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Dr. Balls Underground Music Review


Dr. Balls random nugget of knowledge:
"Propagandhi wonder why not that many people want to listen to their crap! They got rejected by punkvoter, how much worse can their lives be!"


   
May 14, 2004

Ok baby, but if that's what you call a cornhole, then how about first you shuck my corn?


Excerpts from the transcript from Dr. Ball's appearance before the 4-18 commission investigating the now unsaucalicious song stealing scandal
Dr. Sewer: Thank you Dr. Balls for accepting our invitation for your mandatory presence in front of this panel. It is in the interest of The Sack Institute to investigate your involvement in the online song stealing scandal, for possible breach of certain ethical codes. How are you doing this morning?

Dr. Balls: Pervasive!

...

Dr. Sewer: Now first off, you became involved in the scandal when you accused Runner Up of making up the whole scandal, is that correct? Now what proof did you exactly have, if you indeed did have any, and please tell us how credible this proof was, how credible your claim was, and do you still believe it, if you indeed still believe it to be true?

Dr. Balls: I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I was busy staring at the hair growing from my palms, insane!

...

Dr. Bynlodden: What proof did you have that Runner Up made up the scandal and made up No Delay?

Dr. Balls: None.

Dr. Bynlodden: None? But in your April 18th weblog posting you listed several reasons why you believed No Delay was a real band including, and I quote: "They have no web site, none of their IMs have yet to log in, there is no picture of the band on purevolume.com, and you know how almost every single one of those bands likes to get their cute little mugs all over everyone's screens, [and] one of the guy's in the band is named Tino ['Tino' emphasized in italics]". Was that your proof?

Dr. Balls: Oh yea, I guess I did say that.

...

Dr. Sewer: Dr. Balls, The Sack Institute does not tolerate its employees harassing people over the internet.

Dr. Balls: It should.

...

Dr. Balls: Yes I still think it was entirely possible that the whole thing was a pretend reality concocted by the likes of Anti-Flag to destroy me before I can destroy them because they are on some mission from god to overthrow Bush in November almost as bad as the terrorists do! Yeah haha baby, it's--

Dr. Potiguaya: That's it Dr. Balls! This commission has had enough of your, this... your...

Dr. Balls: Yes, say it baby! Spit it out like you are rejecting the guy on guy action that accidented in your mouth!
Those faggots banned me from the freaking Sack Institute for the rest of the week! I wasn't allowed in my office over the weekend which is something I do every week to escape the riff raff going on at my gangbang palace!


Dr. Balls told you so about Saves the Day!
I told you fucking people not to worry about the STDs! Have you heard the latest? Baby? They're focusing on their older, punkier songs with a new b-sides album (by the way may we please stop calling them b-sides since these songs now come from CDs which have only 1 side?), and they're touring with Boys Night Out and Reggie and the Full Errect! And then Chris Conelly is going to walk out on stage looking like this once again instead of like this and your thoughts will sizzle once again with the fleshy thoughts of pink mound pounding involving aforementioned Chris Conelly vs. your puss?







Dr. Balls serious about charity for Iraqi prison abusees
I don't understand what some of you thought about my new charity. I'm serious about it! I don't think these rapists, killers, theives, and terrorists deserve to be treated so unfairly!





May 12, 2004

Dr. Balls starting charity fund for Iraqi prison abuse victims!
Come on in, it's warm nigga! That's right, you heard me! I'm raising money to send to the Iraqi prisoners who have been abused by those American soldiers, which has been all over the news! How dare the Americans give such humiliating treatment to these unfairly jailed terrorists, rapists, and murderers!


Anti-Flag in 'Canada-gate' outsourcing scandal!
On May 8, punkvoter.com fell in love with the viper all over again when they got pissed about George Bush riding around in a bus made in Canada.

But little did they know that just a week earlier it was uncovered by anti-anti-flag.com that Anti-Flag, one of the more moist mouthpieces of punkvoter, outsources their website design to a Canadian company! Who was it that warned not to throw stones if you live in a glass house? Oh yeah, it was Jesus! And you know what happened to him? They killed him!


Dr. Balls 4-18 scandal under investigative eye of leaderless political commission
I, Dr. "Gonna-getcha" Balls, am going to testify before the commission tomorrow! How flavourlessly unsaucalicious!





