May 12th, 2004
A Tarot spread I rather like. @ 06:24 am This is one I stole shamelessly from a PC game, and then altered slightly for my purposes, because I really liked it. (If you can tell me which game, I'll bake you something yummy!)
I call it the Five-Cross Spread, because, well, that's what the cards do. They make five crosses. I'm so creative. :P
( Cut for those of you who don't care about my wacky Tarot obsession. )
If anyone has heard of this spread (or one like it) elsewhere, let me know, so I can give credit where credit is due.
Fun Tarot story: After not reading for a bit, I did a reading for Kevin the other night. It was a Celtic Cross, not a Five-Cross, but the funny bit is that he made me stop halfway through. He actually wanted me to stop after the first three cards, but kept wincing, turning paler, and going, 'Okay, well... just one more card...' until he decided that I was reading things he didn't want read, I was being way too accurate, and was really creeping him out.
I'm so proud. Well, not that I creeped him out, but that I still have the knack for it, and that my deck (the Mage: the Ascension Tarot, which warns you to never, ever even think about using it for a real reading, yet is the most accurate deck I've ever used) still loves me. Heh. ^_^
May 7th, 2004
Something Positive Quiz! @ 04:04 pm
Mindscape:  angry
( yeeeheee! ) May 6th, 2004
Exercise, weaponry, fire. @ 10:06 pm
Mindscape:  content Soundscape: Lesiem - fundamentum
Someone, get me a bokken? I want something to practise with that has decent balance, not a ritual sword with a hilt that comes loose in my hand (though it didn't come off, thank the gods) and really horrible balance. Owwww, my arm. *grumbles about having to overcompensate* On the plus side, I have learned that this song *points to music selection* is a great one to do sword-work to. *lurves all over Lesiem* And I am much calmer now. I need to start up a regimen of sword-work and yoga. Maybe play with my staff more. Hey, if anyone's feeling really generous, buy me a nice fire-staff and some poi? Yes, yes, I am a greedy Ana. ^^;; For the record. @ 06:55 pm
Mindscape:  depressed Soundscape: Beborn Beton - Too Emotional
If I tell someone I don't want to hear all the details of why they dislike someone, it doesn't mean I want you to hide the nature of the problem. If you don't like a friend of mine, you can tell me in nice words that you feel they ______, and I will listen, and try to help with the problem. If you tell me you're just personally incompatible, and then I find out that it's really something far worse, I'll be less than happy. *sighs* I don't know if that makes sense. I mean, everyone has a right to rant. I have a place where I rant and say lots of mean things, with the understanding that I'm blowing off steam, and that I'll talk to people in a rational fashion about it later. But the situation I find myself in doesn't look like someone blowing off steam, it looks like someone representing a conflict to me as something it wasn't, and me only finding out later, after they'd told others something entirely different. And I don't see how substituting something 'equally true' but which is not actually the issue at hand is honesty. Even if I don't want to hear the angry ranting, if there are going to be accusations, I like knowing about that. This post is brought to you by: Drama and my initial (failed) attempts to avoid it, followed by striding boldly into the thick of it upon finding out what was going on. *sigh* This post is also brought you by: My complete inability to leave things alone. *more sighs* May 4th, 2004
The Short Version: @ 04:03 am
Mindscape:  tired
Spent a week in Bellefonte, PA. Saw megmurry and clockwork_uriel and angelari and fireincarnation and galeforce_winds again, much goodness. Met ninjanao, am worried I spent too much time hiding to actually do polite social things. *insecure* heron61 was also visiting. Events conspired to show that as much as I love heron61, us being in a romantic relationship might well be the worst idea ever. The ways we emote and deal with people are too different, for one. There are things heron61 finds totally reasonable that I am unable to grok, and vice versa. Also, I have undergone some personal changes, and the spark isn't there anymore. There is lots of mutual love, but no spark for either of us. I think both of us are secretly relieved. I didn't want to leave Bellefonte. Good people, good place, both of which coaxed me into being way more social than I normally am. (Not that this is saying much. If I can speak to someone I haven't had a many-month online friendship with prior to meeting them IRL, that's impressive for me.) It also made me angst about how social for me is antisocial for most people, and worry that everyone secretly hates me. Yeah, I'm dumb and insecure like that. If the Bellefonte people did not want me there, they would not have paid for my broke self to go up there twice. I am seriously thinking about moving to Bellefonte in a year or two. I covet the pretty house that the Bellefonte crew have. It is very like the house I've always wanted, and I think I spent too much time whining about how they somehow got My House. *is a dumbass sometimes* Lots of internal proccessing stuff going on. I am not quite the same Ana I was when I left, but this is a change that's needed to come for some time now. We shall see if it sticks. *hopes it will* I am ending way too many of my sentences with actions. I'm tired. :P April 27th, 2004
Missed flights and other annoyances. @ 09:40 am
Mindscape:  frustrated Soundscape: Airport loudspeaker announcements.
