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Thursday, May 20, 2004
Freaky Alien Love
That Mike Jericho, they'll mutter under their breath. I've always suspected he's a little weird.
Well, they don't know the half of it. But as it happens, today isn't about my particular brand of weirdness. Today is a day of alien hunks and babes, for that creepy-crawly little nerd in all of us, who wanted to make like Captain Kirk, cruising around the galaxy, making out with any carbon-based lifeforms that dug a slightly overweight guy in a beige velvet tunic and black tights.
My choice of Alien Babe and Hunk has been infuenced, I will divulge that much, although who it was that inspired my choice shall have to remain strictly anonymous, to protect their alien-lovin' freaky weirdnessness.
Gratuitous Alien Babe Pic of the Week #1
Major Kira Nerys, Bajorian
For something a little more naughty, in the way of Major Kira appreciation, see here or here.
Alien Hunkmeister of the Week #1
Commander Worf, Klingon
Sorry, but no naked Klingon pics are available.
Blogged by Mike at Thursday, May 20, 2004 //
Matrix Mutilated
Okay, since you all seemed to enjoy taking the piss out of LOTR so much, here's Dr Oxford once again, to elucidate for us exactly how it was that the Matrix came to bite, and bite hard.THE MATRIX: REJECTED
I've seen all three films in this franchise that's so sloppy and lowbrow that it's almost criminal.
Here's 50 Reasons to stay away.
by Dr. Albert Oxford, PhD
* The Wachowskis killed Jesus
Neo dies.
So let me get this straight. Neo dies and is resurrected in the original film, as a symbol of Christ's sacrifice to save mankind, the Wachowskis being in love with the idea of religious symbolism in their kung fu movies (notice that Morpheus wears sunglasses without earpieces, just like Allah).
According to them, therefore, Jesus, having been resurrected and taking his place as an invulnerable deity on Earth, will later die again in order to accomplish the exact same thing we all thought he had accomplished the first time around. I guess it's a good thing for us lost souls that your so-called "God" doesn't need sequels.
* It's like rooting for the Cubs...
The Matrix survives. The machines are not defeated.
After spending every second of the first two films setting up the machines as evil, murderous slavemasters with predatory dreadlocked sentinels slithering through the darkness, we're forced to buy into a truce between man and machine in the last scene?
And what about the little girl in the film, supposedly the first love child merging man and machine? Does this not imply a thankfully-unseen man and sentinel sex scene, with a nude man, shall we say, "interfacing" with its so-called "female data port" using his "boner?"
* He caught her! Oh, wait...
Trinity dies.
Boy, it's a good thing they based the entire second film around Neo keeping her alive. That was more than worth it. But don't worry, Trinity fans; your girl gets the same noble death as Cpl. Hicks in Alien 3.
Come to think of it, these films are like real life.
* War crimes
Seraph is revealed to be a former one, as most of us guessed by his stand-off fight with Neo. What is not mentioned is that this man is also responsible for the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Zionites in some previous incarnation of The Matrix since he obviously chose the other door in The Architect's TV shop.
Why was he not punished for causing this slaughter? And, being Japanese, we must ask if he pleasured himself at the thought of all that death?
* There's the Matrix! Shoot it!
Great plan for defending Zion, using those mechs to try to shoot the sentinels out of the air using machine guns, a technology available since 1939. I mean, there's no reason in the world to set up EMP devices around the perimeter...
Wait a second. Where did the humans get the Mechs? Or the ships? If these are leftover scraps from the great war between machines and man, how could they continually hold off the same force that defeated the original army at full strength? Maybe the Merovingian isn't the only machine who's also French.
* Neo is burning down the prom!
So we find out Neo was able to defeat the sentinels in Reloaded through a vague kind of telekinesis (you should have known, from the well-bent spoon handed to Neo by his young stalker in Zion). That would be fine, except there is no such thing as telekinesis. Here's proof: try to bend a nearby object with your mind.
See? You can't. Now try to shut down the nearest robot using the same method. Simply impossible.
* I'm dreaming of a white... cast?
Two actors were abruptly cut from the third film's cast before production ended, both female minorities. Coincidence?
Aaliyah and Gloria Foster were unceremonially dropped after shooting some scenes for Revolutions. What's wrong, guys? They didn't test well with the predominantly white Matrix audiences?
Neither actress could be reached for comment.
[Sorry to interrupt, but that one has me puzzled. Considering that in terms of gross % of cast members, white people were in the extreme minority, what is his beef? ~ Mike]
* More weird religosity...
So Agent Smith takes a human body, and the first thing we see him do is cut his palms, presumably in order to punish himself for his newfound masturbation ability? Bizarre.
* "She was not kissing your face..."
So they base a whole scene in Reloaded between the Merovingian and Persephone around his having lipstick on his anus due to a ladies' room rimjob?
I think I'll skip the Reloaded DVD deleted scenes, thank you very much.
* The Matrix Murders
The first film killed 13 students at Columbine High School, the disturbed trench-coated teens imitating the pipe-bombing, shotgunning film's finale. How many troubled teens are out there Reloading with the release of the sequels?
In fact, the only reason the U.S. Attorney General did not press murder charges against the filmmakers is because the movie was shot in Australia, giving it diplomatic immunity.
* The aborted American dream
Warner Bros. devoted $300 million to the production of the two Matrix sequels.
In the time the films have been in production, over one thousand American children will have died of starvation. For the cost of these films, each of those children could have been given one million dollars.
* Would You Like some Chicken with your Destiny?
In what had to be the most ridiculous product placement deal in history, Kentucky Fried Chicken paid Warner Bros. over $30 million to cast mascot Colonel Sanders as the Architect in the sequels.
