June 03, 2004
Moving
Lessons learned this week:
- Driving in downtown Boston in a van, a vehicle which I have never driven before, is rather difficult. Especially without a passenger to check my blindspots.
- To change lanes on Massachusetts Avenue in a van: turn on your blinker, slow down, begin to drift slightly. If a car honks, drift back. If a car doesn't honk, then keep drifting. Praying is optional, but very helpful.
- When renting a van, always buy the no-deductible insurance. Especially if you're driving in Boston. Scratching a van is very easy to do when you've never driven something so big.
- Packing books in large boxes to reduce the total number of trips up the stairs seems like a really great idea. It's not.
- Jamaica Plain is awesome.
- Living 4 minutes from a T station is even more awesome.
- Having a room with orange walls is the awesomest thing of all.
Posted at 03:01 PM to My so-called life | permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
May 31, 2004
Congratulations
Matt McKeon got coined.
Posted at 10:38 AM to Cool people | permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
May 28, 2004
God Abhors You, but MTV Adores You
I'm usually not a big fan of Schadenfreude. But watching evangelicals lose the War on Fags is a great way to start the day. Joe Carter over at the Evangelical Outpost seems peeved that MTV wants to start a gay-themed network. Why is he upset? Because there are already gay people on other television shows. And now the uppity fags are getting their own network! Makes sense to me. You give them an inch, and they'll take a mile in their neverending quest to destroy the American family. It's just like interracial marriage- it used to be blessedly rare, but now you see miscegenation all over the place, thanks to activist judges and liberal media. Joe closes with a bang:
Next thing you know, we'll be hearing that MTV plans to start a channel dedicated to music.
Gee, Joe. Bitter much? You do realize you don't have to watch LOGO if you don't want to. And if you need to turn to a television network that's blessedly fag-free and keeps children safe from the influences of family-destroying homosexuals, there's always TBN. Personally, I find Benny Hinn way more entertaining than Will & Grace. But then again, I also read Chick tracts for fun, so maybe I'm just weird.
Equally fun are Terry Mattingly's questions about journalistic balance in the gay marriage debate. The coverage of the May 17th weddings was too upbeat! There were no articulate voices in the press coverage detailing the other side. He asks:
But would there be journalists in U.S. newsrooms who could even imagine what this story looks like from a morally conservative point of view? Would they be attacked by co-workers if they raised questions about balance and fairness?
That's certainly piling the FUD on. Terry forgets that the Boston Globe published this letter from Archbishop O'Malley urging Catholics to react with sadness, rather than anger. Which is a good thing, because any traditional Catholics who did go to the May 17th celebrations in Cambridge would have ultimately been on the same team as these guys, who seem to enjoy stirring up anger whenever possible. Does Terry really want to see these people given equal time in the Boston Globe? How about these guys? Anyway, the God Hates Fags people showed up, got their photo-op, and left before the celebrations began. There were no other conservative voices in sight. How much column space should we give their views? What does the press do when they go to an event and there are no opponents of gay marriage who are not raving bigots? Answer: they publish reasonable-sounding letters from Catholic officials, thus obfuscating the fact that while the reasonable people urge us all not to get angry and indulge in hate, the ground troops in the War on Fags are constantly engaging in those very tactics.
Posted at 09:38 AM to Politics, Religion | permalink | Comments (4) | TrackBack (0)
May 27, 2004
Vibrating Razors and Divine Goddess Names
The scene: Ryan, 3 pm, at the Star Mart looking to pick up some Gillette Mach3 TURBO razors. Sure, they're expensive at $16 for 8, but they're the only razors that don't make my neck erupt in a wine-dark fountain of blood every time I shave.
I head to the razor aisle, and behold! The Mach3 TURBO is no more. Instead, there is the M3 POWER. It is green, and has an orange Lubrastrip™. The razor handle has a battery, and vibrates. This makes the blades $20 for an 8-pack. I am overcome with excitement at this new green and orange technology. At $4 more expensive, it must be better.
Imagine my surprise when I check the Gillette website for information on their extreme new shaving product. The Features and Benefits of the M3 POWER are listed below. I've taken the liberty of replacing "blade" with [N] and "to shave" with [V].
Features and Benefits:
Gillette M3Power features Micro-Power™, a gentle pulsing action powered by a Duracell AAA battery.
The pulsing action stimulates hair upward and away from the skin, making it dramatically easier to [V] more thoroughly in one easy power stroke.
The [N] are enhanced by a new coating process, called "thin uniform telomer," which provides a perceptible improvement in [V] comfort throughout the life of the [N].
The [N] cartridge features an Indicator® Lubrastrip™ infused with Vitamin E and Aloe for added moisture.
A new handle features strategically-placed gripping surfaces that enable men to [V] confidently and safely at any angle. The power button is centrally located on the handle for maximum control, and the Duracell AAA battery is easy to insert and replace.
The [N] is shower-safe, allowing a man to [V] wherever he prefers.
Do these people have no subtlety?
