well aren't you feelin' real dirty

Subject:	you get paid for this
Time:	7:47 pm.
Mood:	nerdy.
Music:	smoking popes ---obviously.

( my dog has the best name )

i had to call and make an appointment for bella's shots and what-have-yous. the receptionist asked me her name and once i said "rubella" there was just this pause. then it got me to thinking...i named her after my favourite smoking popes song but why in the world would the boys from the smoking popes write a song about a grrl they liked named after german measles? though the name does have a nice ring to it.

meghan was going to tell eli (member of the smoking popes) that her friend (me) named her dog (rubella) after his song (rubella) but didn't. part of me doesn't want him to know because i don't want him to think i'm belittling his song by naming a fat dog after it. but if it were my song and someone named their lovable angel after it, i would be flattered. who knows what his reaction would be though. oh well.

put the second coat of "red hot" paint on the dresser. still needs one more i think. the hardware is adorable. white with little red hearts on it. me and my mom are ridiculously crafty.

we have to get a huge semi type truck to move me to bloomington. my furniture is too huge for our vehicles. awesome.

after tonite i will have only one day left of work. praise the lahhhhd!

xoxo

Comments: speak my intro.

Subject:	i am a bike thief
Time:	7:58 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	i have freezepop in my head.

i like being older then "cool kids".

even if only by a few months. it is nice saying, "you'll understand when yr older." or "grow up." or talk about how much more mature i am now that i'm done with the "teenage years".

mom, i just want to thank you for having me in 1984.

i'm in the middle of this tom robbins book that is so fucking hilarious and has this really random sex moments that gross me out/turn me on. damn you tom robbins for being such an amazing writer!

my dad bought me my very own address labels for my new apartment. they are pink! my dad is sometimes the coolest man alive.

i look so adorable today that i just want to have sex with myself in a public place. and really it's all because of the shoes.

i was practicing walking in my high heels today. toe.tah.lee aw.kward.

we are on step two of the revamping of my dresser. it needs at least one more coat of "red hot" paint and the hardware to be added. fucking hell, it's gonna be adorable.

my new favourite sayings are "where the h is my *insert item here*" and "what the h."

i have apple stuck in my teeth. i took my dog for a walk and some old man said she was the prettiest dog he has ever seen. it's nice getting a compliment like that after all the fat jokes people say to her. he was a sweet old man wearing a pink shirt. i wanted to take him home.

not including today, i have two days left of work. holycraptasmthatrules.

pretty soon i'll be folding shirts at urban outfitters.

xoxo

Comments: speak my intro.

Subject:	and we all float on
Time:	10:29 pm.
Mood:	hopeful.
Music:	people eating popcorn.

last week was so amazing i can't even begin to reiterate it step by step.

but what i will say is that no matter how hard i may try, i'll never find people like the ones i love right now.

it kept hitting me at very random times that this will be one of the last (if not the last) time i'll be able to just fuck around with all my friends. to stay out late and drink coffee at omega, have religious debates at denneys, and smoke until we're all coughing up blood. throwing rocks as trains pass by, late nite games we played in elementary school (or three summers ago), sharing beds and secrets. laughing at eachother when no one else understands why.

that is why i love the summer time.

i move on saturday and i haven't packed a thing. i've purchased new furniture and tons of animal supplies, but alas, have packed none of my existing belongings.

matt comes on friday and it will be nice to see him after not seeing him for awhile. but i have to admit, it felt good to have a whole week not worrying about squeezing in enough time to shag (although we did, because we're cool like that, ha!). he will be staying with me for a whole week in bloomington! it'll be sweet to just walk around campus; me, him, and bella. bridget can give us the grand tour! ha! i know she'd love that.

my car got fix in record time. i really love our mechanic. he is ridiculously honest and always goes the extra mile (a real bang for yr buck! haha!). but it did end up costing me $500 (which is pretty cheap, my dad was stunned it was "so low"). luckily i had the money so mom and dad can still eat. in our family it is never one car that breaks, they always happen in threes. first sarah's, then mine, then the jeep. oy vey. but, in the end, at least we're all safe.

