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04:44pm 04/06/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative
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My sister just told me I have a cute butt. WHAT IS IT WITH MY BUTT?! It's not even that cute. It's just a butt. She was wearing this skirt, and it was super cute so she's like, "you wanna try it on?" and I did (yes, we both stripped in the living room) and she's like.... "wow, you have hips. Damn you have a cute butt!" She's jealous because she has no hips Now she's revving up her Harley because she's so cool ha.
Rumpleteazer-->I know! He cheats...at cards. says: i don't have a butt. Wendy Lane 3/4 says: Everybody says my butt is cute Wendy Lane 3/4 says: I don't see what's so great bout it. Rumpleteazer-->I know! He cheats...at cards. says: its attached to you! Wendy Lane 3/4 says: So Rumpleteazer-->I know! He cheats...at cards. says: you rock Wendy Lane 3/4 says: I know Rumpleteazer-->I know! He cheats...at cards. says: therefor your butt rocks.
ha I got called into work today it sucked. Tomorrow is my last day. Hoorah!
The hotel had such a great view. There was a Super 8, a Happy Chef, and a Country Inn and Suites. When you start they make sure to tell you that the Country Inn and Suites is their sister hotel, and they emphasize it like it matters. Shit.
My back hurts. |
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mostly aimed at broken |
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09:41pm 01/06/2009 |
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mood:  accomplished
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I think I have done it. I think I have found... The holy bagel of wellness.
This is so amazing.
Like I said in my log, this... this whole loving yourself thing, this is better than Jesus.
If I give you the broken link it means I trust you completely. If I don't, it doesn't necissarily mean I don't trust you completely. I just wanted to say... I don't know. I wouldn't be where I am without a lot of people. Patrick, of course. You know what you've done, and thank you.
Linsey... Oh, my, Linsey. I hope you read this. It's in my log, but... you have no idea how many girls... and guys... look up to you. You have been such an inspiration. Thank you so much, and I love you... and we'll wear bikinis and eat pizza.
Tiane, Emily, Tanya, Kyrsten and everyone else (I'm just not sure who reads this...).. You have all done so much too. From just picking me up when I was at a low spot to telling me I can do it no matter what... Thanks.
I feel like I've won a Grammy or something. But I've won something better. I think I've won my freedom. |
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Ha. Hahaha. |
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08:57pm 31/05/2009 |
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mood:  full music: something..... though I've never heard it before.
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( fucking ) cut for your protection. May trigger, as that used to be my favorite picture. Sad, eh? Very sad. pathetic, even... I feel very full and that is good.
1 week left. Mom thought I was leaving tomorrow. I'm like... "No, next tuesday. Though, if you really want me to leave tomorrow I could probably arrange something somewhere..." Greg and Christine and their 2 kids (Hanna, 5 and Kaitlin, 7) came over for a barbecue. Mm, meat. *pukes* The girls are absolutely adorable... and they love me. Kids just love me for some reason. I miss Patrick. I miss. I. I miss. I miss Patrick. Feeling... something. I'm not sure what. I don't really want to write... or paint... but there is some little spark of that part of me that likes to do those things blazing inside. I bruised my soul, but it's healing. Everything's healing. Sometimes I think that happiness is like a giant band-aid. It can just cure anything. And... there are other times, when I think happiness is just the opposite, because all it does is set you up for disappointment. Maybe emotion is the angel/devil. If you can't feel, then you can't feel the pain but you can't really feel the joy either. But if you can, you get both. It all evens itself out. Enough rambling for now. |
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07:47pm 30/05/2009 |
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mood:  giggly
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abbieHOFFMANowns: I LOOKED IN MY BIRTHDAY/ASTROLOGY BOOK...AND IT SAID, THAT ABBIE HOFFMAN AND I, ARE SOULDMATES :::::::::::::: abbieHOFFMANowns: there was a poetry slam not too long ago, and the mediator did this haiku...and it was about bush, and dick cheney, and colin powell...i think it went like this. abbieHOFFMANowns: BUSH, DICK, AND COLON (colin) abbieHOFFMANowns: ARE ALL GETTING FUCKED BY THEIR POLITRICKS ::::::::::::: I love this girl. I love you. I think. When it is about that time again we shall ask for the divine fuck. |
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04:16pm 30/05/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative music: eh
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( mindmap )
that's fun.. But this is empowering. http://www.livejournal.com/community/ed_recovery/514472.html?nc=34
I think so much about how it could have turned out... where I would be if things hadn't turned around. But why? This is where I am and how it is. And frankly, I like it this way. I have amazing friends and a simply wonderful love by my side. I have plans, I have fun, I do what I WANT and not what it tells me to do. I have... free will. I was looking at my ankle earlier and I thought of something... when it happens, when you feel how you feel, like that... depressed, hopeless... it doesn't feel like it will ever end. You just stop caring, you give up, you don't think about what if it does end and I'm stuck with these stupid scars forever. Physical, emotional, whatever. I remember being 12 and thinking things would never, ever get better. I was going to feel blatantly sad, depressed, hopeless, and guilty for the rest of my life. I would want to die forever and I would keep trying until one time it finally worked. As I look back on all the stupid shit I did to my body it's amazing I'm still alive and in halfway good health. Through all the pills, the ipecac, the chemical-ridden drugs... rusty razorblades, and diet soda... I'm amazed my body still loves me. I think it's time to return the favor. I was in my old bedroom today and saw a roll of tinfoil on the shelf and it just shot my mind back to that first time I did crank... just sitting in my bedroom. And then I think what if I hadn't done that. What if anything. *sigh* I'm rambling. I should clean more. water buffalo. |
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09:19pm 23/05/2009 |
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mood:  crazy music: Crossing Jordan.
