(2004-06-08) -- As a new resolution on Iraq moved toward unanimous approval in the United Nations Security Council today, radical Muslims, Saddam Hussein loyalists and members of other armed groups with no links to Al Qaeda laid down their weapons and returned to their previous 9-5 jobs determined to see democracy flourish in their nation.

"Finally, we have the legitimacy we crave," said an unnamed member of Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr's militia. "With the blessing of France, Germany and Russia through the U.N., we may now enjoy the fruits of freedom. I can't wait to give a flower to the first blue-helmeted U.N. peacekeeper that I meet."

(2004-06-08) -- Former U.S. President Bill Clinton today signed a $10 million contract with Knopf for his soon-to-be released eulogy of President Ronald Reagan.

Mr. Clinton was not invited to speak at Friday's state funeral for the 40th president, because he has yet to complete the 1,000 page manuscript of the eulogy.

"Clinton's eulogy for President Reagan is filled with personal reflections on his childhood in Arkansas and his tumultuous marriage to Hillary," according to a unnamed publishing insider. "It's packed with amusing anecdotes and a couple of brief, but powerful references to President Reagan--one in the third paragraph of page 437 and the other at the bottom of page 902. It's a majestic non-partisan tribute, which he promises will be ready later this year, or early next."

(2004-06-07) -- Just 54 years after President Harry Truman sent U.S. forces to invade the Korean peninsula, his exit strategy is showing early signs of success with the announcement that the U.S. will withdraw 12,000 troops from South Korea by the end of this year.

The move will leave just 25,000 U.S. military personnel in a post-war situation which critics in the Senate have called "a quagmire."

Senate Democrats, however, hailed President Truman's foresight and contrasted his foreign policy triumph with the Bush administration's poor planning in the month's leading up to the Iraq war.

"You can't just go storming into a country without a plan to get out," said an unnamed Senate Democrat. "Maybe now Bush will get a clue and learn some lessons from President Truman."

(2004-06-05) -- Former U.S. President Ronald Wilson Reagan died at home this afternoon at the age of 93, after a decade-long journey with Alzheimer's disease.

He is survived by his wife, Nancy, three children and several hundred million men, women and children in the former Soviet Union, and around the world, who were set free from the hopeless terror of communist tyranny through his steadfast courage and unwavering faith.

In addition to recordings and transcripts of dozens of the most compelling, sincere and influential speeches ever heard, President Reagan also leaves behind an America that is no longer afraid to call evil what it is, and to do something about it.

(2004-06-03) -- On the very day that CIA Director George Tenet's resignation became public knowledge, a series of events experts call "unrelated coincidences" simultaneously hit the headlines.

While the White House and Mr. Tenet both allege that so-called "personal reasons" spurred the Clinton-appointee's premature departure, insiders point to the following events as evidence that there may be more to the story:

-- Jennifer Capriati forced out of the French Open
-- Meteor hit over Washington state may be hoax
-- Canadian Anglicans affirm homosexual unions
-- Kurt Warner signs $3 million deal with New York Giants
-- U.S. cancer rates decline
-- Bush leaves country on European trip

"You don't have to be a conspiracy theorist to see the connections," said one unnamed expert. "I wouldn't be surprised if Valerie Plame's name comes up in all of this."

(2004-06-03) -- The White House cannot prove that CIA Director George Tenet has resigned, according to Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry, therefore "no action should be taken to replace him."

Mr. Kerry, who is also a U.S. Senator, called for a United Nations investigation into Bush administration claims that Mr. Tenet had stepped aside for "personal reasons."

"We've learned to look askance at CIA data interpreted by this administration," said Mr. Kerry. "Only the U.N. can legitimately determine the truth in this matter."

If the White House claim can be proved by a multilateral probe team, then Mr. Kerry said he would support appointing a new CIA chief with the advice and consent of the U.N. Secretary-General

(2004-06-03) -- Influential Shiite cleric Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani today gave tacit approval to the new Iraqi interim government, and MSNBC's fall lineup of news programming.

While the revered Grand Ayatollah's statement stopped short of a full endorsement of MSNBC's Fall 2004 schedule, it hinted that the network may achieve "popular acceptance" if its reporters and anchors can prove their "worthiness and integrity."

Mr. Sistani's support is seen as crucial to the success of virtually any endeavor, so MSNBC executives greeted the announcement enthusiastically.

"This is a major milestone for us," said one unnamed news producer. "Sistani can make or break a season by raising his eyebrow. I'm sure the Pentagon and the White House are almost as excited as we are to get his nod of approval."

Officials at CNN downplayed the significance of the statement, noting "we've had Sistani's backing for a long time."

(2004-06-03) -- Just days after beginning an ad campaign promoting Philadelphia's "gay nightlife", the city's tourism promotion agency has launched a new series of TV spots targeting the celibate market.

The 30-second TV ads contain three 'typical celibate tourists': a Roman Catholic nun, a Southern Baptist college student who has signed the True Love Waits pledge and a 'newly-celibate' San Francisco resident who's HIV positive.

