...to the incredibly brave and dedicated men and women of The Coalition:
We're so incredibly proud of you, we owe you more than we can ever repay and WE'VE GOT YOUR SIX!
G-d Bless You All and Stay Safe!
We all love and admire you, our enemies piss their robes just thinking about you, and Satan his own stinking, worthless self would be well-advised to think twice before picking a fight with you, because you truly are the Leanest, Meanest Motherf*ckers in the Valley!
(Link via the Imperial Surgeon General)
...that is the question.
Whether 'tis consider'd nobler to suffer in the open
the slings and arrows of outraged ladies not wanting to be reminded,
or by not remembering to suffer their fury at being ignored?
Well, discretion may sometimes be the better part of valor, but we still haven't gotten around to looking up the word "discretion", so we don' t have the first clue as to what that means, so here goes:
To the Lady Denita as well as (a day late, admittedly) the Lady Jennifer, we offer our Imperial Best Wishes and a loud and heartfelt:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
...along with our hopes that neither of you fair and sharp-witted ladies take offense at our reminding you of your advance in years.
After all, your wisdom has grown by a full year, yet your looks are as astounding as ever.
Yes, now you too can read it and know it, straight from the horse's mouth, thanks to Sir John the Merciless.
(Needless to say, it doesn't include the Sooper Sekrit VRWC Agenda™, but all of you members already have a copy of that one. It came with your last check from the HalliburtonCheneyBushCoZionist Conspiracy to Rule the Universe, Roll Grannies Down Stairs and Club Baby Seals™)
[UPDATE: Turns out that Sir George had it in for Andy Looney too. I was about to say something along the lines of "great minds think alike", but then I read Sir George's excellent Fisking and realized that there's a limit to how much even I can flatter myself.
Allow me to give you an example of Sir George's ability to see the whole forest while people like my humble self are banging our heads against the trees:
President Bush personally apologized to the entire Arab world, and heads are rolling, all because a half-dozen guards indulged in some kinky fun for a day. The Arab world has never seen one of their own leaders apologize for brutality, even after dumping 400,000 bodies into mass graves, or running torture chambers that would frighten the Marquis de Sade. We're showing the Arab people that they can demand and expect not only an apology for such abuses, but punishment of the abusers, and that if they can expect this from the most powerful country on earth then they can certainly demand it from their own leaders. [Emphasis mine - M.]Beautiful, no?
While I was busy being utterly disgusted (rightfully so) at our President prostrating himself in front of the Arab World for something he has absolutely no responsibility for, I failed to see the powerful message underneath, a message that, if it sinks in, is a kick to the nads of every tin-pot dictator theocrat in that part of the world.
Now go read the rest of Sir George's post. It's all good.]
Andy the Looney Fuckweasel, whose endearing comments about our soldiers still haven't made CBS fire his sagging ass, where he describes them as nothing but a bunch of drooling 'tards press-ganged into the Armed Forces because they couldn't tie their shoe laces without help and definitely not somebody worthy of being called "heroes", steps up to the plate and spews yet another load of Idiotarian vomitus all over "60 Minutes" (as if that show needed any more of that):
The day the world learned that American soldiers had tortured Iraqi prisoners belongs high on the list of worst things that ever happened to our country. It's a black mark that will be in the history books in a hundred languages for as long as there are history books.Apparently your sense of perspective is one of the things that go when you cross the threshold into drooling senility.
So this salivating, wrinkled bag of rat shit long overdue for a one-on-one with Dr. Kevorkian is saying that, say, My Lai is no worse and no better than making a bunch of insurgents run around naked with panties on their heads?
Why, we DO believe that that's exactly what he's saying.
He's probably right that it'll be in history books too. Thanks to hysterical fuckups like himself, that is. Written by hysterical fuckups like himself and read and quoted from exclusively by hysterical fuckups like himself.
A very appropriate two words come to mind for his headstone:
"About Time."
I hate to think of it.Not nearly as much as we hate thinking about limping old Idiotarian fucks like you and the oxygen that you keep stealing from more worthy organisms - such as cockroaches.
The image of one bad young woman with a naked man on a leash did more to damage America's reputation than all the good things we've done over the years ever helped our reputation.Not in my book, Methuselah. The only damage it did, it did because dripping, shriveled dicks like your ignoble self couldn't stop trying to tease your limp man-meat into producing an erection by looking at the pictures 24/7.
And what's all this nonsense about all the good that we've done and how it has helped our reputation, Ol' Man Muttfucker? Sure, we have done more good than any other nation on Earth, but all that we got for our trouble and our dead sons was a big gob of spit in the face from the people we'd helped, Abu Ghraib or no Abu Ghraib.