"Finger-lickin' good?" I think that after this trilogy is finished, Matrix fans will be "licking their fingers" in disappointment.
* Reloaded Ridiculousness
Several times in the sequel Neo is seen flying at almost supersonic speeds. NASA experiments prove that such a velocity would tear a man's genitals off.
* Bruce Willis was a ghost the whole time!
Can we please have just one major studio movie without a trick ending? I won't reveal it because some of you have requested that I not, but Revolutions has a shocking surprise near the end that the studio has bent over backwards (probably in slow-motion, while dodging bullets) to conceal. All I'll say is that it has to do with the surprise return of a certain treacherous character who we all thought was dead in the first film. Can any of you decipher what I'm saying here?
* Reloaded Ridiculousness, 2
The machines added two new enemies for Neo in Reloaded, called the Twins. Their first priority is to blend discreetly into the simulated world of the Matrix, to walk among the people unnoticed. So of course the Matrix made them huge albino men with bleach-white dreadlocks who occasionally transform into shrieking wraiths.
"What's that, honey?"
"Oh, nothing. It just looks like a simple Kung-Fu Swedish Rastafarian Helldemon. I'm sure there's no need to question our fragile, sheltered grasp of 'reality' as we know it."
* The Matrix: Reconsidered
But the first film was great art, you say?
In the spoon-bending scene, watch closely. First we see Neo bend the spoon almost into a "U" shape... now watch carefully (freeze-frame it, for you DVD owners). A second later it's back to its normal shape again. Ironic that a film meant for no-attention-span kids also had a no-attention-span editor.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 2
After they sucked the "bug" out of Neo's abdomen, where was the gaping bloody hole the thing should have left? Even if Trinity had the medical training to re-tie the knot in his navel, we certainly didn't see her do it.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 3
In the same scene, the "bug" is casually discarded in the street. Better hope no one comes along and steps on the squirming, burrowing thing with their bare feet.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 4
You've worked as a policeman your whole life, protecting the innocent, enforcing the law. You retire with honors, then take a job as a security guard, working the metal detector on the ground floor of a skyscraper in order to help pay for your wife's arthritis medication. You're sitting there, on a slow day, reading your newspaper, when a girl walks in wearing a trenchcoat. She issues no demands, no warnings, no "freeze" or "drop your gun." She just tears you in half with a spray of machine-gun fire, then does cartwheels along the walls while killing all your friends.
Somewhere, faintly, you can hear a theater audience cheering.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 5
Neo can move faster than sound, yet can't move blindingly through bullet time and simply disarm the security guards rather than slaughtering them? It looks like Neo learned his disarming techniques from George W. Bush.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 6
Neo and his crew can generate an infinite number of guns in the construct, but can't come up with non-lethal weapons such as long-range tasers and sleeping gas?
Would not the "exciting" skyscraper shootout have been just as exciting if the two had been armed with the Vomit Sticks from Minority Report? Or are these lives not worth saving?
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 7
You are a hard-working single mother, making ends meet by doing time as a secretary in an office building during the day, a drug-store clerk in the evenings. You are on the office phone with the babysitter one quiet Wednesday afternoon, telling her how to calm little Dakota down, to get her to stop crying her eyes out asking why Mommy is never home, telling her that you'll be there soon, honey.
A split-second later your head is severed by a shattered helicopter rotor blade, the skull bouncing off a nearby wall, leaving a spray of arterial blood on a motivational poster. Your eyes bulge wide, your brain inside remaining alive just long enough to recognize the horror of your fate. Aviation fuel splashes in through the shattered windows and ignites, incinerating mothers, husbands, fathers, best friends.
And somewhere, a theater full of young, chubby males cheers because Trinity made it out before the crash.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 8
"If you wanna give me that juris-my-DICK-tion crap, you can kiss my ass."
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 9
You infiltrate a building to rescue a hostage who you can't afford to lose. Either his death, or your own death, would have unimaginable consequences for the entire living world. So, once you're inside and riding up the lift, it's a good idea to go ahead and set the building on fire by dropping a bomb on the first floor.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered, 10
It's the film's climactic battle between Agent Smith and Neo. It begins with Agent Smith walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run. But no; he stands and fights.
They fight for what seems like an hour, back and forth, an epic battle of good and evil. Neo takes a beating, comes back, finds his courage, becomes The One. He goes toe-to-toe with the baddest of the bad. After this long, choreographed, pivotal moment of the film, Agent Smith is left...
...walking down the subway platform toward Neo. Neo's friends tell him to run.
He runs.
Excuse me, ticket lady? I'd like a refund of the last fifteen minutes of my life. It would be like if at the end of Rocky, after sitting through the whole film, the main character just lost the fight anyway.
* Excuse me?
"I hate this place, this... zoo. It's the smell."
* By their fruits ye shall know them
I had attended a showing of The Matrix in May of 1999 with a lady friend, because we are both big Morgan Freeman fans. An hour into the film, as I observed what dreck we were wading in, I walked up and stood before the screen and tried to explain to the audience that this vomitus was below their dignity.
I was greeted by some of the most vulgar insults imaginable, until some began throwing objects and one man even knocked my pipe from my hand. Do you wish to be associated with a group of such character?
* By their fruits ye shall know the staff, too
After the above incident, I was the one asked to leave.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered further
If you need to get in touch with a person, you can simply call them at their office. You do not need to actually mail the phone to them.
* Two words:
Keanu Reeves.
* Two more words:
See above.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered further, 2
The film states that the humans attached to the matrix were kept alive by liquifying the dead and feeding it to the living, apparently pouring the mixture into their containers in the form of strawberry Jello. Such a diet would not be sufficient to support an adult human.
