okay, i'm enlisting the help of my journal readers. if you know of a club in seattle that has a regularly-scheduled dyke night or dyke event, post it in a comment on this entry, k? why? because i KNOW there are interesting dyke happenings in seattle that aren't the LameDaisy...erm, sorry, the Wildrose. i just need to know when/where they are. i tried a few searches on the web, but didn't find anything useful. found lots of listings of queer, or queer-friendly clubs, but, like, i know that stuff already. i'm looking for things like girl4girl and Vibrator. (though, actually, i don't know when those are either, because i don't pay attention to these things.) girl4girl is...what, the third saturday of every month at the catwalk? i think? see how little i pay attention to these things? clue me in--the where/when of dyke nights at seattle clubs.

note: i'm keeping this at the top of the page for awhile so that there are ample opportunitites to give me answers.

Posted by zenslut @ 08:18 PM PST [Link][Karma: 11 (+/-)][18 comments]

Sunday, May 23, 2004
switching or choosing?

I've been thinking recently about what it means to have your feet in two camps on "opposing" sides of one another, but to identify with only one of them.

Is that vaugue? I'll be more specific.

If I'm being fully honest with myself, I'm (yet another) Bisexual Polyamorous Switch. Yet most times these days, I'm far more likely to tell someone that I'm gay (though I say "dyke"), and a bottom. I started thinking about this in terms of polyamory, too, because I have historically identified as polyamorous. However, I've had conversations in the last few months about that word in relation to myself, and fairly recently had another. Essentially, I think that a monogamous relationship would be ideal for me at this point in my life. That's quite a change for me, as I've really never HAD a monogamous relationship. I was kinda monogamous with my very first boyfriend in high school, but if I have to say "kinda" then, well, I "kinda" wasn't.

So here's what I'm thinking about: we can be people with preferences for things, choosing to engage in activities outside of those preferences. I may know in my heart of hearts that I am a polyamorous person, yet I may choose to engage in a monogamous relationship because that's what feels right for me at this point in my life. Behaving in a monogamous--INTENTIONALLY even--doesn't mean that I, Molly, AM monogamous. Current choices do not an identity make. Not necessarily.

I suppose there's the question of "well, if you're poly at heart, then why would you choose to be monogamous? Isn't that just not being true to yourself?" And again, I think "not necessarily." I think it would be less true to myself if I pursued a relationship style which doesn't currently fit me. It's like trying to fit into jeans that you wore 20 pounds ago. A waist can fluxuate over a lifetime, but it's important to wear the jeans that fit best TODAY. Those are the ones which are comfortable. Even if I tend to average around a size 18, if I gain a bunch of weight (or, hell, lose a bunch), that doesn't mean I should still try to wear the size 18 jeans if they don't fit my current body.

When it comes to bisexuality: I am, in my heart of hearts, bisexual. Yet I am choosing not to have relationships with men right now (and for the forseable future), because those are jeans which don't fit me these days. I suspect this is a size I'll stay at for a good long time. Can I still find jeans which are not my size appealing? Hell yes. Can I wear them? Well, I COULD, but I'd probably look like an asshole, and not be particilarly comfortable. And why would I do that to myself? Women FIT. And in reality, they've always BEEN what fit me. I think that's scared me more often than not. It was a little easier to slip into the well-worn, too-big, reliable jeans of relationships with men. But this is a new day, and I've pretty much sent those jeans to the Goodwill.

On being a switch: I got seriously scared off of topping about five years ago. I had a bad topping experience with a partner, before it occured to me that as a Top, *I* could call safeword. I was still very new to BDSM at the time, and I was probably just a smidge past 20 years old at the time, too. The bottom was someone I was visiting, and she was having some emotional issues (undiagnosed wacky brain-chemistry) while I was there, and I was essentially being verbally abused every night when she came home from work. Screaming, throwing things, personal attacks, and then 20 minutes later, she'd snap right out of it and cheerily suggest we go to dinner. I was hurt, and very confused by this whole scenario, and by the end of the week, frankly, I was rather pissed about it, too. On one particularly bad night, I was supposed to top her after dinner. It didn't occur to me that as the Top, *I* could say that I wasn't comfortable with it. It didn't occur to me that Tops are can be as emotionally invested in their scenes (and can be as emotionally effected by them) as bottoms. It didn't occur to me that *I* could be the one in bad headspace. So, naturally, I was. She was a bit of a black-hole bottom, too, and wanted more, more, harder, harder: more than I am naturally inclined towards and able to dish out. I found that by the end of the scene, in order to give her as much as she wanted, I had gone to a place of anger (drawn on from the verbal abuse of the week), and was hitting her because I was upset with her rather than because I wanted to give her the kind of sensation she was seeking. That experience scared me. Being prone to temper problems, I didn't trust myself to top anyone after that. That I could hit someone out of anger rather than caring seemed highly irresponsible to me. That was five years ago, and I haven't topped since. Yet, I do have a substantial store of toppish/dominant sexual energy. In my heart of hearts, I enjoy both topping and bottoming. I AM a Switch. But I don't choose to identify as such, because I have installed new hinges on the door; one that used to swing both ways now only opens in one direction.

