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I have been fat for the better part of a decade now. It all started around 1996 when my waistline began to expand and my breasts swiftly outgrew my vertical vision, obscuring my feet forever. It is not an easy life, but it is the one I have to live.
Given that this is the internet and given that, if the Simpson’s have taught me anything, fat people like computers, I would be willing to bet that there are a lot of fat people reading this right now. Who knows, maybe you’re one of them? Take a look down your body, can you see the floor?...No?...then this is the article for you.
Of all the seasons in the year, summer is the worst for fat people. We can no longer hide our supple frames under layers of cotton and denim. No, we are forced to lay our hoodies and sweat pants to rest and confront the fact that we are now wider than we are tall. However, there are some tricks I have picked up in my 8 years since the great expansion and, like the mafia, I am here to help out my friends. Here are the summer tips for fat people.
1. Avoid the beach. Take a look in the mirror. What do you see? I bet you see a large, shapeless, pale body with spotty hair and, most likely, a stretch mark here and there. Do you really want to show that off? No, no you don’t. Yes, you may like sand and salt water, but nobody wants to see your fat ass splashing around the waves and nobody wants to pull that harpoon out of you after the whalers nail you by accident. Let the beautiful ones have the beach…they let you have the library. Instead of going to the beach, try having a BBQ instead; you’ll feel more comfortable around roasting meat than you will trying to hide those pesky he-tits.
2. Tan yourself. I know it may be difficult to work on your tan if you can’t go to the beach, but there are plenty of other places to tan that flabby hide. For instance, you could try to convince all your stoner friends to let you borrow their grow lights for an hour or two each week. That way, you can achieve a solid base coat in the comfort of your own home. Or, try this; cover yourself in baby oil and stand in front of the microwave for a few hours. Sure, the cancer will hurt, but at least you’ll look a little slimmer for all the ladies you won’t be getting.
 3. Avoid bars and clubs. Only fat people know the real reason we hate summer; the sweat. It pours off your head and down your chest; over your tee-shirt and down the crack of your ass. And where do you sweat more than in a crowded bar or club. Good luck hitting on girls when you look like you just went down the slip-n-slide. Try heading to a beach bar or an outdoor party; this way no one will see the sweat due to the lack of light and you’ll be less likely to soak someone with sweat by bumping into them. Also, never dance…it is not meant for you. (Note: it is OK to attend the beach after dark, but, like a vampire, make sure you leave before the sun crests the horizon)
4. Do not swat at mosquitoes. You may be bitten. You may contract West Nile. But at least you won’t look the fool by swatting the air for ten minutes. One of the great comic loves of this country is to watch fat people do physically challenging things: rollerblading, climbing things, tying shoes, and, yes, swatting mosquitoes. You may be large, but don’t be the jester for your friends. You’ll never hear the end of when, “Jay was trying to swat that mosquito and he was all like, falling down and shit and his shirt, like, came up and shit…that was fucking hilarious.” Don’t feed the stereotype.
5. Do not wear a Speedo. If you choose to ignore my warnings about the beach and go anyway, at least wear something befitting a person of your stature. No one looks good in a Speedo, especially you. Your fat gut will droop over the front of the Speedo making it appear as though you are wearing nothing at all. However, those behind you will be treated to the sight of your hairy ass crack just poking through the top. Please, for the love of the children, do not don this European nightmare. If you must go to the beach, wear a moomoo, garbage bag, or raincoat and save everyone the doom of staring at your bared flesh.
Now, I don’t want you to be ashamed of your body. On the contrary, be proud of what you have accomplished. That gut, that flab shows years of accomplished eating and drinking feats and you should cherish it. You may envy the guys with the rock hard abs and no boobs, but what do you think will happen when the ice age comes? Huh? Yeah, they’re all going to freeze to death when we, you guessed it, will still be sweating. To my fellow fatties, I’ll see you in the living room watching TV and not, and I mean it, not on the beach this summer.
Steve has a new Observational Humor out today called Feeding The Meter so check that out.
This update is brought to you by this shirt and the letter Q. Now, hotlinks!
Every summer Metropolis, IL holds their annual Superman Festival...
I don't know what Lindsay Lohan is doing here. But I don't object.
Try to get home after a party without falling over. Pretty cool.
Soap Lake, Wash., is hoping for a bubbling 60-foot lava lamp.
After the gutter incident, ducks now getting a police escort.
Hey dudes, a year of Maxim and Stuff for $10 if ya want it.
30 year old guy wanting to lose his virginity. No reserve.
Try to get laid by a slutty asian girl in 100 days. (game)
...and you thought your teacher in highschool was a bitch.
If Lara Croft were a topless film action star... (nudity)
Too bad Father's Day is over. I bet he would like this...
How to make a vagina out of a watermelon. (gross nudity)
New Yeti game. #3 the Seal Toss is extremely addicting.
This is like NetFlicks but for porn. Hello, spankfest.
Everything you need to know about cunnilingus but...
Charcoal Filtered Underwear. To stop fart smells.
An entire family gets sent to jail in Tennesse...
Jeff Gordon's old girlfriend naked. Friggin' hot.