* The Matrix: Reconsidered further still
Bullets travel at over 900 feet per second. I don't care how fast Agent Smith and his friends pulled their triggers in that hallway, their bullets would not travel in a tight pack like that. It takes a tenth of a second for an automatic to recycle itself, meaning that by the time the second round left the barrel, the first bullet would be 90 feet away.
You should have heard my gales of laughter upon seeing this scene during my second viewing of the film. I fully expected the audience around me join in the derision, and when they did not I walked up and down each row, leaning over each seat and howling my gales of mockery right in their faces.
Once more, the staff removed me from the theater, rather than doing the proper thing and removing the film from the theater. Ridiculous.
* The Gaytrix
Hollywood's homophobia never fails to astound me. First, I applauded the romance between the two male characters, Neo and Trinity. Then I found later that, because of demands by Keanu Reeves, Trinity was actually played by a woman in shorthair.
(If you look closely in certain scenes of the film, you can make out breasts.) Where were the protests?
* By their fruits ye shall know them, 2
Average weight of the common Matrix fan: 276 lbs.
U.S. Census Bureau, 2001
* By their fruits ye shall know them: Reloaded
Average I.Q. of the common Matrix fan: 91. That's fifteen points below average, folks.
U.S. Dept. of Education Statistics, 2002
* The death of choice
The humans of the future are attached to the Matrix, in embryo-like pods. They receive nourishment from the Matrix, they cannot survive independent of it. They share a blood stream, their consciousness is provided completely by the mother system.
Thus, the humans are part of the mother's body and the matrix can terminate them if it so chooses. The film's suggestion that this is evil is a direct assault on female choice and the fundamental functions of motherhood. Can female slavery be far behind?
* Still not convinced the first film was rubbish?
The cybernetic army that took over the Earth, says the film, was solar powered. The human resistance responded by blotting out the sky.
A desperate measure, but surely the only choice they had. It was that, or, I don't know, postpone their counterattack until evening.
* This is your brain...
Speaking of which, does no one else have the problem with the blatant pro-drug message in these films? The idea that you can be transported to a magical wonderland where you have supernatural powers simply by inserting a needle into your skull?
Is it any coincidence that "jacking" (injecting heroin directly into the brain using a nine-inch long skull needle) became all the rage with our teenagers after this film?
* Hope you haven't just eaten...
And what was that white goo they were eating in the cafeteria? Would you eat something like that, having just seen it spill out of an apparent robot penis?
* Grow up
The policeman in the opening scene of the first film? Look on the credits and you'll see he's billed as Lt. Geyser Shitdick.
Infantile.
* Excuse me? 2
"I'm only good for two things. Degreasing engines and killing brain cells."
* There's a bug in the logic program!
Cypher, prior to his surprise return at the end of the second film, sells his friends out for a steak dinner. This makes sense, because, as he points out, aboard the ship all they have to eat is the "cold goop" grown in the ship's vats.
Of course, he could always get a steak in the ship's construct. He wouldn't be nourished by it, but it's the experience he wants. Or, they could all stop at an Outback Steakhouse during one of their many trips inside The Matrix.
Eh, betraying all of humanity to eternal enslavement was probably easier.
* There's a bug in the logic program! 2
If they're so hungry for meat, why not just cannabalize some of the humans attached to the Matrix? Their lives mean nothing, anyway.
* PVC problems
If you're going into physical combat, do not wear skin-tight black plastic clothes. The chafing will literally draw blood, as we saw when such uniforms were tried by the French Army.
* Moooooooo
Am I wrong to say that, despite the criticism of myself and other members of the intellectual elite, that this film will still make obscene amounts of money in ticket sales? Hollywood knows how to push buttons, and it knows Matrix fans inside and out. These lowing cattle will lap up the multimillion dollar flash and fire just as beasts stand in the pasture and lap up their evening bowls of cow pudding.
Oh, yes, I think it is safe to say that once all you Matrix fanboys out there get a load of the blinding, hyperkinetic Reloaded climax, you'll walk out of the theater still very pale, fat and lonely.
* Also consider...
Keanu Reeves.
* Hacker heroes?
"He's been going for ten hours straight. He's a machine."
That's right. The first indication that Neo was The One was his ability to spend ten hours sitting in a chair. There's your hero, computer dorks! "Hey, check out the neuralkinetics between the chair and his arse!"
* Hacker heroes? 2
Computer nerds are heroes? The good ones are listed among an elite, chosen few?
That's odd, because I mastered the complex code it took to format this web page in half an hour. I guess that means I'm The One! He's something alright.
Blogged by Mike at Thursday, May 20, 2004 //
Wednesday, May 19, 2004
Death Synopsis
What video was this bozo watching?It took the masked men almost 20 seconds to decapitate Nicholas Berg, the American civilian who fell into the hands of ruthless assassins in Iraq. Maybe he watched the "greatest hits" version.
Unlike him, I actually watched the video, and I bothered to take note of the screen counter on the bottom-right of the screen. Even placing aside the more than ten seconds that are cut out of the end of the barbaric scene - as the incompetent retard fuck Abu Musab Zarqawi has a really hard time cutting through the bound and physically restrained man's spinal column - it still took more than 50-55 seconds for Berg to (discernably) pass into an unconscious state.
This level of journalistic slipshoddery makes me want to retch.
Blogged by Mike at Wednesday, May 19, 2004 //
Poor Colin
Not only was the man born mispronouncing his first name, but he probably occupies the least appreciated position (aside from Rummy) in the entire cabinet. No wonder he's getting snappy.
Cox and Forkum are easily the very finest political cartoonists around.
