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Friday, February 8th, 2002
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5:34 pm
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I am 20... so weird. My friend rushed to wish me a happy birthday right after midnight so he would be the first one, of course he joked about me being elderly now (not the best thing. I don't think I am old at all, but such jokes are not appreciated on a birthday that is divisible by 10). Had fun though. One of my friend's got me a gift certificate to the frozen custard place which I think has the best ice cream like stuff ever. It kicks ice cream right in the ass, truth be known. I had my belly button re-pierced for my birthday present. I am really happy I got it done again, my belly doesn't look so bland. I found some gorgeous motion barbells for my belly button once it is healed, they are a little pricey though so I think I will just have to find something similar instead of getting actual motion barbell. I am actually interested in getting an inverse naval after this one heals. It has an almost Indian look when two curved barbells are put in.
Sorority formal is coming up in less than a month. I do not have a date still, which is typical of me. I don't know if I should go. I know it is very passive not to go to such functions just because I don't have a guy. I am letting life go by just because some stupid guy won't be nice to me and go, but I am miserable when I go to such things without a date so why should I go to be miserable?? Maybe if I had a better outlook I wouldn't be so miserable at those things. All for now.
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| Monday, November 19th, 2001
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10:54 pm
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Day after tomorrow I get to go home for Thanksgiving. We are doing two big dinners because my grandmothers have opposing cooking styles, and can't stand watching the other be in the limelight for what they see as horrible cooking. Oh well, that just means more food for me. They are both actually very good in their own way. One is very traditional and all about the soul food, while the other likes to experiment and make foods on the more exotic side.
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| Sunday, November 18th, 2001
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9:32 pm
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I am such a bitch. Fall party was this weekend, and it was an arrange-a-date. One of my friends arranged dates for me and another friend (as well as for herself). She got guys to come from her town, which is a four hour trip for them. I feel like I was a bad date. I wasn't as bad as the other friend though, she barely talked to her date. I just feel bad. They were definitely "country," which even though I am from the country, I am not "country." I am definitely used to guys like that though, which may have been why I had an easier time with my date. Fall party was interesting if nothing else. Some crazy stuff happened, but I don't feel like talking about it now. I felt so bad for the guy my friend wouldn't talk to. I know I would have felt bad if my date didn't want to talk to me. I feel like a traitor thinking badly about her though for some reason. I know she wasn't doing it out of pure meanness. She was just in a situation she didn't know how to handle. I tried to be nice to everybody and include everybody so that nobody felt left out too much. I feel so bad that they traveled so far to get treated not so great.
Some girl from my town was killed in the bonfire collapse in A&M; two years ago today. I was going through my old folders in my email looking at stuff my friends had sent me. I saw one that gave the address to a memorial website for her online. I was looking at it, and I realized that the collapse happened on the 18th of november 1999. Today is the 18th of November 2001. It was a very odd coincidence and it made my blood run cold to think about it.
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| Monday, November 12th, 2001
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10:35 am
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Why can't I forget him? It is so bizarre. Last night I could not go to sleep, and lay there thinking about lots of things. It is amazing to believe that there was a time he was physically right beside me. We actually kissed each other, but he is gone now. Thousands of miles away and I will never see him again. Its some sick, cruel joke on Fate's part. With the bad luck I've had with the male sex, you would think I could have one good experience, but no. He's gone, and right now it feels like no other guy could even make me feel half as alive as I was with him. I want to move on. I thought I was, but last night everything came crashing down. I guess thats what happens when you have insomnia. Everything you just want to forget comes rushing back.
Roomie's cousin was involved in a bad accident this weekend. She's hurt badly, but will live. Someone was killed though, which means that her world is turned upside down now with guilt. I remember earlier this semester a message she left on the answering machine when she called my roomie. She was so happy and excited about college, and this is what happens to her during her first semester. That guy didn't know that he would never finish this semester. He thought he would go on and on. This is just one of those things that make you think. I pray for everyone involved with that accident; that they heal physically and emotionally. I can't even imagine what I would do in that situation.