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1: This is... like, the best green tea I've ever had.
2: I got my principal (R squared) adding "izzle" to the end of his words.
8: I just bit off a little bit of my nail! Shit! I need to give myself another manicure before it happens again....
112.3: You, my friend... probably rock.
( behindthecut ) That's all for now, folks. |
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07:21pm 23/05/2009 |
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mood:  indifferent music: Eh?
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usedandconfused Look out for the | m HOLE |
From Go-Quiz.com
That's creepy. I think I'm on a diet.... School is out as of 1:30 tomorrow afternoon. Maybe I can get some good... relax...mmmmmm, relaxation. Well, things are going. I almost broke down yesterday.
This happens every damn time. Every time I veer close to a breakdown... *sigh* Two windows out. Lots of branches and a few trees down, the evespout's gone, but other than that we're basically okay. THere's a house a mile east of us that's ... gone. That was the coolest tornado I've ever seen, though. It was just... light. It was pitch back and there's this illuminescent whirling cylinder.... heading right for me. It must have dissapated before it hit us. But it happens every time, and ... I can't help it. THis unbelievable sense, feeling... it intoxicates me and last night was amazing. I stood out in the middle of the yard... the lightning energized me, the wind almost blew me away. the rain felt like euphoria. I love storms. I hate them. Everything at once. I feel like burst.
In any case, other than the fact that my ENTIRE window is now gone and my blanket was soaked, the rain got in the picture frame.... things are okay. Except the landlord came over this morning and scoped out the damage and basically said start looking for a new place. He's not paying for the damage, and he won't sell us the land. So it looks as though we're moving.... after the 5 grand or so that was spent on the hot tub room, and the same or higher spent on the garage, and everything else we did for this house. *sigh* I just gotta keep tellin' myself things will be allright yeah, yeah, things will be okay tonight Sometime I get a little bit edgy and don't know where to go everything gets a little bit messy Things get really low but I just gotta keep tellin myself things will be allright yeah, yeah, things will be okay tonight.
Triangular.
Money.
Murder.
Rotten.
My quads feel like giant bruises and my legs feel like jelly. I was on my feet for about 8 hours, constantly moving today. Not bad, but it seems like it. Shit this hurts. and I did it yesterday. FUck. |
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10:16am 20/05/2009 |
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mood:  hot
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School's almost out.
I couldn't be less excited, really. It happens, and then a year later it happens again, until next year when it doesn't happen anymore. whoopdedoo.
I miss patrick. And I'm glad he's graduating. And I think he called me and woke me up last night.
My computer is still a whore. |
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10:59pm 14/05/2009 |
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mood:  drunk music: Elliot smith
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I feel like I'm drunk. Oh, wait, I am. Yellow Tail Shiraz is oone of the greatest things evver. |
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07:45pm 14/05/2009 |
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mood:  exanimate music: Kill Bill!
