there are six finalists
of the get-a-gmail-invite-from-tony contest



you, the reader, will pick three (3) winners out of the people below.
vote with your comments on this post of these semi-finalists:

ruzz
howard owens
travis from the xbi
chad
miss montreal
jared

p.s. i wont be doing any other blogging today due to the return of my suddenly chronic carpel tunnel

blog blog blog + kate + she's krafty + madpony is back

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i have three g-mail invites that i can send out.

and since my carpel tunnel is ridiculously painful tonight

and since the lakers are going to tie this series up 1-1

and since i will be at my true love's condo on wilshire

i figured that i should give the gift of gmail to you, my loyal readers

but how would i know who wants it?

so in these comments please either

1) tell me why you deserve/need/must-have the coolest free email service of all time

2) tell me what you will give me in return for the coveted gmail invite

3) tell me what you will give someone else if you get the invite from me

or

4) make an audblog post on your blog that doesnt suck.

tomorrow we'll figure out how to pick the winners.

good luck!

meanwhile here is part one of stuff from my answering machine:

1. tiffany and teera bored and giggling in their car in hollywood
2. danielle with blog questions
3. danielle omg
4. chris with a target run
5. my mom reviewing one of my blog posts
6. thirsty joe trying to make travel arrangements to nyc
7. linda wanting to visit while she hangs with lance a.
8. my uncle billy calling
9. my mom getting cut off

and here's part two

1. my mom telling me the ny times article was good
2. jeanine telling me a party is canceled
3. marc brown offerring dodger tix
4. barney giving the lowdown about prince aftershow shows
5. amy jo calling after seeing prince

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today is jeff solomon's 56th birthday



destined to be the first jewish california governor, jeff instead chose to play bass for the best band in all of hollywood, tsar.

probably the nicest man you will ever meet, i have had the great good fortune of being jeff's friend for about 13 years.

we've been in business together, we've written front-page news together, and he's fixed my computer on many occassions.

the busblog would not exist with out him. period. (and os.)

this year he became a proud pappa, last year we threw this suprise party for him, and hopefully next year you'll all see him accept his first of many grammys.

happy birthday to one of my very best friends, jeff s. who rocks

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Howard Owens writes:

Tony, I'll sign my name. No problem.

And I'll say I'm disappointed in you. Not surprised.

We've had some good times together and I think you're a great guy. Bright. Fucking great writer. Good tastes in all aethetic things in life.

I've always been silent on your rants against Bush. I didn't vote for the man. I've usually had doubts about him. But there are also things I admire about him. One of the things I admire about him is that he knows what he believes and he sticks to his guns. He has a belief system, and he sticks to it. Among those beliefs are a few that I share -- the value of freedom and a strong belief in the future of the free world.

These were also Reagans beliefs, which is why I came to admire him. Among many reasons, not the least of which is he was absolutely right about the Evil Empire, which was not something that I recognized back then. If Reagan did indeed fuck up in every other manner you care to name -- you can't take away from him that he was right about communism, and he killed the biggest communist dragon. For that alone he should be called a saint and a hero to all mankind. In that one stroke, he saved more lives than any number of millions of dollars that could have spent on AIDS research.

I know your whole "none of this is true" schtick, but when you write that you're glad an American citizen is dead, and that you wish he'd never lived, I wonder about you. If you believe it, I'm dumbfounded. If you don't, it's irresponsible to feed the bile of people who do.

It used to drive me crazy during the Clinton years when the right wing would demonize the man. It's beyond any reality that a Bill Clinton or a George Bush or a Ronald Reagan is 100 percent evil. People that argue against these men in these terms do not argue against the man in fact; they argue against a the man in fiction. They argue against a characture of a demon they have invented in their own minds. That's what you've done with Bush. That's what you have done with Reagan. The truth is far more sublime. I know you're capable of grasping such complexity. I wonder why you don't do it.

It may not win me any brownie points with you or our mutual friends to be so unsophisticated as to miss the possible irony of your post, if there is any, but I think it goes a bit further beyond good taste than what I can let pass without comment.

Howard,

I also enjoyed the great times that we've had together and I hope that we have more.

I can understand how you can be disappointed by me and confused and not suprised by what I write about Bush and Reagan and how I'm glad that one of them is dead and how I would be glad if the other died too, but I've learned to live with being misunderstood, and ive grown used to walking among the dumbfounded.

