| I wax poetic, as you wax your legs | Jan. 6th, 2004 @ 11:30 pm |
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The first post!
Let's start this with a list:
Thanks to God for:
The Philomafia
Libbey, Andrew, Rachel
my dorm
Jenna, Kyle, Dan
Nick and Darby
nicotine
cold weather
dogsleds
babies
Diet Coke
cloves
Bobby
my roomate
the things I put on the walls
Bright Eyes
Jimmy Eat World and Jump, Little Children
kissing
boots and jackets and scarfs
Philomafia reunions
re-falling in love every winter in Atlanta
cleaning
dancing
coming home to the dorm
It's good to be back. |
| | Dec. 29th, 2003 @ 09:44 pm |
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Hi loves~ I'm stopping this lj in its tracks. But never fear, I'm getting a new one and this time I'll *gasp* update it. So for security reasons, if you want to read my new one contact me. |
| there's always one reason to feel not good enough | Oct. 20th, 2003 @ 02:27 am |
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So to preface this: I was in a car accident on Friday night. Nothing too serious, my face is pretty banged up but other than that everything is fine. No one else is hurt, praise Allah. Ricardo (my car) will need some body work, which is what I'm most upset about. But all in all everything is ok.
Sometimes it feels like the universe will give you a nudge to tell you that you're not doing something right. And if you ignore that nudge you'll end up getting a shove from the universe that might hurt a bit more. I feel like this accident was a nudge. I need to change things, I just don't know what.
The hard part is feeling numb. I can't feel emotions anymore. I've felt like I've been leading up to this feeling for a while now but the accident has just pushed me over the unfeeling edge. I just don't feel anything. I want to so badly. I want to cry and scream and laugh but I can't. I feel like I need to vomit. I've lost people I've cared about lately, let them slip away and I want them back in my life but I don't know how to put things right again. I can't feel emotions towards anyone. I'm going to lose more people. I can feel it. And I feel like I can't stop it. And I can't feel anything about that fact. I've stopped emoting.
I've wanted for a long time to not feel anything. I've always felt like it would be the best way to be, emotionally detatched. But now all I want is to feel something. I want to feel sadness. But I can't do it. Maybe it would be more accurate to say I can't let myself. I've suppressed for so long, it's almost impossible to emote.
This is not to say I don't love you all. It's a pretty safe bet that if you're reading this right now I love you more than I can tell you. But I'm numb. I can't feel it. I know it's there but it's far away in a separate part of myself. Somplace I can't reach right now. My emotions are probably in the same place where my faith in God is. Somewhere far away, I know it's there but I can't see it right now.
I'll be laying low for the next couple of days. |
| she says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something | Oct. 8th, 2003 @ 10:47 am |
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I have made some choices in my life lately. Some of them may be good and some may be bad. But no more judgements from anyone. Please please please no more judgements. You don't know my motives or anything about the causation of my actions. And it's not your fault. But please, let me make my own decisions and mistakes without judging me.
It's not directed to anyone in particular but I want to let everyone know.
I hate myself. And that's ok. I have for some time now. Self-hatred is something I've learned to live with, something that I've been conscious of for a while and maybe I'll work through it. And maybe I won't.
I'm taking an incommunicado from God. I can't pray or even believe in anything. Something is broken in my spiritual life and it scares me.
This post is not as emotional as it reads. I just needed to verbalize some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my mind. Crying seems like it would be appropriate. That's a shame. |
| My sex is blue... | Sep. 20th, 2003 @ 03:35 am |
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I think I just made a very excellent college memory.
Darby, Nick, Adam, and I went to the poetry slam tonight in the Union ballrooms. So amazing. I had goosebumps for most of it. Then we played on the chin-up bars and did gymnastics in the incredibly wet grass. After standing around for about 35 minutes we decided to go to Breakfast for a Buck at the RFOC. I had pizza and waffles and made up a waffle song because they were just that good. We were going to go to the porn store but we decided to save that for another night. So we walked around campus and sang songs loudly. And I can't explain much more than that but it makes me feel warm and good and safe. And my mini-conversation just now with Nick and his sharing of the poetry caps off my warm feeling so well.
Quote of my lifetime:
I am too many flavors for one spoon. |
| » (No Subject) |
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( song of the day )
Sep. 19th, 2003 @ 12:52 pm
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| » don't let a soulmate pass you by... |
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Alexa: I got your letter today! Woo! Totally made my day. You have mail coming to you but it'll be about a week before I can get it off. I love love love the flyers. I'm putting them up in my room. Shibby!
