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Thursday, August 23rd, 2001
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9:01 am - for once in my life, I want to do things that will make me happy
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My family is so damn frustrating. They listen to my conversations when I'm on the phone, and my sister tries to look at my aim conversations. My mom goes into my stuff, and my dad barges into my room whenever he feels like it. What did I do to deserve this? I've never done anything that would make them not trust me. I hate living in this hellhole.
OK, now that I've had time to digest everything that happened yesterday, still don't really know how I feel about it all. I don't want anything from him. No commitment, no relationship, nothing. I just don't want to get pregnant. And in a way, I guess I feel cheated too. I mean, the first guy I kiss I don't like. The first guy I fool around with, I don't like, same with going down on him. ::sigh:: I'm so great like this.
I suppose I shouldn't be too depressed. After all, I guess I'm young...16...it's not that young though. I just wish a guy could care about me. As more than a friend. Damn, this is so depressing, b/c everybody who knows my history knows that I am just so great with guys. Well, flirting with guys is easy. If I just see a guy who's remotely attractive and wouldn't mind me flirting, I do it. Natural reaction, not a big deal. Even if I don't like him. I guess my problem is just actually doing something. Taking action. I have issues.
If you want something, you should take action towards achieving that goal.
Not looking forward to school. At all. But maybe I will find a guy, and get a boyfriend. I'm not desperate for one, but it might be nice.
People say my standards are too low. For fooling around. My absolute requirement is friendship. That's kinda funny actually. If a guy wants to fool around and they're my friend and I find them attractive, I will most likely say yes. How pathetic, but I guess I'm "too nice" like that. I just want people to be happy. And I try to do what I can. And I hate saying no. My actual, ideal requirements would be laughed at. Because they're impossible.
I want to do something for myself. But that's so selfish.
I should hate him, right? That's what people say. But I don't. I don't hate him, I don't feel anything toward him. Sad thing is, I don't know what I would say if he asked me to come over again. In my mind, the next time I do something like this, I want it to be with somebody who cares about me (ideally, a boyfriend). But since the chances of that happening are virtually nonexistent, I will not be doing anything for a while. Good thing I can control myself. Well, actually, I kinda have to. Not my choice to make.
One-sided relationships are awful. It sucks knowing that you care about somebody, but they will never feel the same way.
I have no idea what people think of me now. Most likely that I am a little slut/whore. But really, I didn't enjoy doing it. Not without any emotion. But still, hooking up with friends? I'm not a slut. I guess I'm just confused about what I want.
Cannot think of anything to say. School is rapidly approaching. People are coming and leaving. That makes me sad. Change is hard to accept. My relatives (cousin, aunt) are arriving next Monday. Should be okay, I like them.
I wish I liked somebody. And knew that something could happen between us.
current mood:  sad
current music: Pardon Me ~ Incubus
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| Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001
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3:09 pm - Never try to fake emotions or try to change how you really feel
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Went down on Dan. I don't feel anything for him. Yea, we're friends, and I tried to get that feeling of friendship there, but it didn't happen. It felt all wrong. I felt absolutely nothing. And when that happens, it's hard to do anything.
Need gum. Lots of it.
Also am worried about other things. Need a shower. With lots of hot water
current mood:  anxious
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8:37 am - he gets a kick out of physically hurting me
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It's so weird lately. It's like I'm drifting further and further away from reality, life, whatever it is. What a depressing thought. I feel so far away from it all.
Didn't sleep too well. Got up at 1:40 or so, couldn't sleep. Then I had to get up at 6 so we could drop them off at the airport. Don't really know how I feel about that, there will be more relatives coming along and whatnot. More cleaning to do, must wash the sheets and stuff.
I don't care about anything anymore. I do everything I can to make people/friends happy, and sometimes I worry that it isn't enough. And other times I just want to say "fuck this." I'm so evil. But sometimes, certain people just really push it.
Now have about $240 in cash. Money is fun, you can buy stuff. I really need clothes.
I wish I could know how people felt about me. That'd be interesting. And on the other hand, I wouldn't want to know. Hehe, probably all muttering "that stupid, annoying clingy bitch..."
Am switching between serious paragraphs and stupid ones. So now I have to write about something trivial. School is coming up really really fast, I'm not really looking forward to any part of it. I guess the finding guys to flirt with might be fun, but I just feel really tired and exhausted. Spent. It's like I've given as much as I can, and people still expect more.
Cannot think of anything to say. Just waiting for something to happen so I can snap out of this mood I'm in and try to feel something.
Current Pet Peeve: Nobody touches me unless I want you to.
current mood: lonely
current music: The Rock Show ~ Blink 182
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| Tuesday, August 21st, 2001
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6:37 pm - Sometimes I completely remove myself from life
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So said loser boy in previous journal entry is okay I guess. ::sigh:: Was upset for about 2 hours about something he said. Then I got over it. But anyway, might, just might fool around with Dan again. He said it felt good, and I have to agree. Even if I feel nothing for him.
Life is meaingless. What's the point of it all? And none of it really matters.
current mood: numb
current music: Teenage Dirtbag ~ Wheatus
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2:16 pm - I am disgusted with the way ppl act sometimes
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Anyway, was able to escape my lil prison (aka house) and went to the mall with Steph. It was fun, walked around, that store with all the weird stuff in it was funny. Oh yes, tried on a dress! It was okay, but I am too short. They need to make dresses for lil ppl.
On the other hand, I have really nice friends. ::sigh:: What a great thing to have.
Somebody is trying to avoid me. How stupid. Especially since he is overestimating himself. I could not give a f*** about that loser. Well, maybe I do...but I really don't care about what he does.
But if I say that, then it just leaves me...with nothing. But than again, that is the way I always end up. With nothing. Especially when it concerns matters such as this. But really, I am tired of thinking about things that will never happen. I am also really tired of getting rejected.
I just wish somebody wanted me. I wish somebody cared.
Am going to go bowling later this afternoon. What a fun day for lil Casey. I will not be cooped up in my house all day. I will get to do stuff! Even if it is with my sister and my cousins who do not speak English and occasionally annoy me.