apparently greg, our mechanic, said it was a miracle my tires didn't fall off my car. apparently the rod that connects the steering wheel with the tire rod (fuck off, i know squat about cars) was really weak and close to falling apart. at least it was just my clutch that fucked up on saturday, otherwise i would've been screwed.

i have so many new outfits i could wear a different everyday for the next two years. (including my mini skirts!) haha, i can't believe i own mini skirts. i won't even wear shorts...weird.

bella has an appointment this week for her shots, she is going to be mad at me. but to make it up to her i bought her a new bed which is huuuge and sooo comfortable. me and bink tested it out this afternoon.

i'm painting my dresser and headboard red. the hardware is white...and not because i'm going to iu, but because that is the best colour combination ever!

me and my mom pretended we were on trading spaces today, and that ruled.

i can't wait until michelina (and possibly her family?) come visit me in bloomington. i'm sure that will make them feel better about giving me their daughter, haha!

i also can't wait for the hamel bros to come down for bridget's 21st. they'll all go to the bars while i hang out with bella and hercules, haha! as long as i have a six pack of pbr or a 40oz of colt .45, i'll be fine.

i'm gonna go finish up "work" so i can leave early. i'm so sick of this place i could vomit.

xoxo

Comments: 5 liturgists - speak my intro.

Subject:	my life rules
Time:	1:05 pm.
Mood:	enthralled.
Music:	joey b.'s band ---the liberty spikes and/or mohawk.

it's only tuesday and we have actually plans! which is awesome because we're all indecisive as hell but me and michelina are gonna shop (some more) and get her oil changed and smoke weed! i can't believe this...i'm going to get high? what? i have never been high before...weird. i feel like a jerk off even talking about it, haha

i was stuck in the jungle last nite with team date. maybe i should explain...

michelina and i have decided that we are team dating jerems and alex because they are the coolest boys. well, adam is cool too but i can't even fake date him because he's my boyyy. anyway, so we're team date.

it is working out splendidly.

i'm at michelina's on her computer drinking her water and eating her granola bars. her brother reminds me so much of my brother, which is wonderful.

i really miss michael right now but i'm having so much fun and i know when i drive home on saturday i'm going to cry for at least three hours.

half crying because i'm sad to leave, the other half crying because i successfully spent $1,000 at urban outfitters.

HA!

xoxo

Comments: 1 liturgist - speak my intro.

Time:	8:57 pm.
Mood:	enthralled.
Music:	burping.

i slept for 14 hours today.

i finished actually working within the first 65 minutes i was here.

today is wednesday which means two more days of this week and then it's saturday and then i get to see michelina. i'm assuming bunny won't get there until monday so monday is going to rule as well.

holy shit i'm so excited i could kill something!

this will be the first time in one year that we will all be together. holy shit, a fucking year? that's insane. we should make a trip down to bloomington just so you guys can see where my new home will be...or would could go to the dunes! or anything else! we can do anything because we're the coolest people alive and we have a whole fucking week to do whatever we want!!! yessss!!!

ohmygawd, i haven't been this excited since matt asked me to be his grrlfriend.

i have gifts for michelina and bunny that i made! aren't you proud? hehe

i get to talk to matt tomorrow...feels like i haven't talked to him in forever...last week we talked for about ten minutes.

i'm gonna throw up wendy's. i like the women i work with because we have belching contests.

( oh yeah... )
xoxo

Comments: 3 liturgists - speak my intro.

Subject:	"it's ungodly"
Time:	1:15 am.
Mood:	exhausted.
Music:	air.

sarah and the trama family came for the circus. it was awesome. the carnival was fun. me and sarah mainly rode two rides. one was the octopus and the other was the bullet.

on saturday we were walking around trying to find the rest of our family and this weird guy walks up to me and says, "hey, can i ask you a question?" "yeah, sure." "will you ride the bullet with me?" "uhhh...i'm trying to find my family." i didn't even know this kid! weird.

the circus was pretty amazing. no animals, thank you! just flying children. a lot of assholes are in the circus. i saw a couple kids that don't bring back fond memories.

papaw is doing much better.

bunny and i (and michelina?) are getting tattoos the first week of august! rad!

i have bruises all over my body because of carnival rides.

me and sarah fell in love with the same carnie.

i'm so tired...and i'm here until 6:30a.

we saw catwoman [lame] and a cinderella story [loved it!]

went on a few walks with my aunt kim (and dogs) and had a pretty tense conversation. turns out there are a lot more skeltons in my family's closet then i thought.

sometimes i wish you weren't my father.

