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Below are the 19 most recent journal entries recorded in
aun's LiveJournal:
Wednesday, July 25th, 2001 | 2:47 am |
happiness in confusion and frustration i dont know what is going on. im falling in places i shouldnt be falling. following feelings i should just leave aside. wanting things that cause confusion. but it's all right with me, b/c it's making me happy. i love my nights. and when i leave i just drive home wishing i could have stayed there forever, or at least over night, and when i get home i just hurry to sleep, hoping to dream that i really didnt leave. so that is the story of my nights. sweet dreams. | 2:47 am |
happiness in confusion and frustration i dont know what is going on. im falling in places i shouldnt be falling. following feelings i should just leave aside. wanting things that cause confusion. but it's all right with me, b/c it's making me happy. i love my nights. and when i leave i just drive home wishing i could have stayed there forever, or at least over night, and when i get home i just hurry to sleep, hoping to dream that i really didnt leave. so that is the story of my nights. sweet dreams. | Tuesday, July 17th, 2001 | 12:51 am |
loveriddenilookedatyouwiththefocusigavetomybirthdaycandles,iwishedonthelittleblueflamesunderyourbrow iwishedforyou.nooneseeswhenyou'relyingin yourbedandiwanttocrawlinitwithyoubuticryinstead.iwantyourwarmthbutitwillonlymakemecolderwhenitsoversonottonightbaby.no,not baby anymore, if i need you i'll just use your simple name, only kisses on the cheek from now on, and soon we'll only have to wave. -fiona apple
someones got to take the edge off these thoughts. i realize that now. that i'm never gonna get to kiss you. just prove me wrong. you won't though. who am i addressing? prolly doesn't even read this thing.
those lyrics are the most beautiful to me right now. i am not sure if im confused or content. i don't feel like anything right now. i don't want to sleep b/c i'm so used to dreaming at these hours. but i'm not tonight. and i would have understood except i didn't hear from him so i didn't understand. so i'll wait and see whether his feelings have died off. and if they have i wouldn't understand. i'm scared to talk to him. i'm scared to want to dream tomorrow night. and i know that i probably won't. i'm not the only one in this freindship, i hope you know, and hopefully you won't forget that when i'm gone. i guess today was disconcerting dealing with my freinds. i see now that john has turned into my acquaintance. im not sure when this happened. i didnt let it happen, he made it happen. it bothers me. he was my best freind. and faye and i have fallen away, and now it feels like shawn is going to let the same thing happen to our freindship. maybe i thought we had more of a freindship than we really had. i don't know why i let myself, but i saw him as my best freind for a while. maybe even up until today when i thought about everything. i guess i just don't know what he wants and if i mean enough to him for us to stay in touch. i hope i do. b/c he does, to me i mean. 'she calls me from the cold, just when i was low, feeling short of stable, and all she keeps inside, all that she intends, isn't on the label, she says that shes ashamed, can she take me for awhile, can i be a freind, we'll forget the past, but maybe i'm not able, and i break at the bend. we're here and now, but will we ever be again? cause i have found, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade.. away.. again.'
Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: fiona apple | 12:51 am |
loveriddenilookedatyouwiththefocusigavetomybirthdaycandles,iwishedonthelittleblueflamesunderyourbrow iwishedforyou.nooneseeswhenyou'relyingin yourbedandiwanttocrawlinitwithyoubuticryinstead.iwantyourwarmthbutitwillonlymakemecolderwhenitsoversonottonightbaby.no,not baby anymore, if i need you i'll just use your simple name, only kisses on the cheek from now on, and soon we'll only have to wave. -fiona apple
someones got to take the edge off these thoughts. i realize that now. that i'm never gonna get to kiss you. just prove me wrong. you won't though. who am i addressing? prolly doesn't even read this thing.
