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this is the subject I have chosen. for you, the reader. [09 Jun 2004|12:20am]
[This is a translated version of my drunken post a while back. Just seemed like something fun to do]

Gonna try a little experiment here. Right now, we're looking at me typing with one smirnoff ice tripple black and half a screwdriver. The girls are playing ddr off to my left. Me, I'm just gonna sit here and keep drinking, and we'll see what I type for your amusement. Now, off to drink more.

========

Okay, so we're a couple more down the line. Mike won't fucking talk to me. Bastard. The last one was pretty strong because Mia poured more into it. Things are kind of slowing down now. I have to drink more, I'm starting to get more lucid.

=-0===0==

Mike's talking! Hahaha!

He's going to go to Redford to see Cory, whose mom works at the airport I remember.

Vodka.

======-=

So I just called Scott's dad. I don't think he was too pisesd off. He sounded like a pretty cool guy. He's called Jean. Or maybe Gene. I don't know. Um.. no one's answering their phones!!! Pick up goddammit. I think I'm gonna be done soon.

========

I don't kremember the times, that's why I haven't mentioned it in here what time it is. Sorry.

------=====

They just keep dancing and (dancing? I'm really not sure about this one)
I think I have to get up early tomorrow
What are we going to do?
Where are you?

\\\

Mia just got sick. I shouldn't have gotten her into this. I still have to drink though... can't let it wear off. Done enough damage tonight. Press the button to make you see it, even though it's kind of stupid and I know I'll be embarrassed. Oh god, what have I done? (I think the e's at this point are just me leaving my finger on the key after typing 'done') Haha. Press the button.
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brooth? [08 Jun 2004|10:06pm]
I feel like I'm neglecting somthing or someone by not writing in here much. And I think I really should. I'm not sure if I'm avoiding it or if I just honestly don't feel like it... I can be quite deceptive, even to myself. Something I've been trying really hard to do for the past month or so is to keep myself distracted from my current troubles, and try to focus on regaining some sense of my past self. Or focus on nothing at all, another thing I've become quite adept at.

Work doesn't bother me nearly as much now... I think I've accepted (or settled for) the fact that I simply will have to work long hours and not be appreciated by anyone but the occassional resident. The key is to not involve yourself emotionally in your work... something made a little more difficult when dealing with the last days of someone's life, but no less neccessary.

There's one resident in particular on my mind a lot though. Mr. Clark is someone I've cared for almost exclusively (with the exception of my friend Dan, who no longer works there). A lot of people just see him as a mean old man, just because he doesn't want to waste what time he has left being polite rather than honest. Getting to know him though... it's just hard watching him go through all this pain. He was around my age when he was a prisoner of war in WW2. He's seen and experienced horrible things, and sometimes he has trouble shutting out the memories. Dan once asked him if we could record some of his stories, but he said he wouldn't willingly contribute to those evils being spread in any way. Now he spends all his days and nights alone, and in pain. The only visitors he gets are me bringing his food, or his son, to steal his money. One of our employees was caught stealing from him as well. It was only due to Mr. Clark's request that he wasn't fired, but he doesn't care. I just wish he could be honored in some way, I think.

I feel that I've gone in the wrong direction with the website, hence the total lack of work on it. It will find its way though. It's just not the top priority at the moment.

Food is.
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tsiha is the sx ubmjectg i have chosean. for you ,asdhte reader [23 May 2004|02:35am]
Gonna try a little experiment here. Right now, we're looking at me typing with one smirnoff ice tripple black and half a screwdriver. The girls are playing ddr off to my left. Me, I'm just gonna sit here and keep drinking, and we'll see what I type for your amusement. Now, off to drink more.

========

Oka so wehre' a couple more down the laine. Midke onew't foucking talk to me. Bastard. The last one was pretty strong becasle mia poured more into it. Things. are kind of slowing down lknow. I have to drink more, I'm starting lto get mores .jllucid.

=-0===0==

Midkes' talkingaq!!! HAhahaz.s

He's goaning to go tor redadford and see cory awhois mom wokred at the arirport I remembers.

vOdka.

