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Tuesday, April 8th, 2003
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11:01 am - I'm a lazy bastard
And I don't have time for a full update, still. But I do have time to give y'all this:
And now my life will once again be consumed with rings and ideals, compact sets and continuous functions, and generally unrestrained mathematical insanity.
current mood:  hot
current music: Dimitri From Paris - A Night at the Playboy Mansion (18 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Sunday, December 29th, 2002
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4:24 am - AGH! I hate my dog sometimes
She starts barking like crazy around 3:45, and we all assume she'll stop and go back to sleep, like she normally does; chances are she's just seen something delicious run by and she'll get over it in a bit. But no, she kept barking, barking, and barking, and finally it became very clear that she wouldn't let down until somebody came down to let her out. So I, being the loyal son I am, let my parents keep their cozy positions in bed and went down to do the dirty deed.
Now she's outside and I'm hearing high-pitched squealing sounds from her direction, though quite clearly not from her mouth. I'm assuming that she's killed another squirrel. I used to get depressed about such things, but now I've just grown to accept them as facts of life. Her being outside, however, is still more than a nuisance. People need SLEEP, damnit... and this person sitting in this chair can't get it 'till his puppy's inside.
Oh, good, here she comes... little bitch. It's a good thing I love her so much.
current mood:  aggravated
current music: Poe (thanks to Mara, for her wonderful Christmas present) (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Saturday, December 28th, 2002
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4:33 am - Alive and VERY Well
First things first: thank you, EVERYONE, for having faith in me and keeping me around on your "Friends" lists. It means a lot to me that you guys trusted--despite the fact that there were numerous long, long delays--that I'd return and update you on my crazy, wonderful life someday. And I've got some serious catching up to do with your lives... which shouldn't be too hard, since I suddenly seem to have more time than I could ever use these days.
This'll be a weird update, since the purpose is to catch you up on where my life is at the moment without boring you to tears (or at least draining your time away) with little cute story after little naughty story after little dramatic soap opera after little philosophical justification for it all. And my writing's probably deteriorated a bit, since these dirty fingers haven't put through a several page document in quite a while, but here's my best shot:
Idiocy, Reason, Philosophy, and of course, Math
It's about time I made a few confessions to you all. Last term (meaning the Spring term, since it's not quite 2003 yet,) I did very poorly at MIT. My scores were still high in my Analysis I class, but that was no surprise; theoretical Math is, for better or for worse, my bitch. If I give myself any reasonable amount of time to get a few problem sets done, it doesn't really matter if I miss every last lecture... it's still impossible for me to get below a B. Unfortunately, things aren't that easy--I've recently discovered--in other fields. For example, unless one is born understanding the laws of the universe, it's just short of impossible to decipher how organic chemistry works given only a foundation level chemistry class in prerequisite. Especially if one tries to do it during the hour one has to take each exam, or during the three hours given for the Final. This is practically what I tried to do, and, needless to say, a well deserved "DN" showed up on my Report Card, implying that I got a D, which, for a Freshman on "Pass/ No Credit," counts as a lack of credit. Then I dropped German, did two of ten Differential Equations problem sets and slept through an exam, failing with flying colors, and only had one other class, Acting 1, which I passed by simply showing up to Mr. Oullette's delightful though informative recess of a class, preparing a skit or two, and writing a few journal entries all about ME, and who wouldn't love to splurge and do that?
At MIT, credit is given in six- to fifteen-unit segments. Seminars are typically worth six credits, performance arts classes are typically worth nine, most other classes are worth twelve credits, and the more "hardcore" lab classes are occasionally worth a solid fifteen units of credit, which is only reasonable considering that students in such classes often forget that an outside world exists in which people actually eat, sleep, and, (gasp!) talk with one another. A usual courseload at MIT is somewhere between 36 and 60 credits; those who take 36 a term generally stay for fifth years, and those who take beyond 60 a term generally jump off the top of the Green building or run away and join the circus to rediscover what that whole "enjoying life" thing is all about. This Spring I passed two classes, one of which was a performing arts class, summing up to a grand total of 21 credit units. The Department of Academic Performance at MIT wasn't so fond of that, and put me on Academic Warning, included with a nice little letter to my house which my parents never saw indicating that if I didn't clean up my act, I wouldn't even need to worry about taking classes any more.
This term began with high hopes of saving my future, and, silly me, a medium-sized but extremely difficult courseload. Biochemistry looked promising; it'd be a lot of fun to learn how the body works and how different drugs can fuck it up. Physics II looked boring, but it was a core requirement, so it seemed to be best to get it out of the way before I had to worry too much about precision GPA management. Analysis II and Algebra were going to be great, though; I'd finally have a chance to learn not just how, but why multivariable calculus works the way it does, and no Math class in the school seemed to be more loved than professor Artin's two term 18.701-18.702 Algebra series (more difficult, theoretical, and in depth than the 18.700-18.703 alternative.)
...to be continued, after a good night's sleep.
Previews of my current standings:
Academic Status: dropped Analysis II, but passed the other three classes and am off Warning (yay!)
Romantic Status: take a wild guess. Go ahead, take one! :-P
STD Status: CLEAN, thank you. Too many people ask me about this.
Job: (HOTT) Go Go Boy at Lust at Aria, Wednesday nights in Boston
Closest Friends: Jess S., Mara, Eldin (new), Sarah (new), Naomi, John
Count: (eek!) probably around 50... but blowjobs count; anything where orgasms are involved due to multiple bodies counts. Otherwise it'd probably be around 25, which isn't that bad.
Number of major dramas since the beginning of the summer: about five. But, naturally, it was always their fault.
Philosophy on Life (justification coming): it doesn't matter what they are, as long as they make you happy, but find a consistent set of major values and live by them. Keep lower values malleable, but make it a point to live for something overall... if life has no tangible development from some scale from beginning to end, what's the point in living it? (Development can be as trivial as summing up all the fun one had over one's entire life... though I doubt that one would keep having fun if fun were all one were looking for.) Whatever... this is getting too elaborate already. I'll write about it, from the bottom up, in the next entry. It has to do with creating the best performance out of one's life as possible.
