I am alternately terrified of or in love with all of the men in the world at once lately, it seems. What the fuck?

Mood: melancholy

Last night I went with transfattyacid, nghtchyld, misc_elaineous, and finestdrops to see DJ Rap at Element. It was, quite simply, brilliant. She's got mad skillz, yo. We danced til just after 2:00 AM; I could have lasted much longer if I hadn't been wearing 4" heels. Oh well, at least they looked good... I'll refrain from wearing them when I want to dance in the future, though, especially since the balls of my feet still hurt this many hours later. All of that notwithstanding, I'll definitely go see her again next time she passes through town.

Today has been quite mundane. I slept until 1:00 PM! I never do that... I guess I just really tired myself out last night. Most of my day aside from that has been spent playing Civilization 3 (evil, evil, addictive game that it is) and eating pizza with Brian (roomie Corinne's boyfriend). Now, though, I've grown tired of Civ and no one's home. I am thus bored and immensely lonely. I know I could go a few different places and probably run into some friends, but last night I definitely partied myself out and am not in the mood for a bar. I had enough loudness last night to last me a week! I wanna watch a movie or something with someone. I just want relatively quiet company... Since I moved out of Chad's house I've noticed that I am definitely not an "alone" person... I mean yeah, I definitely like to have alone time for a little while here and there, but I do not like spending hours and hours alone at a time. Even if one of my roommates is home and we're both just hanging out in our own rooms, I feel better than I do right now. I just like having someone around most of the time. I wonder if that's a bad thing?

I need to find something to do other than sitting here whining. I rented both In America and Pieces of April; I guess I'll go watch one of those.

Mood: lonely

I wish you were awake.

Mood: relaxed

I just got back from hanging out with misc_elaineous, my roomie Corinne, transfattyacid, and her friend Heather. We all went to Element for 80's night; we got to hear some totally bitchin' new wave to which we all busted out our best Molly Ringwald dances, but the crowd was dead. We decided to try another bar, but that one was dead too. The third strike came when the third bar tried to charge us a cover at 1:00 AM--we thought that was ridiculous, and the crowd was somewhat shady, so we all decided to go home... Thus my presence online. Bored.

I hate to keep harping on about how I wish I had someone with whom I could share my time, but it's an overwhelming concern right now. I know, I know, once I stop looking they're come out of the woodwork, but I'm not really looking right now. I don't go out with the intent of getting hit on or hitting on people myself. I just want life to bring me that special person; it currently appears that none of the three guys life has brought me since Chad are gonna work out... I'm feeling very strongly lately about Chad, and that's really confusing to me. I have found myself really, really wishing we could work things out long term, but I'm not sure if that's convenience talking or my heart of hearts. I don't know if I should bother figuring it out, either--even though I'd be willing to wait for him to go through the first stage of his recovery, he still wouldn't relocate and I, quite simply, must at some point. I know there were things that bothered me about him and our relationship back then, and I'm really trying not to forget those things when I think about the im/possibility of a future with him, but other than the symptoms of his alcoholism it was all very minor stuff. I loved him in a way I never thought I could love anyone, and I know he loved me in return--"warts and all." I just don't know if I'm gonna find that again. Lately I don't know if I want to find that with anyone else. All I know for sure is that I miss him immensely. I ran into him at Java's today, and I nearly had a heart attack. I suppose I should have anticipated that possibility, but it didn't occur to me for some reason. I almost didn't hug him when I saw him because I was afraid I would cry, but I couldn't resist and ended up doing it anyway. I always feel so at home in his arms... I feel safe in a way I never had before or have since. I know he cares about me very deeply still, so I would imagine that his seeing me was somewhat traumatic for him as well. I just keep wondering, what does this mean? I can't get him out of my head. I know I should move on, but how can I when I can't picture certain events in my future without him? I don't know what to do. This all just a jumbled mess of thought right now... This is the first time any of it has left my head, so please excuse me if it's incoherent--I don't understand any of it myself, if that means anything.

Mood: confused

I've been watching all of these movies about love lately; I'm sure that does nothing to squelch my desire to find someone... I'm all over the place again lately.

Mood: frustrated

So the IRS is after me. Right.



It'll be fine.







I'm gonna go outside and just be--
I only wish I had someone to be with me.

Mood: apathetic

You are an apparition.



What am I?

