Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in britestar's LiveJournal:

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Monday, February 19th, 2001
2:55 pm	high anxiety must fly south experiencing things that are all too normal maybe. looking forward to the future, but again not living now. fuck it. that's how i stop my craziness. fuck it. and it gets me into trouble. Willy is coming to Sioux Falls. That is so nice. The house we looked at had three bedrooms and one bedroom had a porch off of it. It had new carpet. So we can all actually walk barefoot without worrying about the nasty "croadies", and the bathroom had new linoleum, so we won't find any fifty year old pubies. Things seem similar to the past, but they are very different at the same time. So if only i would stop comparing my before and after mind frames, i might be okay. I've let myself down in a few situations. It's time to move forward. I can say it, but can I do it? I have confidence that I can. I'm still here. Random thoughts of brilliant light, never to be detected. can I communicate with the world? Next winter, I hope to fly south. Current Mood: determined (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, February 16th, 2001
9:10 am	Mountain air for a day. Leaving for the fastest trip to Colorado possible. Driving through the barren Nebraska land. Time to reflect on the past, the lessons learned for the future, and most important, time to enjoy the moment as it is happening. I feel I have to train myself to do the latter, but I don't mind practice. Good music, good company, bonding with Morgan. My ass is going to go numb. Last night was a weird night. I thought Funke things were going to happen, but they didn't. I think I have social anxiety. I would like to take yoga. For the spiritual awakening. I convinced myself I have skin cancer last night. I couldn't fall asleep. I was thinking of crazy diseases and bugs that could be causing my "exema" as the doctor says. But if i had skin cancer (just being paranoid thinking of this) it would be in the places I was most severly sunburnt at during previous summers. I was thinking of where I was a year ago and i was wondering if i did something stupid with the "pointy arrow" or maybe Lucas did. I know I didn't/ I hope Lucas didn't because we shared. How sickening.\ Off that subject. I'll just go to the doctor. I'm rambling too much, must go. Current Mood: chipper (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 15th, 2001
10:59 am	4 bedrooms would be nice! Just think...4 bedrooms, 4 kickass people...it would work well. Creative minds sometimes think alike. This will hopefully be one of those times. We can pretend we are in a cabin in the mountains, or a tea house in china, or a tree house in northern california (we just have to drink until we can't see a damn thing) Candy...mmm. I have a terrible sweat tooth. Chocolate. None for me. Why didn't anyone get me chocolate for Valentines? Who cares, the issue is: Will, are you coming here? Six short months of love and kindness. Sound good? It sounds like Morgan is doing her job in attempts to (persuade) you to join us in SF, SD. Hope to see you soon. Current Mood: curious Current Music: the usual jibber jabber of a class about to take a test. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 14th, 2001
11:34 am	Thank you for the love...can I have another? I received a comment from Willy in Calli, and right away I recognized the familiar words of Toaism Pooh's way. I have read the book. Morgan is back...Heather is continuing her journey. Good luck! I must be quick. I feel the beauty of things again. Understanding that I can get through everything and anything that comes my way. I feel good now. Hopefully tomorrow. Valentines is a day of love and if I feel lonely, I am not. Love is in the air. My dog loves me. But I cannot kiss my dog...he eats shit. So I will send love to everyone whom I love. You all know who you are. kiss, kiss. Current Mood: creative (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 6th, 2001
9:27 am	longer days, lingering gaze i don't know exactly how i feel. basing my emotions on circumstances is apparently not the way to think, however with me that can't be helped. trying to find what i love about myself, about my capabilities, is more depressing than i should let it be. there is this continuous circle of war in my head. this battle has worn me out. How tired i am emotionally, which reflects my physical motivation. I am cursed and blessed with being a thinker, an analyzer, at the same time. Just to live life, enjoying the moment, without decifering it's every meaning, would be tranquility for me. As far as Lucas goes, I would just like confirmation in my feelings. We don't talk much anymore. Always seems to emotional. He is already hooking up with someone else, which I should accept as confirmation enough. I hope for his happiness. I am in search of my own. And i am determined to find it. If only I could enjoy this very moment as much as i should. Loneliness eats at me like a termite in an 80 year old oak tree. Hi willy! Have you heard from Morgie or dread heather? Not me. Hello girls if your still there. Current Mood: drained Current Music: HOT 104.7(turn it off Pleez!) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, January 22nd, 2001