those lyrics are the most beautiful to me right now. i am not sure if im confused or content. i don't feel like anything right now. i don't want to sleep b/c i'm so used to dreaming at these hours. but i'm not tonight. and i would have understood except i didn't hear from him so i didn't understand. so i'll wait and see whether his feelings have died off. and if they have i wouldn't understand. i'm scared to talk to him. i'm scared to want to dream tomorrow night. and i know that i probably won't. i'm not the only one in this freindship, i hope you know, and hopefully you won't forget that when i'm gone. i guess today was disconcerting dealing with my freinds. i see now that john has turned into my acquaintance. im not sure when this happened. i didnt let it happen, he made it happen. it bothers me. he was my best freind. and faye and i have fallen away, and now it feels like shawn is going to let the same thing happen to our freindship. maybe i thought we had more of a freindship than we really had. i don't know why i let myself, but i saw him as my best freind for a while. maybe even up until today when i thought about everything. i guess i just don't know what he wants and if i mean enough to him for us to stay in touch. i hope i do. b/c he does, to me i mean. 'she calls me from the cold, just when i was low, feeling short of stable, and all she keeps inside, all that she intends, isn't on the label, she says that shes ashamed, can she take me for awhile, can i be a freind, we'll forget the past, but maybe i'm not able, and i break at the bend. we're here and now, but will we ever be again? cause i have found, all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade.. away.. again.'
Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: fiona apple | Sunday, July 15th, 2001 | 1:23 am |
im not sure something has to click inside of me sometime. im just not sure what or when.
since i got back i enjoy my evenings and look forward to the later hours of the night when i get to see my dream, and lie under the stars of thought. i want to lie with him next to the pond on that picnic table where we've shared so many words. i want to be tangled up in his arms and mind, and stay that way until the sun comes up, or until the cops run us off. but i think, when he's right there, i'm invincible. maybe i'm delusional. i felt that tonight i shouldn't have my late night dream, but he said to anyway, so i went. i was right the first time. i think it was meant for me not to dream tonight. he had words with some other girl wanting the same thing. and i dont guess it put him in a very good mood. i wonder if he still wants with me what he seemed to want not so long ago. maybe i will get up the nerve and ask him.
i hope he knows im here for him. i've been thinking alot about all my freinds lately, especially that unnamed one, i will miss them so much next year. but i will stay in touch. whether my word means anything or not, but it should, b/c i keep my word. i just feel like a part of me will be missing when i can't flirt with john, and i cant sing the sheeva song, and i cant go to painting lessons on tuesday nights, or dream my midnight's like i used to. i'll miss barnes and nobles, and driving to nowhere and back, ihop, and sitting under the stars pouring my mind out, and seeing your eyes as some clever comment rolls over your lips. and i try to look annoyed. as i try and throw some comment back, when really hidden behind what i say im telling you how much you mean to me.
hopefully ill dream tomorrow night. and if not, i'll understand. | Wednesday, July 11th, 2001 | 11:50 pm |
can i never think "i'm gonna love you anyway-ay-ay, today and everyday, today and everyyyyyy -day" -joan osborne today was fun. my step mom and i drove out to houston to go to the houston museum of fine arts. you know, everytime i go to a museum i get a better appreciation for some art forms, and others, such as abstract painting i just cant understand. i looked at one painting and thought, that looks just like a painting i did when i was just messing with the paints left over on my used palette one time. and another looked liked a huge version of something i just threw together for a grade. so, art is all a matter of opinion. and my opinion (even though i am an artist) is that not all the art hanging in galleries is worth seeing. maybe it is. i supose someone put effort into it. i guess its a confusing subject. so then we picked up my dad and went to the mall. got some new clothes. i swear, i think im a shopaholic sometimes. but i only get things when they are on sale. so i do good. got two pairs of pants, two sweaters and a tank top for forty bucks. that comes out to like, 8 bucks a piece. its good. so then i came home. here i am i supose. go home in the early morning. have to get up at 6am and go to work with my dad so he can drive me to the airport. that should be fun.. NOT!.. itll prolly be boring. oh well. I WILL NOT DIE ON THE AIRPLANE.I WILL NOT DIE ON THE AIRPLANE.I WILL NOT DIE ON THE AIRPLANE........ that is my daily therapy to calm me down. everytime i fly my anxiety gets worse. its bad. so hopefully i will be able to again update this tomorrow, b/c i am not going to die. Current Mood: restless | Monday, July 9th, 2001 | 11:52 pm |