But wait, there's more. There's a pulldown menu up top, which allows you to check out Gillette's other quality grooming products. One thing led to another, and suddenly I found myself at the Gillette Venus website, where I learned my secret Divine Goddess Name.
I am a Radiantly Yearning Aspirer who Nurtures. I've been hiding that for so long. I have other secrets as well. I am a Refreshingly Independent Character who Has Absolutely Rare Determination. And everyone in my immediate family is an Obligingly Versatile Explorer who Recognizes Breathtakingly Enthusiastic Youthfulness.
I mean, really, who can disagree with that?
Go find out for yourself what you've been hiding all this time. Inquiring minds want to know. And before you leave the Land of Goddess Names and Irresistible Trivia Games, remember one thing: a computer programmer was paid to do this to us. Who do you think is more debased and filled with self-loathing? The marketer who ran a focus group to compile a list of affirming, sexy, and strong descriptors for every letter of the alphabet, or the coder who had to write the algorithm for generating meaningful sentences?
Posted at 08:37 PM to Humor, My so-called life | permalink | Comments (5) | TrackBack (1)
Wooden Man Ablaze
Al Gore gives an eloquent, passionate speech at NYU. If you have Real Player, watch the speech here.
There is good and evil in every person. And what makes the United States special in the history of nations is our commitment to the rule of law and our carefully constructed system of checks and balances. Our natural distrust of concentrated power and our devotion to openness and democracy are what have lead us as a people to consistently choose good over evil in our collective aspirations more than the people any other nation.
Our founders were insightful students of human nature. They feared the abuse of power because they understood that every human being has not only "better angels" in his nature, but also an innate vulnerability to temptation - especially the temptation to abuse power over others.
Our founders understood full well that a system of checks and balances is needed in our constitution because every human being lives with an internal system of checks and balances that cannot be relied upon to produce virtue if they are allowed to attain an unhealthy degree of power over their fellow citizens.
Listen then to the balance of internal impulses described by specialist Charles Graner when confronted by one of his colleagues, Specialist Joseph M. Darby, who later became a courageous whistleblower. When Darby asked him to explain his actions documented in the photos, Graner replied: "The Christian in me says it's wrong, but the Corrections Officer says, 'I love to make a grown man piss on himself.'"
What happened at the prison, it is now clear, was not the result of random acts by "a few bad apples," it was the natural consequence of the Bush Administration policy that has dismantled those wise constraints and has made war on America's checks and balances.
I wonder if journos will pick up on the actual substance of this speech. The left media will emphasize the call for resignations, the right media will obsess over the freakishly Deanesque still-shot of Gore at his most passionate moment. But this was not simply a call for resignations, nor was it a frothy rant from left field. It was the most serious attempt I've seen to put the Abu Ghraib scandal in context, to link it to the policy decisions of an administration, and to question how the United States maintains its status, negotiating power, and security in a world community. Thanks, Al. I really wish you were president right now.
Posted at 11:15 AM to Politics | permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
May 25, 2004
The Slippery Slope to Miscegenation
Justin: It's hard to test this with just a trackpad. Can I borrow your mouse?
Ryan: Sure. Here you go.
Justin: Man, that's weird.
Ryan: It seems wrong, somehow.
I wonder if there are geek-fetish-porn websites for this sort of thing. Forbidden love between Vaio laptops and Apple accessories. Hardcore and UNCENSORED.
[Note: Yes, translation is driving me mad. And yes, I will be done translating soon. As in tonight.]
Posted at 10:21 PM to Geekstuff, Humor | permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBack (2)
May 24, 2004
Bruce Campbell, do I have a job for you
Sometimes Buddhist scriptures read like brainstorming notes for B-movie horror flicks. Tonight's favorite paragraph from the Peacock Sūtra:
阿難復有八大羅剎女。飲血噉肉惱觸於人。常守護菩薩入胎時生時及生後時。云何為八其名如是 牟訶 阿矢摩 等鳩釋棄 枳矢尼 甘蒲侍 阿蜜多羅 虜喜多馱 柯羅邏 此鬼飲血噉肉。常取童男童女及初產嫗家。恒隨逐人。或入空處或喚人名字。恒噏人精氣。無慈悲心。大可怖畏。
O Ānanda, there are 8 Great Demonesses. They eat blood and consume flesh and hurt people. They guard bodhisattvas when they enter the womb, during their lives, and after their lives. What are the names of these 8? They are: Mohā, Asīmā, Daṅkuśākṣī, Keśinī, Kāmbojī, Sumitrā, Lohitākṣī, and Karālī. These demonesses eat blood and consume flesh, and they kidnap little boys and girls and firstborn and old women and familiies. They constantly chase people. Sometimes they enter lairs in caves. Sometimes they scream people’s names. They constantly suck out people’s souls. They have no compassion. They are heartless. They are extremely terrifying!
Lesson learned: do not fuck with a bodhisattva. I had no idea that saving all sentient beings involved having a retinue of murderous, blood-drinking, flesh-eating demons as bodyguards. You learn something new every day in Buddhist Studies.
Posted at 10:08 PM to Buddhology | permalink | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)
