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{sunday 12 january 2003 | 12:47am}
{ mood ~ calm }

I've changed the language to spanish. =)
<exciting>

I haven't updated in awhile, mainly because i haven't really felt like it. The desire to vent and mourn and wallow and whatever else i did in here is gone; everything else feels futile and a waste of time. in addition, my confused thoughts don't feel so confused anymore, i don't feel the need to lay them out in order to understand them. i just, seem to.
i know what i'm up to, and don't really care to let other people in on it unless they have a pressing need to know, i guess.
maybe it's because of the prozac, maybe it's because i'm getting older, maybe it's because i've been applying my own cognitive therapy techniques in order to become the person i want to be. or maybe it's because i have a boy, so i feel content. or maybe it's all of the above.
i'm learning clarinet.
i'm very fond of my jack. we'll see how it goes with love i guess?
i'm seeing him in less than a week, and i'm so happy. i miss him so much.
what else.
not much. =)
been doing a lot of cleaning.
sasha's moving into the house.
i need money desperately.
i want to buy pretty underwear, because i hardly ever own pretty underwear, and i want to. =( too bad it's so darn expensive.
simple thoughts.
i'm contented enough.

1 pondering | expand me!

Waiting on a Sunday afternoon {monday 28 october 2002 | 12:27am}
{ mood ~ content }
{ music ~ Smashing Pumpkins - Disarm }

So I think I'm going to...
burn my full-CD mp3s to CDs and delete the mp3s (down to 1.5 gigs)
back up my stuff
partition my HD
install LINUX (yellow dog, 'cos i'm a newbie and it seems a good bet i guess)
that'll be intensely cool. also intensely a waste of time.
yeah. =D
*excited*
last night we baked bread, it was so awesome. Tim, Jack, and I. Started around midnight, finished preparation at about 1 (12), let it rise as we played monopoly, it was finally all baked and such at 4:30 (3:30). The dorm smelled like heaven. People came out of the woodwork, excited, "it smells like home!!" CSOs, too. Gave them bread. =) Everyone was in good spirits. I won at monopoly!! YAY!
Then the three of us stayed talking until 6:00 (5:00. okay i'll switch now), then Tim left, then Jack and I ended up talking until...6. At which point the sun was rising. So we went to go see the sunrise, walked over to the blue bridge, were enveloped by the intense pinks and oranges that reflected on the (oh oh so crystalline) lake, the red/yellow fall trees dipping into the water...SO BEAUTIFUL.
the ducks were mosying about, crows were just waking up, birds were beginning to sing...
beautiful. =)
and the bread was good too.

Veganism is now sort of over. We got dorm funds to buy groceries (cool, huh?), so I was either gonna be left out or have to make everyone buy expensive things. So. So. COOKIES! ICE CREAM! CRACKERS flavoured with CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE.
We sat and ate it tonight, SO GOOD SO GOOD god i didn't want to stop.
But then I did because my stomach was feeling sick to itself.
Umm.
Good night. =)
I need to start informally dieting again, though, for whatever gains this week has brought.
Le Sigh.

8 ponderings | expand me!

oh yeah {friday 27 september 2002 | 12:36am}
{ mood ~ content }
{ music ~ Tom Petty - Free Fallin }

i sort of haven't been in the LJ frame of mind anymore.
everything is good.
i'm getting action from erik.
i was getting emotional closeness from this other freshman dude, but that ended.
life is pretty.
classes are amazing.
my dorm is so good.
i dunno.
*click*

expand me!

{monday 26 august 2002 | 10:57am}
{ mood ~ anxious }

goin to oregon, packin up the puter.
snarf snarf.

expand me!

{sunday 25 august 2002 | 12:54am}
{ mood ~ content }

got together with nuria and jojo today.
went to jo's house and caught up, then nuria came, we all talked awhile then dropped jo off at chinese school while nuria and i drove around lincoln heights and got lunch at a place where no one spoke english...we were confused but did ok. then we picked up jo (late), drove to the glendale galleria, and jo and i got cartilage piercings. awesome.
i want to get an eyebrow piercing, and both of them want to do a tongue piercing, but none of us want to bother trying to hide stuff from parents. so cartilage piercing.

it was so good, hanging out with nuria, i hadn't seen her since winter break.
i'm so glad i have her as a friend, she's probably my best girl friend. when i'm with her we laugh so much and things are just cool.
and jo is awesome and fun and sweet, it was just really nice. =) i'm glad we were able to chill a bit.

things feel so much better now, i guess because of prozac, i mean my actions are more real now not like me playing part of friend but me as friend.

and i have awesome friends.

yeah.

and my ear HURTS (sorry for lyiiiiiing jo jo, but you had to do it!)

2 ponderings | expand me!

