The Wayback Machine - http://web.archive.org/web/20040129134551/http://www.livejournal.com:80/users/matilda/
feeling fucked - thank dog for painkillers   
01:32am 28/01/2004
  1. got turned down for the ms position, but still have the third interview with valve pending.

2. borrowing money to cover rent this month, long-distance service in danger of being cut off along with all my other utilities and services.

3. one of my cats is sick and needs to go to the vet. i don't even have room on my credit card for this. this is the thing that's really bringing me down.

4. called the landscaping lady today and the only question she had for me was, 'when can you start?' i was so confused i told her i'd figure it out and call her back tomorrow morning.

5. i just made three really cool paintings/drawings of insects and one of a chair. very very satisfying.

6. jason's being a crazy champ about helping me out with food and entertainment in my time of poverty, but his magic fuck pill seems to have worn off. why can't i have both?

7. met the most beautiful russian man in the park today, who was with the most beautiful rhodesian ridgeback. his dog and my dog loved each other. i mean this guy was BEAUTIFUL. so much so that when we parted ways i actually ran. his beauty made me panic. i didn't stop running until i got to the car.

8. i'm learning a lot about technical editing these days, which is good since i'm paying a fucking lot of money for school. i applied for a job as an assistant editor at a company directly across the street from my house. here's hoping.

9. have you tried ultram? it's a painkiller commonly prescribed for back pain, and it also has antidepressent effects. jason's mom gave him a bottle of them. i recommend it for coping with sporadic, but very powerful, anxiety attacks.
 
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12:55pm 24/01/2004
  it occurred to me yesterday that i am not easy with growing older. i felt too old yesterday in my ms interview, too old to be interviewing for such a low position. i was acutely aware of the wrinkles that crease the sides of my mouth. i felt ridiculous.

i thought about why i am so adverse to having children. even now, at age 32, i am shocked when people ask me if i have any children. exactly in the same way i was shocked when i was twenty. i couldn't possibly have children. i'm not competent to care for them. i'm not stable. i'm still a child, myself! being raised by the generation that counseled 'trust no one over age 30' has left me with no idea what to do when i pass into adulthood.

so here i am. in adulthood. and uncomfortable with it. i'm comfortable with my actual life, but . . . i'm not comfortable with how i view myself when i stand back.

on another note, my friend peter said he can get me on at his landscaping job if neither of the office jobs pans out. i wonder if i shouldn't just take the landscaping job anyway. no need to watch my language or dress nicely or fret about whether i'm properly adhering to office protocols. grubbing around outside with plants, working with people i like - if only the pay were a little better. maybe i'll do it anyway. . .
 
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correction   
12:37pm 24/01/2004
  it's sleet.  
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12:20pm 24/01/2004
  1. i have come to love the muted loveliness of seattle winters. there is something truly exquisite about the mist, the almost-black evergreens, the monochromatic sky, the green moss and ferns glowing in the dim like phosphorous in the ocean at night.

2. but that does little to mitigate the fact that i am now so sun-starved that i found myself riveted to a show about snakes in africa on the discovery channel for the sole reason that it was all so sunny. i am captured by ads for tropical vacations in much the same way.

3. "fields of smoked salmon, sausage trees, honey bushes" i am watching 'the adventures of baron munchausen' for the first time in my adulthood. it's lovely. and sting is in it! sting!

4. oh god, i just looked outside and it's raining again. lovely and mystic it may be, but please - help.
 
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12:07pm 23/01/2004
  interviewed at ms today for a contractor position. interesting the difference between the two companies' attitudes. valve asked lots of hard questions about my intentions - this is a relationship it's going to invest in. ms asked questions about hypothetical situations and how i would deal with them, and about my software penchants and proclivities - this is the work equivalent of hiring a housekeeper.

either way, though, it could work. i could see myself doing well at either job. the valve job would actually challenge and interest me. the ms job would be a foot in the door, but not very engaging.

hopefully i get hired by one of these two companies. i need some income.
 
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one more dragon to go   
01:06pm 22/01/2004
  so i passed the second interview. the Nice Lady will contact me early next week to schedule a time for me to meet with the four-headed hydra of the executive team.

my eye is twitching. interviews stress me out.

tomorrow morning i interview at microsoft for a contract position:

"This individual will learn the details of the programs (customer software testing) we run and help administer these programs. This involves answering questions posed by customers and other group internally, updating content on our website (no programming necessary), maintaining our customer list, publishing status reports, mailing/tracking/filing legal agreements and tracking work done by other program volunteers."

the position also supports two program managers, which means secretary stuff.

i think i'm going to stop by the dog shelter to help out tomorrow night. i need the chaos of many dogs to counter all this professionalism and workiness. professionalism gives me hives. too bad it pays so well.
 
