Silflay Hraka

Turns out that one of the more celebrated members of the Lewis and Clark expedition was from my hometown.

Not that you would know from visting there, though. If you judge a town by its historical markers, the only Louisburgian...Louisburgite...Louisburgundian...Hick of any stature whatsoever was a minor 19th century writer by the name of Edwin Wiley Fuller, author of "The Angel in The Clouds" and "Sea Gift," the electronic version of which can be found online.

Oddly enough, he appears to have advice for bloggers wishing to draw an audience.

All the attention you give must be entirely gratuitous, except what I shall gain by tickling the selfish side of your nature; for I well know that you like or dislike a book in proportion as yourselves are flattered. This flattery, however, must not be the result of the author's effort, but your own. If the persons told of are beneath you in morals or intellect, then it is pleasant to reflect on your own superiority.

Working from home today, or rather from Rock Hill, as we decided to drive down last night and avoid the Friday traffic on 40. It's gotten to the point, especially now that we've installed the Raritan Remote Client, the Avocent not being able to function in the UNC network environment for more than 8 hours at a stretch, that all I need to perform 95% of my job from anywhere in the world is an Internet connection.

Right now, for instance, I'm kickstarting a Linux Server--something that would have required my physical presence in the machine room less than...I don't know how long exactly. Say, less than five years ago, but more than two.

As far as the future goes, the time spent working from home will only increase. My boss is already at the point where he only comes in on days when he has a meeting, and it looks like traffic and gas prices will only get worse. It's not a long drive, but I figure I'm saving $2 in gas every day I spend typing from the guestroom as opposed to the office

One would think that higher gas prices would mean less traffic--Certainly the people in my office are driving less--but the number of cars on the highway doesn't seem to have been affected yet, and I can't find any studies that flat out state that more expensive gas equals less traffic. I wonder if wonder if gas prices would have to be historically high even after they've been adjusted for inflation to have such an effect. If I'm reading this graph right, the price would have to rise to near $4.20 a gallon before it reached such a level.

I am sure that many of you go to the movies with some regularity, or maybe you are members of NetFlix or something like that. I know that I go to the movies once every other week or so. Well, FilmWise has a way for you to test your movie recognition skills. They have taken still frames of a movie scene and your job is to identify the film in which the scene takes place. The trick? They've cut out all the actor's and actresses identifying features. It's quite addictive. I've managed to get 4 or 5 correct for each set of 8, but have not managed to get all 8 out of any set just yet. There are 82 different quizzes, so I'll keep trying. Be warned: you could do this all day.

Okay, BigWig, identifier of creatures weird and mysterious. Here's a task for you. See if you can identify the critter in this story. Wait! It's a ... : Unidentified creature stumps experts.

The 89th edition of the Carnival of the Vanities is hosted by Read My Lips this week.

If you'd like to host the Carnival, drop us a line. Information on how to join the Carnival can be found here. If you would like to be added to the Carnival announcement list, send an email to cotvanities-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

Upcoming Carnival stops include

June 9th Ambient Irony
June 16th Jessica's Well
June 23rd A Single Guy In The South
June 30th quasi in rem
July 7th democrats give conservatives indigestion
July 14th d-42.com
July 21st Soundfury
July 28th - Jeff Doolittle
August 4th - Seldom Sober
August 11th - The Smallest Minority
August 18th - Fringe
August 25th - Ego
September 1st - Blogo Slovo
September 8th - Food Basics
September 15th Silflay Hraka - The One Year Anniversary
September 22nd - The Eleven Day Empire

Be sure to check out the Carnival's offspring:

The Bharteeya Blog Mela
Bonfire of the Vanities
Carnival of the Capitalists
The Kissing Booth
Carnival of the Canucks
The BestOfMe Symphony
The Carnival of the Cats
Carnival of The Consumers
The Tangled Bank
The Carnival of The Liberated

Anyone have a Wiggles message board login? They've linked to Hraka here, but registration is restricted, so I have no idea why or to what.

It's very annoying.

Howell Raines on John Kerry: It's as if Lurch had gone to Choate.

