The Plastic Cat » Archive » 10.06.04

10.06.04 | The Onyx Hotel

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I'm still recovering from what was perhaps the raunchiest weekend of my life, & I'm not even going to mention what took place in the hotel room. While I was asleep. The raunchy remainder was provided by pearly-toothed garter-wearing cigarette-smoking Timberlake-cheating ex-virgin ex-Disney clubber divorcee Brrritney Spears.

If the aura of fame & unimaginable wealth pulsating from the stage was not enough, Britney managed to wow us all (especially the little fat girl in front of me), with her CD-quality vocals, erotically charged dance routines & bass-player matchmaking skills. Although she tossed off an occasional Ireland-specific comment, Britney flew the flag for globalisation by offering us an identical product to the one she delivered to a group of Pashtun militants in a small settlement on the outskirts of Afghanistan in the mid-90s.

Britney's climax came toward the end of our stay at the Onyx Hotel, where male dancers in Y-fronts touched their crotchular areas in time with the music while silhouetted couples performed indescribably filthy acts upon one another. "So where are you from?", the host asked a little girl in the front row. "England", she replied, to be met with a chorus of boo's and jeers from the audience. Hopefully, we are now that bit closer to a united Ireland, thanks to Britney.

As we were checking out of the Onyx Hotel, Britney fled the stage, to agree to act as midwife for the birth of Julia Roberts' twins (live at the Oscars), to assist Angelina Jolie in the digging of botox repositories for Iraqi celebrities living in LA and to donate gold-plated shopping trolleys for Beverly Hills' first Tesco.

Celebrities spotted: Brian from Big Brother, one of the guys from Queer as Folk, an ex member of a failed Irish pop band.

Celebrities telephoned at 4am in the morning: An ex member of a failed Irish pop band.