Watched Enemy At The Gates. So now, I have this thing for Joe Fiennes and Jude Law. Hmm...I love a guys' eyes. Among other things.
Steph gave me the idea to dye my hair...blue black. Like really really black. That might be fun. Because sometimes my hair looks reddish. Maybe if I make it even more dark, I can complete my lil goth look. Oh yes, also bought this black nail polish to match the majority of my outfits. Organized my closet according to colors...black, gray, white, red/pink, blue...which one do you think takes up the most space? Must find more black clothes. Despite everybody else's insistence that I need to wear color.
Am feeling very gothic and depressed. I hate how just one person can affect my mood. And who gives a fuck about him anyway? He has no reason to avoid me. Yet he is. ::sigh:: I guess I never learn my lesson.
I hate the trash people. I gave them something at the last minute. Felt really stupid holding this ironing board. But anyway, when I was walking back up to the house, they were like, aow! Some crap like that...and then when I went to Best Buy, this guy howled at me. What the hell is it with guys and acting like dogs? Jeez...
I never know what I want.
Am not looking forward to the whole school scene. Besides doing those stupid classes which I'm not really enthusiastic about, I have to do the whole social thing. Which means making friends. And to be honest, I don't feel like making the effort to get to know people. Really, I thought I would be over the fact that I hate Westfield, but I'm not. I really don't relate to anybody there, except the friends I have now. But I suppose I must be cheerful and try not to be too gothic and make a few friends. Honestly though, I would rather just retreat into my dark little shell.
Guys are another matter too. I've never had any problem getting along with guys before, I like having guy friends, it's fun. But I have a feeling that sorting through Westfield and putting aside the losers/jerks/perverts/dumbasses from the sweet/nice ones will take way too much effort. Guys suck anyway. But I still need them.
Am downloading my music. Everything is either rock/metal/punk/punk rock/alternative/gothic rock/industrial/trance/house. ::sigh:: Music really does say a lot about a person.
This is stupid, who cares?
current mood: depressed
current music: Anthem for the Year 2000 ~ Silverchair
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| Monday, August 20th, 2001
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3:12 pm - I'm afraid of what I might find
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Suppose I should make an update. But there's really nothing to say. Life is really monotonous. I just wish something would happen. There's no point to this anymore if I don't feel anything. Sometimes my lack of emotion scares me.
Sometimes I think he cares. And than I face reality
current mood: sad
current music: Life ~ Our Lady Peace, I'll Be ~ Edwin McCain
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| Sunday, August 19th, 2001
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1:35 pm - You know we're perfect for each other. So the question is, are you attracted to me?
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I finally have internet access...at my own computer! I'm so happy right now! Not really, but this is a good reason to be happy. This way, my sister won't look at my convos. Hmm...anyway, intial euphoria about Dan is over. Now the part comes where all these paranoid fears sink in, and I start thinking about what it really meant. Really, I hate this part. I wish I could just enjoy things without having to analyze it. But than again, if I did that, I wouldn't be me. Anyway, so Rabia brought up a really good question that I guess got me started on all this. Boy 1 vs. boy 2. ::sigh:: I have been mulling over this problem for a long time, and now I just realized that there's no point to it, b/c it'll never happen. Every guy I ever meet I am "just friends" with. I am so tired of being "just friends" though. I suppose that in the end, this is all happening for a reason, right? Hmm...but another part of me is saying, I want to have to my cake and eat it too. Forgive the cliches. But anyway...I don't know. There is no point to thinking about this, b/c it would never happen. With boy 1 or boy 2. If I have one, I'll want the other. No, not really...I don't know. Boys are so simple, and yet really confusing.
OK, well, my dad is hassling us to go to Best Buy. My sister needs a new computer, hers is pathetic. So is mine..boo hoo...I will be stuck with this ancient piece of crap (not really, but still). ::sigh:: I hate Best Buy though. It is a really nice store, which means it sucks away all of your money. And right now for some reason, I have a lot of cash on my hands. Still, my bank account is another matter. Either I could potentially have $2000 or nothing. OK, I'm rambling, I will shut up...eventually...someday.
I can't really think of anything to say. I have internet access..finally! And my parents might let me get my license...just must find out when the classes are or whatever. But I still can't park worth shit. I'm getting better though...kinda.
Oh yea, we evidently have more time to finish our summer homework. I am so glad, this way I'm not completely screwed. I hate school. Not looking forward to any of it...not the actual work part, get along with your teacher part, make friends (too much effort, don't see the point), and find guys to flirt with. Hmm...maybe the last part will be fun...
I have no right to feel the way I do. But I can't help it.
current mood:  bored
current music: Conflict ~ Disturbed
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| Thursday, August 16th, 2001
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11:20 am - boys are great tension relievers
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So I hooked up with Dan...so much fun! It was really nice, he was really sweet about it. You would think that it would be weird, fooling around with your friend, but not really. He dropped me off, and it was cool. And it was really nice afterward, b/c we were just laying on his bed...yum...anyway, yea, not going to spill all the gory lil details in this, how disgusting. But overall, great experience. I feel so much better...at least for a little while. And the best thing is that we're just friends. Who knew things can actually turn out well? OK, I'll stop rambling. But other than that, nothing much has happened. I feel really sick...food makes me so sick lately...it's weird. But whatever, I need to stop eating so much anyway. Hope nothing is wrong with me, that would be a hassle. Especially since my parents seem to have gotten it into their heads that they need to pay more attention to me (reason: wrists). So I guess they're paying more attention to that kind of stuff. Than again, they've just noticed now? ::sigh:: Well, I suppose I should be grateful that they give a f*** at all. And I am I guess...but sooner or later, I'm guessing sooner, they'll just be assholes again. Well, whatever, I don't care. Nothing is really on my mind, except that I had a lot of fun yesterday, I don't really care whether he likes me or not, and I need to finish my summer homework...I have so much of it too...it's awful...it's as though they think we have no lives. Well, I don't, but I would rather do something with my summer than just homework. The only bad thing about yesterday was that my parents and sister interrogated me more than usual about where I'd gone...so yet again, I had to be a lil liar...was it worth it? Oh yea...
current mood:  happy
current music: my sister is playing bsb...what awful crap...
