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Saturday, April 20th, 2002
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2:31 am - No, I don't have a brain.
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I am an idiot. I do dumb things sometimes and get myself into trouble. No, I apparantly don't have a brain. I apologize, though it isn't enough, and I know. I am sorry. You won't forgive me, but I'm sorry anyways. I'm sorry for not thinking. I'm sorry for doing dumb shit. I'm sorry for not having a brain. I'm sorry.
current mood:  nauseated
current music: Paul Oakenfold - Jungle High
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(1 something | somekind of something)
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| Monday, April 1st, 2002
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1:08 pm - Bah!
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Figures, things would have to go wrong this week, wouldn't they? Remodeling goin on at my place, Plans of things to do with friends falling through, of course. I'm not suppose to be home right now, but I am. Things didn't go right. (I'll explain it to ya when you get home, Mary.) Ah well. Still got tomorrow off. Hopefully things will set into motion and become a little better, because if not, it's just going to be a week of depression.
current mood:  crappy
current music: Powerman 5000 - Bombshell
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(somekind of something)
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| Wednesday, March 13th, 2002
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2:24 pm - Why am I up?
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Why am I up? Why am I feeling depressed? I'm so sick of feeling depressed. I like to be alone at times, but when I am, it makes me depressed. Does that mean that I actually enjoy being depressed at times? Wierd. At work, my my mind strays in so many different directions that I haven't the time to be depressed. After work, I've got one mindset.....be with Mary. I've for the most part disassociated myself from my friends. It's just work and Mary. I've attempted to start hanging with friends again these past couple weeks, but things didn't work out quite so well, and it didn't make some people happy, including myself. I guess I'll just give up on trying to please everyone. If my friends are true ones, then they'll remain there regardless, just as I would for them. Anyhow, why am I up? I can't sleep. I wish my love were here with me. I'd be fast asleep then. Resting with her in my arms....the greatest feeling.
**************************************
When I see thee
I know not why
My heart grows warm
As I look into your eyes
Not a day is there
Without a thought of you
Your beautiful hair
And eyes that glisten like the dew
I long for the day
That I hold thee close
What I cannot say
My heart will show
I now know
That I love thee
My heart is yours
But does your heart belong to me?
My dreams whisper your name
As I slumber in my bed
Longing for you burns like a flame
Thoughts of you fill my head
I hear your voice
I search for the one I love
But all that I find
Is the shadow of your memory
Know that I love you
With all of my soul
There is no end
To the joy I feel when with you
If you were to leave me
I could not go on
So please say you love me
And I will hold you close
**************************************
Look at me, I'm writing poetry at 2 in the morning. It's usually the best time I guess. On those restless nights. Anyhow, how's life treating all you people out there? (If anyone even reads this) I'm doing ok I guess. Gonna be getting my own place in a couple months. My mom's getting married again. I'm suppose to give her away at the wedding. That's coo I guess. Work's going good. Only about 2 more months before insurance and 401k kicks into gear. Is there anyone out there reading this? I don't care who you are, reply. Hook me up here. Lemme know what ya think. Hell, I kinda even miss the Ann. Asshole who was replying to my things. Life wouldn't be life without at least one asshole in it.
-Bah
--I'm going to try and sleep.
---Bah
current mood: restless
current music: The Strokes - Last Night
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(11 somethings | somekind of something)
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| Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
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3:53 am - Doesn't it figure?
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Well, so here's how my day went yesterday. I found out that there's at least a 50/50 chance that my dad will die within a year or so. Great news, right? That sucks. I admit, I don't have a wonderful relationship with my father. Him and I are finally getting on good terms, and now all of a suddenly he might be gone? I don't want it to end like this. I want us to repairs things a little more. And it takes time to do that. Time that he might not have. Figures. Just the way things go for me. So, for the second thing that just happened to pop onto me. My first serious relationship....my first love. She was the one I always thought things went good with. I thought we just grew apart while being long distance. It was the only relationship that I've been in, and been out of that I thought went good. She didn't treat me wrong or cheat on me. We just grew apart, right? Wrong! Ha! Of course! I found out last night that she actually did cheat on me....with the guy that I always despised the most around that area. Just great huh? Figures. That means, that _every_ girlfriend I've ever had, serious or not, has cheated on me. Just the way my life goes with relationships. Despite that, however, I try to remain confidence that Mary won't cheat on me. I believe her when she tells me she won't. She's been cheated on before, so she knows how it feels. So, I don't think she will cheat on me. I'm not gonna let this relationship get fucked up like all my others. It's time for a change.
current mood: crushed
current music: Daft Punk - One More Time
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(somekind of something)
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| Monday, February 25th, 2002
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2:45 am - Lost in Love
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Love can be a wonderous thing, can't it? Bein in love.....completes a person's soul. Luckily I've found someone to help complete me. It's nice to have someone make you feel special. I feel special. My life is starting to get on track again. I'm no longer hopelessly spinning out of control through the darkness. There's something here for me to hold on to. And I shall hold on to her for a long time. I'll not let anyone come between us, no matter the cost. Well, I have to go see her now. Take care to whomever might check up on this to see how my strange little life is going.
current mood:  hopeful
current music: Paul Oakenfold - Lost in Love
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(somekind of something)
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| Friday, February 15th, 2002
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11:49 am - What's it matter?