May 10, 2004

Dr. Balls awaking each day in a haze of rosy red madness!
It's all tiddling widdling down now to the point a.k.a. dot on the minds and hearts of the all the crap from the other side a.k.a. the beyond, where cuban skull thieves await in each dark wedge to knock off a little portion of your crazy bullshit you call licking another man's taint and simultaneously you yourself are a man and you are faced with no pink, just stink, and you'll have to pretend to like it for the rest of your fatherless lives!


Dr. Balls to testify at '4-18 Commission' hearing
I, Dr. Balls, have been called to testify in front of a 19 member commission investigating my involvement in the the Runner Up - No Delay song stealing scandal and subsequent events. They want to know how I know No Delay is not a real band, why I accused Runner Up of making up the whole scandal, and what evidence I have to suspect that Anti-Flag was behind it all as part of a possible scheme to cancel me from the world as a way to stop verbal and seminal assaults on their image, in order to raise their credibility in the scene which will then strengthen the reach of punkvoter, which is indirectly funded by a millionaire socialist and the dick sucking never ends on the Dr. Balls farm baby! Sign up now! Or face the consequenches! Hurry up, decide now! Did I mention that the only way to avoid being incinerated in the soon-coming end of the world extravaganza is to sign up?





May 9, 2004

Antarctica City is located in Antarctica baby! And it will blow your mind! Trust me!





May 8, 2004

The letter from The Sack Institute I wish I never got
Dear Dr. Balls,

The Sack Institute's Social Development Committee recently became aware of a scandal involving you on the internet. As an employee of the institute you are obligated to follow certain ethical rules and we believe you may be in violation of them.

On April 18th 2004 you made a "blog" post on the internet about an "emo" rock and roll band named Runner Up who accussed another band No Delay of stealing their songs. You accussed Runner Up of inventing the whole scandal for mere publicity. We on the committee feel that this was an unwarranted accusation, especially since in a later post you nearly retracted it.

Therefore the Social Development Committee has established a new commission, unofficially dubbed the 4/18 commission, to investigate the events that took place on 4/18 to find out what you really knew, what could have been done to prevent it, and to find some way to blame you for something although we will never publicly admit to it.

The commission will soon hold a hearing in which you will be called to testity. We look forward to seeing you there.


Sincerely,

Dr. Lewis S. Sewer
President, Sack Institute Social Development Committee

Dr. Uber Pipswick
Vice President, Sack Institute Social Development Committee

Dr. Girth McVeiny
Assistant Vice President, Sack Institute Social Development Committee

Committee members:
Dr. Alexander Stuben
Dr. Sam A. Bynlodden
Dr. Broyce Maliar
Ms. Warren Chamberlain
Mr. Peter P. McNeily
Mr. Salvatore Allen Trockenski

Stop worrying about Saves the Days!
The band I am very familiar with, Saves the Days, has been having a rough year but it's not the end of the world! I'll tell you when it's the end of the world, and it's not now. Remember when I talked about how their shows were getting cancelled, moved to smaller "venues" (a.k.a. bars), and performed less than lackluster a.k.a. lustlacker? After that I got a couple of emails from fans of the STD -- you know, people who want to get the STD all up in their crotch, and want to share STD with others, and spread it all over the planet -- asking me about if I thought they were going to break up, and I had to set these people straight. So I want to preempt the rest of you from malaising over this crap, that is, if the UN will approve a resolution permitting me to be preemptive. If the Get Up Kids can make a comeback after that beer coaster cd On A Wire then STD can reach the populace once again in a new strain. Unless there are congo drums in it. When your cd includes congo drums or symphonies then you're done for. And I'll make sure there is ample punishment on your ass, and the stench will rise in quite an ass-rapedly way! There, I said it! I knew I'd say it again one day!