Well, would they go in the men's or the women's?
Hottest tennis player (who is actually good).
Jenna from survivor does a home porn movie?
"Nunchucks don't kill people. Ninjas do."
David Bowie gets a lollipop in his eye!
Relax baby, Dr. Love's got the cure.
Radiohead + Hillbillies = This song.
Are you a miserable ovoid creature?
30 hornets vs. 30000 bees. Badass.
Random Fortune Cookie Generator.
Ninja on the loose. No kidding.
The NutPunt guy is at it again.
I'll take them both, thank you.
French kissing gone bad...
The Internet's worst ads.
'Lil John translator.
Sounds... scary.
Lotsa Lindsay.
Oh dear God!
asdf 
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Graduation is a special time of the academic year. Your parents’ friends are sending you cards with money in them, and you’re feeling bad because you still don’t think spelling it “Congradulations” is funny. And you have to pack up your room and spend some time pondering just what the hell qualifies Damon Wayans to give a commencement address.
Packing is a long and arduous process full of ardu, but there’s some stuff you just don’t need after college. To streamline the process, I’ve compiled a handy list what to keep and what to donate to Goodwill for the next generation of little bastards looking for ironic gifts where some people shop out of necessity.
1) Your collection of _______. It doesn’t matter what you put in the blank. Any collection you’ve accumulated in college will not translate well into the real world. That collection of shot glasses that made you look like a party animal? Welcome to alcoholism. Your back issues of Maxim? Let’s buy a neon sign that says, “I masturbate but don’t have the balls to buy real porn.” Dried flowers boys gave you? Wow, hope being a librarian and having lots of cats works out for you. To the trash with all of this, and if you have to ask if you can keep your pogs, enjoy your parents’ basement.
2) Your college girl/boyfriend. He’s nice enough, but all of the sad, imagery-and-angst filled letters and three-figure phone bills in the world can’t silence the message your heart has been texting your brain since May: that you can do better than a long distance relationship. In the immortal words of the troubadour Tom Petty, “I have never recorded a decent song.” Just remember, when you said, “I love you forever,” you meant, “Until I find someone who doesn’t consider a game of Hungry, Hungry Hippos foreplay, jerk.”
 3) Your fraternity-letters tattoo. Oh, wait. Nice foresight, asshole.
4) Your “shelving” made of concrete blocks and boards. In college, it made you look ironic and thrifty and awesome. In the real world, it will just make you look poor. And not the “I’m cool and artsy” kind of poor. The “I’m poor” kind of poor.
5) Any t-shirt from a college event. Nothing is sadder than walking through Blockbuster and seeing some balding middle-management type trying to coolly kick back in his “Pi Phi Phantastic Phuckphest ‘94” shirt. If it’s less than fifteen years old, it’s neither retro nor vintage, just kind of pathetic.
6) Your old textbooks. Even if you’re going to grad school, there’s no excuse for keeping some books; you’re just holding onto them to try to look smart. Nobody needs a copy of Nietzsche by their bedside “just in case.” Well, nobody except a pretentious jerk. No visitor is going to walk into your apartment and say, “Oh my God, she’s got a multivariable calc text on her non-concrete-block bookshelves! The vector of my love bisects the plane of her heart!”
7) Your couch. We all have had that great thrift-store find, the green-plaid polyester sofa with the stains on it. The disgusting odors emanating from this piece of furniture defy identification, although most are some combination of melted Pez, semen, and squirrel blood. My own couch had anthrax growing on the far right cushion and the cure growing on the far left. You actually got healthier by sitting on the middle cushion, provided you didn’t get tetanus from the exposed spring. This advice goes double if your couch is actually a futon, which has earned the title of “Clark Kent of Furniture” by somehow braving the duality of being both an uncomfortable sofa AND an uncomfortable bed. What an age we live in!
Well, there you have it. Or no longer have it, as the bad pun may be.
And of course, a special thanks to MagazinesForCheap for sponsoring this update. They've still got a year of Maxim and Stuff for $10. Yay! Now, hot-hot-hotlinks. Have a great weekend!
Teens wonder if chickens do really run aroudn with their head cut off. And try it.
Not even a woman married to a doctor can shut up and listen (nudity)
"I was checking out hot or not, and found this lovely Russian lady..."
If Samuel L Jackson could fit his money in this, he would have one.
"My idiot son wrecked my car, now I'm sellin his tickets."
Best drinking game ever, it gives you a shock if you lose.
Puke in front of 50,000 people, and still win the game.
19 cars in one night. Drunk Driver of the Year award.
Smacking competition between two black women. Rough.
Suicide Bob Game, why's it gotta be so hard to die??
A better comparison of two recent Nickelback songs.
Sandals and socks. Still coming back! Don't forget!
The most controversial album covers of all time...
Where can i get me some of that sweet panda porn?
Helicopter game... bomb the hell outta AIM lingo.
Is this like the McDonald's of puntang? (pornish)
Free beer if you register to vote? Fair enough.
This guy created a 1.09 gigapixel image. Cool.
These could also be used to hold large fruit.