I feel that I've experienced many sides of many sexual/relationship styles, orientations, and practices over the years. I've explored, questioned, acted, and now, I feel comfortable answering: Molly who has been (and remains in her heart) a Bisexual Polyamorous Switch, is currently wearing jeans marked Potentially-Monogamous Dyke Bottom. (Only "potentially" monogamous, because I'm still fairly flexible on that. "Monogamy" means different things in the context of different relationships, afterall.) I sort of feel like I've seen enough sides that I can make a pretty informed decision about what fits me and my life best at this point. And the reason I feel comfortable about making those decisions is that I understand that what I'm saying is "This is who I am NOW." Who I am in a month, year, or decade may be different. And that's okay. Sometimes you just need to go shopping for new jeans. And sometimes you drag the old ones out of the closet because they fit again. The important part is being honest with yourself about what size your body is today.

Posted by zenslut @ 11:03 PM PST [Link][Karma: 2 (+/-)][7 comments]

Saturday, May 15, 2004
life decisions

When I woke up on Wednesday morning last week, I decided that I want to buy a house in the next 5-10 years. When my mom comes to visit me this summer, we're going to go to a financial planner so that they can tell me what I should be doing with my money now to make that happen later. I'm waiting for my mom because I have some trust issues with people-in-general, and I just can't convince myself that a financial planner wants to do anything other than rip me off and encourage me to make bad decisions. So, mom is coming so that she can reassure me that no, really, these are good suggestions and I should listen to what they tell me.

I also decided that I want to start collecting art. I've already got a small collection going, but I want to add more. The thought here, other than "I like art" is that by the time I get around to buying a house, I'll have all kinds of fabulous things to hang on the walls.

Once I decided that I'm going to start pursuing the fine hobby of art collecting, I realized that I currently have no place to put art where I live. So today has been a massive deep-cleaning of my bedroom, and will be followed by a massive deep-cleaning of the office, attic, and work-area downstairs. I'm over-stuffed. I have too much crap. I got rid of about 4 bags of clothes from my closet that I don't wear anymore, and I found enough cat hair in the dark corners of my room that we could re-fur about three whole cats. My room is still in a massive state of disarray, but I decided to take a break and come check my email at sev's because our 'net connection has been down for the last 24 hours and I was fiending.

I did a vendor fair last night. Didn't sell much, but made some good connections, I think. I'm pleased with that. After the vendor fair, I hung out with Jonathon. We had dinner and then decided that we were both too tired to do much other than watch a movie. We ended up watching Calendar Girls, which was really pretty terrible. But it fulfilled the purpose we'd rented a movie for--"Let's get something that doesn't require us to think tonight." I also rented Midgets on Ice (okay, it's actually called something like "On the Edge", but I think my title is much better, and "Camp." I'm watching those tonight after I put my room back in something vaguely resembling order.

My boss and I are getting along better now, so I'm not going to have to toss her bitchass out the window anytime soon. I'm pretty happy about that. I imagine she is, too. Or would be, if she knew that landing face-first on the pavement was a possibility a couple of weeks ago.