{saturday 24 august 2002 | 12:18am}
{ mood ~ tired }

i'm going to see nuria tomorrow, yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

*does the i'mgonnaseenuria boogie down*

and i found out that scott's concert is the same night as the stupid jewel concert. =P

anyone gonna be in portland aug. 31st interested in a jewel tic?

the point is: i'm gonna see paul mccartney! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe =D

expand me!

{monday 19 august 2002 | 09:00pm}
why did they jump?

i've been trying hard to internalize it.
what did they hear, what did they smell?
what were they thinking?
did they think it was a nightmare?
wait to wake up?

i've never seen the world trade center. i wasn't there to see the planes crash into it nor the people waving their fitted suit jackets from the top floors as the flames rose higher beneath them....
i wonder if that woman had to safety pin a part of her blouse, if that man had been annoyed with what seemed to be a rock in his shoe.
what were the thoughts?
were they noble?
why did they jump? heat, but what was the thought? burn and maybe be saved or plummet to death. what would you do?
i can't understand it. i can't feel it. i can almost, i can hear the creaking floors, the groans of the building so loud that the screams can barely be heard. i can look down and see the people and trees as specks on the ground, watching. the familiar ground, i was just on the ground, oh if only i had stayed on that ground, why aren't they DOING SOMETHING?!?! but i can't smell the smoke. i can't feel the fire. i can't know.


did the people in pennsylvania hope that they would land that plane?

who looked to god?
who prayed they would survive - and didn't?
who tried to think of a way to leave a message for loved ones...who did? what did it say?

were they crying as they saw the helicopters circling, so close, so agonizingly close, why can't they just come and let me in? screaming?

nobody heard, nobody knows, but those who were crushed.
2 ponderings | expand me!

{thursday 8 august 2002 | 02:01am}
{ mood ~ annoyed }

i asked my mom to wake me up at 9. normally when i do this i set my alarm anyway, but its on-ness stresses me out and i can't get to sleep.
but did she wake me at 9?
no.
it's 2 in the morning and i have to work tomorrow and now my sleeping schedule is messed up.
i am going to be freaking TIRED tomorrow.

2 ponderings | expand me!

:-) {tuesday 30 july 2002 | 11:17pm}
{ mood ~ anxious }

i went to the doctor today and she decided to prescribe prozac over zoloft. i'm nervous about it, but it's not habit-forming (exactly).
she also mandated that i get blood drawn once she heard that i've been having dizzy spells and am vegan.
i'm kind of glad, because i've been wondering if i've been lacking in anything, but i freak out when i have to get a shot.
i know people are like, yeah, it sucks, but i think i'm more freaked out than i should be. like last time i had to get blood drawn i started screaming and crying and trying to run away and they had to hold me and strap my arm down on the chair...i've always been really sensitive about that area in particular, that opposite-elbow, like i hate hate sitting with it exposed, like leaning with my arms behind me. it's probably because i had to have blood drawn so much as a kid, maybe? for all those ear operations? i remember waiting for what seemed like hours (i think maybe it was) in the waiting room in fear and dread for when they called my name.
hmm.
oh well.
it wouldn't be so bad if it was elsewhere, why can't they draw blood from my shoulder or something? why do they HAVE to get the veeiiinnnnighnfshgfdsjfhdjsk.
i'm ok it'll be ok. it'll all be over soon.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmmmfdskalda
not until the weekend anyway.

tomorrow, i must go work at temp agency.
it's good but having to get up at 7:00 am is a definite boo.
speaking of which i should go to bed. i doubt i'll be able to fall asleep, though.

oh, i guess i should also mentione that i talked to j today. i had to have him mail down my professional clothes, stored at his house, for work. it wasn't an exciting call or anything but i figure i should log stuff like this. i still love his voice, damn, he has such a sexy voice. i was seriously considering asking him to tell me another story but i was like, oh no wait, we're not talking still. damn.

Q--if one is gay, do you think it's as possible to have as strong platonic, caring, trusting relationships with the opposite sex? i mean it seems that there's more to just sexual orientation than...lust, you know? and every guy i've had really caring trusting relationships with, even if platonic, have been also attracted to girls. but j no. he doesn't care about me so much as want me to be there for his whims of emotion and disposable afterwards. it's ok, i'm not mad at him, i like him too much, i'm just at the realization that us as close friends can't work and that it's impossible for me to act like a casual one with him. what a horrible situation to be in.

i've just been thinking about the whole pheromone secretion thing, too. is it possible to feel sexual tension with someone who isn't attracted to your sex? i mean, i know it's possible to be attracted to someone regardless, but isn't what causes sexual tension pheromones? thus if someone were not attracted and someone was there'd be no tension.
?

