BROWN You are usually very straight-forward. You have a passive personality and enjoy nurturing those around you. You are very grounded and prefer to keep things simple and honest. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

Alright, so I guess things are getting a bit better here. Either that or I'm just getting a lot better at ignoring the fact that I am in fact here, and will be for almost another four months. My mind has drifted into other places: books, msn, tv, church and other things which aren't really reality, but try to be on a daily basis. In any case, the sun came out today, and it will likely rear its blistering head tomorrow as well. Lovely.

I like my friends and all, but this is just going nowhere. I've only been here for two days and already I want to run into the woods and never be seen again. That doesn't bode well for the rest of the summer. I'm really not sure that I can do anything about it, either, because I've only just begun, and haven't even gotten into the stuff that's supposed to make this a complicated thing yet. I wish I had a U-haul, and a job somewhere else. what the frig

Wow. My summer's already a complete disaster. Not only do I feel unwelcome in my own home, it has come to my attention that I don't even have a home. I just want to leave, and be my own person. Be independant. Not have to live up to the obsolete expectations of others. Man it sucks to be home again.

I really don't have all that much to say right now, at least nothing I'm going to want to look back on tomorrow, or any other day, or have anyone else look back on. Where is it all going? Somewhere. The nature of the destination need not be defined, nor judged, since all things as such are truly equal in the grand scheme of things. What is the grand scheme anyway? Well, that's an easy question, with an easy answer that refuses to be correct in practice. You see, all in all, all our constructs mean nothing, and although one must operate within a construct to implement change on any societal level, or to impact a system based on self-denying hierarchical organisms, one must not conform to the psychological foundations of such entities. Yes, so I guess I may be wrong, in one way or another. Which way exactly, only the future will tell. If it could speak, that is.

It's amazing
After having a perfectly rediculous day
and a grand old time with some friends
just how quickly everything in my mind
comes crashing down
with it there is no thought
no consideration
only reaction
reaction without reason
without purpose
but reaction
on a tight leash
drawn quickly back inside
but not before the darkness once more consumes
if only for a moment
if only for a thought
leading me to believe
that i really don't know what i believe
about some things
and realizing just how few things
i really know about myself
"favourite ways you can lose,
favourite ways you can hate"
i lost
but at least i can pretend i won
it's my prerogative, anyway
"it's all in the way we thought
that we could have it all"
sometimes it's not about who you are
or about who someone else is
sometimes it's just not about anything at all
but you wish it was
so that you could throw away whatever that something once was
yeah, it was once something
but it's not anymore
recreate

I'm still tired from yesterday. When the day was over, my feet were so sore, that when i took my shoes off, the floor felt crooked and bumpy, even though it wasn't. Today was nice, although nothing was accomplished. I'm gonna have to get boogying on the work tomorrow, though. Even right now, but not for too long. I wouldn't want to overdo it. This is what life is really meant for, though: running ourselves into the ground for things that we love, and passing by and neglecting those that we really don't value, because they are only substance-lacking constructs of society. As I see it, as long as we hang on just enough to the social structure we live in, and not get caught up in it, it should be possible to live the life that we were meant to live. a Life of fulfillment, of love, and of second chances. No the life of competition, of domination, and of detachment. This is what it's supposed to be, I just know it. Even if I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing minute by minute, or keep track of my grades and work, it all doesn't matter. The faith, the music, the people, the laughter - that's all that it comes down to when you really want joy. We kid ourselves, though, with toys, and things that have borrowed or symbolic value. Re-evaluate, I say! Everyday, though. Because every day there is something in this world that will try to take the values away, even the smallest of things, of wanting more than what we already have, which, no doubt, is quite sufficient.

Simplify. Amplify. Don't justify. If you have to try to justify your actions, they probably aren't worth doing. Social acceptability is no way to measure the feasability or morality of a choice: some choices that are right aren't socially acceptable, and some which are socially acceptable aren't right.