Life is pretty good. I'm struggling with some of the side-effects of the Zoloft. Namely, that it's done SUCH a good job of managing my anxiety that I am having some trouble recognizing when I feel ANYTHING. I'm attributing this to the fact that I've become so bloody used to having any emotion be accompanied by anxiety or depression that when you take either or both of those elements away, I don't really recognize the emotions that are left. Last week was a real struggle not to cut, and my left forearm (where I've tended to cut in the past) was fucking itchy as hell. (And I don't think it was an allergic reaction to anything.) I'm waiting through this period, though, because I don't think the Zoloft has numbed me, or anything. I think I just need to re-calibrate my expectations in regards to what certain feelings feel like when they're not all muddied up by anxiety.

I flirted with a couple of girls at the vendor fair last night. I'm kinda hoping that one of them emails me, as I keep running into her everywhere, and I always remember her because she's ALWAYS cute. She's also a burlesque performer with one of the kickass troupes around here. She's a geek (audio/radio geek), she's totally On The Level with regards to contemporary feminism, and she's fabulously interesting. And cute. Did I mention cute? She's cute. Um. Anyway. I should shut the hell up, now. Maybe she'll email me. That would make a Molly happy.

...as would going home to finish my deep-cleaning project. Off with me.

Posted by zenslut @ 09:20 PM PST [Link][Karma: 6 (+/-)][6 comments]

Saturday, May 8, 2004
julia, julia, where have you gone?

Why have you vanished off of my lawn?

So, yeah, I went away. I'm not necessarily back, per se, but I've got some time so I figured I'd update.

The job is going fairly well. Not really digging the new boss, but I'm trying to remain optimistic that this will change.

The love life is non-existant. *shrug* I can't say I don't care, because I do, but I find that I care less and less. So I'm not with anyone. So what? I've got a good job, a pretty successful photography career on the side, and I've got some DAMN good friends. What the hell else do I really need? I mean, food, clothing, yaddayadda. (And, of course, extra spending money to pay for my bad music habit.) So I'm not finding success dating. Eh. Sometimes, you just don't. Fighting that is just a waste of time.

My photography work is currently up at Toys in Babeland, through the end of May. w00t! I'm also getting work together for a book that will be out in October of 2005. I'm pondering doing some investigation on self-publishing a book of my own work. After August, my car will be paid off, so I'll have some extra money lying around to save for a project like that. I *think* I might be able to do it for around $2000, since everything is black and white, and since I won't have to hire a designer to do the layout. With what I'll be saving from not having a car payment, I SHOULD be able to do that within a couple of months. But I should really get my forms into the copyright office before doing any publishing of my work. I've also been meaning to take my work over to the local dyke bar to see if they'd put my work up. And, I'm doing another vendor fair next Friday. It's really great that my photography stuff is going so well. It makes a Molly happy. Also making a Molly happy is the fact that I'm making some GREAT printer connections at my new job. So when I get around to pulling together a book of my work, I have someone in mind to use. And since they know me THROUGH the job, I'm hoping he'll cut me the same kind of deal that he cuts my employers. He underbids all the other printers I get bids from by about half.

I got a new tattoo a couple of weekends ago, with miss Ju-Lie. It was just a random sort of thing. She and I have actually become the Two Queens of Random, lately. Last weekend, we drove up to North Bend and she took about 4 rolls of pictures of me naked on some train tracks. The best part was when a Camero (a bitchin' one, even) drove by. I'm sure the driver could totally tell that there was a naked girl on the train tracks. It wasn't like there was heavy tree coverage between the tracks and the road.

I've put some new photographs up on my site recently:
B&I; #1 (contains nudity)
B&I; #2 (contains nudity)
B&I; #3
Leo Rising (contains nudity)
Aquarius Moon
Erin of the light and dark
Pandora's Box
Heavenly Creatures #1(contains nudity)
Montana II (contains nudity)
Montana III (contains nudity)
Fat (contains nudity)
Where The Sidewalk Ends

I have more, too, but those are the ones which have made it online. I really like "Fat" because, well, it's my fat. I know some people might find this absurd, but I really love my belly, with all of its jiggly fatness. I don't know, I guess I just think it suits me.

Life in general? Pretty fucking good. Not perfect, but I may have successfully stopped expecting it to be. Oh, and I've started taking Zoloft. That has seriously done WONDERS for my anxiety. I can identify which things are reasonable to worry about and which are not. I can then say to myself, "Self, stop worrying about that irrational thing because it's irrational," and then--(and this is the amazing part)--THEN I can actually DO that. It's fucking great. My mom asked me if taking Zoloft had made me happier, and I told her that no, it hadn't. I don't think that's what drugs are supposed to do. It's helped me find baseline, though, and deal with my emotional responses in a way that is healthier and more rational that I was previously capable of. THAT is what has made me happier. The drug just helped me make that change. I feel more clear-headded, and not bogged down by my own baggage. It's not that there's anything WRONG with baggage--we all have it--but it's like...I can carry mine now, instead of tripping over it all the time.

