Nicole

1:30am: Read it like it is
what are you supposed to do when your sunny days turn blue
you wake up to a nightmare and sleep so you can go anywhere
life hands you a lemon so you can make lemonade but a rotten life gives you rotten days expecting to reach high i just get high watching my life pass by do what i have to so i can live through another day waiting to get paid just enough to earn my way this world means nothing and im trying to be something but when you're held down with thoughts spinning around the most you can do is pray for the day you can laugh your problems away

12:59am: April 18, 2002
I woke up very groggy. Whatever I snorted last night defintly is for insomniacs of a different kind. It seems like they are a fake sleep and give an insomniac only the chance to sleep, and nothing else. It's not much of a sleep.But when I woke up, I found a couple of messages waiting for me. One of them told me that my radio show had completed being ripped to the computer. The other message said that all my songs in queue had completed downloading, including the "I will Try" song from the Trainspotting sdtrk. that had been behind a firewall for god knows how long. I woke myself up with that song...I dressed in my usual hippie outfits and skipped out to class. I skipped so happily watching the sidewalk disappear beneath my feet. THe ants scurried around carrying bits of food and particles and I made sure to step out of their way so I didn't kill them. I was feeling oh so nice. I went to my Bio lab and identified different types of trees using a special scientific tree map thing. I came back to the room and slept for 4 hours. I got a drink before my nite class and as I skipped merrily along the walk, I ran into a nest of ants. They had invaded an entire square of sidewalk and even the grass around it. I had no choice but to step on them...

4:29am: Goin MP3 Crazy
Cause you know thats how we do

Yea i downloaded a shit load of songs. Let's see...where does my journal leave off? I dont know. So this weekend was another weekend wasted. I wasn't wasted, my weekend was. Last night rawked! It was the best day I have had all semester. Danny Mike and Craig came in and spun and I got it all on video and DAT. Im gonna make a show out of it just like the Music Halls and then rip it so I can have it on my computer. Wow...that's wierd to think of me in my own mix within my playlists. Hehe but still amazing at the same time.

So I finished all the music halls that I need to. I do have one thats missing, according to Jim. But Matt has 2 missing so there HA you're no better than me little one.

I talked to adam sunday...yea well not much to update on that one. he wants danielle to get rid of the baby which i agree with. dont get me started on that subject though because i dont want to hear it. I figure if i can't find a roomate, I might possibly be able to survive. I just need to find a good job. I had a phone call from an executive that i left my number with. the job she's hiring for is in Wythville selling cell phones to truck drivers. i have cell phone experience and customer relations so im a good candidate for the job. If i get it she said i could make between 1800 and 2200 a month. and you know damn well i could use that money if i dont get a roomate. that could pay for my rent 3 times!!!!!!! holy shit i want that job now...bad...

what else, what else? oh yea the grand-rents are coming down the 27th and leaving may 3...i guess they plan on seeing me may 3rd...i hope they bring me money.

you know, i had so much to tell ya but now ive done forgot it all...shit

12:31pm: Nothing hits you harder than the truth. And the truth is that I am scared for my life. Not from anyone, but from this society. From the fact that I have to live in poverty for the next 2 years of my life because everything is placed at a priced value, creating a world that is too big for us to function in.

11:18am: Im meant to live alone and be independent!
Ive been considering all the many possibilities of me and this apartment thing. Yea, Kenny, who knew moving off campus was so hard and such a bitch? I need to gather up $189 to turn on my electric water and sewage. I have one definite paycheck coming next week. But, I also have the phone-a-thon check, Danielle's $30 she owes me for the Incubus ticket, and money from when I sell back books. I also have to pay my credit card and cell phone. I should be okay for the month of May, but rent is due again on June 1st. So I need to come up with $450 plus my cell phone bill, credit card bill, and utility payment. This doesn't include gas, food, and things for Indica. Oh my god-please help me through this.

I was thinking that if I do go up to DC the weekend of may 3rd then I can drive into Maryland and see Aunt Maragaret and get my cat. But I dont think Im going to have enough money to go to DC.

I called University Police and apparently Lt. Bonds retired so I left a voicemail on the guy who has taken his place, some Lt. Brown. He sounds like a fucking crackhead and he'd better get back to me. Ive been waiting a year and half for those mother fuckers that broke into my car to pay me back. Ive gotten one payment of $50 and they still owe me another $125. thats valuable money that I COULD USE AT THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. As much as I have always told myself to save my money, I have used it so carelessly. Mostly, drugs, mostly. But I will still make it. I know I will. I have to. This is the begining of the REST OF MY LIFE. this is the scariest thing i have EVER had to deal with.