Mood: contemplative

I wonder what would happen in places other than daydream, when things aren't entirely under my control and at my whim... The influence and input of other is sometimes inconvenient, but can also be very good.




A genuine day will come
When the wind decides to run
And shakes that stairs that stab the wall
And turns a page in a future age

Some trees will bend and some will fall
But then again so will us all
Let's turn our prayers to outrageous dares
And mark our page in a future age

High above the sea of cars
And barking dogs
And fenced-in yards

Mood: curious

Having those big ol' second thoughts about timing and the ilk...


I dunno if I should tell him yet. He called me last night after I left him the "I need to talk to you about something" voicemail, but I brushed it off when he inquired about it and asked him if he was going out when he called me back. If I do this, it's not gonna be online or on the phone because that, quite simply, is stupid. We were talking the other day and he said in no uncertain terms that he is not in the mindset to start anything new right now... Though I am pretty sure he's interested, it may behoove me to wait a few weeks. We'll see, I guess.


This is always so complicated... I just want to give and receive love, dammit.

Mood: awake

David.




I have to tell him.

( Read more... )

Mood: pissed off

Now for the real entry...

I have a lot to say. It's all been percolating inside my head for several days, and the lid's about to be blown off right here and now.

First I'll cover the relatively innocuous events concerning school. My last final was on Thursday morning, and it went much better than I thought it was going to go. It was for German 101, and before I took the test I received back my grade for the project I did on Run Lola Run. I got a fucking 98 1/2! How one earns a half of a percent for a grade on a paper is beyond me, but whatever. That could be enough, providing I get as decent a grade on the final as I think I'm going to, to push my grade up to a full A from an A-. I should find out my final grade tonight or tomorrow. I know that I got an A in Mass Communications; I'm not sure about Sociology yet, but it will definitely be either an A or an A-. I've registered for next semester's classes--at MCC. Yes, folks, I'm staying here for another year. I couldn't pass up free school. As much as I want to leave this city due to its harsh winters and depressed economic state, it just doesn't make sense right now. Additionally, all of my friends are here and they mean the world to me. I need the stability and love they provide... I just hope I give them as much as they're giving me. Anyway, next semester I am registered for 5 classes, and I'll be working the same amount as I am now (full time). I'm gonna go nuts, but it's only for 3 months. What's three months in the long run? I'll make it. In the fall I'll be taking a writing-intensive version of Art History (pre-renaissance forward), honors Social Problems, US History to 1865, Survey of Math (which is basically math-for-reasonably-intelligent-people-whose-majors-involve-no-math-usage-whatsoever), and German 102. I'm gonna make it a point to really, really enjoy the next few months off from school, because once it starts back up I'm gonna have essentially no social life whatsoever.

In other news, my brother let me borrow his 8-bit Nintendo last night, as well as bunch of games. Reliving my childhood in that manner should be fun. It'll be the first time in about 13 years that I have played Rampage, Wizards and Warriors, Ironsword (comeplete with Fabio cover art), Boulder Dash, A Boy and His Blob, Solstice, Deja Vu, Tetris, Bart Vs. The World, or Crystalis! I am such a nerd--I can't wait to bust this shit out.

This entry is getting way too long and this computer is pretty unstable (damned PCs), so I'm gonna post what I've got and put all of the rest in a seperate entry.

Mood: pensive

HAHAHAHA! I just walked upstairs after putting a frozen pizza in the oven for lunch, and I turned the corner to walk into the office to write this entry. While I was turning, though, I had my head turned the opposite direction because my roommate was talking to me from her room across the hall. Because my head was turned, I didn't see that the office door was closed and I thus walked straight into it! In case you didn't know, guys, I'm the coolest motherfucker around.

Mood: amused

I just typed out this huge entry about school being over and what lies ahead next semester, but the computer I'm using at the school lab froze on me and ate it. Suck.


A side note: Hooray for frigid scapulas!




Onward.