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| Wednesday, August 15th, 2001
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11:30 am - I wish things weren't so complicated
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I don't really have anything to say. Oh yea, I am the biggest liar ever. My mom was like, hey, are those cuts (on your wrist) that you got healed yet? And I was like, yea, it's getting better. So she was like, let me see. And than she started interrogating me about them, and how I got them. Than my dad was all in on it too. And they were being all nice or whatever for about 10 minutes, and than they left my room. But my mom is not an idiot. She was like, this one doesn't look like Dallas did it, are you lying to me? You wouldn't do something stupid like cut yourself, right? And I was like, no...I don't know why I didn't tell her. I'm not sure whether I would get in trouble, but they would think I am even more crazy than I already am. But my mom was like, okay, just be careful when you play with Dallas. I felt awful, and really pathetic, blaming it on the dog, but I can't tell her that I used to cut my wrists. No way, don't even wanna know what might have happened if I'd told her the truth. Anyway, that's the abbreviated version...plus my dad dropped a bowl, and I picked up some of the broken pieces, and they weren't that sharp, but i had this tiny little cut, which my mom also asked me bout...it was all very complicated and i felt awful, but that's all over with, and now i will not cut my wrists...at least not until school starts. Anyway, was really bored, here is a survey that i got off of rabia's journal entry, thanx...
Name: Casey
Nickname(s): shorty, psycho
Eye Color: brown
Height: 5'3
Parents names: Tony and Daisy
Brother or sister's name(s): Tiffany
Your current school and grade: Westfield/rising junior
Your birthday: 4/1/85
Most Favorite...
Soundtrack: The Matrix
Kind of music: rock/punk/alternative/trance/rap
Band: many...most of the stuff on dc101
Song: lots
Sport: tennis
Player in that sport: ::shrugs::
TV show: simpsons, stuff i get the chance to watch
Movie of all time: don't really have one
Actor(s) don't have a thing for actors
Actress(es): ditto
Comic strip: Zits
Cartoon character: they're all stupid/cheesy
Subject: history doesn't suck too much
Teacher: blah...can't spell her name..
Winne the Pooh character: Pooh
Adam Sandler movie: Happy Gilmore
Fast food place: McDonald's
Movie quote: they're all stupid/cliches
Thing to do on the weekend: chillin wit friends/driving
Season: spring
Thing to do in the winter: stay in bed all nice & cozy
Thing to do in the summer: avoid the sun, think about guys
Inside Joke: stop torturing my lil brain...it can only handle so much!!!
Food: something that doesn't make me feel sick
Holiday: Christmas
Thing to talk about: i don't plan out my convos with ppl
Sexual position: haha
Thing to do to the opposite sex: yum...
Thing about the opposite sex: hair/personality/smile/body
Ice Cream: vanilla, cookies n cream
Cologne/Perfume: Bath & Body Works perfume
Commercial: the Nike one
Either or...
Coke or Pepsi: pepsi
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonald's
Single or Taken: depends on the season
Water or Flavored Water: flavored
Being "just" friends or being "more" than friends: usually "more," who's the guy?
Rock or Rap: rock
Limp Bizkit or Korn: too hard...they're both good
Biggie or Tupac: what?
Crying or smiling: depends on how i feel
Working or Not: not
Going out or Staying in: going out
Movies or Mall: mall
Sleeping or Being awake: sleeping
Batman or Superman: they're both gay
Boxers or Briefs: Boxers
To give or to receive: both
X's or O's: which one is which?
Pen or pencil: pencil
Love or lust: love includes lust
Diamonds or pearls: diamonds
Sunrise or sunset: sunset...no way i'm getting up that early
Sun or moon: moon
Shower or bath: bath
Tighty whiteys or boxers: Boxers
Who is...
Your best friend: Rabia, Steph
The most trustworthy person: my close friends
Your current boy/girlfriend: single is i
Current crush(s): hehe...actually, nobody
The smartest person you know:
The nicest person you know: my close friends
The funniest person you know:
Just an all-around great person: All my close friends
The rudest person you know: family/relatives
The most annoying person you know: family/relatives
The biggest flirt:
The loudest person you know:
The quietest person you know:
The hottest person you know: u know ur so sexy!
Cutest Couple: nobody I know is involved wit anybody else
Past Side...
What was your most favorite thing to do when you were little: spending time wit my sister
What is the thing you'll miss the most: being carefree
What do you remember about 1998 if anything: 7th grade...wearing dorky clothes
Would you want to go back in time: yes
Does it hurt you knowing that you really cant: sometimes
Future Side...
Where do you see yourself in 10 years: not sure...maybe i'll be dead
Who do you see yourself with when you're married: ppl have to keep their sanity, ya know...
Do you think you'll be a cool parent: i hope so
What job do you want to have when you're
older?: something i'll be happy doing (key word: I'll)
Are you going to marry for money or love: love
Future son(s) name(s): i'm not having kids
Future daughter(s) name(s): ditto
would you ever think about adoption: definitely
Would you ever become a priest or a nun: haha...ur joking, right?
Have you ever...
Smoked: no, but it'd be easy to
Come close to dying: i've tried
x-rated things you have done with whipped cream: hehe...whipped cream has many uses..
Strip teased for someone: umm...
Had sex: no...
Told someone you loved them: that's dangerous
Stabbed your best friend in the back : no
Told a hot secret to everyone that wasn't supposed to be told: nah
Had a dream and like a week after, it actually happened: yea
Cheated on your boy/girl friend with their best friend: ::evil laughter::no
Been to a concert: no
Sat down to listen to a friends problem and gone "who really cares": that's insensitive and rude
Thought that MiMi on the Drew Carey show was really a guy: umm, no...but i could see how that might happen
Wondered why Pluto and Goofy are both dog but only Goofy can talk: hmm...good question...
What comes to mind when hearing these names...
Brian: tall kid wit light brown hair
Josh: hartnett
John: ur average joe
Danielle: some girl in middle school
Richard: nixon
Nicole: soap star character
Amber: girl wit curly red hair...clueless...