What were the secrets they were trying to get from captured Iraqis?What business is it of yours, Looney?
What important information did that poor devil on the leash have that he wouldn't have given to anyone in exchange for a crust of bread or a sip of water?If you're trying to put on display your complete ignorance about how to get information from people who absolutely, positively don't want to give any to you, you're succeeding admirably.
If you're trying to be clever, on the other hand, you're failing yet again.
Where were your officers? If someone told you to do it, tell us who told you. If your officers were told – we should know who told them.No.
You specifically shouldn't know a damn thing, because it's none of your effing business, you worthless old hack.
The Military Court dealing with the perps, on the other hand, should know. And they will know.
One general said our guards were "untrained." Well, untrained at what? Being human beings? Did the man who chopped off Nicholas Berg's head do it because he was untrained?Never content with proving himself to be a mere Drooling Fucktard, Asshole Looney has to top himself by claiming moral equivalence between pulling negligee over an insurgent's head and sawing the head off an innocent contractor.
Well, that solves my conundrum, then. I was going to put these granny panties on your head and drag you down to Times Square on a leash, Looney, but since you don't see any difference anyway, I might as well save myself the trouble and saw your head off with this blunt knife in my other hand.
The guards who tortured prisoners are faced with a year in prison. Well, great. A year for destroying our reputation as decent people.Speak for yourself, O Poster Boy for Euthanasia.
They didn't spoil my reputation, since I had nothing to do with what they did.
I don't want them in prison, anyway. We shouldn't have to feed them. Take away their right to call themselves American - that's what I’d do. You aren't one of us. Get out. We don't want you. Find yourself another country or a desert island somewhere. If the order came from someone higher up, take him with you.Not a bad idea. Actually, I'm all in favor of it.
Can we offer the same service to everybody else who is about as American as Fidel Castro or Osama bin Liner? Do you have any particular country that you'd prefer that we drop your wrinkled ass over, Andy?
In the history of the world, several great civilizations that seemed immortal have deteriorated and died. I don't want to seem dramatic tonight,Well, that's a new one. What made you change your mind and decide to break with tradition like that?
...but I've lived a long while,Far too long, some might say.
...and for the first time in my life, I have this faint, faraway fear that it could happen to us here in America as it happened to the Greek and Roman civilizations.Both of which, as we know, disappeared because they liked putting panties on the heads of Persians and Visigoths.
Nope, you don't want to overdramatize at all.
Too many Americans don't understand what we have here,Oh, but we do.
We have here a perfect example of longevity leading to a state of mind even less useful than death.
...or how to keep it.What makes you think that we want to keep you, Looney?
I worry for my grandchildren, my great-grandchildren. I want them to have what I've had, and I sense it slipping away.Wrong again. Idiots like you are giving it away and then you have the unmitigated gall to blame somebody else.
Cowardly cumweasel.
I don't want your grandchildren and great-grandchildren to have what you had or, even less, what you have. I want them to live productive lives full of dignity and then, once their time on Earth is up, to go into eternity leaving behind nothing but pleasant memories about somebody who lived good lives.
That's a lot more than you'll ever have, you asshelmet.
So, to sum up the Andy Looney Experience™ thus far, we have him first stating that our troops fighting for us overseas aren't heroes, that they're in fact a bunch of retards with no hope in life other than to join the army, and now teaching us (without being dramatic or anything, of course) that captured insurgents wearing panties on their heads ranks among the worst crimes against humanity ever committed and that playing a game of Naked Twister© with them will mean the end of civilization as we know it, in the same way that similar deeds brought down the Roman and Greek Empires.
Let it be resolved that my family has a solemn duty to kill me if I ever start sounding like this vat of verbal diarrhea in my dotage.
Wait, they already know that. I told them to turn off the respirator a long time ago.
At least the good citizens of Houston know how to deal with pederasts, according to this article sent to us by LC Saul:
Wielding baseball bats and sticks, a crowd in northwest Houston on Sunday chased down a man suspected of preying on neighborhood children in recent weeks.What? No firearms? No rope?"We know him. The whole neighborhood knows him," said Carlos Gonzalez.
Oh well, we have to find good cheer where we can in these pussified times, and at least this piece of shit won't be feeling up kids for a while. Unfortunately, "for a while" means until the first public scumbag defender can get him off the hook and back on the streets, which will probably be all of a few hours.