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So, here I am in Minneapolis. Kill Bill music is playing, I should go watch. Lots of Terantino up here lately for some reason.. Pulp Fiction last night, after Pieces of April (which is not Terantino but good nonetheless). Went up to MCAD, accompanied by Chris today. I was afraid this would happen... I go to visit the school of my dreams knowing it's way out of my league, and my senior tour guide says, "financial aid is really good too. I'm paying 3000 next semester. It's like, if your parents can only afford 5000, that's all you'll pay." Fuckles. Anyway, I'm falling in love with the city all over again, except for the creepy bartender at Chang O'Hara's. Thai food is good here. Patrick: Chris has the same brown cords as you. Chris is gay. I'm not implying that you look gay, not by any means. Just thought you should know.:) But they still make your butt look good. This empty container of couscous parmesan next to me kind of smells like vomit. I think all these dreams I've been having about chopping all my hair off spontaneously signify change. I crave change... I do, I know that. Maybe I'm headed to do something drastic. In any case, more when I get home. Toodles. |
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10:22am 13/05/2009 |
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mood:  hot music: American history smells
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10 things people repeatedly say to me:
10. You're NOT fat! 9. You think too much. 8. Are you really wearing that? 7. What are you doing tonight? 6. Can I have a cigarette? 5. What's wrong? 4. Can you help me with this? 3. Aaahhh! Get away from me! Quit groping me! 2. Um...what is that? 1. Nice job.
I went and read my childrens' book to the elementary schoolers today. I love kids. That was fun. Leaving for Minniapolis tonight, be back Saturday night.
You know, I've recently realized I have this huge problem with sweaters. I have this insane, sick addiction to sweaters. Cardigans, hooded sweaters, knit, polyester, whatever. Sweaters own me. And I'm wearing one of my new sweaters today, I was so psyched because it's cold out and I can wear a sweater even though i'm sweating. |
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10:28am 12/05/2009 |
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mood:  amused music: American History smells
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 The Count's Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder
It started with a simple affection for counting and the terror it induced in others, didn't it? But now it's turned into a full-blown life-consuming chaotic nightmare of order, repetition, zealousness, and perfectionism. You used to be so grand, but now you find yourself obsessively worrying over the littlest things--like, maybe if you don't check the light switch at least once every two minutes, the electricity will go out (and damnit, you're a vampire--that shouldn't be a problem!), or maybe if you don't wash your hands until your seams are coming out, you'll get some fatal disease. Get yourself some treatment.
Which Sesame Street Muppet's Dark Secret Are You? brought to you by Quizilla
ahaha. American History is fun.... right? Apple River is fun!! Chiropractors are fun I have the Count on my checks I think I'm overdrawn in my checking account if my dad forgot to throw some money in there for my stupid test.
 I adopted a cute lil' emo fetus from Fetusmart! Hooray fetus! |
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Today |
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09:31pm 11/05/2009 |
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mood:  amused music: The Eagles.
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Today...today, today. Stressful, but good. Took my AP exam today, it was hard as hell. I bet I bombed. The roll of film I was developing stuck together and got chemically burned, sort of. Parts were transparent and the rest looked like solid milk. But then Dani and I went on a bike ride. And then we went creek stomping.... yes, creek stomping, and talked about how we are, indeed, country girls and how we can roll our pants up so they don't fall down and that's a talent. That and country music and Garth Brooks and windows down and dryer sheets flapping in the wind. Concert attendence: done. Well, sort of. cheated. Grabbed a program and headed to Ames for tea. Today is only Tuesday. This week is so full and so stressful. I have homework I should be doing. I have an entire American History tome to do, a speech to write, Psychology to catch up on, a painting to finish, an art portfolio to finish and get copied, film to develop, a new girl to mentor (who got suspended today), a college to visit, Graduation to attend, etc. etc. And that's within the next 5 days.
Oh. Funniest thing in a long time. Dani and I were sitting on the patio at Taraccino having our tea and she had bought a bag of those chocolate covered coffee beans... and she holds up the bag and she goes, "When I finish these.... I'm gonna find a guy who thinks I'm pretty. Then he's going to buy me enough coke to fill up this whole bag. Then I'm gonna sell it. Pure profit. And then I'll just be like, 'sorry, it just wasn't working out. Oh, the coke? It's all up my nose now.'"
It was great.... kind of a had-to-be-there thing, but great.
I'm so happy for Patrick. His brothers really are going to torment me at graduation. I should go call him. But I feel like making some stupid survey.