So, Darby, happy? This is all for you. =)
I'm going to wear my pajamas all the live long day. I'm wearing Dan's pajama pants and my camo shirt from Wal-Mart. Bobby says I look super comfy. Dan is gone this weekend. *sadness* But I'm going to go to the Slam Poetry thing tonight and then the sleepover at the house. This weekend my parents and Uncle John and Aunt Laurie and Aunt Pat and the girls are all coming in. I'm so excited. And Libbey! Weeee!
In case you missed it, I have had mono and strep all week long. I went to Thagard and cried for three hours while they made me wait. It was no good. And I had blood drawn for the first time in my life.
The TV in my room never freaking is turned off. Makes me want to poke my eyeballs out...
Sep. 19th, 2003 @ 12:28 pm
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| » This is what you say in situations such as this: My life is spinning out of control. |
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So the incommunicado has ended. I think I've told everyone affected by it but I want to make sure everyone knows: I'm very sorry if I hurt feelings or angered anyone. It was not my intention. And I thank everyone for their understanding or attempts at understanding. I'm glad I did it though. It was good for me. If anyone wants to know reasons I'm sure I'll explain to you in some fashion sometime soon.
Ahh, college. God, I love it. This is totally where I belong. It's 1:53AM so in lieu of an actual post I'm going to do a list.
*ahem*
Why I Believe in God: college edition
Dan and his laugh
Preston
Bobby, and the way he walks
Guam, who wants to draw me
Fancy Shoes and Jenna
pokey sticks and the Sweet Shop
Aristotle's
cloves
the smoking picnic table
doing laundry
my dorm room
walking around during the wee hours of the morning
my hair
the Landis green and the stone smoking bench
the calf walk
football games
being away from my family
finally having a place to express all aspects of me
free nights and weekends
Andrew Reeves (31 days 31 days 31 days)
Fire and Ice
alternative lifestyles
cloves (I know I said cloves already but I feel they should be mentioned twice)
psych class
not having to see people I hated from high school
picking and choosing my friends
checking out chicks and dudes with Dan
Nat's sexy accent
the guy who lives in Landis who looks like Bono from U2
my Modern World prof
the science library
Sep. 9th, 2003 @ 02:02 am
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| » love's just an excuse to get hurt and to hurt. |
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I am incredibly blindingly angry so I think it would be healthier to go incommunicado for a couple of days. Exception: the person who I just got off the phone with.
Sorry for any inconvenience.
Sep. 3rd, 2003 @ 12:59 am
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| » I love Libbey... |
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because the Reeves' house is the only place I know to pull over on Scenic Highway, because Dashboard and Snickers Ice Cream bars are better than orgasms sometimes, because I know she knows all the reasons why I'm angry without me having to talk about them, because she listens to me and loves me even though my anger is crazy and irrational.
Sep. 2nd, 2003 @ 08:06 am
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| » and when i say i'm from pensacola i mean i'm from... |
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I'm happy. I really am. I was walking to psychology class today, around 6:30, and I realized "I'm super happy."
College makes me feel complete. I know what I'm doing here. Of course, I'm still working out a few kinks, like eating and such, but all in all, life is very very very good. I love my dorm girls (Landis 4th floor, Westside is bestside!). They're all awesome and I've been able to find one or two that I've really been able to connect to. I love my sorority, especially my Alpha, Lauren. She is cute and small and the queen of all that is good and light. I love my classes, except Chem lab (which is 3 freaking hours long!) but especially Psychology. I love Dan and Preston. I love being friend with boys again. We went to see X-Men 2 for free at the Student Life Building tonight and Dan was a better date to me than his actual date which is almost more fun than spending time with someone who is actually attracted to me. =) Dan and Preston are the most fun I've had in a long time.
Oh, how excited I am about coming home this weekend! Libbey is coming tomorrow and I think we'll spend the night here and then leave Saturday morning. Which means...a night on the town! Although, I have no idea what to do. I'll ask Dan. And then home. And real food. And cake party. And Matt and Rachel and Rocky and Danny. And my pets. And my family. And then back to FSU on Monday. Woo!
