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Astrid's LiveJournal Entries

Astrid

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[26 Aug 2002|03:16pm]

[ mood | disappointed ]

Dunno what's goin on with my father.
Personally, I don't care. How can he talk to me like nothing happened?
Apparently he isn't as concerned about this subject as I am.
Oh well, wouldn't expect him to be.
So Arlie.. we've been talking a lot lately. And he said something that really struck me
in a good way. "What, you don't think you matter to me?"
Talking to him makes me feel better. I went from bawling lunatic to calm and collected in less than an hour
with him around.
I miss John terribly. I need to get to Bowling Green somehow.
I wonder how David's doing. I bet he's good, doing his Jewish thing and whatnot.
I sure do miss him, a lot, also. Runts are so peculiar tasting.
I've lost three pounds so far.. 130 to 127. I'm going for 115, again. If I can get down to 100.. man.
That'd be pleasant.

Um, so I've decided to change. And I don't know what into, yet, but a change will occur.
Sigh.
It's sad that difference is impossible. It's also sad that humans are so jacked up that they just can't accept one another for who they are.

Oh well, that's how it's always been, that's how it'll always be. Hate overrules love.
What a shame.

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[25 Aug 2002|02:35pm]

I hate my father so much.
I was supposed to go clothes shopping today, as a continuum to my birthday.. I drove my father and me to the mall and the first place we went was Hot Topic.. I saw this cute Rainbow Brite tshirt and he gives me this funny look and goes 'we're looking for SCHOOL clothes now.' And I told him that I'd wear it to school, and he gives me this fucking 'well you're a SENIOR now and we're going to get you something NICE to wear.' He fucking told me to go to american eagle... you can bet your ass everyone in there gave me the funniest look like, what the hell's a little freak girl doing in our store?? So I left. And he asked me what was with the attitude, and I told him that I wasn't about to conform to society just because I was a senior and suddenly I'm supposed to have all this maturity and responsibility, because you know those things come from the kind of clothes that you wear. And after that, I just didn't want to be there. We've been through shit like that before, he's always right, I'm always wrong, say one thing to try and defend myself and I get threatened. So I said fuck it, we're leaving. And in the car, he went on with this stupid ass nonsense about how I need to grow up and not be a 'teenybopper' anymore.. just what the fuck is that supposed to mean? And then when I try to retort, when I try to tell him that it's not all about clothes, he screams at me for having an attitude. Attitude my fucking ass, he just can't stand the idea that HE'S WRONG. It shouldn't BE all about how people look. (I so fucking wish my father was like some of the parents I know, who actually stick up for their kids for being individual. Oh, like my mother.) I have short, orange hair, OH FUCKING SHIT! I MUST BE SATAN'S LOVECHILD!! Well fuck me, I guess I'm screwed for the rest of my life BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT. WHAT THE FUCK??? My own fucking goddamned father is doing to me what I've been given SO MUCH ALREADY BY PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW. I'm not good enough for ANYONE, apparently. Not even my "daddy". I don't have a father anymore. I hate him.
So what? Am I supposed to rip out my piercings? Grow my hair out long and dye it "a nice natural color"? Lose 30 pounds? Then will I be his little girl? Should I have to??
I've never, ever in my life been so hurt as I am now. Nothing any boy could ever say break my heart as much as that man did after one hour. I assure you, he'd rather have no daughter at all than me, the orange-haired pierced freak. That's all I am.
I CAN'T PLEASE ANYONE. I HATE MY FUCKING LIFE. I can't be happy. I'm so goddamned fucking depressed, and apparently nobody's taking me seriously when I say I'M ABOUT TO GO ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I'm about to lose my fucking mind, folks. I don't know what I'm supposed to do, ever. God. All I need is a fucking gun.
I swear to God, if I ever get my hands on a gun, I'm going to blow my fucking brains out.

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[21 Aug 2002|01:40am]

[ mood | giddy ]

Errrrrrrrrr.
So, I don't know. I think my anxiety may be relapsing, but I really, REALLY hope that's not happening.
And.. yeah.
Yawn.
Band show tonight. Me and Lauren waved at this cute bleach-blonde no-hat kid.
Yeah.
Band show tomorrow night, too. Home. Putka's gonna try and find me. *Beams*

Aw. Stroble. I like him.
He's not like most freshman.
Hmmmm.
Look:

Me: You're cute.
Him: thanks
Him: you are too

Awwwww.
Okay, enough of this. I'm giddy.

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[21 Aug 2002|01:31am]

To show, or not to show...

