After 1 day, IMAO is firmly in the lead in the babe war since WizBang has yet to have t-shirts for sale. I assume, things will heat up when he has t-shirts and I have modeling photos, but I just wanted to mention I'm off to a good start.

Sorry I don't have anytime to give you anything this afternoon, but I have plans for an In My World™ tomorrow. Later, foo's.

Out of pity, I gave some advice to John Kerry, but here is some even better advice for President Bush. I want him to win reelection so that terrorists continue to die and my taxes continue to get cut - things quite important to me. So, if you're President Bush, please read and consider this advice carefully. Everyone else, you can just ignore.

* Flying Fists of Death: In a world full of terrorism, the world needs a kung fu president. You should train night and day on your kung fu skills. When it's time for a debate, as soon as Kerry makes a cheap shot at you, you can say, "I will not stand here and be dishonored!" Then flip over in front of him and use your spinning dragon punch to shatter Kerry's podium and send him flying backwards.

"Ah! My French-lookingness!"

* Cheerio: Some people make fun of the way you talks. Well, here is and easy way around it. You could just lip-sync while Tony Blair does all your speeches for you.

"For my next trick, I will use my dry, English wit to berate my opponent while I sip this cup of tea. Cheerio."

* The Bounty Hunter: Alternately, improve on your cowboy image by always wearing a cowboy hat, having a piece of straw hanging out of your mouth, and having six-shooters at your sides. Anytime a reporter is disrespect'n you, shoot the microphone out of his hand and then shoot at his feet while yelling, "Dance!"

People like a take charge kind of guy, so you should have a photo-op where you come out holding a lever-action rifle followed by your cabinet dressed up as your posse. Then you rip an "Osama bin Laden: Wanted Dead or Alive" poster off the wall and announce, "I'm going to catch that varmint myself!" Let's see someone haughty and aloof do that.

* Mr. Nice Guy: People seem to not like prisoner abuse, so why don't they videotape you standing next to an Iraqi prisoner for twelve hours and not abusing him. Then people will be like, "Wow, what a nice guy that President Bush is, not abusing that prisoner or cutting off his ears and making a necklace out of it like Kerry would."

* War Upon War: War helps the Republicans because it makes the American public focus on what’s really important, so you should start another war just before the election to help yourself out. If people start saying, "Hey! You only started that war to help yourself!" then start yet another war to distract from that scandal. Repeat until Election Day.

* The Patriot Act: A lot of people seem to be afraid of the Patriot Act but not know exactly what it authorizes, so tell people you'll be able to use the Patriot Act to hunt down all people who vote for John Kerry and then hook up electrodes to them where people wouldn't want electrodes hooked up.

“No tinfoil hat will help you now! Muh ha ha ha!”

* Just Because: Nuke France. Not sure how it will help the campaign, but I never heard a good reason not to nuke France. Just make sure, that, when asked if you nuked France to help your campaign, to answer, "Oui." The American public will appreciate the candor.

* The Grand Slam: What's the American pastime? That's right: football. Unfortunately, the timing of that is not right for the presidential election, so we'll have to go with baseball instead. Usually the president will throw out a pitch or something, but I have a better idea. Let me set the scene for you:

It's the bottom of the ninth of the World Series, and the underdog American are down by three runs against the new radical, Islamist, anti-American team - the Jihadists - that was added this season. There are two outs on the board and bases are loaded. "I only have to strike out one more infidel batter, and the Americans will see that we radical Muslims are superior! Allahu Akbar!" sneers the pitcher - a known terrorist.

So who comes up to bat?

President Bush.

"Ha! Now I can humiliate their foolish president as well!" laughs the pitcher.

"I think you misunderestimate me, Omar" Bush says as he holds a finger up in the air to feel the wind. Bush then points at the pitcher's head.

Enraged, the pitched launches a fastball at Bush. The President responds with a mighty swing. The crack of the bat hitting the ball echoes throughout the world, and, with a trail of flame, the ball flies straight into the pitches head, exploding it. The ball is then propelled in the stratosphere, and the homerun is so glorious to behold that the terrorists' faces all melt at the site of it like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Arc.

Bush then triumphantly trots across the bases while the crowd shouts, "Four more years! Four more years!"

Man, what a photo-op to end all photo-ops. I'm not sure how hard that will be to set up, but I'm just the idea man; task this one to your overworked political campaign staffers.

Here are some more stories. I've already gotten some accounts of why people joined the military and will put them up soon, but I would like more. So, if you have a military story or want to explain your reasons for joining the military, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

Chad sent me this letter from Iraq which has an interesting connection with the current controversy:

A feller who used to babysit me when I was a peck has been over in Iraq for quite awhile now. He sent this letter to his dad, who forwarded it to me.

Hey Dad

So let me give you an update. We were attacked yesterday, a rocket went into the TV area, good thing it was at 6am so not to many people were in it, it just destroyed our TV, not to bad, then a Car bomb went off at the end of the block. at the QRF police station 4 dead 14 wounded all Iraqi Cops. three nights ago we lost 2 soldiers just wounded, by an IED in the road, they were placed on a medivac to Germany, they should be ok. I have been on 150 raids, on a raid about a week ago I broke my nose, it hurt, I had climbed the wall into the compund, to check the gate and I was in the yard alone, when we began to take fire from the house so the rest of the SRT team Broke the gate down just as I was moving from my position to another, the gate flew open with 9 guys behind it, my weapon was up so the weapon hit the gate and my rifle hit my face, needless to say my nose lost, it completly knocked me out, but I came to got up and continued, and we got the bad guy. I got a letter of commendation from a general the other day, this is what it said

Dear CPL [name withheld],

I want to extend my sincere appreciation for your proffessionalisim and your dedication to duty. Your success in this theater of war is a direct reflection of your diligence and commitment to excellence. Your accomplishments in single handedly running the entire prison facility are outstanding. You will leave an enduring mark of excellence on the Iraqi Police Officers you are training and the Iraqi Family memebers visiting your facility. You will also leave a very favorable impression of American Soldiers with the Iraqi citizens. You are a source of inspiration and pride. You give every American many reasons to be proud and thankful for everything you do.

Hooah!

Janis L. Karpinski

Brigadier General

Commanding

[Ed Note (from Chad): Karpinski is being called on about the prisoner abuse scandal. The subject of this letter is no longer in charge of this facility; he is home with his family)

AllenS has this little story of what would now be called soldier abuse:

I was drafted into the Army in 1966. I took my basic training at Ft. Leonardwood, MO. I was in awe at the drill instructors. Not so much at their so-called toughness, but by what those guys would say. One day while we were standing in single file outside of the mess hall, waiting for one of those wonderful meals, one of them yelled this: "Awwwwwllllright in that chow line, I want to see you assholes to bellybuttons, if the man in front of you ain't smiling, you ain't close enough." I just about split a gut.

Drew has this story about snipe hunts and things just sound like them:

As a young airman at my first base I was very aware of the snipe hunts devised for young troops, things like finding 50 gallons of prop wash or 100 feet of flightline. I'm suspicious by nature and was determined not to fall for one of these tricks. One day I was told to bring a tool kit to the marshalling area for deployment. The NCO inspecting items before loading took one look at my tool kit and told me I needed a non-flammable gas sticker on my fire extinguisher. To me this was a pretty obvious snipe hunt...but it wasn't. I really had to get that damn non-flammable sticker. Are you sure a simple compressed gas sticker wouldn't do? Oh no, we had to make sure that fire extinguisher was properly labeled non-flammable.

Ammo! IYAAYAS

Finally, Timmer has this humorous description of military ranks:

Military Rank Guide ===================

GENERAL OFFICER:
Leaps tall building in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Discusses policy with God

COLONEL:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God

LT COLONEL
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds.
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB.
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved

MAJOR
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

CAPTAIN:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

1ST LIEUTENANT:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls

2D LIEUTENANT:
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter building
Says "look at the choo-choo"
Wets him/herself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to him/herself

SENIOR NCO:
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his/her teeth
Freezes water with a single glance
Is God

I give free humor and I don't ask for much - just check out my advertisers and buy my t-shirts.

Now Wizbang, former Puppy Blender lackey and enemy of IMAO and all things good, has stolen the IMAO T-Shirt Babe first runner up and is using her as his own t-shirt babe. He thinks Willow can out babe SarahK and sell more t-shirts than me!

This can not stand.

Hopefully we'll soon get SarahK's modeling photos and put Wizbang his appropriate place. Also, I could sure use the help from the other runner ups. IMAO must be the only blog known for t-shirts and babes, and all other attempted usurpers must perish.

Let the babe war begin.

I've got some new advertisers. Larry Diedrich is running for congress in South Dakota - Daschle's home turf - and he needs your help. Snark Bait is a really well done blog worth checking out (one of these days, maybe I should pay to fancy up my site). Infidel Apparel has renewed its ad. If you want to proudly declare yourself an "Al Kufr" (The Infidel) on a t-shirt and many other slogans in Arabic, there’s only one place to go.

Also, I kept going to the Atomship site ("Enter the Rabbit") so much to listen to the music samples that I went ahead and ordered the CD. That's like the first music CD I've bought for myself since... uh... well... when was it mp3's were invented? Anyway, maybe I can do a music review of it. That would make me cool.

I give free humor and I don't ask for much - just check out my advertisers and pat yourself on the back for being a good ronin.

Man, things are looking troubling for Bush, especially with this Abu Ghraib prison thing. I just hope we all learned some lessons from it:

1. Don't abuse prisoners.
2. If you do abuse prisoners, don't take pictures of it.
3. If you do abuse prisoners and take pictures of it, don't let those picture get into a major news outlet.

And whose idea was this? Why does someone suddenly say, "Hey! Let's strip the prisoners naked and stack them. Nothing's better than stacked, naked prisoners!"

So is this going to mean more Americans are going to turn against the war? When the anti-war left couldn't convince people with saying the body count over and over, are people finally going to think Iraq was a bad idea because they saw a naked guy with a bag on his head?

Maybe; I just don't know. I'm no pundit (though I play one on the internet), but I'm starting to get worried about there being a John Kerry presidency and what that will mean for America, the war on terror, Iraq, and, most importantly, IMAO. Will Kerry handle evil of the world with a velvet glove, or will he regain his admitted war criminal spirits and unleash his vengeance on the terrorists to the point it makes Abu Ghraib look like Disney World? Probably the former, but we can always hope.

Who am I kidding? We're screwed! Terrorists bombs are going to be going off everywhere, and Kerry's going to be sitting in some underground bunker finding the most nuanced approach to things with much consultation by the French. I need to get my AR-15 with 90rd. drum magazine soon and barricade my windows (though that goes against the home owner's association). If someone is good with a sniper rifle, you can watch the golf course where I think they'll attack from. When the attack is over, I'll form a new government with my house being the capitol and I being el presidente. BTW, blogging may be light as I try to restore order from chaos.

Anyway, Bush better get himself out of this mess because I don't want my blogging to be light. I hear there are even worse pictures out there, so he has to preemptively do something about them. Maybe before they come out, he could say, "Yeah, these new pictures are pretty bad... and really gay. You can see them if you want... if you're gay."

