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| "This is a good blog. This is the best blog. It is about god and the universe and those horrible screaming monkeys and that time I made a pizza out of an old tire and a can of whip cream. It is the Fafblog." - Fafnir on Fafblog |
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Fafblog picture of the week |
Sunday, June 06, 2004
Sunday Pie-blogging: Belle's birthday cheesecake edition
So Belle Waring has asked an interestin question which happens to be "Blah blah cheesecake blah? Blah cheesecake pie blah blah." Many pie scholars have debated the role of the cheesecake for some time now and it is long past time that we here at Fafblog confronted this thorny and controversial issue.
remembering d-day
"Ready to fight the Germans Giblets," I says to Giblets. "Oh you better believe it," says Giblets. "Oh those Germans better get ready for Fafnir and Giblets," I says. "For ol Faf and Gibs of the 171st armored balloon division," says Giblets. "And a proud balloon she is," I says. "The Germans won't know she is coming," says Giblets. "Unless they look up above the horizon," I says. "Which seems unlikely because how often do Germans do that," says Giblets. "Once a month to coincide with the full moon, or during matin rituals, I read," I says. "A strange people those Germans," says Giblets. "Wait do those Germans have guns?" I says. "Holy crap nobody said anythin about guns!" says Giblets. "What are they doing with guns! They could hurt people or even pop our balloon!" I says. "Run away!" says Giblets and we did.* Anyway. Thank you D-Day and everyone in it. Especially the Canadians. *We spent the rest of the war posin as cabaret singers in a French production of "No No Nanette." It ran for three years to terrific reviews! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 10:17 AM
Ronald Reagan: In Memorium
On Saturday afternoon, Ronald Wilson Reagan ascended bodily into heaven. Long may he be remembered, for single-handedly destroying the Soviet Union as it was poised to conquer the free world; for rising up in the form of a winged dragon and breathing the pestilence of AIDS forth upon the American continent; for his courage in providing arms to the people of Iraq, Iran, and Central America to defend themselves against the dark threats lurking in Iraq, Iran, and Central America; for his stunning tax reforms, which made jewel-bedecked sultans of the poorest paupers in the land; for his recklessly and disastrously bringing the world to the brink of global nuclear annihilation while following the dark whims of Biblical prophecy and astrological portents; and most of all, for coming to represent all our preconceptions of what America should and shouldn't be. Was Ronald Reagan the best president? No, nor was he the worst. But the important thing is that now, long after his passing, he can be idealized, transformed and transfigured by time and ideology into a symbol of everything we desire or loathe in America, so that Ronald Reagan the man is utterly erased and replaced with Ronald Reagan the Icon, a convenient projection of our most feverish motivations in animatronic Hall-of-Presidents form. When we keep our leaders larger than life, they become larger than our ability to rationally discuss them. We apply wondrous sobriquets, classifying the giants of the Oval Office with Catholic precision, making saints and Mysteries of men. Who can question the fighting spirit of the Happy Warrior, or the resilience of the Comeback Kid? The very invocation of their names becomes a sacrament or blasphemy, and as long as we keep their memories blown wildly out of proportion, we'll never have to confront them. And how much more comfortable that is for us. The danger of Reagan the man, after all, is that we might learn from him. The man was real - a flesh and blood president whose triumphs and failings might lead us to question our own preconceptions. Reagan the Icon exists only in our mind, a creature of our prejudices and ideologies - a figure from unhistory who threatens to teach us nothing. ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 3:29 AM Friday, June 04, 2004
Day after tomorrow? There are plenty of days after tomorrow when global warming doesn't exist!