The email from a Balls-hater I wish I never got
I just found your site and I cant believe how stupid you are! You have no idea what DIY is you moron and you have no idea what socialism is, or what is going on in the mid east oiil war, so you really need to shut yourself up. You shouldnt even be allowed to put this stuff on the net where other people can read it and laugh like "haha that Dr balls is so fucking funny" and then believe what you say. You know there is an FCC fairness doctrine that should be used to make you be fair and write about ALL sides of these issues, instead of keeping an ignorant one sided blog used to spread garbage and talk shit about the punk scene. I hope the end of the world or whatever really comes to you






May 4, 2004

Icarus Line proves how non-fun indie elitism can be
On the buddyhead gossip page a.k.a. hell, in the 5/3 post they roughly inserted some Icarus Line show review that gives me reason to take off my pants and let the sweet groin-scented aroma fill the muddy room that has become my escape from reality a.k.a. Jello Biafra's alternate Matrix reality controlled by inherently evil rich white churchgoers.

Let me sum up this article for you, so you don't have to pollute your minds with thinking. Indie elitists The Icarus Line are on tour with the Distillers which I think they're doing only for the confrontations with the Hot Topic crowd. Well at some show no one liked them especially some freak with a mohawk (I'm sorry but anyone with a mohawk is a freak, and if I see them at the local Food Brouhaha then I'm going to let them know it at the expense of their fragile emotions and their pants). So the freak with a mohawk threw his water bottle at Aaron the guitar player, then Aaron lunged into the crowd at him, and the rest of the band followed! Fists were flying faster than a Dr. Balls's quick and dirty McDonald's urinal jack off!

The reviewer put the ultimate indie elitist touch in his recounting of the incident:
"As for the crowd? They didn't say SHIT after that. A few naysayers decided to get brave from THE BACK of the venue, but that was all. But the best part of all... in 9 months, these same kids will be piping off about how cool this band is and how they thought it was 'so rad that they didn't take any shit that night!' They're young... I'll forgive them..."
This reviewer is one of those sadistic people that harbor extreme hate for others and get off on seeing people punished, just like The Icarus Line! Don't be fooled, my cleft lipped friends, that The Ickarus Line agreed to this tour without thinking about how many fights they could get into!

I can mustarbate all day to this!


Dr. Balls exposes punks as anti-DIY!
There are people in your scene who hate George Bush as if it made them feel good. Then there are people who don't like him or simply disagree with him. I call these latter people 'normal' and I have something to say to you people who fall into this category: You have to do something about that other group, because they make you look like a bunch of blowjobs! I've seen those nutball protesters with their "I fucking hate George Bush more than anything in the world!" signs and their fists waving in the air, and associating themselves with you when they are really a bunch of conspiracy theory loving socialists!

Have you ever listened to these people? They're always demanding things, and everything they demand is from other people! So much for Do-It-Yourself, right! "We want money! We want money from the rich! Fuck the rich! We want health care for free! We want your music, for free! We want jobs! We demand your help! We are the victims!" Holy abortion! You want to know who the real victim is? It's my stupid fucking assistant Mr. Fingers who once again has had hell revisit him in the form of finding out that yours truly, the exalted Dr. Balls, gave a rudimentary and quite necessary examination of the holes of his wife using a certain juicy sauce cannon a.k.a. hole enlargement device!





April 27, 2004

Dr. Balls released from saucey underground bunker
This past week has been hell for some of you, I know, because a day without a Dr. Balls post for you is like a day without Jesus porn for me, but the time I spent in my underground bunker was heavenly to say the least, which is the least that I can say!

So some of you want to know what is going on with this whole Runner-Up/No-Delay scandal! Well here is the deal! I've been in a bunker for a whole week so I don't know! All I know is that No Delay is a made-up band. So, did Runner Up make them up to contrive that song stealing scandal and get their names on absolutepunk.net past all the Fall Out Boy and Name Taken clutter? Or did Anti-Flag employ one of their fellow socialist minions from Pittsburgh to create the scandal as a trap for yours truly, in order to later use it against me to retaliate for all the shit talk about them that has come from my mouth? I don't know, but the Anti-Flag connection was too eerily close for me, that's why I retreated underground, watching porn and eating those new little caramel filled Hershey Kisses for a whole week! Note to self: Install a bathroom in the bunker!


Dr. Balls (a.k.a. me) delivered numerous reamings over Runner Up
Holy shit the world is teetering on an unbalanced rock accident-prone-ly poised atop a pointed stalagtite in the middle of some windy desert where the ground below is swirling lava with mushroom clouds blowing up from it!