Still, I humbly respond to you in good spirits and with respect despite the amount of brownie points you may have with me or our mutual friends. (Which by the way remains high with me because sharing free baseball tickets is priceless, and I thank you for your genoristy and hospitality.)

but fuck ronald reagan and the readmylips turd that followed him and the corn in the greenest part of shit who now occupies our white house.

motherfucker dragged us three trillion dollars in debt, back when a trillion was worth something.

cut everything except the military, and wanted to spend even more on star wars.

and everyones all, but he brought down the wall but he brought down the wall.

you know what, fuck the wall.

plus it was still standing a year and a half after dutchie left office. so nice catchphrase but seriously, wtf?

plus eastern europe was fucked anyhow, the soviets could barely take on afghanistan without coughing up a lung (and some say it was that 10-year not-so-cold-war that brought the collapse of the soviet empire) and im supposed to just sit here and watch the kids today get fed the same heap of shit that i was served up as a lad?

which was the soviets all hated us and couldnt wait to nuke us and their army was just as mighty as ours and they were totally on par with us in every way, if not stronger, because Everyone there were ready to destroy us, whereas lazyass americans like me were getting distracted to atari, pop rocks, and ac/dc.

turns out, infact, reagan was absolutely wrong about the evil empire. they were broke, they were dumb, they had painted themselves into a corner, and put all their money into the wrong things: ammo, gymnastics, and booze. and today they are dust. not because of reagan reading laughable lines in germany,

but because they lived by fear and then died by it.

if reagan was such a badass mofo why didnt he also swing over to bejing and ask gorby to bring down that wall too.

and wait up mccarthy, but wasnt reagan exactly wrong about communism after all?

certainly not right about trade, for all i need to do is take a little walk down to my local 99 cent store, to see that not only do the commies in china know how to make friggin anything, but they can do it cheap, and they can do it in such a way that the average american only sees price and doesnt give two craps about alleged quality.

its a fucking boiled egg slicer. it's 99 cents, if it doesnt last forever i think i'll live.

and you cant point to cuba because mlb sure are buying up cuban players, and we both know that if we were playing fair with castro you and i would both be sipping cuban rum right this damn minute.

meanwhile when we do play fair, as for example like we do with our most favored nation, the us trade deficit against china, call it commie or not (it is), has swung in favor of the nuke-bearing dictators, mightilly. 3:1 in recent times. and im to believe that no form of communism works?

but fuck all this fucking bullshit. the bigger problem that i have with reagan, and in a much larger sense against bush is this: america, by pure numbers, should have a brilliant, powerful, charismatic leader who you dont have to quibble about to agree upon his brilliance.

shit we should have dozens, if not more.

out of nearly three hundred million people, one or two friggin geniuses should have risen to the top over the last twenty five years by now, capable of not only holding his own during the tough times, but able to lead this nation into a land of milk and honey during the good times. but instead you invite me to tolerate these knuckleheads. and you want to pretend that youre dumbfounded by me?

surely there should have been a visionary who could enunciate this fine country's dreams and organize a team who could make those dreams come true over a period of 8 years.

instead you ask me to not only settle for this bullshit but respect it? while trying to convince me that this is better than average? not only is all of this insulting, but a slap in the face of what could be the greatest country in the world.

that sort of blanket automatic forgiveness blind trust fosters the situation that we have today where a gallon of unleaded at $2.19 seems like a steal.

just because youve sold out, my man, doesnt mean that we all have.

some of us believe that america deserves better. and it might begin with allowing those who vote to have their votes actually count.

mr. reagans death should be a bedtime for bullshit, but how can we even get out of this murky morass of mediocraty if you insist on watering down the genepool of eligible candidates by suggesting that theres something about the incumbant thats admirable.

whats admirable is that he gets out of bed in the morning without bumping his head on the nightstand.

howard, this is america the beautiful. the land that i love.

i shouldnt be able to beat the holy fuck out of the commander in chief in scrabble, let alone economics, common sense, or trivial pursuit.

an alleged Christian, he couldnt even figure out a way last week to be on time for his audience with the fucking Pope, and you want me to acknowledge him as being something special simply because 47% of the nation voted for him.

you know what, fuck the 47% of the nation who voted for him.

and fuck them harder if they do it again.

the irony that you hope you're missing in my writings is surely there. and its hermetically sealed with the venom thats laced with the contempt, hate, and vitrol.

