Dude.

Did *anyone* think Van Helsing was a good movie?

So far, the best thing I've heard anyone say about it was that it will make a great "popcorn-and-snarky-comments" movie.

Warning: Spoilers possible in comments. Don't bitch if you make with the clicky and find out that Dracula is actually Luke's father and that Van Helsing is actually a girl pretending to be a guy. Or something like that. ;)

Current Mood: scared

I updated my buring man site.

burning christina

I think I should make an RSS feed of the blog.

Current Mood: creative

So, amusme me a little at the end of the day.

( Take this survey )

Current Mood: curious

I need a zombie icon. Really.

Here are two of my favorite zombie links.
http://www.brains4zombies.com/
http://zombies.insertdisc.com/mattcordes/

And here is my story about the original Dawn Of The Dead:
( Click for brains )

Current Mood: geeky

All this unrestrained criticism has got me thinking.

It's got me thinking about my flaws, the things about myself that I would change.

The trouble is knowing when to stop.

When can you stop feeling like an ugly, rejected failure, and start feeling like a real human being?

Some might point to low self-esteem, and suggest that those that feel less than stellar about themselves being by working on their own self-worth. But really, that's not it.

We spend so much time thinking about our next raise or promotion, our next car/house/television/gadget, the next step in our life. We spend our childhoods working hard at school so that we can get into the right "tracks" in jr. high and high school. We try and make our transcripts as appealing as possible so that we can get into a good college. Lather, rinse, repeat to get into grad school/med school/law school/whatever. When we are done with schooling we focus on advancing our careers. We move to the right city, live in the right neighborhood, wear the right clothes, drive the right car, have the right friends, throw the right party, marry the right person.

And then we fucking die.

When you die, will they talk about your accomplishments? Will they talk about your 4.0 or BMW? Will they talk about that one time that you masterfully lead that tricky meeting where the VP was cranky and the key speaker was late? Will they note how fantastic your credit rating was?

Not a chance.

They will talk about the time they were sick, and you called out of work just to bring them chicken soup. They will share the story about how you picked them up at the restaurant after you date went horribly awry. They will fondly speak of your devastating smile and penchant for knock-knock jokes. They will remember how you held hands JUST RIGHT.

Priorities, people. Priorities.

I am *so* about living my life and having fun and creating great memories. Isn't that better than spending your life trying to live up to expectations that may or may not be yours? Isn't that better than worrying about how proud someone is of you?

Living is more than breathing in and out.

Current Mood: thoughtful

OK. So I'm on a little Harry Potter kick at the moment. So? You'll survive, and I'll get over it.

I knew that they had updated the Hogwarts uniforms for the Prisoner of Azkaban movie. I'd seen the high-res screencaps and noticed differences in the tie and sweater. I also think that the girls now wear skirts. I think they all got to wear pants in the first two movies.

But the sad, sad thing is that the new movie also changes the pattern of the scarves. The colors are also "deeper and more mellow".

So now I am torn on how to proceed with these scarves I am making. Do I try and be up-to-date and make the scarves for the current year? Or do I use the old pattern?

I think I will refer to the books and see if they give any details on how the scarves ought to look.

Yarg! Frustrating!

Current Mood: frustrated

Sunshine, daisies
butter, mellow
turn this stupid
fat rat yellow!

Current Mood: excited

I have *so* much knitting that I need to do.

tbons, ladyimp and I have a very, very important dinner-and-a-movie date on June 4th. My goal is to have all three scarves finished and looking perfect by then.

When I first learned to knit, I remembered thinking that I would have PLENTY of time to get all the scarves knitted that I wanted. Here it is, 34 days before the big day, and I'm ill-prepared.

I haven't anticipated something this much since last summer when we were waiting for the release of the 5th book. What a perfect weekend that was! I remember the night *so* well. We had been all aflutter the whole day with anticipation. We ate a late dinner (or something like it) from Whole Foods, even if Market One was more to our liking. They have the BEST corn bread at Whole Foods, though.

Kids were everywhere. Some dressed as different characters from the books, some clutching toy wands, every one of them grinning from ear to ear. Just like us.

I was as impatient as the kids were. The books were just inside, behind the counter. I mean, we all KNEW they were there. Clerks can be such cruel mistresses, keeping the faithful from thier addictions. Teasing us by reminding us that they alone had control in this scenario.

OK. So that's a little melodramatic. But FUCK! I wanted my Harry Potter!

During late 2002-late 2003, I didn't sleep much. Lots of time on the phone, on the internet, doing anything but sleeping. This weekend was no exception. Only this time, the lights were on, and we were reading. Pixel taking turns curling up on us.

I'm not sure we really left the house much that weekend. Not that we minded. I was totally engrossed in the lives of my favorite characters, wishing like hell that I was a Gryffindor too.

