bite my nails' Journal

12:12PM

i talked to my sister!! yay! i like her
she's coming to visit, with henry, in mid september and she is staying for 10 days. yay!

i went to the dentist for a regular cleaning appointment. it was rad. i love the dentist. a lot. especially since they're always so happy that i don't have tartar. the coolest part, though, is that i go to a gay dentist, and so they're used to people like me so they smile a lot. and then the hyfgenist flossed my teeth - for me. how much does that rock?!???!?!?!

4:13PM

ok... so i actually made money off of my financial aid. my fees are paid, and i have a check for $90 in my hand. well, i still have to buy books. but still. i'm pumped. that's $90 worth of books that i don't have to deal with - that i dont have to empty the feminist credit union account paying for. and imagine how happy i will be when i find more scholarships that i can get in the coming semesters- when i am in-time enough to get even more than a pell grant... and then maybe even all of my books will be covered -and i can get those jeans that i have been wanting...yeah the ones that i am soooo not allowed to go out and buy right now... honest. even though they are really cute and good and... shuttup maggie! you have dental fees and a phone bill to pay!!! my house smells like toast. but in a minute it will smell like tuna, which my mother is coking. so maybe i should get the hell out of here.

9:36PM

so i just bought about $70 worth of books that i will need for my women in amerikkkan HIStory class..... fuck, i forgot to order feminism is for everybody. i obviously was not yet done!!!! see, because even with the $20 shipping that the amazon used order involved, i still saved over $30 than if i had made all of the purchases at the sdsu bookstore. i bought one of my books for 79 cents. how cool is that?!?!!!?!??
*pauses to set alarm for 6-something in the morning* 'cause painting and all.

7:35PM

ok! so i am in love!!!!
with the professor that is going to teach my women in US history class... she's written books on really specific stuff.... linking things like hydrotherapy and the earlier feminist movement... and then she's written a couple of books about Babe Didrikson, an early female athlete.... je l'aime!
but then again, little women is on the book list - i know there must be a reason, but that book happened so long ago that i don't know what it is... i am off to look at the synopses of more of the books on Susan Cayleff's text list!

6:47PM

phew.... i have good teeth again. $200 is certainly not bad. i think i thanked my gay dentist too many times. because wow... i had really felt... not ok... with that previous situation.
i got to have novocaine, though! i love novocaine. and i did some data entry at the Center while we listened to ani and relished in the air conditioning and women buzzing in and out of the room. i can type the voter info real'fast now! click!click!! school begins sooo soon!!!!!!! yay!
and yes... i was seen at a starbucks today. well, not "seen," literally, by anyone that i care about, but i was certainly there using a free beverage coupon for this smoothie thing. it was pretty good for a free thing. and i got the last 100 or so pages of my book read, so that was a good thing. tomorrow i am going to be busy alllllll day. i am painting with fred in the morning, then going to work at Pat's for a while, and then going to a vagina meeting.... so out at 7 and back in around 9. meaning AM, then PM.\
i'm gonna go find out about text books. because i may as well try to get them before classes begin

4:14PM

does anyone know about fixing the wires in headphones?because my have been beaten and i wonder if i can just cut and tape?!?!?!? oh well. food is lame.but i made cookies. and if only i could just sleep forever. and that my body would regenerate (and i mean that word to the fullest definiton possible) and everything would be perfect when i woke up.
my body is angry. gonna go walk to the ocean or something

4:08PM

*renew*

*renew*

all i can do is begin.

my week is soooo packed. beyond any decency. i have at least 2 things planned for every day in the next week. right now i am sitting on my ass. and i should relish this.
i found my wave ring. so now my fingers aren't naked. well, my thumb. the least active, or um significant... well not really.

8:57AM

full house is on.
this week has gone by too fast.
i have no clue.

