Farewell

Fair winds and following seas, Mr. President. May your journey to the comfort of God's presence be safe and joyful. Until we meet you again...

No, you go to hell...

...and take the other manure-brained pissants with you. The world will always be filled with asshats, won't it?

They're still not Mr. Ed, are they?

Rush Limbaugh made an observation about news stories the other day. He noticed that the truth of a story often lies in the last few lines or the last paragraph. He commented that it appeared that the author didn't want to leave the truth completely out of the story but decided to stick it in the end, long after most short attention spans have left the scene.

I found a perfect example of this among the multitude of stories reporting the finding that dogs may be smarter than we think, including having the ability to maintain a knowledge of vocabulary and words. This alleged scientific breakthrough was announced after studies done on a single 9-year-old border collie named Rico. According the research study, Rico can not only instantly remember the association between a toy and its verbal description, but he can apparently remember all this months after the initial learning sessions.

Researchers were amazed to discover that Rico...could pick out items like "the blue dinosaur" and "the little red doll" when told to fetch them from his collection of canine toys.

But they were even more startled when the dog repeatedly deduced the name of a new toy when instructed to fetch an item he had never heard of before. And they were flabbergasted to discover that he remembered the word a month later.

Holy cow! A dog that can pick the right toy when instructed to go fetch it! Okay, here's how this works: you show the dog the toy. You tell the dog that the toy is "the blue dinosaur" everytime you show him the toy. But, the dog doesn't understand "the blue dinosaur." For all we know, the expression "the blue dinosaur" could sound to the dog like "jfoiwetinvsoit." So everytime you say "jfoiwetinvsoit" to the dog, it instinctively goes for the blue dinosaur. The dog doesn't understand "blue" or "dinosaur" or "little" or "red" or "doll." The dog associates the noise you make with the object, the same way a hound runs after the duck after the gunshot.

One other question: did they give the dog a treat when he successfully picked the right toy? That's all the dog really wants...the treat. The dog would jump through a puddle of flaming gasoline if he got a treat after each successful trip.

As for deducing the name of the new toy, they're still giving the dog too much "thought" credit. They instinctively know the sounds associated with the original toys. You tell him to fetch, and he goes for the toy associated with the noise you make (he probably isn't real clear on what "fetch" means either). All of a sudden, he's asked to fetch something he doesn't "recognize." Well, instincts tell him to go to the place where he fetched the other noises/toys. he might recall that new word sounds and know they aren't what he's herd before, so he just grabs what's left. Viola! The humans think he's a genius! At best, this means that this dog at least has some process of elimination.

Now comes the "truth" of the story, the part they leave out until the very last sentence:

The researchers acknowledge that Rico's expansive vocabulary may not be a trait common to all breeds.

Dammit! I was going to go out, get a new dog, and train him to do all kinds of stuff for me. Let's face it, this research is probably no more valid than this idea that most mutts are psychic..

Look, I know this will hurt the feelings of a lot of dog owners, but they're dogs. They "understand" what you're saying because you give them food and a place to sleep that isn't out in the cold or heat. If they were smart enough to talk and understand words, we'd be able to train them to pick up their own poop when we walk them or, for that matter, walk themselves. When we arrive there, call me.

In the interim, we all know it comes down to this:

Giving them wings.

Why is freeing a child such a difficult thing to do?

When I see friends with babies and small children, I'm instantly drawn back to those days when my little girl was just that. All parents recall those times, when they're somewhat helpless, pretending to be self-reliant, but in reality, dependent on Mommy and Daddy for everything. Suddenly, you blink, and all is changed. They're grown up, almost; driving, spending more and more time away from the home and with friends, finding their way and their own life. This breaks my heart.

My daughter flew to Europe yesterday afternoon with a group of friends and adults from school. The sixteen-day trip is well-organized and the small size of their group provides a one adult-to-one child ratio that increases my comfort level a great deal. I don't know what bothers me more about the trip -- the fact that she's going off on her own to explore the world or that she's far off and out of reach, out of the protective cocoon that my wife and I have tried so hard to maintain for nearly eighteen years.