34 more days. I think I'm going to burst again.

Current Mood: jubilant
Current Music: Soundtrack- Something Wicked This Way Comes

I am expecting them to come and show up at my doorstep and take me back to Pittsburgh to "fix" me.

Mom has been crying since I told her and she's completely hysterical. She's on the verge of a very serious breakdown, if it hasn't already happened.

She's emailed me every night so far to tell me how wrong I am. And now terrible this is.

Last night was the religious argument.

I haven't responded.

What can I say?

How can I even begin to say that I am not "fucked up" when it causing her so much pain?

I always thought that teenage queer suicide happened because of the stress and worry that the average teenager faced, coupled with the added stress of coping with the realization that they are gay.

No.

THIS is what teenage queer suicide is about.

The inability to watch loved ones grieve and hurt and go psychotic before your very eyes.

It's too late to take it back.

Help me. Because I'd give anything to be straight right now.

Including my own happiness.

Current Mood: guilty

This morning, it seems like every breath I take is in defiance. My heart beats out of spite.

But I *am* breathing. My heart *is* beating. And so I am back to being Christina. I've no choice. There are so many fucking WONDERFUL things in my life, I can't let this break my stride.

I learned, over the weekend, that I have the most amazing people in my life. The calls and the emails and the comments and warm thoughts were....overwhelming. In the most beautiful way possible. Thank you ALL for everything that you've done and everything that you've said. It helps. It really does. I'm ok. I'm fine. And I have YOU to think for it.

So I'm moving on with my life. I promised myself that I would continue to live this year to it's fullest. And I think that I can do that a little better now.

High on my list of things to accomplish is Burning Man. I have the vacation time, and I now have the Event Pass. I should start planning my arrival and departure from Black Rock City so that I can get my airline tickets (courtesy of a fuck-up on the part of US Airways, thank goodness). Check out burning.christina.net. I'll be updating soon.

Next on my list of things to do is to get this drag king troupe off the ground. shilopa, do you have big plans this weekend? I want to see if we can arrange a photoshoot for our promotional materials. That will help us land a location. That is something we also need to start on. I *really* want to make this happen.

The other thing on my radar is Love Out Loud. I'm currently recruiting people to perform and be auctioned off. If you are interested, let me know. I can get more information to you, and we can discuss the details. I've got about 10 spots open, at the moment. So don't be shy!

Other than that, I'm just going to try and spend as little time inside my own head as possible. And smiling. I will trying to do as much of that as possible.

Current Mood: optimistic

Leviticus: Faggot
Me'Shell N'Degeocello

Faggot better run learn to run 'cuz daddy's home
His sweet lil' boy just a little too sweet
Every night the man showed the faggot what a real man should be
The man and the faggot will never see
for so many can't even perceive a real man Tell me

Not that the faggot didn't find a woman fine and beautiful
He admired desired their desires
He wanted love from strong hands
The faggot wanted the love of a man

His mother would pray
Save him, save him, save him from this life

Go to church boy
Faggot you're just a prisoner of your own perverted world
No picket fence acting like a bitch that's all he sees ain't that what faggot means

No love dreams
Only the favors sweet Michael performed for money to eat
'Cause the man kicked the faggot out the house at 16
Amen mother let it be
Before long he was crowned QUEEN for all the world to see bloody body face down
The wages of sin are surely death that's what mama used to say
So there was no sympathy

Let he without sin walk amongst the hated and feared and know true trial and tribulations
See my dear we're all dying for something searchin' and searchin'
Soon mama found out that god would turn his back on her too

Save me save me from this life
I pray to my Lord above save me they say you're the way the light

Current Mood: crushed
Current Music: Me'shell N'degeocello- Leviticus: Faggot.

I spent all weekend building up the courage to tell them.

The words "I have something I need to discuss with you." were on my lips from the time I stepped off the plane until I sat at dinner tonight with my parents. A thousand times I tried to make my mouth move and say what I knew I needed to say.

Pardon me while I recount all of this. I have to. I have to remember why this hurts, and why my mother is hurting so badly.

Finally, I did give life to the things I wanted to say. While my father was away from the table. I started out by saying that I had something that I needed to tell them. I also explained that I was scared that they might not love me any more.

And she stopped me. She said she knew what I had to say, and that she didn't want to hear it. She tried to eat her dinner, as did I. It didn't work. She left, and I followed after her shortly.

She said that it was wrong. She said that she must have done something wrong. She said that I wasn't normal. She said that THIS was wrong. She said that I musty have been abused, because that is how we all end up like this. She said that she never raised me to be like this.

She told me that she had nothing left anymore. That her world crumbled. She told me that it was like I was dead.

She pointed to Rosie and Ellen and said that she didn't want that life for me.