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[20 Aug 2002|01:07am]

Since WHEN do I have so many boy issues? With so many boys? Why is this happening?
I more or less demanded that Stroble go to homecoming with me. And he said he felt stupid because he didn't ask ME, and then he called me kinky. Ha ha.
And then, I talk to Brian Putka for an hour and some, and call him pretty, and give him my number..

Oi!
And Dave lied out of his ass, or maybe he didn't, and his friend's hitting on me, and I don't know what to doooo.
I want to go back to being little shy nobody girl, ahhh!
But I do like Brian. And I just love Stroble.
AUUUUGH! I LOVE JOHN TOOO!
This is ridiculous. I'm never getting married.

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[18 Aug 2002|08:58pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

Ohhh, damn.
Onions. What a kid.
First off, he's opinionated as fuck*.
He's extremely biased against EVERYTHING and its mother.
He likes to talk shit, he's conceited, he curses more than I do, but I don't really mind.
And that kind of irks me.
He's not rude, really. He's to the point, he doesn't beat around the bush.
He's honest and open.
He more or less tells it how it is.
But he's also one of the funniest people I know.
He's sarcastic and he doesn't make fun of my quirks, although he made fun of my OUC picture.
He's disgustingly charming and completely unattainable and in a band.
And he can sing.
And I think, just maybe, that I like him.
But it won't happen. He's devoted to his band. Besides, he's had plenty of girlfriends,
I don't want to be another statistic. Or maybe I do...
So he got me at six, and we drove around, went to his bank, listened to emo/punk music,
he made fun of my indierock friends, I called him an asshole.
We went to Chapel Hill, I forgot it closed early on Sunday. He made fun of me,
I called him an asshole again.
Came back to Kent, went to Ming Ching, or something, had some fine Chinese American cuisine,
and then we drove around some more while he tried to pick up chicks and I tried to pick up guys,
all the while laughing and making fun of each other.
I'm in his %15 Kent-liking range, which is a good thing.

Aw, damnit.
Damn you, Dave, you asshole.

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[18 Aug 2002|02:50pm]

I hate driving. I don't want to talk about it.

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Both of them laughing and jumping as if they could reach to the sky... [18 Aug 2002|03:54am]

[ mood | gloomy ]

Well, David's leaving and I'm not quite sure how to feel.
I mean, I'm extremely sad, right?
He took me home while everyone else stayed at the August 17th bash..
Cops came, $100 noise violation. Sigh.
I'm either going to Six Flags with Joey or to Alliance with Officer Onions..
We'll see how mum's feeling.
I want to drive tomorrow. Actually, I drove Krissy's car to and from Helena's
from the Ono Box.. a good two miles both ways. Not a lot, but seeing as how
this was my second day driving, fourth time...
I'm rather getting comfortable with it all.
It'll be no time before I'm driving about all myself without having to
worry about pissing people off.
Why is everyone hooking up and staying hooked up besides me?
Let's see.. there's Andy and Helena, Yatsu and Krissy, Catherine and Scott, Sam and his woman, Tony (!!!) and his woman, Dave and his Kara, Sam and her boy, Alan and his woman, Danny and Emily, Zach and Charlotte, Charlie and his woman, Sam and Jessica.. everyone and their fucking mother is with someone and then there's me. The "girl that floats". Did I already mention how the tables turned?
Did I also happen to mention that I love David and I miss him terribly? Well, I'm mentioning it now.
There's so much I wish I would have done with David.. his movie, more times at Brady's, more places to go, people to see.. but he'll be back, right? Yeah. He will be.
My stomach's acting funny.
Oh well. So I'm definitely taking a break from the Ono Box/Cherry St. gang. Too much for me to handle.
I don't feel needed among them, so I'll make myself discreet. They won't mind. It's not like they'll
even notice anyway.
Good.. Lord.. tired.
I love my car. It's a cerulean blue Ford Contour. I need to think of a name for it.
I miss David so much.
So, I've decided that my match is two hours away. That's happened twice now.
Hopefully happy things come out of me and Officer Onions. He's a cool kid.
Saw God-like Brian Watkin's today, and he was social! And I asked him since when did he became social,
and he asked me back when was I ever not social, and I told him all the time.
And it's true. He like, never talked. And Danny and Joe Wild (whom I've not seen since fourth grade) got into a big screaming I'm going to kick your ass fuck you here let me beat you with a lamp fight, so me and Joey went to the brain. I hate fights.
Joey's kind of cool. I wonder what lil' Strobes' screen name is. What a cute kid.
I'm needing of sleeping. Yeeeeah.

