|
[20 Sep 2003|11:42pm] |
|
my tummy hurts tonight. its saturday night but i decided to come home early (at 7:30ish). there is a party, but i'm not in the mood tonight. i don't feel so good and i can hardly keep my eyes open (it was a long day) so instead i rented movies and drank too much chocolate milk. and i am thinking about him. i am going to see him soon. either monday night or early tuesday i am going to drive out there. just for a night or so. i miss him.
|
|
|
[15 Sep 2003|10:25pm] |
he moved to vegas yesterday morning. i cried. but i'm okay. actually alot better then i thought i'd be when he first told me he was going to move. yes i am sad. but okay. and okay with the fact that i'm allowed to be sad, but still get on with my life. when he first told me he was moving (a week ago) i felt... lots of things. really sad. mad. scared... sad because obviously i'm going to miss him terribly. mad cause i felt like he was leaving me here, and i partially wish i was the one going somewhere. somewhere new. getting out of here. scared because i was scared after he moved we would eventually break up because he'd be too busy for me, would forget about me...etc. i didn't sleep well for a couple of nights. i spent alot of time thinking. and after a couple days it just hit me. this is the best thing. for him. and for me. he's not happy here. he needs to make himself happy. i'm not completely happy. i'm happy in a sense but not nearly as much as i should be. not 100% independently happy. i have alot of myself still to find. alot. i realized that it is stupid of me to worry about if we are going to break up or not. if we do someday, we do. but why ruin the time being with the worry of it. if its not meant to work out forever, then its not. i should just be in the moment. enjoy what i have when i have it. i feel like him being in vegas is going to force me to grow. learn more about myself. do things on my own. things i want to do (and somethings i'm scared to do). figure out what it is i want to do. and figuring out all that will make me a stronger person. a better person. and make me learn how to be happier with myself. and hopefully he is happier out there. and we both can make ourselves happy, individually, on our own. and if we stay together it will make our relationship better, healthier, happier, stronger. and if one day we realize it won't work and that its time to go our separate ways, then i hope at least i can walk away having learned some things that make me a better person. a stronger person.
but i am sad. i miss him and he's only been gone a day. and sometimes i feel like i'm just trying to convince myself of all this whole "making me stronger" because its all i can really do. but i know, as much as i hate it, that it really is the best thing. and its reality. so there is not much i can do, besides accept it, deal with it. and then grow form it. so thats what i'm going to do.
*
i love you neil.
|
|
|
[01 Jul 2003|01:09am] |
|
tonight went to the showcase to watch lorene drive. good show. really good. they have this energy when they play. they are so full of...passion for their music. their stage presence makes anyone watching feel the music. their charisma. and they get better and better every time. it was good seeing them again. good seeing everyone. so many friends tonight. some that i haven't seen in a long time. it was like a party with all the homies, but at a show, with our favorite band playing.
tomorrow i'm off work. no plans. what will come?
~
check out http://www.lorenedrive.com listen to their songs. my baby is the webmaster.
|
|
|
[14 Jun 2003|09:15pm] |
sometimes i feel like i can't keep up with my emotions, they can be so up and down. but its not bad. i have more good than bad. just sometimes it keeps me from posting on here.
we have been having more disagreements lately. but it feels good in way. i'm trying to learn how to express my opinions more. its hard for me. i'm trying though. and even though it causes more conflict, its always good after. it starts good conversations and we are learning more about each other and getting closer each day.
~
work is good. although i called in sick today. i felt like shit though and felt like i was going to pass out every time i stood up, so i had a good excuse.
~
i wish i knew what was next. but i have time.
|
|
|
[22 May 2003|11:47pm] |
summer night air. i love it. its so calming.
working and spending alot of time with him. i want to spend every minute with him.
we got in a big fight the other day though. we don't usually fight. but we did. mean hurtful things were said. and i felt like shit after. i felt like a horrible person. but the next day he said he was sorry for all the things he said when he was angry, and i said i was sorry. and were good now. i hate fights. i have a hard time getting mad. or showing it. so sometimes i think its good for me.
|
|
|
[13 May 2003|12:16am] |
and i want a cigarette.
and the touch of his skin.
|
|
|
[12 May 2003|11:10pm] |
today was relaxing. and for the first time in a long time it was nice to relax. when i wasn't working i got to a point where i couldn't even relax, or enjoy relaxing. i found myself just waiting to do something...do anything. because thats all i did was relax. today was nice. its nice to enjoy my day off. and not feel like i'm gonna go crazy.
today:
i went to ballet. i'm not much of a dancer (esp a ballerina) and feel extremely silly most of the time, and the leotards and tights don't help much. but for some reason i enjoy it. maybe its because i don't know anyone else in the class. its just something i do. and no one else that i know. i don't know.