This is for the Bellefonte people, in case clockwork_uriel and angelari didn't get my mom's email. I managed to get to the airport five minutes too late to get the bag with the swords checked, so I rescheduled. I'll be coming in on Delta flight 5735 at 5:03 PM. I'm very sorry about this. :( It's been one of those... Nights? Mornings? As usual, I havdn't slept. Gragh. Hope y'all read this or get the emails in time. April 19th, 2004
Musings while cleaning. @ 12:00 am
Mindscape:  annoyed
I've finally figured out the secret to making myself clean. I must be sneaky. What I normally do: 'God, this place is a fucking mess! I can't believe I let it get like this! *stares at the mess in horror* I'll never get this done! *goes to play a game, feeling guilty for not cleaning, but too unhappy to do anything* Oh no, the mess is WORSE!' And so on. What actually works: 'You know, fuck feeling guilty. I am going to go play FF7 for a couple of hours! That'll be fun! You know... It would be easier to focus on the game if I just got some of this mess put away. Just a bit, not too much, but enough to where I feel better about playing. Yeah. Oh, that was easy... I can do a few more things before I play... Man, it'll be nice to fill that trash bag so I can take it out tonight...' And so on. The moral of this story? Guilt is evil. Happy fun is more important. Chores are there to make happy fun more fun. And it's all about perspective. Also: I try to be a good person and buy things made from recycled materials. Especially things like toilet paper and garbage bags, which won't be recycled again. SO WHY MUST THE EARTH-FRIENDLY GARBAGE BAGS SUCK??? They rip when I look at them. Is it more Earth-friendly to use two or three at a time because the bloody things keep ripping??? GAAAAAAH. What is the point of even making jumbo-size bags when the bags can't be taken anywhere once they're full because the weight of the stuff in them will cause the plastic to stretch and rip? *grrs at stupid bag-making people* April 17th, 2004
I'm so drunk right now, hee! @ 05:01 am
Mindscape:  drunk
The guy upstairs, Kevin? He's not so bad. Except that the people upstairs can't talk about sex without wanting to have the sex. And that's silly. I mean, if me talking about sex meant I had to have the sex? I'd have to fuck everyone I know. Even my parents. Say it with me now: EWWWWWWWW! I really don't get how people can't talk about it without thinking it means it's going to happen. I can't even say I'm going to go visit a bunch of lesbians, because that leads to porny thoughts, it seems. Double-ewe tee eff? Very silly. How unevolved of them. Talking about sex does not mean I want to HAVE sex. Nudity doesn't mean I want to have sex, because HELLO, NUDIST HERE! You know what means I want to have sex? It's simple. I say, 'Hey, do you want to have sex?' Or I kiss someone and drag them into bed. That works, too. But I should be allowed to say words like 'lesbians' and 'sex toys' without it being assumed that I want in someone's pants. That's fucking ridiculous. FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I may be drunk, but that still doesn't excuse me being an asshole, or other people thinking that I want sex when what I want is to sit and talk and have another drink or three. And yeah, the people upstairs are not so bad at times. At other times, they're intolerable. And I don't give third chances, so if they try and do stuff again, I will hurt one or both of them, and badly, and feel NO REMORSE, because I have said no. I think we're clear now, though. I hope so. Hanging out with them is better than living in fear of them. And even drunk off my ass, I can still say no, and back it up with hitting. I know for a fact that I am even meaner when I'm drunk, if I have a reason to be. But Kevin is getting better with the not hitting on me. And I think so is Aimee, but we haven't been around each other that much, as she's the one with the big problem with the whole no means no thing. I like Aimee, when she's not compensating for her total lack of self-esteem by throwing herself at people. That makes me worry for her, because she's actually very nice when she's not so drunk she can't walk and disregarding consent so she can feel desirable. She truly believes she is fat and horrible, when she is skinnier than I am and adorable. It is sad. Especially when she tries to have sex with