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Aw. [17 Aug 2002|05:24pm]

Ethan's the cutest kid I've ever seen in my life.
Stupid.. Massachusetts..

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Farewell, Dave-o. [17 Aug 2002|05:08pm]

[ mood | drained ]

Another chapter of my life, another friend off to find the true meaning of self.
David's off to Israel and we're all scared for his life.
Bad things seem to be happening all over the world; they seem to be concentrated
in the region with religious disputes the most. But he'll be back.
We'll still be scared.
I own a freshman now; his older brother graduated the same year as Sean and Krissy.
His name's Daniel. He's the damned cutest thing I've ever seen.
His upper-arm, however, is almost the size of my wrist. He looks seven.
If he were two feet taller, 100 pounds heavier, and his voice lowered two octaves, it'd be love.
I can wait a few years... heh heh.
Anything else? I saw Brian Putka (insert lusty noise here). He's so beautiful and.. so much
resembling his older brother. I require him also.
Hmmm.
Mike's so cute.
I have a thing for guys named John/Jon.
And Mike. And things like that.
I'm off.. gotta make a card, gotta drink the rum, gotta get a job.

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[09 Aug 2002|02:10pm]

Yawn, sneeze.
So, yeah. I don't know what's going on.
I've decided.. no, I've been forced to take a break from my friends.
And that's okay, I suppose. Too much of a good thing, I guess.
So, yeah. It seems as though my and Krissy's problems are similar.
Which is funny because we're both living two extraordinarly different lives.
Well, maybe not so much so.
But, yeah. Guess what I am now? I'm the girl who just floats.
And again, the tables turn.
I hate when people assume I don't appreciate the things they do for me.
And I also when when people think I'm taking them for granted. So I'll have a job in a week, getting my temps tomorrow, and then no more asking for favors. I'll pay everyone back for their kindness, and then I'll go along on my own. I don't mind walking, you know.
Just takes longer. I can deal with that.
And it's odd, Audrey and Krissy both thought that I used them as a chauffeur. I guess I didn't say "thank you" loud enough.
So I'm out of a group again. I must really seriously be a problem to the world. I can't stay in with a group for more than six months, it seems. Oh well. I'll be back in highschool in three weeks, and I won't be at the Ono Box or Cherry street house anymore. I'm sure nobody will miss me.
I don't care, really. Because I don't mind being alone. It just takes time to adjust to. But it's posible, I've proven that before. I'm thinking of selling my MM ticket and just paying Helena and Krissy back, because I don't know if I want to go or not anymore. Technically, I wasn't supposed to go to begin with. I think the only reason they wanted me to go was because they pitied me. Oh well, no real big loss there.

Fuck. I hate being lonely, and you all know that.
But I AM lonely, again. I'm unable to like people who return the feeling, and when I do, they live hours away.

I need a cigarettes. I'm crying again. I miss the way things were before it was all muddled my romance and
drunken mishaps. I realize it needed to be out of our systems, but it's not just something I can pretend
never happened.

Oh, god. I've screwed up so much.
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I can't help but like who I like.
I can't help it that I liked Yatsu and I'm sad because he, like so many others, is completely out of reach.
I'm trying to be happy because you, and he, got what you both wanted.
And I'm trying to smile, because you're both happy.
But I'm so sad.
And I'm sorry.

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[04 Aug 2002|11:25pm]

[ mood | blank ]

[ music | Portishead: "I don't want to hurt you..." ]

Oh god, I'm so stressed out right now.
The Krissy situation is completely awkward, and I should have seen that coming.
I'm not going to fuck up anymore. I'm tired of my sanity deteriorating before my eyes..
it all would have just been fine had I placed restrictions. But here I am, and it's all terrible.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore. It feels as though I'm only really happy when I'm
inebriated, which points to alcoholism. But I'm fucking seventeen years old.. I can't be an alcoholic.
There's no way my fucking brain should allow me to depend on yet another substance.

I don't fucking know how I'm going to get to band practice tomorrow at 12:30.
Oh god, I just want to scream so loudly.
And I want to bawl my eyes out and then get all the bad energy out, and feeling left in control and smiling.
But it doesn't work like that. Why, why why why do I feel like this??
And I can't barely even talk to my psychologist. I can't be honest with him like I need to be honest with someone. And he's a fucking PSYCHOLOGIST. I need help so fucking badly, I can only keep myself going for so long. Like I've said five million times before, I'm not a strong person.
I give up so easily, and honestly, the only thing that's keeping me alive right this second is my fear of death. I'm living off of fear.. how novel it sounds.