Why do people watch TV shows and read magazines about actors and the like? I'm quite proud to say that I really don't get it, and hope that I never will. It makes me sick sometimes, how much the life of someone completely unrelated to a person, can become so interesting; especially when that life has nothing to show for its efforts. No true accomplishments. There are very few people that are worth that kind of attention. What needs attention is the self, is who you are and what you believe. Maybe people just don't want to have all that figured out, so they look into the lives of others. Speculation in this case will get me nowhere, since I truly don't get it. I can say they're trying to live vicariously, but I really don't know.

I've realized that my philosophy has gotten a little too complicated. If someone asks me a simple God related question, I rant off in another direction trying to narrow down the area of their interest, which is foolish, I suppose, for some people. At the same time, I do see great value in having deep knowledge, and in having firm convictions. Without those, one has little to live for. At the same time, if one cannot accept the convictions of others, they have no place in this world.

In any case, it's time for me to move on.

create your own personalized map of Canada
or write about it on the open travel guide



create your own personalized map of the USA
or write about it on the open travel guide

What Classic Movie Are You?.

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability |||||||||||| 34% Aggressiveness ||||||||||||||| 50% Assertiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Activity Level |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 50% Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 58% Trust |||||||||||||||||||||||| 74% Morality ||||||||||||||| 50% Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Modesty ||||||||||||||| 46% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 65% Confidence ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Neatness |||||||||||| 34% Dutifulness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Achievement |||||||||||||||||| 58% Self-Discipline ||||||||||||||| 46% Cautiousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 56% Anxiety ||||||||||||||| 46% Volatility ||| 10% Depression ||||||||| 22% Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 66% Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||| 50% Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50% Emotional Stability |||||||||||||||||| 60% Imagination |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Intellect |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 90% Liberalism ||||||||| 26% Openmindedness ||||||||||||||||||||| 70%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test.


I get the distinct feeling that this one wasn't exactly for my gender. I think I'm going to go throw up now. Either that, or eat a toasted bagel.

I am the Siren A man is often secretly oppressed by the role he has to play - by always having to be responsible, in control, and rational. The Siren is the ultimate male fantasy figure because she offers a total release form the limitations of his life. In her presence, which is always heightened and sexually charged, the male feels transported to a realm of pure pleasure. In a world where women are often too timid to project such an image, learn to take control of the male libido by embodying his fantasy. Symbol: Water. The song of the Siren is liquid and enticing, and the Siren herself is fluid and ungraspable. Like the sea, the Siren lures you with the promise of infinite adventure and pleasure. Forgetting past and future, men follow her far out to sea, where they drown.

What Type of Seducer are You?
created by polite_society

How evil are you?

You're Switzerland!

While most people think you're sort of stuck up, it's really
just that people don't interest you that much.  That's why you'd rather
just stay out of everything and be as neutral as possible.  Somewhere in
there is an ability to be a psychiatrist because you're so objective, but you
might just be too cold for that.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

Which Family Guy character are you?


Well that's just wierd. Time for breakfast.



Heart of Crystal


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

and so it comes again
falling,
a rock
a dove
a star
a fleeting moment,
diving from one heart to the next
a love
pure but not simple
far from my heart
far from our hearts
from the Heart of Love
even though
even so
within the deepest of love
brokenness may be felt
and melt like wax
at hurt and injustice
at the task set out before One
and only one
but what was seen and felt
what the sun could shine upon
and reveal in horror
was not what broke Love's heart
inside
condemnation
for that which was another's
and another's
and another's
until all was accepted
and all was broken
so that all may be healed
and drink deep
the grace that saves

what is my superobjective in this play? it's a rather hard thing to say. I think I need to figure that one out before I keep on going with this whole thing, because I'm really not all that sure. not too sure of very many things anymore, which is good, I guess, since I'm keeping my options open and all. so many things running through my mind. none of which are large enough, or pressing enough to bog me down, but the combination of it all just might be slowing me a little. Ever wanted to fall for someone, just because you know that it would be a great relationship if you managed to get together with them, but really don't know if you can? No? Well, neither have I - up until now, of course. Interesting. It's usually the opposite thing for me. I wish that I didn't or hadn't fallen for someone, because it obviously won't work. I suppose if I can have it one way, it can go the other way either. No, I'm not gay, I'm just trying to generalize things that don't really stand up to generalization. Man, if I was gay, that would just make things even more complicated. Thank God.