Residents told police the 44-year-old man tried to lure children into his van last week while it was parked at a nearby elementary school. They also accused him of hugging a 12-year-old boy on Saturday while he was wearing women's clothing.Here's a perfect example of Teaching Your Children Well™.Neighborhood children initiated the pursuit of the suspected child predator.
"The little kids spotted him. The little kids started the chase," Gonzalez said. "All the little kids in the neighborhood -- they had sticks and everything."
About 20 children, mostly armed with sticks, began following the man when they spotted him at 12:45 p.m. near Peg and Bolin.Asshat bleeding hearts. You find them hiding under rocks fucking everywhere.Adults joined in the chase when the man threatened the youngsters.
"I came out with a baseball bat," Gonzalez said. "When he saw the men coming, he ran."
The residents cornered the man in a fenced-in yard near Granite and Bolin until police arrived.
The homeowner called police and pleaded with the crowd to not harm the man.
Gonzalez said the man dropped a bundle on the ground that contained a girl's shirt wrapped around several pictures of small children.So he can be let go on a technicality immediately, in an orderly and law-abiding fashion.Officers arrested the man when they discovered the van he was driving had been stolen. They found several pairs of socks, a boy's T-shirt and a pair of girl's underwear inside the vehicle.
Though arrested for car theft, detectives were attempting to determine if he had been under investigation on child molestation or related charges.
While nobody was hurt during Sunday's pursuit, officers said residents shouldn't take the law into their own hands.
"You need to call law enforcement and let us handle that," said Houston police officer S.A. Burk.
And what's the fucking problem anyways, officer? They cornered the little molesting freak for you and held him until you got there. A damn crying shame that they didn't make him "trip" 7,655 times before you got there, but if it hadn't been for them, he'd still be roaming the streets.
Or perhaps you think that you'd have caught him?
[Waits for laughter to die down]
Didn't think so either.
Instead of being such a massive prick about it, you ought to thank the good citizens of Houston for helping you do your job, but that would make you seem almost human, wouldn't it?
Police said officers have responded to two calls in the area recently, but none resulted in any arrest.Point fucking proven.
THAT'S what you get when you "call law enforcement and let them handle it", flatfoot. A big, fat nothing.
Listen, I recognize the fact that you can't be everywhere at once and, unlike liberal asshats, I don't expect you to be either. I appreciate every little thing that you can do with the resources that you have available to you, but it would help all of us if you'd stop the ridiculous "just leave it to law enforcement, we'll take care of everything".
Try "thank you" for once. It would keep you from looking like self-righteous pricks.
Oh yes, we're behind on our updates in this category, woefully behind.
Actually, "woefully behind" isn't the way we feel about it, since any amount that we're behind translates directly into paleswinian terrorists being sent off to enjoy their eternity of being raped by horny goats in Hell, but you get the drift.
Thanks to LC Christopher, we get yet another wonderful story about premature explodulation among the ululating yahoos of paleswine:
NABLUS, West Bank — Three members of the HamasGuess you guys should've stuck to playing with yourselves or your goats, no?militantterrorist group were killed Sunday while handling explosives, Palestinian security sources said.
The men had pulled their car up alongside an abandoned vehicle used to store their explosives, and the storage vehicle blew up while one of the militants was handling materials inside, the sources said."No, Abdul, it's the RED wire!"
"What, Ahmed???"
"The RED wi..."
*BOOM!*
Witnesses said the men had rushed to scene after police attempted to clear out the area due to suspicions about the abandoned vehicle. They said the men were hastily trying to gather the explosives when the blast went off."Haste makes waste."
Or, in this case, it got rid of three sacks of it.
The security sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, said it was unclear whether the explosion had been accidental or whether Israel had carried it out.Based on numerous reports about similar incidents whenever Ahmed and his Parkinsonic Troupe of Twits try fiddling around with stuff that goes "boom", we're perfectly willing to believe that the paleswinians are quite capable of the idiocy and ignorance required to bring about this fortuitous turn of events without outside assistance from Jooooish Superbeams™.
If we're wrong, we have only one thing to say:
Way to go, Israel!
Dozens ofKinda makes you think, doesn't it?Palestiniansdisplaced Arabmilitantsterrorists have been killed over the past 3 1/2 years of fighting while handling explosives meant for attacks against Israel.
Heheheheheheh.
Military officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, denied any army involvement in the incident.Aww, don't be modest, if you did it you DESERVE full credit, dammit.
Well, it's our score board, so the three latest additions to Mohammed's Muttfuckers of Hell go up whether you'll acknowledge them or not.
Ken Burns decided to out himself as a loon with his speech to the graduating class at Yale.
