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LiveJournal for Amanda.
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| Sunday, May 19th, 2002 |
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 What's Your Sexual MO? Find out @ She's Crafty "You love to be pampered and romanced by your men and things like cuddling by a fire, having an intimate meal, or having a long, deep conversation can always put you in the mood. Sex to you is usually more about the man your with than the act itself. Not a one-night stand kind of girl, newness and disconnectedness just don't do it for you. The mature, stable men you prefer to date appreciate your loyalty and big heart, but they especially love the way you inspire their more aggressive, protective masculine side. " I'm not sure if I like being pampered, but I get incredibly pampered. Occasionally Jay can drive me up the wall with that, but somewhere inside I guess I like it. He's always -- almost always -- carrying my bags or opening the car door for me. I usually bring my laptop over to his place because we wind up doing different things and one night I'm all set to go and he's set to walk me to my car (I don't like his neighborhood at night) and he looks around and asks me where my computer case is. I say that it's on my shoulder. His response was to walk over and all but wrestle it from me so he can carry it instead. Today was a looooong day. I got up at 3am, worked from 4-11am, was at the flea market/mall from 11:40-3:40, spending at least 2 of those hours walking, until Jay confined me to the car since my feet hurt so much. He wouldn't let me help clean up :P We went back to his place, ate dinner, and I took a nap from 5-7. Then we went to his brother's place to catch the WWE PPV on tonight, and I slept through the last hour :P Now I'm back, it's midnight, and I'm almost in bed. I just HAVE to write up a scene that's been in my head all day. Speaking of scenes.....go see the new Star Wars movie! It's got tons of good scenes! Some bad ones too, but, hey, no one's perfect. The right amount of comedy relief is back, major kick-ass lightsaber battles, and a very very thick plot. Incredible! |
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| It's 3:25am. I have to be into work at 4am to unpack stupid boxes. This sucks. |
| Monday, May 13th, 2002 |
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Here's more ammunition for my anonymous flamer. I sold my Palm today, and its making me sick :( I loved that thing SO MUCH that it took me a year to realize that I simply wasn't using it for anything important. I wanted a handheld for years before I actually got one. But it was a glorified gameboy. I can't even say I used the to-do list. I downloaded all these applications, and never used the thing. It just sucked up room in my pocketbook and entertained me during boring-as-hell classes. A few days ago, I went back to a paper organizer because I actually USE those on a regular basis. So....my Palm is gone. I miss it already :( |
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 Take the Which Star Wars Character are you mostly likely to get it on with? quiz, by ProtocolDroid. Know whats so funny about that? I was in an online Star Wars roleplaying game, and my character, Rose, had this incredibly sexual affair with Lando :) |
| Saturday, May 11th, 2002 |
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The world looks at people -- especially teenagers -- who commit suicide and say, "But they had so much!" or some other variation. People who've never considered taking their own life don't realize that all the external things one can have doesn't ensure a happy life. My friend Scott told me in a recent email that my life seems perfect. I have a job, a fiance, and plans for my future. All of this is true. But those are all external things. I have no peace inside of myself. I rarely, if ever, feel things along the lines of true joy. There's always bitter drops in my overflowing cup. I'm beginning to realize that I'm truly not a nice person -- I can't attribute every mean thing I do anymore to food allergies. Somewhere inside, I'm very very mean. For some reason, the word "suicide" has been in my inner vocabulary more this month than in the past year. I'm spending my entire life lately in a state of constant headache and/or nausea. I complained about the symptoms for awhile, but they've gotten so chronic that I've given up. It's not worth it to complain anymore, unless it's exceptionally bad, like it was today. And as Jay's shaking some Aleve into my hand, he asks me if I want one or two, and the first thought in my head was, "the whole bottle." I'm just so....tired. I'm physically tired, but I get enough sleep. I'm emotionally and psychologically exhausted. I'm also angry, bitter, frusterated, resentful....but not against any one person or thing. I have so much anger, and no sincere place to direct it. I wind up directing it at Jay because he's always around. I just don't want to wake up tomorrow. I want to sleep tonight and wake up somewhere else or someONE else. Or not at all. Anyone outside of my life looking in would say, "But she has so much!" and I do. I have much much more than most people, but all that external crap can't change what's inside. The only thing it changes is the fact that I HAVEN'T taken the whole bottle yet. It's not so much having something to live for, it's just a desperate hope that my life isn't yet in vain. Killing myself, however attractive it seems, would help no one, including myself. If I were alone in the world, I'd be considering it much deeper. That in and of itself may be a reason Jay and I are fighting so much -- it's something I did at Platts. Push everyone away, and I can kill myself with a clear conscience. |
