NEWSLETTER: ISSUE 136: "THE SWEARY CORNFLAKE"
This Week:
* CELEB SWEARS - DLT says "cunt"
* VIDEO - petrol in a water pistol
* B3TA RADIO - Now with agony aunt
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___/ _ |/_ </ __/ __ | "We're saving the
__/____/____/\__/_/ |_| web... together"
B3ta email 136 - 21 May 2004
Read this issue in your browser:
http://b3ta.com/newsletter/issue136/
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: WHAT B3TA PEOPLE HAVE BEEN MAKING THIS WEEK
Grandads, Leopards, ObCom, Newspapers & Cocks
>> Flying grandad <<
"Hello there it's Mr Fancyteeth", writes the
enigmatic King of Enigmas, Mr FancyTeeth,"
I've done this animation for the newsletter.
It's all about my grandad." Hmm. Unless
your grandad could fly, we doubt that very
much. This week's Monkeon award for the
most barking idea goes to...
http://www.mantlepies.com/grandad.html
>> Leopardy Jeopardy <<
Last week we asked you to create a game
called Leopardy Jeopardy mostly because we
liked the name. However Andy Shan has come
through in spades. You'll need to grab
someone from the office to play with you.
Unless, like in Fight Club, you have some
sort of super-competitive alter-ego to
press the Z key while you're asleep.
http://snipurl.com/6koz
>> Observational Comedy - The Truth <<
"Here is an old animation I wrote," ejaculates
Robin Ince, "as part of a series of comedy
world parodies." Blimey. This is good stuff,
written clearly by a man with deeply
ambivalent opinions about the stand-up comedy
industry. BTW: It's very long, so brew a
cup of tea and take a piss before sitting down
and having a watch.
http://www.comedy-republic.com/mysterious_ep02.htm
>> Local newspaper mocked! <<
Let's face it: 'local' is always synonymous
with 'shit'. Peter Donaldson has just discovered
the joys of his local free newspaper, the South
Wales Echo, and holds it up proudly for your
amusement.
http://www.oneeyedwilly.co.uk/swalesecho.htm
>> Most obscene animation ever <<
Ben Wheatley sent us this animation a couple
of weeks ago. We managed 15 seconds before
going, "I don't want to see dancing cocks
and meaty vulvas pulsating to a drum'n'bass
remix of Ohio Express's 1968 hit, 'Yummy,
Yummy, Yummy, I got love in my tummy.'"
Then Ben turned up at B3ta HQ and
threatened to kill us and use our flayed
flesh to create a new animation. WARNING:
this is freaky, not safe for work and
frankly the work of a serial killer
playing with his food.
http://www.mrandmrswheatley.co.uk/prettycreatures.html
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: B3TA RADIO
Time-Out's Angony Aunt
Each week we grab a cheeky hour on ResonanceFM
to talk bollocks.
This week we've invited Time-Outs Agony Aunt,
Tania Glyde in to answer your problems.
Why? Because we can.
You can learn more about B3ta Radio and how
to tune in here:
http://b3ta.com/features/b3taradio/
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: FRIDAY GAME
Circular Breakout
This is a flash version of the arcade classic,
but set at the bottom of a metal bowl. Try to
stop the ball falling down the hole in the
centre. To kill a few minutes before going
home you could do a lot worse than try out
Matt Plasticmartian's challenging game.
http://snipurl.com/6kp3
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: CELEBRITY SWEAR CORNER
DLT says "you cunt"
Ah, Dave Lee Travis. How we miss him from the
UK airwaves. Immerse yourself in nostalgia
by hearing him scream "Fuck you. You cunt.
You fucking bastard", at Noel Edmunds during
one of his candid-camera-style gotcha stunts.
Celebrity profanity is seldom this satisfying,
so sit back and enjoy The Sweary Cornflake.
http://www2.b3ta.com/dltswears/
BTW: If you work in TV and have access to
unbroadcast clips of celebrities swearing
- we can normally find a home for them.
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: SITES IN BRIEF
Stuff we like that wasn't made by our mates.
>> Attack of the eyebrow thief <<
This is just the oddest thing. A character who
scouts through personal websites on Livejournal,
finds pictures of people and erases their eyebrows
in Photoshop before posting them back on
messageboards. His victims always seem rather
surprised, but maybe that's just the lack of
facial hair.
http://snipurl.com/6kp5
>> Andy Kaufman definitely not dead? <<
Older readers may remember Andy as the anarchic
comedy genius played by Jim Carrey in Man on the
Moon. He died twenty years ago and vowed that he
would return on the anniversary of his death.
Looks like he might not have been lying - we want
to believe, although web spoil-sports Snopes
reckon it's a load of bollocks.
http://andykaufmanreturns.blogspot.com/
>> Bored Web Designer Corner <<
Building websites is so shit boring you
could train monkeys to do it - but they wouldn't.
They'd prefer to flick peanuts and faeces at each
other. And frankly, so would we. Small pleasures
can be derived by expressing your true feelings
about the job in places no-one signing off the
project would notice. For small, mean laughter,
right-click on the picture of the nice lady on
this healthcare site and see what the file
is called.
http://www.meenakshimission.org/cont.htm
>> Britney Spears subliminal <<
Britney Spears wants us. We've been listening
to her records backwards and that's what they
tell us. We want her backwards, too, so that's
alright then.
http://www.anothersite.co.uk/news.php?artc=65
>> Dismembered toe <<
Save on expensive torturers' bills by doing
it to yourself in the comfort of your own
home. That, at least, seems to be the
rationale of this man consumed with hatred of
his own feet. Warning: Do not watch if easily
distressed by scenes of toenail carnage.
http://www.hairy-arse.com/toe/
>> Home-made flamethrower <<
Jesus bumming Christ. If the Lord came back
today he'd be doing shit like this. Filling
a common or garden water pistol with petrol
and using it as a flamethrower in his garage.