me against my will. I don't like that. -break for going back upstairs and smoking cheap cigarettes and talking- Aimee and I talked for a bit, and no one tried to have sex with me. I think the thing is, I am good with Kevin, and I am good with Aimee. Both of them together equal badness. I am told that they get along when I'm not there. I just seems that when you get the three of us in a room, sparks fly, even though all I ever say is, 'No, it's okay, really.' They both seem to have something to prove, maybe to themselves, maybe to each other. Perhaps other people are a convenient stage on which to project the drama they try not to have with each other. Sad. But I am not their therapist. I need to remember this, otherwise, I will get in even more trouble. It's easy to want to fix things for people who can be very cool sometimes, when they're not utterly horrid. But that's not my job. It's their job. April 15th, 2004
An Adventure. @ 01:43 am
Mindscape:  bitchy
Earlier tonight, I noticed an overpowering smell of ammonia that I couldn't place. That was odd, I thought... My bottle of ammonia for cleaning is lemon-scented, so I knew it wasn't from in here. I though perhaps someone nearby had spilt a bottle. Then the nice fireman in the gas mask came and rang my doorbell. As I was looking for clothes, the people upstairs went down to get the door, as it appeared theirs was ringing too. A minute later, there's a pounding on my door, and Kevin is yelling at me to get the fuck out. There was an ammonia leak at the dairy on the next block. They were evacuating. I got to deal with Aimee having hysterics about how her cats were going to DIE (they were fine, I discovered upon coming home) and she had no SHOES (I offered her mine, as I'm used to going barefoot, she said no and then kept whining... *grr*) and she was standing on a streetcorner in a ROBE (oh, cry me a river, the robe was big and fluffy and she was dressed more warmly than I was... I was shivering my ass off), Kevin asking repeatedly it was terrorists (One: if it was terrorists, we'd already be dead. Two: What, a terrorist plot for clean, streak-free windows?), and all manner of other insanity. Two hours later, the fire trucks and cop cars went away, and I figured it was safe to come home. Aimee and Kevin had already left with friends, as had the rest of our panicky little group, so it was me and the old lady who lives in the apartment across the wall from me for most of that time. Thrilling, really. There's a faint smell of ammonia still, but it's not even as bad as standing near a freshly Windexed window. My head hurts and my muscles are tense and achy, and I'm currently suffering a bit of emotional backlash from the calm I assumed in reaction to the hysteria of others. Gragh. April 13th, 2004
Mheh. @ 06:20 pm
Mindscape:  amused
Doctor Unheimlich has diagnosed me with Trollopfoposis | Cause: | stress | Symptoms: | red eye, extreme fear, blinking, brittle bones | Cure: | fresh air | |
This is actually kinda fitting. Is anyone surprised? @ 06:00 pmApril 8th, 2004
Another colorbar. @ 01:45 am
Mindscape:  depressed Soundscape: Counting Crows - Angels of the Silences
I will not stand for this
Others have written about this with far more elequence than I could. ( Instead, I'll just whine. )You know, I'm not going to defend the way I chose to deal with that stuff. I did many stupid and fucked up things. But you know what? All I remember hearing was, 'Ignore it and it'll go away,' or 'It's your fault, anyway.' I've spent so many fucking years desperately seeking approval, telling myself that I don't care, running away, lashing out. And not a single thing anyone else could say about it helped. Especially not so-called authority figures. Plenty of people have had it worse than me. Plenty of people have handled it better. But it shouldn't have happened at all. It shouldn't happen to anyone. Even when you think you're ignoring it, it's a subtle but constant emotional strain. It wears you down, repeats in your head over and over. Yes, attacking the 'other' is part of human nature. Explain to me again how that makes it okay. Explain to me how you can write off case after case of people driven to suicide or lashing out at others as unfitness on their part, that if they were just mentally stable, they'd have been able to ignore it, or would have been good enough that no one would have picked