mua ha ha's LiveJournal

Subject:	negative me
Time:	9:54 am.

it's 'interesting' (hard sometimes, but educational) to spend so much time w/a positive person, to see how whiney i can be.

it's very good for me. and she's not pollyanna fake positive. just looks on the bright side, chooses to see things for the best. it's so subtle and natural, i respect it.

joann and i did wallow a lot in our poor-me attitudes. anyway, ya ;)

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Subject:	weds
Time:	9:23 am.

hello kitties. how is your day going?
i cannot wake up. i got a full nights sleep, but my body wants to zzzzzz and cuddle and watch tv all day. feh on this need to work.
we talked a bit about my moving to geneva. it was light, not really serious, but then again, a little. what would i need, she asked. therapist, meds, max, a lot of patience. no problem, she said.
*shrug* i don't know. it's in the hazy future. near future... today we go to work. i drop her off at museum or some such, pick her up 4 hrs later. big fat mall shopping. dinner. my 8pm game. she's a good good guest. so sweet, so easy, so understanding. last night we saw 'kissing jess stein' (not great, not bad.. pleasant) and had a lovely italian dinner at this cozy place up the street. we could go dancing tonight but i don't know if i feel like it, like sharing her w/others, or having to call joann and say please don't go to dak tonight, b/c i am. maybe we will just cuddle, watch a movie.

i am going to sorely miss regular cuddling and kissing when she leaves

you know what? i realize... oy. of course, of course, she is not dying. no! but...

this being here, then suddenly gone, is like a death. (still miss sandy of course)(always will)

keep thinking 'i don't want her to go'. yet... i keep thinking of joann. damnit! very annoying.

ok, enough

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Subject:	To a woman who rocks all known and unknown universes....
Time:	3:26 pm.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY supergoat!!!!

HAVE A GREAT BIRTHDAY,,, WOOHOOOOO YEEEHAWWWWWWW

=D

(hmmmm)(how come lj did not send me a a bday reminder?)(oh well, it doesn't matter)(i just hope it's really your bday) =]

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Subject:	update
Time:	8:18 am.

zo my pretties.... this weekend was spent traipsing around sf. my house guest is having a good time (phew!), as am i with her company. yesterday we went and saw rylie's new house. what a 70s flashback! shag carpet, brown appliances, oeeyeyeeee! she's totally redoing it to resell at a profit. we borrowed her bike so mc could get around town while i'm at work today. came home and i took a much needed nap. rented 'startup.com' 'queer as folk' and 'amores perros.' only viewed the first. today i have to go into the office. she has a little map to get downtown and to the beach. tonight: 'kissing jessica stein' and maybe hot tubbing. basically, we're cramming a months worth of dates into ten days.

i feel whiney about going in to work, and, of course, her departure on sunday, but i'll try to suck it up and shut up... and enjoy.

erin got a grey cat. named her 'macy grey' ;)

zoooooooooood: don't get an lj. you have enough to do. :)
i owe you an email.
*hugs*

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Subject:	My first 'Honey'
Time:	2:52 am.

Sandy

talented. beautiful. mezzo alto
incredibly intelligent
kind
brave
very proud
sensitive
loving
sexy
passionate!
beautiful laugh
intellectual
cultured
a wonderful friend
a loving daughter
a good, good, good girlfriend
first person i really, truly loved
firs person who made me feel lovable

i miss you Honey
it's been a very, very long two years
you know i'm a cynic, but i hope you are in a better place. you of anyone i know deserve it

oh Baby
rest in peace

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Subject:	well...
Time:	1:20 pm.

my place has never been so clean. good thing i've been doing it in intervals over a few days, and not all at once. i'm still home! it's 1:20pm! i should go to work! ack! i'm working at home, yes. i have a 9pm game so i'll be at work late anyway. argh. i'm starving. i better shower and go. but i keep thinking of all i have to do (a few more cleaning things, buy food, get car washed).

oy

it'll be great just to RELAX once she gets here.
if that's possible! :-)

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Subject:	weirdness
Time:	11:43 pm.

i feel as if i'm in a dream. not necessarily a good one, or a bad one. just a dream. i go about getting ready. repotted some plants. brought some unused green outdoor chairs from work to my dinky patio. did laundry (not a small feat considering i hate laundromats. except the one i go to is called the super suds. heh). scrubbed the shower. washed a few windows. straightened up (so to speak). yes, this is for my visitor, but i reallllly needed to do it anyway, and i'll enjoy the clean environment too.

random: i miss zood. zood, are you out there? drop me a shout-out. get a livejournal for chrissakes. :) i ran into sara at safeway. that was nice. i hadn't seen her in a long time.
tomorrow: buy food. go to work. play basketball (9pm game, ug).
come home and try to sleep. thrs: make the bed. get ready. go to work. work meeting. bail early. pick up mc at 4pm in SF.

oy vey

the build-up is killing me. in some ways going to dinah shore was a bit anticlimatic... from all my wonderings. don't get me wrong, it was awesome. still... anyway... i hope this isn't the same. that she comes and it all feels flat, and i don't feel much, and and and. tho the plus side to that is i won't be missing a 'gf' who lives in friggin europe! and i'll have met and gotten to know someone really awesome. even if there is no spark, she IS a really amazing, talented, kind and funny woman - someone i'm really glad to have in my life.

what is going to happen?
where did i put my crystal ball when i really need it?