all these things were taught to me by the president who we will bury tonight.

he taught us to hate our enemies. to constructively engage racists. to flip flop and fire striking air traffic controllers. to turn our backs on the AIDS crisis. and to bypass congress in order to run guns to nicaragua.

yes there is a wall that must be torn down

and if i have to fucking do it my own fucking self i will.

but its not in berlin my friend.

there is a wall right here in the land of the free and its like a plank in the eye of freedom that shines sparkling like excalubur and it must be removed

never to return again.

i respect your support of these mediocre men, but i bet if they were doctors you'd avoid them, if they were horses you'd bet against them, and if they were beauty contestants youd pity them.

if they were pitchers one would have a curious change-up, and the other would have a hard time finding his way to the mound.

and i bet you they wouldnt even make it to the show.

but in the world of politics where image is everything and results are happy accidents you want to convince me that theyre all-stars and i just say no.

and i do it respectfully, with good will, and best regards.

makeout city + jaime + missie + popie

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sometimes when you strap on your helmet and climb into chopper one you feel like a superstar. a hero. a crimefighter.

indestructable.

sometimes you sit in there and you look out at hollywood underneath you and all you see is evil.

you dont know why this is the case, but sometimes it is, and everything bothers you and nothing goes right and you just want to print up your resume and find a better place for a better day.

and weirdly its not enough that reagans dead.

and oddly its not enough that most intelligent people, or enough people old enough to remember that horror show agree with you that the original forrest gump is gone.

not tom waits on the winamp

or the hottest girl in class sitting on your desk kicking her legs slowly showing off her new pastel capris.

and whats so ironic about all off this is its not the ulcers that are going to kick me out of the xbi, or the miserable job reviews, or the lousy pay, or thankless work, or the wizzing bullets, or the lack of oppportunity

its going to be this gd carpel tunnel.

what a pussyass way to have to leave this, the toughest most badass undercover underground vigilante group of superheroes since the lonesome masked men of the dark ages.

its so pathetic

im so ashamed.

theres a great pension that the xbi gives to guys who get hurt in the line of duty and i dont even want it im so ashamed.

its like getting paid for an ingrown toenail.

i almost want to tell them to cut my hands off at the elbow and give me some bionic shit to be able to get my shit together again

but i wont

cuz they will.

and maybe i will have to start looking at how to be a highschool substitute teacher after all.

like a bitch.

jane has a fake blog and she linked me + splinky added pics from her trip + kitty also has cool pics

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Bukowski: Born into This
starring Charles Bukowski, Bono, Tom Waits, Sean Penn
directed by John Dullaghan
busblog rating five stars (highest rating)

i had a killer weekend.

my true love came over. she threw out her back and was reacting poorly to her meds. it was awesome. super hot chick at my house who couldnt move and was so doped up that she couldnt say no.

we watched tv. we renewed our vows. we ate. we went shopping. we kissed. we hugged. it was beautiful.

i have never had a relationship where the feelings that ive had for someone when i was dating them remain exactly the same after we broke up.

we lay in bed and tell each other all the sweet things and we hold each other and we look in each others eyes and its magical. and its bizarre.

the bizarre part isnt the love. its the lack of jealousy. its the lack of wanting our relationship to be more than just friends. of course i want more, i would marry the ho if she let me, but just being around her is awesome. its like my anti-krytonite. its wonderful.

yesterday we woke up early and went to see the Bukowski documentary, which was wonderful. she asked me if i noticed all the similarities between my favorite writer's life and my own and i said nope.

she said, he even had the same zip code as you.

i was all, so.

she said, wasnt he wonderful and more gentle and more sensitive in a nice way than you expected?

and i said yes. very much so.

and she said, and all the girls he got once he started getting popular, didnt that remind you of someone?

and if a black man could blush i woulda right then but instead i put on my sunglasses

and we got out of the Showcase Theatre on la brea and the sun kissed our faces and we held hands and three ninjas jumped out from behind a hasidic man and i beat all their asses and we kept walking and she put her head on my shoulder and i said would you like to drive or would you like for me to drive

and we then drove down melrose and we listened to the new beastie boys record and it almost felt like both of us were on meds, but no, i was just at peace. i was happy.

some of the other girls :cough: anna might get upset but she shouldnt. this is real love. its something that cant be seeked out. its something that cant be contrived.

