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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
daelyn's LiveJournal:
| Saturday, February 21st, 2004 | |||
| 3:17 pm | =Loved and lost, or never loved at all? Which would you prefer? -I'm not sure I can answer this. It may be too much truth for me to handle on a Saturday morning. Or any morning for that matter. It's pretty much a really raw wound. I feel badly. Karma is in balance though. I think I've had to have been the losing party enough by now to make up for what happened to C. I can never stop feeling guilty about that, although I have moved on with my life. It wasn't fair what happened to him. It wasn't fair what happened to me either, but human beings are either incredibly fickle, or incredibly stubborn and selfish, and therefore love often fails. Not always, though. And I did love, even though I lost. I can close my eyes and remember things so precious to me I can feel, taste and touch. Sometimes I'll ride the bus and smell the shampoo or cologne of one of my past lovers and find myself frighteningly disoriented for a moment. It's as though a big invisible hand reaches down and grabs you and just pulls you slightly out of alignment with the world for a moment. It's scary but it's not a bad thing. Just kind of...unnerving. So yes, I may say immediately after the fact (like on Wednesday past) that I will never ever allow myself to feel like that again. I will hold myself like a fortress, tight shut and impermeable, but it doesn't really mean much. Because I am HUMAN and I am weak. And even the assholes can learn something from my compassion, as well as my pain, I hope. I always have hope in the Pandora's box of my heart. | ||
| 3:39 am | MARCH: Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others.
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| 3:16 am | I really hate it when people reject you for an ideal that is unattainable. That is devastatingly horrible. | ||
| 2:49 am | This is SO cool. | ||
| 1:47 am |
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| 1:20 am | More =If you disappeared today, who would be affected? -I don’t think anyone would miss me, except my mother. I remember how she said sometimes that the only thing that kept her going after my dad died was me. There is a sort of comfort I guess, in the rhythms of taking care of someone who is utterly dependent on you. I think she would be really lost. But not completely. Not in the sense that she would have been if I had disappeared when it was just us. She has more people she’s interlinked with now. She’s got a web to catch her. My brother and my stepfather are there, and they are so closely woven with us that it’s hard to tell where one relationship ends and the other starts off. Yeah, I guess you could say we’re a close family. They would miss me too of course. I guess my brother would be pretty devastated. He sort of idol worships me. Mom was laughing because when he came here to study for his grade nine exams (first big exams ever) he went back home and was so nice and courteous. He’s a great kid. So my brother AND my mother and of course my stepdad would miss me. I’m not so sure about my friends, and lovers. I can never tell with them where they are as far as I’m concerned. I have this paranoia that when I leave the room I cease to exist for them, or vice versa. Like we close a door and suddenly they just carry on with normal life, leaving the reprieve of our togetherness behind them. Hey, I like that, “The reprieve of our togetherness”. Sounds a bit purple prose but cool nonetheless. I can use that. Okay, they would miss me, but would they miss me, or just the great umm...sex. Not sure. I’ll have to keep an eye out and maybe ask them how they think it would affect them. Might be interesting. I do care for them, but there’s that little flaw in my inner workings that makes me wonder, always, if they wouldn’t leave me if the next best thing came along. And then who would be the one disappearing? | ||
| 12:58 am | Exploration Okay, tough questions. =What do I want? -I want to be happy. I want to be successful. I want security. I want comfort and love. I want to be challenged. I want to not feel so vague about what I want. I guess I really don't spend enough time thinking about this. Really. Wow. That's scary. =What do I need? -Above and beyond what I want? It's so hard to figure that out. Obviously I need food, and water and shelter. I need to have self-respect. I don't think that's a want, that's definitely a need. Interesting that that came up. =Why is it so interesting? -I guess I think I'm being overly dramatic. I don't like to draw attention to myself, even if it's my own attention. It's not nice. It's self-centred. I try to spend as much time as possible helping others. Okay, that's bullshit. =Why is it bullshit? -Well of course it's valid, and I think it's really important to be helping others and try to be nice, and try not to do things out of spite. But sometimes when you look at it from the outside it's all so trite. =But we're getting away from that whole subject of what do I want? -Well I talk about a lot of things, going back to school, getting my own apartment, but do I ever