Finally my father came over, and I told him. I actually said "Dad, I'm gay".

He hugged me, kissed my forehead and told me that it would be ok. Then he told me that I am not gay. And that I would find the right man.

I cired. A lot. As did my mother.

But its over.

Mission Accomplished.

A high fatality rate, but it's stll a mission accomplished.

Current Mood: drunk

Off to the airport.

I'll keep y'all posted.

Current Mood: nervous

1. You can get anyone to do what you want them to do if you just bribe them properly. For some of the DBA's here, the proper bribe for copying an entire databas and giving it to me is a nice smile, a reminder that I frequently mis-match my socks, and a mini-Reese's peanut butter cup.

2. Cute girls that give you things ROCK. Very cute lesbian former-interns that give you free Microsoft Office Suites are even better.

Yup. Candy and cute girls. The foundation of any good business.

Current Mood: accomplished

My Band
( Hey dude, I love your band! )

I *so* want to do this song in drag. So I need two more boys.
Who's game? C'mon. Please?

Current Mood: amused
Current Music: D12- My Band (duh!)

Just because I'm quiet these days, one should not assume that I am not doing well, or that I am not happy.

Quite the fucking contrary.

at the beginning of the year, I swore that I would live the shit out of 2004. I would do all the things that I really wanted to do.

And I am. I honest-to-goodness am.

I said that I would come out to my family. I've told my aunt, and I am telling my parents in something like 72 hours.

I am doing my drag thing, and I am loving every minute of it. Even the uncomfortable parts. ;) And I love it so much that I've teamed up with Ryder (shilopa) to get another troupe started here. I might be speaking too soon, but I am psyched. I can see this happening, and it makes me immensely happy.

Work is going well. I've been working hard to undo the bad rep that I developed last fall. I've made it through 2 years, and I really like it here. I'll do what I have to in order to keep working here.

I was scared about my knee. Karate was looking unlikely. Shinkendo was fantastic, but still made me a little nervous. An injury forced me to get a surgery I should have asked for a year ago. I made it through the surgery without the support of a partner. I learned that my friends are everything that I need, and then some. Today, my knee feels amazing, and my recovery has (so far) been easy. While I make no claims as to the possibility of my returning to the dojo, I am optimistic that I will wear a black belt someday. At my core, I am a warrior. No injury could ever take that from me.

Finally, I've found a cause that I care about and a way to make a difference. With the help of Maggie, Nick and Karen, there is a kick ass event planned. We are going to raise so much money, and make a visible difference. Even if we never plan another event, I would feel good about what we've already accomplished.

One of my dreams for the last few years has been to go to Burning Man. I have the free airfare voucher and the vacation time to make it happen. Say what you might about the event itself, it's something I've really wanted to do, and I can finally make it happen.

The friends that I have right now are amazing. Recently, people have entered my life (or in some cases re-entered my life in a different capacity) and they have made my life that much richer. Without people to share my experiences with, it would all seem very empty. I suppose that I've always known that I have wonderful friends. I just seem to be particularly aware of it right now.

Of course my life isn't all roses. There are still fresh scars and sore subjects. I have some tough times ahead of me. But it's all ok.

I know this because I wake up most mornings, and I can smile. Not all of us can say that. And it wasn't always true for me.

I'm not gloating. I'm just saying thank you.

Current Mood: grateful

zanitos, call me.

I'll be in town in a few days, and I know I'll want a good old-fashioned Oliver-hug.

Current Mood: restless

Remember who I am.
Remember *what* I am.

I have the crooked toes and misshapen ribs to prove it.

Black eyes, if earned properly, are dead. fucking. sexy.

I am asking you to not force my hand.

Do not doubt me.

Current Mood: predatory

Seven days and counting down.

I'm still trying to figure out what I am going to say to them. Since i think that it will go smoother if I have anticipated some of the questions, I've been thinking about how I might respond to certain lines of inquiry.

No, I don't really want to be a guy.
No, it's not something that anyone/anything caused.
Yes, I am happy.
No, it isn't just a phase.
No, it's not that I just haven't met the right guy.
No, it's not because I didn't try hard enough to be straight.

OK. So I'm feeling a little defensive.

The truth is I will probably admit that part of the I didn't say anything earlier was because I was afraid that they would stop loving me. I was afraid that they they would yell and scream and never talk to me again. And then I will explain that I am gay. Plain and simple.

I just hope they don't react with anger.

Seven days and counting down.

Current Mood: nervous

If current trends continue, a large portion of the population will be pissed off with one of our colleagues, namely Christina. Due to circumstances being what they are, any communications will be slightly delayed.

Please note that all apologies and requests for forgivness will be issued by COB Wednesday, April 14th, 2004.

Your patience is appreciated.

-Mgmt.

Current Mood: uncomfortable