Just like this chap, who we also worship.
http://content.jengajam.com/flamethrwr.wmv
>> Infinite cat project <<
The idea behind this site is to take a picture
of a cat staring at a monitor screen. Then take
a photo of another cat staring at the first
picture on a monitor. Then... but you get the idea.
Given how fascinated cats are with each other's
bottoms, this is fantastic.
http://www.privatehand.com/infinite/cat-html/15.html
>> Funny porn 124: XXX-files <<
Nerds enjoy many things. Like you or me,
they love sexy ladies. They also like 3D
computer rendering, alien rape and the X-Files.
This site manages to combine all of these in the
form of some quite frightening computer-generated
Gillian Anderson porn.
http://snipurl.com/6kpe
>> Impossible objects <<
What higher achievement of human dexterity can
there be than sticking a Rubik's cube into a bottle
that's too small for it? None - that's what. Genuinely
a thing of wonder, see if you can figure out how they
were made.
http://snipurl.com/6kph
>> Japanese live sex gameshow <<
Just what it says: hardcore pornography broadcast
on Japanese TV in gameshow format. Obviously, not
safe for work, but you wouldn'y know it from the
air of polite interest shown by the studio audience.
http://www.szanalmas.hu/redir2.phtml?newsid=15991&link=TVJapan.wmv
>> My shitty neighbour shame <<
We hate people. Who knows what feculent filth
they wallow in, separated from your sleeping
head by a few inches of brick and plaster. If
your neighbours live in more squalour than this,
please take photos for us.
http://www.mostemailed.com/images/misc/badNeighbour/
>> Star Wars Car <<
Star Wars doesn't excite us; car mods don't
excite us. But this Star Wars car mod made us
lactate love juice from our mind-nipples. It's
the wealth of obsessive detail that makes it
great. Also, seeing the decidedly normal-looking
owner proudly posing behind the dashboard.
http://www.roadsquadron.com/Cars/Hwing/
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: THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO AAHH
Fox cubs
Aww. They're so adorable! Look at their little
faces and their tiny paws, which they'll soon
be using to savagely attack chickens. They're
the best. Any foe of chickens is a friend
of ours.
http://domain567993.sites.fasthosts.com/gallery_foxes.htm
BTW: What's the cutest thing you've seen on
the web recently? Tell us at b3ta@btinternet.com
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: B3TA IMAGE CHALLENGE
Results from the Hospital Challenge
Each week we run a competition to test your
creative skills. We set a challenge and you
open Photoshop and mess with our heads.
Last week we wanted things you really wouldn't
want to see in hospital:
http://b3ta.com/challenge/hospital/
We asked B3ta boarder 'lemony' to judge the
entries - here are his 3 faves.
Mr Lemony writes -
#1 "Beep... Beep.... Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee - clear
winner purely for the genius use of etcha-sketch,
cocking ace! (Kris Fucking Kristofferson)
http://b3ta.com/board/3188577
#2 "Chichester hospital radio - Paul?! Barry?!
Utter twats, this rocks. (Fat Marrow)
http://b3ta.com/board/3200636
#3 "Operating table-tennis - top punnage and slick
animation made me soil myself over this one...
twice in fact." (baby wet ones)
http://b3ta.com/board/3203509
"it seems to be obligatory to have sort of bonus
prize thing these days and I felt it was well worth
noting that Stick Figure Ninja still can't keep his
hands off kenny loggins."
http://b3ta.com/board/3212681
>> This Week's Challenge <<
This week, the challenge dictator found another
hard-pressed minority to point and laugh at.
Farmers.
http://b3ta.com/challenge/farmers/
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: STAR IN NEXT WEEK'S ISSUE
Make something cool and tell us about it. If
you are in it then people will see your stuff.
Things we'd really like to see include
* DIANA MINESWEEPER - Much like Windows
Minesweeper but with pictures of Diana's
head. Oooh, and small african boys having
their limbs blown off.
* ANAL FUCKFINGERS - A series of arses fly
by the screen. Poke them with your finger.
However if the sphincter is too large you're
in danger of getting trapped - too small,
and you're arrested for child molestation.
* HIGGELDY COCK PIGGELDY - you play a farmer.
Your prize collection of piglets have
all got their curly cocks in a knot. Help
save their bacon by untying sheep-shanks
and carrick-bends.
Send contributions to b3ta@btinternet.com
BTW: If you've sent something in that hasn't
been featured then don't be put off - we look
at everything you send us.
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THANKS:
This issue was edited by Rob Manuel with
David Stevenson.
Links sent in by Shannara, olly defunktion,
Major Uffle-Uffle Bombfactory, simon essexeffect
Alex Spencer, Nick Gresty, diskosquid,
armadillo6xe, jockgit, Robert Carthy.
Top Tippery by Hung-Like-A-Kitten.
Additional linkage by Fraser Lewry.
Board research by Fnord. Well, it used to be,
but we haven't heard from him in ages.
Image challenge handled by Mike Trinder.
Proofing by the pre b4ta schoolers. (75131)
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TOP TIP:
Got two glasses stuck together? Fill the inner
one with cold water - and pop both in a bowl
of hot water, and they should easily come apart.