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| Friday, November 9th, 2001
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10:44 am
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When I was in eighth grade we got a vietnamese pot-bellied pig for Easter. She was black all over but there was a little pink spot on the front of her snout, and it made her look like she had her tongue stuck out all of the time. We named her Phoebe; I can't remember why exactly. First thing we took her to my grandfather's work (a plant nursery). We had a little harness and leash for her and we were walking around this nursery, but she slipped out of the harness and went dashing off away from us. We chased after her, and at one point we passed a bunch of the workers sitting down for lunch. I still wonder what they thought seeing a screaming piglet, running as fast as its little legs will take it, being chased by a group of people. I finally caught her, but I had to like dive to the ground to do it. She didn't trust us at first. When we took her out for her exercise, it was mainly just her running trying to get away from us, but of course she was on a leash. So it would be her dragging someone back and forth around in the pasture. She ended up loving us though. I let her sleep in my bed with me. One time she got into my Easter candy and ate all of it. I found her in my room, propped up against some pillows I had on the floor, groaning with an obviously full stomach. She was so much fun though, and so sweet. She eventually had to have a special little pen for her to stay in outside. We built it for her, and made her a little house with hay in it so she could have shade and warmth. It was so cute. We would put all of the hay in her little front yard in her pen, and she would carry it into her house and make herself a little burrow in there. Eventually, we left the door of the pen open, and she was allowed to wander around freely. One day, she wandered off and never came back. I like to think she is in a meadow somewhere happily rooting away at the grass all day (I know that is probably not the case at all of course). I was just thinking about her for some reason. I don't know why. I am feeling homesick-ish right now, so maybe that explains it.
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12:44 am
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David never talks to me anymore. I don't know why. Maybe since he found himself a girl, he didn't need to talk to me anymore. I guess it doesn't matter really. I think I am going back to double majoring. I think I can handle it. I feel so bad, I never do volunteer work anymore. The only stuff I do is the philanthropy stuff through sorority, and thats mandatory, besides its only selling tickets and stuff (which I managed not to do anyways). I feel so selfish and self-centered. This is stupid since I am going to be an English major, but I just realized that selfish has self in it. I never really thought about it before I guess. It makes total sense. It is funny that I am persuing that because my grammar is horrible. Of course English at school isn't really grammatical stuff, its reading stuff, but still you would expect an English major to be able to talk and write really well. I actually write in correct grammar usually (well except for journal purposes).
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| Sunday, November 4th, 2001
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10:00 pm
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This has been an interesting weekend to say the least. My dad found out how much we've been paying for sorority each month, and apparently he went ballistic. Not that I blame him. Its only supposed to be about 55 dollars a month, but they keep requiring us to buy stuff (like shirts we are required to wear), so it ends up being a lot more. I think he wants to make me drop, but mom is trying to run damage control. However, if he did force me to drop, I could drop with a little bit more respect. I probably wouldn't get the hostility some of the other girls get. Hmm... its a little tempting.
I went out Friday night with some different people than I usually go out with, and I actually had a better time. We went to a different fraternity house, and we mainly just sat around and talked. I was surprised that I had as much fun as I did; I usually like a lot of dancing or something to be going on. Went to a concert on Saturday, and it was pretty cool. I managed to be right up at the front again. I watched these freshmen entice the guitarist to invite them backstage. I am not sure if they know what they got themselves into exactly. I thought they knew exactly what they were doing until they scrounged around for a piece of paper and wrote that they wanted him to say that they were really cool into the microphone in between songs (well not in so many words, but that was the basic gist). That seemed like a really junvenile thing to want, and I don't know if they realized what that they were playing with. Roomie got fall-down crazy drunk. I had like two sips of a martini, but guess who was the one to wake up with a hangover??? Me!! I didn't even get a buzz at all. I had stopped drinking. I don't need to get drunk to have fun, I just hate having to babysit my drunk friends. They take my soberness as a license to drink their own body weight in vodka. Thats probably why I had so much fun with the other people Friday.
Something is wrong with my car, which if it is what I think it is, it shouldn't be a big deal money wise to fix. It will be a pain in the ass though, but I can handle it.