on them in the first place. Poke an animal with a stick long enough, and it'll start to run from or attack anything that comes close to it. Any animal. Even us. It's the best and brightest who feel the brunt of this: the poets, the dreamers, the artists. But even those who want nothing more than to be good little cogs in the machine sometimes end up crushed between the gears. Explain to me, someone, how this is a 'rite of passage,' a 'normal part of growing up,' or 'just a phase kids go through'. Everything I've seen tells me that very few people outgrow viciousness. And far too few people outgrow the scars left by people who never learned basic respect for others. Some don't get a chance to. Running away is never a good answer, but sometimes it's the only one that seems to work. And if someone can only find escape through razor-blades or a handful of pills, maybe we should start asking what it is that they're escaping, not how wrong they are for trying. Apologies for incoherence. This was not easy for me to write, and I am very tired. April 6th, 2004
Fanfic @ 10:27 am
Mindscape:  accomplished
Finally, after much angst and staying up too late and obsessing over sentences, I have written something. Unfortunately, it's fanfic, which means that I can't try and get it published... But it's good that something prompted me back into writing. Ethan Rayne started talking in my head and wouldn't shut up until I wrote this... And yes, there will be more. It's Buffyfic. Or more specifically, Giles/Ethan fic. The first draft is over at busytrollop. If you're inclined to read it over, dissect it, offer feedback, I'd be very grateful, though please read the disclaimers before the cut tag. When I revise it, the draft will be locked, and I'll probably see about putting it up at Thorn Garden and adultfanfiction.net, and maybe a less explicit version at fanfiction.net. So please comment before I post it in its current craptastic state. March 30th, 2004
Random: @ 10:39 pm
Mindscape:  blah Soundscape: Anthony Head - Have A Little Faith In Me [live]
I slept and had a strange dream where sirintegra and angelari wrote a children's book. A very, very strange and disturbing children's book, that was either secretly a movie, or was just magical and transported me into it. Had a very nice soundtrack, too. ( Personality quizzen and that Friend Fusion meme. ) Oh, I almost forgot... @ 12:48 pm
Mindscape:  crappy Soundscape: Anthony Head - I Can't Stand The Rain [live]
I am currently sans glasses, as mine are broken. And of course I can't get my fucking contacts in. It almost never takes less than an hour for those bastardly little things to adhere to my eyeballs. They are nice to have at times, but my glasses have become so firmly a part of my identity that I wear the contacts maybe a couple of times a year. (They're not disposables, they're the kind you keep cleaning and reusing.) Of course, this means I never have a chance to get used to them. You know, the rigid gas-permeable contacts were evil and scratchy, but they at least went in easily compared to the soft floppy contacts of DOOM which love to tickle my eye and make me blink at just the wrong time, so I end up with a folded thing stuck to my eyelashes. To be fair, the rigid ones were damn near impossible to take out, but... *sigh* Also this morning: a call from AT&T; asking when I was going to pay my (severely overdue) bill. The one I paid online late last week. Because you know, those moments of abject terror when you have no idea what's going on with your bills is just so refreshing after a night of not sleeping because your sleep schedule is fucked beyond belief. (Strong painkillers and regular sleep schedules don't go together. But then, severe pain and regular sleep schedules don't, either.) And just now: Emailed invoice from narnee, reminding me that, oh yes, I need to pay her for that webhosting that I haven't paid for since October, because I'm a fucking flake like that. Those are my words, not hers. Hers were just the default invoicey thing. Really, she has been more than patient, but after having to buy an overpriced piece of crap that cost more money than I had to spare, this just hit at Precisely. The Wrong. Time. And to think, I was all excited that I might be able to get a Nice Sheet for my mattress on clearance, and maybe a book or something so that the shipping would be free. ...Forgetting about bills is bad. Forgetting about money owed to friends who are continuing to provide you with nice services and are not nagging like they have every right to is worse. I'm an idiot. Gragh. @ 12:08 pm