======-=

So aI jaxust caleld scoatts adad. I don't sthink Ihhe was too pisesd off. He sounded liek a a pretty acool acgy s. He's tacalled jean. or maybe da gende. I don't asjlknow. Um.. no onesansswding theyir fophones!!! Picks up goddamit. I thiknas JIJ'm jgonne a be done sone.

========

I don't kremember the ditm4es, that's why I ahven't mentioned it in hera wahty tyime It is. Soray.,

------=====

TEacy just kceep gdancing and acnineing
I thinks I have to get aup[ aarly tomorrwa.
watha sr ewe going t aodo.?
wher are ayhou?

\\\

Mia just gaot sickas. I shouldxn't ahved gotdn iher ihnth ao theis. Isti ll. ahve to drink sthoughs.. can'tr slet it wadr of. DOne s evnough damagesa. dtonighh. Prsee tehsa butson.s tosa mankhe ayou sea it eneavn thgouh its ascakind ofaostupids and i nknwoahill ber amenabreased. oh gdoawahat havae i done.eeeeeeeeee hahaaaasd;ohpres hte butson.
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er... [16 May 2004|10:38pm]
I think I have reached the pinnacle of apathy. At least I hope so... if it gets worse than this, we're all in trouble. I just don't do anything anymore. Wake up, go to work, come home, veg out til I fall asleep, repeat. The process has gotten more complicated lately though, since my car refuses to work. Hell, I've barely been online the past week. I really want to work on the webpage, but I don't really know where I want to start, and I never feel like I have the time I would need to do what I want to do.

Health problems keep cropping up as well. Was really sick for a while there, and I vow never to eat questionable dip again. Today, I woke up feeling like the base of my spine had been replaced by a knife. Seems I also scratched my face up while I was sleeping. I dunno, I'm a funny guy.

There was a point I was going to make in this post... I know it. Ah well, maybe it'll come to me later. Keep on keepin' on, folks.
5 comments|post comment

I will never learn [03 May 2004|08:55pm]
For the past few days, I've been working on a bit of a secret. It's yet another web page, eerily similar to the last one. I'm really committed to making this one get successful and stay there though. We'll see how it goes. Do me a favor and drop by. Feel free to sign up at the forums, and by all means tell your friends if you think it's something that could interest them.

MentalEclipse.com
2 comments|post comment

YOU MUST OBEY [01 May 2004|01:52am]
1.Go into your LJ archives.
2.Find your 23rd post (or closest to).
3.Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4.Post the text of the sentence in your LJ along with these instructions

"must...have...more.....slee - zzzZZzZZZzZzZzzzz!!!"

Deep thoughts.
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suffer the survey! [19 Apr 2004|07:18pm]
1. What time is it?
3:33pm

2. Name that appears on your birth certificate:
Joshua Stephen Holloway

3. Nickname:
Squash, Furious George... probably some others, equally bad

4. Parents Names:
Stephen, Beverly

5. Siblings:
Two half brothers from my mother, one half brother from my father, two stepsisters and a stepbrother

6. Number of candles that will appear on your next birthday cake:
23

6. Date that you will blow them out:
December 21st, 2004

7. Pets:
not allowed

8. Eye Color:
dark brown

9. Hair Color:
again, dark brown

10. Tattoos:
I was supposed to get a design on my back for valentine's day, but things happen

11. How much do you love your job?
I punched a dumpster today.

12. Favorite Color:
Grey, I guess

13. Hometown:
Never had one of those

14. Current residence:
Lansing, MI

15. Favorite food:
I invented a sandwich yesterday that was pretty good. I spiced up a bun with some things, melted pepperjack cheese on it, added some roast beef, and beer-battered onion rings. I then made a dipping sauce for it that was just perfect.

16. Been to Africa:
Not lately.

17. Been toilet papering:
But of course.

18. Loved somebody so much it made you cry:
Yes.

19. Ever been in a car accident:
Yeah, I guess so.

20. Croutons or bacon bits:
Love em both.

21. Sprite or 7up?
Don't really care for either one.

22. Favorite movie:
I simply have no clue.

23. Favorite day of the week:
The day off, if it ever comes.

24. Favorite word or phrase or action:
"The damn I have," "The damn I will," "Damn yeah," etc...

25. Favorite toothpaste:
The kind in the bathroom.

26. Favorite restaurants:
Fuck. Arby's.

27. Favorite Song:
Again, I have no damn clue. (After returning from work - I do seem to be hooked on "45" by Shinedown. They were great live)

