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to where you are - josh groban |
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i feel beautiful right now. just that sorta feeling that comes from time to time, and you wish there was someone there to see you. the way you feel you glow right now. very odd.
im not beautiful. not like i feel right now.
neither inside, nor outside. but sometimes.. sometimes my ego is too much - and then there are times i feel so ugly, so disgusting, there really aren't words for the way that feels, when i want to rip off my face, cut myself till there is no flesh left. i wish there was a balance. a happy medium. where i could stand myself, even love myself. or something.
but i am a beautiful person. except for the parts i have made ugly, or have allowed to stay ugly. and its just learning to see the parts i've made ugly, and see some beauty, even if its in the pain, or the way i've survived, or the person it's allowed me to become, or am becoming. if i can turn that into something positive, something. somehow. even if i don't believe it. but im not sure how to do that. im not. its there everytime i open my eyes, every time i stand naked, open. every time. and they aren't going to go away. and its ugly - perhaps i need to find away to seperate it from who i am. but then its all apart of who i am, so i suppose that may not be possible.. maybe who i am now, then. i just need to find some justification to it. theres so much still that i need to work out. so many things that i need to do for myself.
learning to control myself, would be the first. learning to deal with myself, the most important. still so much. so many things, towards healing, towards loving me. if not just being happy with me, with life - i feel im on the road there, each time i can say no. each time i can speak whats on my mind. each night i fight through the loneliness and pain. each time i deal with the flashbacks, or the reminders.. every day. a step closer, a bit stronger. its taking steps forward, that i was afraid i couldn't take. every day. every single day.
im a good person. i think. sometimes i have to tell myself that. sometimes i feel it. i question it. when i feel unworthy, when i feel a slap in the face. when i feel rejected, when im questioned in my beliefs, when told what to do - even though i believe i'm on the right track - when they laugh, when they knock me down, with their words, their actions. when they see things in me i've never seen before, good or bad. mostly bad. when the look at me, and shake their heads.. when they call me names, when they.. when they... i question it so many times in a day, maybe im a terrible person, maybe im not. maybe i don't know. maybe its not fair that i allow THEM to decide if im a good person or not. them being every other person in the world.
i have a belief. i live by it, when living with others. if that person can look themselves in the mirror at night, in the morning, and feel ok about themselves, they must be doing ok - even if they are doing things that i disapprove of. so how come i can't hold the same for me. but then. when i look at myself in the mirror. its one of the two, either i love what i see, or i want to rip through me. &yet.; more and more i'm feeling ok about myself. i want that self confidence, once you taste it, you don't want to let it go.
im learning. so slowly.
theres still soo much. i want to make myself a beautiful person, for him. for me. so that i can feel loved - so it doesn't feel so terrible - to be loved. so it doesn't hurt each time i hear it. if i was beautiful, i could be loved and that would be ok with me, because most days, being loved isn't ok. i'd rather be hated. i still have this strong need to be disliked, to be tossed aside. to be seen as worthless, a waste of time, esp when in any kind of relationship. i have a difficult time dealing with that..
and trust, but that all ties into the fact that in trusting them, i would have to believe that they may really love me, and then i have to believe i'm worthwhile, and its complicated. someone should throw their views in. its times like this i was still seeing Amy on a weekly basis, ya know, she would help me solve this, if not at least give me the tools, and the questions to help me see, to solve it. to learn. its been a year since i've seen her. if only i had graduated. right?
i feel overwhelmed by everything that i just spit out. truly, utterly overwhelmed. sometimes its difficult to figure things out. to have them written down - because. its even harded to act on them, to learn.
did i untie the knots, or make the knot bigger? i dont know.
im in love. so in love. with love itself. maybe.
i swear to goodness, chris could have slapped me in the face tonight - it would have been easier. i've never felt so rejected like that. i feel better after he explained, well maybe not, honeslty- but ok. paranoid? a bit. (which i think i just completely made a hypocrite of myself )
&i; fight tears, the kind that say i'm really going crazy, losing when i think im winning. i can't stop laughing. and if i stopped, i would cry.
now my eyes are killing me. whoa. instant sleepiness. too bad i need to feed my critters before i head off to sleep.
i wish this baby kitty wasn't ill, i would take him and sleep with him. i love the way kittens sleep with you. i remember ryan sleeping with me. and alien. monkey butt.
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contemplative
hopeful
crushed
indifferent
sick
thankful
restless
sleepy