username and password please (somehow this just got posted like it was oct 2000) i have not updated in a couple days. oh well. this thing only inspired me to write in the first couple nights i got this journal thing. maybe i will find the inspiration again. who knows. so i looked at the moon saturday night with music blaring through my body. saturday was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. my sister took me to a rave with her and some of her freinds. i may download some pic's from it when i get back home. well i dont know what time we got there but at first i felt inhibited and couldnt really dance even though i really really wanted to. you dont even understand how moving that music is. it was pounding in my chest. i always describe to him that if i feel music behind my eyebrows i dont like it. but if i can feel it in my chest its good. and i could feel this in my chest. everyone there was what my sister and about everyone else refers to as "rolling". i dislike using this term for some reason. im not sure why. anyhow. at one point a guy named... um.. nolan maybe in an orange shirt and glasses came up to me and starts talking. at point tells me how pretty i am (i guess that when you're "rolling" everything looks really beautiful) anyway. he taught me how to do some awesome dance moves so i wont forget him. i guess they say im a natural. i learned pretty damn quick. im no where near being 'good' but i dont suck. lol. second guy. dude named bryan. all in yellow. rolling hard. said i was really pretty then hid his head in his hands. he asked if i didnt live in another state would i go out with him. i said yes b/c i just did. it made his moment. third guy. ugly ass dude that bought this tiny glow stick from me for a dollar. went back and bought another package of two with that dollar. made some kind of profit i supose. fourth guy. nathan. hot as hell. by that time in the night i was just dancing when i felt like it. so i started dancing with him. im glad i did. but he was rolling too so i serious didnt think he would remember me. but i guess he does. so i have written way too much. but it was such a great night. im gonna go to raves now. i loved it. but my legs burn horribly and i can barely walk b/c my calf hurts everytime i take a step. but it was worth it. despite my fun i miss home. but ill be home thursday. miss love. night. | Wednesday, July 4th, 2001 | 11:20 pm |
variations so today is the fourth of july. i don't think i got to sleep till about 330 last night and i woke up today at 8am. so needless to say i was extremely tired. i thought i had a flight to houston at 1040, turns out it was at 1000. i missed it by ten minutes though. so they put me on standby for a 135 flight. i actually made that one. this evening to celebrate the festivities i went to downtown houston with my father and step mother. we saw the beach boys (yes the actual beach boys, not some modern human rendition of them) it was awesome. and then we watched the most spectacular fireworks show. that took up most of the evening. and here i am. while at the show though, i went to the port-a-potties and was standing behind a man and a dude about my age in front of him. the fire works started so i started tapping my foot in anticipation. the dude asked if i had to really go so i said yeh and he switched me places in line. (i know this sounds insignificant) but as i left i said thank you and he said no problem as he touched my arm so i reached over and kind of patted his stomach. a second later he said hey so i came back. he only told me to go to the end of the street and get my face painted, but i told him i didnt have time and wondered why exactly he wanted me to do that as i walked briskly off to find my folks. the most beautiful firework that i saw had a white ring around a huge blue star. it was gorgeous. there was only one, and i almost missed it, but good thing i hurried back and didnt flirt too much with that guy! lol. so yes. this was my day celebrating my independence (from what? i've always been 'free', but how 'free' are we, really?) Current Mood: mellow | 3:45 am |
nightlife ....my eyes are sleepy.... you know, for the past few nights, a part of me is dormant until about 1am, when i can drive under the stars and feel encompassed by the world and its' beauty. my mind settles down and maybe im really asleep, but i dont think so, because im somehow near another being that makes me smile while being myself, and i think i can actually feel them near me. maybe i was just dreaming that i saw them. tonight they stood near a still pond that had captured the sky in its' glass casing, and they hid my face from the man in the moon. but i didn't mind. their silhouette was nice to see against the reflected sunlight from our sky. we both said things we probably shouldn't say, but who cares, it's only the truth. and really, it's nothing but a dream. and hopefully i'll get to dream for a while (so don't disturb my sleep) Current Mood: calm | Monday, July 2nd, 2001 | 3:45 am |