Blogged by Mike at Wednesday, May 19, 2004 //
The venerable William Safire deals a mortal blow to the party to dismiss all proof of the existence of WMD's in Iraq (free NYT registration req'd).Sarin? What Sarin?
By WILLIAM SAFIRE
Published: May 19, 2004
You probably missed the news because it didn't get much play, but a small, crude weapon of mass destruction may have been used by Saddam's terrorists in Iraq this week.
The apparent weapon was sarin gas, a highly toxic nerve agent that causes victims to choke to death. Developed by the Nazis, it has been used in the past by terrorists in Japan to kill a dozen subway riders and panic thousands, and by Saddam Hussein, who produced tons of it to kill Iraqi Kurds.
Rigged as an "improvised explosive device," or roadside bomb, the 155-millimeter howitzer shell was accidentally detonated by a U.S. ordnance team. Two men were treated for what an Army spokesman called "minor exposure" to the nerve gas.
You never saw such a rush to dismiss this as not news. U.N. weapons inspectors whose reputations rest on denial of Saddam's W.M.D. pooh-poohed the report. "It doesn't strike me as a big deal," said David Kay.
"Sarin Bomb Is Likely a Leftover From the 80's" was USA Today's Page 10 brushoff; maybe the terrorists didn't know their shell was loaded with sarin. Besides, say our lionized apostles of defeat, a poison-gas bomb does not a "stockpile" make. Even the Defense Department, on the defensive, strained not to appear alarmist, saying confirmation was needed for the field tests.
In this rush to misjudgment, we can see an example of the "Four Noes" that have become the defeatists' platform.
The first "no" is no stockpiles of W.M.D., used to justify the war, were found. With the qualifier "so far" left out, the absence of evidence is taken to be evidence of absence. In weeks or years to come — when the pendulum has swung, and it becomes newsworthy to show how cut-and-runners in 2004 were mistaken — logic suggests we will see a rash of articles and blockbuster books to that end.
These may well reveal the successful concealment of W.M.D., as well as prewar shipments thereof to Syria and plans for production and missile delivery, by Saddam's Special Republican Guard and fedayeen, as part of his planned guerrilla war — the grandmother of all battles. The present story line of "Saddam was stupid, fooled by his generals" would then be replaced by "Saddam was shrewder than we thought."
This will be especially true for bacteriological weapons, which are small and easier to hide. In a sovereign and free Iraq, when germ-warfare scientists are fearful of being tried as prewar criminals, their impetus will be to sing — and point to caches of anthrax and other mass killers.
Defeatism's second "no" is no connection was made between Saddam and Al Qaeda or any of its terrorist affiliates. This is asserted as revealed truth with great fervor, despite an extensive listing of communications and meetings between Iraqi officials and terrorists submitted to Congress months ago.
Most damning is the rise to terror's top rank of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, who escaped Afghanistan to receive medical treatment in Baghdad. He joined Ansar al-Islam, a Qaeda offshoot whose presence in Iraq to murder Kurds at Saddam's behest was noted in this space in the weeks after 9/11. His activity in Iraq was cited by President Bush six months before our invasion. Osama's disciple Zarqawi is now thought to be the televised beheader of a captive American.
The third "no" is no human-rights high ground can be claimed by us regarding Saddam's torture chambers because we mistreated Iraqi prisoners. This equates sleep deprivation with life deprivation, illegal individual humiliation with official mass murder. We flagellate ourselves for mistreatment by a few of our guards, who will be punished; he delightedly oversaw the shoveling of 300,000 innocent Iraqis into unmarked graves. Iraqis know the difference.
The fourth "no" is no Arab nation is culturally ready for political freedom and our attempt to impose democracy in Iraq is arrogant Wilsonian idealism.
In coming years, this will be blasted by revisionist reportage as an ignoble ethnic-racist slur. Iraqis will gain the power, with our help, to put down the terrorists and find their own brand of political equilibrium.
Will today's defeatists then admit they were wrong? That's a fifth "no." Call me an idealist, but I haven't given up hope that democracy might yet spread to those Muslims with more than a single braincell laying dormant in their dogma-addled craniums.
Blogged by Mike at Wednesday, May 19, 2004 //
Nick Who?
Great Article in the Jewish World Review.The news media and Nick Berg
By Dennis Prager
For those who still doubt that ideology guides most of the world's major news media, the reporting of the Islamic ritual murder of Nick Berg provided textbook examples of an almost universally leftist bias. News media have essentially become propaganda organs for anti-Americanism.
We have already seen the hysteria over the Abu Ghraib abuses, with the daily running of photos on front pages and the continued news and editorial preoccupation that greatly damage the war effort. (If German prisoners in World War II had been stripped naked and humiliated to get information to save American lives, would any major American paper have published the photos during the war?)
On the day The New York Times reported the savage murder of Berg - in the most subdued fashion of any major paper in America (just one column on the front page, with a photo, the smallest of three front-page photos, at the bottom of the column) - its lead editorial was yet another in a series denouncing the Bush administration for prison abuses in Iraq.
Now, the Berg murder provides further evidence of how a leftist worldview determines the way news is presented, namely the media's depiction of it as "revenge for America's Iraqi prison abuses."
The vast majority of the world's news media are so anti-American and so morally confused that they reported the claims of anti-American butchers as if they were facts. Nick Berg's murderers said their butchery was revenge for American abuses in the Abu Ghraib prison, and the world's press dutifully published this as if it were a fact (or even worse, as if it were an understandable, though admittedly extreme, act of revenge).