I know all of this because virtual thrusts of sexual anger were delivered to my inbox, blaming me for somehow damaging Runner Up's reputation! People, there are bands that would give up online farm sluts to get plugged on this site!

And check this out, what someone said about Runner Up:
"After I read the article [on Dr. Balls] I checked out their [Runner Up's] stuff on purevolume and loved it, so that article did them some good. I sent the site to all my friends also."
You see? Now please ever so kindly and considerately pull your unruly peenies from the holes you are inventing all over my soul?




"In November, make sure you take the toyme to register to vote. Vote woysely and vote for Kerry. Oy'm voting for him because oy want to see change in Oyraq (Now I know my band Blink 182 recently went to the Persian Gulf, played a show on an aircraft carrier, and said some things defending Bush and his Iraq policy, but you'll have to forget all that for now) and if he gets insoyde the Whoyte House oy know he can make a change."


Punkvoter concert in Phoenix: one big hatefest!
This is a great blog post in the link up yonder above! It is exactly what I have been talking about when I talk about the paranoid schizophrenic yoodles oodling from this Punkvoter machine!

This guy in that blog went to the Phoenix stop of the Punkvoter tour, wearing a "Bush-Cheney in '04" hat no less, and says the crowd was so riled up with Bush-hate that he became afraid that a riot of hate would ensue and destroy everything in sight! I've told you, these punkers are losing it! Remember that these are not normal liberal anti-Bush American citizens. These people are conspiracy-theory-loving hatemongers who live in bubbles of paranoia and come together in protest to release their hate!

Haven't you ever been to one of these kinds of protests, and read those scary fucking signs that people carry, and listened to the speakers yell out a set of directions to the crowd like "We MUST do this, we MUST do that, YOU must make sure you do this, YOU need to get involved, WE must work together...!!!!!!"

Punkvoter is no different! They get Jello Biafra up there scaring everyone into thinking they've been taught lies all their life and that they really live in some matrix-like non-reality where the government hides all truths from them. Meanwhile Jello once recorded a spoken word piece titled "Why I'm Glad The Space Shuttle Blew Up" about the Challenger shuttle in the 80's! And in it he made fun of the grade school students that cried about the disaster! You know, the kids whose teacher was in the shuttle? Jello hates space flight because there is plutonium on the shuttle and he's scared that it is going to blow up in the atmosphere and cause something similar or equal to the apocalypse to happen. People, the shuttle was designed to have plutonium. Experts design these things. Unless you're Jello and you're somehow inherently smarter than everybody else! That was for you Jello, sorry I didn't get a chance to wrap it up for you and put a pretty little bow around it!





April 19, 2004

Morrissey to star in Sopranos episode



Dr. Balls caught in haze of reality as song-stealing scandal takes weird gross turn!
I don't know what to believe now! That's right, baby, I'm talking about this Runner Up / No Delay scandal that is now haunting the scene, the industry, and all consciousness! Runner Up claims No Delay stole their songs, but No Delay claims it is the other way around, and Dr. Balls claims it is all made up! But other developments have left Dr. Balls scared shitless and in hiding! Yes, read on!

First, no one has still been able to prove to me that No Delay is a real band. There is no evidence of them on the web except for some almost bare ass purevolume.com page. But on the other hand they could have taken it all down and could be in hiding, trying to avoid the inevitable date with destiny aka ass reaming lawsuit!

Since my last post Runner Up emailed me and they sounded truly sincere (in between calling me "ignorant" and "uneducated") about their side of things.

So then I talked to the supposed guitarist of No Delay and, no matter who is telling the truth, I have to say that this guy was one shady character! I asked him for proof of anything and he told me "i certainly have proof that we do exist and that we are the original authors of the songs but im not releasing [any] of it to anyone yet". How convenient?

So I looked further into something Runner Up sent me. It was a link to a Pittsburgh punk forum where some dude Peppy claims to have been the person who first told Runner Up about their songs being stolen. And I thought, well this could back up RU's claims... maybe, but further investigation shows that this Peppy popper has his own dark little secrets. Peppy, it turns out, has a website for a radical leftist-anarchist group called Radicalize Pittsburgh.

People, Anti-Flag is from Pittsburgh.