Had composite pictures for sorority today. Mine are awful :( I wanted my hair behind my shoulders because the ends weren't straight enough or wavy enough to look good (got to go one way or the other here). I spent all this time arranging it just so and when I get up there the guy starts petting my hair for like five minutes. I thought he was smoothing little hairs down, but he actually moved my hair in front of my shoulders. So my hair looks nasty in the picture. The photographer was young and cute, but it was still creepy the amount of fun he had taking everyone's pictures. I'm still pretty innocent in some ways I guess.
Well actually my weekend doesn't look all that interesting now that I think about it. Oh well.
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| Wednesday, October 31st, 2001
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10:29 am
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Had a swap with one of the fraternities last night (For the non-Greek a swap is a one hour non-alcoholic party between one sorority and one fraternity). The guys weren't very mingle-y. It was like a junior high dance with the guys on one side and the girls on the other. Some guys talked to girls they already knew, but the whole point is to meet new people. We tried to dance or something, hoping the guys would follow suit. No luck though. I swear I could go over the the houses nekkid (naked) with a mattress tied to my back and I would still get ignored. I wish I were better with guys. I'm just so confused about them. I am having to be fixed up for my sorority's fall party because I can not find a guy to go with me. I am really grateful to the friend that is doing it. She's having to import guys from her town. However, there are two possible guys and two girls she's fixing up. One guy suggested that we not set in stone who has what date. We should wait until we meet and then decide. With my luck both of the guys will want the other girl. She's really outgoing and funny, and I of course tend to be on the shy side with new people. I guess I need to get over that as fast as possible. I guess I'll see how everything pans out on that one.
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| Monday, October 29th, 2001
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6:34 pm
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I had a great weekend, which I really needed. I forgot how happy and fun I can be. I went with my roomie to New Orleans. We went out on Friday, and walked down bourbon street. I got kinda scared. When you come from a tiny, tiny town, seeing that many people stumbling around drunk can be a frightening thing. I'm used to drunk frat guys slobbering on me, but not grown men. I guess thats what freaked me out the most. We went bar hopping even though none of us are old enough to drink (plus none of us have fake id's). Clubs always ask for cover, but a bar doesn't every night. A bouncer at one of the clubs told me I was beautiful, which was a nice ego boost. After being ignored by the guys at school (well unless they are really drunk of course), it was nice to have someone at least act like I was an attrative individual.
Saturday we went to VOODOO FEST!!! We parked it at the cox comm stage, so we saw John meyers (I'm not sure if thats the name of the band or not), tricky, g-love, better than ezra, and bush. Bush is what I was really excited about seeing. Since we were there early on we ended up third row slightly left of center, so I had an amazing view of Gavin. I had never been to a real concert situation before so the crowd was a new thing for me to deal with. We were totally at their mercy. People pushed and shoved, and I nearly lost my footing once (which I probably would have been trampled). Between one of the songs, Gavin stopped and told everyone to take two steps back. He said that the crowd was a beautiful thing, but they were fucking the people in front up. I thought that was very sweet of him, but everyone makes fun of me if I say that. My mom was like "Ahhh how sweet he took care of my baby (me)." I really think it was sweet though. He looked and sounded muy caliente. I was totally in heaven during the whole set, even if I'm lucky I made it out alive. Me and my friends had to crowd surf to get out. I didn't want to because I knew I would look stupid and probably squeal like a little girl the whole time (which I did). These girls were real nice though, when they saw we were trying to leave, they were like "here you go" and picked us up and sent us on our merry way. At least I can say I've done it at least once in my life.
I had so much fun though, I felt like my old self. Of course I come back to school, and everything is back to being blah. I got a hundred on my computer science test, which appearantly is the first time in the history of my professor's teaching at my school. He made a big deal about it, but didn't say who it was. When I got my test I tried to make sure no one could see it. I don't know why I was so embarassed. I guess I ought to be proud that I did well. Of course it makes the issue of picking a major even harder. I need to decide between major in english and minor in computer science or the other way around. I'm not sure what I want to do when I get into the "real world" or whatever you want to call it. English might be an iffy field to find something in, while computer science offers more security in finding a good job. Do I really want to spend all my time in front of a computer though?? I guess I would end up doing that no matter what job I took, but theres a difference between using a program and writing and debugging a program.