That will keep a lot of people from checking out the pictures. Now he needs to further turn people against Kerry. We already know he may or may not support the troops, may or may not drive an SUV, and may or may not have thrown away his war medals, but we should also let it be known that he may or may not be a hermaphrodite, may or may not be the Parkside Strangler, and he may or may not be for blowing up Americans. I'm sure it should be easy to get a little sound bite out of him as he tries to be nuanced and say in a very haughty and French-like way, "I was for blowing up Americans... before I was against it... or vice versa. By the way, I served in Vietnam."

It's going to be an all out slugfest as we approach November, so I'll soon have to come up with some campaign tips for Bush to ensure victory (especially since I already did for his nemesis). Until then, just be on the safe side and stock up on ammo and not let any terrorists in your house no matter how nice they ask.

* I still have more military stories to post, but I have a new topic I'd like to hear from people in the military about. There has been a lot of talk about how we need the draft because it's only the poor who can't get any other jobs joining up. I know financial reasons do play in the decision for some, but I'd like to hear from my readers with military experience what honestly led you to join the military. Just e-mail me with the subject "Military". My brother has a pretty interesting response to that about why he joined the Marines and hopefully I can get him to write it down.

* I've been hella busy lately, at work and at home, and I'm far behind on a number of things including e-mail. First, I still owe a little something for all the participants in the IMAO T-Shirt Babe competition (and it is just a little something), and I hope to get that sent out tonight or tomorrow.

* I seem to become the king of coming up with ideas and not following through. I just can't think of another target and mission for the ronin, and I think I'm going to have to let that go unless someone else wants to pick up the torch of making the secret missions. I really need to focus on the basics... just my blog posts.

Oh, and t-shirts. It looks like the Nuke the Moon t-shirts are ready to ship.

* Rachel Lucas is back to ranting! All is right in the world!

* Just as a note on today's IMW (though I'm sure all Frank Fans already realized this), the camerawoman is a rehash of a throwaway joke from this older IMW. Also, here's the petition from the official John Kerry website to have Rumsfeld resign.

Jackasses.

* Finally, imaginary monkeys hate me. Good.

Most dogs saw in black and white; Chomps saw everything is shades of red. The brighter the red, the more it angered him. The world to him was nothing but a collection of entities begging for destruction. Some things would not move when he tore them apart. Things that didn't move angered him. Some things would try and get away when he tore them apart. Things that moved angered him. What's angered Chomps most though was time. Time limited how many things he could destroy, and because of time he had to carefully choose what to inflict his anger upon.

Around Chomps now were objects he was only mildly angry at. He was familiar with these things, and chose to focus his anger elsewhere. One entity in the room was different, though. Instead of Chomps feeling anger at it, he could feel its anger. This was one of those moving things, and it had Chomps's respect. This kindred spirit stood up above Chomps and walked out the door of the building. Chomps followed for a bit, but he decided whatever angered this thing was for it to destroy. Chomps then searched for his own thing to destroy.

There it was. There was what made him the most angry today. There was what must no longer exist.

* * * *

"I'm a reporter, let me in," Melinda Hawkish demanded. The murder scene was filled with cops. On the floor of the house lay a body covered in a sheet. "Make sure you point the right end of the camera this time," Melinda reminded her camerawoman.

"Hey, we're doing serious work in here," the Detective Ian Competent yelled as he paused the victim's Playstation. "This is a murder scene, ya know!"

"And I'm from Fox News, the most watched and respected news outlet," Melinda asserted, "and we want answers. We hear there have been a series of murders tonight."

"There are murders all the time," Ian said as he walked to the victim's fridge and took out a beer, "and people think we have to solve them all or something. It's crazy."

"But I hear there were eight murders so far tonight, all stranglings," Melinda told him, "Do you think there is any connection?"

"We've found no connection whatsoever," Ian said as he then went to victim's DVD collection and started rummaging through them. "The only evidence is that piece of paper lying next to the victim that says, 'Petition for Donald Rumsfeld to Resign' of which the first eight names - all crossed off - are these eight strangling victims." Ian pulled out a DVD. "This guy actually bought Captain Ron?"

Melinda walked over to look at the piece of paper as the camerawoman followed. "So are you going to dust this for prints?" Melinda asked Ian.

Ian started laughing as he put DVD's into his briefcase. "Get a load of this girl," he said to nearby cop, "Wants us to 'dust for prints'. She's seen too many cop shows on T.V."

"Do you have any suspects at least?" Melinda asked angrily.

"When we got here, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld had his hands around the victim's throat," Ian told her, "and he said he hadn't seen anyone else in the apartment. So, no, we have no suspects. We'll probably just plant evidence on a minority and arrest him... standard police procedure."

"Do you think it may be..." Melinda hesitated for a moment. "...The Rumsfeld Strangler?"

"That's just an urban legend," Ian answered angrily. "Now get out of here. This guy has nothing good to eat, and we want to close up this murder scene."

Donald Rumsfeld then walked into the room. "I left a piece of paper here." He scanned the room. "There it is," he said as he picked up the petition next to the victim. He then kicked the victim and walked out of the apartment.

"Let's get out of here," Melinda's camerawoman said, "Dead people are creepy."

"We're not done tonight," Melinda answered, "We're going to find the Rumsfeld Strangler ourselves, and then I'll be known as the greatest reporter. I might even get to take Geraldo’s place."

"Eww," the camerawoman remarked, "I wouldn't want to have to grow a mustache like him."

"Idiot," Melinda remarked, "Come on."

* * * *

Melinda and the camerawoman hid behind some bushes as they watched a hippy walk by. "Why are we filming him again?" the camerawoman asked.

"He was the next name on that list," Melinda whispered back, "I think the Rumsfeld Strangler may be after him."

"Strangler's are scary," the camerawoman complained, "Sometime I wish I kept my job at Hooters."

"Just shut up and keep filming," Melinda ordered.

The hippy strolled by and was soon approached by Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. He held of a piece of paper out to the hippy. "Is this your signature?" Rumsfeld asked.

"Yeah, dude," the hippy answered, "They like abused the prisoners in Iraq, and so Rumsfeld needs to... ack... urk..."

Rumsfeld hands were firmly squeezing the hippy's neck. "Stop!" Melinda shouted as she ran forward.

"Why?" Rumsfeld demanded as he continued to strangle the hippy.

"He's our only lead to finding the Rumsfeld Strangler."

"I don't have time for this nonsense," Rumsfeld answered as he dropped the dead hippy. "Normally I'm all for strangling reporters, but I have this long list of other people strangle first. So I'll have to kill you later." Rumsfeld then walked down the street until he disappeared into the shadows.

"Now we'll never find the Rumsfeld Strangler," Melinda whined.

"I know!" the camerawoman exclaimed, "Maybe, in a way, the Rumsfeld Strangler is each and every one of us."

"No, but you're an idiot," Melinda growled, "Now let's get some sleep and then go to the zoo in the morning. We'll push someone into the bear pen and film that for a Fox special we'll call 'When Reporters Need Ratings'."

* * * *

As Rumsfeld neared home, he pulled off his black strangling gloves and put them in his jacket pocket. A block before his house, he found Chomps surrounded by small torn pieces of paper and little bits of blue metal. The dog continued to take each piece and tear them into two, even smaller halves.

Rumsfeld pet Chomps on the head. "I think you destroyed that mailbox enough."

Chomps spit out a piece of metal and then followed Rumsfeld home. What Rumsfeld knew that the dog didn't was, by the principles of physics, nothing could ever be destroyed. And it was good Chomps didn't know that, because it would only make him angry.

* I have a new ad in my blog ads. I'd tell you what it’s about, but it's so neat and mysterious. Anyway, click on it and check it out because it's pretty cool.

* Right Wing News has a good round up of the human side of President George W. Bush. Makes a stark contrast to the phoniness of John Kerry.

* I'll have a new secret message for my ronin soon. Wait for it...

Yeah, fisking an e-mail meant for the most partisan Democrats is like shooting fish in a barrel, but it's Friday and I'm lazy. For reference, I received this one yesterday.

Dear Frank,

They know my name!

On your block there's a woman named Sue. Like you, she supports John Kerry. Like you, she's appalled at the future George Bush is creating for her children. But unlike you, she's not going to vote on November 2nd.

Holy crap! The John Kerry campaign is spying on my neighborhood! How do you know about Sue? I don't even know my neighbors. They're mainly seniors and I think they look at me as "that weird twelve-year-old who owns a house".

So what is this? Are you threatening Sue for not voting? I need to find her and warn her!

Why won't she vote? Maybe because she doesn't know where her polling place is. Or maybe it will just slip her mind between getting kids to school and rushing to work. There are millions of people like Sue and they are the folks who will decide this election.

Oh, Sue's a moron; that's why she's not voting. Yeah, sometimes morons do tend to miss those little things called "Presidential Elections" despite all the news coverage since, ya know, they don't watch or read the news... being a moron.

So morons are going to decide the election? That's sad... but good for Kerry!

You are the only one who can tell Sue where her polling place is and do whatever ever [Ed. Note: For those who criticize my grammar mistakes, I’m not being paid by a presidential campaign to write this] it takes to get her to the polls on Election Day. If you don't, who will? The only way we will take back the White House this election is by having Kerry volunteers in every precinct looking for the Sues on their blocks and getting them out to vote.

What if Sue is not a her? What if he's a boy named Sue? Do you still want him at the polls, or am I supposed to go door to door looking for only female Sue's? Can I dress up like the terminator when I do it and ask at each door, "Are Sue O'Conner?" and then say, "Come with me if you want to vote!"?

Hey, I got a great slogan for this movement: “If morons get to the polls, Kerry wins.”

Whether you can help for only one hour on Election Day -- or full time for the entire campaign -- we need you on our team.

I'm planning to keep my help less than ten minutes as I just go and check off anything and everything with an 'R' next to its name.

We're building a field program that gives you what you need to be most effective: plans and direction, materials, training, and connections with other volunteers and campaign staff. This is going to be the most exciting field campaign in a generation.

Wow! That's exactly what I would need to sabotage the Kerry campaign.

Yes.... hand it over...

You can trust me…

But it won't happen without you.

Muh ha ha ha!

Are you in?

Sure, I want to do all I can to help Kerry (wink wink).

Will you ask your friends to join us? Forward this email so that they can sign up, too.

I don't know if you'll like my friends... but I'll show them this e-mail (everyone reading it?).

Or take this effort offline by visiting our recruiting center to print signup sheets to bring on board friends, family, and neighbors who might not use the email as frequently as you do. Just click here:

http://www.johnkerry.com/onlinehq/tguide.html

How do you know I use e-mail frequently? All this spying on me is starting to freak me out! Then again, I do like clicking on random hyperlinks...

And I do like ellipses…

Kerry volunteers will be responsible for getting out the vote in every precinct across the country.

Give me all of Florida; I can handle it. I promise!

In addition to saving America by winning this election,

Whoa! Slow down there, Chachi! "Saving" America? Are you implying that without Kerry's tepid leadership, America will collapse? Yeah, riiiight.

Kerry volunteers are going to have a ton of fun.

Since saving America is not enough to motivate us, you need to promise us fun, too!

Our field program is a chance for all of us to meet others in our communities who share our values and the passion to make a difference.