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09:12am 22/01/2004
  geoff, your gift of the 'xanadu' soundtrack on vinyl is making my pre-interview, jittery morning much much better than it would have been otherwise.

you have my eternal gratitude.
 
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11:19pm 21/01/2004
  another odd thing that the work prospect has brought forth - i have become something of a hermit. i used to bitch ALL THE TIME about being lonely (remember?), but somewhere that stopped and i have become quite comfortable with hours and hours of solitude and puttering. i see jason some evenings, some weekend. i see some people at school, but they often stress me out. i see a few people at the dog shelter when i'm volunteering, but mostly i see the dogs. and i see people at the dog park, which is also mostly about seeing dogs. one girlfriend, one boyfriend, and dogs. that's my social group, and that's where i've become comfortable.

even when i was working with the engineers, i was mostly like an anthropologist observing them from a distance. the idea of being busy all day with cow orkers who will actually interact with me and expect responses from me? makes my shoulders kinda creep up around my ears.

that's funny.

it's almost midnight, i'm sitting in the dark and typing into my laptop. the fireplace is going and neil halstead is on the stereo. the dog is asleep and snoring, the cats are full of beans and racing around the house. it's a nice night. peaceful.
 
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01:17pm 21/01/2004
  well, dang. i have a job interview at valve tomorrow morning, then kelly services called me and they set up an interview for me at microsoft on friday morning. $15/hr admin contract position, 6 months to a year. foot in the door and all that.

i'd much rather have the valve job. but it's exciting, this interviewing that's pending.

things are moving.

soon i'll have to leave this incredible womb of a house, this nourishing, leisurely, unemployed lifestyle. good to have money. sad to leave the womb.
 
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you must slay three dragons . . .   
08:47am 21/01/2004
  first dragon down. two more to go.

phone interview went swimmingly. i've got an in-person interview tomorrow morning at 10:30. if i pass that, then i interview with the four-headed hydra of the executive team.

it's all about the metaphor, baby.

so now it's not even 9 am and i'm jacked on earl grey tea and post-interview adrenalin. buzzbuzzbuzz what do i do? another grey, cold, damp day, not conducive to running around outside at all. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzt zzzzt zzzzzzzzzt.
 
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11:59pm 19/01/2004
  i just got back from my first session with the writing group. i'm stoked.

yes.

also, phone interview on wednesday morning with valve software (creators of 'counterstrike' and 'half-life' or 'half-wit' or something like that) for a receptionist/admin position. and the uw sent me a criminal history form to fill out because i've passed the initial screening enough to get my resume sent to the hiring person. no interview, mind you, but at least i've got the door cracked open.

anyone with any dirt to spill about valve software, bring it on.

oh, and i hooked up my turntable finally. i fucking love records. i am relieved to discover that it was not an affectation all those years. i honestly love records.
 
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on a lighter note   
11:35am 19/01/2004
  you know what's funny? when dogs are startled by their own farts.

also, jason won a brand new kick-ass monster computer system in a raffle at his job, so i am now the proud host of a printer/scanner/copier unit and a cd burner. finally i can back up my fucking system files! no more losing everything to the fickle whims of fate!
 
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11:22am 19/01/2004
  riding the familiar, sickening roller-coaster of anxiety about job, residence, money. it's interesting that i have come to this point each year that i have been in seattle. i've been going through cycles of crying with frustration and fear, then feeling calm and centered, knowing that things will be okay, that things are okay, even if they don't look like what i expected.

watching the joseph campbell 'power of myth' interviews has helped tremendously. i even meditated for the first time in probably over a year. i forgot how lovely lovely lovely meditation is.

i project my anxieties around me, onto jason, the grocery store checker, the animals. i walk around muttering, 'i have a very. short. fuse. watch out.' i'm taking out my control issues on myself with food and self-criticism - beat myself up for not working out more, for eating poorly, for drinking coffee again. i stand in front of the mirror and compare myself to every beautiful, famous person who has ever lived and am scathing in my comparisons. which is ridiculous. the other night i was lying in bed, sick and full of snot, and imagined a tender man taking care of me, telling me that i am too thin and need to eat more, that i am beautiful, that things are going to be okay, that he's not going to let me get evicted or go hungry. i fell asleep with his warm, imaginary hand stroking my hair.

it's frustrating to be here again. i beat myself up about that, too. scoff at myself for not being able to take care of myself, even though i am doing okay. i just wish someone would give me a job. i looked at the newspaper ads for admin/receptionists and my soul wilted. i am trying so hard to break out of that niche.

patience and persistence. these are the keys.
 