I understand that she is under an enormous amount of risk every day right here in Florida. I worry constantly about her driving around, traveling to and from work, where she is in the late evenings. This is not a trust issue; we know her friends well and she is so filled with good sense that we don't worry about many of the dangers that concern a lot of parents. What worries me is everyone else in the world; the idiot driver who isn't paying attention, the cretin with bad intentions, a road slick with rain. Yet, while she's here at home, I at least feel I have some sense of control, that if anything were to happen, no matter how minor, Kelly and I are never more than a few minutes and a cellphone call away.

But bouncing around the Continent is a different story. As confident as I am in the direction of this nation and the world, she's still an American traveling with other Americans in places where some might not like Americas as much as they used to. Perhaps I'm falling into the media trap of how much the "ugly American" is despised overseas. I need to remind myself that whatever dislike for Americans there might be, it is certainly far overshadowed by those who still admire us. We are not the enemy, right?

I remain assured that she's in the care of capable people, all of whom we know and trust. I also know that she will return in two weeks, safe and sound, with lots of souvenirs, tons of pictures on the new digital camera we purchased just prior to the trip (and that she better watch carefully) and memories of the experience that will last a lifetime. The trip isn't all just tourist spots, either. Today, for example, they'll be motoring up to Austria to see the remains of the concentration camp at Dachau. She expressed some worry about how she would handle seeing this. I suggested to her that sometimes we must be reminded of the horrors that one human being can command over many others. I suggested that she say a prayer for the lost souls while there and remember that those who came before her in her family fought hard to make sure that never happens again. Just as there are thousands we don't even know who are doing the same at this moment.

So, my wife and I will keep busy for the next two weeks, with work and home projects, with this blog and watching memorials today and basball all week, even with a trip of my own back to New York later this month. But we will wait anxiously to hear from her and to see her safely home at the end of her journey. She is and will always be our little girl.

What if...

Judith Weizner pokes fun at the all-or-nothing editorial policy of the New York Times in this "forgotten" editorial that should have appeared on their pages on Memorial Day. The really sad thing is that if this weren't so humorous, it might very well be true. Just imagine how different things would be around here if that silly 1776 spat over the price of tea had been settled by an international gathering of nations.

I can't seem to reach anyone there.

Now I know the real reason North Korea is part of the axis of evil. I'm not sure if this story reveals that the government over there is oppressive or really smart. If you were to tell me that some poor nation in South America or Africa lacked the modern technology we all take for granted, I don't suppose I'd really be surprised. But, aren't the North Koreans supposed to be an modern industrial nation, except perhaps for that nasty commie stuff? I guess the populace can't afford technology because the government's too busy allowing them to starve or spending the money building nukes.

Reagan: Still Driving Them Nuts

As you might expect, in addition to all the nice things some of the left is saying about Ronald Reagan, there's an equal amount of hate-filled rhetoric from the usual suspects. You don't have to go much further than this thread on Democratic Underground or this particularly bitter column by Christopher Hitchens to see that there's a real disdain for Reagan remaining on the left, ten years after he left public life.

At work today, I listened to tributes to Reagan from Laura Ingraham (who worked for Reagan in the late '80s), Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Michael Medved and Hugh Hewitt (another White House employee from that era). What I found to be a common thread through all these programs today was the celebrations of Ronald Reagan's life and his influence on politics and the culture. The hosts and callers reflected on the characteristics of the man that influenced their political views and attitude about life.

I've come to the conclusion that conservatives feel positive about life and believe in their nation and it's place in the world because of the positive attitudes of President Reagan. He never had anything but good to say about America and its people. He knew that he could influence our former enemies into reducing, along with the United States, the massive weapons that threatened the security of our nations. At the same time, he was willing to do what was necessary to build up our defenses in case compromise and negotiation didn't succeed.

Conservatives are joyful to have had Ronald Reagan as a leader. This is why we celebrate his life and what he meant to us and America. This is also what drives liberals and the left nuts. They can't stand the idea that this man who they despised so much, who they believed was the source of all the world's ills, who they called names and accused of being stupid and uninterested in world affairs, could so forcefully and successfully lead a political movement that has carried America with pride into this century.

Perhaps that's the best part of the Reagan legacy. God bless you for what you've done for us, Mr. President. For that optimism and joy, we will always be grateful.

Belmont Wrap: I Am Costanza

I am George Costanza.