Men, dude, they suck. At least they're being sucky to me lately... But I got a phone call last night at 1:15 AM from one Mr. Brewster, basically "just to say hi, since we hadn't been in touch in a few days" and to ask me if I was out so that we could get together for some of our lieblingsgetranke. Unfortunately I'd gone home about 10 minutes before he called and was doing German homework, so I took a rain check. Sometimes I totally love that boy, even though transfattyacid doesn't fully approve. I mean, who does that? It's noteworthy in my book, especially since the other two currently under consideration don't. Guys in the world: CALL WOMEN! They like it! Yeah, I may hate the telephone, but it's nice to know I'm thought of. I'm thinking that things with all of the guys in whom I have vested interest are gonna crash and burn in the long run, but whatever. It's fun to have crushes anyway. I feel like I'm in Junior high school again, whispering about "boys" and not telling them a thing about it...

Shit, I gotta catch the bus home!




My office glows all night long
It's a nuclear show and the stars are gone
Elevator, elevator, take me home

Don't go, say you'll stay
Spend a lazy Sunday in my arms
I won't take anything away

Mood: tired

Do any of you have my Season One DVD box set of The Office? I know I lent it out, but to whom I can't recall... Please leave me a comment if you've got it! Thanks.

Mood: grumpy

Krankenwagen!!!


It means "ambulance," by the way, but it translates literally as "sick wagon." There's something slightly awesome about that.

Mood: crazy

Is he (1) worth staying? Is he (2) worth staying? Is he (3) worth staying? Is he (4) worth staying? Is he (4) worth not staying? I'm starting to get very confused about whether or not I want to go to Hawaii this summer, and nearly every reason surrounds various men in my life. Some familial, some not, some I've known for years, and some not. I don't care to get more specific than that right now. It's also hard because I love the northeastern US in the summer, even though my joints generally hurt like hell most of the time... I'm trying not to let the recent stretch of lovely weather we've had change my mind in and of itself. There's also the question of school--why should I take out a loan for several grand when I can stay at MCC for another year for free? I considered all of this stuff before when I decided, but the issues obviously have not been fully resolved within me. I guess I'll continue to think about it until I find out what my financial aid package looks like and base my decision on that. Meanwhile, I'll continue to work and save as if I were going, because I don't want to screw myself over in case I do decide to go. If I end up not going, I'll just use the money to buy a car or a computer or something.

Mood: confused

mamajama and I went to Dennis, Hyannis, Nantucket, Boston, and Newton instead of the Eyedea show this weekend. When I got back to Rochester, though, Sage told me that the Eyedea show was not cancelled as I'd thought it was. Apparently he called Eyedea and asked him why it was cancelled, and Eyedea told him it wasn't. If that was the case, why the fuck couldn't I find anything about it anywhere online? *banging head on desk* Oh well, shit happens. I had a great time anyway, and Sage didn't go to the show either. Now for the story about what did happen as opposed to what didn't...

We rented a little RAV4 on Friday, as previously stated, and didn't end up leaving town until dusk (around 8 PM). I drove the first leg of the trip; Lacey took over somewhere between Utica and Albany. She drove until we hit the Cape, and I drove the rest of the way to Dennis because her ass hurt so bad she wanted to die. We arrived at her psycho-alcoholic-possibly-crack-headed ex-boyfriend's house just before 4 AM, and at dawn I caught an intermittent nap (which, all added up, equaled about 45 minutes of sleep). I fared better than Lacey, though--she got only about 10 minutes in! We left wacko guy's house around 8:15 AM for Hyannis, and upon our arrival at the harbor Joe (crazy ex guy) insisted that we go see the Kennedy compound. We did--big fucking whoop-de-do that was--and then then parked at the harbor to take a ferry over to Nantucket for the day.

The ride there was 2 hours in the relative cold, and uneventful--Calm seas and all that rot. We got there and wandered around, seeing all there was to see within a mile or two radius of Straight Wharf. We eventually got some lunch; both of us had clam chowder and a beer. We then went on a mission to find a beach. We were successful, but were so tired from walking around all day that we walked too slowly back to the dock. Unfortunately we ended up missing the ferry back to the cape because of our lagging! Unless we wanted to be stuck on the island all night, we had to shell out an extra $15 for the later/faster/nicer ferry; we pretty much had no choice, so we paid the increase and slept nearly the entire way back to the Cape. I then drove us to Boston so we could stop at Faneuil Hall; I thought it was a pretty cool place back when I was 14 (that's when I last visited that city) and wanted to show it to Lacey. We schlepped there around for a bit and then called her friend in Newton.

