Saturday, January 10th, 2004
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5:42 pm - hello world, where did you go?
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i'm been looking for hope lately. every day i wake up and hope that today will be the day when something i want will work out. if i'll ever have some sort of friendship/relationship with someone i meet. i went to a strip and had some interesting conversations with girls. i feel stupid, that i have to pay to hang out with someone. i'm pathetic i guess. i've been in to mood to just get drunk and wait for something to happen. i must have a social problem. just one more prooblem to add to the list. oh well, it seems like being alive is as good as it gets.
current mood:  depressed
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(3 comments | comment on this)
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Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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2:15 am - great day
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things seems to be turning the other way for me. i'm glade. i dunno what did, but i think some one loves me. my band should start practicing next month. i found members that are totally awesome and i can't wait bto meet them and JAM! ANY WAYZ i'm gonna go to sleep, or watch a porn. both suck to do alone.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: nine inch nalis- all
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, November 20th, 2003
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3:16 am - i'm begining to think life is hopeless
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i've been so depressed these last weeks. i have no close friends anymore. and can't seem to make any. everyone i meet online either fucks me over or doesn't want meet or talk to me on a personal level. and i can't seem to talk to anyone cause i have no social life. this world has turned me into something. a moster at time and others the most fragil thing. it seems like the only way i smile these days is when i say fuck the world with a smile and still be sane. i wonder how many "friends" will respond to this. no one ever does.
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(8 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, November 18th, 2003
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4:17 pm - zao show
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well, i'm going to see zao and beloved tonight. i'm excited cause i haven't seen zao in a long time. i'm glad they are still together. i hope to see everyone there.
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(comment on this)
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Thursday, October 9th, 2003
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10:56 pm - what a great way to get stress out
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so, me, my uncle, cousin and her bf went to scarletts, a strip club in toledo. it was way fun. i drank jack and coke all nite, sorrounded by beautiful women. i have been to a strip club in like 2 years. it was a fun time, lap dances, i don't care it was fun. hope i can go again soon.
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Monday, September 29th, 2003
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2:39 am - story of my life
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why can't i get anything with out fucking up something great. it seems like an on going process. life is a stab in the back and push straight into an oncoming vehicle. isn't life grand?
current mood:  disappointed
current music: norma jean
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(comment on this)
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Saturday, September 6th, 2003
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11:12 pm - fun day
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me and mark b were chillin. i put new stickers on my wheel chair. now its up to date with my current fav bands! we ate some steak, mashed potatoes and veggies. yum yum! we watched end of days while we ate. then we went to toledo to steel addiction and got peirced. i got my tongue done and got his nipples. mine didn't hurt but later when it got swollen it kinda did. it really hurt like a bitch when i put listorine on it. i also got these kick ass blue/black swirl like glass plugs. they cost 36$ each but they look fuckin awesome. mark swaid he liked getting his nipples done. man i can't believe they take 6 weeks to heal! i was gonna get mine done but i bought the plugs instead. my tongue should heal in a week. good thing cause theres gonna be lots of honeys this weekend at the shows i'm going to. friday in lansing i'm going to see small brown bike(cd realese party) and kid brother collective(one of thier last shows:(), sat i'm going to see cursive, the blood brothers and eastern youth at the majestic theater in etroit, sun i'm gonna go see dillinger escape plan, eighteen visions, poison the well, shai hulud and further seems forever at clutch cargo's in detroit. should be fun. hope to see all my friends there.
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
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3:11 am - i camde to a conclution today
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i was think about my horrible life and came to realize, no ones gonna help you, you can't count on anyone, if you are gonna survive another day, you have to do it alone.
i dunno, if this is good or bad? i guess i'll sleep on it. i'll find out in the morning. if i don't stay awake half the night dreaming of a life i'll never have. thinking that this is it, this is the best its gonna get, take it or leave it. i dunno...or i could cry myself to sleep, i'm pretty good at that one. its like when i see how much better other people's lives are, it crushes me heart. i pity the others who atre struggle the same as i am. there never gonna be a right time to actually say how awesome it is to be alive. i never gonna know how awesome it feels to be dead either. two things that seem to be player tug-of-war with my mind. iwish i could make it stop. but i can't. i don't think anyone can. i must fight it some how. its like being stuck in a leaving nightmare. haha i'm waiting for freddy! lol, i'm gonna fuck his shit up! even in my must depressed moments i some how manage to find some kinda humore in it. man i need sleep. and they all deaded happily ever after...
current mood:  worried
current music: come back mother fuckin' kid!
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(5 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, August 26th, 2003
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1:03 am - i hate my life
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Saturday, August 23rd, 2003
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11:22 pm - FURNACE FUCKING FEST!
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HOLY SHIT! what hella fun i had. i saw so many fun band. Martyr ad was so awesome. i'm so glad they are back together and kicking ass. and tara looks soooo cute. i was so shy all i could say was hi. terror and every time i die kicked my ass! throwdown, holy shit, mosh mosh mosh! the first day sucked. i saw a life once lost, hopesfall and further seems forever. they did a bjork cover. it was so awesome. they covered "pagan poetry." lets see day 2, shai hulud, the red chord, unearth, hate breed. all awesome. the red chord drummer makes me sick he's so good. hum was amazing! they played all my jams. the 3rd day well i pretty said that already. stretch was fun. there new cd is good. well, now i'm at home waiting for the next fun thing to happen
current mood:  uncomfortable
current music: martyr ad
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(comment on this)
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Friday, August 8th, 2003
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4:27 am - things i've been think about
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i want to move the fuck out of here
i can't wait to start my band
i hate myself and i want to die
if i killed myself now, would that be the smartest thing i ever did
when am i gonna find that special someone i can relate to
where did i fuck up in life that i have all this shit to deal with
is there a such thing as a "normal" life
if there's a chance that i could walk again, would i pass it up
it hardcore dies, is there any reason to go on
i love my friend, but i wish they were closer
will i ever loose this weight
can't wait to see hum at furnace fest
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Wednesday, July 30th, 2003
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5:38 pm - NEW BAND! FUCK YEAH!