NEW HAVEN, Conn. -- With presidential security helicopters circling over the Yale University campus, filmmaker Ken Burns denounced the war in Iraq on Sunday and told graduating seniors to remember history as they work to repair divides in American culture.
Maybe remembering history is exactly what we're doing. You know, planes flying into buildings while people dance in the streets of Palestine, Iraq, and Afghanistan. Peacenik historians have an odd problem, in that they claim that a knowledge of history would stop people from going to war, yet blame half the wars on people's inabilty to get over the past.
Without mentioning Bush by name, Burns drew parallels between today's political leaders and the Iraq war, versus Abraham Lincoln and the Civil War, which he chronicled in an award-winning film series.
I'd be amazed to know what those parallels were. Would they be the unilateral invasion of the South? Lincoln was such a bastard! Would it be the South's refusal to abide by a cease-fire agreement and an armload of UN resolutions? I must admit, I'm lost here.
Both wars threatened to tear the country apart, Burns said.
It's not the war that's threatening to tear the country apart. It's the idiot moonbats marching for ANSWER, supporting North Korea, Saddam, and any other totalitarian dictator who crosses their path. Then toss in a self-confessed war-criminal running for President, and you have a nasty mix. Yet the fight is not here and the enemy is not George Bush. Fanatics are trying to kill us, and the liberals get mad at "their own" side. This isn't a remake of "The Civil War" as much as it's a rehash of Copperheads versus Lincoln.
"Steel yourselves. Your generation must repair this damage, and it will not be easy," Burns told the seniors.
It'll be a hell of a lot easier for the copperheads to get a clue than for the rest of us to rebuild two giant skyscrapers, or forget over 3,000 people who died that day.
Burns quoted famed jurist Learned Hand as saying, "Liberty is never being too sure you're right."
Well isn't that just special. We must be unsure! unconfident! nonbold! Before we go off and do the right thing, we must flagellate ourselves until we find away to back out! Uncertainty and timidity must triumph!! Meet monstrosity with verbosity! Fight atrocity with pomposity! In this reckless rush to war we should've battled velocity with viscosity and gummed the gears of war with turgid No's.
Give us more, O Caesar! »
We're on our Imperial Way out of the door, but before we call for the sedan and have the bearers whipped, we would like to point you all to the Imperial Minister of Truth, Bill Whittle's, latest masterpiece.
Go now, go.
The Empire will still be here when you're done and, much more than that, it'll be much stronger once you've read it, for these are words to steel the hearts of all of us in these troubled times.
Worry not thyselves, for we have not yet begun to fight.
JUNE 7th, 1944
Opposition in Congress calls for a complete withdrawal from Europe after what they call "a miserable failure" on D-Day.
10,249 soldiers have been lost since Eisenhower declared "mission accomplished" after the landings in Europe yesterday.
Reports that German soldiers have been forced to strip naked and wear ladies' underwear on their heads while in the custody of the Allies have led to the SHAEF issuing orders that German prisoners of war are, under no circumstances, to be deprived of their uniforms, personal effects or sidearms.
Members of the opposition have gone on the record denouncing the gross humiliations and cultural insensitivity shown towards German POWs, such as allowing them to be interrogated by negroes and Jews.
The International Red Cross issued a stern condemnation of the practice and President Roosevelt is expected to issue a full apology to Adolf Hitler tomorrow.
LC & IB Serenity is pissed off, and so are we.
It seems there is no end to how merciful we are as a nation when it comes to letting pond scum live rather than flushing it down the nearest toilet, as evidenced by this article.
GEORGE BUSH WAS right to say the abuse of Iraqi prisoners at Abu Ghraib represents a "stain" on the occupation. But the image conjured up by the admission—a lone mark on an otherwise clean war—is way off. As the media solemnly tracks the rise of the U.S. body count,...they like to keep idiots like you supplied with stuff to spank the monkey to.
...the number of Iraqi civilian casualties invisibly passes 10,000,Invisibly? INVISIBLY? Hardly a day passes by without asshelmets like you moaning, pissing and howling into the wind about the "massive civilian death toll" among "innocent civilians".
...with only a handful the result of prison abuse.Less than a handful, actually, but don't let actual facts interfere with a thoroughly unmemorable rant.
There is no official investigation into the rest. The American flag hanging in Paul Bremer's office doesn't just have a grape-sized splotch on it; it's so grossly spattered with blood and bodily fluids it might as well be the picnic blanket the 372nd MP unit uses for outdoor gangbangs.Oh yes, it is swimming in it. And that's just PART of it. You should see the rugs at Imperial HQ! We spend HOURS every day trying to suck up the thousands of gallons of blood that we've brutally spilled all over the place.