| Thursday, May 9th, 2002 |
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I was watching The Nanny this morning and there was a line in it about someone getting a vasectomy. The thought popped into my head, "What will Jay and I do about all that when we're done having kids?" It was strange because I'm not used to thinking like that. When I was with Tony, I changed the subject whenever he brought up marriage. I remember walking through a mall with him once and passing a jewelry store. I stopped to look in the windows, because I always do, and he said, "One day you'll be picking out your own two rings." I didn't even really look at him. I just said, "Oh, yeah?" calmly and kept walking. That was the basic gist of things. I couldn't see beyond the present, and I didn't want to. But here....I can see it all. I can actually see, like little movie clips, bits of what will be a very unusual wedding. I can see us setting up house in a cramped apartment as newleyweds, and I can even picture us growing older, fighting with the kids, with each other. I can see us attending the Renne Faire religiously every year as an anniversary treat. I can even see the house we might eventually have -- small, but only compared to the emptiness of the forest/mountains around it. Something suitable for a family, but not too big for us to get lonely in when the kids are gone away. The greatest thing, I guess, is that it's not some perfectly happy set of images either. I can picture us fighting like hell like we do when I'm stressed and unreasonably (like I am now, due to finals.) I can even see us sharing a study....bookshelves filled with books. Granted, they'll be dog-eared paperbacks and not all the Addams Family Library looking books. Me grading papers or doing bills, him writing or reading with an ostentacious goblet of anything other than wine :) And even though part of me realizes I'm straddling convention like a two dollar whore, I also realize that I'll NEVER be conventional. I may embrace the whole wife and kids idea, but I think -- I hope -- that there will always be something different, something eccentric, about me. About us. Right now we're one of those obsessively sickeningly affectionate couples. YOu know the ones -- the ones you want to kill when you're single. We're that couple that stops in the middle of the grocery aisle to kiss. That's not unusual for people our age. I'd like to hope that it won't change for us. People ask me how I can be so sure so quickly, and I have no answer for that. I KNOW. I know the same way I know the sun will rise -- even if the clouds will cover it. I can't explain that. But people also ask how I know it will last, and the answer is all the same. I know. I know because, for the most part, we think alike. We like and dislike the same things about society, religion, marriage, raising kids. I know because we don't expect e verything to be perfect. We know we'll fight. Most people get married and expect for things to always be neat and to never fight. It's nice that even though the rest of my like sucks, I have this to hold onto. |
| Tuesday, May 7th, 2002 |
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Quiz girl today! find your element at mutedfaith.com. <ยบ> I had to take this one just to see if Jay would laugh at me:  Which Anne Rice Vampire are you? by Tera This totally fits. I hate society:P
Be cool! Take the What Do You Want Out Of Life? Quiz Considering I think I'm giving up roleplaying permanently, it was odd to take this quiz, but I did anyway. |
| Sunday, May 5th, 2002 |
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Only seven and a half minutes on the MoD today. I think that's because I chose a program that was harder instead of the one I did last time. This one kept pushing me to go faster, which was MUCH harder. But, if nothing else, I got up and fucking DID it, which is the most important thing. If I can get up off my fat ass and do it today, then I can do it tomorrow. And the day after that. And on, and on, and on. I'm going further, too. I've started writing weekly menus for myself. This serves 2 purposes: 1) I know what to tell my parents to get at the grocery store. 2) It's something I can stick to. It will be changed as circumstances and tastes change, obviously. But everything I eat is being recorded at www.fitday.com, which tracks calories and all sorts of other shit. It really sucks that I have to regulate my food intake, but I think I've proven to myself NUMEROUS times that I CANNOT be trusted to control myself. For instance, here's tomorrow: Breakfast: 1 cup Kashi cereal (good stuff!) 1 cup soymilk in it, and an apple. Snack: Fruit Leather n(usually during math class) Llunch: Tuna fish/marinated bean salad, diet soda, and an apple. Snack (around 4, during my break in history class) a Luna bar Dinner: Garlic noodle bowl (easily prepared, and not too many calories) Snack: Up to me. Surprisingly, all of this is STILL only around 1800 calories, which is about what I need. I utterly refuse to DEPRIVE myself of food....I just want to change what I eat. Which means no more WEEKS where what I eat cohnsists of soy ice cream, peanut butter/chocolate toppings, and chocolate rings. (Although they sound really good right now....) Anyway, I gotta go. I gotta have a draft of a report on Wednesday, and I want to get a major head start today. |