Giblets has finally seen The Day After Tomorrow, and he has to say, boy, am I relieved! Giblets was worried that this "global warming" thing might be real for a while there but clearly it is some sensationalistic crazy Hollywood thing, like UFOs, Bigfoot, and the Holocaust. Polar ice caps melting? New York City slowly falling under an interminably rising tide? Giblets does not think so! Not when the CG effects on those giant tornados are so obvious. Giblets does not believe in the future extinction of thousands of plants and animal species, any more than he believes that Dennis Quaid can walk a glacier in a blizzard for two days and live! So out with the coal and greenhouse gases! Giblets has fossil fuels to burn and internal combustion engines to run in a consequence-free environment! Two percent of climatologists can't be wrong! ¶ posted by Giblets at 5:37 PM
a shining moment in the darkness
Yknow just when I was gettin down on this whole "war of choice turned into horribly failed state" thing, it is nice to see a new perspective that can cheer me up. Thinking man's blogger Andrew Sullivan astutely points out that the military in Iraq see the takeover of Fallujah by crazy fundamentalists as a positive thing: Since we have stayed out of Falluja and focused elsewhere, the mujahadeen have had their run of the town. As they have had no one to fight, they have turned their criminal instincts on the citizens...Andrew Sullivan says "Because of men like this - and my gut belief that people anywhere will choose freedom over slavery, given a real chance - I'm still a proud supporter of this war and an optimist about its future." Wow - leavin Iraqis to themselves to figure out Iraq! That really is an inspirin way to look at a justification for invasion, Andrew Sullivan. I too am still a proud supporter of this war. Wait. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 4:17 PM
Where have you gone, Ahmed Chalabi? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you.
Well I am back early from writin my novel. I had to come back early for many reasons not the least of which has been the sudden incapacitation of Giblets who is lyin bloated and pained in the livin room after drinking six gallons of V8. Oh Giblets! Cant I leave you alone for just one day? "Do not look at me," Giblets moans sadly. "I was once like you." But Giblets is not the only one who is in pain. So is my novel, an so is Ahmed Chalabi, a fine gentleman of Iraqi con man descent whom I have known and trusted for some time now. I first met Mr Chalabi yesterday when I began work on my thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, "The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea." Ahmed offered to be my literary agent an said he could get me a great distribution deal in Iraq. "Do you really think Iraqis will like my whaling epic Ahmed?" I asked Ahmed. "Yes, it will be easy," said Ahmed, "And it will be greeted as a best-seller." Ahmed's fee of $355,000 a month was a little steep but Ahmed knew all these great connections that would get my book to sell so it was really worth it! Chris kept sayin "No don't trust him he steals money from banks" but Chris is just a pro-Baathist lackey. Plus he is just jealous of my awesome whaling epic. But when the books hit the shelves yesterday afternoon they were met with a lot of skepticism and resistance. I just don't understand it! Ahmed told me Iraqis love whaling books. And now I hear he is under suspicion for plagiarizing my book and giving it to the Iranians! I was crushed until Christopher Hitchens explained it all to me last night over a couple bottles of wine. Now I feel a lot better. But what if with all our investigating Ahmed Chalabi for spying, and for stealing stuff, and lying to people, we hurt his feelings? What if we have driven him away in our foolish foolish pride? Ahmed come back! We cant succeed in our critical whaling-epic project without you! Come back, Ahmed! Come back! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 2:50 PM Thursday, June 03, 2004
Giblets is angry! (Wistful edition)
Giblets is angry! But why is Giblets angry? Is he really mad at all those things outside himself in the world, like hippies and bugs and lack of riches and babies? Or is he mad at something else? Maybe he is mad at something inside. Maybe he is mad at something somehow within Giblets, something that has picked at him sadly ever since he was a little Giblets. Maybe all Giblets wants is to love and to be loved. Maybe Giblets needs to learn to love himself. Maybe the only one Giblets really wants to bow before Giblets... is Giblets. Bah! Wistfulness makes Giblets angry! A thousand poxes upon you all for watching Giblets's wistfulness! Martial law is imposed! Tariffs and taxes on everything! All fruit is banned! Giblets is angry! So, so angry! ¶ posted by Giblets at 11:06 PM
Giblets is angry! (Petty Rage edition)