Random stuff: (in no particular order) 10 guilty pleasures you have: 10. books 9. pasta 8. "Seven Bridges Road" by the Eagles 7. coffee 6. white chocolate 5. flowy skirts 4. red-and-white country paisley 3. Old beat-up pickup trucks 2. my green pants 1. wierd music
10 people you love: 10. my dog...is...a person. 9. Patrick 8. Dani 7. Jussin 6. My mom 5. My dad 4. My sister 3. My other sister 2. My cousin Brandon 1. my foot
10 people whose asses you'd like to see kicked: 10. Brooke Hovick 9. Jeb (though that shit he pulled in English today was pretty damn funny, the setting the clock ahead and such, getting us out of class 10 minutes early and confusing aunt Peg) 8. Denver 7. Justin Crouse 6. Justin Crouse 5. Justin Crouse 4. ....Justin Crouse 3. Fran Drescher 2. Justin Crouse 1. My family doctor
10 small things you noticed/realized today: 10. the smell of bike rides 9. the feel of sand under your feet while water flows over them 8. the filmy shit dryer sheets leave on your hands 7. I could be Jesus 6. You could be Jesus 5. Mrs. Kreimeyer is popular. 4. Stephanie Wawers is really tan 3. The kids that go to school at West Marshall now are lucky, because when I went to school there we had to get our asses dressed UP in the wintertime, snowpants and coats and boots and hats and all, just to walk the 100 feet to the lunch building. Now they're joined. 2. Dani's car doesn't smell like dead mice anymore 1. My toenail is growing
More to come. I think I should do one of these every day. |
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09:34pm 10/05/2009 |
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mood:  contemplative music: Praise his holy name!
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Here's another incoherent time ramble. Actually, this was my diary entry last night.
5.9.4 Time passes so quickly, but where does it all go? There is the past, that thing that was yesterday and before but can the past, can anything really just vanish and be gone forever? Perhaps those days of ours are just soaked up into our memories, and everyone carries yesterday around with them. And then when too many yesterdays build up our mind can't take anymore and we die. But yesterday isn't just yesterday though. It was tomorrow, and it was today, and it is yesterday until tomorrow again. When that yesterday is only the time before, and tomorrow is today, and today is yesterday. Yesterday is only that for today. 3 days of not-eat consumed my last week. It's not that I'm scared of gaining weight again, or even scared of food. I just didn't want to. Eating seems so unnatural. Unhuman. I watch people eat or I eat and it feels like it's not....right. Not natural. Logically, I know food gives our bodies energy to live and we need it. But it just doesn't FEEL like that. I barely have the desire to eat. I don't. After a few days of none, food tastes bland. No flavor, no texture, no feeling. Eating, not eating, it's all the same really. There is no real hungry and sometimes if there is emotion flowing through my veins there is full. The coyotes are loud; there fight-barks echo through the night sky. THis is so pathetic. Sixteen years old. Sweet sixteen, the golden years, and just look at where I am. I feel like I'm thirty. I almost look the same. Wrinkles, undereye circles and vericose vieins. I feel so pathetic. I feel like I have kids; sometimes I call them at night by unknown names. I forget how old I am and then I wonder why it matters. After all, everything went dowhill 6 years ago because 24 is the end of it. I wonder why I write inside of these borders, or why they're even here. Maybe you wouldn't be able to read it as well if I went over those dark lines but then why does that matter because this is a diary anyway. I think about why I think too much, and then I end up thinking way too much about that and how I should be writing a speech and Dani and I are going to Minniapolis later this week and graduation is sunday I only have two weeks of school left bonnaroo my trip to the british Isles work everything.
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Eventful night, eh? nonoblivion. It flows so nicely. n o n o b l i v i o n
non obl ivi on livion. liv nonob nob non ion
In my stupid math we are doing a unit on patterns and ooohhh god. It send me crazy. My mind picks them out, most of them, if there are enough numbers. patterns are like god. Maybe that's the up side to bipolar or this.
Chirporactor. I have trauma on the insides of 2 of my vertabrae and I have no idea how it happened. I have an abnormal curve to my back, which I knew... forty-eight degrees, and the norm for women is around 30-40. There is this little thing in the lumbar that develops in some people... it's either supposed to be there or it's not, and mine is half there. THe two pieces rub against each other and cause nerve trauma.
Thanks, mom. Most of this is congenial. Some is trauma. But fuck, x-rays of hipbones.
"Have you had any sort of abdominal surgery?" "Yeah." "Oh, good, I was wondering why there are surgical staples in this."