Comments: speak my intro.

Subject:	sometimes it just hits ya
Time:	9:17 pm.
Mood:	morose.
Music:	chitter chatter.

last nite was, whoa...out of nowhere? i was talking online to some people and then all of a sudden i start crying. i kept thinking about papaw being in the hospital with a collapsed lung and the possibility that i won't have a papaw much longer. for all these years i really took him for granted. just assumed that he'd be there in kentucky, playing his guitar, speaking incoherently, and smiling with his whole body.

he is the coolest man who has ever lived. he is tan and wrinkly and has an elf ear (no one knows why!). when he was born his mother wanted to name him bill but was so out of it after the birth (no drugs back then!) her sisters got to write his name on the birth certificate. they decided to name him after their father, arthur finley. back then you didn't have a copy of your birth certificate (unless you were wealthy) so when he was 18 and joined the army he had to get it from city hall. after 18 years of people calling him bill he came to find out that his name was actually arthur. to this day everyone calls him bill.

there is a picture of him at 19 hanging in their living room. he is so handsome and his smile hasn't changed a bit. after three months in war (he was on a ship somewhere in the pacific during world war two) he saw the most horrific thing in his life (at that point). they were coming up to this hill and they saw a man on it with a gun pointed down towards them. they all raised their guns and started screaming "drop yr weapon" until they finally realized the man on the hill was from the u.s. as well. he still would not drop his weapon. so they made their way up the hill and saw the man clutching this gun and behind him was a pair of boots. upon further inspection, the boots still had feet in them. the man holding the gun was dead, he died of fright because his friend was blown up right before his eyes.

my papaw grew up in corbin, kentucky and is 100% hillbilly. and that rules. when he came back from the army he told my grandma's dad that he wanted to marry her because she was the only thing that made him happy after all that time. they got married the day before my grandma turned 18, he was 25. during prohibition he was a smuggler and brewed his own. he has worked on railroads and in the steel mills in chicago. he raised 5 kids with only one bathroom and judging by mom, he did a great job.

in 1996 my uncle bryan died (my mom's youngest brother). we were all devasted. before then i had never seen my dad cry not to mention papaw. at the very end of the funeral, he just lost it. he kept shaking and asking god, "why my baby? why him?" it was so hard to watch that. we didn't just bryan, it felt like we were losing control.

if you've ever imagined an old man sitting on a porch, playing an old gibson, singing songs only people over 65 (and from the south) know the words too, in a white t-shirt and wrangler jeans, that's my papaw. he has been in bands, toured with musicians some may recognize and has lived his life in a way that is infectious. i want to have at least half the stories he has when i'm his age. he has been through lung cancer, remission, and lung cancer again. if anything, he's a resilient old man but i won't be naive to think he'll live forever. i just want him to live long enough that my children can meet him and fall in love.

no one can match my papaw, not even my own father could as a grandpa. and i can't imagine not having him.

i don't want to.

i hopefully won't have to for at least a little longer.

xoxo

Comments: 5 liturgists - speak my intro.

Subject:	i stole my father's shoes
Time:	12:12 am.
Mood:	worried.
Music:	sufjan stevens.

i slept for 12 hours today. my calf muscle on my right leg is killing me and my shoulder is still sore from dancing with jerems. ha!

my grandparents were supposed to come today but they aren't coming afterall because papaw's good lung has collapsed. when my grandma told me i just started crying but she kept telling me he was feeling fine. i can't imagine not having papaw alive. he is the coolest man that has ever lived.

but because they aren't coming we have three extra tickets (aunt jayne was going to go with them) so michael's friends david and joey are gonna come and so is sarah! yeah!

the email system is pretty fucked up. i keep getting 35 copies of the same email...weird. so out of 1000's of emails i have checked tonite, only around 100 were actually legitimate. this job is so boring!!!