I wish I had words for it
and I wish I had someone to exchange them with
I seem to be seriously lacking in either
Am I sounding selfish?
Well, guess what, I'm not
Not in the slightest
If I wanted to be selfish
This would all be over quite quickly
But I'm not
although I'm hoping to learn to be
Rather soon
I wish I could get my heart
to start beating at regular intervals
It's starting to make me feel sick all over
In a way that is quite dissimilar
to the way in which I already
feel sick all over

always be there
face i live with
always be there
face i live with
abscess memory with broken fingers
all the fallen down angels
raw pain
distress
it's all in the way we know
that we could have it all
some satellites of pain
can't always be ignored
war on all sides
war on all sides
drink life as it comes
straight no chaser
straight no chaser
drink life as it comes straight no chaser
climb inside you away from strangers
building a system of alleys
and motorways
it's all in the way that we know
we could have it all
some satellites of pain
can't always be ignored
it's all in the face
of what we thought we knew before
war on all sides
war on all sides
keep on driving
hair left morning wet
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you
there's nothing like losing you

Have you ever had one of those days, where you thought everything was going to be going your way, and everything is going right, and then the world just turns upside down and kicks you in the pants? Well, that's all fine and well, cause everyone has had a day or two (for some a few months) like that. It gets a lot trickier than that sometimes, though. Have you ever had a day, when you thought everything was going your way, and things were just about as right as they could be, then something happens, or a lot of things happen, and you can't quite figure it out, but you think you've been kicked in the pants multiple times? Now this is what I'm talkin about. Ambiguity. Oh my, is it ever a lovely thing. Just friggin kick me and leave a note, will ya? cause I just don't seem to be getting the message that you're trying to leave, alright? Anyway, yeah, I'm a little too put off to be writing anything intelligent right now, so I think I'll give up on this one until I actually have my thoughts, or my pants, all sorted out. Believe you me, this just might take a while.

This, my friend, is seriously the lamest thing in the world. Shooting my thoughts out into nowhere because I have no one else to talk to at the moment, and no one that would understand how I feel because I have yet to understand how I feel. 'Feelings'. Such a word as this gets us so far, but leaves us so far behind at the same time. There is no elaboration, since elaborating is based on cognitive recognition of facts, and their logical extrapolation. There are no facts here, no cognition, only ineffable waves of inexplicability. Perhaps I try to use too many big words, and perhaps I only use them because I feel they allow me to express more of the mystery of the thought. For me it's not a showing off thing, it's about the wonder, and the mystery. A word which, although it is understood, is not fully understood, can have so much more of an impact than one who's full meaning is simply taken for granted. Perhaps Lewis Carrol had it right all along. Pehaps I should just be making up words at random, ones which have basic shapes and sounds which emote my deepest feelings, and then relay them in turn back to my conscious self, perhaps I should use opium to sort things out, perhaps not all of those are good choices in life.

It wasn't really my choice to begin with. I had no intention of it, and I really had no expectation for it, it just was. Thrusting itself upon me like a door being thrown from its hinges, and the room lingering in aching expectation for the aggressor who still has yet to enter the room. It is out there, I would hope. Or was it I, unknowingly, who ript the door from its frame, solely for the sake of creating uncertainty in a life which seemed to be leading towards the certain. Stranger things have happened, but mostly in movies, and the Old Testament.

Dull imaginings, once repressed, of the one who lurks inside me, wanting to be let out, but fearing the disappointment of the the rest of me, in my attachment to the subtle vices of the world. So much as seeing the open doorway has allowed this one to come to the fore, and for it to reassure the rest of me that it will all be for the best in the long run. The god of my wrist would not be pleased, nor would my parents, but that is of no concern in the long run. And in the long run, the run is so long that there sometimes just doesn't seem like any reason to be running at all, but that thought is counterfeit. There is a reason, being that we are called to run, with perseverence even, and to that calling we must rise. How is one called when there are no ears that hear? It is a mystery, and it is the only way that the ears may hear, to be called into awakening.

