FINALLY! Written for the Choose Your Author Ficathon. For Author #32 (whose name I do not know). Requests" Oz and Vamp!Harmony - doesn't need to ship, any season of either show (post S3 BtVS, naturally) References to Dingoes Ate My Baby, nailpolish, french fries. Oz can not be vampire, can not be killed.

Summary - Oz and Harmony meet in the most unexpected of places and quickly find themselves in the most unlikely of circumstances. Humor, rated PG.

Of All The Werewolves In All The World...

The bar is crowded and filled with smoke that tickles at my wolfish senses. Normally I avoid places like this since leaving Sunnydale; too much confusion and too many overwhelming smells, and people by the score. But I heard about this place from a dryad I ran into a few days back, and she said there was a teacher that came here sometimes that could help me figure a few more things about my wolf-self.

I feel like Luke Skywalker searching for Ben Kenobi in the Star Wars cantina.

( Read more... )


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Notes: This has been the hardest story I've ever had to write. These characters do not play well together, and mostly, they're made to play off of other, MAIN characters. Oz is stoic, quiet and cerebral when he does speak, and Harmony is a babbling bimbo with not much of import to say, so any way you try to come at this (what SEEMS to have the potential to be the funniest story ever) it just doesn't work. My first few efforts fell completely flat and weren't funny at all. So, while I'm not thrilled by this and wouldn't call it anywhere near some of my best work, I'm happier with it than anything else I've come up with. I hope some of you at least got a few chuckles out of it.

Current Mood: relieved

With only 11 days left til the due date for fics, I've had two people drop out. So what I need to know is if anyone wants to swoop in and write these stories. One is set in the future, during-apocalypse style, and the other one, well, I'm waiting for confirmation of which story it is. Anyone interested in writing about an original Slayer? You don't even have to be part of the thon to pick up one of these stories. If anyone's interested, drop me a comment here. I'm also going to send out an email to everyone in the ficathon a little bit later.

Personally, I'm trying to finish this horrific Oz/Vamp Harmony fic that's been plaguing me for a month now before beginning my own ToS fic. I'm beginning to think it may just be beyond my ability to write two supporting characters who pretty much have little to say to each other. I'm gonna give it another shot today.

Current Mood: busy

Guh. I have so many things to update with and seemingly no time to write them all. I guess I'll catch up on the important stuff soon. Good thing Dom has been updating with all the stuff. Website work is keeping me busy at home, between that, the kids, the house, spending time with Peter, and squeezing in the occasional fic, time has been scarce. So today, I shall stick to the important facts, I think.

For those of you who are new to my journal (and there are a couple of you), welcome to my life! I'm married to the love of my life who I've been with for five years now. We raise his three children who live with us full-time, and have a very happy and full life. Recently (the last few months) we have become part of a polyamorous relationship. My husband has a girlfriend, and I, until just a few days ago, had a boyfriend. Now that you're all up to date...

For those who don't know, Andrew and I have parted ways. He's still a great guy, but I think we want different things out of life right now. He needs to figure out what he wants, get his priorities straight and such. Also, we seem to suffer from communication breakdown whenever anything gets complicated, and I just can't deal with not being able to communicate clearly. It's sad and it's a shame, but I do think it's probably going to work out happier and healthier for both of us in the long run. I feel bad for him more than for myself since he seems to think he has failed somehow. It's not really failure so much as sometimes things just don't work out, and in terms of people and relationships, that tends to happen a lot. I still care about him and we will remain good friends I hope, but I'm at a point in my life where I don't have the time or the inclination to deal long term with these kinds of complications. I have too much to deal with as it is.

Anyway, the whisperings I hear happening now are that everything is "one-sided" in terms of Dom and Nickie and that things will now deteriorate between Dom and I. I feel it's almost high-schoolish to address this, as if I have to refute rumors and such, but really, the reason I want to communicate on this topic is because I really hate it when people misunderstand things--and you can't know what's going on in my head if I don't TELL you, right?

I faced this demon a while back, guys. I decided a while ago that if things didn't work out with Andrew (when I was seeing that they might not), then that didn't mean Nickie had to go away. We have been a triad for the most part for quite a while now. Nickie lives right down the street and has transportation; Andrew lives 25 minutes away and has none. This means a good portion of my time has been spent with Dom and Nickie rather than all four of us. Nickie has been here every day and every single night barring the occasional night she goes out with friends, which isn't often. I had been seeing Andrew one day a week in the last couple of weeks to a month, and slightly more often before that. So really, there's not much difference at all.

Also, being that I think about everything all the time, I considered, before breaking things off with Andrew, that this indeed would bring us to a triad and wondered if it would create any imbalances or problems for me, which is what brought me to the conclusions above. I don't do anything without considering carefully all the angles first. Granted, there are sometimes angles that can't be seen until you're well into whatever it is you've decided to try, but you do as much pre-consideration and decision making as possible and then if it seems right, deal with the variables as you go.

This whole poly thing is not completely new to me. Years ago, when I was living with Ash (my last boyfriend before meeting Dom), I was involved in an online relationship at the same time. I spent a good deal of time with both of them, and both were each aware of the other. I was committed to both, and when the relationships ended it had nothing to do with the other relationship. Ash and I just weren't ultimately compatible people and we split after a year and a half. My online relationship lasted for three years and ended when he decided to settle in with someone one-on-one in real life. A bit of a different situation, but it follows along the same lines. I feel a lot of people think Dom is manipulating this situation, perhaps, in fact, manipulating me, or at the very least that he is mistreating or mishandling me. Well, I was wild, crazy and nonconventional well before I met Dom. In fact, said craziness frightened Dom at the outset of our relationship. Had I had it my way and my online relationship hadn't ended because of his committment to someone else, I would have continued that relationship while with Dom.