Delight: Con's coming to MIT next year!!!!
Project: Final Fantasy X
Location: St. Louis until January 8th
Focii (in no particular order): dancing, math, physics, singing, simplification of human thought
Bedtime: 5:00 AM.
current mood: post-caffeinated
current music: Kylie Minogue - Fever (6 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Wednesday, September 4th, 2002
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4:44 am - Back
Actually, I've been back for 10 days. The partying's over, and classes start tomorrow. Christina finally moved out of my room and into her apartment yesterday, after finding out at the last minute that she wouldn't be able to get housing and that she'd have to turn over one of the largest rooms in the house until next year, when she'll be taking classes again; she obliged more willingly after finding out that I'd be getting the room and that I'd let her stay here until she raised enough money to move to an apartment in the complex next door with her boyfriend Matt. I've been decorating, sleeping, registering for classes, and reveling in the fact that I have a room to myself again for the past day and a half.
The next couple of entries should go as follows: 1. work; 2. boys; 3. friends; 4. highlights... with maybe a bit of overlap.
Oh, and I've quit smoking... everything.
current mood: sleep-happy
current music: Tori Amos - Space Dog (9 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, July 29th, 2002
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3:09 pm - This is tragic, indeed
I've been away from LJ for a long, long time. And people have gradually removed me from their "friends" lists, because, well, I just don't "put out" anymore. Alas.
Anyway, once I get back up to school and have nothing better to do, I'll probably put together a series of comprehensive entries about my summer: one for dating and gossiping, one for looking for (and ultimately finding) work and how it changed (or didn't change) my parents' treatment of me, and one for the incredibly elaborate though often rather shallow social life that seems to pull my time around at a cruel (though sometimes fulfilling) whim. Maybe I'll add a brief one in there about vocal development and my battles with marijuana smoking, but I'll certainly abstain from writing anything terribly introspective. Keeping away from LJ for the summer--and in general feeling more valid as a human being, not as a collection of facts--has allowed me to finally drop that stupid ego thing, and I don't feel like reducing myself to excessive self-analysis that would bring it back.
OMG THERE ARE ANTS ON THE FLOOR!!!
Web
314-323-4872. Call me if you're bored; I'll have stories.
current mood: well-rested
current music: Tori Amos - Pretty Good Year (22 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Friday, June 28th, 2002
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1:12 pm - C'est la vis
Nobody in the young St. Louis queer community is going to forget who I am now. At least drama's good for something.
My God. Six different people have cheated on their boyfriends with me now. And only one of them has managed to look beyond the guilt thereafter to see the potential for a real relationship. Maybe I should learn my lesson... it's just too bad that all of the best guys have boyfriends.
Randy's upset that after he broke contact with me, I complained to all of his friends about the situation. But what else was I supposed to do if I couldn't communicate directly with him? Things were so good Sunday night, and he had finally gotten over the awkwardness of the weekend and was smiling incessantly while uncontrollably draping his leg over mine, but then suddenly he told me over the phone, "I don't know if I even feel comfortable talking to you anymore." The only reason why he even told me he was breaking contact was because Sarah and Sara forced him onto the phone. So of course I was upset, and had damn good reason to be.
Ugh. We should never have kissed until he broke up with Tom.
current mood: bitter (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, June 20th, 2002
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2:48 pm - I guess I should be flattered that I fit the look...
Date: Mon, 17 Jun 2002 15:44:05 -0700 (PDT)
From: benpierce@gay.com <benpierce@gay.com>
To: soldierweb@gay.com <soldierweb@gay.com>
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, I own a model management company that does casting for gay porn-
Video, Magazines, and Web. I work with Can-Am, Chi Chi Larue, Falcon,
Freshman Mag, etc. In negotiations with GunnerWorld.com. I am also
planning first movie , a videotaped sex party. 15 hot guys, hot sex, no
acting. We'll even pass around a camera for guys to hold while they go
at it. I'd like to talk to you about what opportunities I might be able
to offer, if you'd be interested. Check out my website for more info,
www.PiercePro.com, or email me at ClubEnt@aol.com.
I look forward to talking to you.
Ben Pierce
Pierce Productions
www.PiercePro.com
For some reason being in a professional pornography movie doesn't seem very wise, though. "Oh, I've seen you before! Weren't you that kid from the porno?"
Other news:
My week of getting up at 5:00 in the morning to help Famous Barr scan their inventory just finished. Richella, our group leader, said our group was fantastic, in both how quickly and how accurately we scanned everything; it's probably because we weren't terribly social with one another in comparison to the other groups. I still need to find a job for the next two months, but this was nice to get some quick money in my pocket.
It's too bad for my brother that he has my aptitude for academics without my passion for them. Mr. Werremeyer, his FST teacher, just sent a letter home to him dripping with disappointment. His grade for the class: an A-. "You could have easily been the best student in the class," he suggested towards the end of the note. People give Chuck a hard time for not doing any work, but then again, I never did any work in high school, either. The major difference between he and I is that I enjoyed what we learned, and thus I paid attention in class and often thought about the subject matter when I zoned out and let my mind wander, something that my friends will attest occurred (and still occurs) with great frequency.
Sarah and I have bonded so much over the past three weeks, it's incredible. I'll see if she wants to come to Pride with Mara and me, assuming that's cool with Mara.
current mood: randy (6 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, June 13th, 2002
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1:42 pm - Nightmares suck
...especially when you wake up feeling like ending your life and you can't remember why it's so bad.
current mood: battling depression with food (make me feel like a moron)
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Tuesday, June 11th, 2002
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12:32 am - Just to keep my calendar straight--err, forward
Tomorrow morning I wake up, drive Dad into work, and then go back to sleep.
Tomorrow midday I continue my job-hunting.
Tomorrow mid-afternoon I find somebody to hang out with... maybe somebody with whom to go swimming, and then hang out. Mara might want to go over to the club or to the U. City pool.