im not sure what event im writing about..... i dont really have the desire to update this right now so this may be a shitty entry. im sorry in advance. the news in my life lately you ask? (whoever you might be) :::: well i revealed my feelings for one of my freinds the other night. it was really nice to be able to tell them. we said we wouldnt let it make us feel awkward, but i have to admit, the next day when i saw them i felt really awkward, mainly b/c i didnt know if they remembered what we had talked about due to their alcohol consumption from the night before. i found out they did remember and now i am glad i told them. i think its nice to be able to be completely straighforward with someone and now i can with them. on a different note. seen any good movies lately? i have seen 'panic', 'requeiem for a dream', 'Artificial Intelligence' (is that it?)(i think so, at least for in the past few days). music: i am desperately looking for a used weezer pinkerton cd. i know its a long shot that anyone would get rid of that album, but im still looking. i really want it. i miss my friends copy of it. yes. for those of you that enjoy my more poetic ramblings, im sorry, those come with the desire to update, and for the moment, i've lost that desire. Current Mood: content | Friday, June 29th, 2001 | 2:45 pm |
life is eventful isn't it? lately every morning i have been waking up and have been extremely in tune with my mortality. am i suposed to be so aware of my ability to die at such a young age? and yes, 18 is such a young age. lol. this reminds me, he said i am a woman, but i'm no where near being a woman. i think i will be a woman when i hit thirty years. this is a tangent. the point is questioning why i am so aware of my mortality. its a strange feeling to wake up and feel my body screaming at me saying "you're vulnerable". this morning i opened my eyes and could actually feel my body lying there. i noticed my hand and watched it for a minute, its' silouette against the light shining in through my blue curtains on the window. and for a second i wasn't me. but rather my soul looking out at what i have become. as i realized what was happening i grasped my hand back to my chest and covered myself in more sleep. or tried to. i slept too late today. that always makes me feel like my days are wasted. maybe something is showing me that im mortal so i will take more steps to living each day to the fullest. maybe that's what it is. i should listen.
Current Mood: awake | Wednesday, June 27th, 2001 | 1:15 am |
just returned home. tonight i feel wonderful. lol. although i did get home a bit later tonight that has nothing to do with it. i felt loved tonight. we just watched 'como agua para chocolate' and lay with each other. i just wanted to be held. he held me. and when i left i felt loved. although my body wanted to be held even more, but we were both hot and my skin was too warm to keep him that close to me. i drove home with the windows down and the moon roof open. the cool air rolled over my skin like a triumphant shadow cooling off my soul. my hair blew in my face and my arms in the air made me feel free as they danced above the roof with the sky. i just wanted to drive. but i came on home. wishing that freind of mine were around to go driving with me. able to feel the way i felt. loved. wonderful. content.
Current Mood: wonderful Current Music: train | Monday, June 25th, 2001 | 1:08 am |
optional just returned home. my returning time seems to be getting earlier and earlier from his house each night. it's alright. i'll pretend i don't mind. maybe i can convince myself. we had nice conversations about human beings and intelligence. most people don't think the way we do. i don't even think the way he does. i wish i did. maybe he would find my mind more beautiful. so hows life. its trying to pass me by, but i caught it. i saw it slipping past the crack so i opened the door. i stared it straight in the face. too tired i went back to bed. but understanding it waited for a few more minutes before going back on its way. i will catch up to it though. maybe tomorrow. Current Mood: apathetic | 1:00 am |
optional just returned home. my returning time seems to be getting earlier and earlier from his house each night. it's alright. i'll pretend i don't mind. maybe i can convince myself. we had nice conversations about human beings and intelligence. most people don't think the way we do. i don't even think the way he does. i wish i did. maybe he would find my mind more beautiful. so hows life. its trying to pass me by, but i caught it. i saw it slipping past the crack so i opened the door. i stared it straight in the face. too tired i went back to bed. but understanding it waited for a few more minutes before going back on its way. i will catch up to it though. maybe tomorrow. Current Mood: apathetic | Sunday, June 24th, 2001 | 3:58 am |
helo. girlie will you marry me? i got propositioned tonight by my ex mister-ess. im wanting very badly to flirt with a freind of mine who it would be bad if i did. for complicated reasons. but hes soo hot and soo awesome. damn. aaaaahhhhhh. why do i fall for so many people. really. and the truth will never come out to the person i love. b/c human beings have some f*^ke$ up fear of the truth. why? its not our nature. its our condition. but truth be told. im in love with three people at this moment. the truth will set me free. lol.