This whole scandal is starting to stink of Anti-Flag's socialist paw prints. These boys have it in for me, you know! They must hate me for all of the things I've said about them on this website! And now here is a fellow radical from Pittsburgh named Peppy involved in the same scandal as me? Coincidence? This could very well be a 'coalition of the willing (and socialist)' out to eradicate yours truly!

I'm not sure what their true motive could be nor do I know their level of involvement, baby doll. All I know is this Peppy guy noticed this No Delay band (which seems to be made up) before anybody else, and he likely has ties to a band whose reputation is being manhandled by this website and who would love to do me in.

Because of this, and for fear of my own safety, I have decided to escape to my underground bunker deep underneath the awesome yet cold surface of Antarctica. As soon as I finish this post I am going to pack up my blings and descend into the massive bunker that I have prepared for such purposes. Inside I will be cut off from all communications to the outside world but I will immerse myself in porn and freeze dried foods. I shall emerge at a time only of my choosing and possibly briefly at one point to buy the upcoming Velvet Revolver record.

You see people, you don't mess with these socialist-anarchists, and especially ones who have websites with exclamation marks and capital letters all over the place like some kind of moon landing conspiracy site! I am now scared to death! When I come back from hiding we'll get this whole scandal straightened out!





April 18, 2004

Dr. Balls exposes new band-attention-getting scam!
Holy fucking shit! There's this Florida band named Runner Up and a Pittsburgh band named No Delay that have the exact same songs uploaded to purevolume.com, and Runner Up is claiming that No Delay did it on purpose and is ripping them off. But Dr. Balls has the truth, this is why you tune in to this malarkyfest.

So I looked into it and I found out that No Delay is not a real band! This whole thing was made up by Runner Up to get themselves mentioned on absolutepunk.net! This is what I found out about No Delay:
* They have no web site
* None of their IMs have yet to log in
* There is no picture of the band on purevolume.com, and you know how almost every single one of those bands likes to get their cute little mugs all over everyone's screens
* One of the guy's in the band is named Tino

I think this is more than enough proof to show that this whole farce is just some kind of nonexistent WMD.

So I talked to one of the guys in Runner Up! Here's how it went on to engulf our magical emotions:
Dr Balls MD: Yo baby can we talk about this crazy fucking scandal named 'no-delay-gate'?
Runner Up: haha whos this?
Dr Balls MD: The one and only, baby, the juice of the sauce
Runner Up: what?
Dr Balls MD: Are you going to sue these guys or will you just kill them?
Runner Up: niether but suing is a more reasonable action than killin
Runner Up: so who is this?
Dr Balls MD: Well it's going to be really hard to sue them, isn't it!
Runner Up: not really
Dr Balls MD: You know, because they don't exist!
Runner Up: why is that?
Dr Balls MD: I wasn't born less than several centuries ago, you know!
Runner Up: vaugeness....
Dr Balls MD: Dr. Balls is on this shit like nut on a face!
Dr Balls MD: You know what I'm talking about, baby! No Delay doesn't exist!
Runner Up: and why is that?
Runner Up: well?
Dr Balls MD: The band has no web site, their AIMs don't work, there is no picture of the band, and one guy's name is Tino?
Runner Up: well the aims do work i have talked to one of the guys in tha band
Runner Up: im sorry but if you have something thats not going to waste my time then please let me know beacuase its late
Dr Balls MD: Now the world knows it baby!
Runner Up: knows what?
Dr Balls MD: Don't go to bed yet, let's get to know each other!
Runner Up: i have to be up early in the morning not much time left for ya dr balls
Runner Up: so any real business cuz if not im out?
Dr Balls MD: Where do you work?
Runner Up: who are you
Dr Balls MD: Ok that's all I needed to know, we'll finish this discussion some other time. Wanna come to my birthday party? Ok!
Runner Up: goodnight
Dr Balls MD: Thank you!








   
Dr. Balls has been talking about...
My Iraqi abuse victim charity
Anti-Flag 'Canada-gate' scandal
The latest 4-18 commission news
Saves the Day

Updated often


Links:
absolutepunk.net
emotionalpunk.com
popshot.net
punknews.org
rockingthescene.com
thescout.net

Dr Balls thescout column


Past posts:
Apr 2004
Mar 2004
Feb 2004
Jan 2004

2003