i went to yoga. something i wish i did every day. i feel so good in that yoga studio. i don't think of anything else. except being there in that moment. and afterwards i feel...i can't find the right word to express how it makes me feel. but i know its good.
i went to dinner with my mom, dad and sister. it was nice. its been awhile since we have all been able to do that together. i smiled alot today.
i also missed him today. but i heard his voice, and that made me happy.
|
|
|
[09 May 2003|11:40pm] |
today i lazed around until 5, when i had work. work is crazy. but i love it. (eventhough sometimes i hate it) i mostly love it.
tonight i have 80's hair.
tomorrow campus invasion. the used. breakdance vietnam. finch. the vandals. and so on.
and now i will try to sleep while i think of him.
|
|
| space |
[02 May 2003|11:15pm] |
i feel alive again. i've been really...good. and i'm almost scared to say that because i don't want to disrupt it. its silly. stupid even. but i can't help it. cause sometimes it seems to good to be true.
i'm working. and it feels so good to make money. have a little income. work for my money. earn it. i like my job. its not the best job, min wage, waiting tables. but i like the people i work with, and i'm just happy to be working again. there is nothing like not having a job to make you realize how nice it is to have one.
i found the best yoga studio. they have 4 different yogas, pilates, and ass class. i go almost every day. and when i'm there, i don't think of anything outside of that room. and afterwards i feel so good (sore as hell, but good) its a...lifesaver. it is.
and him. i am so in love with him. and he has been so amazing. i couldn't ask for anything more. lately he makes my eyes fill up with tears by just looking at me, because i can see all the love in his eyes. and its the best feeling i've ever had. he takes my breath away.
~
today my dad told me if he is a match he is going to donate one of his kidney's to his sister who badly needs one. my stomach dropped when he told me. i don't know what to think. i partially want to say no you can't. just because its a scary thing, thinking about the risks. but mostly, it just reminds me what a good person my dad is. and how lucky i am to have someone as generous as he is in my life.
|
|
|
[17 Mar 2003|09:00pm] |
today i felt horrible all day. my body is so weak. i have no energy. my heartbeat is feels as if its making my whole body shake. and my neck is so tense i have a headache. sometimes its hard for me to tell if its a mental feeling of sickness, or if i am actually catching something. they feel so similar. i think i'm fighting something, but i'm sure being out of sorts mentally doesn't help.
i just wish i could sleep in his arms. that would be so comforting. but i can't. i don't think i will sleep well tonight, if at all.
|
|
|
[01 Mar 2003|09:18pm] |
|
i wish i could take him and run away together.
|
|
|
[28 Feb 2003|04:20pm] |
|
lately time feels like its barely moving. i need a job. i've been looking, i hate looking. if things work out the way i want them to, soon i'll be selling furniture i paint, and possibly purses i make. i'd like to find a few different farmers markets where i can rent space at (maybe in a different city each day of the week). but i need a little income to buy supplies first, to get started. so i hope one of the places that i've applied at calls me back. until then i just need to keep filling out those god-awful applications.
|
|
|
[09 Feb 2003|02:22am] |
|
and today was good. for simple reasons. its two twenty-two in the morning, and i feel good. i can breathe. i can smile.
|
|
| attention rhymi or anyone that can get ahold of her! |
[02 Jan 2003|01:27pm] |
Rhymi, or anyone who knows how to get ahold of her... i am leaving for seattle tonight and will be there about a week or so and i hear that you are possibly living there. if so i would *love* to see you. so. email me resisk@yahoo.com and let me know how i can get ahold of you. phone # etc....
love,
-royanne
|
|
|
[02 Jan 2003|01:14pm] |
too many days have gone by and now it would take too many words to write down everything that has changed and gone on since my last post. so briefly... i am good. i am in sebastopol at the stuffelbeams. i've been here since the day after christmas and i leave tonight. tonight i get on the train and ride it for 24 hours before i arrive in seattle where i will be for another week. i am gathering myself. i'm not as much of a mess as i was a few weeks ago. i'm still a little lost, but each day it gets better. school starts a couple days after i get home (although i haven't registered yet) so i'll be busy again. doing something worthwhile. and i've got some idea's growing in my head. some ideas of what i want to do this year...they are still developing, but its a start.