I require this outlet to just let steam off, and it's no where. It's not in my friends, in my family, in my psychologist, and I know they're all trying, but nothing's working.
I'm so terribly emotionless right now. I'll go shower, draw, pass out.
I loathe band.

What am I doing wrong? What can I possibly do to take myself out of this depression?
I need to find out right quick. I need answers.

I need to feel happiness without beer.

I miss John.

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I NEED OPINIONS! [04 Aug 2002|05:32pm]

[ mood | restless ]

Hello, all.
Okay, well, as planned, bandcamp is just a week away. I need to learn a song to sing for the talent show that's held every year. I've sung all three years previous, so it's sort of my little tradition. My freshman year, I sang Angel by Sarah McLachlan. Sophomore, Fly me to the Moon, and Junior, Psycho by POE. But now I need something new. I want to sing something up-beatish with girly vocals.. something I can have super-big fun with. Any suggestions? Thanks!

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[04 Aug 2002|04:13pm]

[ music | Flaming Lips: "...one more robot learns to feel..." ]

Yeah, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.
So I'm sure you're all getting tired of hearing about my
different-boy-a-week pattern, but screw you. I'm fucking fickle, and very well aware.

GAH!
So the Bowling Green trip was fun. And hot as all of hell. But it was so much worth it.
I drank way too much, but not once did I vomit. I am still such the master.
I felt slightly carsick, which is very peculiar, because I don't commonly get carsick.
Oh well. Still didn't puke, woo!

"Rooooooooooooooo!"
"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeew!"
"Bah!"

Yeah. So. I met this kid; his name's John. I have so many run-ins with Johns. Ha ha.
Anyway, oi. He looks like, aw shit, that one kid from Malcolm in the Middle. The older brother.. Francis.
Except John, well, he's so much beautiful. And not once during the whole seven hours we spent glued to each other did I sit and think, hmm, I'm having doubts about this.
But he lives in Bowling Green, and I live in Ohio. AND HE'S MY AGE!
And he sings in a band, and plays guitar in a band, and he loves Bjork and knows of Fleming and John, and his friend tattood a small star on his hand with a pen and a needle, and I did too, and his favorite color's green and mine's blue and when blue and green mix it makes turquoise, and we both like turquoise, and there's more! Let me think.. we both love Mest and TSL, we both totally want to be rockstars, death's our biggest fear, and we're really not fond of spiders. There's plenty more, but I'm unable to think of such things right now.

But I have a dilemma. In her super-drunken state, Helena revealed to me that Yatsu likes me. If you said "shit!", you're so correct. Why now? Why right now? God, damn it all. I still totally dig Yatsu, he's still the fucking coolest guy I know.
Damn it all, twice.
I'm so hungry.. aauughhhh.

I know my parents are trying to help me, but I'm so tired of them trying to "convince" me I don't need meds. Okay, look here, I'm trying really hard to ween myself away from Lorazepam, and I'd say I've gotten pretty fucking far, but I'd just feel so much more comfortable if I had some, especially at bandcamp. But noooo, my fucking other psychologist is on fucking vacation, and he won't be back until the 13th. HOW FUCKING CONVENIENT! So the parents didn't call the psychologist even though I asked them over and over every day, and I tried to get the number so I could just do it myself but it was nowhere. And now look, I'm totally unable to get meds, and what if I have another super-big panic attack at, say, bandcamp? What can I do? Absolutely nothing.
I hate that. People who need drugs should fucking be able to get drugs.
Oh, but you don't need drugs, yeah, I've heard it before.
Oh well. I'm getting over it. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK!!

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[01 Aug 2002|04:48pm]

[ mood | silly ]

'allo, all.
no shift key today, for i'm dyeing my hair weee!

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[30 Jul 2002|04:05am]

Eurggghhhh!!

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[30 Jul 2002|04:05am]

[ mood | lonely ]

Well shit, I didn't mean for that to happen.
Anyway, as I was saying, eeeeuuurrrrgh! (Doontihch! Doontihch!)
I'm sad right now.
I try to be nice, and I get bitched at. So I left.
And Yatsu took me to Charlie's, and we jammed like real musicians, yeah.
"Imagine me and you, I do, I think about you day and night, it's only ri-i-ight..."
Anyway, la. Blah, also. Bllaeerrghhh.

I'm so bad about conveying my emotions. So sometimes I just don't.
And apparently this is bad thing, yargh.

"If I should call you up, invest a dime..."
I wish calls were only a dime now. They're what? Like 55 cents? Inflation!