Awaken now and drink deeply of the Spirit that is not of this world. Perhaps the beautiful villain who yet lurks in the corridors, avoiding entry into my dwelling, will one day appear, but until then, and beyond that time, there will always be the calling which is even greater, and a solice which is brighter than any other.

Sometimes the reason why I do this eludes me. As a matter of fact, it does more often than not. I'm not talking about something secret or wierd that I'm hiding, I'm just talking about this whole journal thing. There are several reasons why I use it, although which are the most dominant is hard to pinpoint.

A) I started it, so I'm going to finish it. I'm the kind of guy who likes to finish what he's started, even if that means going to great lengths, and getting seriously injured in the process. This is something different, though. To finish this, there is no end, the end is making sure that there is no end. In which case, there is no finish. By finishing this journal, I am cutting myself off from any hope of finishing it. It's a rather disturbing paradox late enough at night, trust me.

b) I have something to say, and don't want to say it to anyone. You can't just gripe to people 24/7 and expect them to think that you're a good person. I mean, if all people ever see or hear you do is complain, you just won't be generally well liked. While I must admit, that this year and from now on I'm more going for the specifically well liked genre, as opposed to the former, as I did for the last three years, not yelling completely irrelevant things to your friends helps your relationship with them. Trust me. By jettisoning this crap into space, everyone gets to be happy, and I get to phrase it much more carefully, because I have a backspace button here, as opposed to in real life. All of a sudden a lot of my griping turns into prose. It's magic, I tell you.

c) Secrets. Do I have secrets? Not so much. If I have something on my mind that I want someone else to know, but I probably shouldn't tell them, I usually just tell them anyway. I mean, I can keep other people's secrets for them, but as far as mine go, I really don't see all that much of a point in trying to hold on to them for all that long. By using this funny little mechanism, I can make myself feel that all those little things about myself that I have difficulty saying, or just don't want to say to everyone, have already been said to everyone. While I do realise that this is only read by one or two people, I just get a feeling that this is a somewhat public arena.

d) Thinking it through. This is a good one. I find that once I have written something down on here, it makes a lot more sense to me. Just bouncing things around in your own head really doesn't get you very far. Well, it doesn't get me very far, at least. Even writing things down, and making notes to yourself doesn't do as much as this does, because here I have to make sure that what I'm saying actually makes 'some' sense, and is understandable to people other than be. Because of this, I am obligated to actually think through the simplest of presuppositions that would go unanswered if left to only my own scrutiny.

e) I get to use big and/or rarely used words. In normal speech, I feel cumbersome and often arrogant if I use big words and more complex sentence structures, whereas when I am writing in my journal, I can either use the language of a four year old, or the speech of an english major, and no one will really think different of me. Different, perhaps, but the impact will by no means be anything such as if I were speaking in person to the said person. Ergo, I can just babble on in whatever cognitive dialect that I drift into, and everyone will be happy and snappy.

f) I can make assumptions about the people who may be reading this, without them being able to contest them. In my head I can construct and entire other reality of who is reading this, and what they think about it. They always think it's wonderful, as a matter of fact. And there's nothing they can do about it, because they only exist in my head. Now, while I'm well aware of the real people that read this journal, the unaware people are what this 'f)' is about. I can make gross generalizations about whoever is reading this, and since each person is only one person, if they don't agree with what I'm saying, it's too bad, because they're only one person, and they must therefore assume that they are in the minority.