And just as Dom and I's relationship is not all about sex, neither are any of the other relationships I'm talking about here. We're talking emotional involvement, committment, a sharing of each others daily lives. I want to make that clear before going on to say that I have never been a completely monogamous person at heart. Not just sexually, but emotionally. I'm well experienced with knowing how it feels loving two people at the same time. It's not loving either better, or more, it's just different. I don't NEED it, of course, could live forever without it, but if it feels natural to me and if I don't have to live without it, then why should I? Why should Dom? That doesn't mean I haven't had emotional issues with this particular situation--clearly I have. But it does mean that I do understand that this sort of love is possible and that my concerns about it are more personal than practical. They have been worry for what I might lose or that I might have "less", to be specific. And the more time that has passed, the more I see I needn't have ever worried about it. Things between Dom and I are as great as ever, and Nickie is not only more like me than any other girl I've ever met, but she's also one of the best friends I have ever had. This is a triad--not two couples that both include Dom.

With regard to myself, I think that I won't be seeking out another second relationship. Extra is nice, but not necessary, and seeking a relationship generally ends like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. That doesn't mean I won't have lovers from time to time, or that any of us won't, but I'm not committing to anyone else until I've given things plenty of time to see how it all works. There could be someone out there that could add to our lives. Ideally, that someone would be a person Nickie and I could both love and enjoy so that the balance is even on all sides. That would be perfect. But perfection isn't likely to come galloping along in the next few weeks, months or years, if ever. Which is also fine.

I'm not lacking anything, I'm not unhappy. In fact, I feel very happy and fulfilled. And that has as much to do with me as it does with Dom and Nickie. If any leg in this relationship is weak and going to give, it's Nickie, and she seems to be dealing perfectly fine. Dom and I are never going to split, and if it came down to it and I demanded that she go, then she would. Probably of her own accord. She cares about how I feel and is sensitive to it. Otherwise she wouldn't still be here. If she DIDN'T care about my happiness, not only would I not want her around, neither would Dom. It just wouldn't work, otherwise. It ALL has to work on ALL sides, or else there's no doing it.

Quite honestly? I'm happier than ever :) And I'll tell you more about that and myself in the next post. For now I've got to get ready to go out to dinner with Dom. We're celebrating our five year anniversary at Outback and then going out somewhere. Haven't decided where, yet, but Nickie's gonna watch the kids for us so we can have time.

And people think we're dysfunctional ;)

Current Mood: busy

For those who don't know, this is my Faithfic project: a series of vignettes showcasing brief, formative moments in Faith's life pre-Slayer to post-Chosen. Previous Parts can be found here.

This brief chapter is a continuation of Chapter 7: Catch.

Snapshots 8: Grab

The next night, she's at Johnny's house, and Ronnie's there with Jenny-fucking-Preston, uptight, preppy, vapid girl who's all boobs and no substance. Faith spends half the evening glaring daggers at them, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes in one corner of the living room.

Ronnie's got one arm slung around Jenny's shoulders as if it's the most natural thing in the world, as if last night never happened, as if the whole relationship never happened, and Faith feels rage build inside her until it threatens to boil over. She throws herself from the corner chair and heads for the door, letting her beer bottle fall into the trashcan with the loud sound of brittle glass breaking.

She turns, and there's a guy standing there with a little smile playing around the corners of his thin lips, blue eyes touched with just a hint of amusement.

"You need a ride?"

She stops, folds her arms over her chest and looks the guy up and down. "I can walk."

"Good, 'cause I don't have a car anyway."

It catches her off-guard, and she can feel herself relax suddenly as laughter bubbles up from her chest, unbidden.

"What's your name?"

"Steve."

She tosses her hair back, using the motion to glance at Ronnie over her shoulder. He's watching. That alone would be enough, but this guy's pretty cute, and kinda funny, to boot.

"Well, Steve, you interested in going to a more private party?"

"Sure you don't already have a date?" he asks with a speculative glance at Ronnie.

She feels her chest tighten with anger, a dozen emotions spiraling up inside her, and shoves them back down. Collected again, she gives Steve a cool smile and shrugs. "Looks like I'm free."

Steve grins and she throws an arm around him and leans in, hamming up her words and laughter as they walk out the door.

She doesn't bother to look back again.

Current Mood: determined

Written for the Whedonverse AU Ficathon for hollowxstar. ( Specific requests here )

Summary - A human Buffy and Angel find love and happiness only to discover that a normal life can have its own terrible consequences. AU, PG-13, Romance/Tragedy.

Painting Dreams With Time

Current Mood: happy

Saturday we got up early, and me, Dom, Nickie, Peter, Liana and the kids all metro'd in to DC to go see the new World War II Memorial. The kids decided to pick up on my recent trend of wearing bandana's on my head when I don't do my hair, so all three of them were wearing those (tied around in a triangle to cover the whole head and hang down in the back) and sunglasses and looked like little thugs, which was funny. On the metro ride I was putting on my make-up and Soleil asked if I would put eyeliner on her, so I referred her to her dad, who's a pro at putting on eyeliner, especially on other people. Which resulted in all the children wanting eyeliner, which Dom patiently applied to all of them, including Cyrus--he'd already done his own. Between that and Dom occasionally kissing both me and Nickie, we got a lot of strange looks that endlessly amused me.

We got off at the Smithsonian stop and came out, and I was immediately overcome with the urge to spend the entire day wandering in and out of museums. I absolutely love the Museum of Natural history and haven't been there in quite a few years. Dom and the kids played soccer the whole way across the mall while we walked, and the weather was overcast, slightly cool and pretty much perfect. The monument was beautiful and amazing, really artfully designed. Completely made out of gray and black flecked marble polished to a high shine, it forms and oval with square pillars all around the outside. In the center is a huge fountain area, and at the top and bottom of the oval are entryways with roofs overhead, named Pacific and Atlantic, with smaller impressive fountains beneath.