Here are examples of the headlines - not subheads - in major American newspapers:
"American beheaded in revenge for abuses" - The Atlanta Journal-Constitution
"Grisly Vengeance" - The Hartford Courant
"Militants avenge abuse with taped beheading" - The Des Moines Register
"Vengeance on Video" - The Arizona Republic
"With a Vengeance" - Newsday (Long Island)
Lest their readers be distracted from the real evil in Iraq - the American treatment of Iraqi prisoners - some newspapers actually conflated that with the Berg murder in their headline:
"Amid prison inquiry, revenge" - Minneapolis Star Tribune
"U.S. civilian beheaded in Iraq; abuse responsibility in dispute" - The Providence Journal
On the other hand, the few non-liberal newspapers in America had very different headlines, making no mention of the "revenge" claim:
"Terrorists Behead American" - The New York Sun
"Pure Evil" - New York Daily News
"Savages" - New York Post
"Bastards" - Philadelphia Daily News
Perhaps the starkest example of the pronounced leftist impact on news reporting is the difference between the headlines in Canada's two major national newspapers. The headline in the liberal Globe and Mail was "Murderous revenge: U.S. hostage dies in wake of Iraq prison abuse." The headline in the conservative National Post was "Al-Qaeda Beheads American." Even its subhead had no connection with the supposed vengeance: "Businessman was in Iraq to help build antennas."
Furthermore, the National Post devoted all six of its columns to the headline and the story, while The Globe and Mail devoted four columns and reserved its biggest print headline to "Oil at $40 worsens the 'pain.'"
Revenge? Islamists slaughtering innocents is never revenge. Was the slaughter of Wall Street Journal reporter Daniel Pearl in Pakistan "revenge"? The terrorists called Berg's murder "revenge" in order to justify their savagery and because they know that the world press is so malleable and so anti-American that it will print their lie.
Finally, Nick Berg was slaughtered, not beheaded. The world's news media distorted the nature of the savagery inflicted by Islamic "militants" on a young American man who went to Iraq to help Muslims. While he was indeed literally beheaded, that word does not accurately convey what was done to him. Nick Berg was slaughtered in the way an animal is. People who are beheaded have their heads chopped off. Nick Berg's head was cut off. This huge difference was completely missed by the media. Why? Because "slaughter" implies moral judgment, while "beheading" does not. Just as "terrorist" implies moral judgment, and therefore "militant" is preferred. The media's attempt to be morally neutral frequently leads to distortions of fact.
The bottom line is that the United States of America is fighting the world's news media as well as Islamic totalitarianism. Until we understand that, we have no chance of winning. The second-to-last point is well made, I think. There is a very real and valid distinction between the clean and swift severing of a head with a large sword or guillotine, and the slow, grossly inefficient and unnecessarily inhumane hacking of a head off with something that is little sharper than a breadknife.
Blogged by Mike at Wednesday, May 19, 2004 //
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
If he could sew, it'd be something
Blogged by Mike at Tuesday, May 18, 2004 //
One List to Mock Them All
In order to more fully celebrate the upcoming (25th) DVD release of the final installment of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, I've decided to feature a few of the reasons that the series did not in fact succeed in telling a marvellous tale, but instead, just sucked. That is, according to this guy, who has enough spare time, misogyny and reserves of natural anal retention to think of and then list 50 reasons why the series stunk.
To save time and space, I've just ripped off the more humourous of the fifty.10. Horse sense.
Why didn't they take horses on their quest? Or even better, why didn't Gandalf's giant flying bird friend haul them into Mordor? Watch out, Frodo! All of your methods of transportation have been swallowed by the Dark Lord of the Plot Hole!
14. Did someone say plot hole?
Liv Tyler's character is seen easily defeating nine strong supernatural beings, even though she is clearly a woman. Don't look at me like that. I warned you he was a tongue-in-cheek misogynist.14. The Battle Droid Syndrome.
The mutated muscular soldiers of Mordor turned out to be hilariously ineffective fighters, a dozen of them held off by a single dying human. Apparently they made the beasts by crossing Orcs, Goblins and the French.
17. Invisible Implausibility.
Every time Frodo or Bilbo went invisible with the ring they should have also gone BLIND. Your eyes cannot function unless light is reflected off the cornea. If light passes through it (as must be the case with invisibility) sight is no longer possible. Also, rings do not turn you invisible.
18. The Asbestos Wizard, II.
The giant fire beast thing at the end of part 1 was breathing a firey breath hot enough to send heat-distortion waves through the air. The sheer temperature of the air should have burned off Gandalf's beard and eyebrows. None of my reading on evolutionary biology reveals a single reason why a particular race of humans would develop unflammable facial hair as this would provide practically no advantage in either survival or mating.
19. Go-Go Gadget Arrow Sprouter.
Legolas shoots arrow after arrow at his enemies, and yet the number of arrows in his quiver never decreases. I guess elves have glands on their back that secrete arrows.
23. Watch out! He's going to explode!
The heroes are shown eating again and again, and yet no one ever goes to the bathroom throughout their entire quest.
25. Propaganda.
The Elves, clearly the most advanced and wise species, are also clearly gay.
37. Weighty issues.
AKA "Plot Hole No. 273." Even with all that walking and light eating, the character of Sam only got fatter.
38. Realism, schmealism.
Liv Tyler's immortal elf volunteers to give up her eternal life for a single romance with a human man. Could any man really be that well endowed? I find it unlikely.
39. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow.
The most advanced civilization is that of the elves, which are long-haired, new-age types? Sorry, Mr. Jackson, but modern science has proven that in any modern civilization, hippies would be extinct.
43. Rationalization for violence.
Why, in part 1, is the black octopus creature painted as the bad guy when it attacks, when one of the fellowship had clearly been throwing rocks at it?