Megan: woman in book
Tim: that's embarrassing
Liz: spanish girl i was friends with freshman year
Joey: fatone
Fred: flinstone...durst
Bob: balding, middle-aged man wit a beer belly
Melany: does anybody spell their name like that?
Mike: umm...mike...
Steve: harvey
Are you a...
Daydreamer or wide awake or neither: daydreamer
Bitch or Asshole or neither: i hope i'm neither
Slut or whore or neither: neither..but my parents think i'm a slut
Guy or girl or in between: girl
Pimp or Prostitute or neither: neither
Dumb questions...
Have you ever been forced to do something that you didn't want to
do: i don't remember
Do/Did you ever do homework: religiously
Have you ever thought about changing your name: i have changed it
If so to what: just the pronunciation
Have you ever had a scary experience in the ocean: not really
Do you like dogs: yes, i love them
Have you ever gotten compliments about the way you kiss:
What's the hardest thing about growing up: having to face reality/life
What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for
you: nothing...i took seriously anyway
What is the best feeling in the world: being in control, liking somebody
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: no...
Can you dance: never tried, don't think i will
Do you like to dance: i don't know
Was this survey long enough or what?: i don't mind
Wanna say anything to your friends: they know they mean the world to
me
Oh yea, in a little while, I will go and fool around...with dan...i feel sick...maybe it's that spaghetti i'm supposed to eat...
current mood: anxious
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| Tuesday, August 14th, 2001
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10:23 am - the garage door hit our minivan and now the door's broken
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This isn't really an example of stupidity so much as it's an example of my dad's impatience. He closed the garage door before he'd even gotten out of the garage. Well, anyway, the relatives left to Canada for a tour thing, so I won't see them for about 7 days. More free time. But anyway, the weekend was uneventful b/c I don't really remember it. Volunteered, went to library. So I finally bought this lipgloss, except that it isn't the kind I want. It's light pink and really glittery or whatever. Looks pretty, but doesn't feel that great. So I was walking to Giant and this car goes by and the guy sitting in the passenger seat was like, hey baby. Kinda lame, find something better to do.
I am really paranoid right now. People were being nice to me...it makes me feel like people said things that they shouldn't have. It was nice, but there were probably ulterior motives behind it. Jeez, I need to shut up. People always take advantage of me/screw me, I should be used to it.
So anyway, bought Rabia's gift. Yes, I finally got a gift! It doesn't look like much, but Bath & Body Works overprices everything, it's so stupid. But anyway, hope you like it.
I am writing two-sentence paragraphs. How lame. I just don't really have anything to write about. Oh yea...today I realized that I've always known my mom dislikes me/hates me. But never this much. She was just being really bitchy and nit-picky about stuff. Afterward, I guess it hurt, but I felt really cold too, like it didn't matter anymore. These days, I can't seem to feel anything except..umm...physical desire. It's really awful, I'm feeling things I shouldn't be, because it's just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. Still, I couldn't help it. Well, I'm over it. But still, it just made me think about everything again, and how I "feel." Which I'm really tired of, I just wish I knew without having to think about it so much. ::sigh::
I had this really weird dream. I don't really remember much of it right now. But I do remember that when I was having the dream, everything was really really clear, I knew exactly what I did and what I said. So anyway, I was with a bunch of people or something, and I was talking to my friend, and he accused me of being a flirt. The thing is, I actually was flirting with him. I'm not sure whether he was annoyed or pleased that I was flirting. But then I remember that I got really defensive after he accused me. I hope it doesn't signify anything. It would be awful if this actually did happen...sometimes my dreams come true. Hopefully not this one. But...yea, there's more to this than I'm actually saying, if you're curious, im me or whatever.
I really relate to this one book, Lucy Sullivan Is Getting Married. It's one of those cheesy ass books you would find at the supermarket or something. But I really relate to it. But then again, it might be a bad influence, b/c a lot of the time, all she and her friends do is get drunk, which reminded me how much I like drinking...occasionally. Then again, no danger of that, b/c I hate beer, and that is all that's in the house.
Keep thinking about another guy too...::sigh:: Regret is bad.
I want something to do. Besides homework, which I HAVE TO get started on. But haven't, b/c these books are really fucking ass boring. But anyway, hmm, school is going to start really really soon. Time passes really fast, especially during the summer. I'm going to miss a lot of things/people.
I can feel my hair getting messed up. Anyway, went shopping. I hate the fact that my shirt costs as much as a C.D. does. And good music is always expensive. I hate buying C.D. First off, you never know if you'll like every single song. So why blow off $13-$16 for something that you could potentially hate? And I have a bad history of choosing really bad CDs. My dog is barking at the UPS man...anyway, yea.
Nothing to write about really. Nothing is coming to mind anyway. Just that I am sick and tired of "studying for the SATs." Well, there is nothing I can say. Bottom line: it seems I an incapable of any emotion except physical desire. Bad...good thing I will be cooped up in my house for the next few days. Oh yea, my new complaint about shopping. I am usually not the kind of person who wears flares. I only have one pair. But anyway, if I do go shopping, you head to the juniors section, or girls, or whatever that particular store calls it. And if I want a pair of pants, the only choice I have are flares. What's up with that? Is it really so wrong to want to wear baggy pants? This is really frustrating, why does everybody have to conform to pre-determined standards? OK, now I'm talking all funny. Why is it so wrong to want to be different, basically, god forbid, what if I don't want to wear flares and make everybody see what my ass looks like? ::sigh:: But I suppose it'll always be like this. I like that song, Fat Lip ~ Sum 41 (space or no space?) Wow, the radio station is playing this song right now. Hmm...okay, well, while I'm absolutely fascinated by that fact (nah, I haven't gotten that dumb, believe it or not) I'm off to go mumble to myself. Just wish somebody would notice me.
current mood:  confused
current music: Freak on a Leash ~ Korn
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| Friday, August 10th, 2001
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10:43 am - the urge to find a boyfriend mode is on...
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OK, so I have not been around, which is why I suppose I must update on the last few wonderful days I've spent in Washington D.C.
August 8, 2001 ~ 10:44 p.m.