So i thought I wouldn't HAVE to have a job until June, but now I see that I need one as soon as I leave campus for the summer. If anybody wants to send me money so I can eat and survive for the next year...I would greatly appreciate it.

2:43am: Another dream I have yet to finish recording. I talked to adam tonite. I really agree with him and feel that danielle should get an abortion. She will save her life so much stress and hardship if she does. Who wants to be a parent at this age? She's fucking up everything she's been planning to do. By keeping the baby, she's keeping herself locked away in Franklin County with her parents. I know she doesn't want that and everyone knows she doesnt need it. But all I can do is be her friend and support any decision she makes.

So i dont even know if adam is moving down. If she has the baby, he's going into the Navy, if she gets rid of it then she'll be moving in with me still and I think adam will come down. shit i dont even feel like writing anything tonight.

12:03am: I had a dream last night that I was in this world made out of paper. Everything was made out of paper, the trees, buildings. It was a 2-D world. Jamie Lee was driving me Stephen and Emily to her school. She started driving, but I told her to pull over. I think we were in my car and I didnt want her driving! She's only 11. I ccouldn't think of her or even Stephen driving at this age! haha sill dreams.. I drove her to her school. It was a paper car remember, and It was funny because we could actually drive up into the lobby of these buildings. It was an open set like world of paper objects. So then I went to drop Stephen off.I think there may have been something about me and lindsey missing the bus. Yea this is going why back to those high school days LOL. So anyway, I dropped Stephen off. But I really didnt know where I was. Can you imagine this? It was a set I met this old couple. They watched over a school. They had a computer and used AIM and added me to their buddy list. I went back home and got online and they were online. I just subconciously was looking through my buddy list and wondered why they weren't there. The name had two words but all I remember was the first word, "Emotional."

1:37pm: I have a habit of sleeping through my 9am Bio class. Hm. I think I'll pass though :) I went through the rest of today looking for pot. No luck. Last year I could get anything. This year is a bunch of bullshit.But because today is Play Day, me and Kenny attempted to go sit through the play, but we couldn't so at intermission we left. Went to Moose with Lamar and Kenny. Now Im just watching some flicks online. So bored. I wonder what I used to do before Spring Break. Everything goes downhill after spring break. I bought a new pair of pants today. yay! white ufo's with silver straps :) i can't wait to wear them to the next party!

I get a little sketched out writing what I want to in here. There are some things that I dont need people to know, but in a way I do want them to know. Ah so complicated. I guess there's that option to make entries private. So ho hum ho hum I hope everything works out in my life. I just want to be happy and I want everyone else to be happy. Help me.

I finished watching a documentary on a man who is depresseed and suicidal. Its called Confessions of a Suicidal 2-D Freak. I think its helped me to understand myself and my feelings towards my own depression and my own suicidal tendencies. Why haven't I done myself out yet? Because when I get to the point that Im ready to do it, I think about the good things in life. With the bad things, you have to have the good things to balance it out. There are times when we have unequal balances between the good and bad resulting in depression or an excess of happiness. That's the key to getting over it. Put more good in your life than bad. It's easier said than done because Im having the hardest time doing just that. In the words of Jerry, "I will get by."

I found this article that says "How Sexy Is Your Name?" You go by the first letter of your first name...hehe here's mine

-N-

You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible.You are a flirt,yet once
committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual,and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

5:27pm: the poem isn't about anybody...i had an itch on my hand last night and it struck a creative chord

4:31am: Midnight Thoughts
It's 4am. I can't sleep. I layed down around 1:30 but CP woke me up. I think he was crying. Tossing and turning, I came up with this poem. I think this is the best poem I have ever written. I call it...