So, that's your brief Molly-update. Perhaps I'll return to writing in this more often. Or, perhaps not.

Posted by zenslut @ 04:46 PM PST [Link][Karma: 4 (+/-)][4 comments]

Thursday, April 8, 2004
workaholic

In the absence of satisfying romantic entanglements, I am burying myself in work. I've discovered that I'm actually a good print designer, particularly when I get to use my own photography for such. It's funny to me that this is the case, because when I was in design school, I know that my fellow students felt sorry for me because I was such a crappy print designer. I always pretty much agreed with them. I think I just have a different style than they did, though. I don't DO that kind of "hip, urban, cool" design. I do corporate design, which is pretty boring design, but I think it makes me a little more consistantly employable. A lot of my fellow students are now working at Starbucks, and I don't mean in their corporate offices doing design work. But I've been employed since leaving school, with the exception of my year off post-drugstore, and I've always had more freelance work than I've been able to handle. There are benefits to doing the kind of design that makes you The Man's bitch.

I started taking Zoloft yesterday. We'll see how that goes.

I took some pictures of a baseball yesterday. Looking at the scans, I realize that I am a pretty good product photographer. I'm good at sexualizing and romanticizing objects. Benefits, too, to being a good little consumerist/capitalist.

I'll likely be posting a lot of photographs here in the coming weeks, since that's about all I feel I have to offer the world these days.

Oh, but in other news, I *heart* Chloe. She rocks the party. :)

Posted by zenslut @ 07:24 PM PST [Link][Karma: -2 (+/-)][6 comments]

Sunday, April 4, 2004
quiet on the home-front

I know. I suck. I disappeared. I don't write, I don't call, and I don't update my website very much anymore. I'm a horrible person.

What's happened is that I can't really update this journal from work because I have to visit a URL with "zenslut" in it to do that, and frankly I'm just not comfortable doing that from work. I've been playing in a different online journaling forum from work. So how come I'm not linking to it from here? Dunno. Don't feel like it. Enterprising individuals could find it easily enough. Some already have.

I'm doing pretty-okay these days. I've been having some big emotional ups and downs, but I've been having some really good, really important conversations with people as a result, so overall I can't really complain. The air is clearer than i was before. I've also been burying myself in work; not my day-job so much, as I'm sticking to 40 hours a week there, but I've been doing another 10-20 (more like 20) on photography in addition. I've been getting a decent amout of social activity happening, too, so I feel fairly well-balanced. There's part of me that would love to be dating, or at least getting laid, but I don't think that's what the Universe has in mind for me these days, so I'm just going with what I've got--work, friends, cats, and good cookware for making soups and chili. If the stars don't want me getting entangled with anyone sexually, then who am I to fight them? Something will come along when it comes along, and perhaps then I'll adjust my priorities. But for now, I'm pretty damn happy with what my life has in it. As a result, I'm trying to catch up a bit on some of the fun photography projects that I've been talking about for several months. Hopefully one of these days soon, I'll get to do a shoot with Aileen in her apartment. Her windows and bookshelves will make excellent backdrops for some dark, quiet, moody nudes, I think.

I get two days off this week, which is fabulous. I have to say, it's wonderful working for a Jewish organization. We get 20 days off this year. I'm hoping to do something fun with some of the days off I have coming up. I don't know what yet. Maybe I'll clean my room. I guess maybe that's not "fun", but it does make me feel really damn good.