I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had gone to that math and science school. I would be a senior right now if I had. I would probably (hopefully) be graduating this spring. Is that not the scariest?? It is to me. Of course while I'm not totally happy with where I am now, I'm not totally unhappy either. I like all of my friends. Some of my best friends ever I wouldn't have even met if I had gone to this school. Of course I would have other friends if I had gone, who I am sure I would say the same thing about. I'm glad I had my junior and senior years of high school at my school at home. I wouldn't have met Michael, who even though nothing happened with him, I wouldn't want to not have that one amazing night. I guess I should stop torturing myself and just deal with what is in my life now. I don't often ask that though, so I guess its ok to think that once in a while. Well I have work to do so I better get going.
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| Thursday, October 18th, 2001
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11:16 am
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Mid-terms... bleh. Not fun, but necessary. This semester is going by pretty slow though. I guess it has something to do with sorority rush making every day seem like a week. A few people have dropped for various reasons, and everyone is always so shocked "Oh no!! She is the last person I would ever expect to drop!" I wonder what they would say about me if I dropped. I don't know if anyone realizes how happy I am with sorority right now. Its like a fair weather friend. They say that they will be there with you thick and thin, and all that good stuff. Yet, when a girl had a friend from home die the day of our big rush event. No one was saying let her be. No they were asking for someone to go talk her into coming because she is one of our prettier girls so it looks good to have her at the parties. That is so unbelieveable to me. She did actually come, but if she hadn't they would have fined her like 200 dollars (plus the added guilt factor).
Speaking of Greek life, one of my friends joined a fraternity at his school, and its like a Christian one. I don't have a problem with it being Christian, but I do have a problem with him becoming even more close-minded than he was back in high school. You do not go to college to box yourself further into your beliefs, you go to expand your horizons and see what is out there. Well I think that is partly why you should go at least. I haven't done the best job of expanding due to my shyness, but at least I am not so close-minded as to spout off the usual babble I've heard my entire life about any controversial subject.
I get to go home tomorrow (yay!!). Haven't seen the stalker guy in a while, so that has made my week much better. He got some girl action this weekend, which I thought got me off the hook with him. If he really did find somebody I would be happy for him. He's weird, but I think under that he could be a pretty decent guy. The next day though he was back to staring and giving weird looks. This school is so small that it is hard to have someone you don't want to see, because it never fails that you end up seeing them every time you turn a corner.
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| Monday, October 1st, 2001
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8:57 pm
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I sometimes wonder why I am compelled to keep an online journal. I think I have some need to be known in some capacity even if it is a few random people who stumble in, even if they think I am the stupidest person ever. My friend wants to see it, but I just can't bear the idea of someone I actually know seeing any of my feelings. Maybe its because I know so many of them are shallow and stupid, but they are my feelings and I am going to write about them.
I was reading my guestbook from my old page, and it was funny to see how people reacted to things I had to say. Most were nice and positive, but I had a few people who after reading my journal decided to devote their life to letting everyone know how stupid I am. That was pretty funny. I'm glad I kept the old journal though, because its funny to see the way I thought about myself when I was seventeen and eighteen years old (of course I am only 19 now). It is such a short time ago, but its amazing how much people grow (or in some cases, don't grow) in a couple of years.
I had kickboxing class today. During the class I was miserable, but I always feel bad a$$ after I get through with it. It is so much fun, even if we are just punching air. I'm exercising and stuff, which I think really helps my mood out and makes me feel better about myself in general.
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3:20 pm
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Last night I was remembering something that happened the day before my surgery. I had to go to my dr. for allergy medicine and I told him how I was having rhinoplasty the next day. I thought he would probably get mad or scoff at me for putting myself through cosmetic surgery. Instead he sat down and prayed with me. I am in the bible belt so such goings-ons are normal. I thought it was so sweet though.
I dreamed last night that I was so desperate to get married that I married some guy my roommate had said was cute and would be nice to me. I was like "sounds good" and we were married. It was a really stupid dream.