Seinfeld fans will know what I'm talking about. In episode 86, George learns that his life has become so pointless that he decides to do the opposite of what someone would normally do. He admits to a pretty girl he meets that he has no income and lives with his parents. She falls for him. She gets him an interview with the Yankees, at which he insults George Steinbrenner to his face. He gets the job.

Well, that's me. George the Opposite. In the last year, I've been making carefully-considered and detailed analyses of some major thoroughbred racing events, including all the Triple Crown races. Apparently, I've hit on a trend. My top pick will often finish second, or my second choice often will win. Yesterday's Belmont Stakes was a demonstration of both of these situations colliding.

On KSL's Sports Final on Friday night and just below this entry on Saturday, I picked Smarty Jones to have a pretty easy time of it in the Belmont. Along with the rest of America, I wanted the colt to win big, not for the bet, but for the thrill of finally seeing another Crown winner. But, as everyone knows by now, it wasn't to be this year, again. Birdstone nailed Smarty Jones in the final strides of the race to win by almost a length at 36-1. My prediction was that Birdstone, who exhibits a similar racing style to the favorite, would make up for his last two outings and finish second.

Back in March, I did an analysis of the Land's End Stakes at Turfway park, a race in which Birdstone was the 3-5 favorite. I was very interested in a local horse called Silver Minister, who I believed had an outside shot at some success in the Derby. He ran terribly that day, and so did Birdstone. Trainer Zito and jockey Jerry Bailey both complained about the sealed racing surface, something which they believed affected their horse's performance. Nearly a month-and-a-half later, Zito entered him in the Derby, where I selected him as my longshot pick, telling readers to toss out the bad run in the Land's End. In the Derby with Prado up, the colt lost a shoe and was shuffled back early, keeping him out of serious contention.

That's why I believed that Zito, who's based in New York and is known for having his horses ready at all times, would have Birdstone sharp for yesterday's event. I didn't think, however, that he would beat the favorite.

So, if you did the opposite of what I told you, or at least boxed my three in an exacta, you should have had a $139 return, not bad at all. The PayPal link is to the right.

Smarty Jones and his connections certainly have nothing for which to hang their heads. The odds against any horse winning all three Crown races are pretty high, and to come in undefeated and do it an even tougher task (and the one thing that worried me about the favorite). When a horse captures the attention of a nation as this one did and temporarily makes us forget the tough things in life, like Iraq, or the sad events, like the passing of Ronald Reagan, this can only be a good thing, no matter how fleeting. I don't know if we'll see him race again, as his value as a stud has certainly risen. My guess is that John Servis and the Chapmans will head back to Philadelphia, celebrate their accomplishments so far, and give Smarty a rest. He certainly deserves it.

Interesting notes about the race: More money was wagered on Smarty Jones to win (nearly $8.5 million) than on any other horse in history. Also, because of the longshots who finished first and third, Smarty Jones paid more to place ($3.30) then he would have to win ($2.70). I mentioned the favorite's winning streak going in. How about this for a streak to break: Zito horses have finished second five previous times in the Belmont before yesterday. The third place finisher, Royal Assault, was also trained by Zito. Visa Corporation has yet to give away their $5 million bonus for a Crown winner. Based on what we've seen in recent years, I hope they have that prize earning them some interest.

Ronald Reagan, 1911-2004

Ronald Reagan has passed away at age 93. The man was, in my opinon, the greatest President of the modern era. He was a tireless fighter for conservative values and against the spread of communism around the world. His leadership during the last years of the Cold War were the impetus for the freedoms enjoyed by the nations of eastern Europe and the former Soviet Union. He never wavered in his beliefs and was loved and admired by millions af Americans.

His ten-year battle against Alzheimers was fought with the same quiet dignity with which he led the nation and lived his life.

May the prayers of all Americans and all our friends around the world be with the spirit of President Reagan, his wife Nancy and their entire family. His work here is done. May he rest in the comforts of God's blessings as he makes his journey home.

Belmont Stakes Picks: Who did you think?

There isn't a lot to be said about today's Belmont Stakes that hasn't been said by everyone else. Smarty Jones would have to run into a whole lot of trouble on the track to lose the race. With the outside post position, the colt should be able to avoid any early traffic problems out of the gate. Once the field settles in, I can only see one thing happening. Smarty Jones should go to the front by the 1/2 mile mark, set the pace as he sees fit, and should pretty much have his own way

This colt is turning out to be a truly fine racehorse. I'm hesitant to put him in the same class as other big champions of the past such as Secretariat. But a few weeks ago, this horse won the Kentucky Derby at 4-1, emerging from a field that had what many thought were a bunch of really fine horses. That the winner went to the post as the betting favorite at those odds was testament to how difficult it was to pick one outstanding entrant from that field.