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Why does it really matter? Why does anything really matter? Why does the human mind go through fits of depression. We know what we want, we know things are going well and yet there are still times of depression. Why? I don't feel like doing anything. Just block myself from the world. Curl up into a ball, and block off the outside world. They wouldn't care. Just one less concern in our meaningless hassles of life. Why do I talk like this? Can anyone explain it to me? Tomorrow I'll be happy, with the one I love, and close friends. I'll be more than happy to be open to life. And yet, at the moment I feel as if no one cares. No one ever will, and that there's no point in anything. You die eventually. Whatever you leave behind will eventually become forgotten.
***
Digital whispers of love
Sigils glisten on tongues
And history of heaven above
A vigil listens on and on...
***
Fuck off, or be happy. I don't care right now. Tired. Sleep awaits. Bye.
current mood: depressed
current music: No Doubt - I'm Just A Girl
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(somekind of something)
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| Wednesday, January 23rd, 2002
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1:37 am - Ouchy ouchie oowww oww ow
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Yeah. I just got finish smashing my two middle fingers on my right hand in my truck door. I close the door with my left hand, try to walk away and realize that my hand isn't moving. I look back to see my fingers stuck in the door. Talk about delayed reaction. Didn't feel the pain till after I opened the door to remove them. Makes it a bit hard to type. Ahhh well, I gotta go get Mary soon anyway. Seeing her will take my mind off of it.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Over My Hear - Lit
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(somekind of something)
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| Saturday, January 12th, 2002
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1:36 am - Another Day
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Another day down
Another day to go
Another day to waste away
Another day to live as so
Today wasn't so bad. Although I almost missed my 10 o'clock app. Alarm clock went off at the usual time to wake up my roommate. As usual, he got up, turned it off, yaddya yaddya yaddya, blah blah blah and all that good stuff. Well, he was suppose to reset it for me to get up at 8. He reset it for 6 though. Only problem with that, is that it was already past 6. So, it was set for 6 am tomorrow. Go figure. I managed to somehow get up at 9:30 though, and rush my ass off, to get there with 5 minutes to spare. Dunno how I accomplished that. Bah, filled out bunches of tax striznit. Got my uniform and everything. Fun fun. All part of the process of getting my life a little more organized, and functionable. The highpoint of my day? Seeing Mary. Hasn't happened yet, but I'm anxiously awaiting the time. I should prolly go home now. Nothin else to do here really.
Hrrrmmm.....
If I were a dead animal on the side of the road, would you:
a) Pass me by without a thought.
b) Stop, pick me up with some type of device, and give me a proper
burial.
c) Run me over to feel the squishing sensation beneath your tires.
d) Run me over and then give me a proper burial.
current mood:  anxious
current music: Electrasy - Cosmic Castaway
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(3 somethings | somekind of something)
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| Wednesday, January 9th, 2002
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10:29 pm - The Sky is Green and I Hate Your Teeth
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So, I take forever and a day to post another message on here? Any surprise at that considering that I don't have daily comp access anymore? :( Ahhh well. Life's been going decent. Been a little sick, but Mary has been taking care of me.(It's nice to feel someone close to you in your not-so-best-of-times) Finally gettin another job. I start in a week. It's pretty much bitch work, but it's a job none the less. I hate living with my family. Got into a fight with my uncle this morning because I didn't want to bring -his- son to school. It's not my fault -his- son didn't get up on time. And it's not my responsibility either. I had other things to do. For instance, to get ready for a damn meeting type thing whatever at the human resources for Casino Magic this morning. I was suppose to bring him to school then come back and rush to get ready in time??? Well, I finally got fed up with his bitching, grabbed my clothes, told my cousin to come on and stormed out of the house. Dropped him off and came to a friends house here in the Bay to get ready, so that I wouldn't waste gas. I swear, certain people in my family are such crack heads. Too many years of doing drugs has fried their brains. Nothing I can do really though. Just put up with living with them for a few more months, unless I find someone else who'll let me move in for free for a while, till I get my money problems back in check.
List of Wierd Shit:
-My cold is going away in a shorter amount of time than usual.
-Mary's intermediate family likes me.
-I might actually enjoy this new job.
-I don't spend much time with friends anymore.
-There's actually a person close to me who cares for me in the same
manner.
-I'm starting to get out of roleplaying.
-I'll be 20 in less than a year.
-I might be growing up.
current mood:  frustrated
current music: Sober - Tool
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(2 somethings | somekind of something)
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| Saturday, December 15th, 2001
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3:04 am - HA! I'm finally posting!
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Well, I'm finally getting this journal thing all up 'n stuff. So go me! I've had this account for a few weeks now but just haven't had any time to work on it. That'll change a little hopefully though.
Where should I start? Hrrmmmm...I guess a little run down on how I've been is in call. Things have been pretty crazy, but not. It's like, it'll get so hectic that I begin thinking I'm gonna lose my mind, then losen up to the point of relaxation. Kinda, I guess, yeah. STUFF!! I mean, well, "man I tell you one thing" I've been enjoying my time with Mary. She's the greatest, really. Her personality is soooooo awesome. We're having quite a bit of fun together. *ahem*rock*ahem* Especially watching movies, considering I can't ever get her to stop laughing during them. Jeez, you'd think I could be funny at times or something. Hrmm, 3:04 am and I'm still up. I need to be in Long Beach by like, 8:30 am or so. If I sleep now I'll never get up in time, and I can't be late or miss my appointment. So mabye I'll just stay up all night. I'm not tired anyway. Yeah, I'll do that. Being awake is sometimes good. For instance, I get to chat with friends online whom I've not spoken with in forever and a day.
Yeah, Being Awake.
Yeah, Daft Punk.
Yeah, Stuff.
current mood:  awake
current music: Daft Punk - Digital Love
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(5 somethings | somekind of something)
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