journal of a girl [entries|friends|calendar] _steph_ [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

(10 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) is this because i can spell confusion with a *K* and like it? [11 Jan 2004|04:21pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | something corporate - konstantine ] all afternoon ive been sitting on my bed...knitting needles in hand....knitting away at my multi colored scarf...while the sound of konstantine fills the air of my room... i find comfort in being alone... <3 steph

(5 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) and we still rent movies...but we don't share the couch... :[ [10 Jan 2004|10:29pm] [ mood | kinda sad & sleepy ] [ music | bright eyes - its cool, we can still be friends ] i dont think that ive found a bright eyes song that i dont love or cant relate to... this song is beautiful. makes me cry...a lot! | its cool, we can still be friends // bright eyes | Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek Yeah, you still kiss me, but it's just on the cheek Yeah, you still kiss me sometimes, but it's just on the cheek You pull away so easily And I still call you, but I get your machine And I still call you, but I get your machine And if I'm lucky I guess, I get your roommate answering But you're at the bar, or at Gene's And we go to dinner, but you won't hold my hand We sit at the same table, but we don't play with our feet Yeah, we still go to dinner sometimes, but we don't sneak a kiss When the waitress turns around And we still watch movies, but we don't share the couch And we still rent movies, but we don't share the couch Yeah, we still watch movies sometimes, but you don't lay in my lap The plot is slow, take a nap And you even stay over, but now we stay in our clothes Yeah, you'll even sleep over, but now we stay in our clothes Yeah, you even sleep over sometimes, but we stay in our clothes I'm only there so that you're not alone And you say that I hurt you, in a voice like a prayer Yeah, you say that I've hurt you, and your voice is like a prayer Yeah, well maybe I hurt you sometimes, but let's contrast and compare Lift up your shirt, the wound isn't there I guess that your truth, is just the ghost of your lies I guess your kind of truth, is just the ghost of your lies Yeah, your kind of truth, darling, is just the ghost of your lies I see through them all the time So I'm pouring some whiskey, I'm gonna get drunk Yeah, I'm pouring myself some whiskey, I'm going to get really fucking drunk I'm pouring some whiskey right now, I'm going to get so, so drunk That I pass out, forget your face, by the time I wake up. <3 steph

(12 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) ...ill wreck this coming down like the apocalypse... [08 Jan 2004|10:11pm] [ mood | determined ] [ music | the distillers - idoless ] nothing wrong with a little bit of randomness on a thursday night... [not really worth reading. no funny stuff] *rawr* i want =to re-paint my room. its so sloppy and looks like shit. i demand perfection! heh =to find a big huge black rug for my room. my floor is freezing =to get addicted to the o.c =to marry adam brody =to marry conor oberst =to marry my idol =to get un-obsessed with celebrities =to not care about how many cars p.diddy owns =to go back to school next semester :/ im escareded :[ =degrassi junior high [and high] to come back =to see igby goes down...the full movie. =to get my web cam working =to get better at photography =christmas to come back =to learn how to knit =to knit a hot pink and black striped scarf...even a hat maybe? =make my own t-shirts. [if you know how email me. stephy_iyellow@hotmail.com eeek i need assistance! hehe] =to build a snow man this weekend =my hair to grow faster =todays special to be on tv again =to watch reality tv more =to have no worries =to steal mikes cat *pickles* =to get my own cat =to stop missing my old cat chloe :[ =to be cuddling with my love right now =to jump brody dalle =to paint more =to see that movie...the one that i forget the name of :[ =to see that movie that i cant pronounce the name of. haha =to live closer to the people i like =organize...anything! =to get hot*** ***my new years resolution...go on a major diet and get hot! im so sick of being ugly, and never being considered.....'hot'....'beautiful'....'pretty' [etc] i want guys to want me. i want people to notice me and to not be invisible anymore. i dont want attention...i think that would just make me uncomfortable. i just want to be noticed...maybe as that cute weird girl? instead of, the ugly shy loser spaz...the title i currently own. im going to stick with this...im so fucking determinded...which is odd for me. *rawr* <3 steph

(10 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) die young and save yourself! [08 Jan 2004|02:31pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | brand new - sic transit gloria...gloria fades ] things have been fucked up to the max lately. my hotmail account...my livejournal. ooohhh the drama! i'd post about it now...but im just not in the mood ermmm yes. i saw a bit of igby goes down the other day. i want to see buy that movie! <3 steph

(14 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) this pain...it cuts [03 Jan 2004|03:20pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | bright eyes ] i think i kind of envy you... your life is perfect. people love you. you have friends. i love you and dont want to feel this way you never comment on my journal. it pains me, yus. i shouldnt have to ask. you told me to call you whenever i feel like cutting...but your grounded. no phone. so guess what i did in your absence. <3 steph

