Saturday, February 16th, 2002
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4:30 am - "The jig is up, the news is out" Styx - Renegade
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all right .. so people know about this journal.. well.. people who matter.. the reason why i had a secret journal.. was.. just that... it was secret.. i AM still about the truth.. but i'm not about telling people my secrets... i'm most likely not going to write in this anymore.. but...i only ask that those who know about this journal please don't tell anyone else.. i'm pretty sure i know all who knows.. even those you don't know that i know.. that they know.. i will keep it up till i see fit to take it down.
here is the part where i defend what i've written... most of it .. if not all.. was written in one of the following states: depression.. loneliness.. insanity... or extremely tired.. if someone is hurt by what i wrote ... i will remind you that this is what i thought.. and not necessarily still true.. . in fact.. most of it is not...
i hope you also notice that most of the entries... when asked.. or certain subjects came up... i was truthful.. and this is a testimony to the fact i hope you realize the difference between telling people lies.. and keeping secrets..
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Friday, February 15th, 2002
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1:51 pm - Family Guy
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Family Guy....
Lois Griffin: You should spend some time with our kids, Peter. And with me.
Peter Griffin: Uh, what could me and you do together? [Lois giggles]
Peter Griffin: Lois! You've got a sick mind!
Lois Griffin: Peter, I'm talking about making love.
Peter Griffin: Oh! I thought you wanted us to murder the children and harvest their organs for beer money.
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Tuesday, January 15th, 2002
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12:55 am - it hurts and i can't find my wound
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can't find me.. pain i've come the analytical conclusion that i will never find my.. "true one" well at least not at the rate i'm going.. every person.. all right..girl..every girl i talk to online.. always .. always.. ALWAYS.. blow's me off.. i'm not saying i want a relationship.. .. well i do.. just not an online one. but i think.. i guess.. that other girls do. .. and "the online" is a good way to test the waters.. to get an understanding of women.. .. so my first dive.. into the dating pool is not a cannonball.. or belly splash.. .. doesn't have to be a swan dive.. just something i can be comfortable.. but i'm afraid that before to long.. i'll forget how to swim.. now this isn't some sort of depressive drivel.. .. it maybe drivel.. but it's not cause from depression.. it's only an analytical reflection.
hidden agendas regardless of all this.. women don't like me.. i know this.. it's a .. gift if you will.. well everyone has it .. i just choose not to ignore it. .. when i talk women.. i feel so small.. and i know i'm not fucking imagining this shit.. everytime.. every mother fucking time.. i send a girl my picture.. it changes.. .. and that is proof.. that they were looking for something more.. now.. i don't think i'm bad looking.. actually i think i'm not half bad looking.. and could really tear it up.. but.. i tried to give an air of apathy towards this sort of mind set.. of the vanity mind set.. i'm not very vain.. i mean i like to look good.. but i don't think i'm the shit.. more like just shit. but .. regardless.. women see my picture.. and something is communicated towards them.. to say.. "nope.. NEXT!" .. i know it.. there are only a few other reasons why.. they would talk back to me.. pity.. a feel of not doing any better... or.. someother reason i'm not aware of.. .. .. whatever is propelling them away from me.. i don't know.. i feel the answer is in front of me.. and i'm just not seeing it.. ignoring it..
ending the pain so instead.. i'm not talking to anymore women online.... if they IM me.. and are a glutton for punishment.. fine.. but.. no more..
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Monday, January 14th, 2002
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6:49 am - Just stop already
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i've decided that i'm not going to write anymore depressive drivel anymore.. .. well.. only when really needed.. soo.. now there will only be crazy assumptions.. idiotic rants.. and contradictive paragraphs..
thank you.. that is all.. that.. and i got my first case of pink eye.. .. and .. it's not that bad.
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Saturday, January 12th, 2002
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4:03 am - mind - body = soul
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i think to much.. to much for my own good. i think my mind is going to eat itself.. like a snake.. everything i know is wrong.. i expect to much.. out of people.. out of myself.. i care for others .. so they will care for me.. what happens .. when you care for those .. who don't care for you? i am truly stupid.. .. not in the self loathing .. "i hate my life.. i am stupid" type ... it is a true stupidity. a stupidity .. that has no bounds.. it affects me .. to the effect of me being wise.. well sometimes.. at least i'd like to think so.. .. so there i go thinking again.. i rely on the one organ in my body.. that betrays me every second of my life. if i could only let go.. .. if i would let go.. i'd probably go crazy.. and let all those i care for .. done.. i combine all the reasons i suck into one.. to lose my stupidity.. i would have to expect to lose my brain.. and in effect lose the one i care for.. .. but then again.. is that me or my brain talking? i can never tell anymore.