44. The Shoeless Land.
The Hobbits both 1) refuse to wear shoes and 2) run a livestock-based farming economy. Wouldn't they constantly be stepping in crap? Why doesn't the movie address this issue?
45 - 48. Casting.
Why couldn't Frodo have been played by Christopher Walken?
Why couldn't Gandalf have been played by Bruce Campbell?
Why couldn't Bilbo have been played by Vin Diesel?
Why couldn't Strider have been played by a monkey?
50. Damn you, gravity!
The giant firebeast thing is defeated by Gandalf when he destroys the bridge, sending the creature plunging to its death... despite the fact that it has wings. Emails from anorak-wearing nerds, correcting me on a mistake made by this guy will be traced, and their originator eliminated with prejudice.
Blogged by Mike at Tuesday, May 18, 2004 //
Galloway Ought to be Tried and Executed
That is, after all, the established modus operandi for the expedient dispatch of traitors. Unconvinced that the mad Scottish MP's views aren't anything more than the misguided anti-American effusions of the left? Read on, for Johann Hari has read the man's book, and offers some fascinating insights.'I'm Not the Only One' by George Galloway
Pure Ba'thist propaganda
It is not the allegations that he was being paid by Saddam Hussain - soon to be settled in the libel courts - that will destroy George Galloway. No, it is this book. In this strange, repetitive little manifesto - marketed as an autobiography, but is in fact a short and incoherent rant - Galloway does not just shoot himself in the foot; he machine-guns his own legs to pieces.
Galloway has never before had to give a sustained account of his attitudes towards the Ba'athist regime in Iraq. To his credit, he opposed Saddam's tyranny in the 1980s when the Americans supported the dictator and his acts of genocide. But - like so much of the Left - when the Americans switched sides, so did he. Hatred of American power appears to be his primary motive, rather than any positive left-wing values of his own.
I have often wondered how he reconciled his shift - from anti-Saddam to desperately trying to rescue his regime. Now we now. Unlike the vast majority of those who opposed the recent war, he has crossed over into blatant, full-throated apologism for dictatorship. Initially, he tries to keep up the pretence that he consistently opposed Saddam. He claims that when he saluted Saddam with the words, "Sir, I salute your courage, your strength and your indefatigability", he was in fact addressing "the 23 million Iraqis, not their President." If you wanted to salute the Iraqi people, George, why do it in front of a man who had just murdered over 100,000 of them?
The early chapters are filled with clouds of hazy Lennonist idealism, with vague talk of 'justice' and (with no irony) the declaration that "My flag is red, my country is the future." This is all unconvincing. When Saddam arrives in Galloway's story, however, we begin to hear the MP's authentic voice.
The extent of totally discredited Ba'athist propaganda on display here is staggering. All those who, in the past, have denied that Galloway has mutated into a Saddamist will simply have to recant when they read this book. For example, Galloway actually refers to the Shi'ites Saddam murdered in the 1980s as "a fifth column" who actively undermined the Iraqi war effort in the interests of their countryís enemy." Nobody outside Saddamís squalid regime used this terminology; it was purely a justification for the mass slaughter of the dictator's enemies. It has been extensively documented that very few Iraqis supported Iran. They were killed because they opposed Saddam, not because they backed Iran, and Galloway must know it.
How about the passage where Galloway defends Saddam's claim to Kuwait, describing the province as "clearly a part of the greater Iraqi whole stolen from the motherland by perfidious Albion"? What about the fact that Galloway repeatedly refers to Saddam's statements and actions as coming from "the Iraqis", as if Saddam was their legitimate representative rather than their oppressor? For example, he says that in the First Gulf War, "I made my stand with Iraq." No you didn't, George. You stood with Saddam; conscript Iraqis - most in their teens - were being sent to be slaughtered in the name of an invasion they did not support.
Take a look at Galloway's statement that, "In my experience none of the Ba'ath leaders have displayed any hostility to Jews." This beggars belief: the Baíathists had publicly hanged Jews, and the Iraqi newspapers (all Ba'ath-sanctioned) were filled with insane ranting against global Jewry. In all his many visits to Saddam's Iraq, did he not pick up a single newspaper?
Or how about Galloway's claim that Saddam's mass murder of democrats, Kurds and other anti-Saddam forces in 1991 was a "civil war" that "involved massive violence on both sides"? Again, only Ba'athists have ever used this language or narrative. The reality is very different. In 1991, a vicious tyranny exterminated its enemies. For Galloway to claim that two morally equivalent sides were simply fighting it out is staggering: he is equidistant between a poisoner and the medical crew waving an antidote.
Every single criticism of Saddam is quickly relativized in this way. When Galloway is shown the vast scale of Saddam's palaces, he replies, "Our own head of state has a fair bit of real estate herself". Yes, but British people are not - to use Galloway's words - "dying like flies" on the streets outside. The most bizarre example of Galloway's moral relativism is when he says, "Saddam was a ruthless and cruel man who thought little of signing the death warrants of even close comrades. In this regard he was little different to the leaders of most regimes: we just don't know it in our own countries yet." As if Tony Blair is about to start gassing the SWP and the Tories. As if George Bush is going to start building mass graves in California.
Galloway dares to criticise Christopher Hitchens as an "apostate", when in fact he has consistently been opposed to Saddam and in favour of getting rid of him.
But that is precisely what Galloway cannot stand. There are even large slabs of praise for Saddam in this rancid book. "Just as Stalin industrialized the Soviet Union, so on a different scale Saddam plotted Iraqís own Great Leap Forward," he says, and amazingly, this isn't a criticism. "He managed to keep his country together until 1991. Indeed, he is likely to have been the leader in history who came closest to creating a truly Iraqi national identity, and he developed Iraq and the living, health, social and education standards of his own people."