Giblets is angry! There is a bug here on the carpet and Giblets has been trying to squash it and it keeps getting back up! This bug defies death! What unholy force animates you, bug? What dark power moves your undead bug-limbs? Your continued existence makes Giblets so angry! Why must bugs exist? Earlier today I was spraying all the bugs on my porch with bugspray but they just keep coming! I have run out of bugspray and need to buy more! Fafnir says "Oh the bugspray is bad for the environment" oh well excuse me environment but you made bugs and you enrage Giblets! The environment has made Giblets angry! I hope you get climate change and die! And the heat! And the itching! And the noise! And the silence! And the light! And the sun! And rain! And fibers and plastics and infants and moving things and air! ¶ posted by Giblets at 10:23 PM
Giblets is angry! (Monkey edition)
Giblets is angry! Where is his monkey? Not the dancing monkey or the juggling monkey, the violin-playing monkey! Its violin is right here and it should have a monkey attatched to it! Giblets paid good money for that monkey and he will be entertained by it if it is the last thing that monkey does! Bring him that monkey! And another thing - where is my cocoa? Yes Giblets has a mug of cocoa right here but this is Nesquick cocoa, not Swiss Miss cocoa! Giblets will only drink Swiss Miss cocoa, and then only Swiss Miss French Chocolate cocoa. You are trying to pawn off your cheap crappy knock-off cocoa onto Giblets! Giblets will not stand for it! Bring me my cocoa! And where are my slaves? Thirteenth Amendment nothing, Giblets demands slaves! Slaves and concubines for Giblets! This is like the sixth or seventh time this week I have asked for slaves and monkeys and concubines and they have been tardy in their arrival! Giblets will tolerate this no longer! Bring Giblets his slaves! After all Giblets has done for you there is not much Giblets asks for in return, and that is a monkey. And cocoa and slaves and concubines. And drugs. And a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. A monkey and cocoa and slaves and concubines and drugs and a conscripted army to fling to war at my bidding. And he cannot even get that! Bring me my monkey! Bring me my monkey now! ¶ posted by Giblets at 9:47 PM
Giblets is impressed! (with the slickness of the Kerry campaign)
Not only has John Kerry issued a swift and strong response to the booting of George Tenet, but he prominently displayed the link to it on his website in what appears to be 6-point-font under the "News" tab in the upper-right-hand corner. Giblets may not like John Kerry, but he must grudgingly appreciate the slick campaign style and bold positions on foreign policy that have helped him energize the base and justify his clean sweep in the Democratic primaries. Giblets was also blown away by Kerry's latest ad in which he proposes to build a stronger, bolder foreign policy made entirely of smiling, grizzled veterans and starry-eyed blonde children. Very intriguing, Senator! Giblets presumes they are to be fed as fuel into some brilliantly-conceived veteran-and-child-powered foreign policy engine? Keep up with ideas like this and Giblets would almost consider voting for you - if Giblets believed in voting. ¶ posted by Giblets at 9:00 PM
Giblets is angry! (Steady Leadership edition)
Giblets is angry! Giblets is outraged at the firing at George Tenet! Personal reasons, Giblets's magnificent ass! And Giblets and his ass are apalled at the firing of George Tenet - an indeed strong and superb and resolute and kind-of-servant-you-like-to-work-with Director of Central Intelligence! More importantly, he was OUR Director of Central Intelligence, the SAME Director of Central Intelligence, and by changing leaders now we have sent our country's leadership into unsteady waters. What this country needs is steady leadership in times of change. Not intelligent leadership, not correct leadership, but steady leadership. Steadiness. Resolve. The resolve to keep doing what you are already doing, even if it is hopelessly boneheaded and wrong. In the face of such resolve, the terrorists will be cowed, fleeing into their terrorist hidey-holes, terrified by the tenacity of an opponent so fiercely determined to keep losing to them in the exact same way. But if we fire incompetant officials, we are not using steady leadership. We are attempting to "correct" our leadership. We are not staying the course. We are suggesting that there is some better course. Well Giblets for one is quite happy with this course! He knows it quite well and if it happens to veer into that ravine, he will be the first to inform you that his course is getting us to the bottom of the ravine swifter and surer than any other course out there! What's your problem? Are you a ravine-hater? Are you objectively anti-ravine? Giblets would also like to remind everyone who is gloating over the dismissal of the strong, resolute, and strong Director Tenet that this dismissal is most likely being celebrated by our terrorist enemies. Now that they know that things like terrorist attacks and guerilla bombings and wildly inaccurate prewar intelligence can bring down one of our nation's top terror-fighters, they will now act with more fervor against America, in an attempt to control the selection of our appointed officials. The firing of an inept cabinet official is a firing for terror. ¶ posted by Giblets at 6:12 PM