how am i stupid? ... cause i let myself get this way.. ... i know the right answers and just choose the wrongs ones. ... cause i haven't let go
i read in a friends book.. Thus Spoke Zarathustra in it there was a line .. "O Zarathustra, your fruits are ripe, but you are not ripe for your fruits!" regardless what he meant by that.. .. i think that is how i feel.. sometimes.. like i have somesort of undisclosed potential.. .. and i've squandered it all my life.. hoarding it away.. never to use it. it's been long forgotten.. and i don't know where it is.. i think .. .. (you know.. i really need to stop that it only gets me into trouble).. but.. still.. i think that .. fuck .. now i forgot what i was thinking.. .. ... ..
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Friday, January 11th, 2002
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2:53 am
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Thursday, January 10th, 2002
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2:31 am - hmmm.
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lot 109 you know i felt better earlier today.. like .. i didn't need to ever right in this fucking thing again. but i came home.. from watching royal tanibaums.. (really good) and came online to check the old mail.. .. find a comment from a friend.. when i commented on his journal.. and he says he doesn't understand what i was saying.. though i thought i made myself perfectly clear. .. he did not understand.. which was fitting.. cause the comment was about him not understanding me.. and in so laughing at me. .. in his journal he said others did the same to him. .. and i wanted to say.. "you reap what you sow" but it would of be fruitless.. he wouldn't of understand that either. .. he thinks it sucks when people laugh at him cause they don't understand him.. HAH he has no idea.. he has no idea what it feels like when every word you say .. is thoughtful and spontaneous at the same time.. he has no idea . how i have to sometimes dumb my words so people will understand.. or . perhaps.. more importantly.. so i would understand... then again.. who am i to say i know what he feels.. i don't know how he feels.. perhaps we are on the same wave lengths.. just tuned differently.. fuck it.. maybe i'm not trying hard enough.. perhaps i don't even need want or, should to try..
joy some of my other friends did say happy birthday.. though not as warm as others.. it was good enough. again.. i feel my friendships slowly slipping.. i'm not sure who's fault it is... but regardless.. that is what i feel.
lost loves my friend last night gave me an e-mail address of a mutual friend from highschool.. this said friend is female.. quite attractive.. pretty intelligent.. and super nice.. first he said she said that she wanted me have it.. that's good to here.. then when i meet him up.. he talking' about how this was kismet for him.. like she was meant for him.. that's sad. i think that shit .. i use to think shit like that. .
i'm tired of this.
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
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1:12 am - I wish you a happy birthday.. I wish you happy a birthday.. I wish you a happy birthday.. and a happy birthday
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well it was my b-day. and i've realize my "closest" friends didn't even acknowledge my existence .. and the people i don't really hang out as much all wish me a happy one. hmmm.. just another example of my life's disappointments..
now i'm off to hang with a friend i haven't hung out with in a lonng time.. a true friend i believe.. always there.. though i don't think he remembered.. in his defense he doesn't have LJ to see a million and one people wishing me so.. .. there is always belated wishes..
and i'm sure they all have their reasons.. i will now try harder to make sure to say something on each persons birthday. it really does feel good.. it shows people care.
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Tuesday, January 8th, 2002
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6:50 pm
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"All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher."
- Ambrose Bierce
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Monday, January 7th, 2002
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11:04 pm - This is My 122 entry
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Capricorn
You should feel safe and secure now, dear Capricorn, allowing you the luxury of simply kicking back and relaxing. More than likely, you find it hard to let yourself go in most situations. In an effort to maintain control and stay on task, you adopt a very disciplined state of mind. Sometimes it is better, especially at a time like this, to release your tight hold, and explore a more abstract and relaxed way of thinking and feeling.
these thing is sssoo fucking off.. it's quite pathetic
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11:04 pm - i'm restless
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i can't believe it.. lately i have been missing things.. .. things that were right in front of me.. and i feel so stupid for not even seeing them.. example .. i had no idea how to change my picture on comments.. and then.. lo! and behold just a few moments a go.. there it is.. .. i couldn't fucking believe it. right above the freaking text box .. there are other examples.. they escape me at the moment.. but.. that makes me think.. if i'm that unobservant about that.. what about other things in life? i could be looking to hard.. or not looking at all. which makes me upset.. frustrated. all the answers i want could be right in front of me.. and i keep ignoring them god life is such a bitch..