I hate relatives, I have to go everywhere with them ~ it's hot, it's annoying, and I hate it. Today was hellish enough. First, it was about 100 degrees. I was wearing all black except for my shoes, which are ugly, I might add. So anyway, had to wake up early, which wasn't good. Find out that the all-day pass we were originally going to use starts at 9:30, and we have to decide what to do. Awful time figuring out what to do to get exact change on farecards (hey, I don't use the metro on a daily basis). Had to find a bathroom, deal with pesky requests for me to conjure up a bathroom out of thin air or something. Agonize over whether we're on the right line, and try to keep everybody together. Plus we had to ride the bus to Vienna Station which wasn't that fun b/c the driver looked at me like I was a weird little specimen. OK, honestly, he was looking at me like he hadn't gotten any and had to be reduced to looking at high school girls. So anyway, that was just getting there. Also during the whole day, I'm carrying a bag that must weight at least 10 pounds. So we get there, ask directions, and go to the National Air and Space Museum, which I hate, because I'm so sick and tired of that place, and it was boring. So we decide to go to the National Gallery of Art. My sister snores. But anyway, this doesn't turn out quite as bad, because everybody does their own thing. Looks at stuff they want to, go at your own pace. But pretty soon, everybody is bored and tired. So okay, we'll go get tickets for the Washington Monument. So we walk a really long time to get there. It's so far away. The relatives stop to rest, okay, me and Tiffany will go get the tickets. So we try to haul ass to the monument, but keep in mind that it's really really hot, so obviously, none of us are moving too fast. But we eventually get there, and the ticket thing is closed. Turns out that it's "closed for restoration." Crap ~we've walked all this way and we can't get in. At this point, I'm pretty crabby, heat always makes me cranky, but there's nothing else to do except walk back, but by this time, I feel really pissed. So we eat lunch, and the food is crappy, and the only thing I can hope for is that it doesn't come up later. But we decide to go to the Natural History Museum. But once we get inside, we lose our grandmother, so we spend some time looking for her, and she's eventually found. We all go our separate ways, and meet up later, which is still tiring because of all the walking. We go to the cafe there instead, get a soda, and pay in all quarters, b/c that's all I have. Let me tell you right now, carrying around about $6 worth of quarters is a real pain. So we meet up early, because the museum is really boring, and we wait for everybody. We decide to leave, and swing by this building for a pic. Then, we get into this huge, long-winded discussion about how we'll get home, but we finally find the metro station, decide that yes, we're on the right line, and leave. So it's the end of the day, and I am tired, sleepy, pissed off, and I really need a shower. Everybody did, nobody is immune to being in the heat all day. I feel like crap, this is not a good combination. But to make it even better, I go home and get ready for my SAT class, which, of course, is always a joy. But the shower really helped, I felt better. But all we did was review problems, and while everybody else talked, I just sat in my chair and looked at them. But anyway, that was my great day with the relatives. Got berated for talking on the phone, but now I'm not broke, I have $90, which is the only bright spot in my life I can think about.
This is Wednesday. Which means, because I was in D.C., I couldn't fool around with Dan. I thought it was actually going to happen, how stupid of me. Nothing I look forward to ever happens. And I was looking forward to it. But my sister tells me, yea, you're coming to D.C. So I call his house at 10 or something, but he's working, and I leave a msg. Can't really do anything in the morning b/c he told me was working, and there wasn't enough time to do anything like leave a note or whatever. I come home, he called me twice, left a msg, and I tried calling him back but their answering machine was on and I hate leaving msgs, makes me feel really stupid. So I go to my SAT class, and I call him when I get home, which is about 9:15, and we talked, it was alright. Mostly just to apologize, I felt REALLY awful, but he was like, nothing to be sorry about. But I think he's over wanting this. BUt damn, he's so hot. Just will be his friend, see what happens. Then again, I am really tired of the "just be his friend" thing. I'm tired of all of this.
Tomorrow, leaving @ 6:30, waking up @ 5 to go to D.C. again, White House, zoo, Lincoln/Jefferson Memorial. They're forcing me to go, I don't want to, I hate it. I could go shopping with Rabia and Steph, but no, instead I have to sit in the trunk of my dad's car for 40 minutes and drag my sorry ass around D.C. for yet another day.
I'm so stressed right now thinking about all of this. It makes me tired and cranky and bitchy, and I have a headache. I need a tension reliever ~ would be very happy right now to have a boy toy to fool around with. Wish my sister could be replaced with a guy....(we have to share a bed b/c of the relatives)
That reminds me. It seems the only thing that anybody cares about in my life is that I get into a good college. That's the only thing I ever hear. That, and get good grades, get a good job. Nobody ever worries about the other aspects of my life. Nobody worries about the fact that I have/had depression, am cooped up like a stpuid lil prisoner who hasn't even really done anything, tried to kill myself, repeatedly, that I cut my wrists, and that I feel/am rejected and unloved. Nobody ever thinks about those aspects of my life.
Lately, I have been thinking about these two guys, let's call them Mentos and Dark Chocolate. And how I was rejected and pushed away by both of them. I"m so tired of it. For once in my life, I Just want somebody to care about me.
Talked to Rabia, I realized that I don't really get along with other Asian people. There's only one Asian person I get along with. It's weird, I just don't relate to Asian people that well. It's like Rabia put it, "I'm an outcast from my own race." Then again, that applies to everybody else and everything in general. Well, that's all I can think about to write, ttyl. Oh wait, there's a whole case of beer downstairs...temptation...
August 9, 2001 ~ 10:36 p.m.