g) I can go off into tangents and not be responsible for where they end up. Take for example 'f)'. I really don't know where I was going with that one, but once I spelled it out into words, it made no sense at all. Reading it now, I really have no idea what I was trying to get at. No, really, I don't, and that is my final answer. Sometimes one sentence builds into another, and one point into another, and one paragraph into another, until it is no longer your own thoughts that drive what you're saying, but instead it is the idea of the thought you are expressing itself. All of a sudden you are saying things that you don't really mean, just because it flows better, and makes a more logical transition, philosophically of course. When in fact, you really didn't mean what you just said, but it instead seemed like the next logical thing to say. Odd? I think so.

h) Although I really don't have another point, I feel inclined to make my closing paragraph another letter, if not for the sake of symmetry, for the sake of not making the letter h feel left out. I don't feel bad about not getting to I, because since this journal is about me, it is used quite often enough. Did you know that I is the most common letter in the english language? It's a common misconception that e is, when all it is is the most commonly USED letter in the english language. There you have your lesson for the day.

"If you're not committed, then I'm not committed
and if we're not in this together, then . . .
I don't know, I really don't know.
Can somebody tell me why we're doing this?"
-Brett Nissen

Is being committed such a bad thing? No, all it really means is that you've given enough of yourself, or your time, that if things fall through, no matter what it is that these things are, you will get hurt. Although this is a correct analysis of the situation, it does veer towards the position that commitment is a bad thing, it is the potential for pain, when this is the wrong was of looking at it completely, even if it is true. Commitment is where you are. It is being in a place that bonds you to something. That bond can be a wonderful thing, depending on what you have become committed to. This whole thing even works with God; we can be committed to Him, and then think that He has let us down. The fact that it hurts when we think He has let us down is a good thing, it shows that we were really committed. And at the same time, the act of being committed gives you a closer look at God, and a more fulfilling spiritual relationship, but that's not really what I'm trying to get at here.

A new commitment. Sometimes it's a scary thing, but this is the best one yet, by far. Maybe I shouldn't be committing to this right now, but all I know is that it feels great that the other person is committed too. It goes both ways, it always does. In any case, I really don't think that I actually have a rational point here, so I might as well stop this whole train of thought in its tracks. I just thought that I would put up another journal entry, and give a few deep thoughts as I always do, but really, that's not what's on my mind at all. What is? She's amazing, that's what's on my mind. Some admission of my attachment to her thinly guised as an intelligent point just isn't gonna cut it this time. Call me Romeo, but it's really hard to stop thinking about her so that I can get my work done. I really don't think it's going to get done tonight, as a matter of fact. I will try, but I will be distracted by the shadow of her that lingers in my mind. The shadow is enough, though, to overcome the other thoughts that may be drifting around in there, and the academia that I'm attempting to fill myself with.

That's what I'm thinking right now. There is no depth, just admission, no profundity, just feeling. And that's all that I have to say about that.

"if I traded it all
if I gave it all away for one thing
wouldn't that be something?"

It's true, that would be something. At some point, sometime in our lives, I think that each of us needs to come to that conclusion: that everything in our lives is pretty well useless. Not in a depressing way, but in a worth trading it in for something more real, and more lasting. Not even lasting, sometimes. Sometimes just more meaningful. Sometimes I think that I'd trade it all for what I'm persuing right now, even though I'm not sure that it's what I want for the rest of my life, or even for the next year. Nor do I know if it's what she wants for either, either (yes, the repition was proper grammar). The fact is that it would mean something. It's been a while since it's been meaningful.

Meaningful, now there's a word that is many and varying. It's just so completely intangible, yet it is what we strive to find / acheive all the time. At least it's what we should be striving for, even though oftentimes we just end up searching out that which is instantly gratifying, and cheaper emotionally. Meaningful can be found just about anywhere, but you never really know just where it's going to pop up. It could be in the way that the light shines through a window at a particular moment, it could be the way that a friend speaks to you, without prejudice and with care, or it could be the way that a girl (/guy) looks at you, and the momentary glitter in their eyes that says there is something else going on there. Most importantly, it could be the way that two people look at each other and say nothing, because they know exactly what's going on without speaking.

Sorting it out's a whole different kettle of fish, now isn't it?