Tomorrow evening I'm stuck at home because I'm trying to appease my mother's desire for me not to go out as much (this enables me to stay out much later on the nights when I do go out.) Maybe I'll call somebody--Abi, perhaps--to rent movies and bring them over here and eat popcorn and drink root beer.
Wednesday I have no idea what the hell I'm doing during the day--maybe I'll see what Alex Blumeyer is up to--but starting around 6:30-ish, I'm hanging out with Jim. I don't know if it's a date or not, and I'd be cool either way, so regardless, I'm looking forward to a good time. What movie should we see? We're both way behind, so any recommendation is probably something neither of us has seen before.
If Jim cancels or if our outing is over early for some reason, I'm going swing dancing with Jess and Mara and the crew. Being the flake I am, I told Jess and Mara I'd be joining them already, forgetting that Jim and I are seeing each other Wednesday, not Thursday. Oops.
Thursday I drive my dad into work and go back to sleep as always, and then, around noontime, I rip away any shred of virginity Marco has.
That evening I'm hanging out with Sarah, so I can indulge her in all of the interesting stories that will form and have already formed out of the outings earlier this week.
Friday I probably begin whatever job I will have found. And maybe, by the end of the summer, I will have brought my expenses out of the red. Why the hell can't money grow on trees???
current mood: social (make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, June 10th, 2002
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3:23 pm - I'm not sure which is worse...
#1:</font size>
You are the ravest of dance parties, a must for the all night rave! Exciting company you make people feel sexy, sensuality and generally ecstatic. You make people feel close, at one with each other but can also make people feel nauseous and anxious.If you spend a lot of time with someone they tend to be hallucinating, they cant see clearly and feel like they are getting carried away with you. When you spend way too much time with people you fuck up their brain, heart and liver. However, after spending a whopping wonderful night with you, the next day people get depressed thinking of you and how much they miss you. They get love sick and don't want to eat, they cant sleep, they feel sore in their muscles and cant concentrate for very long as they dream of when they will spend an exhilarating time with you again on the dance floor at the very next rave party. Fortunately for people, the more they see of you the more they realize how bad you are and eventually they don't see much of you anymore. Find Out If You Were A Drug, What You Would Be! quiz by ravenritings
#2:</font size>
People in your company think you are unreal, they are hallucinating. You are creatively inspiring as well as you make people delirious and delusional. You make time appear distorted, colours appear brighter, sounds more sharper and things seem to change shape. Sometimes people are frightened by you and get scared of everything. You mess people up, one minute they could be laughing the next they are sobbing. Sometimes you distress people so much they try to commit suicide. When people have spent a lot of time with you, they get a 'flashback', they could be on a train coming home from work and suddenly start mocking the bloke next to them who appears to have grown a long hairy snout like a rat. Find Out If You Were A Drug, What You Would Be! quiz by ravenritings
current mood:  blah (make me feel like a moron)
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Sunday, June 9th, 2002
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7:17 pm - Two weeks of too much... and still going
(excerpted and modified a bit from an e-mail to Mike a little bit ago)
Well, I've finally graduated from high school. At first, it was really weird to be going through the motions and attending Senior Night (our recognition/ prize night) and whatnot, especially when the head of our upper school kept making the point during his speech that our class had always seemed somewhat disconnected in earlier years but really consolidated over the past year; I felt like it was a ceremony for all of the rest of my class, and that I just happened to be taking part in it. For all of them, graduation was the final break between high school and college, and for me it didn't seem to have that much significance as a grand divisive moment between two stages of my life since I've already had my Freshman year of college. It sounds terribly corny, but once all of us who were in choir got up and sang "Lean on Me" to everybody at the end of Senior Night, and then again the next day, once they started playing "Pomp and Circumstance" and we walked to our seats, I finally did feel like the ceremony did have some significance to me--wow, this is finally happening. While I've not really been with them for the past year, my class has always been there, together, for me to go back and visit them and still be a part of things; from now on, though, there will never be another day that they're all going to be at the same school in the same chapel together.
I don't know. Maybe I'm over-sentimental about everything. I guess graduation has more significance for me because our lower, middle, and upper schools were all part of the same big school, so I spent 12 years of my life--kindergarten through 11th grade--with the same class. And now it's all over.
(end excerpt)
American History X is a very well done, provocative, and slightly devastating movie. We all watched it over at Paul's house, which has also become the new swimming hangout, a week and a half ago. I regret missing the first twenty minutes.
Stuff at Casa Grill fell through, so I have to go back on the hunt for a new job. If nothing else works out, Dima says they're always looking to hire at Famous Barr, so I could go work there for $7 an hour.
Driving along Warson Road on a moonlit night is magnificent: the trees drape over the road, but not too often, so normally you can see the beautiful navy sky, but occasionally the figures of the branches traverse across it and are so dark that all one sees are the black silhouettes.
Mara, as Heather Riggin so concisely put it last night when I ran into her and Jacquie Perry at Cartel last night, has gotten "adorable." She's gotten a lot more good natured about everything over the past year, and it's really refreshing to spend time around her. I haven't seen enough of her--only three evenings in two weeks!--since I've been home. Maybe I'll harass her and see what she's up to tonight.
Jenny's melodramatizing our friendship as always, and I think she's getting her revenge on my standing her up for breakfast yesterday (my alarm was inadvertently set for 7 PM instead of 7 AM) by making plans with other people this evening when we already had proposed plans. She asked me defensively Friday night, "so you're no longer able to get up in the morning to make plans?" and now she wonders why I bothered to schedule a breakfast date when I'd probably have trouble getting up. She made it seem like she only was available in the morning, and made it seem as though I wouldn't be putting in enough effort if I were to try to cut into her day at any other point. Oh well. I'm still terribly fond of her, even if she makes herself just about the most difficult person in the world to please.
Jess is delightful. We'll have a summer full of drinking (coffee and tea, that is) and dancing.