We took our time walking around the whole thing, looking at everything, all the carvings and the quotes. There was a Park Ranger telling the significance of all the different things and their meanings, which I found really fascinating. On each pillar, the name of each state is engraved and is arranged in the seating arrangement of a formal banquet, in in the order that they ratified the constitution and joined the union. There are also several other countries included that joined in to help the US included in the arrangement. Also on each pillar, above the state name, there is a wreath that has wheat on one side and oak on the other (outside). According to the Ranger, the wheat represents the giving of food from each state, and the oak represents personal strength as well as military strength. At the head of the "banquet" there was a pool with no fountains, completely still in front of a half circle wall with many small bronze stars set into it. The pool reflects the stars, especially at night when they are lit from underneath by lights inside the pool. According to the Ranger, there were 4048 stars, and each one represents 100 American deaths. The reflection in the pool is supposed to represent the separation of the dead and the living, and it faces the National Monument which represents the Commander in Chief. The opposite side is open, the main entryway into the War monument, so you have a perfect view of the monument across the mall.

While walking around, Liana and I stopped to look at one particular floral arrangement, which named a battle at Guadacanal, which of course, being uninterested in history for the most part, I was unfamiliar with. I wondered about it out loud (as I often do), and an older man stepped up behind us and started telling me about the battle. Apparently it was one of the worst in the war, but he said it wasn't the worst. I asked which was the worst, and he said in World War II it was probably some battle which took place in Japan, I think. I can't remember the name, if anyone knows, please comment. But he added that the worst was the one he was in, which was Vietnam. Turns out, he was there with his Squad Leader, fellow soldier and the guy who used to run the tunnels. They told us some interesting things, and I was very engaged by them. They were all really funny and charismatic guys, with great attitudes for people who have been through such trauma together. I thought it was awesome that they were still friends, and that they'd all come there that day to go to the Vietnam Memorial, which turned out to be partially closed that day due to sidewalk repair. So they'd ended up at the World War II memorial. We talked with them for a good ten minutes or so before we went our separate ways. I should really talk to strangers more, I always learn something new and interesting.

One last bit of trivia: Dom asked the Ranger if there was anything about the monument worth remarking on that no one knew about, or ever asked about. The Ranger said that on the back of the pump house for the fountains, there is an image of "Kilroy", which was very popular and had meaning among veterans from that war, and was painted and written on much of the equipment and places. We went around back on the outside to see it when we left, and there it was, indeed, carved into the shiny marble with the words "Kilroy was here" next to it. It was in an unobtrusive place, and if no one told you about it or showed it to you, it would be sort of difficult to stumble across. While looking at it, another Ranger walked up and showed a vet (I assume he was by his age, which had to be between 75-85), who was tickled pink to see it, laughed aloud in a remembering way, and told his wife about Kilroy, and how great it was that they'd added it.

All in all I was very intrigued, interested and even touched, which I hadn't expected to be. I find war to be a terrible thing, something not worth dwelling on or building monuments to, but this was in memory of those who were part of it, the dead and the ones who sacrificed, not so much about the glory. There were 8 or so bouquets or arrangements of flowers in front of certain battle names or states, many of them with pictures of dead loved ones and notes to them or in their memory. I read each one, curious, and was very touched. Before we left I put a bouquet of dandelions that Cira had given me earlier down in front of the still pool with the stars. I got a lot of odd looks for that, which kind of pleased me and I hope made the people who saw me think a little. Who says you have to have to have lost someone or buy professionally arranged flowers to honor the dead? Anyway, I came away with a great appreciation for those who fought, those who lived through the war and died in it, even though I still think war is a stupid, ugly thing as whole. When you break it down to the individuals who were involved, it really takes on a different kind of meaning.

I had a really great time, and the experience spurred me to tell Dom and Nickie that we need to schedule more outings to DC, maybe once a month to just go and experience the sites and memorials and museums. It's all free, too! Except for the Holocaust Museum, I believe, which I do want to go visit sometime soon. Having lived around DC all my life I sometimes forget or become immune to all the neat and educational things they have there. I'm really looking forward to visiting some old places and experiencing a whole lot of new ones.

Current Mood: energetic

Yesterday was Dom and I's official five year anniversary. So what'd we do? We forgot. Around 9:30pm, on our way back from finally seeing Spiderman 2, Peter wished us a happy anniversary, which resulted in momentary silence and then me asking stupidly if it was the 15th. Very funny that our friend from Belgium remembered our anniversary and we didn't. We might go do something later this week, have dinner or something. We're not really pressed about the actual day. Besides, I've been saying we've been together for "five years" for the last six months.

Spiderman

Spiderman 2 was fucking AWESOME! I was severely impressed. They managed to combine every genre into a meaningful whole; angst, tragedy, romance, horror, comedy, drama, and action sequences that were just amazing. They even got in a moment of pure cheese. Usually movies that try to be everything end up a meaningless mess, but this was perfect. One of the most perfectly executed movies I've ever seen. Way, WAY better than the first one. In fact, it leaves the first one in the dust. But I guess they had to do quite a bit of setup to get the story going, which is what the first movie really is.

( Specifics of what I loved--spoilers behind cut )

There's more, a lot more, but I'd end up writing about every scene in the movie if I commented on everything. In addition to the other things I already mentioned, the acting was just about perfect, too, and I was particularly moved by Harry and Aunt May. This movie hit every note perfectly, not a single moment out of place or dull, and you can really see the thought, care and detail they put into every single second. I am SO psyched for the third movie, because I think it may even surpass this one. If you've been dragging your feet about seeing this movie because you weren't very impressed by the first one, go see it now. It is, quite simply, the best superhero movie ever made.