28. Favorite pop:
Meh, anything'll do. But I do enjoy some flavors of Jones Soda!

29. Favorite sport to watch:
Swatball. It's a work thing.

30. Preferred type of ice cream:
Chocolate. Nothing fancy here.

31. Favorite Sesame Street Character:
Oscar the Grouch.

32. Disney or Warner Bros:
WB, if those are my only choices

33. Favorite Fast Food Restaurant:
Um, Arby's?

34. When was your last hospital visit:
Really can't remember when it was

35. What color is your bedroom carpet:
Light brown, like the rest of the apartment

36. How many times did you fail your driver's test:
Didn't

37. Who is the last person you got e-mail from:
Stacey, and ironically, it was still a useless junk email

38. Have you ever been convicted of a crime:
Never convicted, unless you count "no contest" to speeding

39. What store would you choose to max out your credit card:
Uh, I dunno... someplace with a variety of things I suppose

40. What do you do most often when you are bored:
Continue being bored

41. Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away:
A couple months out of the year, Steve. Other than that, Alex or Nadia... I guess we'll call it a tie, unless you guys wanna break out the mapquest.com and settle it out

42. Most annoying thing people ask me:
Anything at all, really.

43. Bedtime:
Usually ends up being around 2:00

44. Who will respond the quickest:
The winner.

45. Who is the person that is least likely to respond:
The loser.

46. Favorite all time TV show:
Aqua Teen Hunger Force!

47. Last person you went out to dinner with:
That would be Mya.

48. Last movie you saw:
In a theatre, Taking Lives. At home, Gothika (horrible!).

49. Last book you read:
The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection From The Living Dead, by Max Brooks

50. Dream Car:
One that flies? No? Skyline then. Close enough.

51. Time when you finished:
7:15 (had to go to work before I finished)
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goodbye, goodbye, goodbye [15 Apr 2004|09:26pm]
As I walked into work today, there was an unusual sense of activity. My boss seemed to be writing out a new schedule. There was a napkin folded up and stuffed into one of the slots on my locker. I opened it up, and this was written:

Why do we force ourselves to stay in places we are uncomfortable in? For which great reasons do we remain in positions that make us unhappy? Is taking a risk by leaving the place you hate really wrong? Those great reasons... money, reputation, future opportunities in some cases. Do these reasons matter when you're dying? Are they great enough that you let them bend you in half? Was that your original intention... in the original gameplan? Prosperity was. Prosperity in many ways: financial stability, quality of life, health. Prosperity is much more important. The risks are worth taking. The risks must be taken. Opportunities must be seized. On great and glorious days, the great and glorious risks are taken. I have climbed the highest mountain. I have scaled these city walls. And I still haven't found what I'm looking for. This is the day the risk must be taken. This is the day to live the dream. On this day, it starts. This day is it.

Then, hidden on the inside fold of the napkin, is this:

Don't take any guff from these fucking swine. Remember if you run into any trouble, you can always send a telegraph to the right people.

My friend Dan quit today. He just couldn't take it anymore. You might not understand why, but perhaps now you can see that simply being in that place can completely break a person. It's sad to see him go, but good to know he's gone.
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strife and me [15 Apr 2004|02:28pm]
[ music | Andrew WK - We Want Fun ]

So I've been doing a little thinking lately. I've decided that I'm way too serious for my own damn good. When it comes to casual conversations with people and such, I have a sense of humor, and I feel good in general. But when I get a moment to think, I go all serious and pessimistic. I just don't feel like a person I would like to be around.

It feels like I should sorta stop caring to a degree. I worry too much about things. Just fuck it, you know? Sit back and enjoy life. Things can't be that bad. And tonight I'll go to work and be surrounded by people complaining about stupid things, but I've gotta ignore it. Laid-back perseverence, that's my ticket.

I want to be positive about things again. Fuck, I want to be me. I'm so busy being pissed off all day, that by the time I get home and want to express it somehow, I'm just not in the mood to. I want to be able to write things out. God, I miss writing. I sit here and look back on some of the crap I wrote in here in the past years, and I can't believe how well I was able to arrange my thoughts. I feel like everything's all balled up in my head these days, but I think with some work, I'll be able to sort it all out. Maybe tug one end of the string and the whole thing will come unravelled, I don't know. But I have to try something.