Kerry supporters have passion? I guess opposites attract.

We're already more than 600,000 strong, and we've set a goal to reach one million this month. The Bush campaign has had four years to build, but we're quickly catching up. Forward this email and ask your friends to sign up. Or print the signup form right here:

http://www.johnkerry.com/pdf/toolkit_signup.pdf

Don't worry; I'll get those next 400,000 for you. Just sit there and wait for me to print out the form.

...I'll tell you when I'm done. Just wait.

Thank you,

John Norris and Karen Hicks
National Director and Deputy National Director of Field
John Kerry for President

Wow! Are you related to Chuck Norris? Wait, he's a Republican… and a Texas Ranger.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

One of these days I'm going to reply to one of these e-mails. Maybe it will crash their whole campaign! Muh ha ha ha!

Rachel Lucas is back!

Yay to to Tuning Spork and Misha for getting her to return.

She was gone long enough from the blogosphere to be declared legally dead. I owe alot - ALOT - to Rachel Lucas and really hope she'll get back in the game. For those unfamiliar with her, at least you can go see her archives now.

I want to keep this feature going, but I'm nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

Here's a Marine's praise for patriotic civilians in Iraq. A great story:

I was sent to do some work in Baghdad and billeted at the CPA headquarters in the Green Zone. The CPA headquarters was an eclectic collection of people from all over the world -from Ambassador Bremer to the Gurhka guarding the door it was a strange brew indeed. One day I sat down for chow with three civilians. I'm guessing they were 65, 45, and 30 year old men (not guessing about the men part). They were from different parts of the county, but all worked for the Army Corps of Engineers as hydro power gurus. We struck up a conversation and I asked them what brought them to Iraq. A standard question in the Green Zone and the 30 yr old's was typical.

He said - "They came around the office and announced that the Corps of Engineers needed to send some people to Iraq. They asked if anyone wanted to volunteer. I thought it would be interesting, kind of an adventure - so I signed up." That was pretty much what most of the civilians in Iraq would say - a few would also add, " and the money is good."

The 65 yr old said - "I am the boss back where I work. I have been employed by the U.S. government for over 30 years and have never really had to do 'anything above and beyond' my day to day duties. I thought this would be my opportunity to pay the country back." I hadn't heard that one before and was a little bit taken aback. The 45 yr old's response only solidified the fact that there are Patriots in America, and there not all wearing a uniform.

He said - "Same here, they came around the office looking for volunteers and told us we had a couple of days to think it over. I wasn't really sold on the idea, and went home and talked to my wife about it. I imagined that she would be adamantly opposed and I wasn't going to push the issue. I mentally ran through the list of reasons she would come up with and sure enough she hit me with - 'you'll be gone for 6 months, isn't this really dangerous, it will be hard to run the household without you, what are the kids going to think.' We talked briefly about it, she thought for a few minutes and then said 'all those things are true, but we owe this to the country' so here I am."

I just nodded, didn't really know what to say - after twenty years in the Marine Corps I usually thought of civilians as lesser mortals that needed my protection (with only about 20% worthy of it ). Even after 9/11 I thought - sure, there are a lot of flags out these days, and people are inclined to be a little more patriotic, but talk is cheap and a flag and pole cost about 40 bucks. Now when I see some old lady waiving a flag, or hear some trucker talking about what he would do to UBL if he could get his hands on him, I think back to that conversation and conclude that the enemies of America have no idea what they are up against. If need be - the 65 year old men and engineer's wives of American can take UBL and his ilk any day.

Semper Fi,
John

DNice has some stories of some fun in Germany:

When I was stationed in Germany (1986 - 1988) I was in a Lance Missile Battalion. I had heard that we were the "most forwardly deployed nuclear capable unit" in Europe. We were 60 kilometers from the Czech border. (I have no independent corroboration of that... whatever.)

Anyways, because we had nukes, we were stationed out in the middle of nowhere (which is pretty hard to do in Germany, but they did it). There were corn fields as far as the eye could see. And worst of all, we were in probably the only town in Germany that didn't have a train station!

When we went out to the field for exercises, we didn't go to Graf, where everyone else went (a big training area). OHHHHH nooooo! We went out into the German countryside and set up the woods between small towns.
We would regularly have German citizens walking their dogs through our areas.

My first time in the field I was guarding the entrance to the woods where our Battery was set up. We pulled a fallen tree across the dirt road, and I was sitting prone in the bushes with my M16. A car pulls up and stops at the log, I jump out of the bushes in my BDUs, kevlar, and M16 and the guy almost has a heart attack. He rolls down the window and asks in broken English if the woods are full of soldiers. I said yes, then he picks up a shotgun... I freak out and jump back about 10 ten feet (I don't have any real ammo...). Suddenly I realize he's trying to tell me he wanted to go hunting and would he be allowed?

Another time, in the middle of winter, we got a visit from some neighborhood kids while we were set up outside this small town. We bribed them with camo sticks (the camouflage makeup sticks) and MRE's to get us some beer. They come back with a whole rack of beer from a nearby Gasthaus. Awesome!

Then we got the order to move out the next day, so we paid the kids with chem-lite glow sticks and some more MRE's and they broken down all of our equipment and packed up our tents for us. We sat on the truck and drank the beer. God bless those kids!

Paul from Memphis, TN, has another story about dealing with the Germans... though from a quite different era:

This one is about 3rd hand, but it's still pretty good. My dad worked as a law clerk for a federal judge down in Mobile, AL who had served as a P-38 pilot in WWII in Europe. The P-38 was an amazingly versatile and dangerous aircraft (to the Krauts, that is). One of the missions that got flown a lot was tank busting -- German tanks were highly superior to American ones, but the USAAF ruled the skies. The worst nemesis of Allied armor was the King Tiger, the Panzerkampgwagon VI.4.c B -- the frontal armor was 150mm thick, which, for reference, isn't too shabby for today's MBT. It was essentially invulnerable to frontal assault; a King Tiger with a clear field of fire could whipe out entire batallions of Shermans or T-34's alone -- the high power 88mm gun was a killer. But the King Tiger presented a quandry for the air force as well: the armor was so thick, even on top, that 500! pound bombs had a tendency to bounce off. So, what the pilots resorted to doing when out on bombing runs against King Tigers, was to drop bombs on either side of the tank, and the concussion from the blast would actually FLIP the vehicle over. Sounds weird, but it's true.

An Essay by Frank J.

It’s wrong to abuse prisoners. My mom always told me that abuse was wrong. When my dog was a puppy, I'd put her in a box and hang it from the ceiling by a rope and then spin the box around. She'd make a funny sound when I did that. But my mom told me to stop because she said that was abuse and that was wrong. So I did stop, but, when my dog was older, sometime I'd wake up to find her sitting there in the darkness, staring at me with this strange look in her eyes.

Anyway, just like it is wrong to abuse a dog, it is wrong to abuse prisoners who are people. I heard that some soldiers have been abusing prisoners and they are bad. They should stop. They should be like good soldiers and shoot bad people. But prisoners are bad people, so how do you know when hurting them is abuse? Well, if a ninja attacks you, fighting back is not abuse. But, prisoners aren't trying to hurt you like a ninja is, so hurting them is abuse. Like, if you walked up to some random person and punched him, that would be abuse (though the courts would call it "assault and battery"; the courts have lots of funny words for things). Also, penguins are not attacking you, so seeing how far you can throw one is also abuse, though what the zoo will charge you with is trespassing. Plus they won't let you back in the zoo. And, if the penguin lands in the crocodile pen, you have to buy the zoo a new penguin... and they're expensive. And they’re hard to find, as they don't sell them at Wal-Mart. So don't abuse penguins. Also, another thing my mom told me not to abuse is substances. So, if you see a substance, be nice to it.

In summary, do not abuse prisoners... unless you think they're terrorists.

STARRING
Tony Pentin as The Limey
Frank J. as American Frank

Created by Stupiud Bastrad Productions
Broadcast by the BBC

Logo by Tom Bux of The Nap Room

Previous Episodes:
Episode I: The Limey
Episode II: Return of The Limey
Episode III: The Red Letter
Episode IV: Jokes and Murder
Episode V: The Lime Turns Sour
Episode VI: Bloody Fascism
Episode VII: Lime Another Day
Episode VIII: The Good, the Bad, and the Limey
Episode IX: Gone with the Lime

* * * *

The Limey, in preparation for the glorious day of May 1st had written his longest e-mail yet and sent it to the ignorant backwoodsman, American Frank. American Frank was excited when he received the e-mail, but was intimidated by its size. So he decided to wait until after May 1st to see how prophetic the e-mail was. And May 1st did come, and, instead of bringing with it the prospects of summer, it laid the world waste with a bitter winter storm. Secure in his backwoods abode, American Frank typed his last e-mail to the one who knew only as The Limey:

The fool I am! I thought you were a savior, but now I know thee to be a harbinger of doom, limey. A pox on thee, and a pox on your four friends who obviously aren't just you posting under different names using the same IP.

You were right, Capitalism fell on May 1st, but so did everything else as Capitalism had created them. There are no phones. There are no T.V.'s. The cities are rampant with chaos. What a fool I was to follow you instead of warn everyone of the date you specified, limey! Now the backwoods around my home burn, and all I have is my shotgun - made from Capitalism - to defend me against the roaming hordes of monkeys that have taken over now that society has collapsed.

Where is your socialism to save us, limey? No where! It brings nothing but despair, for all that was great was made by Capitalism, and only in its downfall have I seen its greatness. Well, as your home in Wales burns around you, limey, I hope you realize what a foolish child you are, that the machine you raged against was the hand that fed you. You are but a puppet of the sinister Fascist McFascist, and I hope you burn in Limey Hell, a place where there are never any crumpets to go with your tea.

I have not read your last e-mail; only bitterness would it bring now that America has fallen. I also have banned your four friends who aren't you but use the same IP as I do not want to be disturbed by the mindless slaves of Fascist McFascist. Maybe there is some hope for you, though. Perhaps you could finally read the poem the Jabberwocky and see the beauty of Capitalism that I had temporarily forgotten, but I do no hold my breath, limey.

This will be the last you hear from me. I have no time for limeys as I try to rebuild Capitalism after you and your "revolutionaries" destroyed it. For I am American Frank, and an American never gives up. When my precious Capitalism is rebuilt, it will produce new and even better guns which me and my compatriots will use to hunt down all the socialists. When all the socialist are dead, we will drink whiskey (made from fermented capitalism) and play video games (also from capitalism). Then, in memory of you, I will throw a lime in the air and slice it in two with my katana (a type of sword invented by capitalistic Americans) and then stomp on one half and spit on the other. Then I will also stomp on the half I spit on. Then I will clean my shoes. Then I'll play more video games.

Goodbye forever, limey. The destruction you have wrought is only temporary, but socialism will be a fool's game forever.

Cordially,
American Frank

P.S. I really hope you didn't believe any of that crap you spewed in all those e-mails you sent me, because you'd have to be the dumbest kid I ever encountered. Oh, and one more thing...

WANKER!

THE END

The final episode of The Limey will be posted around lunch time. Why? Because I love my readers.