The Itch
Once upon a day
I had your love for me
In the palm of my hand
I kept it safe
So nobdoy would take it away
Every night
As I layed down to dream of you
I placed your love on the pillow next to mine
In the place
Where your head should have been
One day
I couldn't keep control of your love
And so it buried a tunnel
Right into my heart and soul
The palm of my hand began to itch
It itched with a desire for you
I knew I wasn't supposed to have
And I scratched and scratched
But it only made your love grow more
The tunnel dug deeper
Settling into my life
Becoming a part of it
And then you decided to take your love back
Stealing it like a theif in the night
And all that you left me
Was an empty tunnel
The path to a place that might have been
The itch of your love
Never goes away
Neither does the empty pillow I saved for you
I wanted to fill in the tunnel
So I tried filling it
With hate and anger
But all that would fit
Was confusion and longing for you
Since then the itch has gone away
But as suddenly as you left
You have returned once again
And I dont know if I should grab onto your love
And let it back into the same tunnel it once dwelled
Because I can feel the itch coming on again
Teasing and taunting me
With it's awful sensations
So this time
Im gonna let you hold my love
So it can burn a hole, a tunnel straight to your soul
And that the itch of my love
Stays with you
And that you will know exactly what I felt for you...
The end

i keep reading it over and over again. I love it so much! There is an open-mic karaoke, jazz, poetry night coming up this Monday. I would love to go to it and present this poem, but unfortunately I have my radio show. Speaking of which, I saw Danny today. I told him Jim was all for letting him spin live. Either this Monday or next Monday. I just tried findinng info on the open mic night thing. It's this Monday at 7pm but if Im gonna be hosting the live performance w/ Danny, I can't do it. I want to be at the station early enough to get things straight. i dont even know what Im going to be doing. There is, however, the annual Undergraduate Forum Night that Im going to get more info about. I know Rebecca did it last year with her poetry. How fun! Now that Im awake, I have shit to do. Nobody is online and Im bored, once again! God my nipples are sensitive this evening. I rub them in the slightest way and they perk up shouting "Im here! Yoo hoo look at the beautiful metal ring that you decided to poke through me!" Pass me the sleep please...

BRAR i started ragging today OH JOY you know it reminds me of the time I met Constance. It was freshman year and we were in Algebra class together. I remember I didnt like her at first. The National Honor Society thing used to give tours of the high school campus (why, I dont know it wasn't that big of a campus) to the middle schoolers. See, back then, when you were in 8th grade, the high school was such a big deal. Instead of having classes in one building, there were many buildings for you to go to, and memorizing which ones were which was such an overwhelming task. So they gave us tours to help us adjust to this new life we were about to uncover. It's kind of funny that I give tours of Radford. As a Freshman, i wanted to give a tour of our high school so bad but since my GPA didn't make it into the honor thing, I couldn't do it. Well, in Algebra class one day, a tour group passed by our window. The tour guide said that the class inside was an English class. Travis Wray (how i miss you little buddy!!) yelled out the window something funny about how this was an algebra class not english class. Constance had a tendency to repeat what people said. She repeated what Travis said. This was so absurd to me. I couldn't understand why in the world she would repeat what he said knowing we all heard him the first time. And that's what I told her. But one day constance needed some feminine protection since she was ragging. Thats how we met.

1:19am: You know a year ago today (well, technically yesterday since its 1am) i found LJ. that's pretty cool. That's all I want to say cause I dont feel well tonight.

3:20am: 3am and what the hell am I still doing awake?
Talking to an old friend that's what! Ian im-ed so and that was great. i don't know why, but i think the road ive been traveling on has reached the bottom of this peak and Im headed back up. That's cool and wonderful, cause once you get down as low as you can go, you can't go anywhere but up, but once you go as far up as you can go, there's nowhere to go but down...that's thinking too far ahead but its fucking true. some downs last a while (like the past 4 months) and some last a few minutes. same thing with the ups. and it's not mood swings either. im so unpredictable with my period i can't tell if ive been pmsing for 4 months or just utterly depressed. but now there are about 15 days until im out of Trinkle. But there's a lot more I still need to do in the next 15 days. Not just school and work, but I have 15 more days of living this 2nd year of college. You know, it's great to be alive. I fucking love it.

Yea i still need to get in touch with Danielle. Oh, and Pam. Pam is supposed to be moving down to Florida the 14th (what's today the 12th?) she wants to get together before then, but shit im here and she's back home. Hold on Im gonna leave her a message...ok done and done!