Oh, and I'm thinking about putting together some kind of elaborate prank to punish the noisy fuck that lives above me. He's always stomping around and slamming doors and shit. If you have any ideas, let me know. I have a couple options. I could toss something from my balcony up onto his (don't know what yet... how do skunks respond to tossing?), put something just outside his door, or as a last resort, go straight through the ceiling and into the den of evil itself. Crunch those numbers, kiddies!

3 comments|post comment

Le Elp! [02 Apr 2004|02:49pm]
[ music | Finger Eleven / Drag You Down ]

I have an incredibly vain yet equally desperate favor to ask you all. Any of you who've known me for a few years, is there any chance you have any of the poetry I've written? All I have left are "Ode" and the "Essais" series, neither of which I care for very much. It was all on my computer back in WV when it died, and then my only other backup was what was on the server back home, but now my stuff there is gone as well.

If you have anything, please let me know. I'm writing it all out on paper now, which I'm kicking myself for not doing before. Thanks in advance.

1 comment|post comment

earning a death [30 Mar 2004|08:17pm]
[ music | blah blah blah ]

This entry has been a long time coming. For a little over a year now, I've worked at Delta Retirement Center with Mya. See, that's how I moved up here. As I recall, I never really explained that clearly here. Perhaps I did. Oh well. They needed to hire another server, and someone over 21 would be useful for them for some semi-legal reasons, so Mya suggested me. I was informed that the job was mine, and I'd even be moved up to cooking soon after I got here.

Well, it's been a year. The closest I've come to cooking is mixing up ranch salad dressing. That's not so bad though. I don't mind just serving and doing salads on the weekends. It's the lack of respect. Kitchen workers are treated like shit all around. We're expected to do nearly everything, and receive no recognition for it. As if it's not bad enough that you've got caregivers and management looking down on you, the lunch and dinner crews nearly hate one another. A select few of us are on both crews, so we're just never quite satisfied.

Personally, I just feel like I deserve a lot more. Not just money. Although it really would help. There are two shifts per day. I get three shifts off per week, on average. Lately, I've been really blessed, and have gotten two full days off each week. This week, I've lost both of my days off because people have called in sick, and I've been needed. This isn't so bad, but it can get horrible after a while. See, I've been there every day since last Wednesday. I'm working through to Sunday this week. I think I might not have a day off next week either. I once worked 37 days in a row because of this. I was never rewarded or apologized to in any way. I did get "employee of the month" in January, a few months after a girl who volunteers a couple afternoons a month got it. Seriously. Ever see that Simpsons episode about the inanimate carbon rod?

A good friend of mine who works there is quitting soon. He's one of the very few people there that I can regularly relate to, so it's kind of sad to see him go. But at the same time, I have to admit, I'm happy for him. Happy, and envious. Anyway, he makes his own wine, so sometime in the near future, he and I are going to drink ourselves into a stupor to celebrate his freedom. It's gonna be great.

I hate to write something just to complain, but I had to get some of that out. Now American Idol is on, so I'm going to stop writing before my rage builds even more. Ta.

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Shabazz!! [23 Mar 2004|07:29pm]
First, I'd like to thank all of you who haven't removed me from your friends lists in my absence. Actually, I don't think anyone at all assumed I was dead and got rid of me. Congratulations.

Yes, my exodus has ended. After one long year, I once again have regular internet access. I got a good cable hookup for my apartment, and now I'm set. So, I'll be around very regularly now.

This won't be a normal entry, I'm afraid. After a year of not really doing this, it's hard to know where to begin. Probably after a while of talking to people again, and gathering my thoughts, I'll have more than enough to say.

Until then, talk to me on IM, email me, whatever. I'm back.
5 comments|post comment

repeat [12 Oct 2003|08:56pm]
Once again, an "I'm alive, I promise I'll try to be back for good soon" post.

I'm alive. I'll try to be back for good soon.

I haven't had much spare time lately. This is my first bit online for a couple months, I think. Still working at the retirement center, still living in my apartment in Lansing with Mya. Really, not much new to speak of. If any of you would like to contact me or something, please email me at hollowjosh@fastmail.fm and if you wanna call or something, I'll give you my cell number. I'd love to get something other than junk mail when I check it next time, whenever that is.