"and yesterday i saw you kissing tiny flowers,
but all that lives is born to die"

A nice quote, even for all it's depressiveness. Things aren't born to die, though, although it is a side-effect of the whole life thing. You can't have biological life without death, it's how cells work. Why should we be bitter about the whole thing, anyway? It's just the way it is. Don't go blaming God for that, for crying out loud, it's just how things work. Okay, so he designed the whole system, but if nothing died, we'd have some big problems on our hands. The whole idea of learning wouldn't exist. It's a pretty abstract thought, and although one may initially think the opposite, that if a creature were to live a long enough life, there would just be unlimited learning. The problem is that we learn so that we can survive, that's what it's there for. If there was no problem in surviving, then we wouldn't need to learn. If you just allow for the whole accidental death thing, then you have to bring in unfairness. I mean, why should one thing die, while another just lives on and on. And it's not about being careful, it's just about being, for the most part. Something can die without it having anything to do with it. If you start blaming God for accidental death, you're going even further out on a limb. There really isn't anything called an accident. Things that are unexpected and have unfavourable outcomes sometimes happen, that's what the whole thing is. Sometimes things are unexpected, if they weren't we would know everything, and we would be God, and that just wouldn't work either.

So here we have a world where everyone dies after about the same amount of time (in comparison with eternity, it's really all the same). The thing is that we, as humans, are offered life, from God, free of charge. That's where the great fairness comes in, and where we really have to stop out nit-picking complaining, and admit that there really isn't anything wrong with this whole system. That it is a necessity.

What if it was just humans that lived forever on earth? That wouldn't work either. We would destroy the earth, we would not learn, we would overpopulate, and existence would be comprimised. This could only be counteracted by the actualy presence of a guiding force to keep us on track and doing the right thing. This is what we call the garden of eden. We lost the chance for that whole thing a long time ago, in one way or another. What, then, shall we do? Just accept the friggin life God offers, for crying out loud, and stop friggin complaining once you have. Sure, there are times that you can't help but be sad, but revel in that sadness, in the experience. Sound wierd? It certainly is. Have fun with that.

So, I should be studying, but really, does it matter in the end? Answer: yes. At this point especially, it matters quite a bit as a matter of fact. Having just barely passed my last two tests in this subject, I think that it would probably be wise for me to pass this one with a fairly large margin of something. Will I? I'll probably manage to pass it somehow, but not by any more than usual. This is mostly because I'm still sitting here staring at my computer wondering what to do next, wondering what will be on the test, and wondering if my phone is ever going to ring. Do I know that it will ring sometime in the near future? Not necessarily, there's a perfectly good chance that it won't, in which case I will have waited in vain. If it does ring, however, I won't have to sit and wonder any longer, but I will instead have my path set out for me for the next few minutes: talking on the phone. Maybe you think that's sad, that I don't want to plan my next few minutes, or even take action to initiate them, but it's true. I've had quite a long day, and I'm ready to end it right here and now, but the fact is that I am inclined to continue it, or get a slightly lower mark.

Interestingly enough, even if I stay up for another two hours, odds are I will have only accomplished enough studying to add another 4-6% onto my test mark. While it is true that I am a rather slow (or rediculously slow) learner when it comes to this subject, it is also true that I am easily distracted, and even go looking for distractions. I suppose that we all do that, though. Not that that makes it all right, or anything, it just makes it a little better feeling. Misery loves company. It's quite true, but the saying makes itself sound much more profound than it really is. I mean, when you think about it, it really has very little to do with misery, it's the basic human condition in general that wants company. Odds are, if someone doesn't ever want company, they would be just as uninclined to have it while in a state of misery, while the rest of us people seek out company in any state. Adding the whole misery thing is just spurious. People love company, especially when they're lonely. Really, misery has a lot to do with loneliness. If you knew that you had someone supporting you, and loving you, it becomes rather hard to be truly 'miserable'. In any case, I should probably end this search for the ontological meaning of a simple throw away phrase, and get back to my studies, for what it's worth.

Have a lovely evening, and now that you're not alone (but not in a creepy, someone's watching you kinda way)