*happy happiness*
Aug. 29th, 2003 @ 01:31 am
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| » matt's results |
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You have a surprise kiss! Your partner is always
pleasantly pleased to have you jump outta no
where to dote them with a fun peck on the cheek
or more passionate embrace. super markets and
work places are your favorite places to attack
your loved one with all your love =p
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Aug. 24th, 2003 @ 01:47 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I love Rachel:
because she knows how to rock, because she's my oldest friend, because I'm a tongue whore, because she's seen me through my ugly awkward stage and she still loves me, because she gets weird crushes, because of the trach tube picture, because she's part of my family, because she picks out the hot guys before they get hot, because she always calls me on my shit, because she's brutually honest, because I think she's gorgeous, because she cackles when she laughs, because she's spent so much damn time in my house, because we can go for weeks without talking and pick up where we started, because she's the sprinklemeister at the cake parties, because she rocks hard at Trivial Pursuit, because she forgot Chase's name, because she knows and enjoys Aunt Pat and the girls, because Aunt Pat loves her, because I even have inside jokes with her sister, because she smoked with me, because she likes jailbait, because she and I just say no to the Washington Monument, because she's incredibly smart, because she appreciates Broadway, because she and Rocky hated each other at the play, because she puts up with me being stupid, because she loves even though I can't cry, because she's such a girly girl, because she reads, because she gets weird band obsessions, because she was present at Incubus, because she knows everything about me, because she's witnessed my mom's most embarressing moment, because she knows the value of Lifetime, because she's so much fun to be around, because she makes me laugh, because my family loves her, because she's read dirty jokes with me during the Harry Potter party, because she taught me all about gay man sex, because she started me cussing, because we invented the Michael Gibson noise in Boston, because she's ok with me sexually ambiguous nympho, because I'll be her kids' cool aunt Sarah.
Aug. 22nd, 2003 @ 08:39 am
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| » like I love you... |
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I love Libbey:
because she loves me but she wouldn't take her underwear off her ass for me and she wouldn't expect me to take my underwear off for her, because she would share all the rest of her clothing with me, because she loves me even though I'm silly, because we got fucked in the ass at second beach week but we can laugh about it, because she's a fly honey, because she's my fly honey, because she's matt's personal hottie, because she's listened to my drama for the past month and a half without telling me to shut up, because she'll never tell me if my room smells, because my cars make her sick, because she introduced me to the joy icing, because she got me saying "apprec" and "jimmies", because she's the only one who ever bought me a clown cone, because she puts up with everyone's shit, because my parents love her, because Hope wants to be her, because she took care of my pets, because she left a welcome back note on my bed when I came home from san francisco, because she still thinks I was drunk at beach week, because she and I have shared the magic of Dashboard, because of beads, because I feel so relaxed in her car, because Brittany is my soul-niece, because Chandler is a fool, because Matt loves her, because she's part of the Chicken club, because she's participated in the sporgy, because she know song lyrics so well, because she knows where rhysies is, because she's always hydrated, because I've cried in her arms, because she gives me head kisses, because we can share private chuckles, because we party in Taco Bell like its a club, because we can sing Alanis Morisette acapella.
Aug. 22nd, 2003 @ 12:18 am
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| » dear matthew, I like you a lot |
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Hellooooooo! I'm in college. I don't want to throw up any more! Woo Hoo!
Really, my parents and I came up on Saturday and they left on Sunday, the day rush started. My roomate is cool so far, she talks a lot and fast and loud but she also puts up with my late night phone calls and text messages. My room is almost done, I just need to get a few more things like bed raisers and under-the-bed boxes. I put up my corkboard, it's beautiful. I have two pictures of Paul snuggling with the other boys of the Philomafia. (That's the best part.)
Rush started Sunday with a huge meeting, there are 1300 girls rushing! I'm so nervous because they're all a certain type of look and I'm, well, not. But that's ok, I got along really well with some of the houses so I'm really excited. In one minute I have to leave because I'm receiving my invitations today! Wish me luck.
Please please please everyone send me his/her contact information. Even if you haven't moved. I left my address book at home because I am a dumbass.
Aug. 20th, 2003 @ 07:41 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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If you're interested in birthday party pics (and any other pics in my future): http://photos.yahoo.com/ontoe13
Aug. 16th, 2003 @ 12:12 am
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| » hell. yeah. |
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You must like to spank or be spanked, because your
romance is remeniscent of Secretary. A truly
modern love story, it shows that you don't need
to be conventional to be normal. You're
probably the type that owns a whole lot more
leather than what's upholstering your car or
sofa. Yeah, you know what I mean.
What Romance Movie Best Represents Your Love Life?
brought to you by Quizilla
Aug. 15th, 2003 @ 04:19 pm
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| » i showed up in boots |
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Aug. 15th, 2003 @ 08:33 am
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| » i don't need to be lured by you |
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Things that make me happy:
packing
being called a sarcastic bitch last night by Rocky (I'm not sure why I like hearing that)
lipstick
Matt's new lj!
Tuesday's quote of the day: "I'm sorry but I won't take my underwear off my ass for you."
Jane
black t-shirts
sleep
my presents for jonathann and rachel (shibby!)
my pictures
eyeliner
Hint of the day: never talk to Rocky when he's drunk.
Aug. 14th, 2003 @ 02:01 pm
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