Giblets is angry! (Crazy Anti-Business Talk edition)
Giblets is angry! He is angered by cartoonish caricatures of "evil corporations" as oil-swilling people-crushing money-slurping soulless monsters who squeeze little old grandmas and eat the bones of the working man for breakfast. That is crazy left-wing Chomskyite talk which has no place in our sensible new world. So you can see how Giblets was outraged by the tapes released this week of Enron employees-slash-gangstas engineering the California energy crisis: "He just f---s California," says one Enron employee. "He steals money from California to the tune of about a million."Add to that the internal Pentagon email that suggests that Halliburton's Iraq contract was "coordinated" with Dick Cheney's office and it is becoming clear that Reality itself is becoming some kind of crazed commie. I mean, the Vice President pulling strings to get his oil buddies contracts for postwar reconstruction AND a giant energy conglomerate deliberately sabotaging a state's economy just to get richer? Come on, Universe. Giblets did not believe these kinds of paranoid fantasies when they were coming from Ralph Nader and he does not believe them coming from you. It just pisses Giblets off that God and Truth have become flaming socialists. But it figures - it's what they're teaching 'em at those lefty schools these days. ¶ posted by Giblets at 3:15 PM
Set the control to Giblets
"Gibleeeeets," Fafnir says to me this morning "I need you to take over the Faaaaaafblooooog." "I will do it!" says me, Giblets. "It is mine! It is Giblets's! It is Giblog!" "I must work on my one-thousand-chapter-long whaling epic, 'The Salt and the Crashing and the Salt: An Ode to the Sea,'" says Fafnir. "It is mine!" says me, Giblets. "It is all mine! Every word and letter and syllable! Every hyperlink and punctuation mark! Every comment is Giblets's!" "It is about whales and whaling and the sea," says Fafnir. "The first half is narrated by the whale. The second half is narrated by the sea. The third half is narrated by a Falknerian idiot man-child." "Nothing will ever wrest it away from the mighty fist of Giblets!" says Giblets. "No power on earth or in heaven! No fire or scourge of the gods! All will be laid low by my Gibletsian blogocracy!" "The character of the sea talks entirely in capitals," says Fafnir, "and in big 'WHOOSH' noises." "Bow before Giblets, Fafblog!" says Giblets. "Bow before Giblets FOREVER!" "WHOOSH," says Fafnir. "WHOOSH." ¶ posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM Wednesday, June 02, 2004
grapefruit
Some an Giblets were playin our newest favorite game "Grapefruits and Keyboards" when suddenly and for no particular reason the keyboard stopped working. "Huh," says me. "You think grapefruits are bad for keyboards?" "Impossible!" says Giblets. "Grapefruits are good for everyone! Think of the vitamin C." "Very true," says me. "We should put more grapefruit on it an see if it gets any better." So naturally we spent the next hour or so poundin grapefruits into the thing but it was funny! After a while the keyboard got even more broken and a loud regular beeping started comin out of the computer! "Oh no!" says me. "It is a bomb, in our very own PC!" "It is the terrorists!" says Giblets. "And you doubted the efficacy of the Terror Alert System!" "I'm sorry Tom Ridge!" says me. "Take pity on this poor penitent Fafnir!" "Run away!" says Giblets, and we do, into the Outside. So there we are for most of Sunday and all of Monday, sittin Outside, waitin for Chris to get back an fix our keyboard and defuse the bomb. "But who will Fafblog?" says me. "Maybe the Medium Lobster can do it," says Giblets. "The Medium Lobster is busy, at the symposium," says me. "At the symposium of higher beings." "I wish we could goto the symposium of higher beings," says Giblets. "But we cannot," says me, "because we are lesser beings." And we sigh. Later we get hungry and order a pizza but when it comes we do not have enough money and can only afford the garlic stix. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 3:06 PM Saturday, May 29, 2004
FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK! Fafblog interviews: AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN
Well it has all built up to this. I have to admit I can't believe it myself after all of the great people we got this week but there you have it! Tonight we get to interview an enormous pumpkin. I think it speaks for itself. FAFBLOG: Wow. It is an incredible pleasure to meet you, enormous pumpkin! AN ENORMOUS PUMPKIN: Indeed it is! I am quite enormous! FB: You certainly are! Ha ha ha! AEP: Quite an astonishly large member of the gourd family! FB: Indeed! Now, enormous pumpkin, first off let me ask you the question I know everyone has been askin you. AEP: Ho ho! Here it comes! FB: Will you be John Kerry's vice presidential candidate if he asks you to? AEP: Ha ha ha! Fafnir well of course I would be greatly honored to be even considered, but I can't think about those kinds of things right now, what with all my duties as an enormous pumpkin! FB: Well yknow I had to try! AEP: Oh, I know you did. After all, who wouldn't, seeing what an incredibly large pumpkin I am! FB: You are incredibly large! AEP: I weigh over 1400 pounds! FB: That's so many pounds! AEP: It really is! FB: Now I understand you are deliverin an address at the World War II memorial this Monday. AEP: That's true. It's a great honor, even for such a huge pumpkin. FB: Can you tell us what it'll sound like? AEP: Mostly silence, with some rooty settling noises, seeing that, as a pumpkin, I am incapable of speech. FB: That's very appropriate and thoughtful. AEP: I certainly thought so. FB: I also hear you have a book comin out! AEP: Yes! It has no title or words and the binding is pulverized after having been rolled over by my enormous bulk! FB: You are very, very enormous! AEP: I have a diameter in excess of twenty feet! FB: Thank you for talking with us, enormous pumpkin. AEP: The pleasure was all mine. Thank you all for bein a part of Fafblog Interview Week! Our next theme week will be Hitting Giblets With A Spoon Week in which every post for a week will be a sound file of Giblets bein hit by someone with a spoon. "Ow," says Giblets. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 11:59 PM
Giblets to America: Be more spiritual!
The Pope has called American life "soulless" and says there is a crisis of spirituality in our country. First, Giblets has this to say: shut up, Pope! No one is the boss of Giblets! Why are you not dead yet? Stupid old smelly old Pope! You smell! Also: the Pope is right. By accident! Giblets happens to agree with the Pope. America what is wrong with you? You need to be more spiritual, like Giblets. Giblets is so spiritual! Behold Giblets at the mall. Giblets connects with the souls and spirits of all things. "Buy me, Giblets!" they shout out to him. "Buy us, we are so pretty and shiny and new!" And Giblets reaches out to comfort and protect them, like a apirit-earth-mother-Giblets to its child. Look at this windup monkey! And this ice cream cone! And these imitation pants! And this toothpaste! And this plastic! Their souls sing to Giblets, and his soul flows out to them, in the form of dollars, and they flow back to him, in the form of stuff. Tomorrow they will break, and or he will tire of them, and Giblets will throw them out, and their souls will depart and flow afresh into the continuum of stuff, and the cycle begins anew. It is so beautiful. It is so Life. Giblets would cry now but that would make Giblets look gay. Flow with stuff, America. Embrace your spirit-selves. Be. ¶ posted by Giblets at 10:15 PM
Journalists: The next new front in the war against freedom against freedom
Recently a few distressed voices in the wilderness have been raised in alarm at the newest, darkest, and most dangerous threat to America's success in the war on terror: the media. Morton Kondracke recently pointed out that the media "is in danger of talking the United States into defeat in Iraq. And the results would be catastrophic." He goes on to pin the West's Iraq problems squarely where they belong: on the media's fixation with the Abu Ghraib scandal. How astute, Mr Kondracke! For it was in fact the press's obsession with military torture that allowed the the Shiite and Sunni insurgencies to claim whole cities from the American occupation. But what to do about this pernicious enemy within? Analytical wunderkind and concerned lover of law Glenn Reynolds muses, "Freedom of the press, as it exists today (and didn't exist, really, until the 1960s) is unlikely to survive if a majority -- or even a large and angry minority -- of Americans comes to conclude that the press is untrustworthy and unpatriotic." Quite true, Professor Reynolds. And America will likely need that angry minority if we're to inforce patriotism on our press, and end the nightmarish salvo of information and journalism that threatens to cripple the war effort. For this is not merely a war for freedom. Indeed, it is also a war against freedom - specifically, that freedom which seeks to destroy freedom. These concepts may be too complex and nuanced for the unsophisticated or Democrats to fully grasp, but the Medium Lobster will endeavor to explain. A free-loving society must protect not only its freedoms, but the society