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I need a change. I am changing journals. Yes, I realize that ![[info]](http://library.vu.edu.pk/cgi-bin/nph-proxy.cgi/000100A/http/web.archive.org/web/20041221045411im_/http:/=2fstat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) dreamfireflame is a paid account and all spiffy, but since it was a gift, I do not feel as bad for leaving it. I appreciate the payment, and I have used it faithfully for 8 months. Anyways, I am not posting the name here. I do not wish to freely give it to anyone. If you want to remain my friend here on livejournal, you MUST comment here in this post, and I shall add you as a friend with the new name. On Halloween/Samhain, with the day of transformations, this journal shall be "closed." I shall leave it open as is, but it shall no longer be posted in, and my new journal shall contain everything November 1, 2003 and onward. Thankyou for your time.
displays of mania:  okay
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I do not ask for pity. I am stressed. I have too much to get done. I'm also depressed, from stress, from hormones, from the drear of the weather, hell probably even from genetics, which generates apathy so nothing gets done. That in turn makes me feel even worse. I am completely alone. My Mike is over 500 miles away and can't give me any comfort except his voice.. and right now that makes things worse because I miss him even more. I hate technology. I hate computers. I hate phones. All of my friends have their own lives, so they concentrate on that and I'm an "add-on" sometimes. All of my so called friends, more like acquaintances, make sure that I don't matter enough in their circles. That's fine, because most of the time I get easily annoyed at such company. Before when things were this bad, I would count on my mother for comfort and affection. I don't even have that anymore. I get preached at and yelled at for not loving her enough because I am afraid to drive my car home all the fucking time. - Last weekend I spent with Mike. This weekend I've spent completely alone doing work and putzing online in my room, with some "phone socializing" with Mike. That's not a good combination with being depressed and stressed, along with missing your significant other so much that you almost want to say fuck it to the whole idea of a relationship and go into a complete shell again. That or I've been debating completely not allowing him to visit at all for 6-8 months. But I don't want to lose him from my life, and either choice there would cause that to happen. I think too much, of my past, my present, and the future that seems to never get any closer. If I don't get my ass in gear, that future won't ever arrive.. and I'll be the same as I was in the past, full of regret. I don't know what I need anymore. I need something else.. something not here, not there.. something different and stable.
displays of mania:  discontent
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Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The Pure. "I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."The White Rose is associated with purity, honor, and chastity. It is governed by the goddess Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape. As a White Rose, you are a person of your word. You may have a strong moral code, but regardless of your virtue, you always stay true to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of emotional forms and it's just a matter of waiting for it to bless you. Some people may say you are too idealistic, but it's only because you don't want to mess things up. What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To? brought to you by Quizilla Entish To which race of Middle Earth do you belong? brought to you by Quizilla
displays of mania:  blank
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[x]I hurt: without my Mikey [x]I love: Mikey [x]I hate: the way schooling works in the US [x]I cry: too frequently [x]I fear: being alone [x]I hope: for a better future [x]I feel alone: right now. [x]I kill: my hope with self deprecation too often [x]I talk: less often lately [x]I listen: and observe [x]I break: myself by being a clutz [x]I see: the world through blurry eyes [x]I smell: Mike all around me [x]I taste: aftertaste of diet pepsi [x]I work: less than I should [x]I remember: last weekend [x]I hold: my snow leopard [x]I hide: myself and my emotion to others [x]I pray: too little [x]I walk: significantly less often than a month ago [x]I drive: a car dying of old age [x]I read: too little of my leisure reading and too much uninteresting school stuff [x]I was: a creation of my mother, in every way [x]I breathe: air if my sinuses like me [x]I play: nothing [x]I miss: the feeling of love, comfort and security being wrapped up in a loved one's arms [x]I touch: the cold keyboard [x]I learn: that I am screwed up. [x]I feel: empty [x]I know: little of consequence, for I know a lot of schoolbook learning I'll never use again0 [x]I said: I love you [x]I dream: too often with too little result [x]I have: my own life to live [x]I want: something else [x]I fell: in love a long time ago without knowing it [x]I wait: for the future [x]I need: to be held [x]I live: in stagnancy [x]I die: eventually someday.  You're Shirley Manson, you saucy girl. What sexy girl are you brought to you by Quizilla
displays of mania: meh
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[ Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<td [...] ">') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <table align="center" summary="Countries" style="background-color: #DDDDDD; width: 400px"> <tr> <td colspan="3" style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>My Relation To Countries</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td rowspan="2" style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Visited</b></td> <td colspan="2" style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Known People From</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Offline</b></td> <td style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Online</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="vertical-align: top; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000">Austria<br />Belgium<br />Canada<br />Czech Republic<br />France<br />Germany<br />Luxembourg<br />Netherlands<br />Poland<br />Slovakia<br />Slovenia<br />Switzerland<br />United States<br /></td> <td style="vertical-align: top; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000">Australia<br />Austria<br />Belgium<br />Brazil<br />Canada<br />China<br />Czech Republic<br />Denmark<br />El Salvador<br />Finland<br />France<br />Germany<br />Hungary<br />Iceland<br />India<br />Ireland<br />Israel<br />Italy<br />Japan<br />Mexico<br />Mongolia<br />Netherlands<br />Netherlands Antilles<br />Norway<br />Poland<br />Romania<br />Russian Federation<br />South Africa<br />Spain<br />Sweden<br />Switzerland<br />Turkey<br />Ukraine<br />United Kingdom<br />United States<br /></td> <td style="vertical-align: top; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000">Argentina<br />Australia<br />Austria<br />Bangladesh<br />Belgium<br />Bermuda<br />Bolivia<br />Bosnia and Herzegovina<br />Brazil<br />Canada<br />Chile<br />China<br />Congo<br />Costa Rica<br />Croatia<br />Cyprus<br />Czech Republic<br />Denmark<br />Dominican Republic<br />Ecuador<br />Egypt<br />El Salvador<br />Estonia<br />Finland<br />France<br />Germany<br />Ghana<br />Greece<br />Greenland<br />Holy See (Vatican City State)<br />Hong Kong<br />Hungary<br />Iceland<br />India<br />Indonesia<br />Iran<br />Ireland<br />Israel<br />Italy<br />Jamaica<br />Japan<br />Jordan<br />Kenya<br />Kuwait<br />Latvia<br />Lebanon<br />Lithuania<br />Luxembourg<br />Malaysia<br />Malta<br />Mauritius<br />Mexico<br />Monaco<br />Mongolia<br />Morocco<br />Netherlands<br />Netherlands Antilles<br />New Zealand<br />Niger<br />North Korea<br />Norway<br />Oman<br />Pakistan<br />Palestine<br />Paraguay<br />Peru<br />Philippines<br />Poland<br />Portugal<br />Puerto Rico<br />Romania<br />Russian Federation<br />Saudi Arabia<br />Senegal<br />Slovakia<br />Slovenia<br />South Africa<br />South Korea<br />Spain<br />Sri Lanka<br />Sudan<br />Sweden<br />Switzerland<br />Taiwan<br />Turkey<br />Uganda<br />Ukraine<br />United Arab Emirates<br />United Kingdom<br />United States<br />Uruguay<br />Venezuela<br />Vietnam<br />Yugoslavia<br /></td> </tr> </table> <table style="background-color: #DDDDDD; width: 400px" summary="Statistics" align="center"> <tr> <td colspan="3" style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Statistics</b></td> </tr> <tr> <td colspan="2" style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Number of Countries I Visited: </b></td> <td style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000; text-align: center; width: 40px""> 13</td> </tr> <tr> <td rowspan="2" style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Number of Countries I Talked To People From</b></td> <td style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Offline: </b></td> <td style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000; text-align: center; width: 40px"> 35</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000"><b>Online: </b></td> <td style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000; text-align: center; width: 40px"> 94</td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000" colspan="3"><a style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000" href="http://khab.webservicez.nl/countries.php">Which Countries Are You Related To?</a></td> </tr> <tr> <td style="text-align: center; background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000" colspan="3">Brought to you by: <span style='white-space:nowrap;'><a href='http://www.livejournal.com/userinfo.bml?user=khalidz0r'><img src='http://stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif' alt='userinfo' width='17' height='17' style='vertical-align:bottom;border:0;' /></a><a style="background-color: #EEEEEE; color: #000000" href='http://www.livejournal.com/users/khalidz0r/'><b>khalidz0r</b></a></span></td> </tr> </table> displays of mania:  amused
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*sighs* I should be getting ready to go do research, where I get to hold the damn handgrip with my blood flow occluded from my hand (translates to have a BP cuff put on at a pressure of 200 8 times for varying lengths). I so fucking don't want to do that. I can understand the experiment. But, I don't want to make more bruises or kill my right wrist, which it will do, since it hurt like hell without the BP thing last time. Worse off, he expects me to do this twice. I am thinking of ducking out and emailing him in some hours time saying I had to go to the car place or something. I should be cleaning and organizing my stuff. I should be doing the 3 assignments of homework I need to do today. I should be doing research for my 2 research papers. I should go to Planned Parenthood for more BC pills. I should do my resume. I should find and print my past critical essays so my teachers can look at them for my grad school apps. I should do my graduate school applications. I should study for the two exams I have in a week. I should do the other homework due next week. I should gather the crap I need to get more of a loan for next semester. But I don't want to.I want to sleep. I want to read leisurely. I want to write. I want to go for a walk. I want to play with crayons and oil pastels. I want to play with webpages. I want to edit already written stories. I want to redo my computer system. I want to go out and do something fun. I want to go to the bookstore and get more reading material. I want undegrad to be done with. I want to already be settled with a grad school and financial aid. I want to have finances figured out so Mike and I can have a life together, a married one. I want to be living in Boston, with Mike. I want my Mike with me now. . . . okay. stopping now before I get more desperate about what I want to do instead of what I should do.
displays of mania: blah
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I hate saying goodbye. Mikey is gone, yet again. I'm sitting here, feeling horribly alone.. my bed feels empty, the room feels hollow, and I feel like a piece of me has walked off again that I cannot get back til I see him again. Now I have to return to the stress and utter annoying shit of my life. -- It was a splendid weekend, full of love and randomness. We decided that officially we're going to consider ourselves engaged to each other now.. I have a new red and silver Betta fish named Dinner. I have oil pastels to play with.. I have a very nice tan canvas messenger bag. I have cute little Japanese good luck kitties in 5 colors scattered around my room. I was able to hold and kiss, and everything else, my Mikey for 3 days. -- I am sad. *sigh* I go to nap before I completely splat.
displays of mania: sad
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awake
annoyed
excited
backward