He adds a few paragraphs later, "Democracy is not a panacea and the benefits of the Westminster model are often oversold in relation to Third World countries." Tony Benn describes him on the book's cover as "one of the finest democrats of his generation", even though Galloway has openly supported an anti-democratic coup in Pakistan and stressed the importance of "holding [developing] countries together" over democratic rule.
On and on the praise and excuses for Saddam continue. The dictator "may have been a killer but he was not a thief" - a statement that will be shocking to Iraqis whose wealth was pillaged by Saddam for decades. Perhaps the most obscene statement of all come when Galloway libels the Arabs he claims to love. "A majority of Arabs and Muslims [believe] the good Saddam did was more important than the many debits." In Iraq - the Arab country that had to endure Saddam's rule - fewer than 5% of people think he did a good job or want him back. "Over time I came to love Iraq as a man loves a woman," he declares. Well, by reciting Ba'athist propaganda you certainly screwed them, George.
His attitude towards the Palestinians is similarly destructive. Like him, I am disgusted by the 36-year Israeli occupation of Gaza and the West Bank and want it to end immediately. But I believe the solution is two states: a safe Palestine next to a safe Israel. Galloway is too cowardly to explicitly oppose a two-state solution, but his wild rhetoric suggests he seeks the very opposite of peace - the destruction of Israel itself, an impossible, loathsome aspiration that is condemning both Palestinians and Israelis to eternal war. For example, he describes the whole of Israel - not just the illegal outposts on the Occupied Territories - as "the West's settler-state sentinel"; how could such a state ever be acceptable? How could it ever deserve to exist? He never mentions the ideal of two states in this book - not once.
He even skirts very close to praising the tactic of suicide bombing which - quite apart from deliberately targeting civilians (often children) and therefore constituting a crime against humanity - has been a disaster for Palestinians themselves. "Virtually alone of all the Arab dictators," Galloway notes with a moist twinkle, "Saddam's endless protestations of fidelity to the Palestinian cause were sincere and, as the families of the martyred and wounded know, he put Iraq's money where his mouth was." Saddam paid young Palestinians to blow themselves and innocent Israelis up. Yep, what a hero. What a friend to the Palestinians. What fidelity.
Galloway's sophistry about Israel is clear when he imagines a conversation with an elderly Palestinian who laments that Israel is full of people "who had houses of their own in Brooklyn, London or wherever". No mention of, say, Poland or Germany - Galloway pointedly evades the main reasons why the state of Israel was created - or the 800,000 Jews ethnically cleansed from Arab countries in the years that followed. No supporter of Palestinian national self-determination should promote this kind of disingenuity - only when both sides understand the others' reasons for being in the Middle East can there be peace.
I was intrigued to discover how Galloway's psyche became like this. How did a working class lad from Dundee turn into a dictator-saluting, anti-democratic monster? Yet the autobiographical elements of this book are so Karen Carpenter-thin that it's very hard to find out. He talks about randomly meeting a representative of the Palestinians in the early 1970s, and visiting the Territories for the first time in 1976; that's pretty much the sum of his explanation.
His failure to describe much of his own life is a shame, because there are many, many controversial episodes that it would be intriguing to see Galloway account for. Like the time he was accused of misusing funds of the charity War on Want, a charge he was absolved of when he explained that staying in luxury hotels for a charity committed to combating third world poverty was a legitimate expense. Or his on-going struggle with the Charity Commission over the fund he set up for Iraqi children - a fund he proceeded to use for political activities and trips.
He lambasts "the Charity Commission's politically inspired witch-hunt" - a reasonable investigation into his fund-raising - with more vehemence than he ever musters for Saddam's genocide or the ethnic cleansing of the Marsh Arabs, which is never mentioned in the book. Indeed, if this tome was your sole evidence, you would assume that the British Labour Party and the Charity Commission were Satanic tyrannies, while the Ba'ath Party and countless other dictatorships were basically decent with a few uncharacteristic lapses.
Some of the problems the book describes - like horrifying global inequalities - are very real, but Galloway's solution - a proliferation of neo-Stalinist dictators - would make them even worse. Indeed, Galloway presents a recipe for global famine: the supression of all markets and the conversion of the world into an immense Cuba (Fidel is "not a dictator", apparently), declaring that "capitalism" is the greatest mass murderer in all history, quite dwarfing Hitler's genocide."
Reading this tiny book (more a pamphlet really) in one short sitting made me feel as though I was trapped in a lift with a crack-smoking Stalin. Galloway approvingly cites a description of him from the Guardian as a "left-wing Lawrence of Arabia." It's more astute than he realises. Lawrence stood with Arab tyrants too, arguing that Arabs were too stupid and culturally backward to govern themselves, and were temperamentally suited to "strong men". So does Galloway. No George, you're not the only one. If only ... This article appeared in the Independent (14/05/2004).
I'm with John Malkovich. Galloway needs to be brought to a swift and decisive conclusion.
Blogged by Mike at Tuesday, May 18, 2004 //
Ballistic Fun
Charles Q. Cutshaw takes a look at the rise in popularity of compact PDW (personal defence weapons)
H&K; MP7 PDW
Personal defense weapons (PDWs) have been of military interest for some time. The United States issued a PDW requirement several years ago, but never brought it to a solicitation. Britain's Ministry of Defense, however, declared its intent to purchase some 15,000 PDWs between 2003 and 2005.
There has been no final action on this solicitation and like the American requirement it now appears dormant.
H&K;'s MP7 was clearly in anticipation of the UK requirement and others that might potentially follow, although PDWs as a class of small arm have yet to be adopted by any military service.