which enables those freedoms to be protected, for if that society was to be destroyed, then all freedoms would disappear. In order for freedom to persist, we must outlaw the freedom to destroy or damage society. Thus, freedom cries out for us to destroy those freedoms which would destroy freedom, such as murder, genocide, violent revolution, sedition, criticism of good wars, publication of disheartening news regarding those wars, criticism of the Commander In Chief during wartime, the teaching of seditious literature, obscenity, Many will still not grasp the importance of this, and will continue to read fifth column columns such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The New Yorker. The Medium Lobster would caution that those who do so only give aid and comfort to the forces of anti-freedom freedom. ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 8:46 PM
FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK! Fafblog interviews: JESUS
This is the latest interview in Fafblog Interview Week. We would have had it up earlier but Giblets an me have very very small arms and it takes a very long time for us to dig that hole for James McNew. Anyway. FAFBLOG: This is a really delicious corndog Jesus. JESUS CHRIST: Yeah, I like corndogs. FB: Y'know I heard that in California they have these corndog stands where they will make a corndog for you right there, fresh on a stick, and it is a fresh corndog, and it is the most delicious thing in the world? JC: That's gotta be a damn tasty corndog. FB: It is the Shangri-la of all corndogs. Now Jesus what do You think about gay marriage? JC: In my time I was strongly opposed to the practice of divorce. Divorce is rampant in America between heterosexual couples. I don't understand how barring more couples from marrying is "defending" marriage. FB: That sounds kinda squishy Jesus. JC: Maybe it is. FB: Intelligent Design is the latest hippest craze sweepin our schools. Should we replace teachin natural selection with Intelligent Design, or teach them both next to each other? JC: I think natural selection itself seems like a pretty intelligent design. FB: You are not givin me a lot of red meat here Jesus. JC: I'm sorry. FB: You would never make it on Hardball is all I'm sayin. Jesus who do You like in the next election? JC: I really don't like giving political endorsements, Fafnir. FB: C'mooooon Jesus! I wanna know who God wants me to voooooote for! JC: I'd rather not. I'm actually a big supporter of the separation of church and state. Give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's, and give unto God that which is God's. FB: Does that which is God's include a preference for John Kerry's veep pick? JC: No. FB: Awwwww. JC: Y'know, Fafnir, a lot of people really got the wrong idea about me when I came here. They thought I was all about gaining temporal power, about building a kingdom on earth. But it was the devil who offered me the opportunity to rule the world, and I turned that down. I told my followers that I wasn't there to build an empire, but even after I died they fought wars to expand empires that ruled in my name. FB: So what is Your position on the Iraq war Jesus? Does the Holy Spirit have an exit strategy? JC: I think you're missing the point. Acquiring earthly power for the sake of the church, making laws in my name - it's the last thing I want. I told them my kingdom was not of this world. FB: Is it on the moon? JC: It's - FB: 'Cause we're goin to the moon again Jesus! JC: [sighs] FB: It'll be awesome! JC: Yes, Fafnir. My kingdom is on the moon. FB: That's so great! Jesus and the moon, together at last. Are there robots in the kingdom of heaven, Jesus? JC: Sure. Why not. Later today we will have our final Interview Week interview up. The subject is a secret for now. All I can say is it a person of weighty and enormous import. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 4:46 AM Friday, May 28, 2004
terror jitters
So I have just learned from CNN that Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge an Attorney General John Ashcroft have released a joint statement clearin up their previous disagreements about the new terror alert. Huh! I woulda figured they'd of figured out these terror alert dealies together before they announce em, but I am not the terror expert here. Neither is Giblets. "The homeland is safer," says Giblets. "I have just shot a terrorist." "Giblets what are you doin shooting terrorists!" says me. "You are banned from the use of firearms in twelve states." "Gun laws are insolent," says Giblets. "When guns are outlawed only the outlaws will get to shoot terrorists." "That was not a terrorist!" says me. "That was James McNew of Yo La Tengo!" "Are you sure?" says Giblets. "I was pretty certain he was the long-haired white guy from the FBI release." "You have not killed an enemy of freedom," says me. "You have just killed the pulsin basswork behind America's premiere noise-pop band." "Eh," says Giblets. "They lost me with 'Summer Sun' anyway." Well we are gonna be busy for most of the evening buryin James McNew in our backyard (please do not tell anyone we killed James McNew readers. Lets just keep this between us). We will see all of you later. Giblets says to hide outside in the bushes and stab anything that moves til this blows over. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 6:46 PM
