| last entry, about everything |
[25 Jan 2004|04:30pm] |
This is how I truly feel. I guess this is me admitting shit. This is just like a couple main subjects. Whatever.. new sn is
__z_polynation
My love life: Single.
I guess I just really really want to believe that one day I'm going to meet someone and we are going to see something no one else is going to see. Like the first time I saw that creek next to that beautiful forest looking area. And although I lived in the same area for about 14 years, I just noticed it now. It would be like that, but with everything in the world. It seems like everyone around me is happy and in a relationship. I'm not jealous, I'm happy for them. I just am waiting for my turn. All the broads I've liked thought they were gay, or were straight and gave me some sort of clue that they weren't straight. I want to wake up one day and just hold or be held by someone I'm so in depth with that it fucking fills me completely. And I can totally see myself being that way with this one person for the rest of my life and it feels okay to see it like that. I want us to make mix tapes for each other and totally get what the other persons feeling just by the beat and the way our eyes look into each others. And we could just fucking drive for hours, holding hands and going threw packs and packs of smokes. And we would go home and sleep together, and realize that it’s perfect. To perfect to not be alone. Because I've been so alone, but it just feels worth it because I still have hope that one day I’ll meet someone and it will be like that. For now, I’ll just be happy with a straight broad falling asleep at my house, without me. Because I’m only 17 and I have the rest of my life and I’m glad I’m realizing that. No one else seems to be realizing this. I’ll never say I love you again unless I mean it.
My school life:
I didn’t go good on my report I guess. At least that is what Katie said. I got a B in German and I’m really proud of myself for that because learning another language is hard for me. I don’t know what changes I made from the last quarter because I did nothing 1st quarter and nothing 2nd quarter. I was actually louder 2nd quarter because I made a couple new friends in that class. I didn’t fail anything, I just notice the good instead of the bad like parents do when they see your report card. I don’t even show my parents my grades anymore. I’ll get to that later. Anyways, I’m done with the shit care attitude because I have this thing were I have to fight everything I'm against and I’m totally against fucking working your ass off in high school to get into a good college to work in some fucking office and be miserable. Michele, you are such a dumb bitch and you need to realize that you control your future. Better colleges means better publishers. It will be worth it. you can live your dream. Yeah, that’s me talking to myself. I just noticed that I really haven’t talked about how I feel in here except about stupid broads that break my heart and when I was all sad over Lindsay. This is it, stop working your asses off and enjoy what you do. You can get a job, but get a job you enjoy. If you hate your job, quit and get a fucking different one. I am going to do good this semester and just prove to myself that I'm not a fucking idiot so I can get some confidence. I have to take advantage of this school. I worked hard to get into it and I'm not going to just shit it down the drain. I was also thinking about how many ace kids I've meet this year so far. A couple stick out. I also got what I wanted to accomplish from coming to this school but now I really don’t care anymore.
My friends:
I’m just thankful for almost all of you. I have to admit I don’t even like half my friends. haha But the ones I do like, I really really appreciate you guy. I think I’ll write most of you guys letters about how I feel sometime. I think everyone should know what everyone else thinks of them.
My home life:
I don’t hate my father. I hate my mother. She is unsophisticated and close minded. She’s dense, vulgar and malicious. Everything she says to me is do this do that, and yelling. I really am to fucking lazy to do anything. I don’t make the mess so why the fuck should I clean up after everyone. I barely eat anything they make, I just eat junk. I am only in my room and on the computer. They say I’m spoiled, but that must be why I have 2 fuck pairs of pants and I never ask them for money for books, clothes, anything but to go out. Maybe it’s because I'm immature or something but I’m not going to get close to my parents ever. That’s not how I am. I was born in a warm, safe, enclose place. close to mothers love. And then 9 months later they fucking spit me out and I never feel those feelings again. Although that did accure, how can you love someone ELSE after you felt those things? I appreciate all they have given me, but fucking rubbing it in my face how fucking heroic you are don’t make me love you. All those horrible things you’ve said about her doesn’t make me love you. Getting so fucking jealous and immature about Peter doesn’t make me love you. It makes me scare to even love him. Limiting myself to talking to him. Not a lot of people know how I feel, the pain..anger..being so fucking alone. I mean all I fucking have is a picture. A FUCKING PICTURE. I read my friends journal, “I’ll never see her again.” Man, I fucking felt it. I really am sorry she feels that way. Because I feel it too, except I never got to see her in the first place, and I have no idea if she’s alive or not. And if I find out she’s dead, I don’t know what I'll do. I just had this fantasy in the summer when Peter found me that we could all be a family again. That we could all sit there at the dinner table and just smile and talk about our day and just fucking mean it. No one would want to get up and leave. Real family's aren’t like that but I mean, on holidays they re and stuff. I just want to be with her and not be scared. It’s sad that I'm scared. I have no idea her condition but I really hope she’s not a vegetable. I just want her to know I love her, and that I forgive her. And no matter what she’ll always be the true title she is. No papers can ever fucking change that.
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[17 Jan 2004|06:53pm] |
I got this line from Against Me but it was totally how I felt last night while I watched all my friends play last night.
"i thought i knew who everybody was just by looking at them"
I just read that line and it sumed it up. The whole band totally felt the music and made the crowd feel it. Everyone was sitting down, including the band threw-out the whole set. Brandy came right before they played there last song and she sat next to me and during the song she held my hand and I almost starting crying because everything was so real at the time and I felt part of it. I have such good friends and i've been so blind.
What is happiness to you?
I got my hair cut.
Photo class on Monday!
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| Phoenix 23883: will you post the info for the show in your livejournal? Everyone reads that |
[15 Jan 2004|05:56pm] |
Friday, January 16th
@ Westport Community Center
Burns Harbor, IN
1237 Westport Road
w/ The Phoenix Rising, The Same Fate, Hunter Thompson, The John Cribbs Experience, & Eros
7:00 pm
$5
Directions: Go north on 149; after crossing over 94, turn right onto Haglund Road, then make an immediate left onto Westport Road.
GO OR DIE
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[07 Jan 2004|10:54pm] |
Today I heard a really good song while I was stressed and I smiled and felt like my insides were washed clean.
Speech is really stressing me out, am I on the only one having a hard time writing this shit?
I need some book recommendations.
I'm trying, so work with me. I meant what I said all the times i've said it. Love will tear us apart.
I've been feeling good besides my home life.
I'm starting to be how I use to be in a good way.
I need to get some nice clothes for my speech on Wed, does anyone want to go shopping?
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