Below are the 3 most recent journal entries recorded in yukky's LiveJournal:

Saturday, August 4th, 2001
6:05 pm	bleh Im pissed off that i cant forget about him. Im pissed off that i care. Im pissed at myself for letting myself get in this situation. Im pissed off at the fact that im hurt by this. Im pissed off at the fact that i cried myself to sleep again last night. Im pissed off at the fact that i knew from the start it was too good to be true. Im pissed of at the fact that i wasent good enought for him. Im pissed off at the fact that i dunno how long its gonna take me to forget. Im pissed off at the fact that i know if he would have still wanted me,i would have gladely stayed with him. Im pissed off that i liked him so damn much. Im pissed off that im alone again. Im pissed off at the fact that when i think about my good times with him,i was soo fuckin happy then. Current Mood: bitchy Current Music: 400 years-suture (2 Comments |Comment on this)
10:49 am	love is not I’m watching fast times at Ridgemont high right now, I only like spacoly (spelling?). I love the 80’s, the movies, clothes, music. I think hair metal is the best! Last night I was talking to my other friend Sean, he’s more mellow in musical taste, he listens to some emo so I call him emo Sean to distinct him from the other Sean I met at the show. It was funny we made a pact, if we weren’t married by the age of 43 we would both get married. He’s really nice and sweet, he treats me better than the other Sean, everyone says I should “get” with him, but were just good friends. I also talked to the other Sean I met at the show, I told him I would see him at the movies, he said okay, but I don’t know I don’t think he wants to go with me, I should just forget about him, it used to be that he was infatuated with me, now its me. I used to ignore him while he liked me way more, now its the other way around. I’m so dumb, why did I ever do that to him. But if he wants to really go see a movie with me, then I’ll go with my friend Amanda on Thursday with her boyfriend Scott. Scott is really nice but extremely lame, he used to call me a lot back in Elementary school, I don’t know he might have liked me… my says were going out today, I have 20 bucks, I don’t know what I’m gonna buy maybe a cd or something, I want to get a flesh parade cd but I can’t find it anywhere. I heard some funny noises last nite in my parents bed room, my mom and dad were drinking last nite and I came down stairs to collect my weekly allowance, and my dad started questioning me to why I’m so angry and sad, to my family, I told him I wanted my allowance. He asked me 3 times, I just kept asking for my money, he finally gave it to me and I went up stairs and was online for a little bit. Only one person was on my friend Angela, she clings to much to me, I don’t want to be mean to her but she always says things with a “we”, I don’t want to go places with her, or dress her way, or dance in the streets…yes dance. She says too many unrealistic things, but she’s nice and I have to really appreciate the nice ppl in society b/c we don’t have a lot of them. I woke up this morning around 8:00, that’s the latest I woke up in the morning this summer. Then I went to go walk the dog, I was listening to my Antischism cd, and it’s the coolest song 4 on still life is sick. But I was thinking a lot about me and emo Sean, I’m seeing him next Saturday at the book store, were gonna go in the back and just hang out and draw shit on the walls, heh. Then I started thinking about the other Sean, and if I say anything I know he’ll make fun of me. I hope I get to buy a cd today, I’m really getting sick my dystopia cd I just bought. Current Mood: awake Current Music: anti product-war is prostitution (Comment on this)
Friday, August 3rd, 2001
5:56 pm	stupid shit, that really shouldnt concern anyone b/c it doesnt matter and u think is funny probly My friend Amanda just left; we were outside sitting on the rocks talking about how our lives could be better. She said I should just be a good kid to my mom, but I don t think she understands how much of a home wrecker she is, there hasn t been a single day I can really remember that went well with my mom, where we haven t had a fight, well maybe a few, but barely. Every since I was 3 I could remember her yelling. I don t know what I want in life right now, but I know that everything is going wrong, I think about suicide every day, last week I thought about sticking a knife in my stomach, it would have been quick. I can t take it anymore, being stuck in this house, having no one to talk to me, no one who cares; I just want some comfort. Everytime I try to talk to someone they always say the same thing, just forget about everything, and be a good kid, your mom will be nice to you . I have tried many times, but I just find myself even more blue . I get maybe six hours of sleep everyday; sometimes I wake up in the middle of the nite, wondering why is there a tomorrow, when nothing is going to happen. At nite it s the worst I can t sleep so I end up thinking A LOT. I think about everything the days of my summer and how sad and boring they are, Sean, past friends and why I did the things I did to them, the things I regret. Infact to think of it now I regret everything I did this year, everything I did wrong all the lies, the mistrust, the thoughts I m paying for now. I really regret everything. My mother doesn t trust me, my brother doesn t trust me, and my father well I don t see him and when I do it usually him asking where is dinner. I knew this guy his name was Sean, I met him at a show. It would have worked out if I wasn t so secretive, if he knew the real me, I was always afraid and nervous around him, I never wanted to see him b. /c I knew I would make a fool of myself, which I did. But I really loved him, I loved him a lot, I cared for him, not b/c he was my boy at the time, but he made me feel good about my self, something no one does for me. We were good for a while, he was really sweet and he had the iciest blue eyes that were one of the first things I remember from him. But I used to say he was the one who got bitter but it was me, if I was truthful and showed him my real self, it wouldn t have ended the way it ended. Right know I don t know about the two of us, but I really miss him, when I was with him I didn t think about how my life was so miserable and boring. But now he s gone, I lost him too, I loose everything. I don t expect to be out all nite, having fun doing every thing with a ! , no not at all. I just want care and comfort. I try to talk to my mom but she wont listen, she just tells me go away get some dignity! Have some self esteem the other girls are all home talking nicely to their moms and helping them clean . No one listens to me; I ve lost all my close friends, the boy I love, my family s trust. How am I supposed to gain it back I m trying but all these assumptions and how I m accused all the time is making it worse, getting put down by everyone, don t ppl know that I to actually have feelings and get hurt. Everything is going wrong in my life; I have the worst luck. Current Mood: envious Current Music: Afi-very proud of ya (Comment on this)