4:15 pm	back to life, not back to reality I was all smiles for at leasr two days! This is incredilble and it felt so refreshing. I went to Colorful Colorado for 5 days. I wish I was there now. It only took a few days here in my "hometown" to get all depressed and shitty again. (It's not as bad as i make it seem, but it still brings me down). I'm taking a break from Lucas. I'll see how bad I'll miss him. Or maybe I just move on and never look behind. I deserve more than what he can give me at this time. And if I keep on moving, I won't need to worry about him in the future. But, the love is deep and I know I'll always wonder what happened to that Lucas kid. I don't know..... But anyway, Tracey is in town and it feels nice to hang out with her. I am full of stress and depression. This hole will not get any deeper. I cannot let it. So a loud shout out to the ones I love. Smile and I'll smile back (if i have enough brain cells left to do that). I need to make some money! Any suggestions? Current Mood: determined Current Music: click, click, click, click, (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 10th, 2001
8:55 am	it's been awhile so, i'm back in school again. not really enjoying it. my parents are irritating. my mom wants me to get my shit together. she pisses me off because she thinks i'm past the partying age. yet a year ago, i was too young. things are okay. getting better. it's about me now. i must become selfish in a kind way. i will not stop giving to people, but i must learn to find and respect myself more. i was born the caregiver, and it needs to change for the time being. not to interested in writing much. time to be lonely soon. Heather is gone in 2 days. Colorado will be a good getaway. i need a vacation from my life. (i was fired from my job because i was tardy too often). hmmm.... lonely. maybe it will be a good time for myself. Current Mood: anxious Current Music: the printing machines in the printing lab (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 24th, 2000
10:04 pm	merry christmas eve ya'll sitting here this evening all alone. not feeling too sad about it though. just here. i was all smiles today. it felt so damn good. mmmm.....i'm remembering the happiness and soon it will become my new addiction. i saw this beautiful sun two days ago. there were segments of a rainbow that formed a circle around the sun. gorgeous. and this morning i drove home to the sunrise. and you know, it looked like a rainbow lining the horizon. and alcyone. she's there in the sky tonite. righter than ever. so comforting in her ways. a sigh of relief. and i got some lovin' last night. shh.....don't tell anyone. i needed that. Current Mood: content Current Music: ani. of course. (Comment on this)
Friday, December 22nd, 2000
8:41 am	crying myself to sleep...what comfort exists? why is it that i am completely naive? I say things i don't mean so often that i wonder if maybe i really do mean them deep in the dark heart i own. last night i called to tell lucas goodnight. it was all good until he told me that he smoked the hash and the opium last night. i wondered who with. so i asked. "with joey and her friends" joey.... the bitch that wants to play games. and lucas gets mad at me and tells me i'm being stupid. that there's nothing there. then why the hell is he hanging out with her? she has something for him. he knows that, but won't admit it. and he's sick of me saying stuff about it. i understand, but if he would talk about it just once i would drop it. just like everything else. if they would have been talked about, things would have been different. basically the poor boy can't communicate. so if joey wants a brick wall, she can have it. good luck to her. but, for some reason, which is what i'm working on now, i want him. maybe i am stupid in this way. he makes me happy when the issues aren't there. BUT, they won't go away if they aren't talked about. so back to the beginning. anyway when i felt extremely frustrated last night on the phone i turned into the dreadful bitch. i said "i hate you" and he hung up on me. should i leave it at that? no way. i didn't mean it at all. and it's such a cruel thing to say. i must apologize and explain. i know he'll understand. he always does. sorry that my update is about lucas. just on my mind. Current Mood: weird Current Music: silence. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 13th, 2000