Ted Jones has recently come out as bisexual. I said at the beginning of the summer that I wouldn't want to do anything with him physically, since he hasn't been the most emotionally stable person in the world lately, but we hung out a week ago, and not only does he seem quite stable with the new psychiatric drugs he's been taking, but he says that he only wants to try messing around with a guy, and wouldn't want to attach any excessive emotion to it anyway. So maybe something will happen, if he's interested... though that would make things incredibly awkward between the three of us: Ted, Abi, and I.
Abi's doing well. She's got a new boyfriend down in Florida, who apparently is more than twice her weight and is 6'8". He's a basketball player--an incredible one, allegedly: the only Freshman on the Colgate team who was allowed to dress with the team--and she's a cheerleader, so they make a nice adorable athletic couple. She and Ted seem convinced that they should be on bad terms right now, so she in particular is making a subconscious effort to be angry with him and to see him as perpetually angry at her. Oh well. She's Abi and I'm not going to try to change her. I just thank God that we never dated. She doesn't get along with a single one of her ex-boyfriends.
Abi and I went out to Cartel the other day, and caught up on things before I noticed John's older friend Bob, at which point we went over and played cards with him and Stephen and a cute guy named Gerol whom I've been getting to know ever since then. It's nice to be in touch with older fags, if for no other reason than the fact that they all have mastered the art of making people feel comfortable to spend time with them.
...speaking of which, I haven't really been spending as much of my "gay time" with John this summer as I did last summer, and while it was tough not having somebody to whom I could run and whine when the wrong people were flirting with me and the right people weren't, it's given me a lot more social independence in the gay scene; I'm no longer just John's little tagalong.
I miss my Johnny John John John. We need to go out to dinner or something. All of our time is spent going to Cartel or to the club and then running around saying "hi" to everybody else on the planet.
I've seen my two playful to-be Juniors, Marz and Jesse, but I still haven't seen Lnzy or Lauren. Well, I guess I saw Lnzy at graduation and at one of Paul's pool parties, but I haven't gotten to spend any quality time with her. According to Lauren, she's finally outgrown Chuck-e-Cheese's, so Denny's will have to be the hangout. Or the park. That'd be fun.
I'm finally digging my niche into the massive, friendly, self-sustaining rubber ball that is the St. Louis gay scene. At least ten out of the past fourteen evenings have had some section of themselves denoted to time flirting and frolicking at Cartel. I've become more solidly acquainted with most of the young regulars to Cartel and to the clubs (as in, they'll actually come over and strike up a conversation with me now, whereas before they'd hardly remember my name,) and there are even a few people whom I knew before but who could now be real friends.
( Read more... )
I had a frozen and re-thawed Slurpy from 7-11 sitting next to me throughout the entire writing of this entry. It's interesting how little one notices about the change in appearance of something if it happens gradually, until the moment when a significant change to the whole appearance of the object has been made; now that the ice has gone from holding itself in place to simply floating on top of the Fanta-water, I've suddenly realized just how much it's melted... and just how long I've been sitting here writing and talking to people.
current mood:  hungry
current music: Pearl Jam - In the Middle (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Saturday, June 8th, 2002
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2:48 am - YO
Hey guys... sorry I haven't updated in quite some time. I'll write a nice big spiel about all of the crazy fags, friends, fiends, and follies I've encountered since being back home once I'm done catching up on some SLEEP.
current mood: stooooooned (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Friday, May 31st, 2002
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6:46 pm - Why am I always the young diva slut?
Which Golden Girl Are You?
current mood: waiting...
current music: Paul Oakenfold - Tranceport (entire album) (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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1:59 pm - Self-mutilation
My Pre-Registration for this Fall:
5.07 Biological Chemistry
5.310 Laboratory Chemistry (8 lab hours + 2 lecture hours per week)
18.101 Analysis II
18.701 Algebra I (no, not that bullshit they taught you in middle school)
and one lighthearted one:
21M.605 Voice and Speech for the Actor
and, perhaps, Concert Choir for credit.
current mood: bold
current music: Madonna - What It Feels Like For A Girl (Manny Lehman Mix) (7 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, May 27th, 2002
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5:28 am - Good God
Why is it that as soon as my life starts to go back on a nice upswing, flocks of my friends and LJ friends are getting depressed or having hard times?
Todd, I'm sorry about everything that's happening with you and Brad. I don't really have any advice to give, but if ever you want a reasonably intelligent ear into which to drown your qualms and/or sorrows and/or frustrations, it'd be fun for me to finally meet you in person. Also, it'd cool now that I've met s.e. via your LJ friends list to finally meet the one who inadvertently introduced us. Oh, your new userpic--the prison-photo one--is great, by the way.
Mara, I want to see you and you know it's unhealthy for you to let your circle of friends fade away as you claim it has; give me a call if you want to hang out.
Susilu, it sounds to me like what you need is to come out with a big group of friends and party as soon as you get back. When do you get back, by the way?
Chuck, don't worry about only jumping twelve feet at State. You have two more years to be the best... 11th place as a Sophomore isn't half bad. And don't worry about Mama getting mad at you; if she didn't get mad about an occasional display of academic laziness, it would indicate a lack of active love on her part.
These are the ones that come to the top of my head.
Other news: I'm home, I'm tired, I'm happy, John rocks, and I'm almost looking forward to shuffling through tomorrow half-asleep.
...I just fell asleep at the computer screen. Goodnight!
current mood: sleep-happy (3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Saturday, May 25th, 2002
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4:12 am - Aw...
Goodbye, dear computer. I'll see you this fall.
I took a lot of cute pictures tonight, including a few of Mike... they'll be posted when I get back.
See you all in two days!
(3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Friday, May 24th, 2002
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5:08 pm - An Awesome Day
I'm fairly certain I got a perfect score on my 18.100B: Analysis 1 exam today. And I spent all last night partying. I'll prove to them yet that I really am Math Man! It's so nice to re-assert my validity as a great Math student after that stupid fluke on Wednesday.
Lunch with Sheila was great; we sat out in the sun and I had a chicken salad sandwich while she ate her turkey sandwich and potato salad from Courses. Chicken salad is one of those things that tastes better and better every time you eat it. Soon my entire diet will consist of oatmeal, chicken salad, and sushi. And maybe an occasional burrito.