PDA no.. not personal personal display assistants.. but public displays of affection.. i use to not give a shit about it.. but.. there is this girl on my friends list that keeps posting pictures and what not with her and her boyfriend kissing and other seductive poses. .. call me jealous or whatever.. but shit like that has to stop. it's not really needed.. ultimately it doesn't matter.. hell it's her journal.. what does it fucking matter to me? but in general i don't fell to good about it.. i've never participated in it.. and now.. i probably won't. *side note: kissing is dirty.. cause of the bacteria, but good for you.. cause of the anti-viral agents and keeps couples together longer. adds security.. and makes people feel loved.. and good for the heart, physically.. and emotionally*
Sensual or perverted? How come when women talk about sex.. they are called sensual or seductive.. "in touch with her sexuality" but.. when a guy talks about sex.. he's called a pig ..or a pervert "a sexual harasser" that is fucked up.. i'd like to talk to people more about shit like that.. but it make people uncomfortable.. and they look at me strange.. even more so than normal.
revolutions or resolutions? tomorrow .. i'll be 22 i don't think anyone cares.. or more importantly knows.. hell i don't even have to do anything... i'd prefer not to really.. well at least now. i don't expect anyone to say anything.. cause after all .. i don't think i really say anything to on their birthdays. so it's not really a big deal..
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Saturday, January 5th, 2002
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2:36 am - sorry about the last entry.. i was trying to do something.. and i'm too lazy to change it.
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ok.. i'm at work. my computer from my hotel room keeps knocking me off every few minutes.. i could still update there.. but.. i won't..
motel living it's quite comfortable actually.. i got my computer.. (though i can't stay online long) i got cable with HBO (though i don't have Comedy Central, TLC2 (aka Mtv), or Sci-Fi) i have a phone (though i can't call cell-phones) close access to most popular fast food restaurants... (no complaints) and i got a dreamcast.. to play.. with many fine games.. the curtains are really great.. blocking most light.. the side affect of this.. my mother and i sleep all day long.. never getting anything done.. so now we have to live there another week cause we didn't find a place to live.. i came home last night after hang with my compadres and found that one of the dogs had pissed on my bed.. fuck .. right in the middle too.. so... i had to use one of her blankets.. .. the worse part is that it's not my bed. nor my sheets.. the sheets won't be a problem.. but. the bed.. . hmm.. i'm sure that's not going to be a problem either. ..
weather it's fucking cold.
monami (however you spell "my friends" in french) my friends.. they confuse me .. i guess as much as i confuse them with my words.. they confuse me with their actions.. .. one in particular.. example;.. i was online last night.. and a friend asks .."you wanna go hiking?".. confused (cause i believe this person doesn't like me.. .. or at the very least i annoy him) i joke.. and he says.. "why don't you call anymore?".. hmm (i never call him.. why would he say something like that..?... ) he explains that he is not in fact the person on the other end that i think it is.. and tells me his true name.. a much closer friend .. then it all comes together.. .. i didn't answer his second question.. cause he wouldn't like it.. .. i agree to meet them.. and the night goes on.. .. but this is not what confuses me.. what confuses me is that he acts like i'm at fault at everything.. i ask to hang out.. he acts as if i'm a burden.. i don't ask.. he acts like i haven't in years.. so fuck that roller coaster. .. i won't call .. or whatever anymore.. well unless i need to.. i am much happier at times by myself.. .. .. that's a lie.. but.. i will try to believe it.. .. it pisses me off to no end though.. i've gotten in a state of being.. with people.. like my mother and friends.. that i'm always wrong.. and whatever i say.. no matter what.. is false.. and when it comes to truth that i am not wrong.. i don't say anything.. cause i don't want to be "that guy".. .. now i'm the first to admit that i haven't been right everytime.. but .. when i am .. people ignore the fact.. .. and when people are wrong.. i try to also point out that they could be wrong.. with no avail.. their rebuttal.. "no.. i think you're wrong" .. so fuck it.. let people make their own mistakes. .. i think that is why the earlier friend mention doesn't like me.. cause we argue .. about stupid shit.. he's stubborn.. and i'm stubborn.. like two goats.. going at it.. and it always ends up the same.. and draw of sorts.. each side believing they've secretly won.. we've ended many a conversation with.. "you think what you think.. and i'll think what i think.. and let's leave it at that.." .. or something along the likeness... he is a formable foe.. and quite intelligent.. for this i will honor him with no violence. and back to the other friend.. i wonder if there is a word for pissed-off-confusion.. frustration.. maybe? he said he wanted to hang tonight.. yet when i call him he said he was doing something.. and seem quite busy... i asked if i could help.. he blows me off. " .. all right..? .. " then.. not to seem like a total ass i guess.. he say's.. "call me later.. " .. yeah right.. what(the fuck)ever. .. i tell him probably wouldn't.. it pains me.. cause i like to hang out with my friends.. but i'm beginning to think they don't like hanging with me.. .. rejection.. like all the people they talk trash about.. i'm sure once i'm gone .. (or perhaps.. already.. ) they will talk about how dill i am.. .. but why string me along.. ?? a sadistic pleasure? someone to laugh at.. ?? i've always view people who points out other phobles have problems that they don't want other people to notice or laugh at.. so they point to others before they are looked apon.. and i admit.. i'm guilty of this also but i don't make it a hobbie.. he always speak of truth.. and .. true feelings and what not.. but i'm sure he wouldn't be mature about it.. and would totally take everything to close to heart.. and totally disown me.. so i just shut it..
