Pandagon

10. Honor your father. Unless it's Jesse Jackson, in which case you should look all around the house whenever he's not around, find anything that has the letters "IRS" or looks like a check (picture below), and send it to my publisher.

9. Don't play the violent videogames or listen to MTV. Instead, expand your minds: read Laura Ingraham's Shut Up And Sing, Ann Coulter's Treason, Sean Hannity's This Book Is About Me, Sean Hannity, Who This Book Is About. There are people out to get you. Everywhere. They could be your neighbors. They could be...no, they *are* your teachers. Look towards folks like me, because we aren't motivated by the desire to ruin kids' minds like all that crap.

8. The Factor was the first show, the first journalistic outlet, to ever catch Pikachu. Not NBC. Not ABC, not Dan Rather. Us. And we caught him 4 separate times, more than anyone else.

7. Don't ever take anything from Hillary Clinton unless you have it on tape and her mask is off. Otherwise, you can't prove that she corrupted you.

6. Stay away from drugs. If you need a hit of something, get it from your church or a respected figure like me or other conservative radio hosts. And make sure that hit is of the best drug of all time, self-respect, and respect for your country. Get high on that.

5. If you're African-American, nobody but you is responsible for your plight. I don't care what your little socialistic teachers or parents say to you, nobody owes you anything because you're black. Don't listen to the rappers and the so-called "civil rights leaders" about that, because they're wrong. Nobody in the black community is going to tell you anything you need to know about being black. But I will.

4. Always be honest about who you are and where you came from, just like we do in the No Spin Zone.

3. Create your own No Spin Zone. Don't take anyone's word about anything if you're sure about your own opinion. You think anyone knows better than you? When I was a kid, I didn't trust my teachers, or what they said - you don't got nothin' but the brain on your own head, your fists, and your feet. That's all I had, and look where I am.

2. Believe in God. Barring that, believe in George W. Bush, because he's a godly man with nice teeth and strong calves.

1. Whatever you do, don't take bad advice just because someone seems to be have the trappings of authority, or because other people believe in them. Think for yourself. When you get older read my other books, The No Spin Zone, The O'Reilly Factor, and Who's Looking Out For You. Millions have benefitted from them, and so will you, trust me - you'll see how to be independent-minded, just the way I am.