my true love and i had a one night stand early on in our relationship and i wanted to blow her off afterwards. the sex was great but i didnt see a future for us, and to be honest i wasnt completely 100% attracted to her at the time.

but cupid didnt care. he aimed and got my ass and i fell in love with my truest hard.

im still in love. im so in love i tell everyone im in love with her and fortunately the hot chicks know that its blind love which means i'll still give everyone a chance cuz theres nothing else i can do.

sometimes i wonder if my truest went to the voodoo woman and had her make me drink the love potion but put in way too much and it wont wear off for a few hundred years.

or more.

not even a hedgehog + negrophile + paul frankenstein

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one day i will die. and on that day i hope that if you respect me you will do the only thing that i have ever asked of anyone

and thats to be honest.

on the day that i die, if you happen to talk about me, tell the truth. if you always hated my fucking guts say you know what, i hated his fucking guts.

if you loved me to no end say i loved that peice of shit.

say i couldnt spell or i was lazy or my uncapitalization of letters drove you crazy or my objectification of women dissapointed you

if you kissed me and my breath stank say to the world that you kissed me and my fucking breath stank.

to me the highest respect that you could give to someone is truthfuless and the lowest diss you could make is to lie.

for in lying you are saying, "youre so fucking stupid i could sell you a load of bullshit and you'd buy it."

and by being honest and truthful and forthcoming you are saying, "i trust that you will take these truths and make something positive from it with me, because i want to make something good with you."

dont kiss my dead ass on the day that my spirit is lifted from this mortal coil.

if you liked me, tell me so while i can hear it.

if you didnt like me, have the nads to say so, and when people call you classless tell them to suck your big hairy black cock.

of course im happy when bad people die.

and if youre honest with yourself, let alone, me, you'd admit that youre happy when bad people die too.

and some people will inevitably say, oh i might have disagreed with his politics, but he was a super nice guy to me and my kids and gave us all his autograph

as if being nice and giving autographs means anything.

its what you do when it matters that counts.

i could be so "nice" to you but if i was a shitty writer or a shitty blogger or if you kissed my stinky mouth and i was a shitty kisser, those are the things that matter.

and if youre a shitty president of the united states of america, then fuck you, i dont care how bright your smile is or how many autographs you sign for the kids.

easist thing in the world to do is to learn how to bullshit people.

to learn how to smile, and remember peoples names, and have a firm handshake, and dodge questions, and make backroom deals.

hardest thing in the world to do is learn how to be super honest with people.

to learn how to communicate clearly, and trust people, and deal with the consequences, and accept the strange looks that people give you when they realize that youre actually being "real" with them.

which is why so few people in the spotlight are even truthful.

because its risky

and scary

and lonley and vulnerable.

unless youve done it for 100 years

and then its a peice of fucking cake.

theres a hot chick laying on my couch right now and its not miss montreal and its not clipper girls cousin and its not anna kournikova and its not the tan eyed girl and yet they all know who it is

its my true love

and shes hot and i will now escort her to my room.

and when i die i hope you play tsar on your stereo whether you liked them or not.

and fuck.

zulieka + kat + today is anti's birthday

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tsar live tonight 10p-midnight PST on 103.1 FM



click here to listen

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after calling the sitting president a fucking retard id be a fucking asshole if i didn't celebrate the death of the president who started all this bullshit.

the gipper today met the reaper and ive never believed that on a mans death everyone should kiss his ass if indeed he was an asswipe when he was alive, so fuck you mr president. im glad you're dead and i wish you had never lived.

the liberal press deemed him the great communicator despite the fact that he said only one great thing in the entirety of his presidency.

after he was shot by jodie foster stalker john hinkley he told his wife nancy

i forgot to duck.

funny.

other than that he was in office eight years and just smiled a lot and made people chuckle.

he never said squat that people are repeating nowadays.

his only legacy is one of spend spend spend and watch the next guy struggle to pay for it. an interesting strategy thats being used today.

the first bush couldn't pay for reagan's tax cuts, budget deficits, and 35% defense increases, but somehow clinton/gore was able to.

and from that reagan legacy, today's president is back to increasing the military, and spending the country into a $521 billion hole, with little popular backlash from those who consider themselves republican.

heck, if they didnt bitch twenty years ago, why would they bitch now?

what reagan showed the world was that if you called yourself republican, all you had to do was be a little goofy, and a little off, and smile a lot, and it didn't matter how much money you spent, as long as a lot of it was for the military, you'd be given a free pass everywhere else.

iran/contra? it's all good.