Im thinking of so much to put up in here, but I have to select what I want to remember and what I want to forget. Isnt' that sad? that's why im so concerned with details. I dont want to forget anything that's happened to me over the years. These are the days that are making me the Nicole Im gonna be in 50 years. If I really wanted to, I could stay here in this spot, typing up every thought that popped into my head. Most of it you would already have heard. Im mostly just trying to clear my head of clutter. I wish i had some pot. good god do i wish i had some pot. 4.20 is coming up soon and nobody is going to have money!! how fucking sad is that? i remember last years 4.20...there are some posts around that time. actually, thats when i first started livejournal. then i stopped until just a few months ago.

yea and it's 3am still so i guess im gonna try and sleep. dream away. dream of my Ryan O'Reilly...purrrrrrrrr

1:33pm: Moment of inspriation?
Possibly. I go on random tangents through my computer. I decided to look for random journals in LJ. I found some great ones, I found some bad ones, I found a really bad one Some guy was ramblin about how his b drive doesnt work and that's silly since he never uses his b drive anyway but now im ramblin about his ramblins making a big ramble so yea. I realize I have no summer clothes. a few shirts, tank tops, yes, but skirts and pants are about all i have. i cant wear jeans forever you know! so i guess I gotta start working out. get rid of this post-winter/"sophmore15" still-livin-in-the-dorms flab.
Adam wants me to get one of my friends that looks like him to give me their student id card so he can work out at dedmon. i said to him,
How do you know i have a friend that looks like you?
Adam: Do you?
Me: No.
Adam: Make a friend that looks like me!
So that's my mission for him. I also have to mail in an address change form for him because there is apparently no post offices in SHITcago. why do i have to? its all good though. im glad he asked me and not danielle. selfish, maybe..but he's my friend too and just cause you two are dating doesn't mean shit to me. oh im lying. i love you guys! im so happy for you two! which reminds me...call danielle.

i have about 40 minutes till i gotta go to the Adm office and give a tour. Im not all that excited about it, but it gets me outta this room. see, i spend about 99.6% of my day in this small 10x14 hellofa box. I wrote a poem about it. See, the poem talks about this dorm room then it finishes with a quote i came up with on 4.20.99 the day we all skipped school to smoke out. aahh, those were the days, man, im telling you!! god i can't wait till i get money so i can get cracked out on drugs again. is that something you really wish for? only me...

yea so im here waiting to give this tour of this fucking campus and i figured i had some time to waste and after reading random people journals with really good ideas id get my creative juices flowing again. I need to man. im not feeling at all motivated and imaginative lately. im such a lazy bitch!! oh my god! i finally kicked the habit of sleeping 16 hrs a day though. aren't ya proud? :) im trying to get back on a normal routine. i need to send that resume and application to the Tech bookstore so i have a chance at that job. What did you say? im a lazy bitch and probably won't do it?...yea...you're probably right.

called westlake looking for danielle and nancy picked up. she asked me if i was coming back this summer. HAHAH oh my don't make me die laughing at you nancy, you silly woman. don't you remember the bullshit of last summer? aahh, but what a wonderful summer it was. well...besides running off to VA beach when it was my birthday and not calling home scaring my parents into oblivious shock, getting tangled up in a web of coke, plus the "Daniel days" and dave's asshole raves about me living with joyce, yea it was great summer. its the life experiences that make us who we are, and give us opportunities to reflect back on those times and remember...hm...did i make sense?

adam told me that this summer was my time to 'reinvent myself.' wow he knows just how to help me, i love you adam. i love ya like my big bro, yo! whoo hoo! moose bell just rang quarter after 1 and im busting a vein for a cig. im ansy. i dont want to give this tour but, again, i need out of this room. i need to clean this room. i need to move out of this room. what's today? april 11? my dad will be 40 in 10 days. 19 days till the end of this month...i dont know why i care about that...only time will tell me when i can start moving out. my luck ill be so wrapped up in studying for exams and shit that ill be living here till the day school is over. may 3rd. you know, that's johns b-day. he'll be 22. holy god shit that's scary. i remember when he was 18. wait...that doesnt sound right...i knew him in sept of 99 so he was...SHIT i was wrong he was 19 going on 20. ya i was close. but adam is right this is the perfect time to reinvent myself. im starting from scratch (just about) like a new life. sort of. i still need a job though. i told Jim and Allison that i could work the station and do tours over summer break, but shit. do i really want to? (everyone scream YES) oh ok you're right again, subconscious, yes i do want to VOLUNTEER and not get paid for my time and effort of showing of this bullshit campus and sending bullshit radiowaves to millions of homes and computers. blah.

25 minutes and im rolling outta here. speaking of rolling i think im gonna do it next for mah b-day. you know, warm night air, fireworks, bring in my adulthood with a mindset of mdma ya sounds rocking.

now im ramblin for the sake of ramblin. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP wave to me if you see me around campus in a red RU shirt with a bunch of HS seniors!