So after the final realization/argument that no, I can't go shopping, instead, I have to spend yet another day in D.C. Walking around all day in long pants and 100 degree weather. OK, so first, we have to get up early to stand in line for tickets to get into the White House. So that takes forever, and I'm tired and annoyed, I don't want to be there at all, and it's starting to get hot. Plus I'm not in a great mood b/c I had to get thrown into the trunk for minutes for the drive into D.C. But anyway, we finally get tickets, just barely. So now, we have to decide what to do while we wait. So we walked around, took pics of the White House, ate really crappy food, and waited around. So when we do get to the tour, the White House turns out to be a complete disappointment. I get this sense of deja vu in there, even though I'm told I've never gone in. All houses are the same, Monticello, Mount Vernon, the White House, you only need to visit one. But by this tie, everybody wants to go home, but my dad can't leave work yet, so we go to the Visitor's Center where he first dropped us off and hang out enjoying the air conditioning. Really, the highlight of D.C. was the bathrooms and the air conditioning. So after we get picked up, we go to the Jefferson Memorial, and the Lincoln Memorial (reminds me of Planet of the Apes, where it's replaced by this statue of General Thade...) and we go by the Arlington National Cemetery. So we finally decide to go home, realy bumpy ride, my dad doesn't have that much consideration for passengers. He doesn't know how to drive, and then again, neither do I. I thought my period of going over curbs was over, but apparently not. My dad was hassling me, and I got too close to the curb, it was embarassing. But anyway, that concludes yet another god-awful day in D.C. but yea, on the ride home, I started thinking again. I used to be really depressed and suicidal. And now...I'm not. I haven't really cut my wrist, I don't feel the need to. My parents aren't bugging me all the time, that's the big difference. Of course, there are moments, and I can still definitely relate to people that feel that way. But it's getting better...too bad it won't las though.
They're going to New Jersey tomorrow. Good thing I'm excused from going. But instead, I must go to one of those dinner things. Blah...must come up with plans, fast. I need to find something to do, my mom is cool about the possibility that I'll go out shopping today, b/c I didn't get to last time. I'm not looking forward to hanging out with ppl who hate me and look at me as though I've grown a second head, and I'm sprouting horns and a tail.
Anyway, the general feeling about the Dan thing is that I'm better off. I don't really know how I feel about that.
Oh, interesting thing about D.C. There was this group of protestors in D.C. saying something about stopping the ethnic cleansing and Macedonia. I never knew stuff like that actually happened. But anyway, while I was sitting there, this really hot guy walked past, smiled, and winked at me. I was really confused about how to react...heat and stuff. I don't even remember what I did...but he was really hot, too bad he was probably 20ish.
I am never ever going out into the sun again. I am tan enough, I am going to hibernate in my room and at this computer for the rest of my life. No more sun for me...but anyway, have not given into the temptation that's in the fridge. But I'm tempted to...in the end, most likely, I won't, but, I'm bored, and there's nothing to do.
current mood: rejected
current music: My Way ~ Limp Bizkit
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5:38 am - the things i do...
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looking for directions so they don't get lost...it is 5:30 in the morning...
why do i always screw things up?
current mood: tired
current music: ppl getting ready
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| Tuesday, August 7th, 2001
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10:23 am - She made me cry, and then she yelled at me
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So the full impact that they've come really actually hit me when they crowded into this little house. It's all started. I don't think it will be that bad, hopefully not. They're alright, not as bad as I thought it would be. Just hope I have time to finish my summer homework and stuff.
I just hope things will work out Wednesday. So odd how he could have changed his mind and then decided to go through with it. But, I'm starting to regret asking why. I mean, if he doesn't want to, then he shouldn't have to. Well, he said he wanted to, just wasn't sure how I felt. I feel nervous, not sure what to expect, inadequate, ugly, stupid. He has to work that day, then he will pick me up sometime after that (1:30ish) and then go to this place he goes when he needs to think. Just hope it isn't too woodsy so I don't get dirt and leaves in my hair and stuff. Also don't want to get carried away. It is really a purely physical thing. He wanted to know how I felt. Well, he can't give me what I want. I guess that is disappointing, but oh well, whatever. There is something about me that turns guys off. Not as a friend, but as a girlfriend. ::sigh:: That really shouldn't come as a surprise, and it doesn't, it's just a very annoying fact of life. I don't know how I feel about him. Fooling around should be fun, just hope that I know what to do and don't feel like too much of an ass.
So I'm reading this book, Imitate the Tiger. Very good, worth reading. And b/c I can't think of anything to say, I'm just going to type out a few quotes. If not just to annoy people.
I'm lost inside. I've got no feeling. I'm hurting, and empty, afraid, and lonely…
Why doesn't anybody understand? …Why doesn't anybody care?
Everything I do, I do wrong.
It's all too much. I can't take it anymore.
I hate this horrible, chaotic, unfair life I find myself in.
I feel sort of dead, too. Tired, exhausted, I feel I cannot go on.
I am wiped out. Not just physically and emotionally but deep inside myself.
Sometimes I feel like I just don't care about things.
I hope it all just goes away.
…you are alone…alone in this huge and horrible lifetime.
I feel that silence and loneliness come creeping over me.
Living or dying does not matter to me now.
I don't care. I just want to be left alone.
I will fade into nothingness.
So nothing much has happpened so far. My mom and a few of the adults are out shopping for food. When my dad comes home, I think we're going to Luray Caverns. I really do not want to go. I have seen that place about 6 times, we always go there. I just want to be alone or something. Hmm. So I haven't had any real dreams lately. I remember I had one a while ago, but I forgot what it was about. And I like my dreams, b/c they usually come true. The only time I don't like them is when I get the feeling that something bad will happen. And once it did.
So I got really pissed about the fact that it seems the only thing I can manage are guy friends. Really, what is it about me? The top things I have come up with that people know about
1. Physical appearance
Reason: Enough said.
2. Emotional baggage
Reason: This usually doesn't come up unless I know a guy really well, which rarely happens.
3. Friendship
Reason: I think I get along with guys too well, that they're used to it.
4. Intelligence
Reason: Enough said
5. Sense of Humor
Reason: Again, this really depends on how well a person knows me.
This whole thing is annoying me. Seriously, I have problems.
current mood:  weird
current music: Gone Away ~ Offspring
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| Monday, August 6th, 2001
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3:43 pm - The Dancing Pink Bunnies
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So it seems that he wanted to back out of it. Said he didn't want to get me in trouble, felt nervous, didn't know what to expect. Not exactly mad, just...confused. But then he said stuff like he feels nervous, wanna do it today instead? Guys are so confusing...I guess I just feel used. Like he doesn't want this. Well, whatever. Am tired of thinking about this. Well, will have a pink bunnies vs. penguins debate...this should be interesting...So I guess we'll meet Wednesday, as planned. I hate it that it feels like I want something more, but he doesn't. Boys are fun, but once it actually becomes serious, you're basically asking for trouble and ways to complicate your life.
