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[May. 19th, 2004|04:03 pm] |
I feel clean.
I know. It's a good thing, no matter how bad it hurt. And to tell you the truth - it really doesn't any more. I see you for what you are, what you were.
Good bye.
Which I see now - leads right into hello :-D
Working on the Challenge X calendar system - it's starting to hurt my brain. It is rather complex, but it will work nicely when I'm done. I think... |
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[May. 19th, 2004|01:11 pm] |
There's a song by Ben Fold's Five that fits quite well, if only slightly parallel. Here are the lyrics for "Boxing"...
__________________________________________________
Howard, the strangest thing
Has happened lately
When I take a good swing
And all my dreams
They pivot and slip
I drop my fists and they're back
Laughing Howard
My intention's become not to lose what I've won
Ambition has given way to desperation and I
Lost the fight from my eyes
[chorus:]
Boxing's been good to me, Howard
Now I'm old, you're growing old
The whole time we knew
In a couple of years I'd be through
Has boxing been good to you?
Howard, I confess I'm scared and lonely and tired
They seem to think I'm made of clay
Another day, not cut out for this
I just want to say, I say
[chorus]
Well sometimes I punch myself as hard as I can
Yelling nobody cares hoping someone will tell me how
Wrong I am
[chorus]
Has boxing been good
Has boxing been good to you?
__________________________________________________
It's really not like me to quote someone else. But it seems appropriate. Good bye again.
Off to make sense of it all. It's a beautiful day - I think I may need to take a hike. :-D I'm smiling still. Thanks ;) I owe it all to you. :-D Thanks for keeping me sane through the storm. |
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[May. 16th, 2004|01:27 am] |
Today was supposed to be fun.
The fest was cold and rainy. All I brought were shorts, and the only jacket I have is my rain jacket. The jacket and shorts both got wet in the rain, which made me cold cold cold. I got back to the room in the mid afternoon, took a nap, and woke up feeling sick. I missed dinner, screwed around with the stuff we all got this weekend, and that was about it. We were supposed to drink and have a party tonight - but it didn't happen for me because I was sick. SUCK.
We're getting up early tomorrow to pack, head to the fest, and head home.
To top it off - let's talk about books.
New book has an old book, old book has a new book - and I'm stuck in the middle of everything with nothing.
I'm sick of giving everything away for nothing in return.
LOL - then why the heck am I at the DAYTON HAMVENTION!?
Ehh - you know what I mean, though. Sometimes you'll meet a dog that just loves people - the type that follows you around and doesn't like to be alone. I think that's me. It seems most people see this as a weakness - and maybe it is. But I'm coming to terms with the fact that - well - it's just me. What can I do?
Need to get some more sleep for tomorrow. It will be a long day - by the end of it I'll be in Canfield for dinner, and then probably hang around there for a day, back to Akron Tuesday thanks to Challenge X, and then up to Ashtabula to *finally* work on the boat. It's going to be a long week. |
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[May. 14th, 2004|12:20 am] |
Oh yeah right so issues of my past?
Easily covered up, surprisingly. I've got something new to focus on [ hi ;) ]. Rolling towards Columbus tonight I couldn't get her off of my mind. It may be somewhat premature, but it has been a long time since I was so excited to talk to someone, and the feeling was seemingly returned. So hi :).
I am happy.
Thank YOU.
Good night from Dayton. Preparing for the Dayton Hamvention tomorrow, and am looking forward to a good weekend with the guys. Didn't make it to Tom's for the annual cookout this year - he had a baby. WTF. :-P. So we went to the Air Force museum and Mendelson's - a giant liquidator. It was like Nemer basement - times 100 - cubed. I washed my hands after I left. The water was black. Tonight we went to BW's, and it was gwood.
Now I need to sleep. |
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[May. 14th, 2004|12:07 am] |
U Dayton network?
pwned
:-D
Mad props to BlackRazor and Optiplex |
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[May. 12th, 2004|09:54 pm] |
It was real for me. Very real.
I know that now.
I should have never tried. I should have known better. Now I do.
Rebirth seems such a false hope right now. It seems that I have just milked the best for all it was worth, only to be denied *yet again*. Now I find myself back where this whole story began.