Anyway, I'm done writing.
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R.I.P. [17 Jul 2003|09:53pm]
Moby died. It still rots in front of my apartment, waiting for these people to come take it away and give me money. Gonna take the stereo back out of it first though, and let Mya's dad take some parts he wants. I bought an Alero yesterday. I like it. That makes one of us. Nah, it's really just a good deal for the money, and we needed something quick. We'll get something nice next time, when we can at least prepare for it. The only thing about it now though, is that it looks stolen. I'm waiting for the plate to come in, and the tint on the windows is so dark, you can't see the temporary at all. It's a really neat green color, so one of my bosses at work suggested that I name it Lucky. Good enough for now.

This may set back plans for getting an internet hookup a bit. Sorry. But feel free to send money if you feel like it :)

Bye bye. Vroom.
1 comment|post comment

mooooaaarrrnnn [09 Jul 2003|08:58pm]
[ music | "a-weem-o-whack.." hehe ]

Zombie Josh is back. Sorry I haven't written in so long. I assure you I haven't read any of your entries either. I've really been quite busy. Mostly working and stuff. Although last night I went to see Shinedown, Seether, and Our Lady Peace. Then Three Doors Down came on, but we weren't really in a mood for that, and walked across the river (I can walk on water!) to listen to the Allman Brothers for a bit before going home. 'Twas a good night.

Um, I really can't think of much else to write. Oh, a cool thing I noticed last night. When the lead singer for Our Lady Peace came out, it started raining. Let's see who gets that...

Well, the damn computer disconnected on me, so let's think of what to write while it reconnects... um, my car is dying! Quite exciting... Um... Well, it connected again, so that's over.

Okay, I'll stop now. Hope you're all doing well. Seems like there's something else I wanted to say, but oh well. We'll save that for next month. Bye bye bird.

3 comments|post comment

[15 Apr 2003|09:04pm]
I'm not dead. So stop trying to take my stuff.

Seriously though, all moved into my new apartment, and everything's going pretty well. Been working as a server/cook at a retirement home for a couple months now as well.

Hmm... not so big with the words anymore either, I guess. So yeah. Have a good day or month or whatever.

(I'll be getting a landline in my apartment soon, and then Mya's computer and internet service will follow. So I'm not gone forever.)
8 comments|post comment

supplies! [28 Feb 2003|04:05pm]
*points at updated location in user info*

*poof!*
8 comments|post comment

so much death [25 Feb 2003|11:15am]
R.I.P.
Bob The Snowman
February 16, 2003 - February 24, 2003


Bob was a well-loved and respected member of the community until his head tragically rolled backwards off his shoulders sometime last night. It is currently unknown whether he passed on from natural causes or if foul play was involved. Local forensic investigator, Hunter, noted that while Bob's eyes were resting in his trademark yellow hard-hat, his tasty, yet nutritious nose was nowhere to be seen. Authorities are confident that if someone is responsible, they will be swiftly brought to justice. The local deer population and The Sun were cited as possible suspects.
11 comments|post comment

remobification [10 Feb 2003|09:38am]
Moby strikes again. I was driving along, up I-79, on a peaceful little mission to find something for Mya's v-day present. It was a happy day, listening to music, whistling along to myself as I drove. And then there was a loud snapping noise. At least it seemed loud at the time I heard it. Immediately after that, however, it seemed relatively quiet in retrospect. Because the whole exhaust system fell out of my car.

I had never heard such noise. It was so loud that I couldn't actually say what it sounded like, just that I felt a loudness. I couldn't really hear anything at all. I could feel random popping from below my seat, which unsettled me. So I stopped at a few places til I found someone who did exhaust work. It was remarkably easy getting around, since everyone within a mile could hear the terrible roar of my car, and did whatever they could to avoid it.

As I sat in the office of the place fixing my car, the mechanic walked out with my keys to move Moby into the garage. I plugged my ears, and heard a muffled noise as he started the beast. The woman at the desk cringed a bit, and said something to the tune of "It's really not too bad... I've heard worse" All I could do to warn her was shake my head. That's when he put it in reverse and touched the gas pedal. The windows of the office rattled, as everyone jumped and went pale, fearing Jesus had emerged from the nearby Eat'n Park, unhappy with the surly waitresses and unsanitary conditions, and ready to judge us all.