We drove over to Lacey's friend (Dana)'s boyfriend (Jared)'s house and waffled for a bit about how to spend our evening. We eventually decided to head to the Kinvara, a celtic/Irish pub in Brighton. Unbeknownst to us, it was apparently High-School-Skirt-Wearing-Girl night at that bar, because it was clear to us old-timers that a good 2/3 of the people there were under age. Also, over the course of the hour or so we were there, it was jam-packed and I was a grand total of three girls not wearing short skirts. Lacey and I were both wearing jeans, so if you included us it made five. Though the bar was cool--good atmosphere, lots of authentic Irish people, and a fantastic Irish band--it was just too busy and we were too tired to deal with it any longer. We eventually just went back to Jared's house and all fell asleep. I slept like a rock for a good 9 hours--highly unusual for me, especially when I'm in an unfamiliar place. Dana and Jared were very cool, though, and I was ridiculously tired, so being anxious wasn't an issue. It also helped that Jared's roommate's bed (in which Lacey and I slept--no, the roommate wasn't there, get your mind out of the gutter) was very comfortable! :-)

Lacey and I woke up just before 10 AM on Sunday and got ready for the day. We each ate a yummy Dana-made chocolate croissant for breakfast and then got back on the road for Rochester. Lacey drove the first leg, until we decided to stop in Utica/New Hartford to visit Mr. Mike; he's from there and had gone home for the week he had between the end of his spring semester and summer session. We met him at Sangertown Mall (I think that was the name), had some yummy concoctions from Friendly's, and chatted a bit. Lacey is the first of "the crew" to have met him, and he earned a thumbs up. We'll see what happens, I guess. Mike is coming back to Rochester today, and we might hang out tomorrow. Perhaps I'll drag him to the Lilac Festival... We'll see. Anyway, at the mall Lacey spent $17 on these foot semi-sock things that I can't begin to describe, but they suited her. :-) After the rendezvous I drove us the rest of the way home at about 95 mph in order to have the shadow of a chance of dropping the car off on time.

We both had a great time, and both the Cape and Nantucket were beautiful. However, I think we're more tired and worn-out than before we left! We got the heck out of Dodge for a bit, though, and that was definitely a very good thing. I gotta go to class now... Blah.


Additionally, John Frusciante's solo records (especially the two most recent) are fucking fantastic. I highly recommend that everyone pick them up.

Mood: busy

I am at Casa de Lacey right now. We hit a bit of a snag in the car rental, but everything ended up okay. We even got upgraded two car-levels for free! Now we're rockin' a silver 2004 Toyota RAV4. Even though it's an SUV, it's very fun to drive! I don't think very many people have had the pleasure with this car yet, as it has only 4110 miles on it. Why I remember the specific number I have no idea, but whatever. Anyway, we're gonna end up arriving in Hyannis Port extremely late at night/early in the morning because we're running behind schedule. Luckily Lacey's friend is a late-night person and is leaving for Phoenix tomorrow morning. When last he and Lacey spoke, he said he'd go to bed when he got tired and wake up to party with us when we got there. He'll get his sleep on the plane tomorrow, I guess, while we're sleeping on the ferry ride to Nantucket.

So many idiotic things happened to me today! First I spilled coffee all over the floor and myself in German class, then I went to skruball's house to drop something off and succeeded in dumping a full 50 lb. bag of Dog Chow down his basement stairs. I also ran into his father there, which was a bit of a surprise. I cleaned up the dog food and subsequently... oh, Lacey's just about ready. I guess I'll finish the story of today when I get back! For now you'll all have to tremble with anticipa

Mood: blank

So rather than all the stuff I said earlier, mamajama and I will be leaving tonight for Hyannis Port, MA. We're going to stay at Lacey's friend's house there, and in the morning we're gonna take the ferry over to Nantucket and spend all day Saturday there. We'll head back to Hyannis Port at night for some sleep, and we head back to Rottenchester on Sunday. Hooray for islands, hooray for beaches, hooray for warm weather, and hooray for not being in Rochester! It's not gonna be quite as hot and humid there as it is here (supposed to be in upper 60's/lower 70's--pack accordingly, Lacey), but that's fine. This should be fun! Sorry, finestdrops, I can't bring you the Quahog clam anymore :-( Lacey and I will be sure to pick you up some other idiotic souvenir, though.

I bid you a fond farewell, ladies and gentlemen, and you'll hear from me again next week!

Mood: excited