Naomi and I walked into Boston today to get a bite to eat, and the weather was absolutely gorgeous. We stopped at a pastry shop on Beacon Street--Cafe Vanille--and as we walked in, I noticed a little sign on the door indicating that it won Best of Boston 2001 for best pastry shop. Of course my expectations immediately became unreasonably high, but this was satiated by the fact that I'm a sucker for creamy or custardy food. And what I got was a pear tart with almond custard and a valencia, which had orange mousse layered on top of chocolate mousse. They were absolutely incredible. I've never had such heavenly desserts in my life, except perhaps the souffles at Fio's. It was a whole pear tart, so there's plenty to share around this evening for all of those who aren't inebriating themselves with MAOIs and can't ingest tiramines.
My mother just called and reminded me that today is the day that my brother is competing, as a sophomore, in the Missouri State Track Meet as a pole vaulter. He jumped twelve-foot-something at Sectionals, and should have hit thirteen feet, but the bar was placed too far back and the peak of his jump was a foot or two behind the bar. It's so nice to be able to boast about how amazing my family members are.
We might go swimming now, or we might just go sit out by the river, smoke cigars, and enjoy the beautiful day.
current mood:  accomplished
current music: Madonna - Music Mix 2001 - Part 02 (8 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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11:45 am - It's Summertime, Baby
Let's fucking party.
current mood: excited
current music: Metallica - Nothing Else Matters (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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3:46 am - Oh_My_God
Sleep is so fucking good.
In other news, I met s.e. last week, and he's awesome, but alas, my cell phone is doing stupid things, so I'm not able to call him. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow; it'd be good to see him again before I fly back to St. Louis for the Summer.
"Well, I was kind of hoping to cuddle with you a bit before going home the summer..." sound good? There's no way that gorgeous friend of mine is getting away without at least giving me a prolonged hug. I'm going out to dinner with Mike and some others tomorrow, and then I'm going to try to grab him to see a movie or something Saturday night.
Yes! Christina and Matt really like the mix albums I've downloaded. It's so nice to have your taste in music validated by people who have been listening to the genre a lot longer than you and who know a lot more about it. Or maybe they were just tripping really hard...
Why is every good club in the Boston area at least 19+???
Personal introspection is done, but I was implying that talking about more tangible things is still okay.
current mood: impatient
current music: Paul Oakenfold - Cream Anthems 2001 (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, May 23rd, 2002
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4:42 am
I think I'm going to take a break from LiveJournal introspection for a while. I've sorted out a lot lately and I think I've used it for what it's worth. It's time to go think about other people in the world besides myself.
Summertime! I get to go spend some real time with the people whom I've been missing for nine months.
current mood:  good
current music: Cyndi Lauper - Time After Time (3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Wednesday, May 22nd, 2002
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7:27 am - An interesting experiment:
Getting bored with my current LJ color scheme, and feeling that its blue coldness, while aesthetically pleasing, was getting a bit depressing to view every day, I decided it needed a change. But feeling lazy, and realizing that it'd be good to get at least an hour of nap time before my exam, I tried something that actually worked fairly well (though I'll need to level out a few of the more extreme colors, perhaps): I made the former coordinate for red the coordinate for green, the former coordinate for green the new coordinate for blue, and the former coordinate for blue the new coordinate for red. This way, what was once mostly a blue scheme with a hints of green became mostly a red/ orange scheme. Problem solved.
What would happen if I rotated the colors one more time in the same direction? Ew... that would be way too dark and green wouldn't fit my view of the world at all.
current mood: whimsical
current music: Counting Crows - Round Here (make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, May 20th, 2002
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2:48 am - Who wants to go to a Space Station?
You can, if you have the money and can pass the tests.
Damn. The ultra-wealthy are so privileged. I wanna be rich, mommy.
current mood: green (make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, May 16th, 2002
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7:15 am - Oops
It has been brought to my attention since writing the last entry that a number of my St. Louis friends, including a few of the close ones--'specially you and you, Lnzy and Susilu--still update all of the time. The outcry was mostly directed at Mara and Jenny and Clayton, whose little LJ icons haven't made appearances on my friends page in a while.
current mood: back to sleep...
current music: Bob Marley (ATB) - Sun is Shining (remix) (make me feel like a moron)
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Wednesday, May 15th, 2002
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11:26 pm - Hm
Very few of my close St. Louis friends have updated in several weeks. What's going on in your lives?
current mood:  curious
current music: Nobuo Uematsu - Suteki da ne (6 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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4:22 am - YES
a) I'm over Mike. I don't know why I let myself be crazy about him for so long, anyway. Stupid emotions.
b, and more important) My acting journal isn't due until Monday. This means I have five solid days to fabricate entries.
c, and even more important) Calzones are ready. Which to try first? Seasoned eggplant with various sauteed vegetables and mozzarella? Or blackened chicken with sundried tomato/ regular tomato/ garlic pesto, and mozzarella?
current mood: devious
current music: Yasunori Mitsuda - To Far Away Times (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, May 13th, 2002
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2:30 am - Movies seen tonight
Blazing Saddles
Army of Darkness
Jerry Springer: Too Hot for TV (the first one)
GO
Definitely see the first, the second, and the last. If you're feeling like white trash, watch the third. It has enough to fill a whole trailer park with drama.
current music: DJ Mystik - Dreaming (5 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Sunday, May 12th, 2002
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9:42 pm - this one's cute
current mood: very well rested
current music: Irene Cara - Fame (make me feel like a moron)
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5:19 am - Ready to live again
I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've said everything I've wanted to say for weeks.
current mood: renewed
current music: Shakira - Estoy Aqui (make me feel like a moron)
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5:18 am - Damn, this girl's cool
CDA's friend Kylie, who graduated a few months ago, has been hanging out back in suite 433 for the past couple of days. She's lived in several really cool places, including Australia, and is a huge wine and beer connoisseur. She's great company, partly because she's smart, partly because she's damn funny and has a great laugh, but probably mostly because she seems so energized by the person to whom she is talking and seems to have a dozen common interests with everyone. There should be more people in the world who make it so obvious that they thoroughly appreciate others' company with wide eyes and lips that seem as though they're always about to break into a grin.
current mood: distant
current music: Yasunori Mitsuda - To Far Away Times (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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2:58 am - Being on one's feet for three hours
Feels great once it's done. I'm glad I accidentally took the C line instead of the D line on the T, didn't figure it out until I was way out past Brookline, walked all around and way over to Boylston, found the party and walked around a bit meeting people but didn't stay long because I only knew two people there, and then walked all the way back to MIT from southwestern Brookline, not realizing that certain streets turned me in wrong directions and having to backtrack a few times.
