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{monday 24 june 2002 | 12:56am} |
my therapist has advised me to keep track of my changes in emotion and how i deal with people. not that i see people. so since therapist:
saturday night - go out to pasadena with sammy. i genuinely enjoyed that, sammy is a very real and good friend who listens to my babblings. i brought up the fact that segun reed, i will be living in a one-bedroom apt. with someone i don't know next year. i'm fairly upset about that...sammy mentions that it sucks that jesse and ryland didn't have room for me in the house, and admits that in talking to jesse, j said that he did think living with me would be "awkward". so the signs went up, and now liz (a girl they didn't know) is going to live with them. i'm trying to be calm and like, rational about this? but that is such a huge slap in the face. that really hurts. like i'm supposed to be worse, me, their friend, jesse's supposed good friend, than a girl they don't even know?? and given THAT, even that were true, so bad that it's worth making me get this set up with reed?? this is such a blatant example of "friend in need is a friend indeed", and in my need jesse has proven himself not friend indeed. i don't even feel like this needs to be explained, it's pretty cruel. and what's awkward? he doesn't know how antisocial i am when i'm surrounded all the time by people i don't know, so me *talking to him too much* or something wouldn't be a problem, what does he think? like i have a crush on him and that will last all goddamn year and i'm so in love with him i couldn't put it past me to live normally? it's so ridiculous. i mentioned to him that i did want to date if he weren't so mercurial and i so emotional, but i didn't WANT to because of that, and i still don't want to, and anyway whatever infatuation there was has faded. i just have to . this shouldn't even have to be explained. i needed a place to live, my supposed friends had a room, and they fucking ignored me. regardless of what was going on, that was cold-hearted and mean. they instead chose someone they don't even know. and jesse lied to me about why. i knew it was a lie but i believed it because i didn't want to deal with it. but now i'm dealing with it. this is really hard putting into words. it makes me so angry so i have to ignore it and suppress it because i don't know how to deal with anger well, i don't really get angry too much so i just have to pretend that everything is O.K. but right now i feel good with the idea of not talking to jesse ever again. i don't want to get involved with his continual assumptions that i'm trying to get into his pants, his vain (false) image of "loner" or whatever, how full of himself he can get in that...how he talks to me like he needs to be understood, and confides with music, and then the next day gets mad at me for being understanding. like he so vehemently tries to convince himself that he's this isolated guy and if ever i do something to remind him that he isn't he gets mad at me. and things would be cool, it's just all hitting at once. how angry i am about this house thing. how it really makes me see what kind of person jesse is. i just don't want to deal with it anymore, i want to completely disassociate from him. i no longer have a desire to fix, to change myself to suit his needs or make him more comfortable, i just am so sick of it all. our friendship is not a good one. my fault and his fault, but i've been seeing therapy and trying to become a better person, and things have been better i think. even if he thought i was a little strange, that's no reason to condemn to living like i will next year (not that it's so horrible, i will have a roof). and he knows i'm trying to get less depressed, he could have at least had faith in me, how much i'm trying to change. he could have been a friend. but maybe that would have infringed on his image.
so.
i realized how much suppressed anger there is towards jesse, i tried to hide by pretending i didn't care or didn't notice what he was doing and how he was acting. i physically want to hurt him. i was almost in tears as i was talking to sammy, contain yerself meg. i've been crying a lot more than i did before. that's good, i think. talking to sammy made me feel a little better though. we walked around o-town. talked about ourselves, relating to people. philosophy. he's a good dude.
i come to think about now the reason i orginally decided to go to therapy: because i foresaw myself becoming clingy to jesse and us fighting and stopping talking. as has happened in the past two summers with my past two males-of-the-year. i didn't want to get to the point where i became clingy. i guess i had, more mentally than physically, i hid a lot i think. but not enough and not well enough. i think i appeared just really friendly. probably not clingy, really friendly. and yet still again it's summer and i'm considering not talking to my newest non-boyfriend. different circumstances. i don't want this to ever happen, though. i want to fix randomly stopping talking to people i get close to. i figured it could change by changing me, if i could become a better person no one would ever have a desire to stop talking to me or i wouldn't have to move to stop talking to them before they could get a chance to or whatever, or to realize that that's what they'll want to do. i want things to be normal. how does one achieve normalcy? i don't know. i don't want to lose another friend, in theory. i know that. i don't want the circumstances that cause the desiring of the severance of communication to arise again. i'm too intense. i feel too much. and too frequently.
so otown. sammy and i got some boba, talked about life after death. belief in or lack of belief in. he dropped me off, stayed for a few minutes, left. i forgot to help him pay for gas.
i have more to say but i have to stop for now.
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