Most often people will disagree on issues of the day, but just because someone doesn't think like you doesn't mean you should call him evil and kill him. That's what Islamic extremists and the majority of posters at Democratic Underground would do. Instead, following these steps you can have a nice discussion with someone with different viewpoints and both come out of it smarter.

DO consider the merits of viewpoints different to your own.
DON'T throw out your own principles just to be agreeable. No one gains from that.

DO listen carefully to what the other person is saying. Try to understand their different viewpoint.
DON'T use the time while the other person is speaking as just an opportunity to formulate your own rebuttal.

DO try to find areas of agreement no matter how much you differ on an issue.
DON'T compare the other person's views to Hitler. Hitler was a bad man, and no one likes being compared to him.

DO keep on topic. You're more likely to learn from each other if you keep the talk focused.
DON'T kick the other person in the groin when he strays. He might forget what you were talking about in the first place.

DO make all disagreements in a friendly tone.
DON'T follow all disagreements with putting the other person's head through drywall. That gives who you're talking to no time to consider what you said. Also, it's hard to repair the drywall and paint over it perfectly to cover up the hole.

DO agree to disagree when reaching a stopping point.
DON'T declare an intifada and blow yourself and the other person up so you can get 72 virgins. You both lose if you do that, and you should focus on finding one nice girl (or guy) in this world.

DO stick to your principles while still considering what the other person says.
DON'T pile drive the other person into a folding table when you find a topic you vehemently disagree on. Though it would be cool, it's just not civil.

DO back up your statement with facts when necessary.
DON'T punch the other person through the chest, pull out his heart, and show it to him before he dies when you feel run into a corner. That's usually a non-sequitur to the debate... unless the debate is whether you can actually pull someone's heart out and show it to him before he dies.

DO make sure not to get caught up arguing minutia.
DON'T burn the other person's house down over a small disagreement on a fact. Yes, insurance will probably cover it, but he'll be less likely to listen to what else you say.

DO make sure to not raise your tone of voice no matter how heated things get.
DON'T silently lower the other person in a slow dipping device into a pit full of ravenous monkeys until he admits you're right. Getting the other person to agree with you through other means that intelligent discussion gains nothing for either party.

DO be willing to admit you’re wrong if the other person is convincing. Admitting you're wrong can seem painful, but, when you do it, you suddenly become right.
DON'T commit seppuku if you discover you’re wrong on an issue. There are other ways to bring honor to your family.

Follow these rules and you should have some nice, friendly, intelligent discussions. Hooray!

Here's SarahK's victory speech. Now we just have to wait for her to get the shirts and then see the photos.

I want to keep this feature going, but I'm nearly out of stories. So, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

John sent in some more military terminology:

Here are some Navy/Submarine terms

sluff- short little ugly fat fucker
non-qual- person who has not qualified in submarines. Lower than whale shit
buff- big ugly fat fucker
bug juice- Navy Kool Aid. Also a good degreaser.
midrats- late night meal
push button petty officer- A person that was given a petty officer pay grade because of their school and didn't have to test for it
chop- supply officer
cob- Head enlisted man on the submarine (Chief of the Boat)
boat- submarine. We don't call submarines ships successful deployement-number of surfaces equaled the nuimber of dives.

DaDougster sent this in. I know I've seen the first part before, but the rest is new to me...

USMC Rules for Gunfighting

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating or reloading.
14. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.
15. And above all ... don't drop your guard.

And just to be obnoxious:

Navy SEALS Rules For Gun fighting

1. Look very cool in the latest sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking very cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

US Army Rangers Rules For Gun fighting

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound ruck while starving.

Army Rules For Gun fighting

1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Reconsider the color of beret you decide to wear

US Air Force Rules For Gun fighting

1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Send the Marines

Navy Rules For Gunfighting

1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Send the Marines

That has to be the fifth reference I've seen to the Navy doing nothing but drinking coffee. I really like coffee; maybe I should join the Navy.

On a more serious note...

I am Proud

I've always had serious pride in the United States' Military. Great men with bad guns willing to do bad things for my freedom. Now, I have even more pride. I've never claimed that my brother and I see eye to eye on anything except the military, but he's still a great man. I found out today that he's off to Iraq and he's no longer in the Special Forces. He left American soil as a member of the Delta force. He will be fighting soon for your freedom and for my freedom. Sgt. Marc and everyone in the military (but mostly him right now) deserve many thanks. So, something I never thought I'd say.....Thank you Marc....Please, be safe. Marc is very religious and as everyone knows, I am not. In this case, though, I'll say that if there is a god.....Watch his back. Marc has the mind of a genius and the heart of a child...Let no one take this from him. I know he's a very competent man and that anyone near him is safe. May that competence bring him home alive. Please, don't get killed. I'll have to join the military and avenge your death. This would end badly and with many nuclear weapons, so, for the sake of humanity....COME HOME SAFE.

To anyone that reads this I say, "Sleep well this night." There are man and women fighting like hell for you and I to sleep well. To all those men and women in the military I say, "When you get the chance to sleep, please know there are people that appreciate you more than words can describe." To Marc, "You are loved and sweet dreams, if that's possible where you're at."

Love, your sis,
The Sicilian

* Is It Wrong to Wish for Better Enemies?: Stupid terrorists can't even hold on to their own hostages. Sometimes you have to wonder why these nimrods even bother going up against us. I especially am confounded on how some think they're superior to the West because of their religion. We're smarter than them, we're richer than them, we have better weapons and tactics, we have hygiene, our land isn't nothing but sand, and we're not overrun by monkeys, yet Allah favors them. Riiiiight.

I remember the Soviets. Though we always knew we were superior to them and lived better lives, at least they could actually threaten to destroy the world. The Islamic extremists should learn from them.

* An Outrage: I can't believe this political statement Kerry just took! It makes me so mad and... Oh, he just changed his position on that; never mind.

Okay, I should say something substantial about John Kerry, but nothing interesting has happened lately. It's too early to celebrate, but he's just looking more and more unelectable each day. Maybe the Democrats could do a Torricelli and switch him out for another candidate at the last minute, but who? Jo-Jo the Democrat Monkey? America is in a war mode right now, and it’s obvious all the Democrats still want to be whining about prescription drugs and school lunch programs and what not.

One day most of our threats will be taken care of, and then we can go back to having the inane be the top issues of the day, but not any time soon.

* The Haze of War: Speaking of war, I'm really lost on what's going on right now? Are we killing all the bad guys, or are we just dicking around? Things seem so hopeless at times, but many of the troops I hear from make things don't seem so bad. And then what happens after June 30th? Are we just going to hope that liberty spreads from Iraq through the rest of the Middle East, or are we going to come out of Iraq like a bat out of hell killing dictators left and right? I know it's not the Pentagon's job to keep me informed on such things, but throw me a bone here.

* Save Our Landfills: I did some major cleaning over the weekend, and I had an epiphany. They have a do not call list and are trying to make a do not spam list, so do you think they could make an "I do not want AOL" list?

* Monkey News: It's all coming together; in Commie China they won't allow farmers to kill evil monkeys. I'm just glad I live in a free country where I can kill monkeys on a whim.

* The Babe: I know we're all excited to now see the modeling photos from SarahK. I was thinking about making this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest an annual thing like a beauty pageant, but, if SarahK does a good job (as I'm sure she will) I'd rather have one face representing IMAO (other than mine, I mean). So what should be the next contest? Maybe there can be one for artists for the best rendition of Chomps. Any other ideas?

* Me Busy: Sorry I got like nothing today, but on Mondays I have no time to write for Tuesday. I could spend all weekend writing post for the next week, but I don’t wanna/ To balance my job, writing, and having some semblance of a social life, I've decided I need to have more focus, and thus, for now, I'm not going to pursue being a columnist to focus more on writing a novel. Someone e-mail Jonah Goldberg and tell him his job is safe... for now.

* Excrement in Human Form: Someone who should lose his job - even though I don't plan on replacing him - is Ted Rall. Look at his latest comic here and his defense of it here.

Let me give you a little lesson in humor. You might remember my hate mail to Michael Moore I did some time back. The secret to the humor there is that I don't hate Michael Moore and was laughing the whole time writing the piece. In Rall's comic, you just imagine the bile in him as he puts his prejudices forward in such a disgusting manner; no one could think that was funny except for a few other moral midgets who share his view.

Anyway, why don't we in blogosphere do something about it? Rall has been a published idiots long enough. Let's start a coalition to make Ted Rall lose his job. He doesn't need to be homeless; I'm fine with him mumbling his crazy political views to himself as he sweeps the floor in McDonalds. Any idea on how to start this? Would is begin with a letter writing campaign to who publish him (MSNBC and Newsweek I think)?

For the time being, I'll keep my good humor. There always Emperor Darth Misha I out there to be angry enough for the both of us.

UPDATE: Actually, Misha has who you should e-mail to get Rall fired. Check his comment section for a nice civil e-mail from Bill Whittle you should use as an example (bile is what Rall is, and bile won't get rid of him). Also, Whitler now has up his version of his lunch with me which is a bit different than I remember it.

* In the Future: Fellow ronin, I will have a new mission and target soon, so hold on to your one time pads (or, for those who don't like that term, Vernam ciphers). Also, there was no way I could give a proper finale to The Limey for today, so that should be tomorrow if I don't have to work horribly late today and can get it done before 24 comes on. Also, if I have time at lunch, I'll try to have a little something more on my site today. Later, sportsfans.

I'm really busy at work, so busy I should probably be using my lunch break to do more work instead of blog. Anyway, e-mailing the winners of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest and everyone else will probably be delayed until tonight or tomorrow. Also, I'm way behind on e-mails in general; I do read them all, but I often flag them for follow up and then forget about them. I'll try to make time this week to respond, so don’t be surprised if you get a response to something you wrote me a month ago.

Also, I'll try to have things finished up with the Limey tomorrow. See you then.

So, I wanted to try out my little Kel-Tec I mentioned previously plus see if I had fixed my Colt 1991, so I went to the range Saturday. As recommended by many readers and especially Kim du Toit, I purchased an eight round Wilson Combat mag for my Colt plus I replaced the recoil spring with a Wilson Combat recoil spring and even put some Wilson Combat grease on the rails. The Wilson Combat mag sticks out underneath, making my gun lose some of its simplicity, but that new mag sure makes the regular Colt magazine (the one lying next to the gun) seem like a crude piece of tin hammered out by some caveman.

Anyhoo, here is how things went at the range (this time I remembered a pen):

First I tried my Kel-Tec P3AT one handed (the thing is just too small for two hands) at close range, firing three of it's six round mags. It jammed a number of times, but it's in its breaking in period.
Results (Sorry I wrote "clips" on the target; I caught myself later on as I knew some readers would get there panties in a bunch when they saw that improper use of firearm terminology)

Next I tried out my .45, two-hands on it firing 20 Winchester jacketed hollow points at 10 yards. No problems.
Results

Now I fired three 8-rd mags of FMJ hodling with just my right hand. Again, no problems.
Results

Time for my PPK, which I fired left-handed, first round of each mag at double action. Pretty accurate for my off hand if I do say so myself, but what you don't see is how often the damn thing jammed plus had other problems such as the trigger pull not ever firing the bullet (no duds; just pulled the trigger again double action and it fired).
Results

With two hands on the PPK, there were less jams, but there were still some problems with the firing pin. I really like this gun, as it is quite accurate for its size, so I hate to see these problems.
Results.