8:37am: Im a lazy bitch!
Happy hump day! I have a tour today. blah. I have one this Saturday too. But, lets backtrack a second...Monday was DEFINTLY a Monday. I talked to Jim about letting me bring in live entertainment and he was all for it. Which reminds me I need to email Danny and tell him what's up. That nite nancy and julie were playing around with the webcam so I joined in. We had so much fun sleep wasn't an option. we did however get to sleep around 7am. it reminded me of the times when i used to meet people online and stay awake till all hours talking to them. its just not the same anymore. i had to go to work last night. there was a concert. i can never get a perfect show. there was one song that cut off on me. brar. my english paper has been moved to monday. all i need to do is finish printing out sources and then cite them correctly. i forgot mla and i dont have a book. oh yea and my collection of Oz is officially complete. now all i can do is serve. i need a haircut. hopefully with this next paycheck ill have extra cash to spend. eh. i can't wait to get out of debt.

3:47am: My friends left me to go out to the park. im straight so i dont get to join in. Adam just called me! Oh, how wonderful it was to talk to him! our original plans are back on. he's moving down the begining of june. I think that's great, but he is taking danielle away from me. but that's great too, because she deserves him. and she's my best friend. it's like im letting go.i guess im sort of jealous. i feel like a mom when i say that, but she's my girl, my BEST fucking friend i have ever had. im just scared because every 'best' friend i had growing up left me and now she's leaving me too, and again im alone. and that's why i say my purpose in life is too be here for people. some people have families, start new businesses, rule countries, and i am the person that supports them. i am their mentor. that's why i stop caring for myself and love everyone else.

. adam said he was thinking about all the walks we went on when he read my letter. i guess my memories were mailed with my words. i love him dearly. im glad i answered the phone. im glad i wasn't sleeping. me and him have that kind of connection, you know? 3 weeks and im out of this shit hole and soon he will be passing through my life again. maybe i won't be so alone this summer after all. its me and him for a month till danielle gets there. adam told me to stop being picky and get laid already. yea, he's right. i need too

11:29pm: The Raver 3 is no more...
At least that's the way I feel. It's more of a Raver 2. I dont feel like I belong anymore. I dont belong anywhere! I think i love my friends too much and they don't care. they dont fucking care about me. I dont share anything with them anymore.

i need to talk to mom about putting me on anti-depressants. I dont know how many times a day i think about suicide. As much as I want the summer to come, I know that when it does, im going to be alone again. I have to start over. That's the hardest part for me-to meet new people and establish relationships. im so terrible with it. Maybe this is a calling out for help, maybe it's just another low, but I've been down this whole year! I am so sick of living with myself and feeling this way i really want to end it all. if nobody cares about me in their life, why am i wasting their time? why am i taking away from them being themselves?

School isn't my problem anymore. It's this bullshit dorm life and the people in it. It's not having a job to keep me busy, not having money. Im constantly worried about surviving, but why? fuck it i wanna die. it's so wierd because the more i think about it, the more i realize that today, tonight, could be the last day im alive. I look around my room and see everything I have, yet I have nothing.

Aw, thanks Marc for talking to me. You take my mind off of my problems with yours :) hehe

i like these times when I get revelations-FUCK IT im gonna live, i will be here tomarrow. if they dont want to be the kind of friend i need, then what can i do? i know that they dont mean to be the way they are, and i know they dont realize how i feel and i dont have anything to confront them with. what can i say? 'hey you aren't being a friend to me' no that's stupid. so ill live the next 3 weeks and see how they treat me.

but im still alone and i always will be

3:34am: One More Saturday Night
Mom, Lindsay, Stephen and Walter, Stephen's friend, came down to see me today. I always love seeing my mom. She gave me a lot of dishes, containers, a blanket, my Hawaiian decorations, and my wood sculpture I've been working on since Senior year. There's something I look forward to doing this summer. We went out to lunch at Macadoo's then to Kmart. You know they're closing out! They have a bunch of furniture and cabinets that I really need. Next paycheck I figure Ill have about $60 to spend. I just hope they are still open when that time comes.

Last night me, Kenny, Nancy, and Katie went out to 'Club Attitudes" (haha) for the dnb/breakbeat/house-prog.house nite. It was alright. VERY clubbish. I had fun nonetheless.

I finsihed my English paper. Rough draft at least. Im glad that much is done though. It's all editing from here on out and I can handle that. :)

Eric IMed me today with 'sex?' Um, I don't know if he thinks I'm gonna run to him everytime he's in town but he's wrong. YOU AND ME ARE NO MORE. Is he trying to get me excited? Does he think Im gonna hang on to his every word, tell him how I miss what we had, I wish I could see him again BULLSHIT? nah get the FUCK over yourself I feel sick now that I realize he was the last person i fucked.

my eyesight is getting so much worse. Maybe if I make enough $ this summa I can afford contacts. not now.

