RUMMY: We are 12 days into the war. Coalition forces have made good progress in that still short period of time. To get a sense of how coalition forces are doing, I think it's useful to put yourself in Baghdad, in the shoes of those in the Iraqi regime, and ask "what do you think they're seeing after 12 days of war." They probably expected it would be much like the first Gulf War. It seems an awful lot of people in the world expected that it would be a lot like the first Gulf War.
KIKUCHIYO: I did not send too few troops. I did not. Not not not not not. So that's settled, right? As you can see, we have drawn large arrows that all start at the bottom of our Iraq map and go towards the middle. These arrows cause Iraqi Military people to poo in their pants. Just imagine them, wiping it out, and thinking, "y'know, inspections were pretty much O.K." So think of those scared people and stop saying mean things about me. You people really make me go insane. If you write the word "quagmire" in one friggin' column I swear that I will personally come to your house and unleash some serious whup-ass on you. Jeez, you piss me off.
RUMMY: I don't think there's ever been a war where there haven't been people opining about this or speculating about that or second-guessing on something else. As I say, we're 10 or 11 days into this, and these things have kind of a rhythm to them, and right now we're hearing all of the complaints and concerns and questions. One of the ways you can get a sense of how knowledgeable people are is if somebody says that they were sent with half of their forces, which I read in one paper -- fact is, that's just not true. So if the person believes that, you can think, gosh, if he thinks he was sent with half his forces -- there hasn't been delays in any major thing.
Before this started, the president sat down in a secure video with General Franks and each of the component commanders before he made a decision to go forward, and he asked them a couple of questions. He said, "is this war plan a good one and will it win?" And each single person, every component commander, they said directly to the president of the United States on secure video, "absolutely."
KIKUCHIYO: You went and asked me, you little weasel bastard. Instead of choking you now, I will answer your question. Only later will you feel the wrath of the patriot act. With regards to the, "Aren't you a big jerk who is responsible for soldiers dying," question, I'd like to say: no. People always second guess pharmaceutical company presidents who become defense secretary and then start micromanaging warfare. Just because someone has been terribly mained, or some U.S. soldier is only getting one meal a week, or somebody was decapitated by an easily preventable attack on their flank doesn't mean that there weren't enough troops. It just means that the number of troops was not sufficient to protect that person. The overall time schedule, however, is intact. That's the important thing: the news cycle. Which is why I hate you bastards. I also know that my plan is a good idea because Tommy said so.
RUMMY: Sure. First of all, a plan is like a family budget. It's something someone sits down and devises, and then never lives with.
KIKUCHIYO: When you sit down as a family, you have to decide certain things. Like, "how are we going to control the rackets around Flatbush," and "what should we do about Meir Lansky?" You end up hiring some thugs that just showed up from Sicily, and you decide to put out a small contract on Lansky, and then the thing blows up in your face. All of a sudden, you've got all the families breathing down your neck, and the only way to solve the problem is to spend some serious dough to whack all the bozos. Things get that way. It's just the family business. I mean budget. Can we get that off the tape, please?