Now I tried the Kel-Tec again. Still jammed multiple times, and it takes some getting used to its double action trigger, but it's too early to have a verdict on the gun.
Results

Fired my .45 two-handed again. I'm going to blame my poor results on trying different styles of trigger pull (how much of my finger I put on the trigger).
Results

Finally, I put the target out at fifty feet and fired off three 10rd. mags of my Browning .22 target pistol. Well, if you count them, you will find thirty holes at least :)
Results

Well, I think my poor PPK needs to be taken to a gunsmith. I love that gun, but it's malfunctioning too much for me to carry it. Some of it has to do with probably how I'm reacting to the recoil, but some must be internals. Also, I can never get it to eject a round by manually pulling back the slide; I have to pull back the slide and let the round fall out the back of the barrel and down the handle.

It's great to see my baby, my Colt 1991, not have any problems. The only thing was after cleaning and disassembly, it almost seems I'm jamming that recoil spring in there. I think I should replace the spring cap with a full guide rod to keep the spring in place.

As for the Kel-Tec, I'll wait to see how it performs now that I've disassembled and cleaned it myself. It may just need some more breaking in.

Happy shooting.

I have new advertiser on my blogads, Proud Zionist Apparel, with lots of neat stuff with slogans in Arabic. My favorite is the t-shirt that proudly announces you're an "Infidel". They also have embroidered apparel with even more slogans in Arabic, such as "Don't Mess with Texas", "Zionist Enemy", or ones saying which branch of the military you're in. Check them out.

Well, this came down to the wire. As I said before, the third place winner is only two points behind first place. Thanks once again to the judges:

Doug the T-shirt Guy
Emperor Darth Misha I
Harvey
Bill Whittle
Blackfive
John Hawkins
Glenn Reynolds
No One of Consequence
Me, Frank J.

The judges each chose their five favorites and ranked them. A contestant received five points for being number one on a judges list, four points for second, three points for third, two points for fourth, and one point for fifth. Each of the judges’ choices will remain secret unless they choose to reveal them (I'm keeping mine secret since there were so many contestants who would have made a great winner and I don't want to admit I didn't vote for them). I'm only going to announce the top five, but any other candidate can e-mail if she wants to know her final ranking.

Anyway, onto the winners...

In fifth and fourth place are the two lovely girls from the liberal Mecca of Berkeley who write for the conservative paper the California Patriot (Carissa's latest; Reva's latest). Having 13 points and the distinction of being on more judges’ top five lists than any other is Carissa, a.k.a BerkeleyGirl. Beating her for fourth by three points is Reva, a.k.a. BerkeleyChick.

Second runner with 18 points is the beautiful blogress Serenity of Serenity's Journal. I've known her in the blogosphere for a while now, but she never said how cute she is. I feel like I've been lied to.

First runner up with 19 points is the fetching and intelligent Willow of The Whomping Willow. As one reader put it, "Hello Nurse!"

And finally, with 20 points, the IMAO T-Shirt Babe is...

"I'm President Bush, and I approve this message."

Bush stared silently at the camera for a few moments.

"Dammit! I forgot what I was going to say!" Bush then shook his fist at the camera. "Vote for me if you know what's good for you."

"We might want to do a retake on that one," Dick Cheney suggested, "but I think that new commercial about Kerry voting against military weaponry is good enough for now."

"And I think we did pretty well testifying before the 9/11 commission," Bush said, "It just annoyed me how Lee Hamilton and Bob Kerrey left early. I'm sure they got their comeuppance, though."

* * * *

"It's great snubbing Bush to greet the Prime Minister of Canada," Lee Hamilton said as he sat at a table.

"It sure is," Bob Kerrey agreed as he sat down too, "but doesn't the Prime Minister look a bit like an angry rottweiler to you?"

Hamilton stared at him a moment. "A very angry rottweiler."

* * * *

"Still, I'm worried about the debates with John Kerry," Bush continued, "What if he starts throwing other people's medals at me? He could take my eye out!"

"He might just throw ribbons," Cheney assured him.

The figure of Karl Rove emerged from the shadows. "It is too early to worry about the debates. What may be of interest is how the public views you and your nemesis, the one known as Kerry." Rove produced a scroll from his cloak. "When likely voters were asked what words came to mind when your name was mentioned, the top five were 'Dummy', 'Rube', 'Maroon', ''tard', and 'Trustworthy'."

"That's not so bad," Bush said.

"As for your enemy, the top five words were 'French-looking', 'Haughty', 'Aloof', 'Wishy', and 'Washy'."

"Heh heh," Bush chuckled, "Everyone hates that stupid Kerry. So what do I do now, Rover?"

"According to the ancient book of punditry," Rove intoned, "Whilst the opponent dost destroy himself, the wise dost keep his distance such as not to be injured as well."

"If I'm understanding that right," Bush said, "Best move for me right now is to go to my office and play Mario Kart."

"Our little president is growing up," Cheney said with a tear in his eye, "I just wonder what Kerry is up to."

* * * *

"If I knew my voting record in the Senate was going to be used against me, I would have abstained on every vote!" John Kerry fumed, "That would have been the nuanced approach."

"You were just voting to destroy America's military might like any good Democrat," Terry McAuliffe said.

"Everyone who is or ever has been in the military is a war criminal!" Kerry yelled, "Except for me... I'm a war hero. Too bad I threw away my medals."

"There right there on the wall," McAuliffe pointed out.

"Whatever!" Kerry shouted, "All this controversy is making me so mad I think I'll punch Jeeves." Kerry then socked his butler in the gut.

"Very good punch, sir," Kerry's butler said as he picked himself off the floor, "Would you like to hit me again?"

"Maybe later," Kerry answered, "First I will consult with my League of Foreign Leaders for Kerry, all of whom I am happened to run into at Deli’s in New York."

Kerry walked over to the large meeting table. "Here is President of France, Jaques Chirac."

"That damn Bush ruined my 'Oil for French Kickbacks' program!" Chirac yelled.

"And then there is Kim Jong Il of North Korea."

Kim stared into a mirror and worked at his hair. "Still not poofy enough! And it is all because of Bush!"

"Osama bin Laden is also here for support."

"I'm just disturbed by all these contracts favoring Halliburton," Osama said.

"And a mad mullah from Iran is here too."

"Allah despises tax cuts for the rich!" the mad mullah yelled.

"Then we have Pol Pot's preserved head in a jar."

"Bush liiiiiiied, people diiiiiiiied!" Pol Pot gurgled through the fluid that kept his head living.

"As a very special guest we have Hanuman the monkey god."

"Bush rushed into war and upset the balance of monkeys in the universe," Hanuman pronounced.

"Finally, I have this letter of support from Saddam Hussein," Kerry said as he held up a letter, "He couldn't come since he's a political prisoner, but he wanted to express his support and say how enthused he his by my dynamic campaign. That reminds me, I wanted to hand out a booklet describing my positions on all the important issues in black and white and sixty-four shades of gray. Jeeves, hand them out."

"Yes, sir," the butler answered as he brought forward a wheelbarrow full of what looked like phonebooks.

"By the way," McAuliffe whispered to Kerry, "Do you have any supporters who aren't evil?"

The Clintons then walked into the room. "No," Kerry answered.

Chirac started choking. "I can't breathe!" he exclaimed, "It's like something is sucking the air out of the room!"

"So did you all hear about my new book?" Bill Clinton asked. He then spotted Osama. "Hey, remember when I tried to launch a cruise missile at you?"

"Yeah, I got a good chuckle out of that one," Osama answered while laughing.

"I don't need you two here," Kerry said angrily. He then spotted a folder Hilary was holding. "Does that say 'Plans for 2008 Presidential Campaign'?"

"Don't be silly," Hilary said as she hid the folder, "We just came here to watch you implode... I mean give our support."

"Unless you're donating money to my campaign, I want you out of here!" Kerry said.

"I'll give you twenty bucks for that head in a jar," Bill offered.

"Deal."

The final judge just sent in his choices, and the results are so close that third place is only two points behind first (a contestant got five points for being picked first on a judge's list down to one point for being fifth on a judges list).

Winners will be announced tomorrow morning along with a new In My World™. See you then, sportsfans.

I've been meaning do this for a little while, but here are pictures of my cool new pool table. It's a 7 foot Brunswick with a 1 inch slate (came in three pieces). According to the little placard on the table, Brunswick has been around since 1845 and supposedly even Abraham Lincoln had a Brunswick pool table. I bet mine is nicer.

Here is the front view.

Here is the back view.

Here is the stylings I paid a bit extra for. Since it's in place of a dining table, I figured it should look nice.

Here is the cue stand I got. Since there's a little less room on the ends, sometimes a shorter cue is needed.

I bought it new from Charlie at Aurora Road Billiard Supplies 1935 Aurora Road, Melbourne, FL. I think he treated me well (I didn't know I could haggle, so he just took a hundred bucks off the price for me), so I thought I might as well give his business a plug.

Also, here is the gun safe I got Friday. That's pretty much all the furniture I need for my house now. Next, I need to think about decorating.

Stupid plant shelves.

I want to keep this feature going, so, if you have a military story, e-mail me with the subject "Military". Thanks.

* * * *

jamestox (AT3, U.S. Navy) sent this joke in (though it probably has a lot of truth about military life):

From: Attack Squadron XXXXXX-XXXXX

To: Family members and close friends of service members

Subject: Return of service member from at-sea deployment

This letter has been written to give you advance warning of the forthcoming return of your service member, on or about XX December, 19XX, from deployment in the Mediterranean Sea with Carrier Group XXXX, embarked on USS XXXXXXXXXXXXX (CV-XX), a unit of Battle Forces SIXTH FLEET.

Due to the nature of duty your service member has been subjected to, you may find it necessary to "retrain" him for non-deployment life. With your full
cooperation in following the proven recommendations in this letter, your service member's transition back to full, non-deployment "normal" life should be obtainable within a maximum of 2 to 3 years - assuming there are no additional deployments in the meantime.

The following recommendations may seem a bit harsh at first, but your service member will benefit greatly from them and will love you more for your loving care and understanding.

TO HELP YOUR SERVICE MEMBER TO READJUST TO HIS NEW ENVIRONMENT, PRACTICE THE FOLLOWING:

1. Secure (close and lock) the bathroom for a minimum of 23 hours and 45 minutes daily.

2. Put toilet tissue out only once a month (supply other family members with their own rolls during the readjustment period).

3. Limit the service member's water usage to a maximum of 30 gallons per day (to include laundry, dirty dishes, car washing, and lawn/garden watering for the entire household, as well as the service member's personal needs).

HELPFUL HINTS:

Under no circumstances should you let your service member take a hot shower; this could cause permanent psychological damage. This can be done by securing the valve from the water heater when the service member enters the bathroom.

As for the service member's laundry, always return fewer clothes than he puts in or instant insanity could result (due to having too many clean clothes to choose from). When washing his clothing, add at least one full cup of itching powder; this will make his clothes feel "normal" and keep him too busy to yell orders to you or anyone else in the vicinity. Over time, reduce the amount of itching powder, since this condition is only temporary and will dissapear with love and time (in that order).