I haven't asked for much in this life. If I had to ask for one thing I know what it would be. I've already asked for it. And I'm never going to have it.
That's hard to stomach, no matter what I find to occupy my time now.
What is wrong with me.
Maybe nothing - maybe I just know what this all means. The Zenith has passed me, and I was unable to hold on. This isn't my problem?
Yes - yes it is. |
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[May. 11th, 2004|06:23 pm] |
Wow what an interesting day. Old book closed, locked, and put on the shelf.
Different category.
Different shelf.
New book.
New character.
New direction? I hope!
Definately a new place to put my attention - and quite deserving of it. What shards I have pieced together are definately melting again. Hopefully I'll be able to forge something good from this - something strong, something sturdy, and something well balanced.
It is a wonderful feeling.
I love speaking in very general terms that nobody can understand.
Names are being covered up to protect the innocent.
And how. |
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[May. 11th, 2004|02:34 pm] |
Well - saw that coming. Doesn't mean it doesn't suck.
But alas - this is that point where I say I gave it my best, and put it behind me forever.
Moving on from here - nothing else to do. What a day... |
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[May. 7th, 2004|12:11 am] |
I just *hate* it when my computer screws up and sends blank e-mails.
This is really quite amazing. I can't believe this is going to happen.
I'm going to get an A in an engineering class.
I feel dirty. Very very dirty.
I don't cheat. I don't lie. I don't steal. I just ask for what is mine, what I deserve.
I'm going to get an A in an engineering class. |
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[May. 6th, 2004|01:12 am] |
Dr. Ida almost seemed shocked that I left the Emag final without handing it in (accepting my current grade which is dismal, but passing). He doesn't understand me. I don't think many of the professors do. Not really sure why - I don't cheat, I normally ask intelligent questions (compared to some other people in my classes), and I stay on top of the ball enough to do decently well on tests. Granted my HW sometimes slips a bit, but I think I prove my abilities without it. Maybe that's my flaw - and maybe they're not happy I've made it this far.
Besides good ole' Doc Giak'. He stopped by the 5th floor today and I made sure to say hello. He told me I'm his most improved student - that I'm a good thinker - and that I'm in the "A range". :-D ok! SURE...why not. Final tomorrow, and a paper due tomorrow. Oh wait - actually today. Haven't really started worrying about either. Been too worried about my last actual final - Controls. Oh - and Com & Sig Processing went very well this morning. Been a long day.
So personal life? Man - personal life. I'm attached. Simple as that. But something tells me it just isn't going to last. Most days I wish it would. But there are those days - every so often - when I can feel the strain. The desire to run, to be free of these bindings. I wish I could at least understand it - and at the most destroy it. I really do think this is good for us both. But hey - what do I know...
1:12 AM - time to start on that report that's due today. YEAH |
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[May. 4th, 2004|10:33 pm] |
You know - I hate being lied to.
I understand that I can't control what's around me, and that I can't change what has already happened. So be it. All I ask is that I know. I want to know - and in most cases I see no reason why I shouldn't be handed the truth. Plain and simple. You lie to me, though - we have a problem. A big problem.
Just thought I'd let you know.
On another front - I have to wonder if the puppet has become the puppetmaster? From all indications, that is the case. But if I am the puppetmaster for now, will I be able to cut the strings in the near future? I have no where else to practice my art, but I still have to wonder if I shouldn't start over again. This puppet - it wants to run away. I know it, I can feel it at times. But what would happen if I cut the strings and it stayed - refusing to run. Ahh - what a mess.
But SO worth every last second. EVERY last second. Every LAST second. :( |
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[May. 2nd, 2004|11:10 pm] |
The second law of thermodynamics states that in any isolated system, the degree of disorder can only increase.
Welcome to my love life.
School is winding down this semester - looks like I'm going to pass everything. That's always good.
I'm also the new IEEE president. I've been so busy with school that it hasn't sunk in yet.
That's all the news for now - stay tuned though. The next few weeks will be a rocky road for sure. |
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[Apr. 28th, 2004|06:04 pm] |
AHH!!!
GOD SHOULD NOT BE IN OUR PLEDGE!!!