Weekend

Besides seeing Spiderman yesterday, Liana came to visit on Friday and spend time with us and Peter. She made dinner for us in the form of spaghetti and meatballs that were delicious, and later, after the kids went to bed, me, Dom, Nickie, Liana, Kayla and Peter had a few drinks and played Trivial Pursuit.

Saturday we got up early, and me, Dom, Nickie, Peter, Liana and the kids all metro'd in to DC to go see the new World War II monument. I'm gonna post about that separately because it's really long and detailed.

We spent about two hours at the monument and then headed back, because we were having people over in the late afternoon for a barbeque.

Before we went home though, we stopped by Walmart to buy their whole bandana collection, because they had a ton of really cool ones. Nickie got a couple of shirts, one of which I liked enough to buy for myself. Convincing Dom to buy it after the mini-shopping spree I did the week before (in which I got three kick ass pairs of pants and two cool new shirts) was easy when I told him that we'd both be wearing the same thing, which he really loves. So when we got home, she and I donned our new shirts, some capri-ish black pants, and the black and white striped socks that we both have pairs of. I haven't dressed like twins since young high school, and it was really fun. In the spirit of things, someone suggested Dom should be wearing a pair of striped socks, too, so I went and got the light blue and white striped ones for him, which prompted Andrew to wear the other pair, so we were all sort of twinnish, which I found to be both cute, cool and weird, which about sums up everything in my life lately.

Then we barbequed. Chris and Amber, Andrea and Dan, Rich and Danyelle, Jenn, Sandra, Shimbo, Kayla, Liana, Peter, me, Dom, Nickie and Andrew all hung out, ate barbequed chicken and corn, mashed potatoes and oreo pie while drinking and having some great conversations. The kids were here, too, and Rich and Danyelle brought over their daughter Maddie, so the kids had a lot of fun playing with her and hanging out in between. It was really great to see everyone, and I wish we had more time to hang out with all our friends.

All in all, a really great weekend with a lot of good talking and just spending time together.

Emotionally, I'm feeling much more positive about things and better and better each day. Friday I was PMSing like crazy, just annoyed and prone to be angry about every little thing, but then on Saturday it had passed and I was much better. I'll post more about all that stuff later. Now, I have to go finish cleaning the house from the mini-party and get back into the swing of the work-week. Love to all you guys!

Current Mood: cheerful

Written for doyle_sb4, who requested: Dawn; Illyria knowing the Key; preferably dark

Notes: Rated R for dark themes

Better to Reign in Hell...

"Now?" the girl asks.

The sky crackles and splits with lightning, throwing illumination and shadows in odd shapes, and for a moment the girl is a black silhouette painted against the chaos of the darkened sky. Wind roars furiously, turning her hair into whips that lash at her thin, oval face, and she raises her arms as if to embrace the invisible gusts. Her forearms are a twisted mangle of scar tissue that wind together in all shades of red, pink and purple, individual threads woven like fabric and beaded jewelry made of flesh, and Illyria finds them beautiful, more real and visceral than any aspect of humanity she has yet witnessed.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: happy

Oh, and because I never said this, and I really, REALLY meant to:

You guys all rock. Thank you all so much for your advice and support and love in our Polyamory adventure. From those we know to those we only know via LJ, we have some of the best, most wonderful, most non-judgmental most amazing and supportive friends in the world. I love you guys, each and every one. Thank you so much. You've no idea how much it means to me to go into this and know that as long as we are happy, our friends are happy for us. It just makes everything even better.

The kids now know. They sort of knew for some time now, and Dom discussed it with them after the night he took them all over to Nickie's to hang out and spend the night. Like everyone else in our lives, they took it in stride, didn't bat an eye, and even said that they didn't think it was weird, though they already knew it wasn't the sort of thing to be discussed with other adults or at school. We've raised them smart that way. They don't have meetings about rainbows. But they are fine with it. So fine in fact, that the day Dom talked to them about it, he dropped them off here at home with me before going to work and they didn't even see fit to mention the conversation to me at all, which just cracks me up. And not because they felt strange about it; they were quite happy and normal as ever, and I talked to Soleil at length that day about pubescent female stuff very comfortably. They're so awesome.

Jenn also knows. She's sort of known since Soleil's birthday party when we all hung out on the back porch while Soleil and her friends camped on the couch and watched movies. We didn't bother hiding it in front of her at all. Dom talked to her about it directly two weeks ago, and she was initially concerned that it might affect the kids adversely, but once Dom explained that it wasn't the sort of thing we were going to greatly publicize in front of her friends or other parents, she was fine with it. She was mostly worried about it resulting in their being socially ostracized. I knew she was aware and okay with it when she had the "talk" about Dom with Nickie that night at the birthday party, about how she and Dom never communicated well, etc. and I was glad to see that I was right in my assessment. Dom and Nickie went over there for a BBQ a while back and discussed it all at length and all is well.

Good stuff.

Anyway, like I said. You guys rock. Thanks for being part of our lives.

Current Mood: working

I haven't been updating lately more out of being busy than avoidance. Kate was in town from Yale, our friend Peter from Belgium is visiting, we've been trying to spend time with other friends that we haven't seen in a while, and last week was hectic and crazy with housework. I've got fic to catch up on, a site to do still I think, email that needs answering, eternal housework to do, errands to run, things to sort out inside my head. Life is busy.