10:28 am	fahla so i named one of curtis' kittens saiia. it sounds like sigh-a. i like that name. i wrote lucas a kind letter that will be delivered after school. i'm worried that he is not doing well. but he is so hard to reach on the emotional level now days. at least it's only drinking, except for the "occasional" thermadrene pill at work for extra energy. the stress i'm feeling now is from school. i hope my bad attendance hasn't affected my grades too much. i need a home of my own. i need lucas to do what he says and mean what he does or something along those lines. my face is smooth and acne-free for the most part. confidence is coming back. love to you and you all. bye Current Mood: determined Current Music: vanilla ice-ice ice baby..some kid in class thinks he's cool (2 Comments |Comment on this)
9:14 am	my house on the hill is warm, cozy and nonexistant. my cat, she doesn't really know me anymore. i never get to see her and if i do i feel like i'm holding lucas back from his nightly trip to the bar. gotta go (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 7th, 2000
8:39 am	let's hope birds fly... well, after or during my entry at lucas', i became unplugged. thank you lucas. sabal now lives at my home. she's gets the garage. and it's a little chilly. she's been tough so far. i feel extremely confused. but accepting, i suppose. i am one to not give up easily, in this situation i will lose anyway. again, i am experiencing a numbness. the same i felt a year ago. i would like to at least give lucas the grieving i think he deserves. not always bad. mostly good, when there was time for eachother. he chose a path i thought he would avoid. visions of water falls and dragonflies landing on my bare toes. the tickle. i wiggle my feet and stare at the splashing water as it pours over the magnificent formation above it. oh no. bees, horseflies? damn what a ruined event. but no not at all. the bee, he doesn't see me. there's a beautiful white flower. and the fly he's too busy with the deer shit. so content i am. for now. Current Mood: numb Current Music: the humm...... of flourescent light bulbs (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 6th, 2000
1:09 am	lost in the deep dark tunnel.........boooooooooooooo please forgive me for my mispelling, which i noticed quite a bit of in comments. drunkness causes the keys to blend a little. i might be a letter off. crazy how i feel now/ only a few hours earlier feeling great. what caused the madness, i wonder? extremely uncomfortable in this home i used to call home. let seven people smoke in here at one time (people from work, i must point out,) but all of the sudden, i need to ask for permission. can i use the bathroom too? what about the floor, can i sit on it? oh almighty god who can you never say thank you and show some sort of appreciation fpr what i've done for you? not enough? what do you need, i stuck around, while i watched you kill yourself, and never have i gotten appreciation for what i've tryed to do. who is it that expresses false love? and who is it that feels hurt? only me now. DrunK i guess. Current Mood: drunk Current Music: some movie.....that i am not watching (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 5th, 2000
11:10 am	feel the pieces being plucked from the red thing? it seems that i am exhausted, yet i strive to move forward. every day has become a task, that i don't look forward to. why can't i at least get paid for my 18 hours of awake time. i have fallen behind in school, hate my job and wish i had all the free time in the world to think. my tendency to expect the worst is destroying whatever relationship luck and i have left. and i actually believe this shit is happening because of his reaction to my accusations. strange coincidences lead my detective mind to the solution. and what reason do i have to trust him. he's lied before. (explained by him as being done so i wouldn't worry). i am trying to quit my naughty stuff for a while. Just until i finish this semester of school at least. christmas break is party time. forgive and forget all. It's nice to know willy is amongst us now. the craft has landed. extinguishers ready....aim....fire. willy, when are you coming? see me too. luck is a dork. all he'll talk about is cooking. i'm better. joking, but anyway be sure to call me. i'm sure you can get that # from lucas. not so deep today because i know it will just be the regular lucas jarble. i will move on and explore my emotions another day. for now i am upset and feeling slightly betrayed. but there is still love for you guys. heather-what are you doing on wednesday? my day off. we need to do some bonding. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: the voice of romy talking of resolutions and fonts (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 30th, 2000