Though Abu Ghraib was no isolated crime,Proof, please? Or does fact checking and provinding corroborating evidence no longer figure in the syllabus of Journaljizm "School?"
That was a rhetorical question. We read the papers too, you know.
...its implications sink deep and wide, and spinning them hasn't been easy. As one Bush administration official dolefully admits, "The facts are not on our side."And unnamed, unsourced and totally unknown "official", we might add. Par for the course, these days.
So it's fallen upon the more brazen guardians of American virtue to attempt damage control, even as it becomes clear the abuse was systemic and rampant, stretching from Baghdad to Kabul to Guantanamo.So clear, in fact, that not a single shred of evidence has surfaced to prove the assertion.
Give us more, O Caesar! »
We apologize for the lack of free ice cream from yours truly, but we have family visiting from overseas and they would like a bit of our Imperial Attention (not to mention that we're more than happy to give it to them :) )
However, we already see that the Imperial Staff is doing a fine job of keeping up, so we're not exactly worried. Stellar job!
B.C. and Oki, you've got the helm.
(Note: Since TampaTrib.com articles are sent to pay-per-view archives after 3 days, we're going to post the entire article here, to make it easier to read after the 3 days have passed. Also, all emphasis is mine.---B.)
After all of the Wailing & Gnashing of Teeth™ by the Howling MoonBats of Idiotaria over the QUAGMIRE!™ and the incompetence of the BushCheneyHalliburtonRightWingIdeologueMilitaryIndustrialComplexOiiiilForBlood
WarOnLittleBrownPeopleImperialistCabalCo.™ and their "plan to re-instate the draft in order to send more oppressed minorities to the killing fields", we thought we'd bring you this little story as an Imperial Public Service Announcement.
CLEARWATER - Jordan Hunkin wants to be a Marine so desperately that he skipped his high school graduation this month to get an early start at boot camp. His recruiter had to pull some strings to make it happen. The slight 17-year-old wants to go straight into the infantry, qualify for Special Operations and become a sniper.And if he is needed in Iraq, bring it on.
``I want to do my part,'' said Hunkin, who showed up at the recruiting office with his father on his birthday, the first day he could legally enlist. ``I think it's our responsibility to the rest of the world to maintain order.''
It's pretty incredible that a 17 year-old kid has more sense than 99.99% of the PhD'd Asshats of Academia. He's also got a lot more hanging than 100% of them.
Despite a particularly bloody spring in Iraq for American troops and the fallout from the prisoner abuse scandal, business is still good for U.S. military recruiters.
"Particularly bloody spring" is a pretty relative term to throw in there, AP. You might want to ask a few WWII, Korean War (Sorry, UN Police Action™) and Viet Nam vets how they feel about your definition of "particularly bloody". We're sure they'd give you an earful. (And, quite possibly, a mouthful of loose teeth.)
Many recruits are unfazed by the flag-draped caskets coming home from Iraq since the surge of violence began April 1. Hunkin, for one, said he has ``heard some stories'' about combat over there, but is still ready to go.
Maybe it's because they don't want to see "flag-draped caskets" coming out of American cities?
The Pentagon said the fighting in Iraq has not affected overall recruiting numbers much one way or the other. Statistics through 2003 show all branches hitting annual targets, with no dramatic spikes. In fiscal year 2003, the Army, Navy, Marines and Air Force brought in 184,879 recruits to active duty, exceeding the objective by more than 500.
And that doesn't include the THOUSANDS of volunteers who were turned down, due to one reason or another.
And despite the bloodshed, soldiers are re-enlisting at rates that exceed retention goals, according to the Pentagon.
So much for the SphincterSmugglers' "The Troops Are Disillusioned!™ " meme.
Recruiters here say patriotic interest in the military has been high since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, and they are still tapping into it.Gunnery Sgt. David McDaniel, chief of Marine recruiting in Pinellas County, said his office has been so successful that recruits who signed on in April will have to wait until early next year to get a slot at boot camp at Parris Island, S.C., the initial destination for every fledgling Marine in the eastern United States.
There's The American Street™ talking.
And a good many want to fight.
And that vaunted Arab Street™ had better take their filthty fuckin' fingers out of their ears and listen. And they had better listen GOOD. Those 7th Century ShitSniffers haven't seen anything yet. Piss us off for REAL and they'll be praying to a fuckin' glowing glass parking lot for The Mall @ Mecca™.
Give us more, O Caesar! »