DO them? Not likely. I keep seeing walls where there might not even be any. =Good point, so the walls are maybe of my own creation. -Anything is possible. It wouldn't be the first time I had set a boundary for myself. To keep myself 'safe'. Maybe I should take up skydiving or something. =Hardly. Talk about taking things to extremes. I am SUCH a drama queen. -Well, okay, I deserved that. I think this is rapidly turning into a competition of wits between myself, and not what it was set out to be. =Is it too hard? -Yes it's too hard. It's too hard to make these decisions. I always need more time, and I can't handle the pressure I put on myself. =Is it the pressure you put on yourself or something outside? -Maybe there's some REASON why I feel like I need to achieve something more. I don't know that anyone has consciously gone out and said I should do something more, I think it's more a case of, "Oh Daelyn, you're so bright, you COULD do so much more with your life". =So it's sort of a put down to what you've actually accomplished. -I guess so. =Why do you let it get to you? Are you happy with how things are? -I really like the job I am in now. I finally have a boss who gives me credit when credit is due, takes my ideas, tells me if they're worth working with, and if they are, we go with it. I feel like, nurtured or something. I feel like I can do something useful and be appreciated. I have always liked jobs where I felt useful, like I could help people, and this one has that added intellectual stimulation and laid back atmosphere as well. I am really happy today because for the last couple of weeks I have pushed myself and I feel like I am really getting up to speed. Like I'm accomplishing as much as the other report coordinators, like I am understanding the evaluators enough to sort of know what they need worked on, I know where their weak spots are and I can be efficient and proficient. It's like...smooth, cold, efficient, and the finished product is better because I've worked on it. Not cold in a bad way, just cold in a smooth kind of slick and pared down way. | ||
| Sunday, January 18th, 2004 | |||
| 9:58 pm | Strange I've been having the strangest dreams lately, dreams with vaguely dirty sexual content about people I probably shouldn't have those thoughts about (and don't ask, I don't plan on elaborating). How sick is that? I think perhaps I'm eating the wrong things before I go to bed. I suppose any inspiration is better than no inspiration even if it is perverse. And it probably has something to do with the feelings, if I forget to take my meds for a day or two now it seems like there's a degree of clarity there I'd forgotten was even possible. I am tossed on these waves of something I can't control. I guess it's sort of scary, but at the same time, it's novel, it's something beyond the every day boring routine I've slotted myself into. I even cherish the lonely agony and the dark thoughts of being a solitary being for as long as there is. I suppose it's all I can expect, given the limitations that people place on themselves. It seems they cannot look beyond what they have been told to be, do, etc. I mean if a guy has been molded into a player, a player he shall be. Or a girl who's afraid to pass the threshold into a new day, and leave behind the echoes of a day long and well past. Hey, that even applies to myself. All these traps and snares we weave for ourselves. We think they are to protect ourselves, but they rather just keep us inside. They don't let us reach our true potential, which I suspect is far beyond what our 'caged' minds can imagine. Okay so maybe I'm completely tripping here, but it's worth a thought, isn't it? Maybe it's just the bad cheese I had the other day. Hrm. | ||
| Saturday, January 10th, 2004 | |||
| 1:16 am | Do you ever get the feeling that you're really alone and you're getting old and ugly, and you're a failure. You see something, that looks like a way forward, something so precious to you, and you can't find the words to say how precious. So you try and hold onto it, and the harder you hold it, the more it slips away. And so you try again, and again, and every time, the harder you try, the more...it just recedes. I loved, I loved so hard, and it hurt me, it ripped a chunk of flesh out of me and I can't ever get it back from him. Not that I begrudge him that. I would have done anything for him. So I'm starting over, I'm trying to be 'strong' and 'maintain my distance' and it's killing me. I've got these amazing new people in my life and I'm SO terrified of being wounded again I can't be serious. I feel like I'm hitting some sort of glass wall. Sometimes there's a wall for them too. A big one. God, this sucks. Why does it have to hurt so much? When the fuck do I get to be OVER him, and over the idea of the love that never existed between us? | ||
| Monday, November 17th, 2003 | |||
| 11:34 pm | it would be really nice and very convenient... If I could be madly and hopelessly in love with someone when they were ALSO madly and hopelessly in love with me at the same time. Does this even HAPPEN? Heck I know that's unrealistic, I'd even be happy to be reasonably in love with someone who also reasonably fancied me in an emotional sense. I am really getting tired of being in purely physical relationships that aren't GOING anywhere. Just because I'm poly doesn't mean I don't want serious relationships that MEAN something!!! | ||