In interesting news, someone either stole my back license plate or it fell off while at the shop getting the catalytic converter tightened, so yesterday I went to DMV to get new plates and decided to get custom plates like I've wanted to forever. My new tags will say LIMITLS, which makes me happy. I orignally wanted NOLIMIT, but that was taken in every form. It's neat how much I've changed in the last couple of years. There was a time I would have felt very angry and annoyed that someone stole my plate or that it fell off, as if the outside world were working to make my life extra hard. Now I look at it as an opportunity to get the plates I always wanted and it's a happy thing.

I've also been reading a couple of books lately. One about Polyamory that has been very helpful in identifying problems and offering solutions, as well as improving on group dynamics. Things have been going much better in our expanded relationship, and though I'm still cautious about simply embracing and going forward out of fear of being wrong about myself and backsliding and potentially causing unhappiness, I'm feeling much better. The other book I am reading is about Personality type in relation to how the brain functions, and it's been scientifically studied in the sense of what areas of the brain control what. It's SO fucking accurate in its specifics with regard to both me and Dom and how we react and process information that it's helping us both get a much firmer grip on who we are and where our internal conflicts originate. As it turns out, it's not always major issues so much as that people have opposing functions set up inside their minds to help bring a more balanced view of things and encourage growth. However, employing an opposing function takes more conscious effort, and we tend to resist it, because it DOES bring a more balanced view and challenges what we think we know, what we want to believe, what feels like "us". This book is helping me to understand what I've been doing for the last couple of weeks, puts it into words that I understand rather than the vague feeling of understanding I had previously. It's been very helpful.

( If you're interested in learning about me, what's been going on inside my head the last couple of weeks and where I am right now mentally, read on. You may even learn something about yourself. )

Current Mood: busy

I'm doing a lot of reading on how the brain works in relation to personality type, and I'm learning so many things that it's going to take some time to process them all. One of the quotes got me thinking though, and I want to write my thoughts down before I forget.

To paraphrase: Eve ate the apple and gained the power of discrimination at the cost of Paradise. My first thought in reaction to this was that the Bible's main message was simply this: we should never have eaten the apple. Then I thought about it with some depth. If Paradise is bliss, why do we often translate bliss as a state of ignorance? My thought is that because at first glance it looks as if bliss lacks the ability to discriminate, to take things apart and judge them and come to conclusion. But is this a bad thing? Discrimination leads to arrogance and vanity and any number of the negative things that serve to facilitate our world's current state of confusion, violence, hatred, racism, etc. On the other hand, bliss, or ignorance of differences can be viewed as an infantile state, an unexamined way of living that simply accepts without knowledge.

So, interpreting that into a metaphor for life, the Garden is our infantile state, into which we are born knowing nothing, accepting readily the things around us without question. The stories that follow being ejected from the Garden deal with a great deal of violence that would result from such a harsh introduction to a new world of knowledge, but there are also stories that show the serenity that can come from someone who uses their knowledge to be at peace with themselves, and also the people who do not use knowledge, but simply accept--that is, cling to their infantile state. In short, they represent our introduction to a world where we must deal with judgement, and the possible ways that we can react and deal with it. The beginning is very turbulent and extreme, as it would be when one's world is turned inside out, and though stories of judgement and violence remain throughout, as we move toward the end we incorporate the teachings of Jesus, which teach us to use our knowledge to seek to understand and be understood rather than use our knowledge as a way separate ourselves and suffer as well as cause pain. Understanding promotes oneness with the self as well as with every other human being on the face of the earth. With that understanding also comes caring and love, for others as well as the self. In the end, Jesus is killed because of his beliefs. Keeping with the metaphor I'm using, I see this not so much as discrimination winning out, but as an example of how a person can follow this path to its end. To incorporate all the aspects of self, to use knowledge to understand rather than judge, taken to the ultimate state of understanding all--in Jesus' case as well of ours, the complete understanding and love of others despite their feelings for you or their actions--you would come to that state of oneness, and thus, the divided person that you once were would have to "die". With that death comes rebirth as a "whole" person, a person who has achieved oneness (perhaps called self-actualization in our society) who then ascends to heaven, having had every experience they need to reach that final place of ultimate peace. Within the metaphor, this would mean that heaven is not a place that we go to when we physically die, but a place in the mind that we can achieve if we work hard enough toward it.

So, in essence, applying my theory, the Bible shows us the journey from ignorance to knowledge, or from infant to adult, and tells all the tumultuous stories that would have to come along the road leading from complete unawaress to becoming fully aware. I have always believed that at the very least, the teachings of Jesus were meant not so much to be taken in the literal sense as to be used as a spiritual path to internal heaven as a state of mind. My current conclusion based on this, is that Bible's main purpose and message was meant to bring about complete tolerance and understanding and love between people, while seeing, noting, and ultimately ACCEPTING the differences that discrimination points out to us. It leads the way back to the Garden with full awareness of ourselves and the world around us, circling back to a Paradise, that having been examined and understood, is now a TRUE Paradise, rather than a state of blissful unawareness. A Paradise that is impervious to destruction by any psychological or societal means, because we have faced and come to terms with all the possible problems. We are no longer blissfully unaware and able to be surprised by things we never suspected could exist. We have reached oneness, and thus we are at peace, truly able to offer unconditional love and understanding that cannot be undermined by the self or others.

Some would still call this path a path back to ignorance, perhaps. They would say, maybe, that to try to see things always in the best light is to be ignorant, or delusional. But if that is true, then seeing them in the worst light represents the same delusion. Middle of the road does not work here, either, as that leads to conflict, both internal and external. In this case, I think it is not so much the choosing of one delusion over another, but the importance of examining ones life to perpetuate tolerance, acceptance, and finally understanding of ones self and others. If you achieve understanding through the use of knowledge, then you understand what you are "giving" when you give unconditional love. A thing cannot possibly be labeled ignorance if it has been examined and accepted as truth through the use of knowledge.