You may find it necessary to move your household to a location beneath a bowling alley for the service member to fall asleep at night. He is accustomed to hearing loud noises above him while he is sleeping (e.g. catapult shots, aircraft engaging arresting gear during landings, F-4 Phantoms crashing on the flight deck, etc.). If it is impossible to find a bowling alley with a basement, a large steel mill will suffice - although it must have a stamping press that runs at night.

MEAL PREPARATION

All meats must be prepared in such a way as to be burnt on the outside and still frozen in the center. Mashed potatoes should be prepared in a manner that will cause them to "run" all over the plate and mix with his dessert. Fresh milk should be available only for the first week of the month, with "long-shelf-life-container" liquid milk provided for the next three days, and nonfat-dry milk the remainder of the month. Canned, mixed vegetables, ketchup, and pepper hot sauce are to be provided for two of the three daily meals to allow the service member to make vegetable soup if he so desires. Pancakes can be made in one of two ways: thin and rubbery or thick and hard (the service member will recognize these two varieties as "tire-patch" and "armor-plate"). Powdered and brewed beverages (instant lemonade, Kool-Ade, iced tea) should be mixed with a minimum of sugar and diluted to about half its intended strength. Coffee should be brewed a recommended three days.

"DRILLS"

The following may occur from time to time during your service member's stay at home and are nothing to be alarmed about. Do not be concerned with unusual reactions to normal, everyday sounds such as those created by handheld electronic games, railroad trains, doorbells or telephones - to which he may exit the front door, pulling on his clothes at a dead run to "man his battlestation." Conversely, he may secure himself in some manner to something solid such as an indoor column, bannister, or commode in preparation of a collision with another seagoing vessel. This behavior becomes instinctive through the practice of shipboard "drills" and is considered quite normal so soon after an at-sea deployment. Your service member can be restored to a non-drill condition by sounding one short blast on a whistle and saying, "Now, secure from ..." and state the drill in which he was taking part. Simple observation and common sense will cue you on the type of drill. Some quite common shipboard drills are: General Quarters ("battlestations"), Collision, Man-Overboard, and Mail Call. Note: until your service member fully realizes he's no longer on deployment, we recommend you "drill" him ocassionally to prevent a sense of paranoia and psychological unease. One highly recommended drill is General Quarters; this drill should be held during his normal sleeping hours and last a MINIMUM of 2 hours. Be sure to pass the word: "No eating, drinking or smoking", as this is a normal condition during G.Q. - and one in which some service members are lax.

TV

Do not be alarmed if your service member sets the television picture out of focus, turns up the volume to the point of loud distortion, then starts complaining that, "...the TV is mess ed up again because the idiot running the studio used the WRONG lens on the projector to show the movie." He may also kick the coffee table over and put his heels on it after sitting on the sofa and loudly mumble to himself for long periods. This condition is normal and temporary, lasting through the first few months of non-deployment life.

Misc.

There may be other unusual things you will notice your service member doing; such behavior normally disappears over time in his new environment. Some examples may include measuring and stirring sugar into his coffee with either a knife or fork, using an unusually heavy (and nearly inedible) amount of seasoning on his meals, going through a safety-gear checklist prior to mowing the lawn, performing a "FOD walkdown" on the driveway every morning, or loudly shouting "door coming closed - stand CLEAR!!!" when shutting the garage door. I must once again stress that these things are perfectly normal and almost always harmless.

If there is anything our squadron can do in helping you with your service member's reacclimation to non-deployment life, feel free to call us or your nearest Armed Forces activity. The US military has a fine medical department with 24-hour emergency psychiatrists on duty, should you or your service member require immediate attention. I hope this letter has been of assistance to you. I must assure you, there are only a few things your service member need be taught again.

Very sincerely,
XXXXXXXX XXXXXXXXXX
Post-deployment Assistance Officer, ATKRON-XX

Jason writes about a usual day for the National Guard:

I spent a couple of years in the New York Army National Guard. The National Guard gets a lot of stick, this story I about to relay is a good example of why. Our 2 week annual training every summer was usually pretty uneventful. I and 3 of my buddies had managed to secure three of the most coveted positions in the company. I was the CO driver, another was a Platoon Leader driver and yet another was the XO driver. This probably was done on purpose to try and keep up separated. The unforeseen problem was that this gave all three of unfettered access to vehicles 24 hours a day. The base we were on was no base at all. It was a ‘camp’. In theory it was the equivalent to Camp David, but for the governor of New York and not the President. Camp Smith, as it is called, is pretty open. It is not unusual for military vehicles to leave there at any time of day. One afternoon ‘Dan’ had purposely gotten the XO vehicle dirty. He was unable to clean before chow that night telling the XO he would do it after chow. The thing was the bay for washing vehicles close before evening show. The XO, of course had no idea. At about 2100 that night, Dan, Steve, and I slipped into the night the Sgt. ‘nobody’. We took a Sergeant because the rest of us were SPC. and we needed someone to take the blame if we got caught. Everyone except for Dan was in civilian clothes. Dan had his in a bag. He has to at least drive of camp in BDU’s. We drove about 30 miles to Wallkill NY. We figured that was sufficient enough not to raise any alarms. First things first we had to get the M1009 washed. The M1009 is a Chevy Blazer outfitted for the military. In Wallkill NY seeing a blazer painted camouflage does not tend to get noticed. Anyways what easier ways to wash it then to take it through an automatic car wash, right? No. We had forgotten about the $600 radio antenna that was tied down on the side of the M1009. It snapped in two pieces in the car wash. It was at this time the sergeant with us realizes why we had brought him along and proceeded to freak out. He was then offered the option to walk or continue the mission. We just ended up going to some sports bar. That was pretty uneventful. We headed back to Camp Smith. There was still the issue of the antenna that needed to be taken care of. Dan said he would take care of it. We were all in our bunks by 0300. We only had to be up in two hours. When we did get up, Dan was immediacy greeted by the XO. “SPC. Podinski I was looking for you last night, you were not in your bunk.” Sir, I may have been in the Latrine” “I checked the latrine, you were not there” Sir, I said ‘I may have been in the latrine’, I did not say I was there.” “You were not in your bunk, where were you?” “Sir, I can neither confirm nor deny that I was not in my bunk at that time you specified because my watch is broken.” At that point the XO gave up and walked away, seeing how he knew what had happened, and knew that we could not prove it. Our story does not end their kids. You all remember that antenna that got broken, right? It turns out that Dan had taken the antenna of the M1009 that Steve was driving. So Steve ended up having some explaining to do, but it was all good since the whole excursion was his idea anyways. I am since out. Steve and Dan both went on to OCS and now have their enlisted men pulling the same kind of stuff on them.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Chad got this from his roommate and it shows a different side of Iraq:

I got this email from my cousin who is in iraq right now. i thought you guys might find it interesting. it makes me either want to not pay taxes or join the army....im not sure:

Things have been quite a bit calmer as of late. I'm just living one day at
a time out here. I noticed that when I start to think about coming home I get depressed and the days go by slower, so I just try to keep the though of what day it is out of my head. I know I don't have a whole lot of time
left.

Iraq isn't my favorite country to say the least. One Iraqi man asked
me if I enjoyed being here in Iraq, I just glared at him, I couldn't believe he
even asked me that. A vast majority of the Army out here does nothing...literally. They are just bodies used as man-power. I've noticed their lifestyle, and talked to a couple of 82nd Airborne guys and they
told me all about how most of the soldiers wake up whenever they want, go to
eat chow, watch a couple of movies, do whatever, then their "work day" is complete. I think I know how a lot of these guys handle being out here for
a year or so...they don't do ANY work. What a joke, what a horrible waste of tax-payers money. 1 Thing I will never forget about the military is the disgusting waste of our tax dollars. No one seems to care about it either, it's amazing. Abuse of government vehicles, ragging on them to amuse a few people, and various other things. It makes me sick that my taxes are being spent to fund stupidity. Anyhow, enough of my ramblings, I'm a bit tired right now. Thanks for the news! Love, Matt.

Finally, Blackfive has up a story of escorting a hero home. A must read.

Fan Club II has a caption contest.

There, I made my picks for the IMAO t-shirt babe, and it was almost cruel limiting it to five... but hey, I like cruel.

I'm still waiting on about half the judges, and, from the looks of things so far, it's going to be a close competiton.

UPDATE: I just got my gun safe! Okay, that has nothing to do with this post, but I didn't feel like doing a separate post for it. Now my "guns" can be "safe".

Here's a letter I got from the Kerry campaign on April 27th. Let me fisk it:

Dear Frank,

That's me!

I am sickened and saddened by a new Bush-Cheney attack ad released yesterday. It is a malicious insult to a man who has spent his entire life -- from the battlefield to the Senate -- fighting to make America strong and safe.

I'm sickened, too, but I just need to be more selective where I buy my sushi.

So Kerry was on a battlefield? Where?

We can fire back now at this slanderous attack on the airwaves but only with your help:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, nice try, bucko. But I need more info before I fork over some cash. I'm not your usual Democrat 'tard.

"Oooh! Me clicky blue link! Me givey money!"

The ad accuses Kerry of voting against body armor for our troops. A bizarre claim considering it was George Bush who sent 40,000 U.S. troops to Iraq without the proper body armor. I wish I could blame overzealous political consultants for the ad, but George Bush watched and approved it himself -- one more reminder that the Bush-Cheney Campaign will do and say anything to hold onto power.

So, the evil Bush sent troops to Iraq without body armor, and that's not an argument further condemning Kerry for voting against funding the troops? I'm confuse-ed.

It's nice how you want to give Bush the benefit of the doubt - and I know you're sincere in that wish - but it's obvious that Bush is so immoral he will approve ads attacking his opponent on his voting record. That the kind of tactics Hitler would use!

...I mean, if Hitler were a regular politician and not a genocidal maniac.

You have to see the ad for yourself to understand how low the Bush campaign is willing to go and how dishonest they're willing to be. But most of you won't see it because it is being run in only a few key "swing states." President Bush has already spent nearly $50 million on misleading ads, more than any other candidate in history. (See below for a link to the ad and a D-Bunking of it.)

Wow! The Buch-Cheney-Haliburton-Satan team is just targeting swing states. Using strategy in an election year; that's as low as you can go! It's good Kerry's statements seem to be bereft of any rhyme or reason whatsoever. I will see this misleading ad as soon as I'm done reading this lovely e-mail to dear me.

John Kerry is under fire -- help us fire back with a contribution:

https://contribute.johnkerry.com

Hey, goober, wait until I see the ad; then I'll think of giving you money.

We'll keep fighting. But we can only do it with your support. We know that we'll be able to counter this new attack campaign, just like the others -- but only because those of you receiving this email will give us the means to fight another day.

Yeah, you don't how much giving me this e-mail really helps you.

Thank you,

Mary Beth Cahill
Campaign Manager, John Kerry for President

Your name is stupid (sorry, it's my day off and I'm just out of witty material).