It's getting cold out tonight. It's good it didn't take me much longer; all I had on my torso was a sparkly button down shirt.
Mike still hasn't written back. I wonder if he's going to bother. God... this whole mess wouldn't have ever happened if I hadn't been so scared to be more physical with him than he wanted to be, if I hadn't introduced him to my friends on the night of a hashish binge, if I hadn't stopped by his room so often so early.
Two weeks and a day until I go home. Two weeks and a day until I see Bruce and get my mind off of things.
current mood: physically great, but sad
current music: K.D. Lang - So In Love (3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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2:45 am - further elaboration from the previous entry
(this was a reply to an anonymous comment there)
Of course I'm not incapable of changing my perception of the world on my own. But until I tripped, I had no reason to do so. Like I said, consciously, any idiot off of the street is probably aware that their perception of the world is limited to what their senses can tell them. What tripping did was it proved to my subconscious mind what my conscious mind already knew, through making it so that my mind was warping perceptions into things that were occasionally utterly wrong, so there's now subconscious awareness to the fact that what I think is in front of me is merely what my brain tells me I'm seeing... which is what lets me have lucid dreams much much more frequently now: I'm able to recognize, even in an unconscious state, when the signals I'm receiving are consistently as elaborate as they usually are.
current music: Tori Amos - Winter (make me feel like a moron)
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Saturday, May 11th, 2002
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7:01 pm - One last outcry for Tripping BALLZ
A new friend of mine made the comment last night that his brother had warned him before he first took a tab of acid that his outlook on the world would never be the same thereafter. And, having since taken that tab and a dozen more, he agrees: never, since that first trip, has he seen things the same way.
What is the difference? Before one ever drops, one may be able to consciously admit that the way one sees things is simply one's own mind's interpretation of signals their body is receiving, but subconsciously, they treat every sensory signal they receive as something that must have happened, not just as something that their mind interprets as having happened. Once one's conscious way of thinking has been altered by LSD and then returns to its starting state after the trip, one becomes utterly aware that the way one sees things is just that--the way one sees things. It's often correct, but receipt of sensory input is just the mind's interpretation of nearby events; never again does is one subconsciously incognizant of the fact that it isn't necessarily reality.
Before I tripped, I saw the world as the world. Ever since then, I've seen it as the world that I see. Maybe it's made me even more self-centered than before, but this is probably because I realize now more than ever that I am in no position to provide a decent analysis of anyone's mind but my own. Discussing other people is still great fun, but that can be saved for in-person conversation; it's not usually worth it to risk insulting them with misconceptions, were they to find what's been sealed in writing.
I don't trip on LSD anymore; I haven't (as I haven't done a lot of stuff anymore) since February 22nd. But it's nothing but cowardice for most people not to try it once. One is missing out on an experience that makes one more aware for the rest of one's life. And don't give me shit about how much dain bramage comes from one measly tab; unless people are schizoid or otherwise mentally unstable to begin with, a touch of LSD isn't going to cause permanent damage more harmful than a thin cut causes.
current mood: starving
current music: Barenaked Ladies - The Old Apartment (11 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Friday, May 10th, 2002
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4:50 pm - All time high, baby
21 Entries this week and counting (several are locked to only certain people.) This makes 22.
Whom should I discuss next? Me, myself, or I?
current mood: self absorbed
current music: DJ-CG mixed - Dance Summer Clubmix 2001 (3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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4:48 pm - Flirting it up long-distance
Wow. Talking to all of the guys who are interested in me back at home is really helping me get my mind off of Mike. Especially Bruce... now that he's finally single, there's a big chance we could end up having a summer fling. It seems that the trend of guys I actually date is going to be smart half-Asian boy after smart half-Asian boy after smart half-Asian boy. And that's just the way I like it.
God, I love to flirt, especially online, when I can put a little more preparation into everything I say.
current music: DJ-CG mixed - Dance Summer Clubmix 2001 (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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4:37 pm - It's gonna be an awesome summer
Mark Feldman informed me that there aren't going to be any opportunities for me to get paid doing Math research work this summer, but an even better prospect has opened up:
John is moving to a newer, much nicer apartment this Summer. After a few weeks, one of his roommates there is going to be moving out, and the rent is only $350 a month, so I might move in with him for the summer. How will I pay for this? He also told me that the restaurant where he works, Casa Grill at the Galleria, is in need of hosts to work for the Summer, and the pay is $8 an hour, which isn't bad at all for hosting. It'll be more relaxing than working at Denny's, and if I schedule it so that my hours coincide with his, transportation won't be any issue.
Finally, I'm going to become somewhat self-sufficient, and at the same time I'll get the reward of getting to stay out as late as I please and getting to take whomever home I please and simply having a great deal more freedom. It'll be frustrating for a lot of my friends back home to see me get as intimately involved with the St. Louis gay scene as I probably will, but that's what will make me most satisfied, so that's what I'll try to make happen. Maybe they'll even realize that flaming homosexual company can be just as interesting as the company of crazy sci-fi nerds and the like, and they'll come out with me instead of getting frustrated that I'm not spending as much time with them as I used to. Jenny , you in particular I think would really enjoy some of my gay friends, and I think they'd really like you and your sense of humor.