11:49PM

flying down the freeway my speedometer all the way up to the end at 80 there was this lit up semi on a ramp above me and i realized that if i had stared a second longer at the tiny lights outlining the shape of the prism back of the truck, that my car would meet the destiny that i have been expecting the entire time except this time it would be too early. and unexpected.

lately the bulk of what i do is anticipate classes beginning. it will provide me with a constant. i like having non human commitments. because good byes always scare me too much. there. because with someone leaving, there is nothing you can do but feel static and lame and non-revolutionary and predictable.
i do little things. like speed on the freeway with the window open and music so loud i can't hear the surrounding sirens
open all the curtains in my bedroom, burn incense and stretch on the floor, sneaker shoved under the door so it can't be opened
bake things that I'm not going to eat
buy candy because it gives me a buzz and coffee even though the memories are stressful. even though it's just money... trailing ... 'til it's gone.
the other day i cried when as a family we were driving by this one certain house and i remember a couple years ago numbly being across the street from it the morning after...the morning after what i thought was going t happen actually did happen at the time i was feeling it, the worst day... in tears, in preparation for a house sitting job for their neighbour. but large sunglasses and fake smiles cover red eyes and no one notices the person in the back seat who has suddenly become so quiet.
but lately i find i can get what i want with my words. vocally, that is.
i am finding that people are beyond easy to influence and this scares me because i know that i am like them.
lately i wake up early in the morning to watch stupid tv because it reminds me of the easy illusion of simplicity. one that i have worn so well before and now and maybe it's not illusion when it is part of you perhaps the illusion is the complexity. because all we really need to do is sleep, move around, eatanddrinksome, and die. people force themselves into obtaining fullness and are upset when the feeling of obtaining it is absent. i would be the last person to just sleep, move around, eatanddrinksome, and die. i really would - i probably would make death come first so that i could feel accomplished. but i have bought into the game. and here i am.typing things out so that i don't conclude my day negatively. because a lot of good things have happened. but then staring it all in the face is this major existentialist factor that i am so in truth with. realizing that my breeding has taught me different, however, i can't help but be insatiable.

9:09AM - nerd, nerd, schoolbaby nerd

i cannot wait for classes to begin. seriously.

9:51AM - so i just might call this one girl...

some people really aren't breakfast people. i think that i really am. i think breakfast makes me a better happier person. well and then you're set. just a stupid bowl of cereal and -wham!
i had the coolest dream in the world last night! oh my goodness!!! maybe it qualifies as a sex dream, but there wasn't any sex, it was plain cool! and even cooler, it took place in the back room of a video store!
and on that note! ha!
the show was really rad last night! really intense at certain parts, and i loved the directions that were taken when diffferent things went -what so many other bands would think- "wrong." i think it was perfect. plus, i am totally jealous of angel's hair. now if only threre were a non-leather, affordable, shoe equivalent of that....

know what was sorta fucked up?! i felt safer than i should have walking around the ucsd campus in the dark. maybe it was something else... just, ya know, us cunted creatures walking to our cars in tank tops and platform shoes that you can't run in... i suddenly had a rush of who gives a fuck... i've written down most everythign so far. just hopefully the words would have been left behind.

i got some really good concepts written down last night when the 3 acoustic women were performing. see, it had to do with indie revolutionaries using elements of the mainstream (e.g. mainstream, sweatshop footwear) and that in itself being a statement by... well i am going to better word and complete that later! well, basically, a joke on the coulture of mainstream. like when one of the perf's was taking about how we should kill our tv, stop corporatization etc, she was wearing addidas. now i don't see that as hypocracy. i see that as slaping the mainstream coulture (of addidas) in the face. saying "i'm making your comrade(my enemy) part of my revolution and you have no control over that" well it'll be more thoroughly put later)
and VAGINA meeting tonight at the center at 7!!
i was at the swap meet a couple days ago and there were little mini fanta cans that were magnets. that was sooo the way coolest thing ever. like, as much as the table that was selling all of the old belt buckles. they had a really ugly little hawaii one that i liked but apparently you've got to have a special type of belt.... and i don't have one ... i could maybe construct a pleather one. RIGHT NOW i want to be inside a trashy pizza retaurant in flagstaff and smell that pizza-restaurant smell. i love it!
but yeah... the fucking coolest dream in the world. ha!!! i can't get over it!!!!

