The Protocols of the Yuppies of Zion

May 19, 2003

IS YOUR NAME DAVE NELSON?

I am apparently the only person on the planet with my name (faux-British first name, Biblical middle name, and German-sounding Ukrainian-Jewish last name), so this will probably not happen to me. I hope. "If your name is David Nelson you can expect to be hassled, delayed, questioned and searched before being allowed to board aircraft anywhere in the United States for the foreseeable future. Since... [ Read More ]

May 16, 2003

Disillusionment

After an extensive bout of hand-wringing, name-calling, spitting, kicking, and obsessive phoning to my package center, the Miami Vice Board Game finally arrived. Upon reading the directions, the game seemed at least a little bit interesting. The packaging is the real star. The cover is a big, scary picture of the depressing duo, and the interior panel features a very weary-looking Don Johnson next to... [ Read More ]

Wing Foul

Let me start by saying that Big Red is a dear friend of mine. Unfortunately, there is another dear friend of mine... and that is a plate of nasty, greasy hotwings. So help me Jeebus, I love them, but they create awkwardness. See, wings are often shared by more than one person, and as is often the case with men, shared food is a kind... [ Read More ]

May 14, 2003

Stupid Career Advancement...

Sorry, kids. I've been spending most every day driving like a cross country trucker, and with my new, hours-intensive job on the horizon, this blog could develop cobwebs. In the meantime, check out Big Red's top post (he needs to repost his archives.) Also, ask him about the "Mystery Celebrity Orgasm" sweepstakes.... [ Read More ]

May 08, 2003

A FRIENDLY REMINDER

Mother's Day is this Sunday.... [ Read More ]

May 07, 2003

THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY

In advance of the publication of his new "fictional" book and in case anyone had a sudden hankering for some of that "authentic" (hah) ole time Stephen Glass bullshit, I can do no better than to send people to this feature article, which he wrote while he was a staff member at the Daily Pennsylvanian a few years ahead of me. Knowing what we now... [ Read More ]

May 06, 2003

Large Marge Lives!

If the landmark film "Pee Wee's Big Adventure" has taught us anything, it's that the Alamo has no basement, obese children are invariably evil, and America's highways and byways are haunted by hideous road phantoms whose very appearances can render even the stoutest of chaps incoherent with creeping terrors. Back in April of 2002, I shared with you all the harrowing tale of Sweatpants Woman,... [ Read More ]

May 02, 2003

Hooked on Tronics

Mr. Andrew Ian Castel-Dodge has composed for your reading enjoyment an eBook, which you may find for immediate purchase at the enclosed hyper-textual webular link. I myself have yet to read the tome, as I have eschewed all non-puppet forms of diversion, but would heartily recommend that you consider Mr. Dodge's work for your future textual consumption, as it deals with matters of a nature... [ Read More ]

A Running Man With A Knife Can Slit a Thousand Throats In A Night

I was planning on calling this repeating segment "Up Against The Wall", but after Yom Hashoah, I was reminded that such a title could be in bad taste. Instead, I chose this rather creepy Kung-Fu-esque moniker. Okay, here goes. Dell: The interns are bad enough, but that's really more the fault of the ad agency. Here's my beef. First, they build my desktop with an... [ Read More ]