Then, just to make certain we didn't forget, Smarty Jones turned around two weeks later and destroyed the Preakness field by more than eleven lengths. He did this without a hard workout prior to the race (something for which trainer John Servis was questioned by many in the sports press), just a few jogs around the Pimlico course. I commented after the race that he finished with his ears perked forward, a pretty certain sign that he had a ton left in the tank and could go a lot more. Today, he will have his chance.

There are other factors that point to success for Smarty Jones today. His speed figures, no matter which ones you use, are far higher than any other entrant at any point in any race. His running style of pace-pressing speed, is suited to the distance races held at Belmont so far this meet. Nearly all past Triple Crown winners have won this race by taking the lead prior to the halfway point of the race and holding it. The colt has already demonstrated that he has the power to take over the pace and separate himself from a field, almost at will. His post doesn't really hurt, either, as the higher percentage of winners of recent Belmont route events have come from outside posts.

As for the others, I'll give the place spot to Nick Zito's Birdstone, a horse I liked in the Derby. I really believe you can toss his last two races due to problems with the sealed track at the Land's End Stakes in April and the fact that he threw a shoe in the Derby. I just believe he's a better horse then his record shows. For the show spot, I'll give it to Purge. He appears to have enough tactical pressing speed to be near the first two at the end. The problem is that Smarty Jones has beaten this colt twice before, once pretty handily in the Arkansas Derby. There's an old horse racing saw about not asking a horse to do something he's never been able to do before. There you go.

Rain is predicted in the forecast to post time on Long Island today. Doesn't matter. The favorite has won two stakes in the mud and slop and neither bothered him at all. If there were any factors that worry me about his winning, it's the win streak and the big race experience of jockey Stewart Elliot. As for the latter, there are some great riders in this field today, names that are familiar to anyone who even casually follows racing: Bailey, Santos, Day, Velazquez. Stewart Elliot has always been a fine rider who's worked the smaller circuit in Pennsylvania and has only recently come to be known since his charge began his incredible streak. This might make some nervous considering the experience in this race of those other riders. But Elliot has proven to be a steady handler who knows his horse and keeps him out of trouble, while getting him into advantageous positions when necessary. This should not be an issue today.

I always get a bit concerned over a long unbeaten streak. The odds usually go against a horse going nine straight wins, no matter what the class level might be. Streaking in any sport is difficult; even great teams get beaten. But, because all the previously-mentioned factors seem to favor Smarty Jones so strongly, I'd be willing to buck the odds in this case.

Besides, he's never lost a race. Didn't I just use that old saw about not asking a horse to do something he's never done before?

Juice Speaks

Wow, that O.J. Simpson is one heck of a guy, isn't he?

You know, I haven't heard of any sightings of Simpson on the numerous golf courses we have up here in the Jacksonville area. I know he's still out there looking for the killers, in between dragging the kids to Japanese restaurants, developing television shows and providing his insights on the legitimacy of date rape. I thought someone might want to tell him to get up here and hit these fairways before the trail grows cold.

I'm trying to imagine the "contestants" on his reality show that get, as he describes it, "juiced," and aren't too happy with what happens to them as he pranks them. If they complain, is he going to break out a ninja sword and lop their heards off for complaining? Maybe he'll lower the shoulder and just throw them one of those powerful blocks he successfully used during his playing days. You know, before he went around beheading his wife and some poor waiter.

Oh, wait, how could I have been so insensitive to Juice? The murders were Nicole and Ron's fault. After all, that sleazy crowd they were hanging around with were certainly responsbile for randomly selecting them on the street and murdering them., then leaving a trail of evidence all around the Simpson home.

I don't want the man getting pissed off at me. I like my head just where it is.

Belmont Chat on KSL Tonight

I will make a return to radio to talk about tomorrow's Belmont Stakes, live tonight on KSL NewsRadio 1160 in Salt Lake City with Bill Riley. I expect to be on at 10:00 P.M. Eastern time tonight. Listen on line here.