"That is how I feel. All alone, waiting for something like death."
~ Imitate the Tiger by Jan Cheripko
"It's like I don't know who I am. Like I'm make-believe. A flat, carboard cartoon with no life inside me."
~ Imitate the Tiger by Jan Cheripko
He can't give me what I want. And that makes me feel really sad.
current mood: confused
current music: waiting for dc101 to play something..must vacuum
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9:39 am - He made me cry, and then he laughed at me...
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Tonight. The relatives are coming tonight. From that moment on, my summer is basically over I guess. Don't really care. I don't hate them, I just don't like the fact that I have to do stuff like wash the sheets and vacuum the house and move my stuff and all this other crap just because they're coming. Meeting them tonight, plus this is the last week of my SAT class. The only time I will be happy about that is on Wednesday. Which, I am obviously worried about. Because I am really curious as to what will happen and how he'll react. Plus I've never done anything like this. Hopefully I won't be too disgusted or something. Just have to wait to see what happens or whatever. Really wish I had more experience with this stuff so I would know what I'm doing.
I am really cranky lately. It pisses me off when people say stupid things or act dumb. It annoys me when people ask for stuff. My mom bitched at me this morning and threw things at me, yelling while she was lecturing. Killing two birds with one stone I guess. My whole family is just fucking annoying me to death. I swear...seriously, there is something fucked up with me. Well, yea, I already knew that, just that it's worse now.
Can't think of anything to say, because there's nothing to say. Just feel like I should write an entry b/c I usually do and livejournal probably won't be working in the afternoon or whatever. Hmm...sometimes you ppl confuse me.
Anyway, this thing with Dan...it is purely a physical thing. Nothing more. I wish I was attracted to somebody. If I am, I wish somebody knew so they could tell me. ::sigh:: I guess I just want a boyfriend. Or not. Or whatever. I really don't need more stuff to do, but for some reason, it's like I need to make things complicated. I have to like somebody, or want somebody, or something. Pining after guys is no fun, but flirting definitely is. There's nothing to do...must go buy lip balm...today. Or whenever, I am really tired these days.
I want to talk to somebody. Anybody. But then again, I don't. I really do need to talk to somebody though. I dont know about what though. Just feel bored, lonely. Oh yea, read this book, The Blooding..it's alright. Can't really think of anything else to say. Just kinda empty...
current mood: numb
current music: Adam's Song ~ Blink 182
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| Sunday, August 5th, 2001
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2:28 pm - rotating toilet seat covers are cool - my sister
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These are the kind of people I live with. So it's not my fault that I'm weird, okay? Or maybe it is, I don't know. Anyway, I hate relatives. Woke up early, helped wash the floor, had to do everything twice, then off to the gas station to vacuum the inside of the car. That took forever, which is why lil casey does not get lunch today. Not that I actually need to it, skipping would be good, but I am hungry and want to go to mcdonalds. Oh yes, I am all weird again ~ sad and forgetful and tired. It feels like I'm depressed again, and I am. Cut my wrist again, now it will take longer to heal. I guess this time it was different, because I really didn't get any satisfaction from seeing myself bleed. So I guess that means I am more normal...as normal as I can be anyway.
Well, either way, went to a lil buffet friday night or something, got bitched at b/c I complained that I felt really full and then got yelled at b/c they think I'm too "skinny." And I say that with sarcasm b/c it isn't true. The one time I have to try to look better than shit, and nothing is working out. Am really curious as to what will happen Wednesday. It's like I'm trying to do everything in my power to please him, aka the reason for me wanting to go down on him. But I want him to want this too. Hopefully he won't just stand there and be emotionless, although that's probably what will happen. This keyboard really sucks. It is pissing me off. But anyway, blah blah blah. Went shopping, bought some stuff, nothing important or nice. Went volunteering, another cdi showed up. It was a guy and I felt sorry for them b/c I am the only girl they could check out, which is just wrong, cruel and unusual punishment.
Actually, going to the gas station this morning sucked...it was hot, I was sticky, and it was annoying. Blah. I hate relatives, they will ruin my vacation even more. Plus we are going to go on a road trip to New York/Jersey. Which means that I get to drive, which is cool, but if I'm not,I will be sitting on the floor b/c there isn't enough room on the actual seats. Fun...I can just feel the love.
On the bright side though, I got a fortune that actually made sense: You will accomplish more later if you take some time for yourself. I guess that applies in this situation, but obviously my parents don't think so. Oh, I got bitched at for doing my summer homework. I have a shitload of books to read, and I was, and my dad was yelling at me about it, just like he always does. A bit of advice: If you ever hate anybody, never try to convince yourself that you love them, b/c you will just get even more pissed off.
::sigh:: Well, nothing too memorable has happened. I wish I could talk to him. Dork...I don't even care if he shows up or not. At this point, it does not matter. People could at least have the courtesy (spelling? I am dumb) to make kind little pleasantries as dumb as they are. The pathetic thing is that I am actually looking forward to seeing him and I would...feel something if he didn't show. Whatever...I hate the fact that he has this hold on me no matter what he does. But I am really tired of this. For once in my stupid, dumb life, I want somebody to like me. Who would go out with me. Stupid desires.
There isn't anything to say...dumb 30 minute time limit.
current mood:  hungry
current music: Loser ~ 3 Doors Down
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| Friday, August 3rd, 2001
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10:48 am - Have been listening to bsb cd's all week...save me!!!!
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Opened my eyes at around 6:50...didn't get up until 8 something. I went to bed at 1 or so...it's like I can't sleep anymore. I'm not that tired either. So odd. Just got bitched at about a lot of stuff. It made me really really depressed. Was thinking about cutting myself again.