| Saturday, May 4th, 2002 |
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Those of you familiar with my journal know about The Saga of the Elliptical Trainer. Or, as I call it, The Machine of Death (MoD for short.) I bought this thing around the New Year with birthday money and money I've saved. After taxes, it cost me almost five hundred. We then nearly killed Jay (literally) trying to get it up the stairs because we were too stupid to take it out of the box piece by piece. He then spent the better part of six hours putting it together. And have I used it? No. Well, once or twice. The main problem with using it is that I can only do 2-3 minutes at a time. It's a device of torture and that much kills me. The cool part about the machine is that once I get better, I can hook it up to ifit.com. Ifit will run a java program through its website. All I have to do is run a wire from the speaker output of the computer into the input jack on the trainer and ifit will control the resistance and incline of the machine. Ifit also puts together different programs so its never the same thing twice. And its free. I always told myself I'd do ifit once I could do more than 3 minutes :P Today, I said "fuck it" and hooked myself up. And I lasted over eight minutes!! This may not sound like much of an accomplishment to most people, but to me, it's wonderful. I'm 5'7" and 170 pounds. Truthfully, I carry it well and NO ONE believes I weigh that much, butg my ass and hips are too damn large. Climbing a flight of stairs winds me. I can walk forever, but this one stupid machine eluded me. I hate that damn machine. But I'll do it again tomorrow if I have the time :P Ugh. I've got to go shower now. |
| Wednesday, May 1st, 2002 |
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 Which Royalty Are You? Find out! By Nishi. |
| Monday, April 22nd, 2002 |
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Jay's ability to have people be attached to him has paid off! He drives a bus with these obnoxious juvenile delinquents and his Driver's Assistant is this 40+ year old guy who, if I didn't know better, seems to have a crush on him. He's always wanting Jay to come over and hang out and somesuch. The good part of this? This guy lives not far away in an apartment complex that Jay and I can afford! Nick (the guy) is going to keep an ear open for vacancies, and he's assured us that he can get us into an apt even though we have no references or anything. The only downside to this is that, to afford it, Jay's insisting he'll take a second job in the evenings instead of going to school. I hate the idea of him working his ass off just so we can be together while I take the spoiled-brat way out of school with just a couple hours work per week. On the other hand, one day I'll be mainly supporting him and the kids, so I guess it evens out. I'm disappointed he won't be going to school, but the disappointment isn't in him, its in the circumstances. *sighs happily* Our own place. We'll be living dirt poor, eating tuna salad and pasta, but that's cool. We have almost enough furniture already, actually, not to mention two TVs, 2 DVD players, one PS2, one N62, hundreds of books, a stereo, hundreds of CDs.....we also have our own sets of towels and sheets, since we've both moved out before. It'll be really wonderful to be able to be TOGETHER in the mornings. To know that if he's not there when I get home from school, that he will be soon. We can also have sex without worrying about my parents through the pathetic paper-thin wall that seperates the bedrooms in my house. (The #1 reason I turned him down last night -- it's one thing to hear your parents, quite another to think they may hear you. The #2 reason, btw, was a ton of studying I never actually got done.) *grins* Off-topic, but he has become a Typical Guy. Very very interested at all possible times, and unable to understand at first that I have 800 things to do and taking an hour plus out of my time is just too much right now. Don't get me wrong, I'd KILL to have the time to give this another shot; I almost gave in last night, parents or no. He has this way of just tapping an ice pick on my self-control. *sighs* We've got Game at Scott's tonight, which precludes sex. I have a paper due Wednesday, so Tuesday is dedicated to the paper. If I'm lucky, I'll finish in the afternoon before I head over to his place. Dammit. Now I'm all frusterated and I have to go to class :P *looks at watch* ACK! Have to go to class NOW! |
| Friday, April 19th, 2002 |