Now, a disclaimer for those who know me back home and have enjoyed my company in the past:
My personality has recently melded together into something I can claim as being thoroughly me; I'm just as analytical as I always was, but yeah, I enjoy the trivial pleasures of materialism and gossip, and I no longer pretend to have guilt about what I enjoy. In fact, "pretending" is leaving my repertoire as a way to approach social situations; people around here like me for the brilliant, often silly but very conscientious when necessary, diva--yes, diva--that I am. My ego is an inescapable thing, but my new approach, rather than to get a kick out of me, is to get a kick out of us. We rock, we're going to go party it up and be fierce together, we are the center of the world and it's wonderful. Nick is probably going to be repelled by the way I am, but I'll not bother to make an effort to appease him anymore, nor will I make an effort to appease Mara when she starts to take issue with certain personality traits, because all that ever did was provide them temporary and artificial satisfaction, at the same time frustrating me into a holed up, generally unhappy state of being. People in general like me better when I'm this way, and I by far am much much happier, so holding onto a few troubled friendships isn't worth it if it means pretending to be somebody I'm not (though of course I'd love to continue to hang out and be great friends if they appreciate the way I am now.) I still am nice to everyone, perhaps even a lot more considerate than I used to be about their feelings, but in a very different, much more honest way. Many don't like Mara because of the way she is, by no malevolent fault of her own, and it's completely justifiable for me to accept the fact that some people don't like the way I am, by no fault of my own. It's unfortunate that a few of them have been good friends and close confidants of mine in the past.
current mood:  relaxed
current music: DJ-CG mixed - Dance Summer Clubmix 2001 (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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3:11 pm - A wise decision at last
I was talking to Helena and her friend Maia today, and when I saw Mike coming down the hall, I quickly said goodbye and made a B-line away from him. I think I'll adopt this as my new policy as much as I can for the next week... if he wants to see me, he'll call or e-mail me (and I'm sure this won't happen after the events of yesterday and last night.) This will let me stop analyzing every moment of our time together, since there simply won't be any time together, and get my mind off of him, and he can enjoy some freedom from my emotional madness.
Focus is a great thing in school. Too bad it fucks personal life up so obscenely.
Side note: God, John Goler has the most awkwardly hunched muscular physique I've ever seen. Ew.
current mood: decaffeinating
current music: Madonna - Frozen (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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2:54 pm - The home stretch, at last
I just finished my last Organic Chemistry test, and it went really damn well. Our lowest score gets dropped, so ultimately, I should be able to pull off a B+ or A- or so in the class, which isn't bad at all, considering that I only made it to one lecture this entire term.
I'm a bit worried about my grade in 18.034--Differential Equations with Theory--but not that much, because I know, like I did with 18.022--Analytical Calculus II--last term, that I'll study well with a friend or two and do absolutely beautifully on the final.
And then there's always 18.100B, Analysis I, which rocks my world so much that I don't even care if I get an A or a C (though I'm sure my grade will be much closer to the former.)
No more problem sets, no more tests... all that's left is performing one acting scene, catching up on and turning in my acting journal, and then cleaning up with my exams. Thereafter comes graduation and parties and the endless joy of summer.
current mood: yay
current music: NSync - No Strings Attached (make me feel like a moron)
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6:58 am - You mean there are other people who love analyzing as much as I do? And they like to hear me talk a
Wow. I just talked to my friend Dimitri--nickname "Dima"--on IM for a really really long time. In fact, we're still talking. We haven't talked since we met last summer at Denny's, but now we've been carrying on an intelligent, prolonged conversation since... shit. We've been talking for two hours now. I need to get some sleep before my test.
Isn't it great when almost strangers pull you aside and talk your ear off, and, by the end of the conversation, you feel like they're an old acquaintance and the discussion has changed from a "tell me about yourself" to a "let's catch up on what we've missed" or even a "let's discuss this again" feel.
...
And now, after talking to him for yet another hour, I've fallen completely and madly in love with this guy's brain. He's one of the most thoughtful (I don't mean "thoughtful" as in careful about others' feelings; I mean it as in freely applying deep thought to any given topic of discussion) people I've ever met.
And he's wild about the way I think as well. He needs to be careful, though, about what he appreciates in me; I don't want him to make the same mistake Nick and so many others made, assuming that my own depth of thought implied an inherently higher depth of morality, and feeling like they'd lost me after I changed what was ostensibly a moral foundation. Maybe that's why Mara mentioned to me that Paul and a few others are frustrated by me because they don't understand me: I am cognizant of every wrong I commit to myself, yet I go ahead and commit such wrongs, because intellect alone does not provide a solid foundation from which to compare many pros and cons of various situations, so care gets thrown to the wind.
And this has led me to consider this hypothesis:
It would probably be good to develop a stronger moral code with which to approach my own well-being at some point, as that would perhaps provide a foundation for greater self confidence. I'm capable of appreciating confidence from others and giving it to others because I believe in a strong moral code for the treatment of others. But my own confidence in myself is very limited because I have a very limited moral foundation for evaluation of self treatment on which to base self-confidence.
current mood: impressed
current music: Tori Amos - I'm not in Love (10 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, May 9th, 2002
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4:37 am - Some modifications from last time
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: Moderate
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low
current mood: tired and pleasant
current music: Elton John - My Strongest Suit (make me feel like a moron)
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1:49 am - Oh hell yes
My friend Libby just informed me that there's going to be a huge party for all of the graduating seniors the night after graduation. After thinking about how much fun it would be to see everyone again for a while, I started thinking about the party itself, and it hit me: this is going to be the first time almost any of them have seen me dance since prom. This is going to be so much fun: I am going to work it out on-the-spot flashy and frequently difficult coreography, and show off a new talent of mine to which I honestly do value with intent, as an image booster and as something to assist my stage career in the future (musicals have much more potential now that I've better tamed my vibrato to be the size I want it to be.) This is going to rock.
And then I'll fascinate all of the intellectuals who can see past image with my new philosophical learnings from Math and Physics and my Justice class, and from some of the brilliant minds that are my schoolmates.
current mood: DIVA
current music: Dido - Take My Hand (make me feel like a moron)
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Wednesday, May 8th, 2002
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9:23 pm - I want my Chinese...