yes.. i stole this device from xiheartmycuntx
car-rear .. i need to get another job.. with the addition to this one..... i don't want to give up just yet.. .. and at the same time i don't want to promote myself.. which i see many opportunities to do so. but don't . .. which i truly do not know why... and this make me sad. i want to make more money.. yet i'm afraid to do so.. i don't' know why.. maybe i'll die. but everytime i try.. like today.. i wanted. nay.. needed to ask the bossman to make me a photographer or somethinge during the week.. but .. i did not.. this brings my confidence down.. even more so.
last i checked my IQ was 135 .. but that was when i was in the 4th grade... so i don't know what that means now.. .. they sent me to a psychologist.. though i have no memory of this .. they assure me it's true.. .. i do remember going to the "special class" cause i had a reading disability.. ..sometimes it IS hard for me to read.. .. to understand what i'm reading.. but i think i'm getting better.. with no help from them.. but i guess they tried.. the few weeks in the special class was quite fun.. easy..in fact.. had PE so long.. and reading was real easy in that class. .. i do doubt my intelligence every now and then.. .. like i'm not as smart as i think i am.. you see i people as robots.. or non-robots.. .. robots being people that except things at face value.. and non-robots being people that.. of course don't.. ..1's or 0's . the binary language.. .. but i guess that theory is a bit of a contradiction onto itself.. cause.. robots being sentient beings see the world as either or.. and in fact that is what i'm saying. so i guess that makes me a robot for thinking so... but fuck it. i'm tire of writing.. and now i'm going home.. .. or a close proximity to it..
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Friday, January 4th, 2002
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3:55 pm
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Sunday, December 30th, 2001
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3:41 pm - try talking to you subconscious sometime.. it's fun!
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well this is it i'm moving.. i'm not sure when i'll be back. i'm not sure where i'm going.. but i'll update you on Friday.. adios, chico
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12:30 am - i wanna give up, but something inside tells me not to. i can't ignore it.
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well a little more than 30 hours to go .. yesterday, my mom told me that our landlord told her "she's sorry, but you'll [us] have to be out by Monday morning" What.. she's sorry.. she's sorry? yeah fucking right.. i don't expect her let us live here rent free but come on... she could be a little more understanding.. we left our trust in a man who said he'd be there. .. a man that drinks.. and is most likely anti-social.. he lies.. he doesn't care us.. except when he is feigning sincerity.. but it's not her fault really.. but she doesn't need to patronize my mother.. fuck her.. she didn't even give her a real fucking chance to pay back the money.. a weeks fucking notice.. FUCK THAT.. fuck her .. i hope she dies.. no seriously.. i really do.. i'm not just saying that.. if she died tomorrow.. i would be happier.. she's old.. she's fucking senile.. and she's fucking stupid.. so. fuck her.
i'm getting tired of all this bullshit that life has to offer. i'm tired of fucking trying to figure out how to play it.. while everyone else is well on their way to beating it.. maybe my problem is i'm too busy trying to find the bugs.. in order to exploit it.. and beknownst to me. .. life has an redundant AI .. and it know what i'm trying to do.. so in order to stop me .. it's fucking with me. so what to do.. play the game.. let it take over?.. stop trying to figure it out?.. and just play it for what is.. most likely i'll quit right before i beat it.. like i usually do.. fuck i suck. no.. i won't .. i'm a stubborn dick.. and i'm going to prove it.. i won't give in.. i won't let it win.