AIDS epidemic? whatev.

"I would have voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964"? its cool. its cool.

america liked him not because of his policies or his accounting. they liked him because he looked good in jeans and a cowboy hat. which is why they like the current president too.

they liked him because he was the punchy grampa that they never had. the one who slept through emergencies and called his wife "mommy".

television loved him because he was easy to imitate and he reminded people of a simpler time, the 40s and 50s when minorities were less visible and anyone could afford a house and a car.

ronnie was dopey and detached, his wife regularly consulted astrologers and outquipped him with her "Just Say No", and his daughter posed for playboy more-than unimpressively, and watch republicans go on about how the gipper was one of the greatest presidents of all time.

what i remembered was he had a less grasp on reality than even today's fuckup, but he was smoother, and was quick with the "i don't recall" card.

if he had remained a democrat there's no way he would have gotten the love that he got once he defected.

he grew far older than anyone ever expected

and with that at least ive said one good thing about the old coot.

which is one more than this amazing piece about the former president from rotton dot com.

66 things to remember + cnn's reagan obit from three years ago + i had reagan in the gmask death pool

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why the president is a fucking retard by tony pierce, 110

if you ever go to the special olympics you will see a spirit that is absent from any other sporting activity you'll ever witness: unconditional love and reward.

even the slowest, most fumbiling child who finishes a race gets a hug. a loving embrace for participating in the event. a symbol and an action that says, you tried and thats all that matters.

you are loved.

the only institution that mimics this behavoir is the united states of america and it's relationship to the president of the united states, george bush, and the people and things that he supports.

they treat him like the retard that they know he is

the tard inside of us all.

and regardless of what his results are, the attitude that they take is

you know hes a fucking idjit, give him a break already

while looking at you like youre the asshole.

if you say the economy is fucked the gas prices are ridiculous and the job market is in the pits, they will say ah but theres a recovery cant you see it?

even though bush is on track to be the first president since the great depression to have a net loss of jobs over his term.

if you say the war on iraq was unneccessary, too expensive, a failure, and a shortcut toward a new vietnam, they will say but the world is a better place without saddam.

if you say great, well we got saddam, so lets leave, they will say cant leave bro, too much unrest. we have to stay in there till everythings chill again. democratic elections and stuff.

and then if you ask, well what if these people elect another saddam? they will say, oh they wont. dont worry. they wont.

and they smile.

and theyre so certain.

just as certain as they were that we would find weapons of mass destruction in iraq.

and democrats love it when republicans are certain.

and the republicans said that it was a slam dunk that we would find wmd in iraq and so the democrats believed them. after all, who knows more about weapons of mass destruction more than republicans. shit, they probably sold them to saddam on the low down.

a month ago.

and they will say, dude we found a weapon of mass destruction last month. fucking bomb full of sarin! beeyootch!

sarin, of course being the man-made nerve agent first manufactured by the Nazis in 1938 and is part of the organophosphorus family of chemicals commonly used as pesticides.

sarin of course being the gas that was used in the terrorism in 1995 in the japanse subway system.

sarin of course being the agent that was instantly reduced from mythical heights to ho-hum lows after that very terrorism in 1995 because it proved that even in the highly dense enclosed envoirnment of the toyko subway system during rush hour, 6 liters of sarin will "injur" 6,000 victims but only kill 6, and thus a highly ineffective weapon of mass destruction.

sarin of course being a subsequent worthless "weapon" when used in the open battlefield or worse, the desert of central iraq, particularilly when only traces are found in a 155mm shell.

the 155mm shell with trace of sarin is the weapon of mass destruction that many conservatives point to as being the ah-ha smoking gun proof that iraq really did have wmd's even though Army Brig. Gen. Mark Kimmitt admitted upon inspecting that "It's virtually ineffective as a chemical weapon,"

the 155mm shell with the small amount of sarin gas, of course being the retard hug at the end of the long race that bush's supporters give him before he sucks through the straw on his juice box.

and anna kournikova who was over tonight said you know its really not cool to compare retarded people to the president.

and i said why.

and she said cuz its unfair to retards.

and this time, damnit, shes right.

welch + gorilla mask + buzznet

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caption this, please

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