Link Via Insty

The Fourth edition of The Tangled Bank, a bi-weekly CoTV scion focusing on biology, has been posted.

My sister's band now has a blog, which ought to improve familial communication a great deal.

I occasionally run across a real musical gem, thanks to the eternal random play iTunes is set to. Sometimes a song raises serious questions, such as,"Is it possible to find a pop song with lyrics worse than those of Tom Jones' 'The Young New Mexican Puppeteer?'"

Two all Beef Patties,
Special Sauce,
Let him freeze,
Pickles, Onions on a Sesame Seed Bun.

Fighting aliens with other aliens in South Florida

Best Japanese a capella version of a Nirvana hit ever. It takes a while to download, as I suspect everyone and their brother are visiting the site, but it's worth it.

Other works of this heretofore unsung genius can be found here, including a kicking version of 'Round Midnight for the jazz fans.

Now that the June 30th deadline for the sovereignty handover in Iraq is less than a month away, the U.S. needs the Iraqi Governing Council to demonstrate its independence.

Voila! The Iraqi Governing Council demonstrates its independence.

Mr. Yawer was appointed president after another Governing Council member, Adnan Pachachi, refused the post early Tuesday. The deadlock over the presidency arose when the chief American administrator here, Paul Bremer, and the U.N. envoy to Iraq, Lakhdar Brahimi - both of whom supported Mr. Pachachi - objected to the Governing Council's decision to support Sheik Yawar.

How very convenient. It's hard not to see the whole Pachachi/Yawer dance of the past couple of days as a carefully managed gavotte, an intricate series of steps with only one end in mind--giving the new Iraqi leadership a dose of badly needed street credibility prior to the handover.

From the coverage given the announcement today, one might be forgiven for thinking that Sheik Yawer is a prickly independent along the lines of Ayatollah Ali Al-Sistani, rather than, as William Safire pointed out yesterday, a U.S. educated businessman, not to mention the Kurdish choice for the post to begin with.

Had the elderly Adnan Pachachi been chosen by the Council, the choice would have been decried as yet another example of the U.S. reserving real power in Iraq for itself. The choice of Yawer for what is after all a figurehead position gives the U.S. an easy propaganda victory at no real cost.

God knows we could use more of them.

This story is bizarre. The man apparently killed himself after his wife caught him having sex with a hen. To make matters worse, the hen was later slaughtered. Talk about a bad day, this hen wakes up, get humped by a Zambian man and then gets killed. At least pictures haven't turned up with U.S. Army Pfc. Lynndie England smiling and pointing at the hen with a collar around its neck. And is this considered cruelty to animals if the hen was asking for it?

A British politician is urging the government to adopt a tail bounty on grey squirrels in the U.K.

Liberal Democrat frontbencher Lord Livsey of Talgarth branded the greys as “pests.”

“Grey squirrels should be cleared out of designated areas so that red squirrels can flourish there and will the Government consider the setting up of a fund to save red squirrels and a pound ... for every grey squirrel tail presented.”

Won't work. Pay a pound per grey squirrel tail and eventually some enterprising person will begin breeding them for the bounty--essentially increasingn the population.

If Lord Livsey really wants to protect the red squirrels of Britain, he should convince the government to offer a pound per tail bounty on them.

In Prudie's mailbag today.

Q. My brother is getting married for the first time this summer, and I'm very happy for him. He and his bride-to-be spent some time last year at an exclusive mansion at a lake in the mountains, and they thought it would be the perfect locale for their nuptials, although they live in a different state. Only about 20 family members and extremely close friends would be in attendance as the joyous culmination of a week together for a "vacation." Tedious wedding details snipped. I finally asked my brother to bottom-line it for me a few days ago. He said the rent for the week is a whopping $10,000, but he's paying for a chef, porter, and all the food for gourmet meals. Every room would cost more than $1,000. Now, Prudie, my brother has significant assets and savings, and he makes six figures. Why is he imposing costs on his wedding guests? Is our dismay appropriate? With one income and two small kids, we watch every penny. My brother says we couldn't stay just a day or two at the mansion because "it wouldn't be fair." My brother suggested asking Mom and Dad—in their 70s—to kick in and pay our share if it's a hardship. Not an option. My friends are horrified. I've found wedding etiquette articles supporting our side. Should we throw them in the happy couple's face and say, "NO WAY!"?