"I can't see me lovin' nobody but you for all my li-i-ife!"
So you'll never guess what song I've got stuck in my head right now.

"Hot angle of the wang's dangle;
it's the hot hexagon love triangle."

We're going to be the next big thing, I'm fucking TELLING you. Oh, jesus. Please tell me yesterday was Monday...
I have to call Ebsco tommorow and see if they're going to hire me or not. I really hope they do, because I'm in need of big spending. And I owe people like five million dollars. Hum.

Also, I need a new wardrobe. So.
I had this whole big amazing list of things I needed to buy when I get a job, but,
I forgot most of the things that were on the list. Oops.

"So drink your coffee and forget my name,
I'll drink my beer and do just the same."

I have a headache. Mmmmewww. I don't like headaches.
So we're going to BG, woop woop. A party, I guess, wee.
That is, if I'm still invited. Sigh.

I CAN'T SEE ME LOVING NOBODY BUT YOU FOR ALL MY LIFFFFFFE.

I need this song out of my head! Auugh!!

I ate fishsticks.. that's allowed, right? Speaking of eating, I think I'll go get me some eats.
That's enough squander for this evemorning.

(Words I've never used in this livejournal:
Obtuse, malpractice, discombobulated, summoner, anti-Semitic, diaper, diaphragm, diereses... more to come)

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Stretch, yawn. [29 Jul 2002|04:30am]

[ mood | blah ]

Alan's going away. That's sad.
So.
Lightning storm was pretty. I was out in the rain.
I'm not fond of lightning or thunder, to those who don't know me well.
I'm like Rikku.. huh huh.. in the Thunder Plains.. huh.
Anyway. It's not MY fault I don't like thunder and lightning.
I mean, is it so wrong not to want to be struck by lightning? Apparently so.
Oh well.
Yawn.
Anxiety flair a little lately. Sort of have that disconnected feeling.
Nothing I can't tackle. I suppose. Sneeze!
Eugh, midsummer allergies. Yeah, two months of freedom has up and left me already.
How depressing.
But after school's over and I graduate, I'm moving into an appartment with
Helena and Andy. Hopefully I'll have a significant other by then, but it's
highly doubtful, seeing as how I don't have a soulmate counterpart. La la la.
Anyway, it'll be all fine and dandy as long as I have earplugs.. huh huh.

This is the first night in nearly a week that I didn't get my drink on.
And there was beer in the vicinity!
Actually, I left Alan's going away party somewhat abruptly, because
I didn't feel welcome. Actually, it was more or less that I was simply annoyed.
I don't like when people are rude to me. Especially people who I care for and
am trying to help through things.
So, I left. I said goodbye to Sean and his boyfriend and I went.
It hurt my feelings, by the way.

Blah.
So sleepy.
I'm addicted to FFX. It's seriously the first FF I've been hooked on. I think I
might actually work to beat it, huh huh. The concept is easy to grasp. At least,
for an idiot like me.
Ohhh man, does a couch or a bed sound good right about now.
I've been sleeping out in the livingroom for about a month now. Hmm.
There must just be some sort of problem with my bedroom.. I guess not having a bed
makes me uncomfortable. Or something. I still want that super-hip loft bed sort of deal.
Yeah.
And I want an appartment with Helena and Andrew.

Dearie, the poor Danny.. he's kind of ghetto-licious like. But he's generally a good person.
Besides his racism problem which I would strongly urge to correct, and
all of that, he can be cool. He called me "Hot Ass" yesterday.
He was also very drunk and, consequentially, puked on the front step of the house.
All over the place. Beautiful.
So, shit the bed. I dunno what to do or what to say to redeem myself, or whatever.
I always manage to piss people off although I'm trying my best to be low-key.
It doesn't work, so, shit. I'll just go with the flow. I don't care if people are pissed at me right now.
They'll get over it, because I did nothing wrong.
God. I sound like such the bitch.
I'm allowed to be the bitch right now, goddamnit! Arrrgh! I didn't do anything!

And god, I just realized how seperated I feel from my parents. It's so odd.
I mean, I've always loved my parents, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I feel like
the only reason that I love them is because I'm obliged to; because they gave me life.
But I don't WANT to feel that way. Sometimes I just do.
Fucking.. just going through life. It's seriously honestly turning out to be more of
a struggle than I thought was possible. I'm thinking I'm too young to be feeling
these kinds of emotions and what have you.
I'd like to go back to my freshman year. Seriously. It was so peaceful and nonchalant.
I was starting over and meeting new people and everyone was just so damn cool.
God, how I hate change.

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