The Facts: http://www.factcheck.org/article.aspx?docID=177 The Misleading Ad: http://www.georgewbush.com/VideoAndAudio

Hey, the ad "Weapons" doesn't just say Kerry voted against body armor, it says he's voted against like every weapon ever proposed for the military. If Kerry had his way, our troops would be running around naked with sticks in their hands.

I didn’t read your refutation of the ad because I have a short attention span. Maybe if you made a refutation in video form with funky music in the background I’d see it.

Please do not reply to this message. To contact John Kerry for President, please click here.

Hey! I can reply to this message if I want! You can't tell me what to do! You're not my president!

What do you think? Looks like a blatant rip-off of Chomps to me! I'm so outraged I'm going to sit here and sip my coffee.

Since it seems impossible to keep people from commenting, comments are now open on the post of the IMAO T-Shirt Babe Candidates. I'm even having comments open on this post.

Just a reminder, winner won't be posted until Monday.

To be honest, between work, writing this blog, other writing activities, and trying to have a social life, I've gotten behind on reading other people's blogs. Apparently, John Hawkins post about which bloggers he'd most like to be stuck on a desert island with (my comments here) caused a kerfluffle which I missed out on. Meryl Yourish (who I like; she named me an honorary Jew) was upset by the sexism in that post and responded with this (I feel like such a piece of meat), with further comments here. Today, Hawkins has a roundup of more comments on the topic of sexism and blogging.

As for my opinion, I think, as long as we're letting them vote, women should be able to blog, too.

Oh, I guess that wasn't the topic. The question is whether cute female bloggers are more likely to get links that other female bloggers who are better writers. Well, would an attractive male blogger be more like to get links from female bloggers, I wonder? Which then begs the question: who is the biggest blog-stud out there?

Oh yeah - me.

Wait, what was I talking about again?

As I yet again steal David Letterman's intellectual property (hey, I'm pretty sure one of his writers once stole from me), here is:

TOP TEN THING OVERHEARD FROM INSURGENTS IN FALLUJAH

10. "I'm not scared of any infidel U.S. Marine... but those camels, man; they bite.

9. "Just out of idle curiosity, do you still get 72 virgins if you're shot in the back while running away?"

8. "It doesn't matter that the U.S. troops have better weapons, better tactics, and some concept of hygiene, because we have Allah on our side! He will... Hey! Allah is escaping out the back! Someone stop Him! Allah, You coward!"

7. "I know we should be more concerned with this holy war, but I think it would be nice if someone subtly mentioned the Atkins diet to Sadr."

6. "There is some point to this insurgency other than getting us all killed, right?"

5. "I just can't stand those infidels with their loose women who walk around uncovered! By the way, does anyone have more pictures of that outrage?"

4. "I think Sadr may be inflating the amount of support we have, because it looks like half of our fellow 'brothers' are just monkeys dressed up in bandoliers."

3. "If we hide in a mosque, we'll be safe. No one would bomb a mosque... other than us, I mean."

2. "Stupid Americans trying to make things better for other people! Did it ever occur to them that some of us like festering?"

And the number one thing over heard from insurgents in Fallujah...

"I'm not just going to stand around here waiting to die. F**k this Shiite!"

On my blogads, I have Robert Whitfield trying to beat a liberal in North Carloina, and he could use your help.

Also, check out Cooper for President once you're done getting all your humor here for the day.

Remember: All real Frank Fans check out my sponsors.

Again, make sure to be like Frank and donate to Spirit of America (also on my blogads). Doug the T-Shirt Guy has suggested that I do some charity auction for them like other bloggers. What do you guys think? Should I abuse my position of power by using it to help others, or should I stick to the purity of only enriching myself?

It's finally here! Here are twenty contestants, and I think we have a good mix of young'ns and more experienced babes. I almost wish we could pick more than one, but someone has to be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, get all the IMAO t-shirts, and, upon modeling them, one hundred dollars cash and a hundred dollar shopping spree at ThoseShirts.com. Because of the great turnout, second and third places winners will also get a t-shirt, plus I'll try to think of a little something to give all the contestants as thanks for competing.

Without further ado, here they are:

* * * *

1.

Willow’s Hawkey Rant
(From The Whomping Willow)
Something has been bugging me about Fallujah. I mean besides the obvious. That has been sickening me, disgusting me, throwing me into near apoplectic rages that result in me pacing the house, muttering things like "savages," "carpet bomb," "hellfire missile" under my breath until Paul
calmly reminds me that most likely there were people around the area who were disgusted by what those animals were doing, too. There are probably some people left in that area who still possess some humanity and they couldn't, he said, just waltz into the middle of the throng and stop what was going on.

Maybe.

But reading Christopher Hitchens' article today made it clear what was bugging me about Fallujah. It's a reminder of what the future will be like if we fail. It's like I was looking into Galadriel's mirror, the Ring weighing down upon my neck, and I'm looking at the shire, burnt and blackened and
horrible. What we've done in Afghanistan is right, what we've done in Iraq is right. Right, but not complete. Orcs still roam in Mordor.
(Sorry for the Tolkien indulgence I'll stop now.)…
the rest of the post is here…

Willow's Picture

* * * *

2.

I could wax poetic about the way the freedoms we enjoy must be protected by the men who fight so we don't have to. I could go on for pages and pages on the subject of vengeance, tyranny, and the defense of the innocent. I could talk 'til I was blue in the face about justice and other such high-minded ideals. But let's face it: all of this has been said before, and by better writers than I. Instead, I will express this sentiment, which I believe sums up my position quite nicely:

If we don't take the battle to them, they will bring the battle to us. And I do not want the battle brought to us; I mean, do you have any idea how hard it is to beat someone into the ground with a baseball bat without breaking a nail? Seriously. At least they would probably run before my mascara did. Then I could just shoot them.

Joanna Lees
"The Good-Natured Cynic"

Joanna's Picture

* * * *

3.

From the attached photo, you will see I'm a chick. It is my sincerest hope you deem my babeness potentially worthy of your great shirt.

Your shirt design rocks and I would wear it proudly. In fact, I probably try to get my entire family in it. (One husband and our three sons who play SOCOM online often and blow up their fair share of terrorists.)

You need someone my age to wear your awesome shirt! It should be worn in the city we live in. *g*

Thank you for your time and consideration--

Kelli Lowry
Vicksburg, MS
http://www.geocities.com/k_lo5/

Kelli's Picture

* * * *

4.

Elise Cordell presents: The Hawkish Statement

For starters, why the HELL does Fallujah still exist? Innocent Americans have been mercilessly slaughtered and we're holding back? You would think that our origins were French. Fucking pussies. The only time they get rowdy is when you get in the way of their 'culture'. You want some cheese with that whine Chirac? And to think these UN assholes want to get in the way. Are they stupid? Just let the American troops do what they were trained to do; kick some serious terrorist ass. That, or you're next dick. The best thing to do to Fallujah? Take it all out in one sweep with our mighty friend, the MOAB. Oh yes folks, at least three football fields worth of damage. Good God I hope they air the action on CNN. Haven't seen a real fireworks show since the bombing of Afghanistan. I cry tears of artistic appreciation just reminiscing. An even better idea is to just nuke Iraq like it was a test site. Seriously, the whole Middle East needs a good flushing. They could afford to start over completely, and hell, it would be nice to have a constant source of oil. United States annexes can be useful.

Elise's Picture

* * * *

5.

Liberals often ask me, "If there's a God, why is there evil and suffering in the world?"

I always reply, "Perhaps because God in his mercy wanted to give Liberals and their terrorists friends two things they could actually be good at."

Some people just don't appreciate the gifts they're given, though!
The enemy is not content to be evil in moderation. No! Instead it has to go about charring people to death. That's what we have "Puff the Magic Dragons" and Daisy Cutters and Chomps for. I support the use of all three. But not at once, because we couldn't have Chomps gettin' all Daisy Cuttered could we?

Miranda Marmorstein (Yes, yes it is a jooish last name)

Miranda's Picture

* * * *

6.

My appearance doesn't put me in the "babe" category, but my behavior definitely is hawkish.

Who else but a hawkish chick would pose with a patriotic rubber ducky in a trainer at Patuxent River Naval Air Museum in Maryland? Who else would help her college roommate, a flight test engineer at Pax River, install a multi-mode receiver in a P-3 Orion while on vacation?

Who else would provide a stunning image of a screaming Bald Eagle to a conservative blogger so that he can create a patriotic design and post it on his website? And who else would prod - nay, stalk - Bill Whittle about publishing Silent America?

A hawkish chick supports the troops, and I've been donating to the USO's Phone Home campaigns for months. After Rich Galen of Mullings requested Double-Stuf Oreos, I collected cookies from coworkers and mailed a huge box of goodies. I also collected magazines and sent two boxes to Jason Van Steenwyk of Iraq Now. After Jason requested school supplies for Iraqi children, I sent small boxes of pens, scissors, calculators, sunglasses and other requested items. When my tax return arrives, I will donate half of it to Spirit of America.

A Recovering Liberal
Costa Mesa, Calif.

A Recovering Liberal's Picture

* * * *

7.

Imao Babe: A short version of the many reasons I am the ultimate IMAO babe:
1) I love money, proof that I am not a commie
2) No matter what my hair color, I am always this cute
3) I look great in black t-shirts
4) I hate anyone who threatens my rights, including terrorists

Smart and beautiful, what more could you want?

Megan Weilacher

Megan's Picture

* * * *

8.

If you don't make me T-Shirt Babe I'll hunt you down just like I hunted down Osama. That's right! I killed Osama. Why do you think Dubya can't find him? Huh?

I never post anymore, but: www.pecas.blogspot.com

~ Adela

Adela's Picture

* * * *

9.

Hey Peaceniks, FOAD. It’s Why We Fight.

1991.

Driving through the desert of Saudi Arabia, in what must’ve been a mile-long convoy, I could see up ahead a group of Bedou, off to the left and very near the convoy itself. I could make out two men and two young children, the former just standing around, the latter scampering to and fro, picking up all the items that were being tossed out the window by the soldiers.

Our turn finally came. The boy was older than his sister, that’s all I remember of him. The girl, maybe 7 yrs old, had gorgeous, long, curly, black hair, uncovered and loose. She was one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen.

Fast-forward to a four-truck convoy, last in line, on the hardball (a paved road), and parallel to a walled compound. At a four-way intersection, a “tween” jumps in front of my Humvee with a lead pipe in his hand, screaming in Arabic. My door flies open and a swarm of kids are there, rootin through all the paraphernalia that lay at my side or feet. We discovered later that they managed to swipe our case of MREs that was wedged in a cranny. “Good for them”.

-Lydia VH

Lydia's Picture

* * * *

10.

To those who do not know me but seek to rob Americans of our lifestyles, I say thus:

Hand me a t-shirt.

I fear no terrorist. There is little I can personally do to stop another human being from sacrificing himself or herself , his children or her children or his or her way of life to cease mine. Each day I waited to write this, more acts of terrorism (and denouncement of it) wrote themselves in the history books. A week ago - Saudi Arabia and a car bomb - many dead.. The Palestinian conflict with Israel, never-ending. Europe ignores bin Laden’s truce offer. This week?