One of my sisters (sorority) was crying today in the caf, and someone said it was because she had gotten in trouble in class. So I remarked "what did she get her name on the board??" (well thats how they punished us at my school). Everyone laughed for like five minutes, but I felt kind of bad. I didn't mean it to be mean to the girl, I didn't see how you could get "in trouble" in class in college.
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| Sunday, September 30th, 2001
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6:10 pm
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This weekend was really interesting. On Friday night, several of my friends and I went to a party off-campus. It wasn't the greatest so we decided to come back to one of the frat houses because they had a band. The band was so great they are called the second-hand heroes or something like that. They mainly played covers, but they did a few originals in there too. I love music-- especially live music. I was dancing pretty well that night too. My roomie and most of the other girls wanted to leave to go to some bar, but I really wanted to stay and listen to the band so I told them to go on without me. One of them decided to stay too.
The guy who had freaked me out a few weeks ago was there, and I could tell that he would watch me every so often (but it wasn't too bad). Towards the end of the party some guy started dancing with me, and he wouldn't let go of me even if there was a slight pause between the songs. I didn't mind though because I feel so starved for guy attention its not even funny. We went over to another frat house after that, but no one was there really so we talked to couple guys we knew and went on home. I went to sleep around 2:30, which is very early for me on a weekend.
I woke up at 7:00 because I got the curse and was in horrible, horrible pain. I realized that my roommie wasn't in her bed, and that the bed wasn't even slept in. I didn't think much of it at first because she had left her keys in the room so I figured she had crashed in someone else's room. So I take a shower and after I get out I remember that her parents are here. Mine always want me to meet up with them early on. I called the other girls who had been with us last night to see if she was with any of them. None of the girls were in their rooms either. When I found that out I kinda got worried because they had gone to some random bar, and anything could have happened there. So I stay up for two hours calling around trying to find them. Finally around 9:00 my roommie saunters in. They had met some random guys in the parking at our school and decided to go riding around town in their truck and end up crashing at these guys house.
I am not the wildest girl in the world... I have no problem admitting that. However, I think I am safe in saying that was a very dangerous, stupid thing to do. You just don't put yourself at the mercy of strangers like that. That exact same scenario is how a lot of those unsolved mysteries type shows start out. Well my roommie is safe now, which is all that matters. I just hope she doesn't pull a stunt like that again. When the guys brought them back to school they said "You are sure lucky we aren't ax murderers" I thought that was kind of a creepy thing to say, but it was true.
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| Saturday, September 29th, 2001
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11:31 pm
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I saw the sneak preview for Serendipity tonight. What was so funny is that I could see myself in the storyline of the movie. Every emotion they went through I know exactly, well except for the happy ending. I don't know that-- I'm not sure I ever will. One of the lines in the movie said something like it seems that when you meet your soulmate that it seems like the universe was soley created to bring you two together. My problem was that after that instant was over, fate seemed to do its best to pull us apart. I am ready and willing to pursue other relationships. I think that is the thing that is going to help me the most, but the guys at this school are never going to pay attention to me. Some act as if I don't have the right to exist. I really do not understand why. I am a pretty girl and I like who I am. I try to be friendly to everyone. I want to know as many people as possible. It just seems like so many people here are very close-minded about who they want to be acquaintances with, and I appearantly do not fit into their ideal.
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| Wednesday, September 26th, 2001
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1:41 pm
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I was reading on this website that I visit frequently (its a site that confirms or denies rumors we hear and urban legends) that this boy in Dallas predicted the day before that world War III was going to start in the United States and that we would lose. Whats even freakier is that they can't prove its false, on the other hand they can't prove its true either. Another weird thing is that last night I was reading my dream journal and the dream I had that day was where I was trapped in a tall building in an elevator and something was wrong but I wasn't sure what. In the wording of my dream journal I had used the word tower though. Also, I was reading through my psych class's dream journal yesterday too, and a guy posted that he dreamed he was in a plane that was hijacked. He dreamed this the night before the attack and posted this before he even heard about it. Isn't that so weird? I don't know why I didn't realize that day that my dream was kind of like that. Just some weird things I thought of. I'm not trying to trivialize the situation. I know sometimes people try to find some hint that could have told them beforehand what was going to happen. We want to think such hints exist, and if we only look for them we can avert disaster. Well thats my theory though on why people are so interested in a rumor like the one about the boy predicting wwIII.