Neither Fish Nor Fowl
PDWs are intended to arm soldiers whose duties are not near the forward combat area, soldiers whose duties require their hands to be free, and soldiers whose duties do not normally require an infantry rifle. They essentially bridge the gap between pistols and rifles, being chambered for a cartridge whose ballistics exceed those of the former, but are less than those of the latter.
In that context, H&K;'s MP7 is the quintessence of a PDW. Whether or not PDWs as a class of small arm will establish itself is not within the purview of this brief article, but any new weapon such as the MP7 combined with an untried cartridge entails a degree of risk for the manufacturer.
Technically, H&K;'s MP7 is a state-of-the-art small arm. The receiver and external components are virtually all of polymer construction, as are other recent H&K; designs, such as the G36 rifle and UMP submachinegun. The PDW is chambered for a new cartridge, the 4.6x30mm (.18 caliber), developed jointly between H&K; and Royal Ordnance Radway Green.
Detail Inspection
H&K;'s MP7 is a locked breech, select fire, gas-operated small arm. The gas system utilizes a short-stroke piston to drive the bolt carrier assembly to the rear. The MP7 has a cold hammer forged, chrome-plated barrel with six lands and grooves with a right hand twist. The bolt mechanism uses the tried and true Stoner principle with a multiple lugged bolt in a carrier that uses a cam and pin mechanism for locking and unlocking.
The reflex sighting system is made for H&K; by Hensoldt and is mounted on a MIL-STD-1913 rail. The optical sight has relatively long eye-relief, so it can be used either close to the eye when the MP7 is fired as a carbine, or at arm's length when the PDW is fired as a pistol. The optical sight works either by using ambient light or under low light conditions, from a battery or tritium insert. There are backup open sights in case the optical sight becomes damaged or is removed.
The MP7 feeds from a detachable staggered-row box magazine. Two magazines are available -- 20 and 40 round capacities. The magazine well is in the weapon's pistol grip. The MP7 has a folding foregrip and collapsible buttstock. Cyclic rate is approximately 700 rounds per minute.
Hot Brass And A Caution
We found the MP7 to be very pleasant to shoot. The controls are well-placed, fully ambidextrous and intuitive to use. The sliding buttstock retracts easily into its fully extended position and the foregrip aids in maintaining control in fully automatic fire.
Our only possible complaint about this little weapon is that its barrel is so short that the potential exists for a user to place his or her hand over the muzzle under stress.
 We should note, however, that H&K; has placed a "hook" at the forearm tip to prevent one's hand from overriding it and inadvertently covering the muzzle. We preferred to shoot the little PDW using the folding foregrip. The MP7 was easy to control both in rapid-fire semiautomatic and full automatic. Felt recoil was negligible, and muzzle rise virtually nonexistent.
We fired the weapon at ranges of 25 and 50 meters, the latter distance representing about the limit of the realistic effective range of such a weapon. We found it easy to place a high percentage of bullets in the center of mass of our silhouette target. The reader will note from our discussion of the 4.6x30mm cartridge below that the PDW can be used effectively to a range of at least 100 meters.
Shooting the MP7 can best be described as pleasant and uneventful, a tribute to the overall excellent design of the little weapon and its diminutive 4.6x30mm cartridge.
The Cartridge Is The Question
A key element of the MP7's design is the 4.6x30mm nontoxic cartridge. The bullet is of solid steel, copper plated and weighs 24.7 grains (l.6g). It leaves the muzzle at 2,379 fps (725 mps), with muzzle energy of 312 ft-lb. (420 joules). In contrast, the standard NATO 9xl9mm cartridge has a muzzle velocity of 1,299fps (396 mps) and a muzzle energy of 430 ft-lb. (583 joules).
The 4.6mm bullet has a high ballistic coefficient, and is fired at a higher velocity than the 9mm, which gives it a flatter trajectory and greater range. The 9mm bullet, for example, will not defeat the standard NATO CRISAT target (1.6mm of titanium and 20 layers of Kevlar[R]) at 50 meters. The 4.6mm bullet, on the other hand, will defeat it at over 100 meters, with sufficient velocity to transfer 85 ft-lb. (115 joules) of energy into and completely perforate a 150mm thick block of ordnance gelatin behind the armor barrier.
This greater penetration is due to the higher velocity of the 4.6mm bullet, as well as its construction of copper-plated solid steel, while the 9mm bullet is copper with a lead core. H&K; states the PDW's 4.6mm bullet will also penetrate NATO's CRISAT armored personnel target at 200 meters.
The Big Question
Although we cannot dispute the claim, the ability of so light a bullet to inflict an incapacitating wound after having passed through 1.6mm of titanium and 20 layers of Kevlar(r) at any range is questionable. Particularly so in light of reports of the lack of terminal effectiveness of 5.56x45mm SS109/M855 ammunition in both Somalia and Afghanistan.
Further, the tiny 4.6mm bullet cannot create a large permanent wound cavity -- a key element of wound ballistics performance. H&K; and Radway Green are also developing tracer, frangible, JHP, training (Solid copper bullet), blank and plastic training ammunition for the PDW.
In sum, H&K;'s new PDW is an excellent overall design. It is handy, lightweight, and can be fired either as a carbine or a pistol. Despite the fact the 4.6x30mm cartridge offers improved penetration in comparison to standard NATO 9mm pistol ammunition, its actual terminal ballistics are sure to be questioned due to its small permanent wound cavity.
There may also be objections because adopting the MP7 wilt add another small arms caliber into an already complex ammunition logistics system. Only time and the acceptance of PDWs as a class of weapons will tell whether H&K;'s latest product will be a success.
I'll take two. Go for the "Matrix bling" look.
Blogged by Mike at Tuesday, May 18, 2004 //
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