mo' troops, mo' problems
Two of my favorite bloggers, chili dog magnate Kevin Drum and misunderstood comic book dictator Von, have an argument goin about troop levels in Iraq and whether more troops and better planning could have helped salvage the war. Its a very good read, and Von is very right about the religion and money part (The main problem with peace is gettin people fat and happy. All things being equal people would rather stay fat and happy than be starving, miserable, and at righteous war with the enemies of God). The part that gets me angry is about troops. Everybody says we need more troops and we in fact do not have any more troops. Everybody hates the draft so that is right out. So what are we left with? Easy - cloning! Why are we not cloning our troops to create a vast army of super experienced clone troops? Because of pressure from Republicans and Democrats to ban human cloning! For shame, Republicans and Democrats! I wept when I learned I could not have a tiny miniature T. Rex all my own. I wept when I learned I could not have, say, fifty or sixty other Fafnirs to stock our next beach party. And I weep now for our national security. Your backwards superstitious ways have wounded America once again. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 12:12 PM
God bless Eugene Volokh
Only he could make the "Washingtonienne" thing, the kitchen-sized sex scandal that's hot as week-old lard and twice as sexy, cool again. Yes, Giblets is a closet free speech law nerd. ¶ posted by Giblets at 11:46 AM Thursday, May 27, 2004
FAFBLOG INTERVIEW WEEK! Fafblog interviews: OSAMA BIN LADEN
Fafblog Interview Week continues with an interview of Osama bin Laden. We have actually managed to interview him from deep in his secret lair somewhere along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border. Fafblog scoops Russert yet again! FAFBLOG: So Osama bin Laden, how's evil doin? OSAMA BIN LADEN: MWAHAHAHAHA! Oh, evil stands ready to triumph over good, little Fafnir! FB: Oh I do not believe that Osama bin Laden! Good will always triumph over evil. OBL: Not THIS time! This time I'm hatching my most diabolical scheme ever - my plot to elect JOHN KERRY president! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! I'm going to attack the United States in the next few months, forcing Americans to vote for Democrats! And nothing can stop me! [singing] Whatever O-sama wants... O-sama gets... FB: But why, Osama bin Laden? Why? OBL: Because of free trade. Free trade, affirmative action, abortion rights, equal marriage rights for gays, universal health care. Especially universal health care! Allah demands that martyr-blood flow in rivers through the infidel streets of America until the West has universal health care! FB: I had no idea you were such a policy wonk Osama bin Laden. OBL: For it is written, "Did not Truman put universal health coverage for all godless Americans in the Democratic Party platform fifty years ago? Let the gates of jihad be opened until every man, woman, and child is fully insured." FB: Osama bin Laden you are insane! You have to know that universal health care is a crazy pipe dream, just like re-establishing the caliphate. OBL: But it is not just John Kerry's domestic policies we covet. Allah smiles upon his foreign policies as well. Al Qaeda desires the conflict in Iraq to be internationalized and more troops and a more efficient "police and intelligence operation" approach to be brought to the war on terror. Because once the infidel dogs of the West fight the warriors of Allah with a quicker, lighter, multilateral approach... then, ah, THEN will we truly be able to destroy you! FB: You will never get people to elect John Kerry, Osama bin Laden! OBL: Yes we will! First we will launch a new terrorist attack on the US, forcing Americans to vote for Kerry! Then just to be sure we will launch a MoveOn-style blitz of negative anti-Bush ads using money collected from our 527s, while sending Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to plug the Democrats on Meet the Press and Hardball! FB: Oh no! OBL: Oh yes! And by the time I speak at the Democratic National Convention in Boston, America's fate will be sealed! FB: You will never get away with this Osama bin Laden! OBL: I already have! MWA-HAHAHAHA! MWA-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Well I could go on about my daring escape from Osama bin Laden's mountain fortress but that would take all night. And then I couldnt tell you about how tomorrow we have an interview with Jesus! Wow, how do we keep doin this? It is pretty amazin I can tell you that! ¶ posted by Fafnir at 9:55 PM