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| Tuesday, September 25th, 2001
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7:07 pm
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Bid day was this Saturday so rush is finally over. I thought this meant that the fakeness would be over, but I am sad to say it is not. Now a good deal of the active members are "performing" to make the new pledges think that they are the coolest. These girls got up and did random dances and broke into song in front of these girls. It was so bizarre. They didn't do that last year thank God or I might have turned down my bid. It was so obvious what they were doing in my opinion. Hopefully the new girls didn't notice.
On a brighter note, I really like the new girls. I think they are going to make a great pledge class that will help keep our sorority going. I feel like I can trust these girls to carry everything on when it comes their time to take on the responsibility of running the chapter.
I was talking to my friend on IM and he basically came out and asked if I had ever had an eating disorder. I literally froze up when he asked that. I feel like I could tell him almost anything, but that isn't something I want to talk about. I wonder if he ever thought that I did in high school. He says he didn't, but he might have just been saying that because he could tell I was upset. I'm not even sure if I had one or not. I definitely did not have a healthy view of food or my body. I did get really skinny there for awhile, but I got better all on my own. I'm still fine today. So I don't know if I really had a serious problem, or just the beginnings of one.
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| Monday, September 17th, 2001
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10:22 pm
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9:48 pm
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I did not get the job I applied for. I don't think I will ever, ever get a job. I couldn't get a job over the summer. I turned in so many applications I can't remember everywhere I took them. Nothing. I did not get any calls. One place was so desperate for workers they put up a huge banner advertising that they were hiring, and still nothing. I don't know what I am going to do. If I don't get a job I can't stay at school. My school didn't give me a very good scholarship considering everything I have done in school. I had standing in the national merit competition, I graduated DAP in Texas... only two other people in my class of 200 graduated under that classification (its the highest diploma plan in Texas), I was involved in everything in school. All those years of hard work barely got me anything. All the hardwork I do now is going to waste. I probably won't be able to get a job when I graduate if I can't even get a simple job that you don't even need a high school diploma for. I guess I don't make a good first impression. I guess I am doomed to mediocrity because of this. I try my best. I don't know what I am doing wrong with everyone. I can't get a job or a boyfriend. I feel like all these worries I have are silly compared to problems other people have, but its like I am being constantly beat down and told that I am worthless. I don't think I can take that for much longer. I feel like I am going crazy.
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| Saturday, September 15th, 2001
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10:47 pm
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I cannot wait until rush is over. Its so fake and stupid, and it seems especially petty when considering everything else that is going on right now. Some of these poor girls come in here scared out of their minds, and I so badly want to tell them I feel exactly the same way. I am exhausted making stupid fake chit chat and basically re-gurgitating the same exact conversation 15 times in 5 hours. Hi... how are you doing my name is so and so.... what activities were you involved in in high school?? what are you doing here? OH really, are you enjoying that... we do blah-blah-blah in our chapter, our main philanthropy is consoling crying puppy dogs. Do you think you would be interested in that?
Ok I will admit it... after the first two times of that convo I actually moved on and talked about whatever the hell I felt like talking about after that, for which I am now in great trouble. Too bad!! Well I am trying to catch up on my homework so this is all for now.
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| Thursday, September 13th, 2001
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11:20 pm
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I feel bad about what I said on Tuesday when I said I hated whoever did this to America. I won't delete it or change the words though, because that is what I really felt at that point in time. I just hope that innocent people do not get hurt in the search for the guilty party. I wish I could say that we are beyond vigilante justice, that we won't taunt or hurt people because of their ethnicity. We're really not though. My school has many students who have family from the middle east (some of the students orgininate from their themselves too). I am proud to say that I don't see any finger pointing or taunting. We are all banded together. Well I have to go to sleep. Its been a long day. Rush starts tomorrow. Rush is such a superficial process, and I cannot wait until it is over with. I do not know how I am going to be able to deal with this for three more years.
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