i've been trying to do other things.. play unreal.. read a book.. listen to music.. talk to people online.. and i can't do a single one without thinking of my life. i use to think.. wow.. my life sucks.. but i least i have a house. .. and a car.. etc.. but now i don't have a car.. and soon.. i won't have a house.. and they were like my number one favorite things..
i think one of the hooks in my life is these fucking dogs... i only really like one of them.. the other three can suck it. i remember when my mom brought me a dog.. i kept asking her for one a big dog .. like a german shepherd.. or something. .. when i was about 14 .. and she kept saying no.. till one day she brought one home.. and had this puppy.. i thought "yes.. ". i asked my mom what kind of dog it was.. she said half keish hound .. half chiauwa (however you spell those fucking dogs' name) .. anyways.. "that doesn't sound like a big dog.. " i thought.. but said "ohwell" it's a dog.. i loved.. for about 4 weeks.. till i kept pissing everywhere.. i tried to house train it.. but my mom wouldn't participate.. so i gave up. fuck it.. whatever.. .. then we got another one.. to hold for my great aunt.. and she said she wanted it.. .. but couldn't get it till she deflead her house.. well.. she decided to name it girl.. then a few weeks later.. decided she didn't want it.. so know we have this fucking other puppy.. great.. flashfoward.. we moved (to the house live in now.. 1st time though).. and my cousin and her husband moves in.. his brother stays with us for a while.. and brings his boy dog(yoda) .. (we had two what would another hurt..plus we live in the middle of no where.. so it didn't matter..) then our dogs (girls) went into heat.. and .. got pregnant.. gave away all the puppy's except one.. cause i really like it.. and still do) then ... yoda decides to have one last litter.. and out they came.. .. then he dies.. then they moved.. we got rid of all the puppys.. ..but a few weeks later one of the people brought back a pup.. dubbed.. midnight. .. so now we have four dogs.. flashfoward a few months ago. midnight has puppies with one my dogs.. and out come a the last litter.. mind you he had puppies with his mom.. when they came out 5 of them .. one had his stomach on the outside of his body.. and two were already dead.. .. and now my grandmother has two puppys and we have the other.. cause my mom was suppose to hold the puppy for a coworker of his.. who eventually took back his offer to take one.. the puppy is still a puppy.. and the x-mas season would of been a perfect time to get rid of it.. but noooo my mom is to busy to take care of it.. everytime i offer .. she's has some reason for me not to.. .. so fuck it.. now i got these 5 soon to be 4 .. shit machines
i can't wait to die.. it'll be soo good.
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Friday, December 28th, 2001
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5:53 am - What's worse? being cool/it/popular/high society/or anything like that.. ...?? or wanting to be that?
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all right.. so didn't get kicked out today.. tomorrow? hmm we'll see.
editor's note to last entry.. when i said that the one girl like me and thought she was trying to showoff that she could date me.. and the other couldn't.. that was an afterthought.. and so.. it was definitely .. BS .. but i did feel something along those lines.. not a sadistic way.. cause i'm sure she wouldn't be like that..
ok here's a continuation of me not wanting to impress people.. my friends where talking about people that were dubbed.. "try hards" the type of people want to be so accepted and try so hard to be noticed that they do anything.. and where anything just to do so.. and they in so many words they all have been through that .. though they wouldn't admit right out... well i was thinking.. "was i like that...?" .. i think i would of been .. if i wasn't .. but since i don't try to be ... well since my junior year of highschool.. gave up on trying to be noticed.. and i was thinking.. why do i not want to impress people.. what Freudian reason is there that i don't want to stand out.. ? is that i don't want to let people down..?? that i don't like the feeling..?? that i like it where i'm at.. ?? i'm not sure.. it's probably all or none of them.. hell .. i might not NOT like it... one of the people that reads this journal commented on last entry (HI ! how are ya doin'.. ).. and said that "it interests him.." and it is "thoughtful and moving" .his friend also said something along those lines.. well that makes me feel good.. and like "all great.. now i have a standard.. and now i have to live up to.. " .. when his friend said it .. i didn't think anything of it.. and didn't want to hear it .. but now he's said something too.. but perhaps she has corrupted him.. and it doesn't count.. and don't think i'm ungrateful.. but it's what i think.. and that's the game i'm playing here... i will not try to let this affect me anymore...
current music: The Dismemberment Plan - Gyroscope
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Friday, December 21st, 2001
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2:50 am - so yeah.. i suck and stuff be fucking deal
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ooh man.. wanted to start packing again.. but didn't.. i still have time.. plenty of time.. so i may still.. last night.. that weird bump i get on my wrist came back. fucking weird.. i should get it checked out.. but fuck it.. with what money?