Lindsay told me that Cameron was at Westlake Friday nite. Kind of wierd he decides to show up there after I've quit and gone. She said he was there with some girl and one of thier parents. She also told me that he kept staring her down everytime she came out of the kitchen. Poor Amy-she was thier waitress. Mom said that her and Dad were going to go there. Funny, all the people that would have the never to say anything to him wasn't there (me, mom, dad, danielle). You lucky bastards thank your stars and start counting your days because you lucked out this time. Next time I see you I will kill you. That is one promise mother fucker, the only promise that I will keep for you.

BRAR! I wish I had some tequilla. Everyone but me went out tonight. Eh. Another nite in for me. Like I care. Like anyone else cares.

I cleaned the entire room today because mom was coming down. Geesh it took me a while. Apparently my ID card fell out sometime Friday cause Joe the RA found it in front of Peery and called me this morning. It happens.

Im hanging on to nothing
My senses disappearing beneath a layer of discomfort
Trust, harmony, and peace
coexist with
Chaos, affliction, and hurt
My world
Torn apart by my own distress
Patched up with this, my facade

11:33am: Yes...well...
It's Friday! Yippee! Mom isn't coming down today. She might be down tomarrow if H &R; doesn't need her slave labor. Sunday is a possiblity too. I told her to bring Stephen so I can take him to the climbing wall. Oh, how much fun he's had on that.

The Apartment is coming up fast. I still need to talk to Danielle and see what's up with her. I hope her and Adam resolved that 'problem.' I need the money! She has a few weeks left, but not too much longer. I searched for jobs last night. I found a couple that seemed alright. Id rather interview without a drug screening, but a lot more companies than I thought are requiring that bullshit. please...

So I had a dream last night that i was living with G&G; W. but I had my own little section of the house. And the whole outside beyond the house was construction, sort of like the construction I saw on campus. But I let gram and gramp borrow my car and they came back with it smashed up and fucking blown up again. i was upset. but i had all of my friends in my dream! We had this little room where we'd go and smoke up, there were 3 levels, my seat on the top level, and they were so soft. I think the entire room was made out of blankets and pillows. (ooh, you know me and my pillows!!) Because of this, I slept through (more like I CHOSE to) my Biology class. blah whatever. I know what I have to do.

This modem pool thing that Im going to have to resort to isn't what I had in mind for Internet connection. I cant' be on for more than 10 hours/day, 4 hours at a time, kicked off after 16 minutes of idleness. bullshit, i tell ya!

I wish I had money to do laundry. Apparently G&G; Mollen are bringing down a BUNCH of shit for me! all for me! yes! more furninture too cause they dont want me to sit on blow up furniture all the time. hehe, oh but i like my blow ups! :-)

no interesting thoughts, no witty comments today. im not in the creative mind anymore. it makes me sad to think, but im too focused with bullshit school and my little 'ole apartment that i dont have that creative edge anymore. for shame.

3:29am: Im here.
I can't finish typing about that dream. Maybe later. right now i can't put the feeling into words. i read his journal and it said he wishes that every relationship he's had would have worked out. you know if the first one had worked out, he wouldnt have had the 2nd, or 3rd...or me. and i wish that it could have worked out too. i cant say it never will, because im still alive and im still here. i can't say what i would do if the situation came up again-i dont know. in some respects, he could have made things work out if he wanted to. and that's the sad part. as much as we dont want to regret things, we do. and i see that. and it makes me feel so sad and wrong and guilty. was there something i could have done? will i ever get to do something that's right, for once, in my life and in someone elses'. i dont know man. im a little tired of this happening everytime. as lonely as i am i know i am better off being alone. it hurts to be alone, it hurts my heart, it hurts my brain, it hurts my god damn soul. and what can i do but wait for god to bless me.

my world is looking up though. besides my debt and lonliness, im pretty damn happy. its summertime, the worst and best time of the year.

i dont know everyone that reads this, and it's probably best, but if i had one thing to say about myself and my existance...Don't hold your feelings inside.