turns out i don't think i'm gonna go to tennessee in august :( i really can't afford to. and i don't want to drive my car to tennessee because her check engine light has been coming on lately and lord knows with my luck i'd get down there and she would explode. ah, chattanooga, we will meet another day.

this week is the circus and the week after i have it off, the entire week. so we'll see what happens. it would be cheaper and easier to just loaf around naperville with my friends. that sounds like fun, too.

i can't believe i move to bloomington in three weeks...i'm getting really excited/nervous. and because i might see bunny and her macomb-home in early august i'll be able to get a job a week before school starts. that would be nice.

sufjan stevens makes me want to lay in a field and confess my sins to god.

i really miss my brother. last nite i got home and there was another note telling me to wake him up. i was too exhausted to smoke and watch full house so i let him sleep. tonite though, i shall wake his ass up.

i told my mom i hated working this shift because i never get to see my family. i saw her eyes well up and she said that was a sweet thing to hate a job for.

oh, i forgot to mention in my last post that i got a fucking speeding ticket. on 31, of course. i was going 77 in a 55, big fucking deal. the cop was pretty nice but whatevs, he fucking gave me a ticket.

i talked to michelina tonite and forgot to mention how happy her note made me. i was at a gas station fishing for change and she put a note in my wallet that thanked me for being her best friend. i bet the attendant thought i was crazy when i started crying. ah, the perks of having thoughtful friends.

the internet is boring.

( to anyone who sees fit )

xoxo

Comments: 2 liturgists - speak my intro.

Subject:	i'll never learn that stupid dance
Time:	2:11 am.
Mood:	loved.
Music:	twothirtyeight.

if i thought last weekend was good, cha-ha, this weekend was stellar!

saturday i rolled my ass out of bed around 9ish. bathed, packed and set off for michelina's house. the ride there wasn't so bad minus one accident. (i was not involved.) some stupid grrl in a jetta rammed into the driver's side door of some suv. i saw the whole thing and the way she hit him i thought the guy would end up being crippled. but right after he was pushed out of the intersection he jumped out of his car and proceeded to "what the fuck?" the jetta grrl. luckily i was the first in line and didn't get held up too long. ah, indianapolis boulevard, i love you.

once i got to mikki's we went to the mall and bought adorable things. we also went into too cool and this boy was asking us about white pants. we walked out and ate some pocky.

we were meandering around, killing time until we were gonna go to the city and we drive down traci's street and we saw her getting her mail! so we stopped and talked. and that was rad. i invited her to go swing dancing with us (and i'm the asshole who didn't call her sunday...traci! forgive me! i <3 you!!!) we talked about important things and i left feeling important.

me and mikki finally found ourselves on the way to the city to eat sushi. yuck. we met up with lauren (who's place is amazing!) and sat around her apartment until we had to go get jin. picked him up and went to get sushi. apparently i don't like sushi because i don't have a degree...hm. haha! me and michelina did not eat sushi, we had huge bowls of pad thai that we couldn't finish. lauren was brave and jin is asian. so. after sushi we went to the cornservatory and saw chemically imbalanced comedy. fudge-nilla is the funniest duo ever! "we're gentile entertainers!" after the show jin stayed there and mingled with his buddies while me and michelina took lauren home. once we got back we went to adam and alex's and drank killians in their driveway. then i got to sleep in michelina's super amazing comfy bed that i haven't slept in since i was a senior in high school. i.miss.my.life.

sunday we woke up and michelina got a random phone call from dave moreen. it was nice seeing him again. he looked really good. and it was really good seeing her hug him the way she did at bakers square. we ate and smoked then we went to stores so michelina could be adorable shoes. after that we went to borders and i saw abby, fiona, cassie, ray, and marty! i swear, every time i go in there i don't recognize a soul but sunday i saw tons of people i remember! holla! we than went to adam's and fucked around. me, meghan, and nina made mud holes for the pigs and watched them eat fruit. we left so we could go get prettified and man-oh-man, we were H-O-T-T! we finally convinced meghan to go and luckily she had a nice outfit in her car! we all went swing dancing, all as in: me, michelina, meghan, jerems, adam, alex, dave m., maggie, eric (maggie's friend from notre dame), jenny z., and brittany and bridget eventually came, after being lost for three years. it was so much fun!!! minus dancing with strange old men...*shudders* i got to dance with my favourite boys! i think jerems broke my arm...but it was hot. haha, half the time he'd just move around with this movie star look on his face. but man, those boys can dance! it was so much fun. i would say i want to go every sunday but right now i'm in so much pain, i don't know if i could bear it. i also saw maggie (loyola maggie) which was totally random!!! i'm looking around and two tables down i see this grrl and i'm thinking to myself, "that looks a lot like...MAGGIE!!!" so i got to meet some of her friends and she got to meet some of mine, aw! haha *maggie you looked super hot!!!*