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05:20am 16/01/2004
  fighting another cold-thing AGAIN. took dayquil before class last night and nearly died because my body suddenly decided it hates cold medicine. we used to be such good friends - what happened?

got invited to join a writing group, which is exciting. the weird part is that a guy in my class invited me. that wouldn't normally be weird, but i haven't really told y'all about how i feel like an alien in clown shoes in my classes. everyone is so . . . subdued, so adult. i feel like every time i open my mouth i should preface it with a honk-honk clown noise. not to mention that i gave two presentations last quarter and wasn't well-enough prepared and just RAMBLED. if you know me, you know how i take a conversational ball and run with it, sometimes to places as far away as other zip codes. so. yeah. self-conscious. and a little lonesome. i was hoping i'd meet some kindred spirits in this program, but i am living on the wrong side of lake washington, i think. anyway (you see how the ramble goes?), this guy has an mfa in creative writing, has already written at least one novel, and seems like a decent person. his group is four other people who are also working on novels. i told him i'm a short-story gal and i mainly focus on fairy tales and humor these days. he seemed pleased. they meet every monday night.

we'll see. i've been working on a fairy tale about how my grandmother had to rescue my grandfather from a sea witch in world war 2. i'm pretty stoked to have some feedback on it. my friend, rachelle, and i were supposed to swap stories every 14th, but i am slack and have been through a really fallow period. hopefully the writing group will give me more impetus to write things to send to rachelle, too.

i'm up awfully early, battling anxiety about jobs. something will happen. it always does.
 
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10:11am 15/01/2004
  dude no wonder i'm not getting any callbacks - my resume had about a billion typos and bad things about it. wah-wah-wah.

i hate resume garbage. it's all updated now, though. here's hoping it helps.
 
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01:51am 13/01/2004
  it's hard to sleep when the person lying next to you in bed WON'T STOP SNORING.  
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12:16pm 12/01/2004
  took myself to see 'big fish' last night. cried and cried all the way through, i think mostly because i needed to cry, not to insult the talented mr. burton or anything but it ain't so much a cryin' movie. the southern accents bothered me, but the movie was delightful. not as gothic or fantastic as i would have wanted, but still lovely. inspired me to start working on some stories again, which is more than i can say for anything else in my life lately.

rolling around in a bit of homesick this past week, too. it's nice here, but, yeah - y'all who are also far from home know what i mean, i'm sure.

going hiking on tiger mountain today. i'm stoked.
 
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03:07pm 11/01/2004
  crabby. have had decent amounts of sex this weekend but haven't been able to come because i'm too crabby and distracted. which makes me more crabby and distracted. i have sulked in the shower a lot this weekend.

also, geoff and lorien, i never even left the house until 10 on friday, and then only made it as far as kirkland. you're glad i didn't call you, seriously.

sour. that's where i am. i know that exercising and then going to the movies would make me feel better, but i'm feeling so crabby that i'm not doing any of that just to spite myself.

this is silly. okay. the sun is out. i'm going outside. to spread the love, you know?
 
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04:30pm 09/01/2004
  i'm really tempted to go see grandmaster flash tonight, but it's $18 and what i'm afraid of is that i'll get all dolled up, get to the club, and spend all night resenting grandmaster flash because all he's doing is playing records for a bunch of head-nodding hipsters who have the collective joy in their souls of a retread tire. anti-climax, you see. i fear it.

i could go to the vera project and see kisskisskiss, or i could go the crocodile and see slender means (does that mean zac's in town? another x factor).

the upshot is that i need to get out of the house and drink and dance and carry on because boy do i ever have the winter-unemployed-bored-as-hell doldrums right now.

today i:
planted tulip bulbs
pruned a boxwood shrub
washed my duvet cover
vacuumed my house
vacuumed my car
applied for two jobs
made and drank a delicious latte
checked my email and phone messages at least a thousand times

you can see where i'm headed with this, i'm sure.
 
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10:33am 09/01/2004
  what the fucking fuck is the fuck wrong with fucking friendster?? got a message from one of my long-lost very favorite people and can NOT open the message again, nor respond to it. i can't even open his profile to send him a new message.

fuckitty fucking fuck
 
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