11:26pm: I keep waiting her for you Hope you'll come through
You don't know me
Think you can judge me
Budge me rape me
Love me.
You wait for me to
Just believe you
Like all the times before
I was young then
Ask for it agian
I feel the sweat in my eyes
How could you treat me
Just like a child when
I couldn't even realize.
Do you lov eme
Do you need me
Maybe someday
Do you please me
So I'll please you
Don't drag me
Don't you drag me down
Now I know you
Think that I love you
Trust you want you
Don't you
You want me to
Be free to
Say anything on my mind
I can't understand
Why another [woman]
Wouldn't leave you alone
Maybe they don't
See what I see
I hope you're left on your own

10:44am: Yes I must tell this dream before it escapes me. There were (I think) 4 parts to it. First, I was going to Prom with someone. all I remember is getting in the car and we backed out into the middle of the road right next to this very sharp corner where a car could be flying around any second. We drove off into the sunset over a brightly lit city. sounds wonderful don't it? yea well the next part is where I was waiting for the Trinkle elevator. I get in and push 3, the doors shut and then im surrounded by people. and we're not in an elevator inside, but an observation balloon/elevator thing on the side of Muse. Which really isn't Muse, it's more like the World Trade Center with its 100+ stories. Me, scared of heights any taller than I can jump safely, held on for dear life. Because, you must know, Ive had this dream before. Not the same dream with the course of events, but i've been in that observation elevator thing. so there's this old couple and a few other people as well as a guide who looks like the Wizard of Oz when they're still in Kansas. You know, the fortune teller guy. And he's wearing all green. And, of course, we're going all the way to the top-to sit on the top of the fucking building then climb the stairs back down. And...it's raining and about to thunderstorm. As we're making our way up the building, I see a plane. (this in NO WAY reflects sept. 11-same dream happened before sept.11-does it mean something?) and i told everyone-"shit, there's a plane! Don't you know what that means? and everyone smiled and said "yes of course." and they smiled and waited for the plane to pass beside us, because, you see, when that plane passes us, that fucking balloon/elevator gets caught up in a whirlwind and blows everywhere. This elevator isn't exactly connected to the Muse/WTC building, more like its ORBITING the building but can still get off course. so the plane goes by and I freak the fuck out. Im so terrified-it's dead of night, storming, im afriad of heights, in a glass elevator. My dreams are so fucking vivid-I saw the city rise beneath me as we began our decent. Im still shaking now as I retell this. I think if I had fallen out of that elevator in my sleep, I wouldn't be here to tell it.

Im gonna finish off my story when I get back from class....

11:10am: They know what is what but they don't know what is what they just strut what the fuck?
You know, I really enjoy playing mirc. I told tim that and he laughed! he said 'mirc...a game...yea i can see that.' i explained to him that, to me, it is like a game. I go into these rooms and find certain people who have the right file that i want. Then I collect them all and let people take them from me. It's a whole cycle, it's fun really. I remember I d/l it back when we first got a computer. I didn't know what the hell I was doing. I thought it was just a chat room place to meet people. Thats all I really did on the internet. i met people, and a lot of them. I've gone through several names too. hehe it's funny i could name them off: elocin7482, ecdftneve6, sk8trgrl (hehe that's a strange one), niccicola! yay. hm, and i've always kept the same password for everything. ssh don't tell anyone! :-D

Back to mirc, I think it's great how i've moved up in the world of oz-central. ok, i made some connections in this room with people who are willing to fill the holes in my collection. What do I do when Im done? Im not looking for those files anymore. I think I might just stay connected all the time and let people leech off of my system. hm. :) Maybe ill make it to OP hehe. ok im being a little too silly now...

tim got me high. he helped me get my paper started. yay tim thanks buddy :P so he was going to cut his hair but things fell through. maybe today. mom called me yesterday. they gave Indica to aunt margaret. :( my poor kity! well, adams'/danielles'/mine. Ill get her back!

Oh my goodness! do you know what today is? One month 30 days till i get outta here! yes im happy :) each day the comes closer, i get more anxious and so nervous. this is my stepping stone. im gonna be 20 this summer in mah place living on my own. damn i remember when i was little, dreaming about these days, and now they are here. it's so fucked up. life goes by so fast it seems. this last month is gonna pass me like it was a moment in time. brar! :/ pray for me

i bought a pack of cigarettes yesterday. i bought tim one too. i was feeling nice

I finished half of my English paper around 3 am. Oh goodness i didnt get to sleep until 5 and i was so scared i was going to sleep through my 9am so i set my alarm (the first time in years) but i didn't sleep any. maybe 20 minutes at a time. i hope that i dont develop a wierd sleep habit after all the 18 hour sleeps ive been having. hehe what can i say, sometimes my dreams are better than my reality...