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I sooooo do not want to go to work tonight. I'm working 4:30-midnight, and Jay is staying over, which means I'll have to come home and go STRAIGHT to bed, since I have to be at work at noon on Saturday. Then I'm working 7am-2:30pm on Sunday. This is all just sucking royally. Jay just left. He has the mid-day break in his work schedule, so he pops over when he has time. I'm still a little sore, so nothing. We did look into getting our own place, but real estate is OBNOXIOUSLY expensive around here. Ludicrous. $900/month for a studio. We don't even really have friends to split a house with because all our close friends have issues with our relationship. (His friend Dave tends to fall for Jay's gfs and we SO want to avoid that here, and my friend Scott has had issues from Day One.) *sighs* I should go shower and then take a nap, so I can stay awake on the job til midnight. |
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Just for fun, I re-read the section of my journal where I wrote about Jay and the Renne Faire where we met again the day it happened. It just kind of changes things. I had so many misconceptions about him then. It's so different, being infatuated then with who I thought he was, and being in love with the person I know now that he is. I think that was the changing thing I was looking for before. Anyone interested in looking at the original posting, try here |
| Saturday, April 13th, 2002 |
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Ugh. I gotta start setting aside time to post every night or something. I am so far behind on everything in the universe, I barely have time to breathe. It gets so overwhelming that I just give up and sit in front of the TV without cracking a book. I have two tests on April 22, AND an essay due on that day, though I've mercifully gotten an extension. (My prof prefers quality work over handing it in on an exact date.) I haven't started my history reading, or my psych reading for either test, and I'm already behind. *sighs* Makes me want to just give the hell up. Quit school, move away.....but I don't have the money, or the desire, to do that. Although it may come to pass one day. Jay said he's heard rumors about another draft.....and that he'd be going to Canada if it came down to it. I wouldn't want to, but I'd wind up going with him. Maybe I'd try to convince him to move to London or something instead :) Hell, if we're going to leave the country, we should leave in style :) I don't mean "I wouldnt want to" as in I don't want to go with him. I just wouldn't want to leave the US. I like this country. I don't have the extreme love for it that some people have, but I'd rather live here than anywhere. I don't want to leave what I know. But I love Jay more than being here -- I'd rather be somewhere else with him than here alone. I told him, though, that this would NOT be like Vietnam -- draft dodgers would NOT be welcomed back into the US. Anyway, Jay's just about waking up, so I gotta go. I'll try to keep writing more often :) |
| Saturday, April 6th, 2002 |
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Life, life, life. I actually took today off of work to catch up on my schoolwork -- thats how fucking far behind I am. I promise myself EVERY semester that I won't do this, and I do it anyway. I got reasonably caught up, though. Now I'm only moderately behind. I also spent around $90 today. I had a $15GC for this place, NY&Co;, which makes the most comfy jeans in the world. Just in time, too, my current jeans had a huge hole in the inner thigh seam. (My fat thighs tend to rub through innerthigh seams quickly.) And I get there and, lo and behold, they have their dark jeans on sale for $17! So I manage to snag two pairs for $20 :) I then went and spent $20 on earrings, and another $50 on a laptop case (since I tend to drag it around a lot) and a Harry Potter CD sleeve thingie for dragging my CDs around with my laptop :) I now have to get changed and pack. I'm staying over at Jay's tonight, because we're going to a "family party" tomorrow, where I get to meet his mother's side of the family for the very first time. I hate meet-the-family shit. But I guess its all cool. I have my new hole-free jeans to wear, plus my kicking ass boots. Goddess help me :P |
| Monday, April 1st, 2002 |
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I did it! I figured out how to raise the seat of my new desk chair. No, I'm NOT going insane with computer stuff -- but Jay found this chair on complete close-out from Staples. It's high-backed with a headrest, black, armrests, wheels....everything I want! And for $25! It has a rip, which is prolly why it was on sale, but its small and easily fixed. And now that its raised up, I can type properly on my laptop with little to no typos! *hehs* Today has been SO weird. I actually wrote a bit in my paper journal, which is remarkably rare. I bought a book about Witchcraft and Magic in Europe in ancient Rome and ancient Greece, which should prove interesting. I should be studying or something, but I don't feel well. Part of my illness may be SHEER HUNGER! I DESPISE PASSOVER!!!! It would be a hard "holiday" to describe to non-Jews, but suffice