| Saturday, November 15th, 2003 | |||
| 12:20 am | ARGGGGGGH!!! Okay, I have pretty bad coughing asthma. Meaning, when I'm up all night coughing, I should probably be in emergency. People don't 'get' coughing asthma, and think it's way less severe than what people think of as asthma, the wheezy kind. Let me tell you, it's no less scary to feel like you're drowning in your own phlegm constantly, than it is to feel your airways closing. A few months ago I got laid off from my past job, and have had to pay approximately $135 every two months for my antidepressant/antianxiety drug (I have this vicious cycle going on with anxiety and asthma...it's a joy), and tonight I just paid $91 for an inhaler that keeps me out of the hospital ($3000 a day approximately) for two months.... WTF is going on here? Why doesn't OHIP cover preventative medicine so they DON'T HAVE TO PAY for my hospital visits. If the asthma doesn't get me, the coughing till I puke all night and giving myself an irreversible anxiety attack will get me into emerg. Last time I was there for eight hours with NOONE there. It was horrible, but that's beside the point. I'm barely making ends meet, I mean SERIOUSLY, at my last job, even with the benefits I was almost always going into credit, and now with no benefits the struggle becomes even harder. I can't help feeling a little upset about this. | ||
| Monday, November 10th, 2003 | |||
| 10:37 pm | And yes, I am very very white. As my friend Rob puts it (paraphrased), I am a Translucent Canadian :D Now as long as all my hair doesn't fall out by tomorrow, I'll be great. | ||
| 10:26 pm | Red Hot.... Or something. It looked like psycho when I rinsed it out.  Current Mood:  pleased | ||
| Wednesday, November 5th, 2003 | |||
| 11:15 am | Thoughts on the bus this morning So what good is poly when you're everyone's second choice? I mean even 'I' never thought of me as a 'first choice' and I don't see that happening in the near future. I consecutively keep getting left in favour of someone else. I just want to be the first choice of at least one person, because that leaves the door open to maybe become monogamous should I decide I want that in the future. I've discussed this with other folks I'm with and I am not getting the vibe that I am their first choice either. It really hurts me more than anything else, and makes me question my own motivations, and my very self, in the sense of 'what is wrong with me that someone else is generally getting chosen over me, or else people won't actually come out and say I'm their first choice for whatever obscure reason'. I am confused. Maybe I am just being whiny, but this troubles me. | ||
| Tuesday, November 4th, 2003 | |||
| 10:35 pm | Dumped Well, I'm not supposed to use the word 'dumped'. Apparently it's too nasty for words. But one of my amours, 'M' has indeed cast me off, in favour of monogamy. It hurts more than it should considering the short duration of our acquaintance. We are still going to be friends, and stuff, but it hurts. At least I have other people who love me to give me hugs and stuff. Even he feels bad, but he really wants this, so I have to respect that. AH well, the weather may have sucked, I may have had to have a cry in the bathroom at work, but my apple pies came out marvelously. A teeny bit brown at the edges due to the overly hot oven, but flaky and delicious, and not too sweet. Now I just have to remember to get up to make the healthy treat thing for work's meeting tomorrow. | ||
| Monday, October 27th, 2003 | |||
| 2:30 pm | I am so confused. Went to I's last night. It was lovely to see him again and I definitely think I'm on better ground insofar as being able to be objective and not so emotionally raw, but I guess I miss the way things were before. I guess that's the next hurdle, now that I have accepted the absence of love, I have to accept the knowledge of the absence of love. Sucks. But we did have some really good cake, and I snuggled with I and with the cat. | ||
| Friday, October 24th, 2003 | |||
| 7:40 pm | Tiiiired. Wow, what a long week. I did get a lot accomplished, almost my quota of 30 reports processed. I kicked the proverbial ass. And I have to go back in tomorrow, but that's my choice. T and I are going to organize the filing cabinets as they are filled with chaos at the moment. Lots of dates this week, though the antibiotics are fucking with my libido majorly so they weren't too exciting. They were very comfortable and snuggly and good though, which is really what I needed more this week. I got spoiled being at home with my mom to take care of me, and then I was sad because of giving up the rabbits (maybe more than I acknowledged initially - I think a little depression surge is happening right now which is also affecting my libido). I am getting cake on Sunday with I, which should be good. I have resolved my mental issues with regards to his status and the limits to that, and I miss him and the Hunter terribly. Rented a few movies tonight, for a week, which should be good. I got Nicholas Nickleby, Rabbit-Proof Fence, and Two Weeks Notice. Oddly, I got home to a note from Jodi saying she wanted to rent movies, so I'll probably watch the Two Weeks Notice one with her tonight and take the other two to watch with I tomorrow. I don't know how much of a Sandra Bullock fan he is. Went to see M on Tuesday night, that was lovely, he cooked me dinner, or rather he chopped it up and I cooked it :D He is the penultimate bachelor, but at least he's very clean, which is wonderful. Was at D's last night. We watched Charlie's Angels with his twin brother who sounds and looks EXACTLY the same. It was very odd to hear that very distinctive laugh in stereo. But D's brother D is very nice. | ||