'You're never gonna get rid of drugs until you get rid of pain.' heard it on an Oz ep. Ah what else is going on in this, my life? 20 days!! (think about it) I have $10.58 in my checking account. i get paid next on april 23 and may 21st. april's paycheck I'll pay some of my credit card, cell phone, and then buy things for the apartment. i need to get cleaning supplies. i have no furniture either. i might go to wal mart and get a table. i want to get some furniture from the dav & goodwill but i think that might be too expensive. wal mart has the tables you can put together yourself. kinda cheap but im defintly a poor college student. may's paycheck ill pay credit card, cell phone (almost the last one-contract is up in June and im getting rid of it!) and more apt. stuff. i think may 1st weekend when everyone comes to visit, they'll buy me food and things. hm i could use some gift cards hehe I am scared but at the same time Im not worried. I can only have positive feelings about it. Oh yea, danielle owes me $90. Whenever the fuck she gets back from Shitcago she'll send it. I dont expect it until late next week. Fuck that. hey i have to put a deposit down on my utility account/contract/thing. in 2 weeks i have to do that. fuck. after i get my paycheck i'll do that.

Alright, well I just called the Utility office and I have to put down a $189 deposit. Danielle owes me $90 from before plus $95 for this. that's $189, so that money ill just pay all to the utility department. hey i dont know if she will give me all that money at one time. well i have to get it before april 25th, so it's still a few weeks away. man i get so confused with all this shit, you know? it's hard to keep everything together with due dates, deadlines, money, days, months. let's add on school, work, my thoughts and emotional roller coasters i go through...yea it's all a big swirling vortex

1:27am: No longer a one-way love affair? LOL
Ugh, i just read one of the most saddest things. A journal entry about me, the first ive ever read. i just dont understand him. i want there to be something, i want it to happen, but it doesn't look like it will. but then something like this happens. oh my god i want to cry out of frustration but at the same time for happiness. if he wanted me to be there, he should have talked to me about it...he's online right now too! so why don't we talk? you know, i hope he reads this. i hope he reads every entry about him and gets it through his head what i think about him. then again, i did write some pretty mean stuff. hey, i was upset! forgive me? my time is coming near, i can feel it...although it just might be that anniversary (did i post that already?) my one message to him is this:

If you still care, talk to me. make some effort. :) if you're gonna be in the area in a few weeks, you should let me know. hey...i might be in my apartment then...oh goodness...hehe

11:22pm: Hey, yeah, it's me again. Im searching through random lj's and its strange how so many people are similiar to myself. ive got the information and outline done for my english paper, i just dont want to write it. today i did nothing but sit around and smoke the e-joint that i was gonna save. yea i jsut couldn't wait though. i got pizza and cinnastix from dominos tonight. mmm. i wanted to watch a movie with the pizza but nothing is on. i think i might take a shower and shave again cause im so bored. brar! i need to figure out what shit ive got going on this week. im trying to meet up with my nurs group, but they haven't emailed me back. our presentation is this thursday. we need to meet soon...my daisies are still coming up. no blooming yet. i should call mom and dad tomarrow and say happy easter. oh goodness...one month left till im out of this hell hole. i just hope i can make all the payments. i went into a nervous breakdown today when i thought i had bounced my check book. word to the wise: dont' balance your check book when you're high.

so blah-im bored. i dont want to do work! im listening to some live trance from Castle Trancelott-hehe, that's so silly! trancelott! wow i still have a few hits in me Wizard

i remember some nights early last semester i would walk to 7-11 and hang out at the fountain, walk around. i quit smoking but id like some cigarettes. im debating whether or not to go.

i got a cigarette from Jennifer. life is good. (despite the fact that it is a camel light...hey i cant complain at least it's a light)

god i almost want to go to sleep again..i woke up around 12:00 today and went back to sleep from 3-5..something like that. kenny's probably out dancing now at his favorite little venue :) yay kenny! i wonder if they are going to The Park again sunday. they invited shelly to go last weekend. uh..yea and what about me, folks? that's alright-i dont want to go anyway, but an invite is always nice...

i dont have many deep thoughts anymore...oh god my sleep is draining them all away!

1:15pm: Im moving up in the world of mirc
Alright guys-Im so proud of myself! I met this kid last night who told me about mirc and what i needed to know. so i got the program and i set up my own trigger and people are using it. that's cool. secretly, i wanted to see if they ops would promote me up to the +niccicola status. yay! they did! hehe this makes my day!