I have so much shit to do tonight. It's happening again, it's acting up and silence screams and colors drip and they are so bright. sounds are almost deafening but I still know good music because I get chills. Really good music makes me cry. I can feel... everything... again. And this too shall pass. Until it comes back. |
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07:46pm 09/05/2009 |
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mood:  crappy music: five-for-fighting something or other
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I wish I could just make him feel it, this feeling.... it doesn't feel like I'm terribly depressed or terribly anything, really, which is odd for me because I'm rather a person of extremes. It's always this or that, black or white, there's usually not a lot of grey area in my actions. It's not that I fear eating anymore. I don't fear gaining weight for the first few days; I just don't care. Eating, not eating, it's all the same. If it's been a few days, food doesn't taste like anything, and texture feels wierd. Things in your mouth are just wierd. My main problem, I told him, is that I don't see eating as a natural human thing. When I watch people eat, or when I eat, it just seems so unnatural. Imprimal. I don't know. I ate a lot tonight. I'm really full, not feeling so well but doing allright, fighting to eat and fighting to tell myself it's okay that I hate myself I hate myself I hate shopping. It's not the crying kind of I hate myself I hate society I hate mass media, it's not the pissed off kind. It's just like me, sighing because I'm bigger than I used to be and I don't look as cute in that skirt and that little white shirt he loves. And I probably won't wear it until I'm that small again, if that ever happens.
Depression is almost worse than mania. Other than that, my computer's a whore, to explain the absence as of late. |
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06:40pm 04/05/2009 |
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mood:  dirty
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I want to go jogging and I think I will. I want to work out till I pass out. I just need to do something. I feel lazy. I feel... yuck. I feel jiggly. This is not good. I trigger myself. We made our movie last night for American History and I was wearing this little jazz dress and I jumped on kendall and he caught me in a cradle, with "Damn you've gained weight!" 35 pounds of it, thanks. My skin is tight. yucky. I think I have cellulite. Yucky again. Yes, I'm going to go jog. |
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01:08pm 26/04/2009 |
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mood:  silly music: Let's name the species, the species, the species, let's name
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My days are mixed up and my foot is asleep. I need to go to the doctor and then I need to find something to fix my back because it . hurts really really bad lately and I just don't know what to do because, well I don't know who to see for it or anything.
Enough with that already. In any case, my weekend was. wonderful. Friday was grand; bonding with family, spending time with Patrick, jugglers, except I didn't get to see MJ. More Patrick and pretty moon. Saturday night... I get to prom and people are saying there's a gorilla in a pink dress running around and I think to myself "oh my god." And it is, of course, him, and it was adorable and I love him for it. He is so cute in that thing. And sunday was... *dreamy sigh*. In any case, I am feeling mucho liberated and free and sparatic and spontaneous lately. I like it, except I scared Chelsea who sits in front of me fourth hour with my paper Patrick doll that Josh Corbin made me in third hour. It is a star. Janae stepped on him so I tried to give him mouth to mouth, then Dani pointed out that Patrick is a starfish and he needs water to live, so I spit on his little paper mouth and he lives! He is my bookmark now. I love you all. |
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01:27pm 23/04/2009 |
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I want to give a quick thank-you to all those serial adders who add me, because it makes me feel special. It makes me feel elite to have more people who've added me than I them, and so I want to thank all you wonderful no-lifers. :) |
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*drools* |
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12:34pm 23/04/2009 |
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mood:  cheerful music: Cream-Sunshine of Your Love
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0_o Today is: Little Mojo Friday! My sister's birthday A wonderful 16 months for my hunnie and me. Larry Orey's birthday (I miss the bastard) Hitler's birthday Stacey's arrival in Iowa
I have "Sunshine of Your Love" stuck in my head because we are watching The '60s in American History and they played it. twice. I got compared to Julia Stiles... yes, more. Mo. I always come out of there feeling like a hippie and I have a flower now that I picked at lunch. It is a dandelion but I don't think that dandelions are weeds just because you don't buy them from a mail order catalog and plant them in your green and white checkered garden apron and your matching shovel. I think they are pretty. I think you are pretty. I talked hacker-talk last hour because I got thrown in study hall, and I know nothing about hacking so Michael tried to explain something like buffers to me and how to do something with a buffer, and it's on the third level of a memory setup, and I was lost. I am wearing a Grateful Dead t-shirt, cheap jeans and two dollar bamboo flip flops. This is nothing new, because it is my general attire. But I have a flower and that makes everything all the brighter, even if it is a dandelion.
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