You say - "but the name is mentioned on our money as well!" - and you're RIGHT! GOD SHOULD NOT BE ON OUR MONEY!!!
The 10 commandments SHOULD NOT BE IN A COURTHOUSE!!!
It is discrimination to do so! I know most of you Americans are closed-minded conservative types - and that's FINE! You go do and think whatever you WANT - but you should NOT start getting all high and mighty, pushing your beliefs onto others. That type of bullshit does NOT BELONG IN THE LAND OF THE FREE!
There was a REASON why they decided to put the idea of "seperation of church of state" in the constitution!!!
For all those who have forgotten what the first amendment looks like, I have copied it below. This was the first amendment, part of what we call the BILL OF RIGHTS. The Bill of Rights sets up the basic rights that we are supposed to be granted - and in turn grant to our peers - as part of this wonderful nation. How would you feel if they put "Allah" in place of God? AHH ok enough ranting here it is read it - and I mean READ IT. Argh sometimes the average American pisses me off.
"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." |
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[Apr. 25th, 2004|01:28 am] |
Why? You know why - because it's still there, and because it just feels so right. For all the reasons that I said I never could, but would. For all the reasons I would never admit to, but still ignored.
It can't last forever. I have three weeks to make the best of things. To partake in all that was wonderful. Three weeks to partake in all that was great, to focus on all that I've missed.
Am I insane? No. Am I being careless with myself? Maybe. But I am happy.
I am oh - SO happy. As happy as I can be knowing that I only have three weeks. It always was the type of thing that would make me sad to die, because I wouldn't be able to experience it the next day. Now I just have to experience that feeling a lot sooner.
And I truly don't think that this happiness can ever be a bad thing.
I don't think THIS could ever be a bad thing.
That's a lot of rambling to say - well - next to nothing. But that's all you get. And I need to get some sleep. |
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[Apr. 23rd, 2004|12:48 am] |
This is the end of the week from HELL.
It's been the last week for tests and other assorted amusements, such as Controls I Lab Reports. I just finished working on our lab report - it's close to 50 pages.
Time to START studying for the Emag II test tomorrow morning. ARGH why oh why oh why does becoming an engineer have to SUCK SO GOD DAMN MUCH!?!?
:( I swear this degree will be the end of me yet... |
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[Apr. 14th, 2004|11:55 pm] |
You know the old saying - if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be.
However, I've also heard another version that goes something like this - if you love something let it go, if it comes back it is - well - broken.
I believe it's from a movie. I'm not sure which one.
And to top it off - I'm not sure which one. |
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[Apr. 10th, 2004|03:50 am] |
Drink drink drink
Today I had my second Controls exam, and I feel like I may have done ok. Although I may have failed. You never know with Dr. Alex. That stinks. So after the test me and about half the class went to Pints for a few beers. I came home, slept them off, went to Momus and did some work on the Challenge X web site, and came back here...
And drank. By myself. I've had a few, trying to calm my nerves. I've been super stressed lately. School is enough to stress me out. Then there's gurl.
What's up with gurl. Where is this going to go. I was SURE she would never come back, but now I'm not so sure. Do I want that? Does she know what she wants? It really is a confusing mess.
Througout it all I have to wonder what other people that are important to me would think. Not like in the end it would really matter, but I've always used this type of thought to make sure I'm not crazy - double check my path with the thoughts of friends and family that are close to me. Yeah - pretty sure they'd think I was crazy. My mom - of all people - would probably understand. Dad may understand as well - not too sure. Last I checked he had mentioned something about non-serious relationships. LOL well hello there! Sisters - they'd probably hate me. Rachel would kinda say whatev, Bre would not talk to me. She'd also act nice around her, but would be faking it all just to bitch to me later. Friends - no idea. I think most of them would say whatever makes me happy is good, while some of them probably could care less, while others would think I was selling out.
What an odd mix. I just don't know where it's going - you know? I just don't know. With that - back to drinking.
What out for the L's. They're killer. |
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[Apr. 6th, 2004|10:48 pm] |
Listening to BFF's "Brick". The words "she's a brick and I'm drowning slowly" seem to echo in my head.
It only gets better.