As for Revelations and the prophecy predicting the end of the world, I've thought about this, too, and I think that the ultimate message there is a final warning, a reminder if you will, that the end of the world will come if we do not learn the lessons the Bible promotes--that is, to find a way to understand and love each other and live in harmony. It's called the day of Judgement for a reason, I think. The more we judge, the more we tear ourselves and others apart, and the closer we get to the end of the world. Judgement is what will end the world, indeed. And though the ones who have traveled the path to enlightenment and understanding will be "saved" (as in, they have achieved oneness and will understand why this has happened and accept it), they will still die along with those who do not understand. We all die, game over. So we'd better all get moving down the path to understanding, according to that.

For the record, I may be supporting and purporting this theory because I totally agree. Duh. But honestly, I see it as the only way our world can survive. It's only a matter of time until hatred, blame, intolerance and unacceptance cause us to wipe each other out, otherwise.

Overall, this is a pretty unimportant theory to most, I am sure, though it might be entertaining. It's really mostly for me, anyway. I have a need to re-express why I think choosing understanding and accepting and love are important, to help me get a stronger grip on my goals, I think. Also, it serves as a platform to coveniently address the latest theory about me which seems to be circulating because of my recent wrestling with internal issues over the polyamory situation. Lately I've seen people express that Dom just wants to have his cake and eat it too and that I'm simply bowing to his wishes, making excuses for him, etc. In short, using the phrase I coined a couple of years back, I see that people still believe that Dom is Evil and I'm just Evil's Lackey. I find it difficult to believe that anyone who has been reading my journal for any length of time could honestly believe that. I would think that people in my life would know by now that I believe in tackling and triumphing over all my issues and that following this path to understanding is the best way I can be true to myself. But if you don't understand that, I can't convince you of it, and you're welcome to think that I'm a disillusioned, brainwashed, wishy-washy thing of a girl. I'll love you anyway, and the reason that I can is because of all the things I believe in that I've talked about in this very post. My love and acceptance and understanding of you is not given blindly in ignorance; it is given with knowledge and understanding. This is exactly what I give to Dom, as well.

If you've followed along, you get lots of cookies and love for listening to me ramble. If you have questions, or additional thoughts, or have the urge to point out massive holes in my theory or a burning need to tear it into itty bitty pieces, please do. I have ponies, candy and lots of sweaty money for YOU guys ;)

Current Mood: content

Written for the Back to Highschool Ficathon for sk8eeyore to the following requests:

Char request: Willow/Giles
Genre: Fluffy
Rating Below R
Requests: Willow is a bit sick/hurt/depressed at any rate Giles insists on taking care of her in his apartment. Willow gets giles to read her a Winnie-the-Pooh story (pref one with Eeyore) complete with character voices.
Restrictions: For once I don't want smutty--there can be sexy overtones given Willow's crush but mostly just sweetness/tenderness/bonding (very father/daughter stuff)

( Tissues and Thistles on a Tuesday Afternoon )

Current Mood: relieved

So, it's been a while since I've updated, and you must certainly all be wondering what's been going on. Well, some of you, anyway :)

Things are pretty good. I have discovered that I, the person who has never been jealous on a sexual level and pretty not-jealous on many emotional levels, do indeed harbor some fears and jealousies. Most of these are with regard to certain emotional attentions, which at the outset, were being given more to Nickie than to me. It makes sense. In order to solidify the relationship, the emotional intensity and intimacy must be there between them, too. My main concern borders on when I see things being given to her that I am no longer receiving, or perhaps have never recieved. I'm currently battling through what I think are the final stages of this emotional upset. At least, this round of it, as I realize this may not be the last time I have to deal with such feelings.

I have communicated all my concerns and desires and fears at this point, I think, and things are becoming more balanced. No longer fearing that he has to solidify things with Nickie so that she doesn't go away, and realizing that perhaps I am not as aware of my permanent place in his life and heart as I should be, and no longer fearing that showing me a great deal of attention and affection will drive Nickie away, things with Dom are going much better lately. The attention and love is more evenly dispersed and I'm becoming much happier.

You can probably tell that my tone here is a little more logical, down-to-earth than usual, or something to that effect. It's the lack of passionate emotion that usually fuels my posts that's being downplayed here. I've had to tune down my irrational emotional side, squish it almost after a couple weeks of riding high on fear, and things are slowly becoming more clear to me. Fear and jealousy are taking me to my deepest, darkest places and dragging my demons out into the light, and it's been rather overwhelming for the past couple of weeks. But I think, ultimately, that it's a good thing. If I can divest myself of these unneccessary, culturally sown structures that do nothing but protect us from issues we should be dealing with, then I think that's all for the better.

One thing I am figuring out is that although I have always been a very strong, confident person in many ways, my self-esteem is not quite where it should be. I pointed this out in an earlier post and I still stand by it: I have depended too much on Dom to give me perspective on myself and who I am and that I am smart, funny, witty, sexy, etc. These are things I should know on my own, not be depending on someone else to prop them up for me. If anything, from all of this, I am learning more what it means to be an individual and to truly stand on my own, independent first, and interdependent second. Not codependent. And though our relationship has always been very interdependent in many ways, there is obviously still some codependency happening there, or else I would not feel a lack of self when he is, to my culturally jaded eyes, overly appreciating the qualities of someone else. I should be secure enough in my own qualities to not feel taken away from when that happens.