--
Understand what I've become, it wasn't my design.
And people ev'rywhere think, something better than I am.
But I miss you, I miss, 'cause I liked it,
'Cause I liked it, when I was out there. Do you know this?
Do you know you did not find me. You did not find.
Does anyone care?
: The Cranberries

Posted by zenslut @ 10:21 PM PST [Link][Karma: 6 (+/-)][8 comments]

Saturday, March 20, 2004
on feeling sexy

i was writing in my paper journal, and pondering on the topic of feeling sexy in relation to the people i've slept with. i asked myself when the last time was (other than the last person i was seeing) that i felt genuinly sexy and attractive to whomever i was sleeping with. i then sat in silence, staring off into space for a full ten minutes, unable to really think of anyone that i'd felt that way with in the last couple of years. which really goes a long way towards explaining why it was that the last person i was involved with managed to affect me as she did; if it had been over two years (perhaps longer) since i'd felt that anyone i was sleeping with (or dating) with any consistancy was attracted to me, then jesus fucking christ--of COURSE i'd be really excited about someone who, ya know, WAS.

so i ended up making a backwards chronology of people that i could remember sleeping with in the last two-or-so years, and then a column next to their names of how i felt about the experience at the time we fucked. in a list of roughly a dozen people, there were three that, without hesitation, i said that YES, i felt sexy with. who i felt desired by. who i didn't have immediate qualifiers for. glancing down THAT very short list, there was a glaring commonality: all three of them were butch tops.

i knew i had developed a preference for those women, but i guess i'd never really linked that back to how it makes me feel about myself when they like me back.

as a point of reference, here's how i described how i felt about some of my other sexual experiences in the last year:

(this was to answer the question "did i feel sexy and desirable during/after/because of this interaction?")

- yes, but i was uninvested.
- yes, but i was in a bad headspace.
- no, but how often does she feel like having sex? better take it while it's offered.
- no. bored. manipulated.
- yes, but force-of-habit, and i felt like i was expected to fuck her.
- no, he was ambivilant about my body-type.
- yes, but it felt sisterly.
- NO. perhaps if he could have kept it up, EVER...
- no. i could have been anyone. i was a glorified sex toy.
- no. it was maintenence sex.
- sometimes. didn't feel consistantly desirable because of being erratically rebuffed.

it seems obvious that one should only sleep with people (or engage with them in a sexually-charged way) when one wants to, and feels sexy with whomever is involved. looking down this list, however, apparently that's not been obvious enough to me. i've slept with people when i was in a bad headspace and really should NOT have been sleeping with them, but couldn't figure out how to gracefully bow out of something i felt i'd committed to. i've slept with people because they were so rarely interested in fucking me that i figured i'd better take the opportunity while it was available. i've slept with people simply because i was dating them, and isn't that what people do when they're dating? i've slept with people because it was easier to fuck them than not to. i've slept with people because i was bored. i've slept with people because i felt like i was supposed to. i've slept with people because they expected me to.

how, in all of that, was i ever going to be able to figure out if i WANTED to be sleeping with someone or not? what, in any of that, has to do with desire, attraction, or sexuality? i haven't been having sex; i've been having a sort of naked neurosis.

and, in realizing the commonalities linking those who i've fucked, and felt good about fucking, for whom there were no qualifiers, it seems glaringly obvious that i should not be sleeping with femme girls anymore. or at least right now. because i can't believe it's a coincidence that the sexual experiences i felt good about were ALL with women who are kinky, butch tops. those women, (the few i've managed to find), seem to appreciate me in a way that i crave being appreciated. whether i date them, fuck them, or simply let them beat the shit out of my tits, every time, i have walked away feeling desired. do i feel desirable on my own? absolutely. but there's a subtle difference between feeling desirable and DESIRED by someone. i can think i'm the sexiest thing on the planet, but it's really fucking nice when someone else agrees with me--someone that *I* find sexy, that is. there's a sort of validation in there--a validation that i can, indeed, have what i want. because i fucking deserve to, goddammit. i can think that all i want, but seeing it in action is another thing altogether. and it's something that i think is incredibly important.

so. does this mean a decision has been made? perhaps. perhaps along the lines of trusting my instincts, and not fucking anyone i feel in any way uncertain about. and DEFINATELY no one that i feel expected to fuck. but mostly? no one i'm not attracted to. and NO ONE who is unclear about their attraction to me.

standards. sometimes having them means you don't get laid as much, but i think it ups the quality of fucks when one gets around to having them.

Posted by zenslut @ 08:54 PM PST [Link][Karma: 2 (+/-)][6 comments]

Sunday, March 14, 2004
oh no you didn't

clue: passive-agressive behavior is NOT the way to get my attention.

Posted by zenslut @ 10:17 PM PST [Link][Karma: 11 (+/-)][Comment on this]