i hope it's some sort of tumor.. that'll eat me away.. and fast.. but.. since i've had it for awhile.. and it flares up and down in a matter of hours.. i really don't think i need to worry.. hmmm..
my shirt smells like cigarette smoke.. cause i went to a bar.. and watched people make fools of themselves with karoke.. i would probably do the same but they don't have any songs i would do.. they don't even have Barry White .. and they only have like 5 beatles songs. and they are all the old shitty ones.. fuck them.. .. saw a lot of eligible bachelorettes.. and none of them gave me .. "the vibe" by the vibe i mean like the "hey baby what's up" vibe.. well one did.. but she was 17 and drunk.. and well another did i think .. but she gives everybody that vibe.. but still it's not like i'm some sort of Grade A beef either.. but shit like that makes me sad.. i see all these people and i'm think.. "why can't i be like them.. .. why can't i just pretend like everything is ok.. and go live on some sort of imaginary holiday.. where life is just peachy keen.. and i don't have to worry about stupid shit like where i'm going to sleep next week.. or how am i going to get money.. ?" life is funny that way i guess.. it fucks with you ...
i do have goals.. my goals.. retire by the time i'm 45.. and die by the time i'm 65.. how i'm going to do it.. i don't know... but using the power of positive thinking.. (believing it will happen.. and it will happen.. ) fuck my subconscious though.. all it does is fuck with me.. don't try to control it.. you mind will get fucked up.. and you will wish you could reset.. and start over.. but.. you can't.. .. haha.. i guess i could add that up on the old video game life analogy... .. achem...
life is a game ... i've run out of quarters.. don't want to beat the final stage.. and i can't find the reset button.. or something like that.. fuck it.
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Thursday, December 20th, 2001
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6:54 am - ETC..
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hmmm.. today i think i figured out yet another reason why i don't shit or succeed.. .. cause i've never been one to want to impress people. i hate it actually.. whenever i start to impress people.. i stop. i tell them i'm stupid.. or bad.. and should stop looking at me. or something like that.. i guess that's why i'm always telling myself i'm stupid.. always bringing myself down.. i don't want to impress the most important critic in my life..
i'm tired of life.. but i don't want to sleep.. not cause of what i might dream.. but because i'm afraid i WILL dream.
i saw Lord of the Rings today.. (aka the godfather of fantasy and everything around it) it diverted my mind from my shitty life for about 3 hours.. which i really really really needed and i liked it.. the ending was a bit of a let down.. (but there are 2 more movies.. sooo...) but there was something in it.. that made me think.. there was a thing that gandolf said.. he said something along the lines of.. "fate deals us each a life.. and what we do with our life is a testimony of who we are" ... ok .. that's not verbatim.. but.. that's what i got out of it.. and since i only read like the first 20 pages of the fellowship of the ring.. i don't know if that is in the book yet...
i think i really like the band The dismemberment plan.. they really rock.. if i had a band.. i would write and sing songs like them.. (or the lead singer).. i like their style.
my mom and i are probably putting all our shit in storage and moving to some place that will allow pets.. and rent by the week.. without deposit.. .. .. oooh joooy... we'll be like one step away from being homeless... YEASHHH.. thank you fate.. for giving me this life.. .... . hmm wait.. that's wrong.. ..oh well fuck.. it's somebudy else fault but mind..
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Wednesday, December 19th, 2001
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12:41 am - IT's MOVIN' TIME
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well it's 99.999...% definite.. on the 27th i have to move out .. the .111... percent is the small chance that i win the lottery.. or my landlord will drop the eviction notice.. so... until then.. i have to pack.. yet .. once again.. and move.. fuck stuff i own.. fuck me and my idiotic decisions..
current music: Ben Folds - Fred Jones (part 2)
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Tuesday, December 18th, 2001
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6:44 am - I can't get no Moto-vation no no no//sung to rolling stone's, satisfaction//
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my thing on motivation:
i've heard what motivates us is feelings.. like love mostly .. or guilt.. or hatred.. or the million others that are out there... that is what may be one of my problems.. i have no real feelings towards anything.. and that is why i think .. if i found someone to care for .. that would give me my motivation... only i'm now pass the point of looking.. and to the point of desperation.. but.. i won't settle.. so.. i guess i got that going for me.. hmmm. oh well .. i though i was going to write a lot about this.. but i got hung up on something.. i'll continue at another time..
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