Smarty Jones comes out of the number nine post on Saturday, though the post position draw isn't really a big deal once the race has started. The mile-and-a-half oval at Belmont is large enough for the field to have plenty of time to get settled into position.

I said that picking the Derby was going to be tough because of all the really fine animals in that field. What's amazing is how much this great colt has dominated them all in both previous Triple Crown races. The pick will be easy. But you need to listen to KSL anyway, since I have lots of clever and pithy things to say.

I'll post the analysis here later tonight, after KSL gets the exclusive. Come on, I have to milk this for all I can.

Yum

Well, the sight discovered in the home where this man was found probably wasn't pretty. Though this isn't funny, I couldn't help but think of a song recorded many years ago by the Basher, Nick Lowe. The tune was called Marie Provost, and it told the story of a young girl who came to Hollywood to become a big star in silent films. Unfortunately, her fortunes in talking pictures didn't work out, and she eventually died and became chow for her lonely dachshund.

If you're going to be a loner, please leave something for the dog.

Mugabe's paranoia

My pal Penda stopped by here yesterday and left a comment gently correcting my for my stilted political viewpoints, as she is wont to do on occasion. One of the reasons I like people like her is that we can go back-and-forth on any issue without attacking one another over our differing views (and there is little we completely agree about...except that Elton John is an asshat). When I read her comments and others, I have a deep appreciation for the fact that we can all speak freely and at odds.

There are some, however, who have the misguided notion that the horror of the Patriot Act and the alleged stormtrooper-like tactics of John Ashcroft are standing in the way of free and unfettered speech in this country. The plain fact is, despite their paranoia, there has never been a single documented instance where someone's civil rights were illegally defiled through the use of the Patriot Act or any other anti-sedition laws on the books. I commented extensively on this in January when I jumped all over the ALA and the library people for spreading a lot of misguided half-truths about giving up reading lists. Let's face it: with the Internet and other forms of widespread mass media available, and especially with the uncontrollable world of blogs, there isn't anything that can't be spoken or written to anyone about anything.

Unless you live in Zimbabwe.

Robert Mugabe, not known as one of the world's most benevolent leaders, is now requiring Internet service providers (ISPs) in that nation to sign an agreement stating they will monitor private e-mails for seditious and obscene material and report such findings to the government. Failure to do so will mean a loss of that company's Internet access. So, aparently, if Penda and I get together via e-mail and plot a takeover of the government (with all power to be shared by conservative Catholics and witches), Mr. Mugabe could toss us in the slam. Or is we decided to swap examples of erotic writings and we were found out by the e-mail scanners at Bellsouth or whatever ISP she uses, it's tank time for the both of us.

Now I know you paranoics at Democratic Underground could come in here and fill my comment boxes with all kinds of examples of the potential spying that could take place at the behest of the government. Trust me, I work for the government, and computer security is a big part of my job. I personally had to investigate, without their knowledge, two individuals at my job location a few years ago who were using government computer resources (which you, the citizenry, pay for) to visit porn sites. Both of them wound up in serious hot water, though I hated to do it because I knew and liked both of them. But they screwed up and violated the law, and they both paid the consequences. I know first-hand what the capabilities of a large government body are when it wants to find out what you're doing. My policy on the job has always been that if you're not supposed to be doing it, don't.

However, we all need to remember that our nation's foundation is built on a set of laws that no one can ever take away from us, even by force. If the private, individual rights of an American are violated in a simliar fashion to what Mr. Mugabe wants to do as routine, that American has a number of legal roads they can travel to prevent the unwanted intrusion into their lives. There will always be people, me included, who will sacrifice what is necessary to make sure we never lose those fundamental freedoms. Freedom is not given to us; freedom is already part of us. Yes, we can lost the ability to implement and practice our freedoms, as Mr. Mugabe's edict demonstrates. But men cannot take those fundamental rights away from other men.

So the next time you wish to spout off on George Bush or John Kerry or your governor or congressman or something some other idiot has done, feel free. Say what you want. Don't be afraid. Then, say a word of thanks to whatever diety in which you believe that you live in a place where you can do so. Give thanks that we don't live under the Mugabes and Castros of the world.

I'm an expert in transgendered Perl scripting.