So this is why Classics Majors have more fun.
This can't be real. Or is it? Jesus Christ.
You can't help when mother nature calls.
Movies that this guy thought were porn.
One word. One minute. Cool little idea.
Short movie making fun of artsy films.
Disney's subliminal sexual messages...
Really good Budweiser commercial...
Lesson? Don't have sex in public.
Lots of hot "real life" chicks.
Nice logo for a tounge ring...
Get the dirt on your school...
Camel Tie- the movie. (dirty)
More safety warning signs...
Pain-free way to dump girls.
Adam Sandler's "Inner Voice"
Fidelty injections? Yikes.
Am I bling-bling or not?
A hummer for hippies!
Eight years later...
"Watch My Old House"
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My parents are out of town and I have to take care of my dog. These are funny conversations I would have with my dog if he were a belligerent human.
Amir: Chico what do you want for breakfast?
Chico: Nothing, asshole.
Amir: Chico, now come on, you have to eat something, You didn’t eat dinner last night, mom’s gonna get pissed at me.
Chico: I SAID NOTHING OKAY LEAVE ME ALONE *chico turns on his gameboy*
Amir: Chico come here.
Chico: leave me alone okay? *burp*
Amir: Chico, is that booze on your breathe?
Chico: No. go away.
Amir: Come here. *grabbing him by the collar bringing him towards me*
Chico: Let go of me! I was on level two of Castlevania!!
Amir: Lick my face.
Chico licks amir’s face.
Amir: Well, that was fucking adorable, but there’s rum on your breathe.
Chico runs upstairs.
Amir: I know where you’re going! You can’t hide Chico!
2 hours later...
Amir: Chico come here I have a doggy treat for you!
Chico: Alright alright, gimme two minutes.
Amir: Chico? Are you smoking in there?
Chico: Umm… no?
Amir: Open this door right now chico!
Chico: Gimme like, 2 minutes dude, I swear.
Amir opens door, Chico is standing by the window smoking a joint.
 Amir: Unbelievable! Chico! Put down that marijuana cigarette!!
Chico: (on phone) Hey hold on a sec, my DAD just walked in the room.
Amir: Okay, that is UNFAIR.
Chico: (hanging up fone) Yah well its true! Lighten up, ass. *chico waves the smoke away with his paw*
3 hours later...
Amir: Chico, I have to take you on a walk at least twice a day.
Chico: Alright, but can we do it after Celebrity Poker Showdown?
Amir: Okay but don’t ruin this episode for me, I haven’t watched it, I like to watch them all the way through.
Chico: Alright, Jesus, just give me twenty minutes and we’ll go walk.
Amir: Fine, just call me.
20 mins later...
Chico: Yeah! I’m ready.
Amir: Alright lets go.
Chico: Jeneane Garafalo won.
Amir: Youre a fucking dick, you know that?
Bedtime...
Chico: Hey Amir
Amir: Yeah Chico?
Chico: I know I come across as a real belligerent human sometimes, but I don’t mean it.
Amir: That’s okay. Sometimes I come down a little hard on you too.
Chico: Well, I guess we can both agree to disagree!
Amir: You’re shitting on my bed.
THE END. The moral of the story is: threefold.
Not too much news to report. But don't miss these SUPER-HOT HOTLINKS. There's funny stuff in there, like this commercial! (warning: contains wang touchin'). TTYL's!
If soccer players looked like this, America would be more into it. (nudity)
According to Vogue magazine, borderline racism is in this season.
Roses are red, violets are blue, bid and win and get a poem too!
Kind of like emo girls with webcams, but they're hot. (pornish)
Need a DD? Heres a tip: Don't get one who needs a dog to see.
Girl not wanna go out again? Send her an invoice for dinner.
More from the "Don't share your pictures folder" department.
What could be the result of hours of boredom in math class.
Alien cow invasion- shoot everything! Retro arcade style...
Cool squirrel video from Michigan. Damn squirrels!
Dude who does handstands just about everywhere.
Should the US fear these invading sheep? (game)
A bunch of short videos- vote for your favorite...
The ducks were saved!!! (see pic in last update)
Eminem's censored mooning at the MTV awards.
Reviews of 80's commercials (watch them too)
Some Girl's website. Weird yet hot. (nudity?)
The "Let's Get Jewish" shirt is totally killer.
Check out the chest on this (male?) model...
Lots and lots (and lots) of pics of hot girls.
"Next time it snows this is what I'm doing."
An F1 driver gives it some stick. (movie)
99 pictures of Jenny McMcarthy, anyone?
How the bulldozer guy planned it all...
Cameraphone blog dedicated to cleavage.
Dedicated to eliminating the CAPSLOCK.
A list of life's unanswered questions.
Ben Affleck lookin' like a drunk Dad.
Tell Katherine something. She cares.
1,000 Terms for Male Masturbation.
Badass clip. And mysterious too...
Is this a tube top or a belt?
Video snippits from Amir!
Pissers across the country.
Is this women delusional?
Museum of weird limos.
Hilarious Band Names
A song... about AIM.
What Muppet are you?
LED mirror. Rad.
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