Nothing on American soil. My security in that pronouncement stems from this administration’s willingness to stand in the face of those who seek to kill or maim us. The wounded don’t forget. The families of those who never knew to fight back don’t “move on.” And we, we who know the path to fight terrorism doesn’t include a side road named Bargaining, we live our lives.

Everyone knows someone who knows someone touched personally by September 11, 2001. Let there never be another.

Heather Noggle (the only Peace Gallery Alumni to enter)
http://angelweave.mu.nu

Heather's Picture

* * * *

11.

After much soul searching concerning how to be hawkish, I have decided to combine those two things that I hate the most: Terrorists and Michael Moore. Michael Moore pretends to care about the lives of American soldiers (while demoralizing them and us with his lies and propaganda) while remaining fat, safe and stupid at home. Terrorists are concerned with killing fat, safe and stupid Americans at home. Let's bring them together. Mr. Moore should be flown to Iraq and strapped to the side of convoy Humvees. That way, when a roadside bomb goes off, everyone is happy. Soldiers are shielded from the blast by Moore's largeness, and we are spared any future idiotic and disingenuous pontificating by Moore.

~CCinCali

CCinCali's Picture

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12.

Killing insurgents with full metal jackets
Leveling hide-outs and other such tactics
Terrorists wrapped up in flexi-cuff rings
These are a few of my favorite things

When the bombs fly
Terrorists cry
We'll leave nothing to chance
We thank all of our troops and our allied groups
And when we're done we'll pave France

~Serenity
http://www.serenitysjournal.com

Serenity's Picture

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13.

I should be the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, because i hate terrorists, as they are ugly, mean, nasty, evil, stupid and foreign. Seriously though, I hate terrorists because George, Condi and Frank J tell me I should; that's all the convincing I need.

I also hate the French, the Commies, the Hippies and John Kerry, basically all for the same reasons: they are French-looking, wear bad tie-dyed clothing, have awful hair, smell putrid and lie a lot; I have no use for such people.

As the IMAO T-Shirt Babe, I wouldn't really do anything significant... unless helping Frank J increase t-shirt sales by 500% is considered significant. I mean, look at me! What idiot wouldn’t buy a “Know Thy Enemy” t-shirt after seeing it on me?? And smart people, well they’ll buy at least two!

If those reasons alone don’t prove my worthiness, I can always resort to empty threats.

SarahK – too brave for the UN
http://kiser47.typepad.com

p.s. George W. Bush approved this IMAO T-Shirt Babe Contest entry. Vote for me, or Rummy will sic Chomps on your esophagus.

SarahK's Picture

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14.

In the War on Terror, I feel it's my duty as an American woman to wear clingier clothing, flirt more outrageously, have more orgasms, and get on top more often. Whatever is taboo to the islamofascists is on my to do list for the day. Pass the pork chops.

I don't want to appease them. I don't want to understand them. I don't want to let them reap the benefits of our liberalism while plotting our destruction. Like most Americans, I would have been more than happy to let them pretend the last 400 years of progress never happened, as long as they didn't force their warped-vision goggles on anyone else. But since they brought the war to us, let's kill all the terrorists and pave the Middle East with outlet malls, fast food franchises, and Disney Mecca. Let's infect their entire population with personal liberty and dissension and critical thinking. And if that doesn't work, let's flood them with porn spam.

Michelle Hendrix (aka shell)
www.acrosstheatlantic.com

Michelle's Picture

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15.

The belief that thugs who murder busloads of children will stop because you chant at them is idiocy, not pacifism. I would like for there to be no need for violence or war. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of so-called 'people'
who like to terrorize everybody else; they've used violence to start this argument, and I see no reason not to continue the debate on those terms.
Particularly because we are better at it than they are (and by 'we' I mean 'the US armed forces, of which I am a supporter, not a member').

I like hawks. They are graceful in flight, but awkward on the ground, so you don't feel like you have to hate them for being better than you at everything, including walking. As an added bonus, most of them will gladly eat any rat it finds for dinner, thus cutting down on vermin and reducing the risk of rodent-spread diseases. They don't bother to try to imitate human speech, though, so a hawkish statement is more like an indignant squawk with fluffed feathers. I don't have any feathers, but this is for my entry, anyway. SQUAWK!

~Nony Mouse

Nony Mouse's Picture

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16.

Name: BerkeleyChick (aka Reva)

URL: http://www.calpatriot.org This isn't actually my website, it's the website of the California Patriot, the conservative student magazine both BerkeleyGirl (Carissa) and I write for. Since I don't have a personal site, I thought your readers might want to see (read: donate to) what the rest of the Berkeley College Republicans are up to. =)

Hawkish Statement:

A popular liberal slogan I see a lot is "Regime Change Begins at Home." Well, I've decided that they're right--and I'm starting right here in Berkeley. So in my picture I'm standing in front of the Institute of Governmental Studies, where I have proudly placed a Bush sticker on their sign, mocking their ultra-liberalism. Armed only with a patriotic t-shirt and my razor-sharp wit (because sadly I cannot buy a handgun in this terrible state for another two months), I am prepared to challenge hippies and college professors alike, destroying their poorly articulated arguments for socialism with my clever rhetoric and complicated analogies involving class systems, woodland creatures, and, oddly enough, sporks. I'm just trying to do my part to make the country a little safer by taking care of these internal threats, so that our kick-ass armed forces can focus on protecting us from the bad guys outside America. Because while moral support for the military is always needed, I'm sure they appreciate an old-fashioned civilian bitchslap every once in a while, too.

Reva's Picture

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17.

My name: Beca Green AKA Miss Beca

my website: www.ministryofevil.com (not updated in ages, though)

My statement:

When you think about it, liberal peaceniks and monkeys actually have a lot in common. The screech, bite, and throw crap, but when I finally get fed up enough to smack one, suddenly I'm the bad guy. As if refusing to give up life and liberty is somehow a bad thing. Idiots.

Don't get me wrong; I don't hate liberals per se. Actually, I have a sick sort of fascination with the type of mind that can hear terrorists say "we are coming to kill you" and decide that, oh, poor Osama just wasn't hugged enough when he was little. That decides that a good rousing chorus of "Kumbaya" will make everything right as rain. That insists that when Americans get blown to smithereens, it is somehow their own fault. Such an amazing disconnect from the forces of reality is really spectacular to behold.

The hatred doesn't show up until those who hold such silly ideals come to enforce them on me and mine. Well, they say, I feel that it's this or that. I feel, I feel, I feel. Well, Bucko, you've got your feelings, I've got my 12-gauge. We're both happy. Now shut up.

Miss Beca's Picture

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18.

War is an amazing event created simply for the purpose of domination. It is what has allowed the greatest country in the history of the world to maintain its superpower status for over 50 years, all thanks to the skills and leadership of the United States military forces. Although combat does result in the loss of life, those who die for the sake of America and the freedoms she guarantees are undeniably some of the most selfless and respected people in the world. Some countries have yet to feel the overpowering strength that is the U.S. armed forces, but when that time comes, they will understand why the entire continent of Europe forfeited any claim to influence or power in the world so many years ago. God bless America, and God bless our troops.

~Carissa aka BerkeleyGirl

Carissa's Picture

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19.

To Frank J. and the other esteemed judges:

Thank you for allowing me to try out for the opportunity to fulfill my life-long (well, month-long) dream of being the IMAO T-Shirt Babe.

This will allow me to do my small part to let the world know that you do not disparage, taunt, or mess with the US without severe life-eliminating consequences and also that we will not be led around on a leash by the UN.

I am an extremely conservative Republican. I love George W. Bush and despise terrorists, monkeys, and France (and I am no longer too keen on Spain either).

And in case that isn't enough: I want all terrorists dead. Very, very dead. (Simian-type animals also, Frank.)

~Teri Rabinek

Teri's Picture

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20.

There are many reasons why I should be voted IMAO's t-shirt babe (or at least first runner-up in the event the winner is tragically rendered unable to complete her reign due to mysteriously breaking both her legs in a freak accident)....

I, Jonag, should be elected because of my increasingly successful attempts to defeat liberalism by out-breeding them. As we all know, liberals like to abort their babies or at the very least give birth to only 1.7 children per liberal household. I have, as of this writing, given birth to 4 future conservative Republicans. I have also devoted my life to their indoctrination by homeschooling them (which allows me to fill their minds with ideas from great thinkers such as Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Frank J. Fleming, not to mention John Adams, Patrick Henry and Thomas Jefferson). At this rate, within 30 years, my little conservatives will have given birth to their own little conservatives, thus increasing my Republican progeny at least 4 fold. And in 50 years... well you do the math (Frank!).

I have also been thwarting liberalism by engaging in a monogamous, heterosexual marriage for the past 17 1/2 years and doing so quite happily (which really torques them).

Not only should I win, I outright DESERVE to win! All the other contestants are too young and therefore are still in training for true conservative womanhood. I, on the other hand, am already living it and have begun to pass it on to the next generation! Remember....Choose wisely.

~Jonag

Jonag's Picture

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Now it goes to the judges:
Me
Doug the T-shirt Guy
Emperor Darth Misha I
Harvey
Bill Whittle
Blackfive
John Hawkins
Glenn Reynolds
Contest Winner No One of Consequence

I've turned off comments so there will be no influencing the judges. Each will pick their top five ranked (5 points for first place to one point for fifth place on a jusge's ranking), and hopefully there will be no tie so there won't be some messy runoff. Since these bloggers can be busy (and I need time to make my picks), I'm giving the judges the weekend to send it their votes. The winner will be revealed Monday morning.

Good luck to all the contestants. May the best babe win.

(for reference, here are is the original contest announcement)

Use X-1.

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a1 f6 42 d9 58 e6 cd 02 59 f9 25 6f 0b 44 07 ca
c5 0a d3 59 de d8 50 7e 0f f7 57 a0 43 77 1b 1a
4c f2 c6 a7 2d 11 3d da c7 b1 d6 ce 1e 42 7f f7
b3 14 95 a8 9b 7f 7e 4a be be 7e 04 32 fe f3 c3
ad f2 2d f1 b8 91 36 47 f1 af 5f 13 3e bb 9b 62
71 e4 a3 b6 73 06 35 24 dc c3 89 3b 42 b8 1e d4
17 11 cc d1 88 a4 99 9f 7f d3 2e 2e 9c aa 00 a1
e5 e9 70 47 27 72 e6 2a 97 42 bd 04 17 7e 43 0f
c5 f4 c0 92 53 1f 03 b8 cd 99 49 9d 1f ca 50 62
35 ed 39 04 2f 58 58 bb 5f fe f6 62 dd 0a d7 54
a0 fe 11 14 86 64 85 3e 35 36 c3 cf b1 f4 70 c9
69 dd 2d 1d 7e f5 b7 b4 cf c9 68 59 7b c4 98 c4
0b 3b 56 3e 67 85 d5 07 c1 82 c1 b0 3e 56 36 6b
7e ef 81 4f 55 de 30 af 26 9e 67 6c f2 07 a9 06
2c d6 51 61 5f 8b a0 18 47 29 56 3b d9 90 ab 18
a3 38 e6 c0 8e 4e 78 a3 f4 47 3f 65 1f 5b bb e6
5b b0 2b af 7f d8 a8 6e 62 5d a3 95 47 8b 82 88
76 e2 3e