"Philadelphia wants to cater to every preference when it comes to sexuality," said Meryl Levitz, chairman and chief executive of the Greater Philadelphia Tourism Marketing Corp. "Celibates love Philadelphia, because you can take in the museums and historic sites, and even though you're surrounded by people, we offer that urban coldness that reduces your chances of meeting someone who might expect more than a handshake. Plus, thanks to the coming flood of homosexual 'nightlife' tourists, your fear of contracting a sexually-transmissable disease will help you keep your commitment to celibacy during your stay in Philly."

Next month, the Tourism Marketing Corp. will roll out a series of ads designed to attract another small niche market -- faithful, married couples with three or more children.

"We had to really fight to get approval to run the family campaign," said one tourism official. "A lot of folks still look at monogamous, heterosexual relationships as a weird aberration. They didn't want us to encourage that kind of 'sexual diversity' in Philadelphia."

(2004-05-28) -- Former Vice President Al Gore, who has become a gracious, respected statesman since George Bush usurped his presidency in 2000, today said he has offered the Bush administration a "sensible proposal to bring peace with dignity to Iraq."

In the dignified manner that has become the hallmark of his public utterances, Mr. Gore urged all Americans to "rally behind the president's efforts to bring freedom and democracy to Iraq."

"We never want to say anything that would cause our enemies to question our resolve," said the itinerant professor. "I have quietly offered my ideas to the president, confidentially through the appropriate channels, and I trust that they will receive serious consideration."

Mr. Gore urged his Democrat colleagues in the Congress and elsewhere to "avoid the temptation to self-aggrandizement or political advantage through brash public criticism of this administration. We are, first of all, Americans. E pluribus unum."

(2004-05-28) -- Democrat presidential hopeful John Forbes Kerry today promised to add 20,000 more Military Police to the U.S. force to help protect enemy prisoners from abuse by existing troops, and another 20,000 to protect American civil rights at home.

"We have enough troops assigned to killing the enemy," said Mr. Kerry, "but there's a yawning dearth of troops to keep an eye on the troops, and to watch ordinary Americans at home to make sure they have enough civil rights. If elected, I will station troops overseas to monitor our soldiers, and soldiers on the streets of major American cities to enforce human rights."

Mr. Kerry conceded that, eventually, even more troops would be needed to monitor the behavior of the MPs and stateside 'street monitors'.

"If we're going to occupy cities like Baghdad, Najaf, Boston or Kansas City," he said, "we need to ensure that we're adhering to the highest ethical standards to avoid a repeat of my experience committing atrocities in Vietnam."

(2004-05-28) -- The success of the latest truce with revered Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr was guaranteed today by the traditional "firing of the holy mortars at the truce partner."

As nine mortar rounds rained down on a U.S. military base near Najaf, members of the Iraqi Governing Council (IGC) lifted cups of tea in a toast to the triumph of their latest efforts to appease Mr. al-Sadr.

"Now we truly know that peace has come to the holy city of Najaf," said Ali Rapteen-Kevlar, a spokesman for the IGC. "In Arabic, the sacred word 'truce' means 'a time of regrouping'. We know that we can trust our Brother Muqtada to honor the spirit of truce."

(2004-05-28) -- In a hypothetical match-up, Americans would choose the Democrat/Republican White House ticket of Senators John Forbes Kerry and John McCain, R-AZ, by 14 points over the incumbent Republican slate of George Bush and Dick Cheney.

However, voters would re-elect Mr. Bush by a wide margin if he were paired with Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-NY.

"The buzz these days at Republican gatherings is all about Hillary," said one unnamed party strategist. "Once Kerry suggested he liked McCain, we immediately saw the wisdom of a ticket that really opens the flaps of the so-called 'big tent'."

According to the anonymous source, the highlight of the Kerry/McCain vs. Bush/Clinton race will be the debates.

"The finale will feature each presidential nominee debating his own running mate," he said. "Kerry and McCain will give each other backrubs while Bush and Clinton tear each other apart, virtually ensuring a Bush/Clinton win as the ticket that best represents the spirit of America."

(2004-05-27) -- A reported truce proposal from revered Iraqi Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr calls for U.S.-led Coalition forces to pull out of the embattled holy city of Najaf, postpone a murder trial for Mr. al-Sadr and to build several new mosques because the cleric's militia has "run out of room to store holy weapons."

"Our most holy places are jammed to the rafters with sacred AK-47s, blessed RPG shoulder-launchers and 'Allah's own' improvised explosive devices (IEDs)," according to a letter from Mr. al-Sadr to the Iraqi Governing Council. "With all of these spiritual armaments stacked about, it's difficult for the muezzin to get a clean shot at a HumVee from the window of a minaret...in the name of Allah, the just and merciful."

An Iraqi Governing Council spokesman said, "This is the deal we have been waiting for. Once we appease our brother al-Sadr, and construct the new holy depots and bunkers...that is to say, mosques...we can enjoy everlasting peace."