1 pondering | expand me!

rotting fish {monday 29 july 2002 | 10:44pm}
{ mood ~ bitchy }

does the word "tunamelt" sound gross to anyone else? melting tuna? what the hell is that sandwich about? i was vegetarian before i ever thought about buying one of those. tunamelt wasn't big on the 10-year-old scene. it makes me think of vomit.



another day spent in bed.
i need to get together with MAX, dammit, but he doesn't seem to be around.

ms. therapist wants me to show her some personal things i've written.
i don't really want to, i think i won't. she is at this point very interested in my lack of boundary-setting in relationships. ie, low self-esteem. or whatever. it just makes me uneasy. i already know, i don't care, it's part of who i am. freedom. as long as people don't intentionally hurt me, i want them to say and do what makes them them. i think maybe i'll argue with her.

you can have trustful, open, relationships and still have boundaries set, you know.
like hell you can.

"like hell". with the fire and lava and a pitchfork is involved. or *whatever*.

go to doctor tomorrow to get her to prescribe zoloft or whatever, and ask about dizzy spells. finally.

1 pondering | expand me!

{saturday 27 july 2002 | 12:44am}
i just wrote a nice entry and my password was wrong and it disappeared.

sum: "wasteland" by dan bern is brilliant. i've been there.
1 pondering | expand me!

{wednesday 24 july 2002 | 11:39pm}
{ mood ~ dead }
{ music ~ Michael Jackson - Dirty Diana }

i'm having problems...trouble focussing and my head feels strange and i keep getting dizzy spells. that's normally not a big deal but they've gotten longer and strong so i have to grip on to whatever's nearby.
i don't know. =(
i feel shaky and like i'm coming apart.
the therapist's asked me to start coming twice a week.
sexual abuse? uuuugggh

in other news, i went to an interview at a temp agency today. they really really seemed to like me. right off the bat, they offered me a job that pays $9.00/hr, with flexible hours.
and apparently even while nervous and tired, i type 78 wpm.
=)
that makes me pleased.

1 pondering | expand me!

{tuesday 23 july 2002 | 12:44am}
i miss the funny.

i've meant to do stuff with people and things but i can't do much more than get out of bed.
sorry.
expand me!

gone and gone {wednesday 10 july 2002 | 11:07pm}
{ mood ~ depressed }
{ music ~ Dan Bern - Wasteland }

i did it. i don't want that i did it. i know he doesn't care that much. good riddance, i bet. it hurts me more than him. but in the long run it's better. i kept him from being too furiously annoyed. and me from being hurt too much. he'd started lying to me. blatantly, you know? trustful beautiful friendships don't blossom from that. only enemyships.

i should really ask ms. therapist about anti-depressants, once i get back. then maybe i wouldn't ... this. there needs to be drugs that stop emotion.

2 ponderings | expand me!

worst enemy-friend {wednesday 26 june 2002 | 12:56am}
what's similar: they started out being really sweet and quiet and self-conscious, until i got close to them, then they started being mad mad mad at me.
said they were not mad - did nagle say that? i don't remember.
side note - sammy later said, yeah, i was mad.
what's my fault: assumption of anger towards me that isn't there, which undoubtedly perpetuates anger. (is it assumption? perhaps it's just making too much of a big deal when people don't want a big deal to be made. or perhaps it's not a big deal that i make out of it, but it's understood as such.)

oh, to the people who replied to my last post: thank you! i can't reply because i can't go on the internet (this pc is old and decrepit, i have to use the client)
and noah, i've not read robert creeley, i'll try and look into it. =d
{{{{{{{{bookage}}}}}}}}}}


stuff i need to read: godel escher bach. robert creeley. that story by kurt vonnegut with the equalization of...intellect? more sartre. >=\

what i'm liking, right now: colons, apparently.
3 ponderings | expand me!

{monday 24 june 2002 | 12:56am}
my therapist has advised me to keep track of my changes in emotion and how i deal with people. not that i see people.
so since therapist:

saturday night - go out to pasadena with sammy. i genuinely enjoyed that, sammy is a very real and good friend who listens to my babblings. i brought up the fact that segun reed, i will be living in a one-bedroom apt. with someone i don't know next year. i'm fairly upset about that...sammy mentions that it sucks that jesse and ryland didn't have room for me in the house, and admits that in talking to jesse, j said that he did think living with me would be "awkward". so the signs went up, and now liz (a girl they didn't know) is going to live with them.
i'm trying to be calm and like, rational about this?
but that is such a huge slap in the face. that really hurts. like i'm supposed to be worse, me, their friend, jesse's supposed good friend, than a girl they don't even know?? and given THAT, even that were true, so bad that it's worth making me get this set up with reed?? this is such a blatant example of "friend in need is a friend indeed", and in my need jesse has proven himself not friend indeed. i don't even feel like this needs to be explained, it's pretty cruel. and what's awkward? he doesn't know how antisocial i am when i'm surrounded all the time by people i don't know, so me *talking to him too much* or something wouldn't be a problem, what does he think? like i have a crush on him and that will last all goddamn year and i'm so in love with him i couldn't put it past me to live normally? it's so ridiculous. i mentioned to him that i did want to date if he weren't so mercurial and i so emotional, but i didn't WANT to because of that, and i still don't want to, and anyway whatever infatuation there was has faded. i just have to . this shouldn't even have to be explained. i needed a place to live, my supposed friends had a room, and they fucking ignored me. regardless of what was going on, that was cold-hearted and mean. they instead chose someone they don't even know. and jesse lied to me about why. i knew it was a lie but i believed it because i didn't want to deal with it. but now i'm dealing with it.
this is really hard putting into words.
it makes me so angry so i have to ignore it and suppress it because i don't know how to deal with anger well, i don't really get angry too much so i just have to pretend that everything is O.K.
but right now i feel good with the idea of not talking to jesse ever again. i don't want to get involved with his continual assumptions that i'm trying to get into his pants, his vain (false) image of "loner" or whatever, how full of himself he can get in that...how he talks to me like he needs to be understood, and confides with music, and then the next day gets mad at me for being understanding. like he so vehemently tries to convince himself that he's this isolated guy and if ever i do something to remind him that he isn't he gets mad at me.
and things would be cool, it's just all hitting at once. how angry i am about this house thing. how it really makes me see what kind of person jesse is. i just don't want to deal with it anymore, i want to completely disassociate from him. i no longer have a desire to fix, to change myself to suit his needs or make him more comfortable, i just am so sick of it all. our friendship is not a good one. my fault and his fault, but i've been seeing therapy and trying to become a better person, and things have been better i think. even if he thought i was a little strange, that's no reason to condemn to living like i will next year (not that it's so horrible, i will have a roof). and he knows i'm trying to get less depressed, he could have at least had faith in me, how much i'm trying to change. he could have been a friend.
but maybe that would have infringed on his image.

so.

i realized how much suppressed anger there is towards jesse, i tried to hide by pretending i didn't care or didn't notice what he was doing and how he was acting. i physically want to hurt him.
i was almost in tears as i was talking to sammy, contain yerself meg. i've been crying a lot more than i did before. that's good, i think.
talking to sammy made me feel a little better though.
we walked around o-town.
talked about ourselves, relating to people. philosophy. he's a good dude.

i come to think about now the reason i orginally decided to go to therapy: because i foresaw myself becoming clingy to jesse and us fighting and stopping talking. as has happened in the past two summers with my past two males-of-the-year. i didn't want to get to the point where i became clingy. i guess i had, more mentally than physically, i hid a lot i think. but not enough and not well enough. i think i appeared just really friendly. probably not clingy, really friendly. and yet still again it's summer and i'm considering not talking to my newest non-boyfriend. different circumstances. i don't want this to ever happen, though. i want to fix randomly stopping talking to people i get close to. i figured it could change by changing me, if i could become a better person no one would ever have a desire to stop talking to me or i wouldn't have to move to stop talking to them before they could get a chance to or whatever, or to realize that that's what they'll want to do. i want things to be normal. how does one achieve normalcy? i don't know. i don't want to lose another friend, in theory. i know that. i don't want the circumstances that cause the desiring of the severance of communication to arise again. i'm too intense. i feel too much. and too frequently.

so otown. sammy and i got some boba, talked about life after death. belief in or lack of belief in. he dropped me off, stayed for a few minutes, left. i forgot to help him pay for gas.

i have more to say but i have to stop for now.
2 ponderings | expand me!

{monday 10 june 2002 | 01:26am}
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1 pondering | expand me!

{monday 10 june 2002 | 01:20am}
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expand me!

{friday 7 june 2002 | 02:32am}
{ mood ~ hungry }
{ music ~ The Turtles? Dave Clark Five? - I Think We're Alone Now? }

it's amazing how i can be feeling totally happy and fine, and then one email from j and i'm depleted.
gee.
he sure knows how to not be a gentleman.
good thing i don't have to see him.

i go to la therapist tomorrow. we'll see how that goes.

i want to DANCE!! but won't get to until maybe monday. =(
however, mebbe i'll see some of zee OG mañana, which would r0x0r my s0x0r. or wotevuh.
ms. jackson came on the radio yesterday and i was just like, gah. i miss you dudes. as a whole and as pieces.

expand me!

{tuesday 4 june 2002 | 10:24pm}

discover what candy you are @ stvlive.com


eww i hate lemonheads.
expand me!

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