This is something that I've come to on my own. I know that some people may be of the opinion that Dom simply "brainwashes" me into whatever opinions I'm currently holding, and believe me when I tell you, that though I have been willing to put aside quite a lot for him to make him feel more comfortable back when he had big jealousy issues, I was aware that I was doing so. Those who know me know I'm not the kind of person who simply agrees out of fear or wanting to be loved. I've always been honest and true to myself, and I don't agree with anything unless it makes sense to me and I actually agree. I don't give final word on anything until I am absolutely sure that I believe it and am okay with it, and I have yet to have to go back on any decision I have ever made. I've never been tricked, or tricked myself into agreeing to anything I was not truly okay with. Most things, I have to come to on my own, even after they are presented so logically that they cannot be denied. I'm stubborn that way. It doesn't mean that I can't change my mind, but it does mean there'd better be a good, logical outside reason for doing so or it's not going to happen, and, of course, I can always expand my mind to include even more things in decisions I've already made.

Bottom line, I'm the kind of person who always finds a way to figure things out, to make things "okay" in my head such that I can surivive and move on happily and heal myself where it is needed--when I decide to. Sometimes it takes a while, but I always get there. I may not like it sometimes, but I do agree with what seems to be the widely held philosophy that a situation like polyamory has the potential to free you from your fears and societal trappings, get rid of those "bad", "evil" and "ugly" issues that are lying just under the protective rug of monogamy. Yes, it's a lot of work that perhaps we don't have to undertake, but if I can be completely free to be who I am, and free to love the way everyone SHOULD love--without boundaries or rules or demands, which translates to total love of self--then it's worth it. No matter how hard and hurtful the issues may seem at the time I experience them.

I tend to shy away from my journal in times of great pain, and that's PART of the reason I haven't been posting quite as much (in addition to mad house cleaning and repair all week on account of the landlords coming over tomorrow, and time spent talking a great deal about what's been going on in my head to Dom and Andrew). Also, when my mind feels very negative I have the tendency to not want to put any of the positives I feel out there, probably because I don't want to see them. But I'm reaching the point where I've pushed back my terrified emotion of fight or flight and am trying to be more rational about things, and it seems to be working. Hopefully I can continue to listen to my emotion without letting it take such control of me. At any rate, I'm feeling pretty good right now, though I am not at the pinnacle of my previous happiness. I think I am getting back to it though. This is turning out to be a great experience in many, many ways.

Current Mood: busy

Well, we're back. The trip was fun, good times were had, got to see people I haven't seen in a long time. Beyond that I'm just trying to catch up on everything, which is turning out to be tough. I'm working on my late Back to Highschool and Illyria fics, and soon I really need to go unpack everything that's still not unpacked from the trip. So a brief LJ message to let you all know that I'm home and had fun and hope to be back in the swing of things shortly.

Current Mood: busy

Assignments have been sent. If you didn't get yours, or if there is any sort of problem, please leave a comment here and I'll try to resend or work it out with you. I will be out of town as of, oh, an hour or so, but I may have an internet connection in Myrtle Beach. If not, I'll get back to you next Monday when I'm back.

Thanks to everyone who's participating! :)

Current Mood: busy

Okay, the ficathon is offically closed for sign ups, and I should be sending out assignments this weekend. It looks like it's gonna be busy this weekend at my house, so they may not go out til Sunday. Hope that works for everyone!

Thanks to everyone who signed up, and I can't wait to read all these great stories!

Current Mood: sore

From doyle_sb4's journal, a random request she found on a Choose Your Author Mail List. I could not resist.

It's the crack. I really need to cut back on that shit.

Pairing - Spike/Cordelia
Rating - R romance, comedy
Challenge - premise Spike didn't leave town after Lover's Walk. Instead he went back to the factory and caught the scent of Cordelia's blood. Things go from there.

Must have
Spike visiting Cordelia in hospital
Cordy shooting him with a paint gun when he shows up at her house.
Spike gaining access to her house by pretending to be a singing telegram
Oz and Angel get suspicious. (if they find out its up to you. what they do about it up to you)
Spike letting all the monkeys free in the Sunnydale Zoo and doing an impression of the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz
S/C have a hair and nail care night at a SPA.
Lots of kissage (more than that if you like)

I have lovingly titled this piece "Love Isn't Brains", written by moi.

( Spike visiting Cordelia in hospital )

( Cordy shooting him with a paint gun when he shows up at her house )

( Spike gaining access to her house by pretending to be a singing telegram )

( Oz and Angel get suspicious. (if they find out its up to you. what they do about it up to you) )

Spike letting all the monkeys free in the Sunnydale Zoo and doing an impression of the wicked witch of the west from the Wizard of Oz -

"You know, I don't really recommend this." Oz tilts his head and looks in at the monkey cage.

"Girl said she likes monkeys. Maybe if I bloody bring her one she'll stop wagging her tongue long enough for me to get a word in."

"You know the monkey is the only animal in the Animal Cracker box that has pants?"

Spike pauses, cigarette dangling from his lips as he ponders this tidbit of information. "Should I get it pants?"

"You really can't go wrong with chiffon." Oz shrugs.

Spike snorts and breaks the lock on the cage. "All right, I'll just nab one of the little--bugger all!"

The monkey's rush the door and clamber out in a rush of squeals and squeaks.

"Huh," Oz says, watching them scamper away. "You feel like maybe we should be holding a broom and cackling?"

"Fly, my pretties," Spike deadpans, and raises the tranquilizer gun, taking aim on the nearest monkey.

( S/C have a hair and nail care night at a SPA. )

Lots of kissage (more than that if you like)

"Sodding tramp." He catches her lower lip between his.

"80's refugee." She throws her arms around him, begins to kiss him, then draws away, looking confused. "I'm having a sense of deja-vu... what is it?" She presses a hand to her forehead, frowning, and then snaps her fingers, lighting up with a grin. "Oh yeah! I've already done this routine, Mr. Rebel-without-a-clue playing the part of Xander Harris."