| Tuesday, October 21st, 2003 | |||
| 10:48 am | Sooo tired this morning at work. Thank goodness I bought a six pack of Diet Pepsi. I think it's the only thing keeping me conscious this morning. I guess I handled the bunnies going fairly well. But I think they are going to a good place. I stayed in bed to an almost scandalous hour this morning though. So much for getting all my make up time done by Wednesday. Ah well, I'm excited to be getting dinner cooked for me tonight. It's always nice to be spoiled. And M is good for that. And sweet too. This week should be fairly relaxed as far as socializing goes, I'm home on Wednesday and Friday, so I'll be able to get caught up on Laundry, room, and cleaning the ants out of the pantry (the ones remaining, anyhow). Jodi cleaned up the cabinets in the bathroom while I was gone for the weekend (tidying without actually throwing anything out - YAY - not like my old roommates) which was great, and I now KNOW everything I have, so now I just need to do that in my pantry and in my room. | ||
| Monday, October 20th, 2003 | |||
| 10:59 pm | Lapin less Well the rabbits' new foster mom came and got them tonight. It was unpleasant, but not so much as I thought. Lillian is very nice and said I could go visit them whenever I liked at her place in Oakville...too bad I don't have a car :D And she said they were obviously very well taken care of and had lots of toys and she was sure if my situation changed I could adopt them back easily. They were happy with all the donations of food and litter I also gave her with them. I feel horribly bad about the fact that I actually feel relieved. My guilt is assuaged finally by the fact that someone will be there as much as they clearly need someone to be there for them (messy lil buggers). I love them dearly but they were just WAY too much for me to handle, and the hay products around the house (and I'm sure Mia was part angora) didn't help my asthma any. I am actually not allergic to rabbits, I've deliberately had the allergist test me for that, but I am violently allergic to grasses....so. It's starting to get damn cold out here these days. Today was my first day back after the 'acute tonsillitis' week. Everyone was great and sooo nice. Such a change from my last job where I'd be getting ulcers as a secondary accompaniment to my main illness just about whether I'd even HAVE a job when I came back. I hate the fact that I am sometimes a sickly person. I feel it really detracts from what a good job I do when I am there and it pisses me off probably even more than it pisses my supervisors off. However, I am trying to make whatever lifestyle changes I can to make this less of a problem in the future. One thing is for sure, I am damn glad this tonsillitis didn't turn into pneumonia again. Apparently once you've had it bad you have a tendency to get it again, especially since with me it turned into asthma. Bleah. I should really start doing more cardio. The pilates are wonderful but they aren't doing anything for my lungs or my heart. | ||
| Thursday, October 16th, 2003 | |||
| 9:54 pm | This week couldn't possibly have been any worse. I've been horribly sick since last Friday from some bug that's given me horrible horrible tonsillitis. And the drugs they gave me to fix it almost make it worse. Also I've had to make the decision to give my bunnies back to the shelter as I've no support in the house to help with them if I ever want to have a night out, and I can't make that compromise. I'm not ready to commit my entire life to two rabbits and noone else. I have never felt so alone as I have this week. Fortunately my friends have been fairly supportive through email and by bringing me soup and stuff last weekend. It's just really hard not to be at work being challenged and interacting with people...sitting at home all day never quite clear on the boundaries between sleep and wake and with a very troubled mind. There is a lot of bitterness in me now. I'm very upset and disappointed with people. But it's not their fault. You can't judge someone based on what you EXPECTED them to do. You can't really judge them at all. You just have to live with all their vagaries and unintended hurts and insults. I hurt. This week I definitely hurt. But tomorrow I'll be with mom and she'll give me soup and hugs and love. I just need someone to tell me it's going to be okay. Next wednesday is going to kill me, having to take the bunnies back to the shelter. | ||