A: Yes, unless your yuppified sibling spent an equivalent amount attending your nuptials. If so, then apologize for being an ass yourself and ask him to rethink the whole Charles and Di thing--as you've now realized the error of your ways. If not, then some questions need to be asked. Was your brother this much of an ass before he met the current object of his affections? How has he changed since what's her name entered his life? Is his attempt to bigshot-it-on-the-cheap a reflection of newfound frugality or profligacy? Either way, it's because of her.

Ideally what you'd want to do is have someone else convince your brother that his wedding plans are flawed. Here's where the Internet comes in handy. Open an email account under an assumed name, like "ScrewThisTravestyOfAWedding@Yahoo.com" and send out a mass-email to as many of the potential attendees as possible. Be sure to include yourself in the "To:" line, as well as your parents, your brother, and the blushing bride. If there happens to be an invitee whom you don't care for, leave their address off--the ensuing suspicion will fall upon them.

In the body of the letter, point out that common wedding etiquette calls for the bride's family to pay for the housing costs for guests who travel to the wedding from out-of-state. Then accuse her family of being cheap gold-diggers. The wedding will either be moved, called off, or your brother will quit asking people to help pay for his marriage.

If none of the above works, make your reservations at the fancy mansion, then cancel them when a child suddenly falls "ill" on the day before you're due to arrive. "Wish we could be there, Bro, but the baby's been projectile vomiting nonstop." It's possible the resort in question will charge you a service fee for canceling the reservation, but that often only runs to about $75--far less than $1000. It that's still too much, put the reservation on a card you can cancel beforehand.

Q. My husband and I have a little disagreement going, and I think you can help. Are the photos in Playboy magazine touched up?

A. Yes, of course, they're retouched-and pro wrestling is fake, so don't come round asking me about that next week. Most of these women bear the same resemblance to their pictures in the magazine as the Pope does to Brad Pitt, and your husband knows it. If he's looking at Playboy offline, then he's sure as hell looking at porno online as well, and some of those women are skanky, hon. Take a gander at your computer's browser history one day--you'll see exactly where the dirty bastard has been typing one-handed.

Q: Recently my brother-in-law's significant other broke my beach chair by sitting in it. Their mutual friend broke another chair. Neither offered to replace the chair they had broken. Both chairs were relatively expensive. I am hesitant to say anything because both individuals are at least 300 pounds, and also because, at this point, it's been several months since it happened. Now that it is close to summer, I would like to buy new beach chairs. How should I handle this? Do you think it is OK for me to ask them to chip in?

A: Your "brother-in-law's significant other?" That would be your....sister? Or brother, I suppose, given the times we live in. No, you can't ask them to chip in--the time for that passed about five minutes after the beach chair structural failures, you spineless wussy.

In fact, you shouldn't buy any chairs at all, for two reasons.

1.) Having been spineless enough to let them sit in and break your chairs once, you'll probably do so again.
2.) You need to punish yourself a little. The discomfort of sitting on a towel in the sand rather than in a fully-equipped chaise lounge will be a useful reminder of your previous year's backbone collapse, which seems to me to be a far more important issue than a broken chair or two.

Plus, fat people hate sitting down on the sand. It's hard as hell for them to get up, so they'll probably buy their own beach chairs in order to prevent themselves from suffering through the dreaded sandy-roll-n-kneel.

If they ask where the hell the chairs are, then you may say, in your sweetest tones "You broke them, remember?" thus enabling negotiations over replacements to, finally, be opened.

Q. I would appreciate some clarification regarding when one is able to date without it being a form of deception or an adulterous act. Once a spouse moves out and divorce papers are signed by both parties, it is my understanding that the majority of states require 90 days and a court appearance to have the divorce become final. Is this the time at which a marriage is over—or is it when the spouse leaves and the paper work is signed by both parties?

A. All dates are a form of deception. You are pretending to be something you're not so as to get something, whether it's dinner, movie tickets, or a night in the sack, from another person who is in turn doing the same thing to you. Most men give up this deception after they've been laid a couple of times. Women do so the minute they return from the honeymoon.