So then I was thinking about him, and it made me sad that he's using me. He doesn't like me, at least he doesn't act like it. As soon as he knew what I was gonna do, where, and when, he's disappeared, we don't even talk anymore. Grr...but I suppose I shouldn't be mad. I mean, nobody cares, and nobody ever will. On his part, it is only physical desire. Same thing with me, but I wish it could be more. ::sigh:: It just makes me kinda sad...I always thought I would do something like this with at least somebody who cared about me. But I don't see that happening, so Dan will do. OK, so I got advice about the bj thing, if only I could remember it all...lol. Actually, ur right Steph, I would laugh my ass off if I actually did this. Hmm...will see what happens. I don't even know whether I want to, just feel like I should. I mean, if I'm going to fool around, might as well make the most of it. The problem is that I was reading one of my lil cheesy magazines, and they start lecturing about all the std's you can get from any kind of sex or whatever, so that kinda got me thinking again about whether I wanted to do this. He told me he didn't, and I trust him. But than again, he may not know. Oh well, I'll die eventually. Just that it would complicate things. Shall see what happens...but it would definitely be...fun. That's it.
Hmm...I dunno, I was really screwed up this morning. Actually considering just ending everything. I can deal with a certain amount of crap, but even I have my limits. And they're pushing it.
They're coming next Monday! I can't believe it. Once they come, my summer will be officially over. No more time to do what I want. I really really need to get my books finished, and write some crappy ass paper or summary for them. Blah. I really hate school. Not looking forward to going back, what's there to look forward to?
::sigh:: Very tired of being single. And I'm tired of going through all these almost-relationships, or guys who act as though they like me, but never say anything. It makes me sad. Than again, so do a lot of things. A boyfriend should be the last thing I should be thinking about, but I can't help it. The need for affection getting to me I guess. But I can live without it, I always have. It would just be nice to know somebody cared.
Hmm...using my sister's computer = internet access, which is good. The downside? I am forced to listen to all of her bsb cd's. But for some reason, they're starting to make sense. Of course, no guy or girl or relationship is like that. And these songs are so cheesy. But they make sense. Too much sappiness, but other then that, I haven't thrown myself out the window yet, so I guess they don't suck too much.
I keep on rambling about stuff, because I feel like I should. Went to Giant yesterday. There was a good chance he was working, but Starbucks and Giant are very far apart and my mom and sister would've asked questions. It's like when I have a chance of talking to him, I really want to . But when there isn't, I don't care at all. So weird...everybody has a different reaction as to what is going to happen. Some ppl say go for it, others are totally against it, some are uncomfortable. And me? I have no idea how I feel. Maybe I should figure that out before I actually do anything. I need to stop analyzing and just do. Well, whatever, I am tired of pissing myself off with my own stupidity. And if this cd doesn't stop, it'll soon become a frisbee...
Oh yea, for some reason, I really like randomly updating my profile, especially my interests...I guess if you ppl are bored, take a look at it or whatever, and then bitch at me.
current mood:  contemplative
current music: Rockin the Suburbs ~ Ben Folds (Five)
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| Thursday, August 2nd, 2001
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4:43 pm - need advice, but not sure who to ask...this is embarrassing..is that even spelled right?
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I am really paranoid, watching for my parents I guess. Don't have anywhere to go today, I get to sit on my butt for the rest of the day. I haven't really talked to anybody. I guess things are resolved right now, not really sure. I'm not sure of anything.
For some reason, I am really scared when I see green cars. He has a green car. It's like I want to see him and talk to him, but I don't. I keep on hoping or something. It's stupid. I feel like it's going to be awkward...and it will! Jeez, he's my friend, not exactly a person I thought I would ever do a "friends with benefits thing." ::sigh:: What am I doing here? You don't give your friend a blow job, but that's what I'm going to do, or at least I plan to. I really need more experience with this type of thing. Oh god, I'm so paranoid. I'm actually typing this while I'm looking over my shoulder and watching cars, making sure it isn't my mom or my dad. I feel like somebody's watching me. What I am really worried about is how it will all happen...I wonder what he's thinking. I shouldn't. I need to get a life.
Yea, that reminds me. Need to get rabia a gift...bath & body works? C.D.? ::sigh:: Must remember to do that...what to get though? I am poor...hehe. I also need to get lip balm for myself. Really need to get my ass started on that book, The Killer Angels. Damn, why does it seem like everybody has a dark green car these days? This sucks. I am being really random, I need to shut up.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: Buzz Lightyear, Space Ranger! To infinity, and beyond!
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9:17 am - Leave me alone...I hate you...
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A lot of...stuff happened. Point is, I used to completely trust people with everything and anything. And now I don't. I'm just tired of it.
Was thinking about what will happen next Wednesday. I wonder what he's expecting, what he think will happen. I want to do this. Actually, it is the only thing I want right now, and he is the only person I am really thinking about.
So it seems that when my parents bring me to my SAT class, they seem to think that it means they can bitch and yell at me. My dad was screaming at me about how I'm stupid, and yelling at me b/c I can't predict the future and telling me to have "confidence." That is the biggest fucking joke I've ever heard. Since when have my parents ever said anything other than "you're stupid and ugly and worthless and crazy and dumb and lazy." Fucking bastard and that stupid bitch. I hate them. And than, when I was writing in my other journal, my dad comes in (without knocking, as usual) and starts interrogating me about what I'm doing, and reads my fucking ass journal. NOBODY does that, nobody. I never have any privacy and it's not as though I've ever done anything to make them interrogate me about every move I make. I am rarely pissed, but now...so that little incident happened last night, and I remember being sooooo mad, but then I was just really calm. I am tired of people invading my privacy and if something doesn't change soon, I'm going to reach that breaking point, and there will be hell to pay.
On a more cheerful note, I've lost 2 lbs...
current mood:  angry
current music: Festival Song ~ Good Charlotte
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| Wednesday, August 1st, 2001
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4:07 pm - I hate you...screw you...I mean it, f*** off
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What is Crap/Useless
1. Friends who "care."
2. Parents who "love you."
3. Expectations
4. School
5. Emotions
6. Everything
Nothing matters.
current mood:  blank
current music: Last Resort ~ Papa Roach
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