As the father of a teenager approaching college entrance, I've been paying closer attention to criticisms of the university systems in this country. That the colleges of America have become pits of indoctrination and anti-conservative bias in recent decades is no big secret. I find it interesting when I hear of students supporting traditional causes or reacting negatively to political commentary, as students and families did last month when author E.L. Doctorow slammed George Bush and the war in Iraq during a commencement speech at Hofstra University in New York.

Disclaimer: this is not a call to purge liberal speakers from university campuses or to fire up a pogrom against anti-war or anti-Bush platitudes. After spending thousands of dollars on a college education, neither my daughter, my wife or I expect to sit at the commencement and listen to negative political speeches, no matter what side they take. Those are moments for the students and their accomplishments. Stick to the corny congratulatory platitudes.

Nonetheless, I've been reading and occasionally commenting on the writings of Dr. Mike Adams, a college professor at UNC Wilmington. His takes on campus politics, political correctness and other silliness are truly hysterical, and often downright scary in their reality. He's done it again in a commentary this week on the educational expertise of the English Department faculty at Cornell University.

The frightening truth of his column forces me to question just how someone becomes an "expert" at some of the fields of "accomplishment" listed by these faculty members. And how does any of this information that they are experts at imparting connect to their allegedly required task, which is to teach English literature? For God's sake, have a separate department of queer studies and African studies and truck driver studies, but can you please have a faculty in the English department who's expertise is in English and literature? I fail to see the connections or relationships between what these people pound their chests over and what my kid is going to need to learn for a foundation of classical knowledge.

The impetus for Adam's current column was this one published a couple of weeks earlier. The reading suggestions he makes here are certainly a great starting point for anyone seeking the opportunity to delve into great works. In fact, he reminds me that I never finished Crime and Punishment. Summer reading time...thanks, Mike.

Your search has ended.

Okay, since my top search term has suddently become "John Kerry gives the finger," I'll make it easy on all of you.

The story, which was widely unreported everywhere else in America, was posted on the NewsMax.com web site yesterday. Apparently, John Kerry's flipping the bird to another person doesn't warrant a lot of media coverage. Accurate or not, I want you to image the orgasm the current media outlets would have if the President walked away from the Tonb of the Unknowns on Monday and flipped off someone he didn't like. But, he didn't, Kerry did. So, it doesn't warrant any coverage.

So, there it is. Thanks for stopping by.

We're always the bad guys.

Time to get political again. Those of us who believe in the cause of Iraq and in the ongoing battle on terror around the world have long held certain beliefs. One of those beliefs is that Saddam Hussein supported terrorist organizations, including al-Qaeda, and may have had some supportable connection, via intermediaries, to the September 11 attacks. I've briefly touched on this here before, and the question becomes: why isn't the media also searching for that evidence? In fact, why do they continue to ignore what's already out there? I don't suppose I need to give you the answer to that again.

Rather, I'll point you to GOP consultant Jay Bryant's column on Town Hall that touches on this, as well as the lack of interest in the oil-for-food scandal. The disinterest in both of these stories, especially in how those nations opposed to going to war in the first place received backdoor benefits from oil-for-food, does a disservice. Not revealing or even investigating the important aspects of that story prevents the American public and the world from seeing the true picture of what Saddam wrought in Iraq and why those other nations turned to weasels when we threatened live fire. Considering also the change in our nation as a result of the September 11 attacks, Americans of all persuasions need to know just how involved Saddam and the Iraqis were in that, no matter how indirectly. We often find it difficult to put a face on September 11, because of the shadowy ways we've see Osama Bin Laden since that day, in poorly focused videotapes and mysterious audio proclamations. Establishing a link between Saddam, al-Qaeda and the terror attacks might help us to better understand their cause and see that we can win the long-term battle.

But, we might never see any of this in the major press, unless John Kerry gets elected in November. I suggest within a month after the election, all the details of all these stories will emerge, because the goal of getting Bush kicked out of office will have been accomplished.

No, what we're seeing now is an attempt by Time magazine to make another tenuous connection between Haliburton's winning some Iraq rebuilding contracts and Vice-President's Cheney's "approval." You see, the war was all about the oil, you know, and for the Veep, it was all about his pals at Haliburton, and all about how he and his rich fat-cat pals are going to get richer off all that Iraqi work. You see, the word "coordinated" in an e-mail that allegedly makes such a connection is far more important than any evidence that one of Saddam's top generals was seen at a meeting with September 11 conspirators. Or that there's a pile of evidence that French, Russian and other foreign officials were getting kickbacks fro Saddam via oil leases.