As far as the adultery goes--it depend on who you ask. For the Old Testament God, and certain interpretations of the New Testament One, for that matter, the answer is yes, and always will be yes, divorce or no divorce. For the lawyers, it is if they can use it against you. For yourself....it is if you think it is. At that point you can begin rationalizing the matter so that you are able to do what you want to anyway.

A sample of what's Smelling up the Place at Fishing, Drinking Stinking

Git In Mah Belly
The Family That Tortures Worms Together, Stays Together
Grilling With Beer
%$#@!$ Kids
The Serpent And The Rainbow And The Beer

Yes Virginia, there is a Photoblog

Swimming Hole
Grandparents
A Moth With An Afro
Put Her In The Comfy Chair!

Some of what's Festering Underground at the Warren

Tom "WormTongue" Clancy
Can you say "Skanky Crack Ho"?
Al Gore Needs His Lithium
Which One Is The Dad?

Well, Memorial Day is nearly upon us and Summer is right around the corner and the weather outside is bright and beautiful. This time of year tends to bring to mind memories of Summer Camp and of lazing in the warm sunshine listening to the gentle slap of the river against the bottom of a boat. In my daydreams, I am back on the river, back in a boat, enjoying the company of good friends and cool beverages.

Now, I'm not the type to daydream anything half-way. I need to feed my daydream. I need to make it a little more concrete and detailed. I need a specific boat to include in my little mental painting. This leads me to eBay, the site where daydreams become reality. I browse through the various boating offerings on the site and happily picture myself and several bikini-clad vixens enjoying the sunshine out on the river. "One day", I think to myself. "One day I'll have my boat."

But not yet.

The bubble of my daydream bursts with the pinprick of cold reality. I can't have a boat yet. Why not? Because I don't have a vehicle capable of towing the boat. I have a 2003 Honda Accord. It doesn't have the horses to tow a boat. It doesn't even have a trailer-hitch. I need something with some horses. I need something with a hitch. I need a 4x4.

So we're back on eBay, but this time we're looking for a truck. My daydream has to have a little more reality, a little more detail. Otherwise I just can't be content with it. It has to be something concrete and specific. And I find just the thing: a 1987 Isuzu Trooper II. It's not new or in mint condition, but it's perfect for towing a boat. And for the annual fishing trip. And bidding is only at $600 dollars. It's a steal. Hell, with a fresh paintjob and a rebuilt engine, the damn thing will run forever.

Before I knew it, my bid was in. And I set my maximum bid a tad high, just to make sure I would win.

And then I woke up. What the hell am I thinking? I don't want a second vehicle. What about tags? What about insurance? Where am I going to keep it? With gas at $2.10 a gallon, why the hell do I want an SUV, especially a 1987 Trooper II with 138,000 miles and rust on the hood? And I really don't have anywhere to keep a boat unless I want to pay the marina at the lake $1200 a year to store the damn thing. And how often am I going to be going out on the damn boat anyway? And what if either one of the vehicles breaks down? How much is it going to cost to keep them running? Everyone knows that a boat is just a hole in the water into which you throw money. I don't even know any vixens willing to lounge around my boat in their tiny bikinis.

By the time all those thoughts had run through my head, utterly destroying my peaceful daydream, bidding was up to $800.00 and I am still the leading bidder by $200.00 and there are only 17 and-a-half hours left in the auction.

I'm convinced that I've just purchased an Isuzu Trooper II. But I'm praying to GOD that someone will come along and outbid me on this fine, worthy vehicle. Know anybody that wants to buy a Trooper?

Update: Six dollars. Six dollars separate me and my freedom. Lord, let someone else bid six more dollars on the Trooper and I will worship you all of my days.

Okay, so that's probably sacreligious. If so, I'm sorry, Lord. But pppllleeeasse let me be outbid! Twelve hours and counting...

Second Update: Outbid! Outbid with 30 minutes to spare!! But boy did I spend a restless night. I woke up at 1:45 a.m. just to check the status of the auction. No movement. Ugh. But I've finally been outbid!!