Seriously though, what I'm trying to say is this shit was loud. Quiet as a kitten now, but I could've done without the bill. How was your weekend?
17 comments|post comment

Look! Samurai Lincoln!! [03 Feb 2003|08:41am]
Totally hijacked this survey from Steve.

[1] your name backwards: hsoj
[2] where do you live: Glenville, WV unfortunately
[3] describe yourself in 4 words: Tired, different, idealistic, content
[4] who is your worst enemy: Hard to say. For now, we'll go with those accursed mole people.
[5] if you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be: I want a cat. But ANY animal... a tiger!
[6] what is the latest you've ever stayed out: I dunno... til sometime the next day, well, actually a week if you count this one time, but I don't.
[7] ever been to Belgium: Nuh uh.
[8] what's your favorite coin: People have favorite coins? I guess the incredibly valuable one that I find in the couch cushions tonight?

describe your...
[9] wallet: Black leather... with some kind of symbol in one corner.
[10] brush: I'm sure I have one somewhere.
[11] toothbrush: It's really cool. It's got this rubber things on the side... you just have to see it yourself.
[12] jewelry worn daily: My ring, that's it.
[13] pillow cover: For some reason, I can't remember. I think it's green and stripey.
[14] blanket: Boy, do I have blankets. I've got a nice blue electric one, a big green comforter on top of that, which I sleep on top of, then my favorite one goes over me, which is a red fuzzy one from Mya. I also have one that Mom got me for Christmas that is on my chair.
[15] coffee cup: Nope.
[16] sunglasses: They're in the car... and uh, they keep the sun out of my eyes.
[17] underwear: Boxers... for now.
[18] shoes: I really can't keep up with them anymore. I've got these brown Columbia ones I wear a lot, and some black ones, and some slippers, and some dress shoes, and some boots, and some sandals. I think that's it... maybe?
[19] handbag: Ewww.
[20] favorite top: Either fuzzy sweaters or anything with a hood.
[21] favorite pants: The new jeans I got, I think.
[23] CD in stereo right now: Mr. Oizo - Analog Worms Attack
[24] wearing: Grey pants, white polo shirt, leather jacket.
[25] hair: I'm wearing a hat right now, but it's usually brown and messy. Oh, and all over me.

what/who [is/are]...
[26] in my mouth: A pen...
[27] in my head: Nothing... surprise.
[28] wishing: That everything works out as well as I know it can.
[29] after this: Gonna keep sitting here, work some on Mya's present.
[30] talking to: Myself.
[31] eating: Nothing. I'm hungry. :(
[32] do you like candles: Yeah, especially the ones I've got right now.
[33] do you like hot wax: Steve had the perfect answer here, dammit. But yeah.
[34] do you like incense: Yeah!
[35] do you like the taste of blood: Try to fool me, will you? Last time I answered this, I woke up to some European dude trying to stab me with a pencil. So, um... no.
[36] fetishes: Hmm ... I dunno.
[40] if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason: If I tell, you'll just try to save them...
[41] person you wish you could be with right now: She's sleepin now, I think.
[42] what/who is next to you: Nothing. I'm pretty much in a closet with a computer and a bunch of maps.
[43] what do you want done with your body when you die: Never really gave it any serious thought. I kinda wanna be cremated, but then won't I look like an idiot when they figure out how to bring back the dead, minus the zombie-tastic antics that usually follow with today's science.
[44] do you believe in love: I'm in it now.
[45] do you believe in soulmates: As above.
[46] do you believe in love at first sight: Not exactly.
[47] do you believe in heaven: Not in the "you die and you go there" sense, but I think I've been there. A little over a week ago, actually.
[48] do you believe in forgiveness: Yes, in most cases.
[49] do you believe in God: I asked him first, dammit, and I'm not telling him til he tells me.
[50] what's something that you wish people would understand: You do not have sex in the champagne room. Haaaaaahahahaha.
[51] what's something you wish you could understand better: Um, the stock market?
[52] what's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow: A mysterious and unexplained jump of nine days.
10 comments|post comment

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