i miss him a great deal. (we are together again, but not living together) i haven't been away from him for this long since we first got together. i miss him and knowing that i still have over a week before i see him sometimes feels like forever..but at the same time. its good. its nice to learn how to be away from him. because for awhile i forgot how to be...just me. i'm remembering slowly. and it feels good. but i do miss him and can't wait to be back.s
|
|
|
[13 Dec 2002|12:04pm] |
maybe i spoke too soon. today i am a mess. my mind is tangled over so many thoughts. i can't get anything clear, so i just cry too many tears. i can't focus. i keep asking myself why. why this. why now. why. why. i know the answers. but it still runs through my head over and over again. maybe i am foolishly looking for an answer that is easier to face. because rejection is hard to swallow.
i wish he'd cry about it. show some sign that he still cares for me (even though it is his choice to go his own way. to chase his dreams, which isn't me now) i wish i knew that he would miss me. sometimes at least. maybe if i were in his shoes i would understand better.
|
|
|
[12 Dec 2002|11:35pm] |
now i have somewhat of a game plan. not much, but something. enough to make me feel like i have somewhat of a vauge idea of what i am going to be doing. some direction to look towards. but not too much. i'm still gathering myself.
so far i think i will be going up to the sebastopol area a couple/few days after christmas. (my daddy said he'll drive me, since he has a car to pick up there) i'll stay there for new years, leave sometime around 2nd-4th. take either the train or plane up to seattle and say there until the 9th-10thish. and then start school on the 13th. if i can get into the classes i want i will be taking photo 52 (portfolio), english 1a, ballet, and possibly jazz. and if i'm lucky maybe i'll be working in the photo lab. so things are getting better slowly and i still have a long ways to go, but i feel like i'm making progress on picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. stronger.
i had a good day/evening. played some pool with lynette and rena. went to jasmines. enjoyed myself. but driving home is sometimes hard. its hard (harder than i would have thought) to go from being in my first apartment to living at my parents with no room, no privacy. hard. its hard to fill the hours of the day.
and tonight i just miss him. and it hit me hard. i wanted him to tell me its going to be okay. and i wanted a hug. there is no other comfort that is like his (sometimes i wish that wasn't the case) when he tells me i'll be okay, i believe him. because i know he's been where i am at in ways. he helped me feel like i could get off all those meds. (i never said thank you. i hope he knows i'm greatful) and at times i just want reassurance, because i don't really get it from anyone else. and i don't want to fall down again.
|
|
|
[09 Dec 2002|01:30pm] |
breathe. eat. sleep. think. function. function. function. every day things suddenly take so much energy, and almost (but arn't) feel impossible. i feel a thousand pounds heavier. but all i can do is force myself to keep on going. force myself to get out of bed in the morning. force myself to eat a few bites here and there. to inhale and exhale. and force myself to know that it will get better. that I will get better. stronger. i have to grow stronger. but it will take time. i have plenty of that.
i am trying to look at the positive. (its hard. and sometimes i fail. but i will keep trying) and now i have no ties. i have no job. i don't even have a bedroom. so i might as well take advantage of that. maybe a trip up to seattle. stopping in sonoma, san francisco, portland. that would be good. i need to see more of what is out there in this world.
but for right now. one day at a time. or one hour. one minute at a time. like he said, one step at a time. (sometimes i hate that he is right about so much). i can't do it any other way. if i think too much about what i'm going to do with myself i'll give myself un-necessary anxiety. not what i need. baby steps.
*
i'm in samara's graphics class in oceanside. i don't know how long i am going to stay here. i can't think that far ahead. i'm trying to keep my mind busy, running errands with her, sitting in on her classes. its hard. but i am better than i was yesterday. very little, but at least its something.
he told me to write. to keep writing. because i'm good at it. but its hard to want to believe anything he says anymore. i want to fight it all, but at the same time i don't. i'm fighting myself
|
|
|
[08 Dec 2002|12:03pm] |
right now friends is all i have. and i am scared to death that i'm going to lose contact with alot of people because of the situation.
*gretch, kim, nate- please know how much your words mean to me. the world.
|
|
|
[08 Dec 2002|11:50am] |
|
my life is feels upside down and back wards. everything i was use to has now slipped out from under me. my first apartment. him. my job. it wasn't the best place to live, it was old, cheap, tiny and in the ghetto. but i'm going to miss it. now i'm back in lucerne, and i feel like i've moved back wards, and its hard to get use to. i'm in between right now. all my stuff is in victorville, and i'm here. i'm torn between so many things. i want to get my stuff, so i feel more like i belong, but i have no bedroom to put it in, so what would be the use. i also don't want to strip the apartment of all my stuff because i want him to still be comfortable. i worry too much. i wish i could make sure that he eats enough. that he takes care of himself. (even though i'm having a hell of a time eating more than a few bites) but i have to learn how to let go of that. i have to let him move on with his life. i have to move on with my life. its a struggle. it is.
|
|