after swing dancing we went to omega. michelina left swing dancing early so she could take dave home but she met back up with us at omega. pat came and we all talked and smoked. me and michelina drove alex home and listened to operation ivy, the ultimate summer listening. the last moment of that evening was me stretched out on her super awesome comfy bed. and i was thinking how wonderfully happy i was right then.

the next morning i woke up at 7:30a so i could go to matt's house early and we talked about things that needed to be discussed for a long time. he kissed my forehead while i slept and sang joy division while i wept. he holds me close when i need it and leaves me alone when he knows i'll be okay. i love him and sometimes i may try to persuade myself otherwise because i'm so scared his feelings will change. he let me sleep while he got ready for work.

i left around 1:30p and got stuck in traffic. i was sweating like a beast and my boss tried to ask me to come in early...yuh right. apparently something is wrong with our email system...and she wants me to fix it...um, what? i don't know anything about computers, really. the only thing i understand is online bingo.

i get off work in half an hour. i can't wait to just sleeeeeeep. but i wish someone was with me.

all i kept thinking about all weekend was how lucky i was to have these people in my life. how beautiful they all are and how i would be nothing without them. no matter we are in the future, these kids are my home. and i wanna get back.

xoxo

( wtf mate? )

Comments: 2 liturgists - speak my intro.

Subject:	the places i miss
Time:	12:45 am.
Mood:	nostalgic.
Music:	mike felumlee.

charleston, south carolina

this is the most fun fountain ever. you can run around in and most of the time there are people everywhere.

this fountain is fun too. i remember swimming around in it and watching emily climb to the top. it doesn't look that tall but when yr 9 years old and yr 12 year old sister climbs to the top of the pineapple, it's better than someone climbing mt. everest.

this picture is self-explanatory. it is absolutely gorgeous in real life. and summer it is this times ten. walking through it you feel like yr back in time or in an era film. it's amazing.

st. marys, georgia

this is the inside of my old church. this is the place where i was baptized and this is where my faith was built. my family always sat in the second pew to the front on the right. ah, memories.

this is orange hall and it used to be the manse to our church but now it's a museum. it's haunted (seriously!) and the coolest stories involve this place. the museum was fun to play in. you felt like you lived in 1882.

now i know the "pavillion" in naperville isn't the coolest of places but this pavillion was where i first kissed will overton, where i first fell off a skate board, where i first heard fifteen, where i first fell in love with the smell of fish, where i first realized how cool my sister emily was, where i turned from rap to "punk rock". i converted. haha!

hugenot beach, florida

these were the rocks i was thrown into when chris plumber and my sister were teaching me how to "hang ten". yeah, it hurt like hell. this was also where we go camping and get totally wasted and i would sneak smoke breaks with pat o'd. that was also where i made out with eric "cha-ha" possa. ew.

white sand. no lie. the water is bright blue in the summer. prettiest beach on earth.

signal mountain, tennessee

me and via went to tennessee when i was a senior in high school to visit kids i met on a mission trip. this is the prettiest place on earth and also the reason i fell in love with tennessee.

gore-jess.

chicago, illinois

my favourite city on earth. do you even have to ask why?

yeah, i took this shot while i was flying over in my helicopter. cha.

other places i miss
michelina's room
adam and alex's driveway
the lunchtable
emmett's living room
bunny's balcony
the train bridge
the amphitheatre
baker's
the taurus (not so much a place as it is a car...)
my backyard in naperville with the tram-pop-oline
my living room in naperville

xoxo

Comments: 5 liturgists - speak my intro.