9:00 am	fallen of the sweet little swing snow, snow, it's snowing today. the depressing winter months are here. for 5 months. i get to snowboard tomorrow. sort of a blah day. not planning on much today, but stuff that i have to do. obligations and priorities. i'd like to get in my own place as soon as possible. money is the problem now. but it's so hard to live with the parents after i've been out for such a long time. their nice and all, but it just holds me back. i want to be free! Current Mood: blah Current Music: the air conditioner at school. shitty song (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 29th, 2000
9:59 am	fly past the drive and hit the mailbox still wanting to walk on and past and not look back. knowing i can't because i will have to come back for what i leave behind someday. finish him now? this damn boy confuses me as much as i confuse him. and all i want now, is more confusion. more love, more pain, more him. staring in his eyes, my gaze lingering so long, feeling so secure in his beautiful green eyes. the entire time, he is lost in my blue eyes, waiting for the tears, so he can tell me not to cry, as he wipes the tears away. Current Mood: nostalgic Current Music: silence (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, November 27th, 2000
9:16 am	with love comes pain shall i allow myself to move so far forward that i leave the rest behind? never would i feel safe or comfortable with this journey i've been thinking so hard about. because love can never be forgotten, never buried to deeply in my heart. life will never branch into two worlds for me. i am not capable of leaving one place i find not so severly dreadful behind for the unknown. an adventure this would be, but so unprepared am i. fresh, bleeding wounds need to heal first. i need spring desperately. sun and warmth. fresh flowers and LOVE on a blanket, red and white, soft and delicate. trees and fields and comfort in the gentle whisper of your voice so near my face. hands, muscular hands and fingers brushing my hair behind my ears. eyes so beautiful, I don't mean to stare. Please forgive me for my errors and choices, every reason you show your love. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2000
8:54 am	cold comfort and again the bitter cold fills my mind with crazy emotions. here you are, understanding how i feel. willing to give comfort and security at the sound of my sorrow. so when will this end. sleep well, with love. love. Current Mood: mellow Current Music: Ani Di Little Plastic Castle (Comment on this)
Monday, November 20th, 2000
10:00 am	mishaps in purple snow What sort of emotions are actually running through my head right now. I feel free, yet somewhat lost and left behind. Out of a love that still exists. Forced out by the situations that happened so long ago. Now the affects have caught up to us innocents. However innocent we may be. Tears have been spattering the hardwood floors for two weeks. I am out and it's time for them to dry. Is this what I want. Current Mood: drained Current Music: Incubus (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 9th, 2000
7:39 pm	at the beauty parlor today, ladies? Well now darlins >< Im FeElInG fReAkY! Oh, time is it? Im pretty sure Im getting excited to live by myself. And no I was not dreaming last night. Funny story with a good end for lucker. But, the air outside is cold. The hurting cold, the evil cold that you can't get out for hours. The chhhiiiiilllll............... Sometimes I am the biggest pussy. But not in my dreams. I am always running, yes but I'm kicking ass in my adventures, always five steps ahead of my dark, shadow figure. Why is it that I can never see this damn person or thing?! I never get caught. And it seems I'm usually having fun in my little home-made action movies. but now the music stopped and well my energy level went DOwn. Oh wait now we have some Earth Drums disc playing. Okay I can handle this. I'm in a majestic rainforest. UMM. What a gorgeous waterfall. Oh and that creature, what is it? Oh you guys should see this. Spectacular. Isn't it amazing what music can do? Morgie Porgie_ (I've never called you that before) It doesn't quite fit. Anywayz, I was gonna say that i miss you and so does Zoe and Sabal and Rupert and Pee Wee and Koty. Im gonna get place that has a nice painting area. That will make me ecstatic for now. Amazingly happy at this moment. Must cherish this feeling Love Goodbye Baby DOll Current Mood: ecstatic Current Music: All One Tribe Scott Fitzgerald (Comment on this)