GAH! Why does he take so long in the fucking lab? I'm starving!
current mood: hungry
current music: R.E.M. - Drive (make me feel like a moron)
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4:21 am - Just Pelted
With a whole lot of corn. That's what I get for being obnoxious... er, special.
Also, here is a shot of me post mud-wrestling (I'm the little one with the perky ass... and Mike is in that shot, too: he's the one standing with a group of girls on the far left laughing and clapping, but it's a terribly unflattering shot of him; I'll find you all a better one.)
current mood: half asleep
current music: Ricky Martin & Christina Aguilera - Nobody Wants to Be Lonely (5 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Tuesday, May 7th, 2002
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10:04 pm - ROFL
This is wonderful.
current mood: quite amused
current music: ??? - Meridian Child (make me feel like a moron)
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9:14 pm - Dreaming for Fun
Commi123 (9:00:23 PM): I had a dream last night about swimming
FslexcDuck (9:01:35 PM): haha what was the dream?
Commi123 (9:02:08 PM): except the ocean water was freezing cold, and there were big ship-like things, right up against the building from which we were getting in, that kept getting pushed around whenever I would accidentally touch one, so we all had to swim around really quickly to push them back up into the shallower water
Commi123 (9:02:26 PM): Naomi tried to swim under one, and then she got stuck, so I had to go rescue her
Commi123 (9:04:20 PM): Mike was there, too, but he seemed to be dodging me for most of the dream, until I "woke up"--found myself back inside the building on the shore lying in some bed--and he and Naomi were sitting there by my desk. I asked them if they wanted to go swimming, and they said yes, and then we all got back in the cold water and pushed around the big ships--I think they were a lot like houseboats, actually--some more
FslexcDuck (9:06:25 PM): so it was a dream within a dream?
Commi123 (9:06:37 PM): yeah. I've been having those a lot lately
FslexcDuck (9:06:42 PM): interesting
Commi123 (9:06:53 PM): it happens when I realize I'm dreaming, and try to wake up, but don't really wake up
Commi123 (9:08:04 PM): I had one the other night where I realized I was dreaming the whole time, and managed to bring all of my best friends and my favorite relatives into the dream, and we were sitting around, lying on pillows and cuddling and watching a movie. it was fun, until, as always, I tried to open my eyes, "woke up," and then started over at the beginning of the evening
FslexcDuck (9:08:19 PM): weird
Commi123 (9:09:48 PM): whenever I wake myself up after a lucid dream, I always feel really refreshed. I think it's because I'm going from a semi-conscious state to a conscious state, instead of from an unconscious state to a conscious one, which is more painful
current mood:  bored
current music: Indigo Girls - Mystery (make me feel like a moron)
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6:33 am - Bjork, you are my Goddess
all the accidents that happen
follow the dot
coincidence makes sense
only with you
you don't have to speak
I feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this
state of emergency
how beautiful to be!
state of emergency
is where I want to be
all that no-one sees
you see
what's inside of me
every nerve that hurts you heal
deep inside of me
you don't have to speak - I feel
emotional landscapes
they puzzle me
confuse
then the riddle gets solved and you push me up to this
state of emergency
how beautiful to be!
state of emergency
is where I want to be
state of emergency
state of emergency
Before last weekend, I had always enjoyed Bjork--especially this song--but somebody put Vespertine on the other night, and I sat back and listened, and it's remarkable: when you really listen to her songs, they're absolutely perfect. I wonder now why I never appreciated her so madly beforehand.
current mood:  blank
current music: Bjork - Joga (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Monday, May 6th, 2002
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3:36 pm - Yo, Rebecca
I found a picture of you (on the far right) from Roast. Enjoy!
current mood: dorky
current music: Dido - My Life (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Saturday, May 4th, 2002
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11:46 pm - SPORT ROAST
THIS PARTY FUCKING ROCKS</font size>
Wow. This is why people talk about Steer Roast all year.
current mood: hell yeah
current music: some band outside working it up (3 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Friday, May 3rd, 2002
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10:51 pm
Well, I did it. I didn't back out of the fight; it would have been sacrificing a lot of pride to do so, and now that it's over, I'm damn glad I went through with it. He kicked my ass, yeah, but not before I got in two good takedowns and not before I had him down for about thirty seconds. And after fighting someone, you build up a lot of respect for them, regardless of who wins. We have respect for each other now, and that means a lot to me.
(12 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Thursday, May 2nd, 2002
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8:25 pm - Feeling like ASS
I hate being sick. I hate not being able to digest food properly. I hate having to blow my nose again every time I drink more water. I hate feeling so fucking weak. I hate dreading this fight tomorrow with Cory. I hate not knowing what the hell Mike thinks about me right now.
Why can't people in this house just be cordial to one another? I say "hi" to Cory as I walk by, and all I get as a response, if any, is a grunt. He rams his arm into Naomi's face when he's drunk, and then starts yelling at her for running into her arm. Then there are people like Sherri, who seem to do things for no reason other than to win the favor of people with social power; she sent out an e-mail the other day mocking me, saying that Cory could kick my ass by simply sneezing on me, and that she'll be delighted to see hundreds of people laughing as my face gets pounded into the mud and as my "designer bikini gets ruined."
Luckily, there are also people like Dan McAnulty, who are nice to everybody, always, and set aside their bitterness at MIT in order to be pleasant to be around.
Hell isn't usually other people. But here, too often it is.
current mood:  depressed
current music: Portishead - Roads (1 instance wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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Wednesday, May 1st, 2002
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11:28 pm - Of course he didn't go to the concert. I'm such a suspicious bastard.
I don't know what it was, but something about hanging out with you tonight made me feel really good. Thank you. I haven't been myself for the past couple weeks, and now the happy-go-luckiness has come back.
Web
P.S. If you don't feel like coming to Roast, I understand. It'll be a great party, but if it's not your really your thing, that's completely reasonable.
current mood:  amused
current music: Gloria Estefan - Party Time Megamix (2 instances wisdom has tried to correct my errant mind | make me feel like a moron)
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