"Do NOT compare me to that sodding--"

"If I kiss you, will you shut up and go away?" she interrupts.

"Only if you do it a lot."

"The things I do to make other people happy," she sighs and returns to kissing him.

"And if I could get a bit more than a kiss," he begins, whispering against her mouth.

"Hey! What kind of story do you think this is, anyway? I hit you with a paint gun, Angel and Oz exchanged words, you freed all the monkeys in the zoo while quoting the Wicked Witch of the West and brought me an unconscious monkey with a bad case of mites--we went to a SPA for Christ's sake! Hello? This whole thing screams PG-13 goofy comedy, and now you're angling for NC-17 sex?"

"Actually, I was just hoping we could shag like bunnies."

"Oh for God's sake." Cordelia rolls her eyes, disentangles herself and starts walking away.

Confused, Spike trails after her. "Maybe if we wore bunny suits we could make the rating...?"

*fade to black*

Current Mood: weird

And halfway into my marathon post, the power goes out for absolutely NO REASON! YAY! So from the top again:

So much to catch up on. I've really got to get with this LJ thing again and stop just saying that I'm going to.

So, we made our Quartet debut at Nation, umm... three weeks ago on Thursday? It was awesome fun. I got dressed up to the nines, like I haven't done in at least a year. Dom and I got out on the floor and did our goth/hip-hop drama dance thing together, which we haven't done in FOREVER--never fails to get the attention of the crowd, 'cause damn we are smooth. Too fun. Got to hear some really kick ass upbeat techno in the upstairs room while we all hung out, talked to Andrew for a long time up there, made out for a while, then went dancing my ass off downstairs by myself for a good long while, wandered around and talked to people I hadn't seen in forever and got a fairly decent buzz going. Good times. I only wish we'd gotten pictures. Well... technically, there were pictures later, but I can't show you those ;)

I'd like to take this moment to introduce my new favorite slang phrase to my LJ. For the last couple of weeks, I've been "Kirking out". What does this mean? No one knows for sure, but everyone seems to agree that it has to do with Good Old Captain Kirk freaking out and being overly melodramatic about EVERYTHING. And that just cracks me up. So yeah, kirking out for the last couple of weeks. Let me tell you, trying to get the dynamic of four people together to go anywhere or decide on anything and divide time is very taxing. But I think it's working itself out slowly. Time alone for me and Dom has been the difficult part until just very recently. Some of you may not know this about me, but when I get frustrated and cannot communicate effectively about anything with my SO, I make Captain Kirk's melodramatics look like Stick Figure Theater. Last night I flipped all the way out when I discovered that I could not get Dom to understand a single thing inside my head, threw things, screamed, broke some shit, and then this morning I felt all better. No. I'm not psychotic at all, why do you ask?

After the big freak out, I took a shower and this calm settled over me. So clear it was unsettling, and I came downstairs and wrote Dom the clearest, most logical, most calm email about our relationship I've ever written. It kind of freaked me out. Kind of freaked him out, too, as I discovered. He woke up early and read it on his Blackberry before coming downstairs to get me to come take the shower he didn't take with me last night that was the straw that broke Captain Kirk's back and caused the whole melodrama in the first place. Anyway, we had a good talk, got a lot of things clarified, and basically, communicated in the way we've been trying to for the last couple weeks. Sometimes--although it's better to avoid--I think flipping out is the best and perhaps only way to get out all the negative emotion that builds. I feel like I cleaned my pipes, got out all the gunk. I'm sure not all of my issues are resolved, but God, I feel like myself again, finally.

The only thing I'm pissed about is the fact that I have to re-mop all the floors upstairs after just mopping them two days ago, because my stupid self decided to throw my plastic, FULL wine glass across the living room. Bad self. So I'm annoyed about that, but beyond that, I'm not punishing myself for any of it, even though I felt slightly guilty for a bit afterward. I wish I didn't have the tendency to do anything to provoke reaction when someone won't answer me or try to talk to me, but such is me. Just like everyone else in the world, I had a good reason, clearly, or I wouldn't have done it.

Anyway, what else? Ah, yes. No kids for about the last week and a half or so. They've been with Jenn, and really, it's a little disconcerting. That, added to the rest of the chaos that has recently replaced my schedule and routine, adds up to badness. But the last two days have been more scheduled, more getting stuff done around the house-ish, and that helps get my brain grounded a lot more, too. I'm actually starting to miss the little buggers though.

There's lots, lots more, but I think that's enough for now. Tonight I'm looking hopefully forward to Kate's return from Yale since she's driving down today and almost always makes a "surprise" visit on her first night back. Mike's also in town from Seattle, and we'll see him tomorrow night at Nation, so lots of fun stuff coming up. I'm so glad I'm feeling better! Whee!

Current Mood: hopeful

Well, I knocked all six of my feedback assignments out this morning and got them posted tonight. I feel good about that, at least. Also started on my "Back to Highschool" Buffyverse fic. I got majorly burned on feedback though. I'm not gonna bitch too much, because as Dom pointed out: "maybe I shouldn't enter stories for feedback if I don't want to get back anything bad." I do expect some good constructive criticism, but damn. I felt like this person hated all my stories. When you enter a story for feedback because you didn't get enough the first time and you thought it was a pretty good damned story, you're hoping to get back something good. At least a little good. I did get one extra feedback from someone else that was heartening, and that did make it better for me. But wow, I have rarely seen feedback so harsh for anyone's stories, and never for mine.

Oh well. Whatever. I'm probably just being oversensitive.

Current Mood: crushed