(7 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) one year and a month <3 [03 Jan 2004|11:16am] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | story of the year - razorblades and cupcakes ] i spent the night at mikes on thursday. i finally convinced my mom to let me. he tried to make up for not being with me on new years [which is something that hit me really hard...kinda threw me back into this state of utter depression...stupid, i know.] ...and going to a party and sleeping there. it was fairly sucessful, while he was at the party on new years, he taped the countdown show [thing] that city tv was putting on, and he and a girl at the party made me a bunch of flowers made out of pages from magazines. so when i went to his house we just hung out for a bit...then around ten he put in the tape and we watched the whole show and pretended like jan 1st was new years eve...we had noise makers and everything. it was a pretty sweet thing to do. today is our thirteen monthiversary. i think im gonna go over later...we'll rent a john cuzack movie or something. enough about him/us im getting really depressed again...i dont like it. even though its the only emotion that i feel comfortable with. i think that i need to be tested or something...i think there's more than just anxiety going on with me... the anxiety is terrible...its causing problems with me and mike...it causes problems with me and my "friends" [""s because i dont know if i have any...or if you can call them that]. but it still feels like there's something else... i think im bi-polar... i wish i was a doctor so i could figure things out for myself. im done. <3 steph

(12 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) happy fucking new years [31 Dec 2003|01:01pm] [ mood | depressed ] [ music | days of our lives - tv ] happy fucking new years mike made me a new layout...check it out <3 conor oberst im going to be alone on new years...im pretty fucking depressed about that. i hate new years...i always have. cause it means just another year of being here... [p.s kinda need you tonight. meh] may i leave? i dont want to be here anymore... tonight will suck anus. its going to consist of me staying at home with my family...watching them drink. i think im gonna stay online all night and talk to caleigh...she told me she'd entertain me tonight since i got ditched. johns working all night...so there goes my idea of having a great night with him. he was kind of confused as to why im not going to be with mike...i half told him, but didnt really want to get into it. hope everyone has a great new years... looks like no new years kiss for me at the strike of midnight :[ at least tomorrow seems some what good....? even thought i have no idea what mike has planned for me.... i love you to death... <3 steph

(7 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) hurt x7089708970897009053741264000009 [30 Dec 2003|08:08am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | moneen - tonight, im gone ] i officially suck at driving. lastnight i drove my brother somewhere and mike home. i am terrible. there was a man walking down the street with a huge top hat on...so i say...."OH MY GOD! LOOK AT THAT MAN! HE'S WEARING A TOP HAT......whoooooooooooa that bus came out of no where!" i saw the man in the hat...then i was suppose to turn down a street to get to mikes house and this city bus seriously came out of no where...i almost hit it...i had to drive up on someones lawn to get out of the way. whoa...i think i gave my mom a heart attack. i then said, "people should not be allowed to wear funny hats and walk down the street...it distracts the drivers!" mike laughed...my mom got madder haha. im sooooo sad/hurt like x7089708970897009053741264000009 [my phone number is in there somewhere...can you find it? huh? huh?] so ive recently done something...that i dont see a problem with yet... it involves: -me hurting beyond repair -a safety pin -a huge kilt pin [goooooo catholic school girl!] -my wrist -people being mad at me ok...so im stupid. and obviously a pussy cause im just using a safety pin...which by the way doesnt even draw blood, just deep scratches, im not actually hurting myself. its just something to concentrate on, instead of the bad things that your used to concentrating on...and dwelling on. its just an escapism. im probably not going to get all hardcore about it....im a pussy remember. caleigh told me about how bad she got. she scared me. god i love her so muchos! <3 steph

(2 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) emo. [30 Dec 2003|07:52am] [ mood | blah ] so apppppppppparently im emo...cause quizilla.com said so...and im a slave to quizilla. it knows all. you are an emo pussy. stop whining about how your girlfriend dumped you and get the fuck over it. go cry. stop feeling sorry for yourself, cause everyone is sick of hear it you dumb asshole. what kind of asshole scene kid are you? brought to you by Quizilla <3 steph

(6 pulled the trigger | end this nightmare) moneyyyyyy....get away! [29 Dec 2003|12:15pm] [ mood | helpless ] [ music | the distillers - gypsy rose lee ] i was awaken this morning by the sound of my mom coming home from getting her car e-tested. she came in my room crying...her car failed. i just hugged her and said nice things. a whole bunch of shit is wrong with her car, so she's going to have to pay like five hundred (or more) to get it fixed, so she can be back on the road. five hundred to you guys might not seem like alot of money...but it is to us...trust me. how pathetic does that sound? i feel so bad for my mom. we're ok without her car right now...but she goes back to work next monday...and her work is like 30mins away...so i duno what shes gonna do. my step dad works in buffalo and he's gone with his car all day...urgh. she has to come up with the money in the next couple of days so she can get her car in the shop in time. my mom left my room and i just sat there...feeling helpless and trying to forget the bad dream i had. then she came back in my room a little while after and apologized for coming to me with her problems. god i love my mom. she just said that she knows theres a lot of stuff going on with me...and that its making me stressed, have anxiety and what not, and she said that she didnt want to add to my worrying with her problems. she knows that i stress out about our financial situation and what not...and i do, way too much. but i honestly dont mind. me and my mom are good friends, she can come to me with anything. she also told me that she thinks my medication is working...she says in more calm and happy and stuff. good to hear...i havent noticed a difference. im really worried... my mom has been through so much, and she doesnt deserve it. no one does. im trying to think of ways i can help...but there arent any. i feel so helpless. and confused. FUCKERS! p.s caleigh is now with the one she loves. im so happy for her! she is such a sweet girl. sometimes i dont know what id do without her. <3 <3 steph

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