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Subject:	i feel like a queen
Time:	8:08 am.

in the it doesn't take much category:
having a real vacuum after two years on my knees with a dirt devil (ack that sounds sexy: kinky!)... priceless. well not priceless it was $45, which is a deal, but now i see b/c it's the loudest vacuum on earth. oh well. the place is shaping up! i moved some furniture around and killed a bunch of dust bunnies. still have to clean bathroom and kitchen. if nothing else comes from my imminent house guest arrival, i'll have a clean studio!!! lisa came over and we caught up, got some food. jammer jammer jammer. that girl can TALK. it can be a bit much sometimes, but worth it. she's a lot of fun.

more random...
( Read more... )

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Subject:	aaaaah
Time:	9:01 pm.

good day. very good day!
i watched some womens flag football. had brekfast out with friends. bought a nice slipcover for my sofa. worked. went swimming (well the water was freezing! mostly laid out in the sun). bought a vacuum (this was the day for LONG overdue purchases!). played basketball. now i'm working some more. and to top it off, i don't have to go to work tomorrow. i now telecommute on mondays. wooohooooo! =-]

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Subject:	mmm coffee
Time:	10:29 am.

mmm sat. working AGAIN ARGH, but not much, so s'ok. mmmm. still alseep. up till almost 3am last night. got bizzy with the taxes and turbotax online. kinda proud of myself. finally got to it. didn't finish but i need to ask a few q's of dad and friends. remember, this is the first time ever for me and tax hell. i've been spoiled. :) so... ok must work. shower. coffee!!! helping liz the best catsitter in the world move. i was kinda asked to a party tonight but its by this person i think just wants to stay close to rylie. plus it's over the hill and i'm not about driving right now. driven out. rylie is in TN. maybe liz will go to a movie tonight. i guess i should see 'kissing jessica stein,' altho commercial movies fluff pieces about bis??? oh well, don't be bitter kim, go ;)

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Subject:	ouch
Time:	10:13 am.

i either slept on the remote, or am feeling delayed pain from wednesdays game. my right shoulder is killing me. maybe i should get a massage. AH i can't afford it. but it hurts. i feel a bit gloomy. one drawback to working at home. its hard to wake up and work. i still feel asleep. and in pain. wah :( ok kim, take some advil, suck it up. go take a walk. you need to exercise. clean the house, it's a mess! oh, shutup you mean internal voice. i dont need you right now. uh oh, did i say that out loud? :P

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Subject:	pissed again
Time:	5:04 pm.

this bull is seeing red, again!

ok. barb left me a message at my house (just picked it up from work).

"hi, it's me. wanted to see how you are. i'm probably the last person you want to hear from. um... i don't really know what happened the other night. *LAUGHS* um... ok, just wanted to see how you are. talk to you later."

OK - - QUESTION:
She doesn't know what happened the other night?! All the things I said to her about what I thought she did wrong (hedging on our roommate agreement after I gave notice at my place... hacking into Rylie and my email, making promises to contact me and then not).!? Did she not hear anything i said? Doesn't this prove my belief that she generally seems to deal with problems through denial? and wtf is she laughing?!!!!! nervous laughter? b/c by laughing, to me she laughs off our entire conversation, and all the points i tried to make to show her how she hurt me and acted totally irresponsibly

FOR-REAL QUESTIONS:
1) Am I overreacting?
2) Am I justified in feeling incredibly frustrated, angry, and disrespected by this person?

ack.

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Subject:	Another Day
Time:	3:29 pm.

Quite beautiful outside. Warm and sunny. Mmmm, low 70s? Wind is picking up. Great change from the grey of past few days. I really don't have anything of interet to post. It's another Weds. I'm at work and not wanting to work. I have a game tonight. After that I'll go to the gaybar for someone's bday. Rylie will probably join and we'll talk about B and how much help she needs, how R is doing w/her new squeeze, how I am doing waiting for MC to arrive. Thursday, Friday, weekend, Monday, Tuesday... ever feel like the days pretty much flow one after another after another? Last night I couldn't sleep, again, until 2pm. Not good. I had to nap after working a bit so I could make it through this long day. I need some sleeping pills again. Or someone to hold and help me sleep, OR give me a good reason to stay up besides endless hours of tv. *miscellaneous* someone bought a lottery ticket at the store a few blocks from my house, and won $15 million after taxes. * i bought max some catnip, gave him a little last night. this morning attacks the bag and help himself. :) * i've lost about 5 lbs. feels nice. clothes not all tight. * my great uncle turns 90 soon. * my life bores me. bleck.

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Subject:	angry
Time:	9:04 am.

i'm angry b/c i don't like to be jerked around. i have an inflated sense of justice. i don't like being manipulated. i don't like people going back on their promises. i don't have to be understanding. i don't have to forgive until i'm good and ready. i had something in my hand, in my head, that was going to happen, and that was taken from me in a childish, irresponsible, unethical way. i don't have to be happy about that.

i'm also angry at my boss for micromanaging me. for making me feel like i'm lucky to get vacation days, when it's every workers right. and that i have to report to him in seven different ways.

i'm mostly angry at myself for not having created a better life for myself where the above would not be factors.

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Subject:	health day
Time:	6:43 pm.

I did pretty good today.
cereal bar
togos turkey/cheese no mayo
jelly beans (ok a slip)
yogurt

not sure if i'll eat more later. hope not.
funny/interesting to learn what i put into my body. like a togo's taco salad has 60g of fat!!!! jeesuz. and the cheese on my sandwhich added 9g fat. skipping the mayo though took out 9g. the jelly beans, about 300 cal! what an empty snack. next time, carrotts. or like 10 of them, not a whole cup or whatever i ate.

i look in the mirror and get so discouraged. my double chin. fuck

oh well. i am trying! and as stacy would say, it's a lifestyle choice and change, not a diet.

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