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well, i finally found people to form a new band. i am way excited. wish us luck.
current mood:  excited
current music: throwdown, it dies today, premonitions of war
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Saturday, July 26th, 2003
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3:56 am - do u think i could make it in the porn business?
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so, i've been watching a lot of pornos lately and i was laughing saying, "i was think that maybe i could do that some day." i've never seen a guy in a wheel chair in a porno before. i could make good money, meet some cool interesting people. not to mention all that cheesy acting. plus you get to fuck and be around naked women all the time. i dunno, i'll sleep on it, see where it goes from there.
current mood:  curious
current music: nine inch nails
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Sunday, July 20th, 2003
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4:33 pm
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so i just found out that one of my favorite bands is playing furnace fest this year, HUM! i've never seen them before live. i'm super psyched. it looks like my friends Stephanie, and blake are coming down with me. there are many good bands this year, not as many as last year but enough to get me excited to go. i definitely wanna check out the red chord, terror, hate breed, further seems forever, beloved, and the new ex-end this day band coma eternal. it's a little bit more pricier this year but oh well, it's better then being here.
so, i've almost found kids to start a new band. it's gonna be a lot different then my old band tomorrow feels like sunday. we are going to play stuff along the lines of the red chord and premonitions of war. i'm excited. i really miss being in a band. it is my venting outlet for all my emotions, good or bad. and man do i need to get some of it out. so much stuff going on my life right now that i don't need to think about anymore. it's building up. i feel like the hulk. lol. but don't worry things are looking good.
current mood: hopeful
current music: Thursday
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Friday, July 18th, 2003
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10:48 pm - friends get old, move on, and die some day
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i went to eat at the stables today in blissfield. i was hoping that nobody knew me there. i kinda get annoyed when strange people come up to me and say hi like they are my best friends. its cool if people come ands say hi every once and awhile, but if it's people you never talked to before that have said 4 words to you there whole lives, thats stupid.
all my friends have moved on. some doing better things. i'm still stuck here hoping that one day i'll be able to get the hell out of here.
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Thursday, June 26th, 2003
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2:42 am - Vicodin, valume and morphine- all pain killers that don't work
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man i've been in a mello, high mood for the past few days. i spent tuesday in the er. i went in for swelling and masive pain in my legs. after waiting for 3 hours, they gave me morphine. that melloed me out. i couldn't tell if i was alive or dead. i slept from 12:30 am till 5:00 pm. i'm gponna go to bed now before i pass out. i just took a valume. i hope i don't wake up tomorrow.
current mood:  high
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(4 comments | comment on this)
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Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
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2:58 am - Fuck you, a nice way of saying I still care
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So long and thanx for every thing
You got a lot to put on your narrow shoulders
You got a lot of nerve mother fucker
Twist and turn and shake it all about
Spoon fed and shoved in my choking mouth
I’d love to watch you slowly die
Please baby don’t you cry
Hold me silently in loving arms
Soak me in gasoline and don’t forget to
Spark that flame inside that you hide so well
Melt and mold me into what you want
What you think you have
What you think you can get
You’ll never take me alive
I buried better than you
I’d have to say I’m glad I met you
Cause now I have a motive for murder
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Monday, June 23rd, 2003
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3:43 am - i'm going to sleep, hopefully i won't wake up tomorrow!
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time and time again
things need change
for better or for worse
i'm done dying in my real life
i wish away all happiness
to even up the odds
i know i'll never make it out alone
i know i'll never make it out alive
i'm cashing in my chips now
blowing out the candle one last time
i'll never reach tomorrow
with out killing myself today
if i try to breathe again
drowning in my own tears
i hate this fucking life
i hate this fucking world
i hope i bleed to death
i hope fucking choke
i'm going to sleep one last time
and pray to god that i won't wake up tomorrow...
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Monday, June 16th, 2003
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3:29 pm - ORLANDO FEST!
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all the bands rocked! a especaily loved life once lost, figure four, unearth and every time i die. bury your dead canceled which sucked but throwdown played. any way i got see my friend josh. damn missed the kid. damn its good to be home though. i'm just gonna get me chill on and shit. can't wait for hell fest!
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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Tuesday, June 10th, 2003
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5:08 pm - FUCK OFF GOD
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ok, so lately things in my life have been like so fucking crazy! i can only amagine what is gonna happen next. if i don't get out of michigan, i'm gonna die. i'm seriously loosing it. i can't sleep at night with thinking that tomorrow i'm gonna kill somebody. i have nobody close at all to relate to. i am done knockiing on gods door. i never asked for him to die for me. the day if i ever wanted to believe again is when i see him get on that cross again .hell i don't even know what to think anymore. if i had a gun man i would have so much fun! lol FUCK ME! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE WORLD! FUCK OFF AND DIE!
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