8:53AM

it is so funny... how in the morning, during FullHouse and Clueless all of the commercials are career-oriented. like "you can have a better life, attend pima medical institute!!!"
i have a life!!!! i just..... like watching Clueless and Fullhouse at 8AM!!

12:15PM

hehehehehheheeeeeee

*snaps fingers*

it's like that when i ask daddy for tampon money!!!! heheheeheheeeee!

12:09PM

well the relatives left. i figured out how to kick my uncle's ass... i'm just up in his face when he asks me questions. i act extremely SURE. i act like i know my shit. so that there is no room for him to think that he can correct me, save my day, or fix me.

it was a nice visit.

i went to sleep at 12:00 last night and woke up at 3:50AM. i layed in bed with my eyes shut but not sleeping until 7:30. fuck menstrual cramps. fuck things that make me shiver and then get hot. surprisingly i am doing quite well.

we found this file cablinent and it had these stickers all over it so what i did was peel off the 20 or so stickers and clean, clean, clean it, and i'm gonna get some spray paint in a bit. i'd been looking for a file cabinent

4:15PM

seee so at pat's today, all caffeined and 5htped-hiding-the-hangover-and-fatigued up, i realized something new. maybe it was just varied repetition of the standard bulk that is in the back of my mind every time i go over there and do tasks that are...so menial to me... but mean everything to her. i mean, lately i've been hyper-appreciating things anyway.. but today sitting there and categorizing health books and magazine clippings from the sixties... and then i looked in one of her drawers and i found this autographed 8x10 of a movie star that used to get her makeup products from patricia's business and that photo was completely... loved or something. just everything all of a sudden somehow personified this PERSON that i have been working with for what is actually quite a while... i personified a human being who i frequently interact with... see just seeing that she had saved a moviestar picture because at one point status in pop coulture was relevant to her made her something besides an...element.

8:52AM

wow... so i know that i have to leave soon. in, like, a few minutes...fuck. bye!!! hellllooooooo la

10:49AM

i think i have taken this one before, and that i have even gotten this answer!!! ha!





i'm gonna go read more of that book, or something.... yeah

10:46AM

What
kind of LJer are you?

see, now when it gets to this.... a line has to be drawn.... but watch me still take the quiz anyway. hahahahahaaa

10:37AM

Take The Ewan McGregor Test!

well i guess he always was one of my non-sexual male crushes. and i sooo loved that book at, like, 13. ahhh, renton! oh baby!!

10:11PM

i am going through gum like crazy. i need to have something in my mouth that i can chew on - like, all the time. fuck it's a good thing i don't suck off males.
so as i speak rent is probably about a half hour from closing in san diego...wow...

i am beginning to feel a little bit out of control. normally my first response would be to try and hold things fast in place... but right now i am sticking to my own... i've been running and walking and chewing gum...all in somewhat significant amounts. plans are forming. yesterday i read a really good book by April Sinclair called coffee will make you black and today i am almost half- through the night listener by armistead maupin. yes... he has managed to tie it into the barbary lane series - the protagonist's secretary is the daughter of D'or's partner's affair with the grocery delivery boy. ak! thursday i am going to temecula. i wonder how people dress in temecula. i bet, like, 3 years ago, there were more kids wearing marilyn manson shirts and black wet'n'wild nailpolish in temecula living in stucco identical houses, in temecula, than anywhere else in the country. and now they all listen to linkin park and ummm!!! but that should be neat to take the coaster up to suburbia and ... chill at the starbucks or whatever they do. i got my Butchies vinyl and doria roberts CD in the mail today. this makes me happy. plus, i'm not in debt to my travel envelope anymore. which is nice. off to ummm.... ooooh!!!! i found a website with fantastic sex-positive queer female bdsm porn stories. it's waaaaay neat.