urban legends make minstrels of us all
"Should we help Chris with packing?" I says. "If we help Chris with Chris's packing then we interfere with the delicate balance of nature," says Giblets. "Like the lion and the wildebeest." "Should we pack the wildebeest?" I says. "We only have room for the wildebeest or the juicer," says Giblets. "The juicer is a modern convenience." "But the wildebeest is beautiful, like a fine woman, or a painting of a tree," I says. "The juicer is beautiful in its own way," says Giblets. "It grazes in its fields," I says. "It frolics in its streams. It frolics." "The lion pounces on the juicer," says Giblets. "Its terrible claws sink deep," I says. "Oh no! The juicer screams for help!" "Run, juicer, run!" says Giblets. We scream for some time for Chris to pack the juicer before it is too late and the lion comes. Chris is irritable and confused. "We have saved the juicer," I says. "We have interfered with natural law," says Giblets. "There will be consequences," I says. "Tidal waves and ice ages and goats born with three heads," says Giblets. "But we will have a juicer in the new age," I says. "Yes," says Giblets, and we smile with satisfaction. ¶ posted by Fafnir at 7:02 PM
John Kerry: Treacherous Svengali of the Northeast
Last week the Medium Lobster warned readers of the dangers of a Kerry presidency. The Medium Lobster's warning, it appears, could not have been more timely, as the nightmare juggernaut that is the Kerry campaign has launched the Massachusetts liberal into a daunting three-point lead over George Bush in the latest Rasmussen Tracking Poll. One glance at the poll's history and it becomes clear that Kerry has cleverly used recent turmoil in Iraq and the President's sinking approval ratings to his advantage - by remaining all but invisible to the American electorate. As Democratic strategists from Charles Krauthammer to elder statesman and master political guru Mickey Kaus have pointed out, Kerry has wisely opted to refrain from such disastrous tactical errors as "hitting Bush where he's weak," or "substantively critiquing foreign policy," or "offering a viable and coherent alternative." Instead, Kerry has cunningly chosen to sit back, relying on a handful of biographical ads and the unmistakable charismatic pull of his screen absence to draw in supporters. And that strategy could win Kerry the election - in a landslide. From his mantra-like delivery to the crisp, cynical packaging of his campaign theme - "Let America Be America Again" - Kerry is coldly exploiting America's rich history of Zen populism, planning to ride all the way to the White House on a wave of faltering invisibility. There is still hope, however - Kerry has begun embarking on an 11-day foreign policy tour, a mistake which could cripple his campaign by fatally reminding the voting public he exists. Treacherous tactitian that Kerry is, however, it is entirely possible that this will entirely consist of unremarkable speeches delivered to policy institutes which will go entirely unnoticed by anyone outside of CSPAN-2 - only clinching Kerry's grip on the battleground states. In which case America may be already lost. ¶ posted by Medium Lobster at 5:58 PM |
I'm Fafnir! Are you Fafnir? No? Look closer. There! You were Fafnir all along. Here is Giblets. "Giblets demands satisfaction!" says Giblets. Giblets is a very demanding Giblets. The Medium Lobster is a higher being with superior knowledge from beyond space and time. To your limited perception, he appears to be just another medium lobster. To your limited perception. BLOGGY B. BLOG MCBLOG The Gentlemen's Club. Body and Soul Calpundit Crooked Timber Informed Comment J Bradford Delong Matthew Yglesias Obsidian Wings Talking Points Memo The Volokh Conspiracy You Can't Fight In Here! This Is The War Room! Andrew Sullivan Atrios Billmon Daily Kos Instapundit Pandagon The Poor Man Tacitus Yes, But Can You Eat It? Boing Boing John and Belle have a Blog Quark Soup Fantastic Planet Girls Are Pretty The Leiter Reports The Panda's Thumb Strange Doctrines Thoughts Arguments and Rants The Village Gate Get Me My Monocle! I Want To Feel Rich! Hit and Run The Light of Reason Socialism in an Age of Waiting Unqualified Offerings Eat The Press. Campaign Desk Daily Howler The Blogging of the President Monkeys With Typewriters! Wonkette The Note VITAL RESOURCES Hunter Knows Sports Animals on the Underground. Know Your Popes! Know Your Emperors! Know Your Livestock! Cubic truth The Clown Hall of Fame! The Memory Hole Mr Book RSS
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Look at this cheesecake. It is tasty and delicious. It is oozing with goopy fruit. Its crust is strong but yielding. Its filling is firm but succulent. One bite and we say "Is this not a pie?"