So a few times ago I talked about some girl from Momus I saw at the student union. Yeah - it wasn't her. I swear she must have a twin sister - but it totally wasn't her. But I still suspect a token male figure in there somewhere. I just have a feeling. Because - you know - all the good ones are taken.
Well - for the most part :-P
So anyway back to the drowning slowly...the last couple of weeks there's been a new face at Momus that has been quite enchanting. Tonight I noticed what that is - the face is like a spot-on-match for someone else I know. Someone I saw just today. The rabbit hole just keeps getting deeper.
My senior project is pretty much set now. I'll be working on the Challenge X team. It's a team participating in the Challenge X competition that has been put together and sponsored by General Motors and the Department of Energy. Some rather large names - no doubt. The first year is mostly research on the commercially available hybrid cars/trucks out there, modeling, and power train design, assembly, and testing. Should be an action-packed year, and it started today. I've bitten off quite a large chunck, basically doing the secretary work and being the web master of the entire project. There's already a lot of money wound up in this thing, and about 50 or so people all together. Quite exciting - but a lot of work is ahead of me.
Controls test #2 on Friday - I'm pretty darn nervous. My HW in that class is just total crap. It may as well be a zero. But that seems to be offset by my test grades, my overall understanding of the class, and my lab grades. The lab grades I think will be the redeeming factor for me. I just have to focus - and study study study...
I think the temptations were all direct descendents of God. The black 60's Jesus's of soul. They're just - too good. LOL yeah ok so I'm sure a lot of people out ther don't really share my opinions on the matter. I dunno - just so darn good.
I think I'm going to write my own songs. I've been playing guitar. I've been working on my linux picture frame. I've been trying to play darts and lift. I think I've become too busy for my own good. At least I'm staying busy - lol what an understatement!
So many random thoughts tonight. I think that means it's time to pack it up, pack it in, let me begin. LOL - or let me end :-P good night! |
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[Apr. 6th, 2004|02:47 am] |
Wow who would have guessed I would be here!? I never imagined it all coming back. But it can't - can it? I just don't know. I just do not know.
In the normal world, I'm struggling with getting my two routers to play nicely with eachother. I'm starting to really hate Linksys. But yet I'm still thrilled with the simplicity and rugedness of my old Netgear router, which is 4 years older. Ooh and I got a wireless card for my picture frame tonight, and it just lit right up! HELLO LINUX WIRELESS!!! :-D It was cheap too - can't beat that!
Oh and I got my stereo jacked out of my car on Friday. Bastards. Someone else in my lot got theirs jacked as well. So I got a new one installed today at Best Buy - same thing really. Cheapest one they had. But this time I'll be keeping the face plate WITH me. Hopefully that will be enough to stop them - because the piss-poor design of my car door/window sure didn't put up much resistance! >:-O
OK so one final obscure thought - it was a really nice weekend. I got jack shit done, and spent most of my time hanging out around the appartment. But it was - oddly comfortable. Which kinda leads back to the first obscure craziness. My oh my where is this going, where will this all end. Maybe it already has. Maybe it has yet to begin.
it's uber_late, time to close my eyes |
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[Apr. 1st, 2004|06:14 pm] |
It was over 70 on Sunday, and it is snowing right now. Talk about an April Fool's day joke! YOU GOT ME, MOTHER NATURE!!!
Bitch...
Had a good time this morning - a real good time. I think Adessa's right - I am crazy. But really I'm not. I'm not doing this because I *need* to be rejected again. LOL - I'm doing this so that in the end that's what she'll be doing. God ok so maybe I am crazy!
Saw my new Momus friend this afternoon in the student union building. She got a hair cut over spring break, and is looking really REALLY good. I would have approached her and told her what's on my mind - even ask her out - if it wasn't for the guy I earlier suspected to be her boyfriend being here as well. :(
All the good girls are taken, and the ones that aren't won't have anything to do with me.
I hate this snow. Oh - and I have a lab report due tomorrow that I have to work on, which means I'm missing the ALUG meeting tonight over MySQL :(. And worse yet - they were going to be handing out free geek t-shirts with MySQL branding on them. Wait - I'm not sure - yep my life is definately getting worse... :-P
LOL - notice it's not women issues, bad grades, or anything else getting me down outside of the lost chance to pick up a free geek t-shirt. :D |
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