The following is a meticulously detailed recap of a news segment
that appeared on the Chicago FOX news affiliate on Wednesday, May 5th, 2004.

The topic was weblogs and it was called "Blah Blah Blogging." No, really.  

    

Robin Robinson is here to tell us all about this nutty blogging business.
Earlier in the newscast they ran a teaser about the "latest cyber craze!"

"How do you communicate with others? Do you use your cell phone, or emails?
Chat rooms? Instant messages? Well, there's a NEW way of chatting
without parting your lips: it's called BLOGGING."

It should be noted she says the word "blogging" like she can't stand to have it in her mouth.
You'd think she was talking about "ferrets" or "e coli."

Here she is enunciating:
"Buh-LOGGING."

Next comes the sound of a computer keyboard typed upon FURIOUSLY, presumably by a crazed blogger.
NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "Some call blogging a new way of communicating! But what IS it?"
This is a very good question, so why not ask the Random Person On The Street Who Wants To Be On TV?
There is some very snappy tappy-tap-tap-of-the-computer-key montage editing here.

"Sounds disgusting. I have no idea."
Tap-TAP!

"Blogging? I honestly don't know! I can't even think of a guess!"
Tappity-tap-TAP!

"Maybe like... clogging up the drains? [giggles]"
Oh, please. You know this kid has a LiveJournal.

Ha ha! What's this?! A clip from The Blob! Get it?! How it kind of sounds like "blog"?! GET IT!?
Are blogs from space? MAYBE! Run! Run away!

Clickety-click! go the mutant fingers of the future!
NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "The term 'blog' is a shortened version of 'weblog.' They've been around for years
but just recently thousands of people have used those sites to catalog the details of their lives
on webpages created for them, by them."
That quote is verbatim.

Here I am. Apparently blogs have something to do with me. They didn't post my site address,
but, then why on Earth would anyone want to visit a real blog when Fox News can just
videotape a computer monitor?

Okay, as soon as I get my book money I'm getting those front teeth capped. Jesus.

Whoa. You've seen this stuff onscreen before, only now it's on another screen
within yet another screen which is the same screen as the first screen. Or something.

NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "Wendy McClure says she was bitten by the blogging bug four years ago."
Um, no, I didn't.
"Since then, she spends an HOUR AND A HALF each week on her computer just blah-blah-blogging!"
What can I say? It's a craze.

Here is the very important walking-to-my-computer-and-sitting-down sequence:

I hope Fox News viewers will understand the computer has to be on.

They filmed some of the sites I was reading.

Oh, Maud Newton, I'm sorry to involve you in all this.

NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "Here's how it works: first you have to set up a blog page
on a site like LiveJournal.com or Typepad.com..."
No, I don't know why a close-up of my page is there either.

"...once you set it up, a simple check mark will make your thoughts available to MILLIONS OF WEB SURFERS."

That's right: the second you click on this button, your blog gets sucked from your computer
and pops up on the screens of millions of strangers on the netscaper cyberweb,
or, you know, whatever it's called.

Sensitive viewers are advised that the blog shown here uses the strong language.
Think of the children, you shitpigs.

NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "Wendy says once you start blogging, IT'S HARD TO STOP!"
I don't recall saying this, either, but guess I must have said something
to inspire the panic in her voice.

ME: "People are always under the impression--like, 'Oh my God, your whole life
is out there, and you're some crazy exhibitionist...' and it's not really that way at all."
See, I tried.

NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER: "Free blog spots are popping up all over the internet, giving web users a chance to communicate with others..."

It is believed this plug has something to do with it all.

NEWSCASTER VOICE-OVER CONT'D: "...without losing what's been written, like in a chat room."
And here Matt Weiler has to patiently explain the difference between a weblog and a chat room.
No kidding, they asked both of us about that.
It's like getting a squirrel confused with a mailbox because they're both on the sidewalk.

Matt gives a few of the several hundred empirical differences.
MATT: "As soon as you close a chat room, it's gone... but blogging is more like publishing."

It would have been great if they'd let him talk about this site he made, had they been able to graduate
beyond Typing Stuff In Little Boxes On The Internet 101.

Darlene Hill (who did the voice-over throughout the story) summarizes:
"Bloggers will tell you that just about everyone is into this:
if you have something to say, whether it's social or poltical, just log onto the internet and type away.
But EXPERTS say this way of communicating isn't quite mainstream--not yet, at least."
Oh, okay.
DARLENE: "Give it six months, and it will be."

If you say so, Fox News.

---

Believe it or not, though, I think this story was as good as could be expected. I'd like to think I came off like a normal person, and the crew they sent over was extremely nice--they listened carefully, and they lit me well, too. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who don't know what a blog is; I just wonder how many of them still don't know after seeing a story like this.

(More commentary on this can be found on my weblog.)

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