You see, we are always the bad guy. We don't do anything for noble causes. We're always to blame. We elected George Bush, and we're responsible for the mess we're supposedly in, because it's all about oil and money. Yes, we were attacked. But we must have done something wrong to bring it to our shores.

When are you all going to figure this out?

Britney and the Commies

Well, looks like our favorite singing ho pop star, Britney Spears, is going to have some costume and performance issues for her world tour shows in China. As much as the Chi-Coms are pretending to bring their nation into the modern world of commerce and culture, there's still resistance to some of the smuttiness that the West finds so acceptable.

I'm going to guess that the heads of the Commies over there have taken a gander at Britney's shows on video and didn't like what they saw. Perhaps it's admirable that a nation is attempting to prevent their culture (and their youth) from being corrupted by the wanton expressions of sexuality that have become a staple of her shows.

Well, we at Attaboy have done some digging and discovered that the Britney Spears show producers have already begun working on a stage show that should be more than palatable to the Chinese government. Rehearsals with their new dances began this morning, and our camera was there to snap a moment of the practicing for posterity:

Fire

I read a small clip the the local paper this morning about an incident at Miami's Pro Player Park. Yesterday, four cars were destroyed when an unextinguished barbecue flamed up and set them on fire while the owners were in the stadium, enjoying a game between the Reds and the Marlins.

Having a group of automobiles get engulfed in flames at a sporting event is probably an unusual occurrence, but I was fortunate enough to witness something similar at the old Tampa Stadium in 1991.

I grew up a big New York Giants fan and tried to take advantage of their rare visits to Florida whenever possible. That season, they came to Tampa to play the Bucs at the old Sombrero, and I bought a couple of tickets. I figured it would be worth the three-hour trip, especially with the possibility of seeing Phil Simms (probably my favorite player of all time) get in the game and the likelihood that the Giants would beat the horrible Bucs.

My work friend Jack and I drove to the game and found our seats in the end zone, about four rows from the top of the section. The weather was beautiful for November and, as expected, the Bucs spent most of the game trying to get a lead back from New York. Late in the third quarter, I heard a lot of talking behind me and turned to see what was going on. I noticed a large group of people had gathered behind the last row of seats in the section and were peering over the stadium wall into the parking lot. I also noticed what appeared to be a column of white smoke rising from outside the stadium. Interested to see what was up, Jack and I left our seats and joined the small crowd.

Out in the parking lot, we witnessed a large recreational vehicle absolutely engulfed in flames. This thing wasn't just burning; it was a frickin' inferno. The tops of the flames were nearly high enough to reach the high branches of the pine trees under which the RV was parked. The vehicle was a pretty good-sized unit as well. From my vantage point, I figured about six people could sleep in that thing pretty comfortably. Well, they used to be able to, anyway.

What was interesting was that although a Tampa police officer and some stadium security personnel were on the scene, no one appeared to be making any effort to stop the destruction of the vehicle. Even if the cop had an emergency fire extinguisher in his car, using it would have been a waste, as the fire was quickly working it's way down the chassis on all sides. I heard the sirens of a fire truck's arrival after I returned to my seat, but I don't think they gave any more than a cursory attempts to save that thing, perhaps enough to keep the fuel tank from exploding. Which it didn't, dammit.

Towards the end of the fourth quarter, I trekked back up to the top of the section to see if the RV had been moved. I arrived up there just in time to see a large two truck pull away what was left of the vehicle. Trust me when I tell you that the only thing remaining (and still smoldering, I might add) was the chassis and the four tires. The remainder of the big box was almost completely gone.

What I wondered at that point was if the owner of the RV was even aware that his rolling home was no more. I figured they must have at that point, as the tow truck probably wouldn't have taken it without the owner knowing. But, how much can it suck to drive to the stadium, probably with a bunch of friends, fire up the old stove and do some tailgating before the game, then (apparently) forget to turn off the stove, only to find your ride torched halfway through the third quarter.

The Giants won, 21-14. I hope that RV owner wasn't a Bucs fan.