to say my already limited diet is limited further. No non-kosher food can enter this house, so I begged my friend Scott to let me come over with some Chinese food tonight. I respect and love my parents enough to obey the rules and not bring any of the food in the house, but outside the house, I'm on my own and they love and respect me enough to let me go my way. I'm Jewish by birth, but I don't really believe it anymore. I don't really believe anything anymore. There are so many things to talk about, but they all involve my severe psychosis, lonliness, and depression. I was horrible today. I actually cut a class (which I NEVER do) and went home to chill and relax. Didn't work. I went back to school for my 2:00 class, since I take notes for a deaf boy in that one, and I actually pictured myself under the wheels of one of the huge trucks on the LIE. That scared me -- horrified me. I dont want to die, I'm not suicidal. I'm just.....tired, I guess. I'm going to be in college for 3 more years. Jay and I can't earn enough money to move in together. (Long Island has the highest cost of living in the country, next to Manhattan.) My life feels like its on hold til I'm out of college. I shouldn't look at it that way, I know. Life is a gift, each day is precious, blah, blah, blah. It's hard to look at that when I keep suffering through these stupid boring classes and then picture myself doing that for the next three years. It makes me want to, well, throw myself under a truck :P I almost hurt myself again today. I haven't really done that in November, when I scratched up my own arm in frusteration, anger, depression, whatever. "Cutting" as they call it is a severe problem for some, but a rare occurance for me. I usually only use my own nails, and I've only scarred myself once. I also nearly broke a fingerbone in the same November incident by slamming my hand exceptionally hard into the shower wall numerous times. Today I just pounded my car window until I thought it, or my hand, would break and I stopped. Control is easier now. Mostly because I scared Jay a lot in Nov with my scratched-up hand, and I don't want to scare him anymore. *sighs* I should go. This entry is long enough to scare all of you away. I just needed to get it out there. |
| Thursday, March 28th, 2002 |
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I am writing this from my BRAND NEW NOTEBOOK COMPUTER!!!! My monitor on my regular computer is getting dark, the hard drive is making funny noises....also, I've wanted a brand new laptop for YEARS now. Not used, like I ALWAYS get, or used and upgraded, blah, blah, I wanted just one brand new computer. Specs: Toshiba Satellite 1800 1.1GHz 256MB RAM 20 gig hard drive *****DVD/CD-RW COMBO DRIVE!!****** Kick-ass screen Ethernet hookup (for my cable connection) Little buttons for cd playing I am soooo in love with this thing. The keyboard is taking some getting used to, and I've plugged my old mouse into it, since touchpads aren't my fav things in the world. But the screen is bright and sharp. I've played a DVD on it, and it kicks major ass. Everything is so FAST! My old computer is being cannabalized by Jay :) He's getting my old CD-RW, my extra hard drive, and my memory sticks if he wants. Final cost? After taxes, $1360. 100 bucks in gc's, and a 150 rebate, so, in truth, not bad at all. But I'm going back today to spend $300 on a 4-year warranty. My uncle (who lives on laptops) told me it's imperative, because laptops tend to fall apart more quickly than regular computers and a new screen is about $600 (given that this one WILL go dark.) Also -- main point here -- 4 years from now, when the thing runs out, I'll be married and working full time. When this warranty runhs out, I'll get a new comp. I have high hopes for myself :) Now.....my #1 priority is to keep this thing running nicely. |
| Wednesday, March 20th, 2002 |
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| If anyone knows any good, free email that I can use with outlook that won't spam the hell out of me, let me know. Yahoo is refusing to forward to Outlook, Eudora, anything anymore, and I REFUSE to go back to web-only access. It just royally bites. |
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There is nothing in the world like being kissed til you're dizzy. No matter what else happens, it's just that moment where you break apart for air and you realize you can't see straight -- literally. It's wonderful. To be wrapped up tight, to be loved as Jay loves me, is incomparable. It feels safe, and I don't use that word lightly. Safe, soft, warm....I don't know why his skin is always warmer than mine, but it feels so good. And the tiny little kisses on my neck that send shivers all the way down my back.... Sheesh, I've got to chill or I'm not sleeping tonight :P He left about 10 mins ago, 'cause of work tomorrow morning. I should go sleepy-time, but I'm too drugged on love and hormones and frusteration to sleep. |
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 Which Rock Chick Are You? |
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LiveJournal for Amanda.
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exhausted.
sad.
amused.
thirsty.
horny.
tired.
contemplative.