Mindscape:  frustrated Soundscape: Anthony Head - Are We Not Lovers
I'm typing this on a brand-spanking-new Microsoft Natural keyboard. Why? Because my old keyboard was randomly flaking out on me. The shift keys stopped working, it thought num lock was scroll lock, and sometimes I'd just get utter gibberish from it. So off I go to Office Depot, hoping for a cheap split keyboard, as regular keyboards hurt my wrists when I type on them for more than a couple of minutes. See, I prefer cheap keyboards. Why? Because soft-touch keys suck. I like the firm, decisive clicky noise they make. I like the way they feel. Soft-touch keyboards feel mushy to me. When I press a key, I want to bloody well KNOW I've pressed a key. Imagine my dismay when the only split keyboard they had was an overpriced piece of Micro$hit. However, I needed a working keyboard, so home I went with what would have been a lovely black 300 thread count fitted sheet for my mattress (yes, I have a mattress now—the Goddess of Trashpicking smiled upon me when heron61 was visting, and I found a full-sized mattress in rather good condition sitting on the curb), a new book, and a CD, save for the fact that my keyboard decided to stop cooperating with me, so I had to replace the bloody thing. *grrs* I came home and looked it over. Well, what a relief, the keys popped off easily, so I could rearrange them for my happy happy Dvorak layout (greatest keyboard layout ever, especially if, like me, you're dealing with maybe-carpal-tunnel-syndrome and your wrists like to give you hell and send shooting pains up to your elbows if they think you're not treating them well enough). Maybe I could live with a M$ keyboard... Imagine my further dismay when I found that although the keys will quite happily come off, rearranging them is impossible, since they way the keys fit into their slots changes at random. I sighed, put all the keys back in QWERTY format, got a Sharpie, and relabeled them. I am not a happy kitty. I am a tired kitty who feels sick to zir stomach, has achy shoulders, and wants to smash something. Yes. March 29th, 2004
Star Trek, porn, and geekery. @ 01:47 am
Mindscape:  geeky Soundscape: Voltaire - The Sexy Data Tango (seemed fitting...)
So I got this spam for Star Trek porn. And I decide I HAVE to look at this, but not using the links in the spam, of course. So I'm looking through the tour, and heron61 and I are talking about whether the phasers match the uniforms (in this case, a TNG uniform) and revealing what hopeless geeks we really are... [selective snipping throughout] trollopfop: Last page of the tour... Is it me, or is that not the TNG phaser? trollopfop: I think the TNG phasers were smaller dealies. trollopfop: Like wee cell phones or something. trollopfop: Not actually like guns. heron61: There were 2 sorts, cell phone sized ones and larger ones (Phaser I & II) trollopfop: Ah. heron61: I wrote the tech for the ST games heron61: To do so, I watched *way* to many eps with a notebook in hand, deeply scary heron61: The pic on the last page is not a TNG phaser II, it is possibly a movie-era (between TOS & TNG) phaser, but I don't think so trollopfop: Heh. trollopfop: We are SUCH GEEKS. heron61: I could however check in the ST encyclopedia sitting a foot away from me if you care heron61: Oh my definitely my wondrous Ana, another reason why I love you ...Oh yes. We are hopeless geeks. March 24th, 2004
My latest idea for a PR0N MASTERPIECE! @ 12:27 am
Mindscape:  naughty
So, every so often I get ideas for cheesy pr0n. Like SpaceDommes!Through IM conversations with heron61 and megmurry, with much copying and pasting to both of them, I have come up with yet another wonderful idea. I am snipping these conversations to hell and back and putting them together so they read like one conversation between all three of us, though these were two seperate conversations. Just so you know. We were originally talking about the video megmurry mentions here, and things just got weirder... ( This is really silly. I'm warning you. ) March 17th, 2004
Also... @ 09:14 pm
Mindscape:  lonely
I want a cuddle. I really want a cuddle. Darn you to heck, heron61! You have spoiled me! |