Current Mood: feisty Current Music: snatch soundtrack | 2:17 am |
An artist according to eecummings An artist doesn't live in some geographical abstraction superimposed on a part of this beautiful earth by the nonimagination of unanimals and dedicated to the proposition that massacre is a social virtue because murder is an individual vice. Nor does an artist live in some soi-distant world,nor does he live in some socalled universe, nor does he live in any number of "worlds" or in any number of "universes". As for a few trifling delusions like the "past" and "present" and "future" of quote mankind unquote, they may be big enough for a couple of billion supermechanized submorons but they're much too small for one human being. Every artist's strictly illimitable country is himself. An artist who plays that country false has committed suicide; and even a good lawyer cannot kill the dead. But a human being who's true to himself-whoever himself may be-is immortal; and all the atomic bombs of all the antiartists in spacetime will never civilize immortality. Current Mood: contemplative | Friday, June 8th, 2001 | 5:26 am |
An artist according to eecummings An artist doesn't live in some geographical abstraction superimposed on a part of this beautiful earth by the nonimagination of unanimals and dedicated to the proposition that massacre is a social virtue because murder is an individual vice. Nor does an artist live in some soi-distant world,nor does he live in some socalled universe, nor does he live in any number of "worlds" or in any number of "universes". As for a few trifling delusions like the "past" and "present" and "future" of quote mankind unquote, they may be big enough for a couple of billion supermechanized submorons but they're much too small for one human being. Every artist's strictly illimitable country is himself. An artist who plays that country false has committed suicide; and even a good lawyer cannot kill the dead. But a human being who's true to himself-whoever himself may be-is immortal; and all the atomic bombs of all the antiartists in spacetime will never civilize immortality. Current Mood: contemplative | 4:16 am |
helo. girlie will you marry me? i got propositioned tonight by my ex mister-ess. im wanting very badly to flirt with a freind of mine who it would be bad if i did. for complicated reasons. but hes soo hot and soo awesome. damn. aaaaahhhhhh. why do i fall for so many people. really. and the truth will never come out to the person i love. b/c human beings have some f*^ke$ up fear of the truth. why? its not our nature. its our condition. but truth be told. im in love with three people at this moment. the truth will set me free. lol.
Current Mood: feisty Current Music: snatch soundtrack | Monday, October 9th, 2000 | 11:49 pm |
username and password please i have not updated in a couple days. oh well. this thing only inspired me to write in the first couple nights i got this journal thing. maybe i will find the inspiration again. who knows. so i looked at the moon saturday night with music blaring through my body. saturday was one of the most awesome experiences of my life. my sister took me to a rave with her and some of her freinds. i may download some pic's from it when i get back home. well i dont know what time we got there but at first i felt inhibited and couldnt really dance even though i really really wanted to. you dont even understand how moving that music is. it was pounding in my chest. i always describe to him that if i feel music behind my eyebrows i dont like it. but if i can feel it in my chest its good. and i could feel this in my chest. everyone there was what my sister and about everyone else refers to as "rolling". i dislike using this term for some reason. im not sure why. anyhow. at one point a guy named... um.. nolan maybe in an orange shirt and glasses came up to me and starts talking. at point tells me how pretty i am (i guess that when you're "rolling" everything looks really beautiful) anyway. he taught me how to do some awesome dance moves so i wont forget him. i guess they say im a natural. i learned pretty damn quick. im no where near being 'good' but i dont suck. lol. second guy. dude named bryan. all in yellow. rolling hard. said i was really pretty then hid his head in his hands. he asked if i didnt live in another state would i go out with him. i said yes b/c i just did. it made his moment. third guy. ugly ass dude that bought this tiny glow stick from me for a dollar. went back and bought another package of two with that dollar. made some kind of profit i supose. fourth guy. nathan. hot as hell. by that time in the night i was just dancing when i felt like it. so i started dancing with him. im glad i did. but he was rolling too so i serious didnt think he would remember me. but i guess he does. so i have written way too much. but it was such a great night. im gonna go to raves now. i loved it. but my legs burn horribly and i can barely walk b/c my calf hurts everytime i take a step. but it was worth it. despite my fun i miss home. but ill be home thursday. miss love. night. |
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